I'm baaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Well hello there lovely people... bet you thought you'd heard the last of me.... I know, I'm sorry, I should have called, written, blogged... bad Naomi.... In all seriousness I used this blog as a place to vent as well as to share, and I'll be honest, since I've been with J I haven't needed the first so much - he provides that safe place for me. Not to mention the two private groups I'm part of on Facebook, which also allow me a space to vent and to find support... But for the last few weeks I've been thinking about blogging, and realising how much I miss it. So much has happened since I last posted (September 2013!) and normally I would have blogged - only some of the events were really personal, and I wouldn't, couldn't, have blogged publically... So why am I blogging now... well really the impetus today was this picture

It's doing the rounds on Facebook at the moment - not (I hasten to add) in an approving way, but with the attached statement about the media making us hate the oppressed, not the oppressor. However I've seen it so many times, along with other memes which portray and promote hatred/blaming of those who are on benefits for whatever reason, shown as "proof" that the hatred is justified and even though this latest round of shares was supportive of my position, I still felt sick seeing those headlines.

I don't know the people who write this stuff. I don't know if they are genuinely ignorant of what it's like to be on benefits (although in this day and age there is no excuse for that), or whether they don't care, or whether they do know, but they're so filled with hate, and think that their attitudes are justified...to be honest, I'm not sure what would be worse. But what scares me is that this attitude seems to be becoming more prevalent, and more acceptable. Likewise casual racism (but that's for another blog entry). At a time when many are struggling, no matter how hard they work, the urge to blame someone is understandable... but it is worrying to see so many willing to blame those who are vulnerable, who have little or nothing, and who (most importantly) did not cause this crisis. The 0.7% rate of benefit fraud is not causing the financial crisis. Anyone who really thinks it is needs to get their head out of the Heil and look at the real world. It's sheer laziness to accept the media view, and to spout hatred based on that. It suggests that they'd rather not think for themselves, or take the time to find out the realities....they'd rather just suck up the venom and continue the hate... I'm never too sure why papers print this stuff. Some say it's because they reflect what the public wants to read, others that the editors/owners use the papers as a mouthpiece - but either way, if people stopped buying them then they'd stop spouting this crap...well I'd like to think so anyway.

This is what it's really like to be on benefits these days:

Fear. Constant fear that you'll lose your money, the money you need to survive, for some arbitrary reason. Fear that you'll miss some nebulous rule that no one ever told you about (and yes that does happen, for all of you who will say "ah that's an excuse" - not it's not..it happened to me today, and I was just very lucky that the person I communicated with was a nice human being, who understood mental health and who listened instead of sanctioning me)....Fear. Which for someone with anxiety is a real downer...

Shame. Embarrassment, especially when the health issue is not obvious - people look at you and judge you, "nothing wrong with you" - it's internal, it can't be seen but trust me it is crippling and, more to the point, I hate it. I don't want to feel like this. I hate not being able to cope with everyday things others do without problem. Everyday I feel like I fail. Every. Single. Day. It's torturous. And I'm inflicting it on myself. Or at least that's how it feels. And I'm lucky, I have tremendous support from family and friends. My heart breaks for those who fight this battle alone.

Anger. Impotent anger at those who make the decisions, and make up the statistics, which are used to bash people like me. Anger that they don't know the impact on people - real people. Anger that they have no clue what it's like to be us, me, ill and poor in 21st century Britain. Anger at the ease with which supposedly decent people will believe the lies spouted about us. Anger that whilst many do care, progress is so slow and it's like pushing a ton weight through treacle. Anger that people seem to have an "I'm okay, screw the rest of you" attitude. Anger that people can rant about "scroungers", then say to me "Oh I don't mean you", uh, yeah you do....because you're making this assumption that the majority of people on benefits are scroungers, when in reality it's less than 1%. I stand with my fellow claimants, I'm no different. The scroungers are the exception, not the rule. Sadly in this country the government and media have people convinced it's the other way around.

Frustration. Because there's no flexibility in the system. If I could get a job, working from home, writing or proof reading (and yes, I have tried but so many of these sites are scams), then I'd take it in a heartbeat; likewise research jobs. But I cannot, really cannot, work in an office. I know people are nice, but my anxiety is not rational. The fear is all consuming at times, and although over time I would perhaps get used to it, the toll those few months/years would take would be too much for me. This is me. I don't like it much. I try regularly to push my limits, I don't want to "give in", but it's awful...even writing about it now is making me shake...just thinking about it. I am not static in this, I do try, but it takes time.... I feel worthless sometimes. Because I don't work. That's wrong. Everyone has worth....to tie worth to work is not right. Not everyone can work, but they're still valuable to society. But right now it seems as though there is one way to do things, and if you don't fit in, you're condemned.

Sadness. Because all of the above are overwhelming at times, and it's enough to drive anyone to tears. Because being loathed by part of society is soul destroying. Because no matter how loud I (and others) shout, those who can make a change quickly are not listening...more than that, they are actively ignoring us, and those who are shouting on our behalf.

I'm not jealous of those who have more than me. I don't begrudge them their wealth. That's another lie, portraying us as greedy, jealous, grasping. We're not. We just want respect...understanding...to be able to live without fear...to be treated as people, not numbers.


So next time you see those headlines, think before you nod agreement, before you tut and sigh and mutter about scroungers. Think about real people, like me, who are suffering doubly - from illness, from the lack of jobs, from lack of opportunity - as well as being dumped on by the media. Think that it could be you. Think how you'd feel if it was. Think of the example you're setting to your kids. Think of how compassion is better than hate. And put the paper down. Don't buy it. Don't share the scaremongering stories. Starve the hate, don't feed it. It will take time, but (despite it all) I do have faith that things can change.

Update

So it's been a month since I last blogged...sorry for the gap, but I've been so busy writing my dissertation that I've not really felt much like writing anything else. I've also been away some of the time, not to mention that things have been on a fairly even keel so I've not felt the need to vent...but anyway, I thought it was time for an update...so here it is

The dissertation is now FINISHED... It was sent to the binders today, and I should received two copies by Monday so that I can hand it in. It's not due in until the 30th but I've written and rewritten until I was seeing double, so I figured it was time to just cut my losses and go for it. I do feel a bit relieved but I also feel terrified and slightly sick - it's just kinda final sending it off to be printed etc., and although I know that it's the best I could make it, I'm still freaking out...mind you, that's just me I guess. I'm hoping that I'll get a decent mark, but it's out of my hands now, and so I'll just have to try not to worry about it....hmmm

At least I can now relax and enjoy the next few weeks....I can actually get back to reading for pleasure, and I have hours of tv to catch up on...the best bit is that Jack is coming to spend some time here, before I go to stay with him. I can't wait. We're heading up to Scunthorpe at the weekend to attend the second annual Jack Marshall Ball, and I'm really excited. Not only do I get to see Jack's Army again, but I get to spend bonus time with my Jack (how else to distinguish him, and avoid confusion, lol)... I tried my dress on again yesterday and (thankfully) it still fits.... It should be a great weekend, and it will be very special to share it with my lovely boyfriend.

Before then we're catching up with other friends, which will be brilliant, and tonight we're taking A out for dinner at the local Toby Carvery. Frankly it will be so nice to just be able to relax, and to spend time with Jack and A. I'm beginning to relax a bit now. I was still very keyed up earlier, and I still feel a bit tense but it's passing gradually. I can't quite believe that two years of very hard work has come to an end....it feels weird. But it is nice to know that I can head off for some time in Devon, without having the dissertation hanging over me. I can relax, walk the dogs, spend time with friends, and just chill out ... ahh bliss.....

Things with A have been okay....there have been a few issues which are resolved now, and his MABS worker, Sarah, is back at work and meeting with him again, which is definitely helping. He is also still seeing Bernard (the MABS worker at school) which is good - I wasn't sure whether he would be able to do so, and it was nice to hear that (for now) it will continue. A likes Jack, which helps a lot I think, and now that his dad has moved in with his girlfriend, I think A feels more settled - he's back to have 2 homes instead of 3... Mind you I was reminded that A is definitely a teenager when I had to yell at him to turn his music down yesterday....lol.... It wasn't that I disliked his music, more that the walls were shaking and I couldn't concentrate....I'm not sure whether A likes the fact that his mum likes the music he listens to, but there you go. At least I didn't go up and dance to it, as Jack suggested... ;)

Now I've got my ESA back I'm feeling more settled financially.. I don't have any more money but at least it is resolved. At the moment I'm signed off until November, and although I am feeling better, I'm still conscious of being a bit fragile - for example the anxiety was really acute on Sunday and Monday this week...I know why, the dissertation, but it was still hard to deal with... I will see the doctor in November and I'm hopeful that I will get until January before I have to start looking for a job.. I'm also still going to apply for the Phd., even though I have no idea how I'll pay for it. I may as well apply, there's no harm in that. It keeps my options open and I still really want to do it. Winning the lottery would be awesome but I guess I actually have to play it first, lol.

So things are good at the moment. Most of the time I'm fine, although when the anxiety does hit it's pretty bad. I am using the strategies I was given by the CBT counselor, and it does help. Listening to music has also helped an awful lot. And I'm reading the Game of Thrones books, which definitely help - I can totally lose myself in them. I'm hoping that now the dissertation is in, I will be able to relax better, and that the anxiety will lessen. Interestingly I'm heading to several gigs in the next few months, something I wasn't sure I'd be able to do again, however Jack will be going as well, and has promised to look after me.... I'm trying to find the old me again, the old confidence. I'm pleased to say that so far it's not proving to be too difficult... I even went belly-dancing with Jack's mum when I went up there the other week. Yes, me, belly-dancing...it was a great laugh, and I'd definitely do it again. Even if my coordination was appalling and my ability to multi-task deserted me. I think that some of the intensity of the anxiety may be a reaction to trying new things, and pushing myself, but I think it's worth it. It's either that, or just do nothing and I don't want to vegetate, I want to live normally as I used to. I'm getting there. Slowly.

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has supported me over the last few years and months, to old friends and to new. I think I'm very lucky, I have made some fantastic friends over the years, some of whom I've never met but who support me nonetheless. At times it's been my friends and family who have carried me through. It's not just the MA, or the dissertation, or A, or even my illness, it's everything...and I'm more grateful than you'll even know. Between my friends, my family, and Jack, I'm supported, loved and cared for, and it's a great feeling. It's hard for me to put into words how I've been feeling these last few weeks and months, I'm not used to feeling this happy. But as my Nan said when I spoke to her earlier, after all the bad stuff, it's nice to relax into the good stuff...and I'm trying to relax, I really am. I do still struggle, my self-esteem is crap (despite Jack's best efforts - and not because I don't believe him either), and as I've said the anxiety has been bad, but through it all, I've been kept going by you all...even if it was just a word on my FB status, or a text, or a smile...whatever, thank you for it...

Smiling a real smile, for the first time in a long time

Well....it's been a bit of a whirlwind this last week. I can't actually remember when I last blogged and I'm sure I'll leave bits out, but there you go. So, here's a (brief) update on what's been going on....

So, last Wednesday was the big day with regard to my ESA benefit appeal. I was very nervous, as you can imagine. I was also nervous for another reason, which I'll get to a little later on...so on Wednesday morning, after a disturbed sleep, I was awake early and feeling sick. I was very lucky that my fabulous friend J had agreed to come with me. Noticing how nervous I was, and being the lovely son that he can be, A offered to come with me to the station and keep me company until the train arrived. It was the best thing he could have done, as having him there took my mind of the tribunal, and allowed me to relax a little bit. J joined the train at Fratton, and we spent the journey talking about my other news (*big grin*) which also helped to make me feel somewhat calmer. When we got to Havant we eventually managed to find our way out of the station and onto the correct road, and finally into the tribunal centre. We didn't have long to wait, which was nice as I was starting to get nervous again. When we went into the courtroom, the judge didn't even wait until I'd sat down before saying "well I'm very sympathetic to this case but I have to go through the points the DWP have raised".... As you can imagine I was really pleased by this, but (being me) didn't want to get my hopes up too much.... He then proceeded to ask me several questions about my house, the post which had gone missing, and what I'd said to Atos and the DWP. It seemed to go on forever but was actually only about 5-10 minutes. He then looked at me and said, "I'm going to allow this appeal". YAY.. I was sooo pleased and relieved. He said he was allowing it for two reasons, one because the DWP had accepted the reason for missing the appointment the first time, so they should have accepted it again the next time and two, because they had failed to follow their own rules regarding taking into account all health issues. J and I walked out there with HUGE smiles on our faces, and did a little dance of joy. We had to wait for them to get me a copy of the decision, but once we got it, it was off to a local cafe for a cuppa and a kitkat (yeah we know how to celebrate in style...lol...)...

I'm sure you can all imagine how relieved I am. I should get all the ESA backdated, other issues such as council tax benefit will be reinstated, and (more to the point) common sense has actually prevailed... I've yet to hear from the DWP regarding when they'll actually reinstate my ESA but I plan to ring them tomorrow to chase it up. I'm not exactly convinced that they'll be rushing to do it, so I think it's best to keep on top of them.. :) Having this resolved has been a huge weight off my shoulders, and has improved my mood no end. Although there have been other developments which have also cheered me up... and I guess it's about time that I shared those with you.

Some of you, maybe all of you, will already know this. But for those of you who don't, I'm no longer single and lonely...yay for me.. I really wasn't expecting this and so, although it's been on the cards for some time now, I'm still slightly stunned...but very happy. I'm not going to bore you all, or nauseate you, with the details, but for those of you who, like me, love to know the story, here are the highlights:
His name is Jack, and we met 4 years ago when he came to uni in Pompey. I rather liked him then, but it wasn't to be as he got together with a friend of mine. But we did become good friends, and things stayed that way for a year or so. Sadly, and due to the actions of others, the group of friends broke apart, things changed, I finished my degree, and we lost touch...in all honesty, although I hoped we'd get back in touch, I wasn't convinced we would. Last year, however, I was in a meeting with my dissertation supervisor when who should knock on the door but Jack....I was shocked, and stupidly didn't take the chance to get back in touch...I kicked myself for that. I ummed and ahhed about finding him, and adding him, on Facebook, but again, chickened out. Then I noticed he was in a group I'm in on FB, and, although it took me another month, I eventually friend requested him. Long story short, we started chatting, and things developed from there. We met up again at his graduation, and he came down again last week......and the rest, as they say, is history (which is apt, considering we're both history geeks). I don't think I've smiled so much in years. I'm not going into gushy detail, that's not my thing, but I feel very fortunate right now. The things we have in common, not to mention how lovely he is to me, make me feel properly good about myself for the first time in ages. I can't help pinching myself sometimes, because I never really expected this to happen. :)

Right now, I'm sitting on the sofa, next to my darling god-daughter S, with my bestie, C, sitting next to her and A sitting on the balcony with C's daughter Ch...They've come down for the week, and I'm chuffed to bits.... We always try to get together for a week in the holidays, and they usually come to us as we're by the sea. We're both skint, but it doesn't matter because we can just chill and enjoy ourselves anyway..... I'm enjoying the break from my dissertation, not to mention having lovely cuddles from my god-daughters....

One thing which has been really clear this last week is that I have some amazing friends. The happiness people have shown over the appeal win, as well as over my other news, has been so great, it's really made me smile to see how pleased people are and I love it. Thank you all.

Happy and crossing everything that this feeling lasts

I was going to write a blog post about the crap stuff which happened last week. The reappearance of a bill which I thought was sorted, the panic attack which followed (worst one ever), the tears and the insomnia.....I really was. But y'know what, I'm actually feeling happy for once, and so I'm not going to write that blog post. If you want to know the details then just ask, and I'll fill you in.. but for now I want to celebrate the good things which have happened to me....

First of all my cousin got married on Friday. The whole day was just fantastic. I had the best time and it was so fabulous to celebrate with her, and her fiance (well, hubbie now), and the families... She looked beautiful, her groom looked handsome, and the guests had a fine old time.... They were married outside, and it was the first time I'd been to a wedding where the ceremony was outside. The weather stayed dry (same can't be said for some peoples eyes, I may have had a small tear) and it was just so special. The reception was held in the grounds of a school, next to an old castle, and was in a teepee style tent:

I got to see my Nan's cousin, David, who came over Canada. He is very special to all of us, and it's always lovely to see him. All in all, it was just about the perfect day and I'm so glad I got to celebrate with them....

Of course as the wedding was up in the midlands, I had to go and stay with my parents, and that was fab as well. It's always nice to go and spend time with them. This time mum and I sorted out their wedding photos into an album. They've just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary so I guess it was time for that to be done ;) I loved seeing the pictures of them, Dad with his amazing 70s haircut, and mum in her wedding dress. Not to mention pictures of my grandparents, three of whom have since passed away. Then we found some pics of me and my brother, when we were little. So funny.. Will be scanning them in over the next few days for your entertainment. The journey back wasn't too bad either, although I do believe I may have fallen asleep and snored...oops...


I've also reconnected with people who I'd lost touch with, and who I'd missed having in my life. I'm very lucky to have so many great people in my life. I'm just trying, now, to enjoy the moment, not to worry that this feeling won't last, to know that I will cope, and to relish the fact that I've gone through one of the worst anxiety attacks, but have come out the other side, and I've confronted the issues, not ignored them.

So, I'm smiling today. I hope it continues. It's nice to feel happy. I know I have my tribunal this week, which makes this feeling of happiness extra special, because for once mind over matter, and focusing on the good, is working.

meh....but also Doctor Who...but mostly meh!

Not in the greatest of moods today but sometimes writing on the blog helps, so lucky you (although you can just close the tab now if you want (or delete the email), go on, it's okay, I don't mind).....

Before I dive into the 'meh' stuff, I'll update you all about Friday's trip to Brighton with A. It was awesome. We had so much fun, riding on the oldest electric railway, and then on Brighton's version of the London Eye. The weather was fabulous, and I love Brighton. Can't wait to go back again. Here are just a few pictures:

When we arrived back in Portsmouth, it had been raining (sunny all day in Brighton), and as we waited for the bus I happened to look up and see this:

Then later on that night we got a rather spectacular lightning show. This is unusual for Portsmouth, but was a lot of fun to watch. I'd like to upload the video but I can't right now...

Anyway, after the fun of Friday it's been back to the grindstone for me. And today, back to the mammoth depression and anxiety which grips me every so often. I'm not sure why it's descended today; maybe because I'm struggling with the dissertation. Although I'm not struggling in the normal way, oh no...I'm struggling because I'm writing too much and it's almost impossible to cut it down. I'm just having to tell myself to keep going, write it all, send it off for proof reading (to friends and my supervisor) and then when I've got the feedback, I can set about cutting it to shreds. It's kinda working, but the anxiety about it is there, and bubbling away. Which isn't helping. I wish it would just go away, I'm perfectly capable of writing way too much and cutting it back, but for some reason my stupid brain won't allow me to accept this, and fears/worries/anxieties keep forming and I can't stop them. Gah. Pushing through it means I'm writing, and progressing, but it also means that inside I feel shaky, sick, and panicky - which really is most unpleasant not to mention distracting.....sigh

Things weren't helped today by A having a mammoth blow up. He hasn't had one of those for ages, and it was awful. I know I handled it okay, because he calmed down, but I still feel sick and horrible. It was so hard to go through this again, after so much time when he has been better about keeping himself under control, and calming himself down. Today it started because he wanted bus fare. I could only give it to him in coins, and he wanted to get change so that he didn't have to carry all the coins! Yes, something as small as that. He kicked up, and knocked the money everywhere, and then did it again after I'd warned him he'd get nothing if he did so. When he realised that I was serious he went overboard. Screaming, shouting, trying to take money from my purse, taking my phone, and at one point he bit me. I can't put into words how horrible it is when your child, who you love, is roaring at you that he hates you, that you're evil, a bad mother, and so on... He would say that I never spend time with him, which is blatantly not true, but that doesn't matter - the pain of the hate in his voice when he was shouting at me is awful. I stayed calm, and eventually he calmed down. But you see the thing is, all I really wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and cry. And I couldn't. Having to hold it all in was as hard as hearing him in the first place. Even when he calmed down, even when his dad picked him up, and I was alone, I still stayed calm. I just got on with my dissertation, because the pressure feels as though I can't afford not to. I'm still calm now, on the surface I mean. Inside I'm a huge mess. I know I need a release of some sort but I can't seem to find it. I just want to go to bed and hide but I can't. I have things to do. Some of which I'm looking forward to (seeing my parents and going to my cousins wedding for example), some of which I'm not (physio tomorrow). Some of you will understand when I say that the pressure of not seeing a space to collapse in is making things worse. I know it will get better, and I will be alright. But right now.....

I know part of the problem is that the appeal for my ESA is fast approaching and I am (frankly) dreading it. I am so scared that it will be denied. I am so scared that I am going to lose it in there. I am so scared that half the time I can't even verbalise what's scaring me. But, I am scared. 

Physically things aren't great either. Some of it may be related to my anxiety, I don't know for sure. But my knee? Yeah that is getting worse all the time. I have to use my stick all the time now. When I forgot it on Friday I ended up buying a new one because I couldn't walk without it. Proper frustrating. I'm going to ask the physio to refer me for a scan. It's getting beyond ridiculous now. I'm doing all the exercises, and nothing is changing. Of course the pain and  embarrassment from my knee is not helping with my mood either. 

So yeah, not in a great mood tonight. Can't decide whether to stay up and watch documentaries with the cats, or go to bed and try to sleep. Lest this sound too much like a whinge (may be too late to avert that now of course) I am trying so hard to keep going and be positive,. And I am finding things to be positive about. Friday was wonderful. I can't wait to see my cousin get married on Friday. Seeing my parents will be a bonus. I have some amazing friends, including some who I've never met in person, but who understand what I'm going through and are so supportive (you know who you are). I have the cats who keep me entertained. I can still lose myself in a book. I have an amazing support network in place, with people helping in so many ways. I am becoming more brave about admitting my mental health issues. Most of the time A loves me, and we have fun. When things are bad I can have time to myself. My dissertation is going okay, and despite the panic, I am sure that I will complete it. 

I will be positive. I will succeed. I will acknowledge the good in my life. But sometimes I need to say how crap it can be. Today is one of those days. 

Ps - went to post this and realised I hadn't put the Doctor Who bit in....well... they announced the new Doctor Who today: Peter Capaldi. A good choice I think, dry wit and a look which will (hopefully) work.. Doctor Who makes me smile. I like having that to look forward to 

Did you miss me? Well of course you did :)

Hey, long time no write/read....sorry 'bout that.. Kinda got caught up with, well, being a proper student... by the time I'd written 1000 words about the 19th century, I really didn't jump at the chance to write more, even if those were about me :)

Anyway, I'm back, and I'm sure you're chuffed to bit about that....don't hide it, embrace it....or something... yeah, sorry, am a little punch drunk today, lack of sleep does that to me.... apologies in advance for the insanity which follows....

I would update you on what's been going on since I last posted but a) I can't *actually* remember when that was, b) I can't remember what I've done, well not all of it anyway and c) most importantly I loves you lot and I really don't want to bore you stupid....sooooo, here's a mini update (which will probably turn into a loooong post)...oh and a picture of Purdy-cat in a tree. Just because...

So, being terribly British I shall of course start with the weather....which is now reverting to being more typical of a British summer .. i.e. RAIN.... I did manage to get in a few days of enjoying the garden though, and one Sunday I even managed to doze off on a sun-lounger...bliss.... Just laying there, looking up at the sky through the branches, with the cats (baffled as to why I was in their territory) curled up next to me, and bees, butterflies and other buzzy/flying things keeping me company...

Fingers crossed the weather will be nice again, so that A and I can enjoy some days out, and make the most of the summer holidays. Yes, it's that wonderful time - the 6 week long holiday. I do like it, although I understand why some don't. I have lots planned, although much depends on finances, but we are aiming to go to Brighton for the day this Friday. It's so lovely to spend time with him, and I'm pleased that he still wants to do so. In the meantime, I have been working very hard on my dissertation and, thankfully, so far it is flowing well. I've written way more than I need to but I operate on the belief that it's better to write it all, use all the evidence I want to, and then to go through and edit it down. So much easier to do than trying to decide what to put in/leave out as I go along. Of course I won't be able to use everything I've found, much to my disgust, but that's the nature of academic research, if you've done it correctly then you will always have more research than you can use... I'm really enjoying writing it as well, which is a relief. Sometimes, no matter how much you like the topic, writing it can be a chore. So far, not the case and fingers crossed it stays that way. 

Other than that I've been chilling with A, and when he's not here and I'm not writing, then I've been relaxing with a good book. Bliss. Really. I've also had the chance to catch up with some friends who I'd not seen for a while. Last week, on Tuesday, it was the graduation for those who did the MA over one year. I should, of course, have been graduating with them, but I wasn't. I'm not going to lie, it was a weird, bittersweet feeling, but I'm glad I went. A and I went and sat in Guildhall Square and watched on the big screen. My friend J was graduating (undergrad) as well, so bonus was getting to see him. I'd had a lovely lunch with him the day before, and it reminded me just how nice it is to see people who are friends and I don't have to pretend with them, or fake calmness or whatever. Anyway, it was great to witness people I care about graduating. Sandi Toksvig is the Chancellor at the moment, and her speech was very funny. Hoping that she's still Chancellor when I graduate next year. I'm so proud all my friends who graduated last week. You know who you are. Well done *big cheer*

Today has also been nice, another friend J (not same one as last week) came back to Pompey for a visit, and we met up with M who was our tutor, and as a bonus the legend that is JT (and his lovely wife S) turned up at the cafe as well. So it was a fabulous morning, and I was sad when I had to leave. For the first time in a long time I wasn't happier to be going home. Progress? JT is legendary because he is just amazing as a person and as a lecturer. He does one option at undergrad level called Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash - about pirates. Needless to say it is the most popular unit option. I loved it so much. Both JT and his wife are lovely people, so kind and supportive. So today I was very fortunate, I was with people who support me, and encourage me, and are there for me. A good thing. 

In other news, I received my appeal notification (after the cancellation last time). I have a friend coming with me (another J), and although I'm not looking forward to it, and am already finding myself going over scenarios in my head, I'm trying not to focus on it too much. I'm terrified that they won't reverse the decision, and I'm scared about what I will do then. But I'm telling myself that worrying won't help. And that works. Mostly. 

Before then I've got a wedding to look forward to; my cousin S is marrying her fiance A, and I can't wait. I have a new dress (which fits and looks good - YAY), and A is going to make them a cake - as he can't make it to the wedding. So I'm focusing on that, because it will be good, and because S and A deserve my attention, the DWP et al do not. 

Things on the 'healing' front are problematic however. It has been decided, not surprisingly, that the self-help I was referred for is not "appropriate" for me right now. Talking Change have closed my file. Which sucks. I need more counselling. They agree. I agree. But they won't provide it for me, I have to go to somewhere which charges. Even though part of the reason I need more counselling is because in the last set of sessions, a lot of stuff from my past, which I had successfully (if unhealthily) suppressed, was raked up again and now I'm dealing (or rather not dealing) with it. I am cross that TC are abandoning me like this. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks again. I'm having panic attacks if I see someone who looks like a certain person. And I'm remembering things I'd really rather not. But despite this, all they would offer me was CBT which I've already had, and which they themselves agree will not actually help. I *know* intellectually how to deal with the flashbacks/dreams etc., but that's not much help when the underlying problem won't go away. So I have to pluck up the courage to go to this new service and cross my fingers (I'm doing a lot of that right now) that I can afford to use them. If not, well I don't know. I don't want to think about that right now. I'm slipping a bit on the ol' chocolate front, although I know it could be worse. I've managed to resist most of the time, but every so often it really gets too much and I give in. Of course I then beat myself up, which doesn't help. So I'm trying to work through this without doing too much damage to myself or others. 

On the plus side, I'm rocking my walking stick. I'm using it for any walking journeys I do over about 1/4 mile. I'm learning not to care, because it really does help me. And as JT said, it's very useful for poking people with ;) In all seriousness though I am slightly concerned that, because it allows me to walk further than I could without it, I could be doing more harm than good. But I have a physio appointment on Monday, and I will ask him about it then - I'm also going to ask for a referral for a scan. Fundamentally my knee is not improving, it's getting worse. Something has to be done, even if it's just to rule out causes. We will see. 

So that's me right now. I'm doing okay. Because I'm working on my dissertation, and spending time with A, and with friends, and I'm not doing anything challenging. I'm well aware that when things go wrong, I'm not coping; e.g. Sunday when A had a run in with the local idiots up near where his dad's girlfriend lives...panic attacks and tears on Sunday night, and a hangover from that (not alcohol) yesterday. So it's still there. Lurking. Even when I'm coping, there's a part of me which knows that. I just have to carry on, what else can I do. 

Finally, I want to leave you with this blog post written by my friend BR, it's a beautiful tribute to her friend who died recently. I cried when I read it. It broke my heart. I have no doubt that he knew he was loved, but other things were too much for him. Anger and heartbreak are the words which spring to mind. Sometimes people can't be strong any more. I can't comprehend how he must have felt, and yet I am going through similar issues. No one situation matches another exactly. But we all have a responsibility to our friends/family etc., Reach out, check people are alright, be there for a giggle, but also for when things are hard. I've never have got through any of this without my family and friends. 

http://titflasher.wordpress.com/2013/07/26/for-greg-and-all-who-loved-him/

Love and hugs to all 

A mammoth catch up

Well, it's been a while since I blogged, but I do have a good excuse, honest. Last week was taken up with lots of hard, physical work and by the time it came to the evening, my normal blogging time, I could barely keep my eyes open or remember my own name, let alone write coherently about my day....Over the weekend, I intended to blog but somehow time just got away from me. So here I am.

Firstly, the garden. Well it looks amazing and all the hard work was worth it. This is what it looked like beforehand:

By the end of Thursday, after a lot of hard work by my mum, my uncle, and my neighbour Bill, it looked like this:

It took a lot of sweat and very hard work, and I am really grateful to everyone who helped. Being able to have a garden which is nice to look at, and (more importantly) I can sit out in, is a huge bonus - and just in time for the hot weather.....

Bill, my lovely neighbour, even sorted my front garden out for me. He got rid of an old bush, and relaid all the concrete patio slabs... I felt very fortunate last week. Not least when my mum bravely saved me from the shed full of spiders:

Thanks Mum..... I did feel a bit bad as I cut back the brambles etc., because beforehand although the garden was a jungle, the bees, butterflies, and frogs, were loving it.... I'm hoping that, even with my anti green fingers, I'll be able to control the brambles and other plants, so that they don't take over the garden but do provide cover and food for insects etc. I even found the paddling pool, which was very useful as a giant washing up bowl, lol. All in all it was a great week, even if it didn't start off so well....

Oh yes, last Monday....I was due to have my appeal against the removal of my ESA heard, my mum had come down a day earlier so that she could come with me. I was on the bus, on the way into town to get the train to Havant, for the tribunal (at 10:40am) when (at 9:29am) I received a call from the Tribunal service telling me that they were cancelling it. Yes. An hour before it was due to start. Needless to say I was not happy, and once I was off the bus, I rang them back. A long, and not particularly pleasant, conversation ensued. The upshot was that the fault lay with the DWP in Cardiff (now why does that not surprise me), who had somehow listed my appeal with the wrong panel. Apparently, each judge has a specialty, not to mention that they receive the case files a few days before so that they can read up and know what's going on. I still don't fully understand it, but my case had been sent to the wrong panel, and so the judge had said he/she couldn't hear it. I don't know if they had read the case file, or not but whatever had happened the appeal was cancelled and I now have to wait for another one to be set. I was angry, and upset. But as with all bureaucracies, it doesn't matter about the individual, they don't care. It's just "oops sorry" and then you just have to deal with it. No care about the impact on people, no attempt to make it right, no consideration of resolving it so that the person (me) doesn't lose out, and certainly no indication that they will learn from their mistakes. Can you imagine them being so understanding if I'd made the error? I'll just wait for you to stop laughing. Glass of water? All ok now? Good good.... So that was the start to the week, thankfully it did get much better from then on.... Mum and I decided to wander round town, and I found a dress for my cousins' wedding, which really cheered me up. And it was on sale, which cheered me up even more... I'm still waiting to hear about the appeal but I'm not holding my breath.

Sadly A has been really poorly for the last few days. He started with an ear infection on Wednesday which the doctor initially wanted to treat by seeing if he could beat it himself. Unfortunately he couldn't, and was back to the docs on Friday, being given an antibiotic ear spray. However it doesn't seem to be working, he is still having a lot of ear pain, and swelling and can't hear properly. I know all teenagers have selective hearing but this is genuine. Without paracetamol and ibuprofen his temp goes up, and he gets very lethargic, and even in this heat will feel cold. As I write this he is curled up on the end of the sofa covered in a blanket. I've had to turn the fan off, so I am melting. He is cold. If he's no better tomorrow morning then I will have to get in touch with the doc again.

Having A off school made this morning interesting, as I had a docs appointment myself, and then a physio appointment. I don't like leaving him on his own when he's ill but having dosed him up with his painkillers etc., and tucked him up in bed, off I went. The docs was just for a medication review - much needed. The doc I saw is lovely, I really like him, he's known us for 13 years now and is very good at remembering details etc., about us. Anyway, I'm glad that I saw him, because the news wasn't great. I'm being sent for a precautionary ECG on Thursday, because of some palpitations I've been having. He's pretty sure that it's related to my anxiety but he wants to make sure. At the same time, oh joy, I have to have blood tests (thyroid plus others) because (and this is really upsetting) despite my dieting and despite the exercise I've actually put on weight. Am really down about this. Especially after the exertions of last week, when I know (looser clothes) that I lost some weight. I've had the thyroid tests before, and it's always been negative, so I don't expect anything different this time. But I guess it has to be ruled out. I have to go back to see Dr R in a month or so to discuss the results etc.

So after that it was off to physio, where I was able to ask about the whole situation with my knee (which has, unsurprisingly, been very very painful after last week). I also told him about the whole weight thing, and he mentioned thyroid as well. He has also given me some new exercises to do. The old ones were easy, and didn't seem to be doing anything, so he has suggested working different muscles. I can say that when he had me try them out there, I could definitely feel the effects...so that's good. Now for the bad: apart from a short (20 min) cycle ride every day (if I can manage it), I am not allowed to do anything else. Which, frustratingly, rules me out of doing the Race for Life this Sunday. Funnily enough, given that I can hardly walk the 1/3 mile to the docs without keeling over from pain, he feels that walking 5k (and in the predicted heat as well) would be a bad idea. I am annoyed, frustrated but (guiltily) also slightly relieved. I had been very concerned about my ability to complete the 5k, and was really worrying that I'd do more damage. He concurred. I am also under instruction to use my stick. I've been trying to manage without it, not wanting to get dependent, but have been told not to be so daft, and that I must use it. If anyone has sponsored me, and wants the money back, please let me know. I truly understand. I'd also like to apologise to the Marshall's and to Cancer Research for letting them down.

So that's me now. About to get back on the dissertation train, hoping that I can work through the heat (which is melting me), and get as much done as possible before A breaks up for the summer holidays a week tomorrow!! Emotionally, mentally, I'm struggling but keeping going. Lots of emotions churning around, and a lot of bad feeling inside. I'm hoping that the dissertation will help to distract me, and get me through this. In the meantime, just venting out here has, as usual, helped. So I'm off to see if I can cool down before bed..... :)