So it's been a month since I last blogged...sorry for the gap, but I've been so busy writing my dissertation that I've not really felt much like writing anything else. I've also been away some of the time, not to mention that things have been on a fairly even keel so I've not felt the need to vent...but anyway, I thought it was time for an update...so here it is
The dissertation is now FINISHED... It was sent to the binders today, and I should received two copies by Monday so that I can hand it in. It's not due in until the 30th but I've written and rewritten until I was seeing double, so I figured it was time to just cut my losses and go for it. I do feel a bit relieved but I also feel terrified and slightly sick - it's just kinda final sending it off to be printed etc., and although I know that it's the best I could make it, I'm still freaking out...mind you, that's just me I guess. I'm hoping that I'll get a decent mark, but it's out of my hands now, and so I'll just have to try not to worry about it....hmmm
At least I can now relax and enjoy the next few weeks....I can actually get back to reading for pleasure, and I have hours of tv to catch up on...the best bit is that Jack is coming to spend some time here, before I go to stay with him. I can't wait. We're heading up to Scunthorpe at the weekend to attend the second annual Jack Marshall Ball, and I'm really excited. Not only do I get to see Jack's Army again, but I get to spend bonus time with my Jack (how else to distinguish him, and avoid confusion, lol)... I tried my dress on again yesterday and (thankfully) it still fits.... It should be a great weekend, and it will be very special to share it with my lovely boyfriend.
Before then we're catching up with other friends, which will be brilliant, and tonight we're taking A out for dinner at the local Toby Carvery. Frankly it will be so nice to just be able to relax, and to spend time with Jack and A. I'm beginning to relax a bit now. I was still very keyed up earlier, and I still feel a bit tense but it's passing gradually. I can't quite believe that two years of very hard work has come to an end....it feels weird. But it is nice to know that I can head off for some time in Devon, without having the dissertation hanging over me. I can relax, walk the dogs, spend time with friends, and just chill out ... ahh bliss.....
Things with A have been okay....there have been a few issues which are resolved now, and his MABS worker, Sarah, is back at work and meeting with him again, which is definitely helping. He is also still seeing Bernard (the MABS worker at school) which is good - I wasn't sure whether he would be able to do so, and it was nice to hear that (for now) it will continue. A likes Jack, which helps a lot I think, and now that his dad has moved in with his girlfriend, I think A feels more settled - he's back to have 2 homes instead of 3... Mind you I was reminded that A is definitely a teenager when I had to yell at him to turn his music down yesterday....lol.... It wasn't that I disliked his music, more that the walls were shaking and I couldn't concentrate....I'm not sure whether A likes the fact that his mum likes the music he listens to, but there you go. At least I didn't go up and dance to it, as Jack suggested... ;)
Now I've got my ESA back I'm feeling more settled financially.. I don't have any more money but at least it is resolved. At the moment I'm signed off until November, and although I am feeling better, I'm still conscious of being a bit fragile - for example the anxiety was really acute on Sunday and Monday this week...I know why, the dissertation, but it was still hard to deal with... I will see the doctor in November and I'm hopeful that I will get until January before I have to start looking for a job.. I'm also still going to apply for the Phd., even though I have no idea how I'll pay for it. I may as well apply, there's no harm in that. It keeps my options open and I still really want to do it. Winning the lottery would be awesome but I guess I actually have to play it first, lol.
So things are good at the moment. Most of the time I'm fine, although when the anxiety does hit it's pretty bad. I am using the strategies I was given by the CBT counselor, and it does help. Listening to music has also helped an awful lot. And I'm reading the Game of Thrones books, which definitely help - I can totally lose myself in them. I'm hoping that now the dissertation is in, I will be able to relax better, and that the anxiety will lessen. Interestingly I'm heading to several gigs in the next few months, something I wasn't sure I'd be able to do again, however Jack will be going as well, and has promised to look after me.... I'm trying to find the old me again, the old confidence. I'm pleased to say that so far it's not proving to be too difficult... I even went belly-dancing with Jack's mum when I went up there the other week. Yes, me, belly-dancing...it was a great laugh, and I'd definitely do it again. Even if my coordination was appalling and my ability to multi-task deserted me. I think that some of the intensity of the anxiety may be a reaction to trying new things, and pushing myself, but I think it's worth it. It's either that, or just do nothing and I don't want to vegetate, I want to live normally as I used to. I'm getting there. Slowly.
I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has supported me over the last few years and months, to old friends and to new. I think I'm very lucky, I have made some fantastic friends over the years, some of whom I've never met but who support me nonetheless. At times it's been my friends and family who have carried me through. It's not just the MA, or the dissertation, or A, or even my illness, it's everything...and I'm more grateful than you'll even know. Between my friends, my family, and Jack, I'm supported, loved and cared for, and it's a great feeling. It's hard for me to put into words how I've been feeling these last few weeks and months, I'm not used to feeling this happy. But as my Nan said when I spoke to her earlier, after all the bad stuff, it's nice to relax into the good stuff...and I'm trying to relax, I really am. I do still struggle, my self-esteem is crap (despite Jack's best efforts - and not because I don't believe him either), and as I've said the anxiety has been bad, but through it all, I've been kept going by you all...even if it was just a word on my FB status, or a text, or a smile...whatever, thank you for it...
