Did you miss me? Well of course you did :)

Hey, long time no write/read....sorry 'bout that.. Kinda got caught up with, well, being a proper student... by the time I'd written 1000 words about the 19th century, I really didn't jump at the chance to write more, even if those were about me :)

Anyway, I'm back, and I'm sure you're chuffed to bit about that....don't hide it, embrace it....or something... yeah, sorry, am a little punch drunk today, lack of sleep does that to me.... apologies in advance for the insanity which follows....

I would update you on what's been going on since I last posted but a) I can't *actually* remember when that was, b) I can't remember what I've done, well not all of it anyway and c) most importantly I loves you lot and I really don't want to bore you stupid....sooooo, here's a mini update (which will probably turn into a loooong post)...oh and a picture of Purdy-cat in a tree. Just because...

So, being terribly British I shall of course start with the weather....which is now reverting to being more typical of a British summer .. i.e. RAIN.... I did manage to get in a few days of enjoying the garden though, and one Sunday I even managed to doze off on a sun-lounger...bliss.... Just laying there, looking up at the sky through the branches, with the cats (baffled as to why I was in their territory) curled up next to me, and bees, butterflies and other buzzy/flying things keeping me company...

Fingers crossed the weather will be nice again, so that A and I can enjoy some days out, and make the most of the summer holidays. Yes, it's that wonderful time - the 6 week long holiday. I do like it, although I understand why some don't. I have lots planned, although much depends on finances, but we are aiming to go to Brighton for the day this Friday. It's so lovely to spend time with him, and I'm pleased that he still wants to do so. In the meantime, I have been working very hard on my dissertation and, thankfully, so far it is flowing well. I've written way more than I need to but I operate on the belief that it's better to write it all, use all the evidence I want to, and then to go through and edit it down. So much easier to do than trying to decide what to put in/leave out as I go along. Of course I won't be able to use everything I've found, much to my disgust, but that's the nature of academic research, if you've done it correctly then you will always have more research than you can use... I'm really enjoying writing it as well, which is a relief. Sometimes, no matter how much you like the topic, writing it can be a chore. So far, not the case and fingers crossed it stays that way. 

Other than that I've been chilling with A, and when he's not here and I'm not writing, then I've been relaxing with a good book. Bliss. Really. I've also had the chance to catch up with some friends who I'd not seen for a while. Last week, on Tuesday, it was the graduation for those who did the MA over one year. I should, of course, have been graduating with them, but I wasn't. I'm not going to lie, it was a weird, bittersweet feeling, but I'm glad I went. A and I went and sat in Guildhall Square and watched on the big screen. My friend J was graduating (undergrad) as well, so bonus was getting to see him. I'd had a lovely lunch with him the day before, and it reminded me just how nice it is to see people who are friends and I don't have to pretend with them, or fake calmness or whatever. Anyway, it was great to witness people I care about graduating. Sandi Toksvig is the Chancellor at the moment, and her speech was very funny. Hoping that she's still Chancellor when I graduate next year. I'm so proud all my friends who graduated last week. You know who you are. Well done *big cheer*

Today has also been nice, another friend J (not same one as last week) came back to Pompey for a visit, and we met up with M who was our tutor, and as a bonus the legend that is JT (and his lovely wife S) turned up at the cafe as well. So it was a fabulous morning, and I was sad when I had to leave. For the first time in a long time I wasn't happier to be going home. Progress? JT is legendary because he is just amazing as a person and as a lecturer. He does one option at undergrad level called Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash - about pirates. Needless to say it is the most popular unit option. I loved it so much. Both JT and his wife are lovely people, so kind and supportive. So today I was very fortunate, I was with people who support me, and encourage me, and are there for me. A good thing. 

In other news, I received my appeal notification (after the cancellation last time). I have a friend coming with me (another J), and although I'm not looking forward to it, and am already finding myself going over scenarios in my head, I'm trying not to focus on it too much. I'm terrified that they won't reverse the decision, and I'm scared about what I will do then. But I'm telling myself that worrying won't help. And that works. Mostly. 

Before then I've got a wedding to look forward to; my cousin S is marrying her fiance A, and I can't wait. I have a new dress (which fits and looks good - YAY), and A is going to make them a cake - as he can't make it to the wedding. So I'm focusing on that, because it will be good, and because S and A deserve my attention, the DWP et al do not. 

Things on the 'healing' front are problematic however. It has been decided, not surprisingly, that the self-help I was referred for is not "appropriate" for me right now. Talking Change have closed my file. Which sucks. I need more counselling. They agree. I agree. But they won't provide it for me, I have to go to somewhere which charges. Even though part of the reason I need more counselling is because in the last set of sessions, a lot of stuff from my past, which I had successfully (if unhealthily) suppressed, was raked up again and now I'm dealing (or rather not dealing) with it. I am cross that TC are abandoning me like this. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks again. I'm having panic attacks if I see someone who looks like a certain person. And I'm remembering things I'd really rather not. But despite this, all they would offer me was CBT which I've already had, and which they themselves agree will not actually help. I *know* intellectually how to deal with the flashbacks/dreams etc., but that's not much help when the underlying problem won't go away. So I have to pluck up the courage to go to this new service and cross my fingers (I'm doing a lot of that right now) that I can afford to use them. If not, well I don't know. I don't want to think about that right now. I'm slipping a bit on the ol' chocolate front, although I know it could be worse. I've managed to resist most of the time, but every so often it really gets too much and I give in. Of course I then beat myself up, which doesn't help. So I'm trying to work through this without doing too much damage to myself or others. 

On the plus side, I'm rocking my walking stick. I'm using it for any walking journeys I do over about 1/4 mile. I'm learning not to care, because it really does help me. And as JT said, it's very useful for poking people with ;) In all seriousness though I am slightly concerned that, because it allows me to walk further than I could without it, I could be doing more harm than good. But I have a physio appointment on Monday, and I will ask him about it then - I'm also going to ask for a referral for a scan. Fundamentally my knee is not improving, it's getting worse. Something has to be done, even if it's just to rule out causes. We will see. 

So that's me right now. I'm doing okay. Because I'm working on my dissertation, and spending time with A, and with friends, and I'm not doing anything challenging. I'm well aware that when things go wrong, I'm not coping; e.g. Sunday when A had a run in with the local idiots up near where his dad's girlfriend lives...panic attacks and tears on Sunday night, and a hangover from that (not alcohol) yesterday. So it's still there. Lurking. Even when I'm coping, there's a part of me which knows that. I just have to carry on, what else can I do. 

Finally, I want to leave you with this blog post written by my friend BR, it's a beautiful tribute to her friend who died recently. I cried when I read it. It broke my heart. I have no doubt that he knew he was loved, but other things were too much for him. Anger and heartbreak are the words which spring to mind. Sometimes people can't be strong any more. I can't comprehend how he must have felt, and yet I am going through similar issues. No one situation matches another exactly. But we all have a responsibility to our friends/family etc., Reach out, check people are alright, be there for a giggle, but also for when things are hard. I've never have got through any of this without my family and friends. 

http://titflasher.wordpress.com/2013/07/26/for-greg-and-all-who-loved-him/

Love and hugs to all 

A mammoth catch up

Well, it's been a while since I blogged, but I do have a good excuse, honest. Last week was taken up with lots of hard, physical work and by the time it came to the evening, my normal blogging time, I could barely keep my eyes open or remember my own name, let alone write coherently about my day....Over the weekend, I intended to blog but somehow time just got away from me. So here I am.

Firstly, the garden. Well it looks amazing and all the hard work was worth it. This is what it looked like beforehand:

By the end of Thursday, after a lot of hard work by my mum, my uncle, and my neighbour Bill, it looked like this:

It took a lot of sweat and very hard work, and I am really grateful to everyone who helped. Being able to have a garden which is nice to look at, and (more importantly) I can sit out in, is a huge bonus - and just in time for the hot weather.....

Bill, my lovely neighbour, even sorted my front garden out for me. He got rid of an old bush, and relaid all the concrete patio slabs... I felt very fortunate last week. Not least when my mum bravely saved me from the shed full of spiders:

Thanks Mum..... I did feel a bit bad as I cut back the brambles etc., because beforehand although the garden was a jungle, the bees, butterflies, and frogs, were loving it.... I'm hoping that, even with my anti green fingers, I'll be able to control the brambles and other plants, so that they don't take over the garden but do provide cover and food for insects etc. I even found the paddling pool, which was very useful as a giant washing up bowl, lol. All in all it was a great week, even if it didn't start off so well....

Oh yes, last Monday....I was due to have my appeal against the removal of my ESA heard, my mum had come down a day earlier so that she could come with me. I was on the bus, on the way into town to get the train to Havant, for the tribunal (at 10:40am) when (at 9:29am) I received a call from the Tribunal service telling me that they were cancelling it. Yes. An hour before it was due to start. Needless to say I was not happy, and once I was off the bus, I rang them back. A long, and not particularly pleasant, conversation ensued. The upshot was that the fault lay with the DWP in Cardiff (now why does that not surprise me), who had somehow listed my appeal with the wrong panel. Apparently, each judge has a specialty, not to mention that they receive the case files a few days before so that they can read up and know what's going on. I still don't fully understand it, but my case had been sent to the wrong panel, and so the judge had said he/she couldn't hear it. I don't know if they had read the case file, or not but whatever had happened the appeal was cancelled and I now have to wait for another one to be set. I was angry, and upset. But as with all bureaucracies, it doesn't matter about the individual, they don't care. It's just "oops sorry" and then you just have to deal with it. No care about the impact on people, no attempt to make it right, no consideration of resolving it so that the person (me) doesn't lose out, and certainly no indication that they will learn from their mistakes. Can you imagine them being so understanding if I'd made the error? I'll just wait for you to stop laughing. Glass of water? All ok now? Good good.... So that was the start to the week, thankfully it did get much better from then on.... Mum and I decided to wander round town, and I found a dress for my cousins' wedding, which really cheered me up. And it was on sale, which cheered me up even more... I'm still waiting to hear about the appeal but I'm not holding my breath.

Sadly A has been really poorly for the last few days. He started with an ear infection on Wednesday which the doctor initially wanted to treat by seeing if he could beat it himself. Unfortunately he couldn't, and was back to the docs on Friday, being given an antibiotic ear spray. However it doesn't seem to be working, he is still having a lot of ear pain, and swelling and can't hear properly. I know all teenagers have selective hearing but this is genuine. Without paracetamol and ibuprofen his temp goes up, and he gets very lethargic, and even in this heat will feel cold. As I write this he is curled up on the end of the sofa covered in a blanket. I've had to turn the fan off, so I am melting. He is cold. If he's no better tomorrow morning then I will have to get in touch with the doc again.

Having A off school made this morning interesting, as I had a docs appointment myself, and then a physio appointment. I don't like leaving him on his own when he's ill but having dosed him up with his painkillers etc., and tucked him up in bed, off I went. The docs was just for a medication review - much needed. The doc I saw is lovely, I really like him, he's known us for 13 years now and is very good at remembering details etc., about us. Anyway, I'm glad that I saw him, because the news wasn't great. I'm being sent for a precautionary ECG on Thursday, because of some palpitations I've been having. He's pretty sure that it's related to my anxiety but he wants to make sure. At the same time, oh joy, I have to have blood tests (thyroid plus others) because (and this is really upsetting) despite my dieting and despite the exercise I've actually put on weight. Am really down about this. Especially after the exertions of last week, when I know (looser clothes) that I lost some weight. I've had the thyroid tests before, and it's always been negative, so I don't expect anything different this time. But I guess it has to be ruled out. I have to go back to see Dr R in a month or so to discuss the results etc.

So after that it was off to physio, where I was able to ask about the whole situation with my knee (which has, unsurprisingly, been very very painful after last week). I also told him about the whole weight thing, and he mentioned thyroid as well. He has also given me some new exercises to do. The old ones were easy, and didn't seem to be doing anything, so he has suggested working different muscles. I can say that when he had me try them out there, I could definitely feel the effects...so that's good. Now for the bad: apart from a short (20 min) cycle ride every day (if I can manage it), I am not allowed to do anything else. Which, frustratingly, rules me out of doing the Race for Life this Sunday. Funnily enough, given that I can hardly walk the 1/3 mile to the docs without keeling over from pain, he feels that walking 5k (and in the predicted heat as well) would be a bad idea. I am annoyed, frustrated but (guiltily) also slightly relieved. I had been very concerned about my ability to complete the 5k, and was really worrying that I'd do more damage. He concurred. I am also under instruction to use my stick. I've been trying to manage without it, not wanting to get dependent, but have been told not to be so daft, and that I must use it. If anyone has sponsored me, and wants the money back, please let me know. I truly understand. I'd also like to apologise to the Marshall's and to Cancer Research for letting them down.

So that's me now. About to get back on the dissertation train, hoping that I can work through the heat (which is melting me), and get as much done as possible before A breaks up for the summer holidays a week tomorrow!! Emotionally, mentally, I'm struggling but keeping going. Lots of emotions churning around, and a lot of bad feeling inside. I'm hoping that the dissertation will help to distract me, and get me through this. In the meantime, just venting out here has, as usual, helped. So I'm off to see if I can cool down before bed..... :)

Terry Pratchett Rules........................

The title of this post will be explained later :)

When I try to think of how to sum up the gaps between my posts, more and more I'm finding that although I've had a mixed week, this is becoming the norm.....a week of crappy days, mixed with less-crappy days....I guess it's good that there's some kind of 'normality'...just wish it was bit less of an up and down normality. I can't actually remember the last time I posted. Last week sometime I guess. I suppose I should check... *short pause, tinkly music playing* Right, I'm back. It was last Monday....ooooo lots has happened since then.... Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin (and a prize to the first person who can identify where that phrase is from)

Tuesday was a good day, spent catching up with my friend K who has seen me go through a lot. We have a great friendship and I'm lucky to know her. She's also 9 months pregnant, due any day...needless to say I am super excited and can't wait to get the text to say that baby has arrived and I can go and have snuggly cuddles. It was great to see her again, and to have a good catch up. I'm planning to take advantage of her being on maternity leave, and spend as much time with her as I can. Lucky K ;)

Thursday was, um, interesting. I noticed that there was something weird about Billy-cat's left front paw, and a closer look made me realise that he had, somehow, managed to step in some paint. I tried to get it off with baby wipes, which didn't work. So off we went to the vets, Billy most put out by being tricked into the carrier with the promise of treats, and deeply unhappy at being carried in a box. The vets were great, they tried to remove it, but no success. They told me that he'd probably have to be sedated, and quoted me over £100.... *gulp*... When they realised it was unaffordable, they tried very hard to get the paint off without sedation, but Billy was having none of it. So they (somehow) made the charge £45, Billy was sedated, and the paint (and his fur) removed.... His paw now resembles a, well I don't actually know what it resembles.....any thoughts?

Billy, after some fussing from A, soon forgave me, and is back to his normal self. I hope he's learnt his lesson though. Really don't want to go through that again.

A has been doing well at school recently. He loves to cook, I have no idea where he gets that from (his dad probably), and Thursday was the day he cooked at school. So I had the pleasure of a lovely macaroni cheese - it was delicious. Probably the nicest macaroni cheese I've had. Here's a picture (because I can)

So proud of him, and it's lovely to see his enthusiasm for, and pride in, his cooking. Makes me smile and he really deserves the praise he gets. It proves that he can work, and that positive reinforcement works well for him. I love seeing the happiness in his face when he realises that he has made something good, which people like.

One reason I haven't blogged for a while is that the weekend was tricky, and yet for some reason I didn't want to blog and preserve it in black and white forever. Now, I can't remember the specifics, and although I know it was tough, I also know that I got through it. I guess I don't want to be constantly moaning about crappy days, detailing them all and being a moaning minnie. It's not helpful to me and I don't see why you guys should put up with it. I have bad days. They're horrible whilst they're happening. But they do pass, and certain things help....which brings me to the title of this post.

I've recently been re-reading Terry Pratchett's Discworld series and I'm loving it. I'd forgotten how amazing these books are, how they draw you in and take you away, make you laugh, make you chuckle in recognition as he skewers the world, particularly it more pompous citizens. Every book I read I am finding several paragraphs which make me go "yes", and giggle a lot. He has a talent for getting to the point, and making it funny. I'm reading them at night, and this has turned out to be an inspired decision. For some time now I've been having some bad dreams, waking nightmares, and insomnia - all of which have made me not want to go to bed. Since I've been reading the books I've been more keen to go, get into bed and read. Not only have they taken my mind off my fears, the dreams have lessened. Insomnia is still a problem, but I have that in cycles anyway, and there's not much I can do, worrying just makes it worse. At least I have something good to read when I can't sleep :)

I've also managed to make good progress with my dissertation. It's been hard going, very tiring staring at a screen, but I'm getting there. I'm finding my enthusiasm is coming back, and my confidence in what I'm writing is back as well. Which is a relief. I can't wait until my new desk arrives though, it's not easy (or comfy) writing whilst sitting on the sofa....Mum is coming down next week to help me tackle the jungle that is my garden, and is bringing a desk down for me... am so grateful... She's also going to be here to accompany me to my tribunal meeting for my ESA removal. It's a coincidence that the date they gave me is when she's here, but a fantastic one nonetheless. I'm so relieved. Not looking forward to it, but with mum here it will be much easier. Finally, thanks to some amazing friends, it looks as though I will be able to go the the second Annual Jack Marshall Brain Tumour Fund Ball in September. I'd thought I wouldn't be able to go (for various reasons), but now I can and I'm so pleased. It's on the 21st September, so it will be the perfect treat to celebrate completing my dissertation. I can't wait to see everyone again, and to stay at J's house (and see her lovely family again). Thanks to C for the lift as well..... Jack is still a huge part of my life, and to have missed out on this would have been hard. He is still my inspiration, and hero, and I'll never forget him. Raising funds and awareness is important to me....

Speaking of which: I am doing the Race for Life in a few weeks, and would be grateful for any sponsorship people can give. I'll share the details on my FB, or you can contact me via this blog if you'd prefer...

Right, it's Discworld time......

Turbulence

It's been a while since I last blogged and that is down to the fact that I am a complete muppeT sometimes...well, okay, quite a lot of the time really. In this particular instance however, I achieved PhD levels of stupidity, and managed to screw up several days as well...yay me... So, what did I do? Well I panicked, over-reacted, didn't investigate properly when my laptop began to have charging problems. I just assumed that there was a problem with the charger, or the battery or even the laptop itself. I did check the cables and plugs, but didn't see a problem, and when it just started charging again, I thought that there was clearly a problem with the laptop. Long story, short: I arranged for it to be picked up and resigned myself to a week without a laptop. Then, on Saturday, I came to charge my phone, only to realise that it wasn't charging either. At that point I went over to the wall socket, and low and behold, the plug was hanging out... I have no idea why it had been working on and off, and no idea how it came out (although my working hypothesis is to blame the cats who knocked a whole pile of books onto the cable which could have yanked it out). I am recognising my idiocy in not checking the plug more carefully, but I am also so relieved that I don't have to send my laptop away. Anyway, the embarrassment is lingering. Which is nice.

All the stress, and worry over the laptop had to go somewhere, and sadly it seems to have transformed into a lot of anger, frustration, and sadness. I have tried really hard over the weekend to be nice to myself, to take it easy, and not force things. I hoped that this would mean that the bad feelings lessened, and that I would be able to pick up my dissertation again today with a fresh state of mind. Yeah, it didn't work out like that. Right now, I am a bundle of turbulent emotion. Depending on the trigger I could easily cry, or lash out in anger, or just lose it completely. To make things even more tricky, I have A this week. So I can't take myself off to bed, and it is likely that I will have to deal with some tricky moments, without exploding. Normally, when I feel like this, I withdraw from people; but I can't withdraw from A, and I don't really want to. He's my son, and I love him. He doesn't deserve to suffer because of my illness. But the consequence of this is that I end up bottling things up and taking more stress on board than is helpful.

I really intended to crack on with my dissertation today, but for whatever reason, whether it's the emotions, or the fact that my 'flow' was disrupted by the issues last week, I found it almost impossible to do any work. I made myself carry on, and I have written 300 words. I'm pretending to be happy about it, but really I feel like a failure. I joke about being distracted by the tennis, but really I was so focused on trying to squeeze the words out that the TV may as well have been switched off. It didn't help that I seem to have forgotten some (rather important) information, which meant that I had to dig it out and read it again. Failures like that frustrate me, and I do get angry with myself. Which I guess doesn't help.

My mood wasn't helped by the fact that I was on the receiving end of some (relatively harmless but nonetheless unpleasant) comments on Twitter. I had no idea about these until I went on today, and just happened to check my 'interactions' as they're called. I'd made a rather innocuous jokey comment and someone had retweeted it, and all of a sudden total strangers are calling me names, making it clear that they had read my brief 'bio', and tailoring the insults to that...being called a retarded (I hate that word) c*nt (hate that word too) was a bit of a shock, and I know that I shouldn't care what people I don't even know think of me but, ow, it hurt! It really did. Especially as several of them were going back and forth in 'conversation' about how awful I am. It felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and I really wish I hadn't seen those tweets. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get rid of those insults, they keep going round my head, and I can't stop feeling crap. I see stuff on FB and Twitter which I don't like, it happens all the time, but I wouldn't go after the person, especially if I didn't know them. I can't understand why people do that.

I really just want to go up, get into bed, and be able to read/snuggle with the cats/listen to some music, and hopefully fall asleep earlier than I did last night. However, as I have A, this is not possible. For whatever reason my ability to cope with this is very limited. I am really hoping that the evening is peaceful, so that we can both get a decent night's sleep and wake up refreshed tomorrow morning. I have to believe that tomorrow will be better.

I have nice plans for tomorrow: I'm seeing K, my friend who has been through so much with me. I haven't seen her for a while, as she is working now. But she is on maternity leave (squeal, so excited for baby cuddles), and so we are meeting up tomorrow. I cannot wait. It has been way too long and the feeling of excitement is (thankfully) breaking through the grimness of my other emotions. I'm taking tomorrow away from the dissertation. Today was such a disaster and I'm meeting K for lunch, so I've decided to dedicate tomorrow to getting 'tasks' done - posting things, going to the library, shopping and so on. It takes the pressure off, and hopefully means that by Wednesday I will be feeling much better and more capable. In theory, I should be able to crack on with the dissertation on Wednesday and make lots of lovely progress. Fingers crossed anyway.

So that's me, at the moment... Not doing brilliantly, but still fighting. When I post this, I'm going to have a chat with A, see what he feels like doing, and try to make the most of the rest of today. Hopefully I'll be able to relax and let some of this stress and anger go. I don't like having it, and it will leave eventually. In the meantime, Molly cat is snoring, which has at least made me chuckle a little bit... that and the rather awesome cartoon of myself which I made earlier (yeah, I was trying everything to make myself feel better). I was going to upload it for you all to see but Blogger is being a pain and won't let me upload any pictures...ah well.. next time, I promise.................

Gloomy, with a brighter outlook

This has been a tricky week. For various reasons I have spent much of it fighting a desire to hide. I'm pleased to say that, hard as it was, I did manage to function, carry on, and to get things done. Yay for that. 

I can't say too much about what triggered the major anxiety of this week; it's not my story to tell, I was only involved tangentially, and I don't want to break a confidence. Suffice it to say that there was a falling out between people I care about. I am not good with conflict at the best of times, but when it involves people who I value in my life very much, it is twice as hard to cope with. It brought it home to me, just how much I rely on my friends; sharing my fears and getting advice, not to mention the lighter stuff and the day to day caring. Seeing the evidence after it had all happened, actually triggered a panic attack in me. And just saying that now, I still feel guilty. Because it wasn't about me. I wasn't involved at all. But it had that impact on me, and it has lasted all week. 

Part of it was just the deep dislike, almost phobia, which I have about conflict. I can argue/discuss with people I don't know, online, without any problems. As soon as I know them, then I find it harder to do this. [side note: this is why I join groups on FB to discuss political/social/cultural issues - I can argue and get it all out, without caring/worrying if I've upset someone I care about, very liberating.] When it involves friends then I literally panic: my heart races, I shake, and feel sick, and I get tearful. I have been like this for years, but it is getting worse. It's worse if I'm not involved, if I'm just observing. Because then I feel the upset for both sides, and I want to make it better but I'm scared of making it worse. So I stay out of it. And then feel guilty for doing so. It is a huge mess. But it is nothing compared to those who went through it for real, and I'm still hurting for them now. So I end up in a state, going round and round, guilt and upset taking turns to kick me in the stomach.... 

However a bigger part of it was the upheaval which resulted; as I've said before I'm not good with change, and change which results from a situation like this is doubly difficult. Not to mention that I feel guilty for even being upset about it, because, well, why should I be upset? Except that I can't control it. Anyone who thinks that I choose to feel like this is off their rocker. It is horrible. I can't sleep, relax or enjoy myself for too long, before the feeling of sadness and guilt overwhelms me again. Even writing this I feel like I'm putting myself in the middle of it, making it about me, but really that's not my intention. I promise. I'm just trying to explain why and how this week has been hard. And believe me, I wish I wasn't affected this way. Life would be easier for sure. 

I made myself go out on Tuesday, after waking up to the above. It was the right decision. It stopped me from dwelling on things, and as many of you know, the library is a haven for me. Browsing the shelves, discovering some new books, and old favourites, was just what I needed. When I got home, I was feeling better and more able to push the bad feelings away and soldier on. Wednesday I had my physio appointment. I was feeling a little apprehensive because I was seeing a new physio, a man, and I had missed the first appointment (overslept during half term, oops). So of course I was pleasantly surprised. He was lovely. He listened to me, and he was the first one, of all the medical people I've seen, to ask me to walk so he could watch my knee as I did so. Which turned out to be one of the best things he could have done. He also took on board what I said about how having a stick to lean on had helped when we went round the museum a couple of weeks ago. The upshot of all this is that a) I have been stiffening up my knee when I walk, rather than bending it, and this is the cause of some of my discomfort, and b) the stick, used properly, will help to support my knee during periods when the Osgood-Schlatters flares up (oh yeah, he confirmed that I still have that, and that it is bad at the moment.) Since then I have walked several times; I am walking faster and bending my knee and although I'm still having pain, it is nowhere near as bad as it was and I feel better. Which is brilliant. And has been a bright spark for this week. Fingers crossed that the stick, combined with the adjusted walking style and the exercises, will help. He said it will be a long term thing but I am okay with that now. 

I have also finished the research for my dissertation. I had planned to start the writing this week, but under the circumstances this wasn't possible. I will, all being well, start on Monday. In the meantime I plan to have a relax/take care of myself day tomorrow, and then I am taking A to Bognor Regis on the train on Sunday. It's on £10 return on the train, and I feel we both need to do something semi-spontaneous and fun like this. 

Speaking of A, it has been a mixed week. Let me say though, that overall I am so proud of him. He has had a problem with the bullies again, and he knows that he didn't help himself with his reaction. However, he has taken his punishment without (much) argument. He has also had exams, which he hates (funny that), but which seem to have gone well. I'm proud of him for showing a good attitude, and making a big effort in them. He didn't want to go in, but he did. A year ago, he wouldn't have done. He has come a long way. He has also dealt with some issues outside of school, including an adult, the parent of one of his friends, texting him and telling him to stay away from them. To say I was unhappy about this is an understatement. I thought it was completely out of order that he was so aggressive with A, and that he refused to speak to me about it, he actually said that he wouldn't talk to me because it was A that he "had a problem with". Sigh. After having him (A) ring me, very upset, I am now hoping that A's calm repeat texting of my phone number and a request for the parent to ring me, will have sunk in. I await any call with interest (and some nerves). The other thing which I am proud of A about is kinda petty, but demo's the extent to which things can escalate. Short version: A left a prized hat (had been a gift) at his friends house. He asked his friend to return it, friend refused. A went to the house and asked his friend's mum to please give it back. She refused. Today, I happened to be on the phone with A, when said friend turned up outside A's dad's flat. I stayed on the phone, whilst A went to talk to them. Although I am sure that his behaviour was partially influenced by the fact that I could hear him, I was still pleased at how calmly he handled it. The other kids were abusive to him, but he stayed calm. When they realised that I was on the phone, they backed down. A has his hat back. Petty, maybe. But he handled it well, and again, a year ago it would likely have escalated. 

So as I said in the title, it has been a gloomy week but there are bright spots and a brighter outlook. I'm still waiting to hear from Talking Change, and I know I desperately need them. I cannot cope with all my fears and feelings on my own. Even this blog can't help all the time. There are things which I cannot divulge here; they impact on people elsewhere and I cannot do that to them. I am considering doing a sort of biographical post, but it wouldn't be complete because one of the main causes/issues is something which I can't talk about here. I can with a counselor, someone who doesn't know the involved parties, and obviously some people do know. But I know you'll understand when I say that this is public, in years to come anyone could see it, and I can't risk that. I wish it wasn't so. Right now I am holding together, but only just. I am a mass of fears, I am scared of losing people I care about, I am scared of upsetting people I care about, I am scared that I will never be better, and most of all I am scared that I am damaging A, no matter how much effort I put in to making things okay for him, and to not letting my feelings affect him. In the brief time since my counselling ended, I have drifted downwards again. I know it. People around me know it. I can only hope that TC come through sooner rather than later. I am not suicidal (I want to emphasise that, nothing would induce me to leave A), but I am sliding into the whole 'hide under the duvet' phase again. I am trying my best, and not giving in without a fight but it's hard. 

I am (as I've said before) so very grateful for all the support. Thank you so much. I hold onto it at times when things seem bad, and it helps to get me through. A kind word is worth so much. Never forget that :) 

Roller-coaster ride

It's a Sunday evening, a really lovely Sunday evening - the sun has just set, but the birds are singing and with the window open it's really rather pleasant sitting here on the sofa. The cats are curled up, sleeping, and it's nice and peaceful. Today has been a fairly good day. I've managed to get a decent amount of work done, and I feel as though I have achieved something. Which is nice. Frustratingly, however, inside I'm still feeling very low and anxious. I hate feeling like this, it's very annoying. I have been making a real effort to recognise at least 3 good things which happen to me each day, and have pretty much succeeded. However it hasn't stopped this inner feeling of sadness, anxiety, frustration and depression. I feel cheated a bit, like I'm doing my bit, I'm making the effort to notice these things and to focus on the good things, but my 'inner-self' is having nothing to do with it, and just keeps on trucking down the ol' depression road. Gah....

Part of the problem, I think, is that once again I have an appeal against a DWP decision hanging over me, and once again it feels as though I'm falling down the rabbit hole as far as the 'logic' applied by the DWP. For those of you who don't know here's a brief recap: I was on ESA, and as a result had to have a 'medical assessment' by the lovely ATOS. I wasn't keen on this, but it's a requirement so had accepted that it had to be done. In February I received a letter claiming that I'd not attended the medical, however I had not received any notice of the appointment. I wrote to them, explaining this, and advising that due to the way my road is laid out, sometimes the post will go astray. I asked them to contact me another way. I heard nothing until March when another letter arrived claiming that yet again I'd missed my medical. So again, I wrote to them, pointing out that I'd asked them to contact me another way. I also forced myself to ring them and chase it up. Shortly thereafter they stopped my ESA, claiming that as I'd missed the medical, I wasn't entitled to it. I appealed, once again explaining everything that happened. 10 days ago I received a denial of that appeal, written in a very patronising manner and (brilliantly) sent recorded delivery (something that wasn't done with my appeal documents when they stopped my JSA)...hmmm, do you think they registered that there's a problem with my post? Well you'd think so, but according to them, it's my fault...apparently I should be doing more to get my post - although what I could do, short of rugby tackling the postman, I have no idea. A lot of my post goes missing, official letters, party invites, letters from friends, bills, you name it, it has gone missing. I have complained to the post office, but they deny there is a problem. Anyway, I have decided to go for a tribunal (again) but I'm so stressed and anxious about it. I feel helpless, I feel as though I won't win, and I feel as though I'm being dumped on from a great height. Why is it my fault when I asked them to use another means to contact me? Why do they get to 'blame' me when they never made any attempt to contact me by phone or email? It is so unfair the way things are stacked against individuals in these situations. It makes me cry sometimes, and I hate that. I hate being weak. Ugh.

Anyway, this week I was supposed to go to my first group session for anxiety related issues. I never made it due to roadworks delaying me. Yesterday I received a phone call from the lady who leads the group, she is lovely. Anyway, the upshot is that I can't be part of the group anymore, would have to wait for a new one to start - which is fair enough. However, after some discussion she stated that she thought I needed more one on one help, and she has arranged to put me back on the list for counselling. Whilst this is good news, it is also frustrating because, if you remember, back when I was having counselling I begged for more sessions, but was denied. The fact is that the counselling has brought up some old issues but due to my 'allowance of sessions' running out, I hadn't been able to deal with them properly. As a result flashbacks, memories and old feelings are having a huge impact on me at the moment. My dreams are ridiculously upsetting and even during the day, things I thought I had dealt with are coming back to me. I said this to her, and she agreed that I needed help to work through them. I know that this will be very hard and painful. As nice as it is to discuss things and to work things through, the initial impact is very difficult and often I feel worse for a few days afterwards. So whilst I desperately want and need this counselling, and am hopeful that it's available sooner rather than later, I am also scared.

As I said earlier, I'm trying very hard to recognise the good things in my life. That's not to say that I didn't recognise them before, more that I'm trying to put more emphasis on them - to really remember them, dwell on them, to make them the things I think about, rather than all my fears and concerns. It is working. I am finding that I have more blessings than I realised. Whether it's just having some time, sitting with the cats and reading, or having a day out with A, or having a funny, loving online chat with my friends, good things happen and I need to focus on them, not on stressy things.

Speaking of friends, I have realised today that sometimes I'm not being a good friend; I'm allowing my fears to paralyse me and that is stopping me from being there for people. I'm so convinced that I'm useless, that I bore people, that people won't want to see me, that I lack the courage to say "hey, let's meet up" when I want to. A lot of my friends will be nodding in agreement when I say that they  often have to be the pro-active one in setting meetings up. And it's not because I don't want to see them, or spend time with them....it's because I'm so scared and useless at making that move. I never used to be like this. Now I've recognised it I am going to make more effort to overcome it. It's just another way in which this horrible anxiety and depression has affected me. But I will win eventually. It just takes time.

I love my friends. Whether I've met you or not, so many of you have been amazingly supportive of me. I am so incredibly lucky, and I do know that. Thank you.

So that's me at the moment; still a mess inside, but still keeping going. I can't do it without you all. And even when I don't say it, I still do appreciate the love and support, more than you'll ever know.

A wonderful weekend

Well we're back from a lovely few days away with my parents in Birmingham. It was just what we both needed; a change of scenery, some back up (for me), some quality time with family (both of us), and a chance to relax (both of us).... It was good to take advantage of A having half-term (plus an extra day off for teacher training) and go up for a long weekend.... The journey is about 3 and a half hours on the train, and although it's not too bad, it is tiring. So having a full 3 days there (instead of 1) was great.

Friday was spent at the Black Country Living Museum which was just brilliant. My inner historian loved being able to see 19th century England in 'action'. The canal ride through the old mines was fascinating, if a bit scary at times, and because I borrowed one of my dad's walking sticks I was able to walk around for far longer than normally would. A loved it as well, especially riding on the old bus and tram. The weather was fantastic and for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable being out in public. For most of the time anyway.

Saturday we went over to my Aunt and Uncle's, picking my Nanna up on the way. I always love seeing them, and it was nice to have a catch up, and to relax in their posh new conservatory - not to mention that my Uncle is an awesome cook.... *drools*.... A enjoys cooking as well, and he had a great time helping prepare the lunch. I even managed to learn how to identify the birds which were fighting and feeding in their garden...well I say I learnt, more I just listened and promptly forgot...nature is not my strong point ;)

The rest of the time was spent just chilling out at the house, with A helping my mum out in the garden... He really seemed to enjoy himself and it was so nice to be able to relax and know that he was ok, not getting into trouble and that someone else was there to help me out with him. We both came back feeling refreshed, although the journey home was a teeny bit stressful (what with nearly missing the train to Portsmouth).... Having said that, it was nice to get home and the cats were pleased to see us - mind you they may just have thought that we were there to feed them on demand....

Actually last night reminded me of just why I love my kitties so much, and why they are so good for me. Purdy-cat had clearly missed me, and she just couldn't stop coming and head-butting me, wanting fussing and wanting to be with me. It's a comfort - however silly that may sound. Having her curled up, purring, with me is so relaxing and cheering. I do miss the cats when we go away.

I'm not feeling terribly inspired today, I was hoping to be writing about my first anxiety group meeting, but unfortunately I missed it. I set out to get there, only to find that roadworks on one of the main routes into the city centre meant that I wasn't going to be able to get there in time. Sigh. Although I was dreading going, it was worse to get all psyched up and then not be able to go. So the rest of the day has been a bit flat. I'm feeling low, but not horrendously so. More blah than anything else; I can't even get worked up over the ridiculous letter the DWP sent me declining my appeal of the decision to stop my ESA. I will write about that, because I need all the advice and help I can get. But not today. Hopefully tomorrow I will get more done, and will feel better.... Then I can pour out a nice long (entertaining) rant about the whole ESA mess... I bet you can't wait ;)

I'm off to fuss the kitties and watch telly...sometimes it's all a girl can do :)