Snow....and other things

So, weather update first - it snowed.....which is very unusual for Portsmouth. Although it is becoming more common, funnily enough.... Most of the time when the rest of the country is buried under tons of snow, including places just a few miles away, Portsmouth is persistently flake free...it's something to do with being located on the coast... But I woke up yesterday to this......

Which was nice. It even managed to make the hideous disaster which is my garden, look ok......

Purdy cat wasn't quite sure what to make of it...she sat on the windowsill watching the snow fall and being totally baffled as to what it could be....and no, she wouldn't venture outside...that was too scary...

The snow has been a nice distraction. A ended up having a half day at school yesterday - the one thing with Portsmouth is that even when the cities roads are clear, because it's situated below the level of the surrounding country, it is a nightmare to get out of when there is snow/ice....I can't say that I blame the teachers for wanting to be able to get home... Anyway, off A went to play snow ball fights with his friends only to come back an hour later freezing cold and with swollen toes, where his feet had got cold and wet...poor boy - he said that although snow looks fun, it really isn't....bless him... So we had a lovely afternoon, wrapped in duvets, snoozing and relaxing....bliss.....

The last week has not been the easiest. I've not blogged because it would have been a case of "things are blah" day after day and that's just boring.... Plus, and this may sound daft, it does take a fair amount of mental effort to blog...and being honest, I've just not had that to spare this week. I am feeling better, compared to how I was last week anyway, although still not great.... By the way I'd like to say a big thanks to the two readers who commented on my last blog - your comments did help, and I kept them in mind when things were bad...

I had a deadline for the first chapter of my dissertation and after a massive effort, and a 3am finish, I managed to get it done. At first it was awful, I panicked because it felt as though I'd lost the ability to write academically. Given that this has, since I started at Uni, been something which came relatively easy to me and was a 'skill' I had, it was horrible to think that I may have lost that ability. Academics, my degree and now my MA has been the one thing which I've been able to hold onto when all else around me and within me, was falling apart...when I felt like a failure at motherhood, or just at being a decent person, I had that to hold onto. I know that I've had 'wobbles' before, but underneath it all I did have an assumption/belief that I could do this. So to feel, as I did on Thursday, that I couldn't do it, was not fun.... Without my degree I'm not sure that, on the weeks I don't have A anyway, I'd have a reason to force myself out of bed sometimes. But, thankfully, and on the 3rd draft my 'mojo' kicked in again and I wrote 5000 words relatively easily. I'm so relieved. Having that nugget of ability to hold onto is sometimes all I have, and I don't want to lose it. I just hope that my supervisor agrees that the chapter is good. I think part of the problem was that I've not written academically since last May, and so was out of practice - lesson learnt - I must write regularly to keep this 'mojo' active and working.

I think I've mentioned before that I have several places where I'm comfortable, in terms of being able to relax when I'm not at home. Uni is one of these places. I went in on Tuesday for a lecture and my level of anxiety noticeably dropped when I entered the Uni grounds. Weird. And I can't tell you why that happens, but I am pleased about it. The person giving the lecture was Rohan McWilliam, an author who I have referenced several times - so for me, kinda like meeting a celeb....now, you'd expect, especially as I have such severe anxiety issues, that I'd be nervous - and I was, I couldn't quite bring myself to talk to him, although had he not been busy talking to others then I would have done (was more the self-consciousness of hanging around which I couldn't do). However I was relaxed, for me anyway, and would even have gone for a meal with them had I been able to afford it. I really am strange...

However, the combination of Tuesday's venture out of the house, and the achievement of finishing my chapter yesterday, has helped me to feel better than I did this time last week. And for that I am grateful. I've also been reading the book The Ghost in the House by Tracy Thompson, a book about maternal depression. It's been very helpful. I've been struck by the number of times I think "oh yes, that's me" in recognition of a statement by another mum. I wouldn't say it's been totally comforting, because it's reminding me that my depression/anxiety has an effect on A (although when I gently tried to ask him about it and reassure him that my depression is not his fault, he was blase, and told me he wanted to go back to playing Minecraft....yeah ok son)... I'd recommend the book, not only if you're depressed and a mother, but if you know one who is...it will explain what she's going through way better than she/I ever could.

Right now I am going to sign off and go back to zoning out on the sofa...It's far too cold to go outside, and I really don't want to slip on the ice and either make an idiot of myself or hurt myself...far better to stay in the safe and warm house....I'm sure you agree.... Stay safe :)

*insert witty title here*

I've not blogged this week, even though I've wanted to, because whenever I came to do it, I just couldn't think of what to write. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to write about, more that I just couldn't think of how to put it into words, how to express how I'm feeling, without whinging, moaning or just boring you all to tears.... I'm still feeling like that, but the urge to write an entry has become overwhelming, so (with apologies) I've given in and here I am....

I'm exhausted, not physically, but mentally... Every day I fight to stay positive, to achieve something, to get things done, to stay up and alert and not to give in and go hide under the duvet. I fight to talk normally to people, even when I panic because I can't think of anything to say, I fight to be good mother to A, I fight to keep myself 'normal'...and frankly it's flipping knackering. I really really just want to give up, except that when I think about that, something inside me says 'no, you won't' and so I don't....but that doesn't stop me wanting to. I think I know that if I were to give up, to stop trying, to just take to my bed, then I wouldn't feel better and that it would be a bad move - but that doesn't stop it being an attractive options sometimes. In all honesty, I don't really want to give up, I just want a break...the problem is that I don't want to step off the treadmill, as it were, in case I can't step back on again. So all of this is trundling round in my brain, and making me feel very very stressed....

I've just finished reading a book about a girl who developed severe depression and anxiety after taking ecstasy tablets...some of what she said really resonated with me....I understood what she meant when she talked about a pain inside her, which wasn't so my physical as emotional, and I really understood what she meant when she said that sleep was the only respite from her never-ending panic...that's kinda how I feel.. I look forward to bed time, cos I can go to my room, get into bed and just sleep....except that recently even that hasn't been too much of a haven, because my dreams are becoming more troubling - not nightmares, but worse - normal dreams with a hint of menace to them.... She quotes from Paradise Lost:

"The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."

Which makes perfect sense to me, since I never know what to expect from this horrible depression...Things which should be fun, aren't and vice versa. What I do know is that it is getting harder and harder to deal with the lows. They come on with no warning, I can have a week or so when things feel fine and I wonder what I've been worried about, I feel like a fake, as though I've made a fuss over nothing - and then bang, on comes the down, and all of sudden I know I'm not faking...but I wish I was. 

The thing is that I'm so ashamed of feeling this way; there is no reason why I should be depressed. I 'won' the lottery of life, I live in a first world country, I have healthcare, a roof over my head, I'm able to survive, albeit only just, and I have amazing family and friends...so what right have I got to feel like this. I hate feeling like this, I know that there are people who have suffered so much more than me, and I feel as tho I'm disgusting for not being happy, for feeling like this... As a result, apart from this blog, I find it excruciatingly hard to talk to people, even my closest friends, about how I feel.. They'll text me, ask how I am and I'll *always* answer "I'm ok" or a variation of that. Because I just can't bring myself to be honest, I don't want to be always saying how bad I feel..even though I know they love me, and they'll support me, my own self-loathing is such that I can't be honest... Even when I make the effort, and open up, I never tell them how bad it is. My mum probably knows the most, and I don't even tell her everything - partly because I love her and I don't want her to know and to worry (although given that she reads this, I guess she knows now - hi mum)...

This is the most honest I've been for a while, and it is helping to get it all out, I just hope that it lasts... I saw the doctor this week, and have been signed off for 3 months - I also should hear about my counselling appointment very soon. I had the last CBT this week, and I just hope that I don't have to wait too long to see the counsellor - the hope is that seeing someone who is completely independent will allow me to be totally honest, and that the regular visits will keep my on a steady footing...certainly the CBT helped when I was seeing D every week, but even he was shocked at how high my scores were on the questionnaire this week having not seen him since before Christmas (every time you visit you have to fill in a form which assesses how you feel/how you're coping)...

I am going to keep going, I don't want to give in... I have a deadline for my first dissertation chapter at the end of this week (18/01) and although I'm feeling slightly panicked at the thought of it, and have only written 400/4000 words, when I was working on it, I did feel ok...it distracted me and that's always good. Yes, it's exhausting, but so long as I don't look too far ahead, and don't think about keeping fighting, then I can cope... I take it day by day. One thing which has pleased me is that I still haven't fallen off the chocolate wagon - I even bought a bar the other day, and it's still (as far as I know - unless A has stolen it), in the bag - I've not touched it. I keep thinking about eating it but a) I'm kinda scared that if I do I'll fall off the wagon, and b) I don't really want to eat it when I think about it... Given that my weight loss has kinda stabilised, I know that the last thing I should do is to start pigging out again. I'm hoping that once the weather improves, I'll be able to get back on my bike again. Mind you, they're threatening snow for next week - gulp... 

Ok, so I do feel better for getting this all out. I'm going to find a cat to snuggle and try to relax now.... 

Who I am (or who am I?)................

This post was inspired by something a friend of mine posted in a Facebook group. I've never actually met this friend, we 'just' know each other through this group...but what she said really made me think.... Basically she has the same anxiety issues as I do, but until she posted I hadn't realised just how alike we were...the group we met through has nothing to do with anxiety issues. It made me realise that we all have different 'faces' we present to the world, depending on the situation. I don't mean that we lie, or pretend or anything like that, very often it's done without realising, and mostly it's just because we fit into different groups, and thus tend to only discuss 'relevant' things with these groups (clumsily written but I hope you understand what I mean). To be fair, I'd hazard a guess that being Facebook friends with someone means you've got a good chance of knowing a lot about them, depending on their level of sharing, but we all still hide things, whether through fear, or shame or just a feeling that we're not all that interesting.... Even sharing by writing this blog is easier for me because it's not being done face to face; I know people read it, and it is easier to talk to people about things when I know I don't have to explain it all. But today I thought I'd go back to basics, and tell you all about me - the me which some of you know, some of you don't and the bits of me which make up me... :)

So here goes

I AM:
A Student - When I was at school all I wanted to do was leave. Funny how that changes isn't it? At the age of 31 I went back to education and it was the best decision I ever made. I'd been at home, not working since I was signed off with depression in 2005, and this is/was the first step in getting back into the workplace. I've always loved history, it was my favourite subject at school and so I was always only ever going to do a history degree. Now I'm working on my MA and hoping to do a PhD and I know that being at Uni has been a boost when I needed it. Whatever else I feel bad about, I know that I've achieved my degree and am doing well at my MA. It has been a kernel of pride to hold onto when things are bad, and I'm feeling like a failure. Working on essays, and now my dissertation, makes me feel good. I'm learning, but I'm also coming to my own conclusions, backing them up, and showing that my ideas have merit. Learning about the past really does shed light on the present (for example - reading some mid-19th century newspapers is exactly like reading 21st century newspapers...seriously....and worryingly in the way in which the poor are treated and viewed - but that's for another blog entry).... I'm so glad I made the decision to go back to studying, and I'd recommend it for anyone...

I AM:
A Mother - One word which is so emotive, and not always in a good way. Being a mother is, for me anyway, pain as well as pleasure. I love A, hugely, massively, forever, but oh boy does it hurt sometimes. I am the mother of a teenager, but a teenager who takes things just that one step further and who breaks my heart sometimes. The pain of being treated, and spoken to, as though I'm one step below a bit of dirt, especially when it's coming from someone you love, is intense and long lasting. It doesn't go away when the behaviour changes, it just lingers and then comes back worse the next time. I love him, I'm proud of him, but at times I'm ashamed of the way he behaves, and I feel that I'm allowing him to behave that way. Even though I know that I've not encouraged it, or taught him to be that way, in my heart I feel shame, because as parents we are responsible for our children, because there is always something more I could do/have done, to make him change. I want to be proud of him, and I am, but knowing that his behaviour is (at times) so awful, and that people are making judgments about him, is very painful. Knowing that his behaviour reflects on me is very hard to take, especially when a) I'm on the receiving end anyway and b) I've tried so hard to bring him up properly. Witnessing him being bullied by some kids (who didn't realise that I was his mum) was distressing beyond belief - especially when their response to me calling them on it was to mouth off at me - and thus remind me again just how impotent we are against kids these days. I'd never have dared to speak to another adult the way they spoke to me, and although I know I wasn't perfect, I'm pretty sure I never spoke to, or treated my parents, the way A does me....so yeah I love being a mum, I love A, I love it when we spend time together and we're just chilling, enjoying life...but it's heartbreaking how quickly that can change and it makes me cherish the good times even more.

I AM:
Unemployed - oh dear, look at me...student AND unemployed, I'm pretty sure there are some people out there (not included in the lovely people reading this) who see me as the lowest of the low, someone who really should just be put in a workhouse and left to quietly die...yes really, there are people like that now (see my mini rant above re attitudes in 19th and 21st centuries).... It's very hard to realise that people who don't even know you, hate you and think you're scum.....fair enough if you've met me and think that, I'm sure you have your reasons, but just because I'm unemployed doesn't make me bad. There are reasons why I don't work. Good reasons. It's taken me a long long time to be able to say that, and to be fair if someone was in my face telling me I'm bad for being unemployed, I'm not sure I'd have the confidence to say it. But it's true. Panic attacks in the workplace tend to be frowned upon, as does not being able to talk to people because you've never met them before. I know that there are people out there who scam benefits, and who are workshy, but I'm not. And judging a whole group on the actions of a small minority is not fair, it says more about the person judging tho. As I've already stated, I am a mother...and thus I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't - by that I mean, I'm criticised for not working, but if I work then who supervises A, and who's blamed if he goes off the rails completely???? Oh yeah, that would be me.... So right now, the best thing for me and for A, is that I don't work. That may, probably will, change. Until then however, I want to do the best for A, and by default, for myself as well.

I AM:
A mad old cat lady - I know those of you who really know me are laughing at this but it's true. I love my cats. I really do. In the madness of my life they are the constant...they can calm me, infuriate me, make me laugh, make me cry - I wouldn't be without them. I have 4 at the moment and they all have different personalities.... Billy (we thought he was female until the vet came to spay, and realised that uh oh he'd have to neuter instead - Milly thus became Billy), is the only male cat and is thus not the boss..haha...he is becoming more of a softy in his old age, but still likes to catch the odd pigeon and fight with other cats. Molly is his sister, she is the boss and never lets him forget it. She is very much A's cat, she loves him and misses him when he's not here. She is,however, also a hussy and whoever comes into the house, be it police or fireman or friend, has to fuss her before anything else - yes she did try to climb the legs of the last policeman who came round....Taff is the quietest, she takes a while to trust people and is not a lap cat (although sometimes she'll deign to sit on me), however once she gets to know people she is very loving. She's more happy just curled up on the back of the sofa, getting the occasional fussing. Purdy is very much my cat, I sear she thinks I'm her mum (and that means that when she can't find me she will meow for me and yes I do meow back...hey, mad old cat lady remember)...she's a softy and very quiet but she's seen me through some very tough times..... My cats are here for me at all times, and I don't think I'd be ok without them.

I AM:
An Aston Villa supporter - (stop laughing at the back)...yes, for my sins, I was indoctrinated at a young age into the Villa...through good times and bad (I told you, stop laughing), I remain a supporter....although sometimes I wish there weren't quite so many bad times....

I AM:
A girl who likes sport - yes, really.....it's funny how many people, ok men, are shocked and, yes, upset by this fact. As if women can't like sport. Well I do. So there. I love watching football, tennis, F1, American football etc... I even understand the rules, although understanding the NFL took me a while....Sport allows me to just relax, to watch other people doing something they're good at, and to admire talent, and yes ok sometimes to admire the participants (cough Rafa Nadal cough)....

I AM:
Depressed and anxious a lot of the time - it's always there, underlying everything - that churning feeling in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the fear. Just because I seem to be ok doesn't mean I am. Equally just because I get anxious doesn't mean I can't overcome it, and have a good time. Meeting new people is terrifying, I project onto them my fears about what people think of me - so I worry that they're thinking that I'm a failure or whatever - even though logically I know they're not thinking it - why would they even care? - but the thought is in my head and I can't get it out. Going out and making conversation is really hard when all you can think is that people find you boring or laughable...again, the issue here is not that people are bad, but that my brain won't let me relax for a moment...people aren't bad and they aren't thinking those things (at least I don't think they are) but in my head I think that about me, so I fear others do as well (does that make sense?) It's so much safer to stay in, where I can talk over the 'net and not have to face people. It's not that I don't like people, I do..and once I know someone things are fine, but I'm so scared most of the time. That is very hard to overcome every single day. It takes so much effort that one day out can exhaust me for several days. A lot of what I think and feel is almost automatic now, so that I'm not even aware that I'm doing it - there's just this background level of churning and throat lumps to remind me that I'm not normal.

I AM:
A bookworm - ahhhh reading, saving me from awkward situations every day... I love books - those of you who've been to my house can testify to this....I'm a fast reader and I read everything from true crime, to history, to thrillers, to chick-lit, to real life stories.....reading allows me to escape, just for a while, and it means I'm rarely bored....

I AM:
A good friend - well I like to think so. For all my fears about meeting new people, once someone is a friend then that's all in the past - I love my friends, and my family, I'm so proud of them all and spending time with them is one of my favourite things. Facebook has allowed me to get to know so many new people, but also to keep in touch with 'old' ones....I cherish that, because without my friends and family, I'd be in so much trouble. They keep me going, they help me out in so many ways, and being part of a family/friends group is such a lovely feeling. It counteracts the muttering inside telling me I'm a failure, it helps to remind me that I am loved, and that no matter how bad I feel, someone is there for me. I hope, and I try, to be as good a friend to people as they are to me.. Without friends and family, the world would be a cold empty place....

Well, that's it for now - maybe I'll think of more... it's been good to write this down, it's reminded me of things to be grateful for and helped me, for a little bit, to ignore the nasty thoughts.... Thank you

oooh it's been a while since I posted..............

Hey there, yes I'm back...been a while I know but there's been this little thing called Christmas which has kinda distracted me for a bit..... Speaking of Christmas, I hope you all had a wonderful time, and were thoroughly spoilt...

So, pre-Christmas for me was pretty much all about the coughing and the gunk..yes, I caught the lurgy which is doing the rounds and it wasn't fun.... Last week was, in fact, a pretty crappy week (apart from Friday).... Wednesday saw me seemingly lose all the photo's on my laptop (although they made a miraculous return several days later - it's still puzzling me although I'm so relieved not to have lost them completely - lesson learnt - backing up is vital..)... and then I started to feel really ill as I was wrapping the Christmas presents...normally that's something I love doing but what with thinking I'd lost my photo's and feeling as though I had an iron band clamped round my chest, I didn't have so much fun this time. In fact it wasn't until Friday, when A had a half day at school and we spent the afternoon watching Christmas films (Muppet Christmas Carol, Polar Express and Elf), that I started to cheer up... spending time with A, nice time, not fighting, is so lovely and those 3 films are our traditional Christmas viewing...I'm wondering if it's worrying that I know so much of Muppet Christmas Carol off by heart?? lol...

Saturday was spent resting, and worrying that my illness would prevent me going to see my friend for Christmas...her sister is very vulnerable to illnesses and I'd never have forgiven myself if I'd passed it on to her... Fortunately I did start to feel better, and so on Sunday morning I set off to Reading where I was met by C's dad and my god-daughter (who was looking so very grown up - it's scary)... It's always good to be at C's, it's like being at home and I can relax..... Sunday evening saw us all at the Salvation Army carol service, which was lovely.....there's something essentially Christmassy about the SA band, and the singers were amazing....the little ones did a lovely nativity play (although I still say that the donkey bore more resemblance to a rabbit than anything else)... it was a really nice way to ease into the Christmas week, and C's dads running commentary was very amusing....

Christmas Eve was a pajama day, involving hot chocolate, marshmallows and silly telly....the girls are big fans of Moshi Monsters and so my ears were assaulted by the 'songs' these little creatures have made....it's scary how involved toys are these days - they all have their own albums..weird.... It's a good job I love the girls because having to listen to Moshis, Justin Bieber and One Direction in one day was almost more than I could take....lol

And so to Christmas Day, which was spent with C's family.....I'm very fortunate because they include me as a member of the family, and it's so lovely. Not to mention the fact that C's mum cooks the most delicious dinner.... I'm not sure I could have had a nicer Christmas day to be honest, because just chilling out, watching the kids playing, and L, C's sister, doing her jigsaws, whilst a cheesy film was playing on the TV, was great. I did feel very relaxed, and for me that's a huge treat.... Boxing Day was more of the same; gorgeous food, chilling out with lovely people and feeling relaxed.

Then yesterday I came home, and although it's lovely to be back, and it was great to see A again (even the cats were pleased to see me), I've been feeling very down and blah.... I'm not quite sure why. It may be just a post-Christmas reaction, or it could be because I didn't sleep very well last night. But for whatever reason I'm not great right now, and to make matters worse, the fact that I'm feeling so bad is making me feel bad...yes, really.... I've really missed writing my blog, but I've held off doing so because I really didn't just want it to be one long whine about how crap things are...for one thing I'm well aware that other people have things way worse than I do, and for another it just felt wrong... Maybe if I'd blogged I'd have felt better, but it's hard to say.... The problem is that when I feel like this I often can't pinpoint a reason as to why I feel this way; which means that I struggle to fix it. Then I feel frustrated and angry with myself for feeling like this without justification, (coming back to my earlier point about knowing others who are worse off), and so it goes in a spiral of feel crap-beat self up-feel crap ad infinitum.... The churny feeling is back in my stomach, and the lump is back in my throat....I feel as though I want to cry but I don't really, although maybe I should listen to some sad music and make myself cry, maybe it would help, I don't know.... I don't want to feel like this, I want to look forward to things, to think of what I have planned for tomorrow and to be happy, rather than to just want to go to bed and stay there.... I think part of it is the fact that, as always, after Christmas January is a long month on little money and I'm already feeling the pressure.... I love Christmas, especially choosing and giving presents....but it's becoming harder and harder to do this on a limited budget and whilst I don't mind making sacrifices in order to do so, it's still hard when the whole month is squeaky bum time, rather that just a few days. It's especially hard now because I've made such an effort and been such a good girl about paying my bills and staying in my budget, up till now....

January will also bring the deadline for the first chapter of my dissertation, as well as more doctors appointments and (hopefully) the first of my counselling appointments...so that's a LOT of things happening and I have to be honest, I am experiencing anxiety about it all... Getting over the first hurdle of starting the chapter will be the hardest part, once I've done that I'm sure I'll be ok...I'm just having a crisis of confidence at the moment....fingers crossed that I can overcome it and make a start next week.... A still has a week off school, and on Tuesday we travel to Romsey for the annual Parker family gathering (my mum's side of the family) - always a good laugh, great to see everyone again and this year even my brother is going to be there...which is a minor miracle....lol.... so I'm looking forward to that.... In the meantime, I'm going to try and get myself out of this funk.....I don't know how, but I'll do my best....

still knackered.....lol

So I just realised that I hadn't blogged for a while.....sorry about that.... Things have been a bit manic here and I'm so tired I've been falling asleep on the sofa at night....classy eh? Anyway, I remembered tonight, yay me, and so here I am....don't all cheer at once.... :)

The last week has been so busy, but in a good way.... Friday night saw me baby-sitting for J and L, although I think that E and A would object to being referred to as 'babies', come to think of it N probably would as well....lol... I love to spend time with J, L and their kids....it's always so much fun, although being pee'd on wasn't the highlight of the evening..the trouble is that now A is all grown up (ha) I forget that little ones should *always* be taken to the toilet, even when they say they don't need to go...yeah, learnt that lesson....but N is so cute that I forgave him immediately...

Saturday saw A and I traveling to Farnborough where we were picked up by our lovely friend A, to begin our trip to Scunthorpe for the Jack's Army Christmas meal.... it was a long journey, featuring traffic jams on the m25 (so not surprising) and the m1. It wasn't too bad tho, although I did get a bit confused, and thus we got lost, once we arrived in Scunthorpe. We made it to J's house, and were promptly mobbed by Rosie the dog...totally the cutest puppy and so welcoming.... It was so good to see J and her family again, and for A to meet them for the first time. Such a lovely welcoming place to be.... The meal was lovely, and it was great to see Jack's 'mahoosive extended family' again....such a shame that not everyone could be there... We laughed and remembered Jack, and I loved seeing Jack's family smiling and laughing....we know that the pain doesn't go away, but Jack's Army is, and always will be, there for them, seeing them smile is brilliant.... Jack remains in so many people's hearts, always loved and remembered.. Each time a picture of Jack is posted on Facebook I decide that it's my favourite (and I know I'm not the only one), and each time I see his smile, I smile too.... This Christmas I'll be thinking of Jack, and of his family, and remembering the brave li'l BIG man who captured my heart, and whose bravery inspires me every single day....

Sunday saw us travelling back down south, but not until we'd had a delicious roast dinner cooked by J, and had spent time chilling out....it was such a great time, and neither of us wanted to leave.... I'm so very grateful to A, for driving us there and back, and to J for letting us stay....we'll be back...don't say we haven't warned you... ;)

After all the traveling and late nights/early mornings of the last week, I was totally exhausted yesterday... I had a hospital appointment but cancelled it, as I just couldn't face getting there and dealing with the discomfort involved. I know I still have to have the test done, but putting it off until the New Year seems to be the right decision. I did, however, spend the day cleaning and tidying the house - I even washed the hall floor - woohoo... So it wasn't all bad...

Emotionally I'm very up and down at the moment, sometimes totally convinced that I've upset people, or said the wrong thing, sometimes just so tired that I want to hide in bed, sometimes on an even keel which then leads to a feeling that the rest of the time I'm failing at life....so yeah, totally screwy is probably the technical term. I'm not totally down (not at the moment anyway) and I'm looking forward to Christmas, but day to day stuff is still a struggle.

Weirdly, and annoyingly, whenever I speak to someone about how I feel, or what's been happening, once the initial 'relief' has passed, I actually feel worse, and I've noticed that this is getting worse. Today, for example, Sarah from MABS (multi-agency behavioural services) came over. She is working with us, specifically A and I, in order to try and sort out his behaviour and get him back on track. This means that she talks to me in detail, as she needs to cover all bases and be aware of everything which is going on in A's life. Today I opened up to her about some really personal stuff, information which not many people know...and although it was a relief to tell her, and to discuss it with her, once she had gone I felt dreadful... I've noticed this before, i.e. feeling bad after a CBT appointment, or even after I've talked to my mum. This isn't anything to do with those I'm talking to, it's not their fault at all...they're being lovely, sympathetic, caring etc., but for some reason, and probably not surprisingly, talking stirs up feelings and makes things tricky for a while. I'm now beginning to be concerned about the counselling which is due to start in January, and am hoping that I'll be able to cope with it ok... We shall see....

Tomorrow I'm planning on making a start on the first chapter of my MA dissertation...scary...but it has to be done... actually I'm kinda looking forward to it, as well as being scared...it's the first step towards completing this last stage of my MA and I'm keen to get writing.... I just hope that the long break since I last wrote (academically anyway) won't hamper my efforts... Then I plan to spend the evening wrapping Christmas presents (and probably wrestling with the cats as they try to join in...lol)..... I do enjoy sorting and wrapping presents, although it's at this point that I normally discover I've forgotten to buy one or two gifts...at least I should have time to go and buy them

So, with that, I shall leave you with this gorgeous pic of Jackamo....

Sleep needed

So things have been slightly crazy around recently...but I can tell that you're not surprised by that...lol.... I'm still not sleeping very well at night, and so Sunday was spent lazing in bed, dozing and listening to the football on the radio......and texting my friend C, who had suddenly developed a resemblance to the elephant man due to a vicious abscess in her jaw... She, poor girl, spent most of Sunday trailing from the emergency dentist to the Royal Berks Hospital and then up to John Radcliffe...where she was stabbed with needles and put on a drip which contained lots of lovely drugs.... As soon as it was clear that she was in real trouble, and would have to have an operation I made arrangements to go and be with her (would like to say a huge thank you to my parents for helping make that happen, you guys rock).. She was on her own, and (as I would have been) scared about having an op... So instead of meeting up for lunch with friends on Monday, and working on my dissertation chapter plan, I was instead getting the train to Oxford. And promptly getting lost once I arrived..Memo to Oxford tourist office, your map is, how can I put this, USELESS!! Seriously, it was like reading spaghetti when you've taken hallucinogenic drugs, (not that I've ever done that)... As you can imagine, I was pretty stressed out but I'm pleased to say that I coped, I didn't lose it and I did find my way to the correct bus stop eventually (after a pit stop in Maccy D's - hey I was hungry ok, not that it was worth £3...ah well)....

John Radcliffe hospital (for those of you who haven't been there, which I hadn't prior to Monday), is HUGE....and like a rabbit warren...and the lifts have a nasty habit of bypassing whichever floor has the most people waiting for the lift to stop...lol... yeah, finding my way to C's ward was interesting...but I made it.. And I have to say that the building, signposts and lifts are rubbish but the staff, at least on ward 6f, were amazing. C's nurse was called Katie and she was so lovely....to me as well as to C... I got there in time to walk down with C when she was taken to surgery, and then I spent the next 2 and 1/2 hours worrying...part of it on my own, part of it with C's dad...it took longer than we'd both thought it would and it was horrible. C is a sister to me, we've been friends for over 20 years (so makes me feel old saying that), we are god-mum to each others children, and we plan on being mad old cat ladies together when we grow up....even tho I knew that this op wasn't a big, serious one, it was still hard during that wait.

Mind you, her dad and I managed to entertain, or maybe shock the 3 other ladies on the ward, when we had a discussion about my MA dissertation topic...I tried to keep my voice down, C's dad, not so much.. and given that my topic covers the contagious diseases acts of the 19th century, this meant that they were treated to comments about prostitutes, VD, and whether or not the Victorians truly understood the difference between gonorrhea and syphilis....oh yeah...did make me giggle.... C eventually came back, groggy and in pain but with noticeably less swelling....I was so relieved, altho when they had to put her on oxygen (a fairly high amount as well) I was scared again...

By this point Katie (C's nurse) was 12 hours into a 13 hour shift!!!!! And she was still smiling, still cheerful, still happy to talk to each and every one of the patients including the elderly lady with dementia who was repetitive and upset...Katie was so compassionate and showed absolutely no desire to throw me out of the window when I started making silly jokes to cover up how upset I was about C.... Me, after that many hours, I'd be knackered, in pain and fed up....so Katie (and her colleagues) are amazing in my eyes.... She ended up doing nearly 14 hours before she left, because she was so intent on making certain all the patients she was caring for were happy, knew who was taking over from her and had had everything done that she'd promised, even if it was simply finding a menu sheet.... I have to admit I felt a bit ashamed of myself as I watched her, because I couldn't do her job, let alone do it with the cheer and good will which she showed, and even less so at the end of a 13 hour day..... In my, not so, humble opinion the nurses are under-appreciated and under-paid.... Yesterday they helped make things easier, not just for C, but for her dad and for me. They let me stay past the end of visiting hours, they kept us informed, they were kind and caring to everyone, not just the patients... Now if only they could removed the hideous bright pink curtains (the men's ward had blue ones - gender stereotyping anyone?) which were, sadly, everywhere and rather headache inducing...

Talking headaches brings me to my journey home...first of all a fight for a taxi - apparently the automated system doesn't work so well when there are three separate requests for a cab from the same place..oops - then an eye-watering fare (£9!!!)....having said that the actual train journey wasn't too bad...well the first one wasn't, but the train from Guildford to Portsmouth had originated in London and was thus full of drunk people; drunk people who had, and I apologise to those of you with delicate constitutions, lost their ability to use the toilet properly....thus when I went in it was, not to put to fine a point on it, disgusting....no more details but suffice it to say that I washed my trainers when I got home, and had pushed my jeans up to my knees when I went in.... Seriously wonder what goes through people's minds sometimes..it's not rocket science and even if the train moves it's not tricky to use a loo....unless you're a drunken moron of course....

Finally arriving home at gone midnight, I was greeted by 4 cats, all doing a great impression of a starving animal who has forgotten what food looks like....I wasn't fooled, I'd fed them this morning and they had dried food left - nevertheless, and to stop them meowing, I fed them more dried food which they fell on as tho they'd not eaten for a week (again, trust me, they have)...why do they do that? Weird creatures....

Today has been spent trying to do some Uni work in between collapsing with sheer exhaustion..I'm pleased to say that I've managed to (at the last minute) do my chapter plan for my first dissertation chapter - just in time for my meeting with supervisor tomorrow morning...last minute work - it's the future...lol....

So that's been me, folks.... I've coped with what would normally be a very stressful situation, but I've also been worried sick about my friend...so it appears that the way to get through stressful situations, such as getting lost, is to be worried about someone else....hmmm...not sure that will catch on to be honest... But in all seriousness, yesterday was a mix of the good (getting to see C) and the bad (worrying about her)... I wouldn't have been anywhere else, there was no chance I was leaving her in hospital on her own, and I'm so glad I went up...I'd have been more worried if I'd stayed at home...but it brought home to me just how much I've relied on her (along with my parents) to keep me going....she understands, and even if it's just via text, she can help me to feel better....I'm spending Christmas with her family, who are like a second family to me...the comfort that gives me is huge...I have somewhere, which is a safe place for me, where I can go and enjoy Christmas...it's not that I'd be alone if I didn't have C, but I love being with her daughters and I get to enjoy Christmas through the kids, even tho A will be with his dad... So yesterday was scary, because she was really sick, and although I'm sure there was no real danger, I was scared.... It's easy to hide that behind jokes, but when I left it did hit me and I didn't really want to go home.... I'm glad to say that she's ok, and was discharged today.... which is a huge relief - to her as well I'm sure ;)

Right, I have to go to bed now...tomorrow brings a day of having a humiliating medical procedure, followed by a meeting with my dissertation supervisor...although only the first one really bothers me....and then I get to have lunch with J, so it could be worse.... More to the point I need sleep... *yawn* Night all....

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk

So, did you miss me? Did you? Did you? Ah but of course you did...in between enjoying the blessed peace and quiet, and catching up on all those things you'd been meaning to do, but had put off so as to read my blog - you know, like feeding the kids, grooming the cat, doing your nails, cleaning the house....haha

But yes...I *finally* have my laptop back.....talk about first world problems - my laptop was in the shop being repaired for two weeks and I hated every day of it...I didn't realise quite how much I use my laptop until I didn't have it....my phone was about the only thing which kept me from climbing the walls....but I couldn't blog from it, too tricky, and I really really missed blogging... It was lovely to be contacted by people who'd noticed that I'd not blogged for a while, who wanted to know if I was ok and who said they missed the blog....that's balm to a crazy girl's soul that is.....

Aaaannnnyyyywayyyyyyyy....................I'm not going to detail everything which has happened since I last blogged (stop cheering so loud, lol).... It's been, not surprisingly, a very up and down couple of weeks.... Generally speaking I've been on a fairly even keel, albeit a very low and blah keel...but even nonetheless.... A has been fantastic, well at home anyway....I've been opening up a bit more to him about my illness, and far from scaring him, he seems to be responding well...he's been very caring, and has certainly behaved better for me. School, however, is another matter....although he didn't get into any trouble this week.....because he was off sick all week...sigh...but yes, I received a letter today stating that he is now being put into IE on Wednesday for the day because he swore at two teachers (which I knew he'd done) and also for selling fizzy drinks at school (which I didn't know about, and am totally baffled by)....I'm sure I shall be enlightened but for now, it's a puzzle.... Fingers crossed he will go into school ok on Monday because he really hates it at the moment... He's been poorly this week, but he was so happy that he didn't have to go to school....

For me things have been, as I said, fairly even. I've had a few moments of meltdown, which have been resolved by losing myself in a book.... I've also been back and forward to the doctors about various things, and am beginning to find it hard to sit in the waiting room without twitching.. I've been signed off till the middle of January, which is a relief, because I can look forward to Christmas without worrying about JSA or looking for a job... I'm still feeling very low, and having frequent anxiety attacks..interestingly I think that the reason this week hasn't been too bad was that because I had to stay with Aiden, I didn't have to go out too much....so there wasn't as much pressure on me.... My dreams are still very vivid, however, probably due to a combination of all the anxiety and the medication I'm on (venlafaxine side effects include intense/vivid dreams...)... this means that I'm waking several times at night, and am feeling scared and edgy during the day...again, I can distract myself but it's exhausting.....

I'm sticking to the diet tho, although exercise has been a bit hit and miss recently....I have an advent calendar (well I have to, ok) but I keep forgetting to open it, and only do so when A threatens to eat my chocolate as well as his....so right now, I'm not craving chocolate (Tesco's lemon yoghurt however is another matter...that with meringue = nom nom nom....) I'm pretty sure that I will eat waaay too much over Christmas tho...I'm heading to my friend C's house, and we will be going, along with my god-daughters, to her parents for Christmas day and Boxing day...now C's mum cooks the most amazing roast dinners...and I shall have two, one on Christmas day and one on Boxing day, not to mention the buffet teas and cake... *mouth waters* .. I love C's family, they're like another family to me and as A will be with his dad this year, it is fab that I can go there and be absorbed into their family Christmas.....I think they'll have to roll me onto the train when I leave tho...all that food....lol

Speaking of Christmas, I'm actually looking forward to it....there's still the worry over money (buying presents makes things tighter than normal), but I so love buying and giving presents that I'm managing not to panic too much.... A and I decorated the tree this week..it's gone up early because we're apart at Christmas so we wanted to make it last as long as possible.....

I do love it when the tree goes up....It always looks so cheerful, bright and sparkly... plus it confuses the cats and that makes me giggle... Purdy has already knocked several baubles off and chased them round the room, she also seems to love sitting under the tree...there aren't any pressies under there yet, and I'm mildly concerned about what she'll do when I put them there....could be interesting..... 

This time next week A and I will be in Scunthorpe, for the Jack's Army Christmas meal....cannot wait... so excited to be seeing people again, although I'm gutted that some of the lovelies can't make it (you know who you are... I shall miss you).... A is really excited as he's not been to a Jack's Army 'event' before, and he is counting the days until we go...am so grateful to my friend A for driving us up there (and for sorting out the train tickets to her place) and to the lovely J who is opening her b&b again so that A and I can stay with her.... Jack is still my hero and inspiration..every single day I see his smiley face and I remind myself that he went through so much, and he smiled...so I can go through what I'm dealing with, and smile as well...Jack stops me from getting too low, from feeling too sorry for myself, he reminds me there is always something which will make you smile, or distract you, and that each of us is stronger than we think we are.... I still miss him all the time, I so wish that we were still getting daily updates and pics from his mum, and that he was still there with his family, they are so amazing, and they also are inspiring to me.... 

So there you go...I'm back....It's good to be back blogging again....Now I've got to start working on the first chapter of my dissertation....even though I'm really anxious about it, I'm going to make myself get on with it...I'm learning to live with the anxiety, to force through it (if I can) and to take time out when I can't....it's not easy, and I'm so grateful to all my amazing family and friends, who have been so supportive and caring.... You all rock...