It's cold....really really cold.....well it is in my house anyway, mainly because I can't afford to have the heating on....so I'm spending most days wearing 3 pairs of socks, fleecy slippers, thick trousers, hoodie and snuggling under two blankets and as many cats as I can persuade to sit on me.....I've even become more enthusiastic about housework - well at least it warms me up.... It's very frustrating to have to make decisions about whether to turn the heating up, or accept that it will push my bills over the point of affordability....when A is here there is no question, and the heating goes on...so I have two weeks of relative warmth and two of freezing my appendages off.... Mind you, it really makes me think about those who are homeless and on the streets...I just cannot comprehend what it must be like for them, I'm in a house, with thick walls, which clearly keeps the worst of the cold out - and I have warm clothing and blankets/duvets.... For all the issues with paying the bills, I have to keep reminding myself that really I'm ok...
Things have been a lot better this week...I hesitate to say that I've turned a corner because a) it's too soon for that and b) I don't want to jinx it. However, I can definitely say that I've been a lot more positive this week, and have managed to get back to Uni work which is such a huge relief to me. I was so concerned that I'd lost that, something which is really important to me, and that I'd be a failure. Ok, I haven't written anything but I've wanted to do the more boring parts of the dissertation - that is printing out the hundreds of documents I need to review...It may not sound like much but trust me, this is big progress. For me, the MA is almost a yardstick for my personal state. It's something which is solely mine, and it is important. I've come to realise that how I'm doing on the MA reflects how I feel generally. For me not to complete it would be devastating, and I know that sounds ridiculous, but somehow it's become linked to my own well-being and self belief...so if I fail at that, I feel scared that I'll have nothing left to be proud of. Again, I know that's ridiculous but feelings aren't always logical. I think it's because I've tried very hard to keep the MA 'separate' from the rest of my life, something which is mine...So when the rest of my life starts to affect my ability to do the MA, I feel twice as bad, a) for caring about it and b) for not being able to work at it. So yeah, it's been pretty messed up and the fact that I've been able to get back to working on it has been an enormous relief.
A has been ok recently, more a typical teenager than the previous out of control behaviour...although he is in a 'spoiling for a fight' mood at the moment, and isn't responding to my attempts to talk to him...I'm not responding, not giving him the 'nudge' into fighting but inside my stomach is churning and I can feel the panic building. He's calm at the moment, and I'm hoping that by letting him sit quietly whilst I write this (he can't see my screen), he will relax a bit and will be happy to go to bed when I do. We'll see. He's been at his dad's this weekend, meeting P's new girlfriend...P posted some videos of A and K dancing, which really made me giggle. It was kinda weird seeing A interacting with her (she seems nice from what little I could see), and I'll be honest and admit to a twinge of something when I saw that - but really, I'm pleased that he's ok with it (at least he says he is and seems to be)...and I'm pleased that he can be nice, and accepting as well... He's my son, and P's, and he always will be. I know that, and whenever the small spikes of worry regarding potential step-mothers strike, I am fairly good at reminding myself of that... Small mercies and all that....
My mum came down today....I have to go to the local magistrates court tomorrow to deal with the summons from the local council for my council tax...There's no way I could cope with that on my own so, thankfully, my lovely mum has upped and left my dad to listen to jazz on his own, and come to support me... I'm so grateful. I wish my dad could have come as well but he has to work so he gets to stay at home. It's great to see mum, and she is good at calming A down, taking the sting out of his grumpiness and allowing me to take a minute to calm down before exploding....
Something which has been on my mind a lot recently is how so many of us think we're alone, that we're the only ones who are thinking a thought, or feeling a certain way...but we're not.... In talking with friends online, I've realised that actually we're more than likely thinking the same things, and feeling the same way...and kicking ourselves for doing so. It sounds awful to say, but the relief of seeing someone else feeling the same way as I do is immense. I don't want people to go through what I'm going through, but at the same time to know I'm not the only one is comforting in some way. There are so many pressures on us, men and women, to be a certain way, to think certain things...we're told that 'real' men/women feel that way etc., except I bet they don't.... Mothers are especially vulnerable to this kind of mindset - we have all these 'perfect' mums who do everything brilliantly and never ever want to just run away and hide...yeah right.... Being a parent is tough, and whilst there are those to whom it comes naturally and who have no trouble with their kids, the reality is that we all go through bad times, and we all struggle.... I just wish that instead of pretending and feeding into the 'fake-perfect' we could let our guard down and be honest..... Since I've been talking to these friends, I've felt a lot better....yes, the counselling is helping, and yes I'm helping myself by taking little steps everyday, but the ability to admit that sometimes I want to just hide away, that I feel I can't cope, has helped enormously... Hearing others, those who I look up to and admire for their confidence etc. also admitting those things is helpful too....not because I want them to feel that way, but because knowing we're not alone can be such a boost...
I know that I vent on here, but I don't really think about people reading it, I mean I know they do, but it doesn't cross my mind in any conscious sense - I just vent....but talking online is different - it's a real time conversation and not being judged in that context is brilliant - again, no one I've talked to about this (amongst my friends) has judged me - but my stupid brain gets round that by telling me that they're just being nice...I know I know... stupid right? I can't explain it, and I'm not trying to say that my IRL friends aren't great because they so are.....I wouldn't manage without them....but sometimes thoughts can be stupid, and we have to trick ourselves into realising the reality, because we're too down on ourselves to do it any other way. I'm quite tired now, and I'm wondering how much sense I'm making...so I'll shut up in a bit...but before I do, I just want to say a big thank you to everyone, IRL and on FB, who has been there for me....sometimes without knowing it, you've helped me so much.... I'm truly grateful for all my friends....
Monday 25 February 2013
Wednesday 20 February 2013
ooooh bright, shiny new toy
I'm in rather a good mood today....which is nice.....making the most of it, and blogging so that you lovely lot can share in the joy - well you put up with me whinging and moaning, so you deserve to enjoy the smiles as well...... In all honesty, I have been up and down over the last few days, but the default position has been one of 'ok', happy, relatively relaxed as opposed to being stressed and down....and I LOVE THIS!!!!!!! It is sooooo nice to feel ok, and to return to feeling ok, after I've had a period of feeling sad.... I think part of this improvement is due to the fact that I've managed to catch up on some sleep, and so I do feel rested, and more able to cope. Having a decent amount of sleep means that I'm more able to bounce back from feeling bad...more to the point, the fact that it's half term means that I can relax even if I can't get to sleep straight away...all of this helps....
Another reason for my cheeriness is that I've got a new laptop; no more battery fails, no more keyboard fails, no more of a laptop which I'm sure has a mind of it's own..... I have a nice, shiny new Toshiba and so far, I'm loving it.... Windows 8 is not for everyone, but I like it.... I don't like using internet explorer - it has a habit of throwing a hissy fit if I scroll too far/too fast down a page, and crashes....but that's a minor fault and I can live with it. The only problem at the moment is that I can't do any work on my dissertation because I can't find the authorisation key/code for my copy of Office 2010 and the company I purchased it from haven't replied to my emails...arghhhhh....will have to get this sorted soon, because I need to get cracking on the next chapter....
Speaking of the dissertation, I've received the feedback from my supervisor - basic summary is that my intro and conclusion were great, as was the demonstration of my knowledge but I kinda failed to do what I said I'd done....which I think is rather spectacular actually.....way to go me....lol.... I have a tutorial next week, so I'm sure I will be able to re-write the chapter and do a better job of it... well that's the plan anyway.....
Plans for more research trip are coming along nicely, and I'm hoping to start getting back into it by visiting the local library and history centre next week when A is back at school. This week is half term, which is lovely in terms of not having to get him to school but does mean that (as he is grounded) I am dealing with a lot of "I'm boooooreeeeeddddd mum" ... oh yes, he is grounded...sadly...due to a little escapade on Sunday when, having been taken to Hayling Island (next to Portsmouth) by a friend's mum, he then had a row with that friend and decided to make his own way home......sigh..... Needless to say Sunday evening was, um, interesting...lots of phone calls between parents, and A's dad had to drag himself over to HI only to find A had already made it home...he scootered from HI to Portsmouth which must be a good 10 miles or so....see the map below:
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Personally I was stunned that he'd actually done this...but he really doesn't think twice about it...he has no doubts about his ability to withstand lots of physical exercise and I do feel that that is a good thing... I just wish he wouldn't do it when he's angry - it leads to such worry....
Because it's half term, I have no counselling appointment this week.....which is making me slightly anxious....I've got used to going already, and it will be weird not having that opportunity to talk things through with Adrian, but I'm pleased that this anxiety has not developed into a full blown panic, and that I still feel able to cope. Interestingly, I am finding that my dreams are focused on events from my childhood/teenage/young adult years, and I think that's because last week's session was so focused on that period - and because Adrian has made me realise that so much of what I'm feeling now, is not new - I've felt it before, and there are events from the past which have made me this way, or contributed to it.... I think before I'd just written off the incidents of anxiety in my childhood as being, well, due to me being a child - so it is helpful to look at them in this new light, and to see whether or not there is a pattern. I'm not going to go back and put everything down to some inherent tendency to anxiety, because that's a) not accurate and b) not helpful...but some of the more serious incidents may well be explained in that way, and doing so may help me to stop obsessing over them.... so we'll see...
Writing this blog is really helpful to me, but I'm aware that it can be a bit of a stream of consciousness, and probably a bit blah sometimes.....I read other blogs as well, and some of them are so well written....I feel a bit pressured, by myself that is, to make this more interesting, exciting or whatever..... but since I don't lead a very interesting life it's kinda hard to do that....without lying that is..... It's shocking to me the sheer number of people who lie on their blogs.....in the last few days I've read about two women who lied about having cancer in order to con people out of money and emotional energy..... I can't conceive of the mind behind this, the thinking which led them to say "I'm going to pretend to have a horrible illness just so I can make money and get sympathy"....seriously? I mean, yes my life isn't all that interesting and this blog could be more sparkly and fabulous, but lying to get that? Why? Cancer is just the most horrible illness - just last Friday it took the life of another beautiful child, Audrianna Bartol. Audri was only 6. Her mum's blog is here: http://audriannabartol.blogspot.co.uk/ and it is so heartbreaking to read....this women is going through this for real, and yet people are faking it for money? Ugh.....how utterly despicable....
One thing is clear, the internet just magnifies and emphasises the uglier traits within human nature....but it also does the same to the good parts.... I know this first hand, because within several of the FB groups I am a member of, there is such a high level of support and caring that it makes me feel safe... For all its faults, the internet does allow those who are kind and caring, to reach out and support people who otherwise they may never have 'met'.... Even the hoaxers are being called out and stopped (http://warriorelihoax.com/).... People who have a talent are able to showcase it, including my friend Charlotte, whose art work is just stunning - have a look at it here: http://www.charlottefarhanart.com/ and here: https://www.artgallery.co.uk/artist/charlotte_farhan_2 . I've made some amazing friends online and am really enjoying being able to share in their joys ... new babies, weddings, other achievements as well as being able to support them through the bad times - all of these are good things, which the internet enables....so every time I get angered my the sheer evil of some of those online, I remember all the good things.... including my opportunity to vent/share via this blog - something which (as I've said many times before) really helps me .. :)
Another reason for my cheeriness is that I've got a new laptop; no more battery fails, no more keyboard fails, no more of a laptop which I'm sure has a mind of it's own..... I have a nice, shiny new Toshiba and so far, I'm loving it.... Windows 8 is not for everyone, but I like it.... I don't like using internet explorer - it has a habit of throwing a hissy fit if I scroll too far/too fast down a page, and crashes....but that's a minor fault and I can live with it. The only problem at the moment is that I can't do any work on my dissertation because I can't find the authorisation key/code for my copy of Office 2010 and the company I purchased it from haven't replied to my emails...arghhhhh....will have to get this sorted soon, because I need to get cracking on the next chapter....
Speaking of the dissertation, I've received the feedback from my supervisor - basic summary is that my intro and conclusion were great, as was the demonstration of my knowledge but I kinda failed to do what I said I'd done....which I think is rather spectacular actually.....way to go me....lol.... I have a tutorial next week, so I'm sure I will be able to re-write the chapter and do a better job of it... well that's the plan anyway.....
Plans for more research trip are coming along nicely, and I'm hoping to start getting back into it by visiting the local library and history centre next week when A is back at school. This week is half term, which is lovely in terms of not having to get him to school but does mean that (as he is grounded) I am dealing with a lot of "I'm boooooreeeeeddddd mum" ... oh yes, he is grounded...sadly...due to a little escapade on Sunday when, having been taken to Hayling Island (next to Portsmouth) by a friend's mum, he then had a row with that friend and decided to make his own way home......sigh..... Needless to say Sunday evening was, um, interesting...lots of phone calls between parents, and A's dad had to drag himself over to HI only to find A had already made it home...he scootered from HI to Portsmouth which must be a good 10 miles or so....see the map below:
Personally I was stunned that he'd actually done this...but he really doesn't think twice about it...he has no doubts about his ability to withstand lots of physical exercise and I do feel that that is a good thing... I just wish he wouldn't do it when he's angry - it leads to such worry....
Because it's half term, I have no counselling appointment this week.....which is making me slightly anxious....I've got used to going already, and it will be weird not having that opportunity to talk things through with Adrian, but I'm pleased that this anxiety has not developed into a full blown panic, and that I still feel able to cope. Interestingly, I am finding that my dreams are focused on events from my childhood/teenage/young adult years, and I think that's because last week's session was so focused on that period - and because Adrian has made me realise that so much of what I'm feeling now, is not new - I've felt it before, and there are events from the past which have made me this way, or contributed to it.... I think before I'd just written off the incidents of anxiety in my childhood as being, well, due to me being a child - so it is helpful to look at them in this new light, and to see whether or not there is a pattern. I'm not going to go back and put everything down to some inherent tendency to anxiety, because that's a) not accurate and b) not helpful...but some of the more serious incidents may well be explained in that way, and doing so may help me to stop obsessing over them.... so we'll see...
Writing this blog is really helpful to me, but I'm aware that it can be a bit of a stream of consciousness, and probably a bit blah sometimes.....I read other blogs as well, and some of them are so well written....I feel a bit pressured, by myself that is, to make this more interesting, exciting or whatever..... but since I don't lead a very interesting life it's kinda hard to do that....without lying that is..... It's shocking to me the sheer number of people who lie on their blogs.....in the last few days I've read about two women who lied about having cancer in order to con people out of money and emotional energy..... I can't conceive of the mind behind this, the thinking which led them to say "I'm going to pretend to have a horrible illness just so I can make money and get sympathy"....seriously? I mean, yes my life isn't all that interesting and this blog could be more sparkly and fabulous, but lying to get that? Why? Cancer is just the most horrible illness - just last Friday it took the life of another beautiful child, Audrianna Bartol. Audri was only 6. Her mum's blog is here: http://audriannabartol.blogspot.co.uk/ and it is so heartbreaking to read....this women is going through this for real, and yet people are faking it for money? Ugh.....how utterly despicable....
One thing is clear, the internet just magnifies and emphasises the uglier traits within human nature....but it also does the same to the good parts.... I know this first hand, because within several of the FB groups I am a member of, there is such a high level of support and caring that it makes me feel safe... For all its faults, the internet does allow those who are kind and caring, to reach out and support people who otherwise they may never have 'met'.... Even the hoaxers are being called out and stopped (http://warriorelihoax.com/).... People who have a talent are able to showcase it, including my friend Charlotte, whose art work is just stunning - have a look at it here: http://www.charlottefarhanart.com/ and here: https://www.artgallery.co.uk/artist/charlotte_farhan_2 . I've made some amazing friends online and am really enjoying being able to share in their joys ... new babies, weddings, other achievements as well as being able to support them through the bad times - all of these are good things, which the internet enables....so every time I get angered my the sheer evil of some of those online, I remember all the good things.... including my opportunity to vent/share via this blog - something which (as I've said many times before) really helps me .. :)
Saturday 16 February 2013
Aaaaaannnnnnddddddd relax
I really meant to post before now, but somehow things just got in the way....so this is going to be a bit of a catch up post.... Once again, it's been a week full of ups and downs, and lots of emotional upheaval.... oh what I'd give for a quiet, simple life...ah well....
On Monday I discovered that A had, during the last week, appropriated my bank card from my purse, and put the details into his Google account - and had then purchased several different games and songs... Angry, frustrated, upset and sick - yes, that about sums up how I felt.... Several phone calls later, I'd had to cancel my bank card, and the vets appointment for Purdy and was feeling washed out. At least, when I asked him about it later, he admitted it straight away......it meant a lot to me that he did, because if he'd denied it then I'd have been faced with a long discussion (argument?) and it would have made things so much worse. In the end it turns out that he had spent over £30 which doesn't sound much but is a healthy chunk of the money we have to live on. As he has no way to pay it back, he will be doing jobs around the house until he has 'paid' back the money. So that was a great start to the week.
Wednesday saw me meeting with one of the aide's to my local MP, in order to discuss the whole DWP situation....I went in with some hope that they would be able to help me out but was quickly disabused of that idea.....essentially she didn't think there was much they could do. The DWP has spoken and that is it...but that makes no sense to me - I know that they've amended rules before and that different cases have led to new clauses being inserted into the rules etc., so surely there must be a way to challenge this. I'm going to speak to the CAB about it as well, but I'm feeling rather defeated to be honest. I know that there needs to be a certain amount of persistence to get anywhere with bureaucracies but it is just exhausting to think of how much I'll need to fight...and with no guarantee of success...
Thursday turned out to be a better day. I had my counselling session, and having gone in there feeling really tense and stressed out it was such a relief to let it out. Even on here there are things I can't discuss, things which are not just my business, which affect others, and sometimes I need to discuss those things.... It is interesting to realise just how far back the roots of this depression and anxiety go...I was telling him how I often have this feeling of being on the outside looking in, being left out, not one of the gang, and he asked me how long I'd felt that and without having to think, I replied that it was from when I was young - I remembered that when I was 4 I was on a visit from my nursery school to the infant school I was going to join, each of us were assigned to a child already at the school and the girl I was with told me that she wished I hadn't been put with her, that I was a drag, and that she'd have had more fun with someone else....I can still remember how horrible that made me feel and, given that it's not something I dwell on, it is interesting that it was the first thing I mentioned when he asked me. That feeling of always being left out, of being one step behind everyone else, not being one of the gang, is a recurring one. That's not to say that I always feel it, but it's there, lingering and I have to be very careful that I don't give into it...because that way total insanity lies. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I have to be able to accept not being liked by everyone without it totally wiping out my self esteem. I hate thinking that people don't like me, or that I've upset people...it makes me feel cold and sick, but I know that it's part of life and I have to deal with it. I'm hoping that the counselling will help me to do this.
I don't really have too much to say right now....normally the blog writing helps me but for some reason today it's not. I'm very tired, and have a lot of emotions going through me..... This is despite the fact that I had a lovely meal out with my aunt and uncle, and A, today followed by receiving some great news about a friend whose baby was born today..... these things have helped me, but I'm still a bit unsettled.... Hopefully I will be able to get a decent amount of sleep over the next week, and that will help... in the meantime, I'm going to try to relax and stop focusing on things so much.....
On Monday I discovered that A had, during the last week, appropriated my bank card from my purse, and put the details into his Google account - and had then purchased several different games and songs... Angry, frustrated, upset and sick - yes, that about sums up how I felt.... Several phone calls later, I'd had to cancel my bank card, and the vets appointment for Purdy and was feeling washed out. At least, when I asked him about it later, he admitted it straight away......it meant a lot to me that he did, because if he'd denied it then I'd have been faced with a long discussion (argument?) and it would have made things so much worse. In the end it turns out that he had spent over £30 which doesn't sound much but is a healthy chunk of the money we have to live on. As he has no way to pay it back, he will be doing jobs around the house until he has 'paid' back the money. So that was a great start to the week.
Wednesday saw me meeting with one of the aide's to my local MP, in order to discuss the whole DWP situation....I went in with some hope that they would be able to help me out but was quickly disabused of that idea.....essentially she didn't think there was much they could do. The DWP has spoken and that is it...but that makes no sense to me - I know that they've amended rules before and that different cases have led to new clauses being inserted into the rules etc., so surely there must be a way to challenge this. I'm going to speak to the CAB about it as well, but I'm feeling rather defeated to be honest. I know that there needs to be a certain amount of persistence to get anywhere with bureaucracies but it is just exhausting to think of how much I'll need to fight...and with no guarantee of success...
Thursday turned out to be a better day. I had my counselling session, and having gone in there feeling really tense and stressed out it was such a relief to let it out. Even on here there are things I can't discuss, things which are not just my business, which affect others, and sometimes I need to discuss those things.... It is interesting to realise just how far back the roots of this depression and anxiety go...I was telling him how I often have this feeling of being on the outside looking in, being left out, not one of the gang, and he asked me how long I'd felt that and without having to think, I replied that it was from when I was young - I remembered that when I was 4 I was on a visit from my nursery school to the infant school I was going to join, each of us were assigned to a child already at the school and the girl I was with told me that she wished I hadn't been put with her, that I was a drag, and that she'd have had more fun with someone else....I can still remember how horrible that made me feel and, given that it's not something I dwell on, it is interesting that it was the first thing I mentioned when he asked me. That feeling of always being left out, of being one step behind everyone else, not being one of the gang, is a recurring one. That's not to say that I always feel it, but it's there, lingering and I have to be very careful that I don't give into it...because that way total insanity lies. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I have to be able to accept not being liked by everyone without it totally wiping out my self esteem. I hate thinking that people don't like me, or that I've upset people...it makes me feel cold and sick, but I know that it's part of life and I have to deal with it. I'm hoping that the counselling will help me to do this.
I don't really have too much to say right now....normally the blog writing helps me but for some reason today it's not. I'm very tired, and have a lot of emotions going through me..... This is despite the fact that I had a lovely meal out with my aunt and uncle, and A, today followed by receiving some great news about a friend whose baby was born today..... these things have helped me, but I'm still a bit unsettled.... Hopefully I will be able to get a decent amount of sleep over the next week, and that will help... in the meantime, I'm going to try to relax and stop focusing on things so much.....
Friday 8 February 2013
It's been a long week
So here I am again....feeling ready to update you all on how things are..... As the title says, this week has been a long week, but I actually feel as though I've come through it ok, in that I don't feel as bad as I have at other times...and any progress is good....
Monday wasn't so good.... I'd stayed up very late to watch the Super Bowl, but had also given in to A's pleas to be allowed to stay at mine (I'd planned to ask P to have him for that night)...As a result on Monday morning I was totally exhausted and not able to cope with his refusal to go to school. I called his bluff, and it failed. I told him that if he didn't go in, I would email the school and make sure that they knew he was having an unauthorised absence. He didn't care, and he didn't go in. So I emailed. I also took his laptop privileges away from him - it may not sound like much of a punishment, but trust me he hates losing his precious time on the laptop. When he went back to school, they simply reprimanded him (well that's what he told me), which I was slightly disappointed about, but he knows that if he does it again, he will be in serious trouble. He went in ok for the rest of the week. In fact, his behaviour has been, for the most part, good this week. He's had a few moments of stroppiness and rudeness, but I'm beginning to realise that I'm so sensitised to his actions that even 'normal' teenage behaviour is freaking me out. Now I know this, I am finding that I can at least calm myself down, even if he is still stomping about.
I've also been advised that much of his behaviour, in terms of his sudden switches between independence and shadowing me, is age appropriate and normal. Sarah, the MABS worker, explained to me how teenage brains and toddler brains are very similar, in the way in which they are streamlining the neural pathways they need; thus a teenager can exhibit similar behaviour to a toddler - that is, checking that mum is still there, having some reassurance and then being happy to go and 'play' on their own. It seems weird to me, but it also makes sense....and it helps me to relax, because when he does get 'clingy', I do worry that there is something really wrong. It's been a great help having Sarah in our lives. She comes to see us every Friday and we just talk, about anything and everything....it's not counselling, more offloading, and she is very practical and straightforward - another person who is able to take some of the burden from me, and help me to cope. She never makes me feel like a failure, and I know that she is on 'our' side, here to help both of us. A loves to talk to her too, although he also gets to see her colleague Bernard, who has been a total star as far as A is concerned. I know that they are, together, helping us more than we really realise.
I also had my counselling appointment yesterday, and I actually came out of it feeling good. I don't know whether I noticed this because he had asked me to see if I could think of a positive words to describe how I felt at the end, but although it was still exhausting, I did feel more light, and clear at the end. He is very good at getting at the underlying issues - I will say that a certain thing makes me feel scared, or panicked, or sad...and he will question (gently) why....and that helps me - I like to know the why. An unidentifiable fear is harder to deal with than one you can specify and challenge. So when I say that I panic at, for example, being approached by charity collectors on the street, through his questioning I've realised that it's because a) I've had a bad experience before, so I expect it again and b) I'm actually resenting them for approaching me, when I just want to be left alone - and the resentment is because I know I'm going to say no to their request (charity or not, I don't give bank details to strangers), and I fear being judged.... yeah, totally mad I know but these are the thought processes of an anxious person....
That theme of bad experiences making me fearful now is something which is impacting me every day, although until he put it like that, I hadn't realised. It's really impacting on my MA work as well.. Which is scaring me, and upsetting me as well. The fact is that, until last June, my Uni life had gone pretty smoothly - yes there had been panics and problems, but nothing more than 'normal'... I had gained good grades, and had done as expected. Then, in the space of a few months, it all came crashing down...I went from smooth sailing, to not doing anything. I hadn't realised just how much this had freaked me out, and damaged my confidence. Now, I want to do my MA work, but it's an effort and that has scared me (it had never been an effort before) and I've begun to freak out about it, which just makes it worse. I'm scared to admit that there's a problem because I fear it will impact me in the future - it's really hard as it is to a) get onto the PhD, and b) get into academic work and I'm so scared that all this is going to mean that I get turned down....and that fear is almost paralysing me....it's a vicious circle. However, now I know what's going on, I'm hopeful that I can overcome the fear and get back on track.
I have had several severe panic attacks this week, however, which have left me drained and shaky. On Tuesday I tried to deal with the council regarding the summons for unpaid council tax...it didn't go too well, and I ended up panicking and freaking out. They refused to stop the summons, and also had no record of calls I had made before...so frustrating... However, my mum (totally fantastic) has come to my rescue again - she is coming down to be with me for the court date, I have also written to my MP about it (because owing the CT is due to the DWP taking away my JSA), and I have an appointment to see her assistant next Wednesday...so I did take control, with a lot of help, and although I felt physically awful, I managed to go, with A, for a walk which did help.... Today, I had another one, when I received a letter from Atos (who deal with medical claims for ESA) asking why I hadn't attended a medical check up - well I hadn't known about it... I completed the form (advising them that I hadn't attended because they hadn't told me about it) and sent it off - but I'm worried because I don't know if they will stop the ESA for this.... Added to that, my Purdy-cat has been having some real problems - she is toileting in the house, including in a basket of clean laudry...today, she was meowing and so distressed, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong, she was pacing and scraping the floor...I figured it out, and turned round to see her, well, you can guess...and then she was fine, curled up and went to sleep..but it was so hard to see her distressed, she obviously wanted to find somewhere suitable and held on as long as she could, but in the end she had to give in. Because all the cats have been trained to use the garden, we don't have a litter tray (if we had one, they'd all use it, which is why I've held back on that option)... Anyway, she has an appointment at the vets on Monday, to rule out a medical reason...... I love my Purdy-girl, she is so much my kitty, and I'm scared that there's something really wrong with her.....
The thing is that having a panic attack isn't always like it is on the TV - I don't always gasp, or wheeze - often you could look at me and you'd not necessarily see anything - but actually I'm struggling to breath, feeling sick, shaking, and my heart is racing and/or thumping/palpitations....the aftermath is like when you have the flu - aching muscles, nausea, headache, exhaustion and feeling overly emotional.. Mental illness is invisible, and thus often easy to dismiss... I'm terrified about my Atos appointment, because I know they've denied benefit to people who have had a stroke, and other noticeable illnesses - so how on earth will I be dealt with..??? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.....
Right, I must sign off now..... Thank you for letting me vent... it helps me so much ....
Monday wasn't so good.... I'd stayed up very late to watch the Super Bowl, but had also given in to A's pleas to be allowed to stay at mine (I'd planned to ask P to have him for that night)...As a result on Monday morning I was totally exhausted and not able to cope with his refusal to go to school. I called his bluff, and it failed. I told him that if he didn't go in, I would email the school and make sure that they knew he was having an unauthorised absence. He didn't care, and he didn't go in. So I emailed. I also took his laptop privileges away from him - it may not sound like much of a punishment, but trust me he hates losing his precious time on the laptop. When he went back to school, they simply reprimanded him (well that's what he told me), which I was slightly disappointed about, but he knows that if he does it again, he will be in serious trouble. He went in ok for the rest of the week. In fact, his behaviour has been, for the most part, good this week. He's had a few moments of stroppiness and rudeness, but I'm beginning to realise that I'm so sensitised to his actions that even 'normal' teenage behaviour is freaking me out. Now I know this, I am finding that I can at least calm myself down, even if he is still stomping about.
I've also been advised that much of his behaviour, in terms of his sudden switches between independence and shadowing me, is age appropriate and normal. Sarah, the MABS worker, explained to me how teenage brains and toddler brains are very similar, in the way in which they are streamlining the neural pathways they need; thus a teenager can exhibit similar behaviour to a toddler - that is, checking that mum is still there, having some reassurance and then being happy to go and 'play' on their own. It seems weird to me, but it also makes sense....and it helps me to relax, because when he does get 'clingy', I do worry that there is something really wrong. It's been a great help having Sarah in our lives. She comes to see us every Friday and we just talk, about anything and everything....it's not counselling, more offloading, and she is very practical and straightforward - another person who is able to take some of the burden from me, and help me to cope. She never makes me feel like a failure, and I know that she is on 'our' side, here to help both of us. A loves to talk to her too, although he also gets to see her colleague Bernard, who has been a total star as far as A is concerned. I know that they are, together, helping us more than we really realise.
I also had my counselling appointment yesterday, and I actually came out of it feeling good. I don't know whether I noticed this because he had asked me to see if I could think of a positive words to describe how I felt at the end, but although it was still exhausting, I did feel more light, and clear at the end. He is very good at getting at the underlying issues - I will say that a certain thing makes me feel scared, or panicked, or sad...and he will question (gently) why....and that helps me - I like to know the why. An unidentifiable fear is harder to deal with than one you can specify and challenge. So when I say that I panic at, for example, being approached by charity collectors on the street, through his questioning I've realised that it's because a) I've had a bad experience before, so I expect it again and b) I'm actually resenting them for approaching me, when I just want to be left alone - and the resentment is because I know I'm going to say no to their request (charity or not, I don't give bank details to strangers), and I fear being judged.... yeah, totally mad I know but these are the thought processes of an anxious person....
That theme of bad experiences making me fearful now is something which is impacting me every day, although until he put it like that, I hadn't realised. It's really impacting on my MA work as well.. Which is scaring me, and upsetting me as well. The fact is that, until last June, my Uni life had gone pretty smoothly - yes there had been panics and problems, but nothing more than 'normal'... I had gained good grades, and had done as expected. Then, in the space of a few months, it all came crashing down...I went from smooth sailing, to not doing anything. I hadn't realised just how much this had freaked me out, and damaged my confidence. Now, I want to do my MA work, but it's an effort and that has scared me (it had never been an effort before) and I've begun to freak out about it, which just makes it worse. I'm scared to admit that there's a problem because I fear it will impact me in the future - it's really hard as it is to a) get onto the PhD, and b) get into academic work and I'm so scared that all this is going to mean that I get turned down....and that fear is almost paralysing me....it's a vicious circle. However, now I know what's going on, I'm hopeful that I can overcome the fear and get back on track.
I have had several severe panic attacks this week, however, which have left me drained and shaky. On Tuesday I tried to deal with the council regarding the summons for unpaid council tax...it didn't go too well, and I ended up panicking and freaking out. They refused to stop the summons, and also had no record of calls I had made before...so frustrating... However, my mum (totally fantastic) has come to my rescue again - she is coming down to be with me for the court date, I have also written to my MP about it (because owing the CT is due to the DWP taking away my JSA), and I have an appointment to see her assistant next Wednesday...so I did take control, with a lot of help, and although I felt physically awful, I managed to go, with A, for a walk which did help.... Today, I had another one, when I received a letter from Atos (who deal with medical claims for ESA) asking why I hadn't attended a medical check up - well I hadn't known about it... I completed the form (advising them that I hadn't attended because they hadn't told me about it) and sent it off - but I'm worried because I don't know if they will stop the ESA for this.... Added to that, my Purdy-cat has been having some real problems - she is toileting in the house, including in a basket of clean laudry...today, she was meowing and so distressed, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong, she was pacing and scraping the floor...I figured it out, and turned round to see her, well, you can guess...and then she was fine, curled up and went to sleep..but it was so hard to see her distressed, she obviously wanted to find somewhere suitable and held on as long as she could, but in the end she had to give in. Because all the cats have been trained to use the garden, we don't have a litter tray (if we had one, they'd all use it, which is why I've held back on that option)... Anyway, she has an appointment at the vets on Monday, to rule out a medical reason...... I love my Purdy-girl, she is so much my kitty, and I'm scared that there's something really wrong with her.....
The thing is that having a panic attack isn't always like it is on the TV - I don't always gasp, or wheeze - often you could look at me and you'd not necessarily see anything - but actually I'm struggling to breath, feeling sick, shaking, and my heart is racing and/or thumping/palpitations....the aftermath is like when you have the flu - aching muscles, nausea, headache, exhaustion and feeling overly emotional.. Mental illness is invisible, and thus often easy to dismiss... I'm terrified about my Atos appointment, because I know they've denied benefit to people who have had a stroke, and other noticeable illnesses - so how on earth will I be dealt with..??? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.....
Right, I must sign off now..... Thank you for letting me vent... it helps me so much ....
Saturday 2 February 2013
Whoops
I've just realised that it's been a week since I last posted....not blogging wasn't intentional, it's just been one of those weeks...mainly it's been exhausting....
Also, this week has been about dealing with things which I can't really put on here. Mainly because they involve other people, or would potentially make a tricky situation even worse. I've had to make decisions, which although they are the correct ones (for me and others), are still tough to actually do. On the plus side I was able to put into practice, some more of the CBT tricks I was taught...and I'm sure that, whilst my sleep still wasn't great, it would have been much worse without that.
I have had A this week, which has been really rather lovely. He is going through a nice phase at the moment, and although he is still a typical teenager (moaning and grumping), we've had some good, chilled out time together... Sadly, however, the bullying at school is continuing, and on Monday it escalated into the walk home, where he was followed (possibly chased down) by two lads (one a year 9 - so one year above him in school), who proceeded to empty a bottle of sports drink over his head, and then tried to push him into the road in front of a car. He came home so so distressed, it was horrible to see. Not only had they hurt him, they'd also made him fearful of walking to and from school.. Ok so it's not a long journey (5 min walk) but still time for them to do harm. When I rang the school and told them what had happened, they did get onto it immediately, and I know that the two have been dealt with - interestingly when I was contacted again, the person I spoke to told me that she was aware of the year 9 boy, and her tone was such that it suggested that this wasn't knowledge gained because he was a good student....sigh, their hands are tied in so many ways....
I was able to persuade A to go to school the next day, as he was only going in for a half day (lucky boy had a hospital appointment for his broken finger). However, even within that 3 hour period, he was attacked again. In this incident a boy chased him down the corridor and slammed his head into a wall. It appears that A had been throwing pencils in class, and afterwards this lad had decided to mete out his own punishment.... Once again I was faced with a distraught child, refusing to go back to school. The next morning he complained of a severe headache and was very pale and listless...so he didn't go in. Given the circumstances I wanted to a) give him some time to relax away from the fear he seems to feel every day at school, and b) make sure that his head was ok (it was)... I received a phone call from school, and was advised that I'd done the right thing. I made it clear to them that due to the way he had been hurt, I thought it was entirely reasonable to monitor him and not force him in.... Since he went in ok on Thursday I'm pretty sure I made the right choice.
He went in ok on Friday as well, but has expressed to his MABS worker, Bernard, and to our family MABS worker, Sarah, that he wants to move school. The only other school he could go to is City Boys. I don't have any objections as such but I'm not convinced it's the right thing to do. After all there are, sadly, bullies at every school, and A would also be taking himself with him - he doesn't help himself; he will react, sometimes over react, and will also provoke, and so I'm concerned that problems would occur and then we would be out of options re moving elsewhere. However, I'm beginning to realise that it may well be necessary for A to move schools. I've been advised that Mayfield does have a more endemic bullying problem, the legacy of all the years where the leadership level were so weak. Despite the fact that things have improved, and the huge efforts of the current Head and his staff, there is still a problem. However, we have had some amazing support from Mayfield. A has been referred for outside help which he may well not have received elsewhere; apparently his behaviour is not 'bad enough' - which begs the question just how bad is bad enough? Not sure I want to know to be honest..... I also have an excellent relationship with his head of year, and other members of staff. We understand each other, and I know that they give A a lot of leeway; for example when he has hit back, they have dealt with it but compassionately, and not as tho he had been the aggressor. So there is a lot to think about. I'd be grateful if any one who has any ideas or suggestions, would contact me. This is a very confusing situation and I want to do what is best for A, but I'm just not sure right now, what that is. His dad and I will have to make a decision, but I'd love to hear from anyone who thinks that they have thoughts or ideas which will help :)
Apart from that this week, I had my first counselling session - it went very well. The counsellor is a nice man, and he knows how to help without being challenging. I don't know how many sessions I will get, I need to ask, but although I felt emotionally exhausted afterwards, I know that it has helped. He wants me to write up a paragraph about where I see myself being in 5 years time... I'm pondering on that at the moment... It's a long way in the future and part of the issue, as I'm realising, is that I've shut down my forward planning - I can't see more than a few months ahead....
So that's where I am right now.....thinking a lot of things over, and trying to challenge myself to get over hurdles and improve things. Exhausting stuff but eventually rewarding...at least I hope so.
Also, this week has been about dealing with things which I can't really put on here. Mainly because they involve other people, or would potentially make a tricky situation even worse. I've had to make decisions, which although they are the correct ones (for me and others), are still tough to actually do. On the plus side I was able to put into practice, some more of the CBT tricks I was taught...and I'm sure that, whilst my sleep still wasn't great, it would have been much worse without that.
I have had A this week, which has been really rather lovely. He is going through a nice phase at the moment, and although he is still a typical teenager (moaning and grumping), we've had some good, chilled out time together... Sadly, however, the bullying at school is continuing, and on Monday it escalated into the walk home, where he was followed (possibly chased down) by two lads (one a year 9 - so one year above him in school), who proceeded to empty a bottle of sports drink over his head, and then tried to push him into the road in front of a car. He came home so so distressed, it was horrible to see. Not only had they hurt him, they'd also made him fearful of walking to and from school.. Ok so it's not a long journey (5 min walk) but still time for them to do harm. When I rang the school and told them what had happened, they did get onto it immediately, and I know that the two have been dealt with - interestingly when I was contacted again, the person I spoke to told me that she was aware of the year 9 boy, and her tone was such that it suggested that this wasn't knowledge gained because he was a good student....sigh, their hands are tied in so many ways....
I was able to persuade A to go to school the next day, as he was only going in for a half day (lucky boy had a hospital appointment for his broken finger). However, even within that 3 hour period, he was attacked again. In this incident a boy chased him down the corridor and slammed his head into a wall. It appears that A had been throwing pencils in class, and afterwards this lad had decided to mete out his own punishment.... Once again I was faced with a distraught child, refusing to go back to school. The next morning he complained of a severe headache and was very pale and listless...so he didn't go in. Given the circumstances I wanted to a) give him some time to relax away from the fear he seems to feel every day at school, and b) make sure that his head was ok (it was)... I received a phone call from school, and was advised that I'd done the right thing. I made it clear to them that due to the way he had been hurt, I thought it was entirely reasonable to monitor him and not force him in.... Since he went in ok on Thursday I'm pretty sure I made the right choice.
He went in ok on Friday as well, but has expressed to his MABS worker, Bernard, and to our family MABS worker, Sarah, that he wants to move school. The only other school he could go to is City Boys. I don't have any objections as such but I'm not convinced it's the right thing to do. After all there are, sadly, bullies at every school, and A would also be taking himself with him - he doesn't help himself; he will react, sometimes over react, and will also provoke, and so I'm concerned that problems would occur and then we would be out of options re moving elsewhere. However, I'm beginning to realise that it may well be necessary for A to move schools. I've been advised that Mayfield does have a more endemic bullying problem, the legacy of all the years where the leadership level were so weak. Despite the fact that things have improved, and the huge efforts of the current Head and his staff, there is still a problem. However, we have had some amazing support from Mayfield. A has been referred for outside help which he may well not have received elsewhere; apparently his behaviour is not 'bad enough' - which begs the question just how bad is bad enough? Not sure I want to know to be honest..... I also have an excellent relationship with his head of year, and other members of staff. We understand each other, and I know that they give A a lot of leeway; for example when he has hit back, they have dealt with it but compassionately, and not as tho he had been the aggressor. So there is a lot to think about. I'd be grateful if any one who has any ideas or suggestions, would contact me. This is a very confusing situation and I want to do what is best for A, but I'm just not sure right now, what that is. His dad and I will have to make a decision, but I'd love to hear from anyone who thinks that they have thoughts or ideas which will help :)
Apart from that this week, I had my first counselling session - it went very well. The counsellor is a nice man, and he knows how to help without being challenging. I don't know how many sessions I will get, I need to ask, but although I felt emotionally exhausted afterwards, I know that it has helped. He wants me to write up a paragraph about where I see myself being in 5 years time... I'm pondering on that at the moment... It's a long way in the future and part of the issue, as I'm realising, is that I've shut down my forward planning - I can't see more than a few months ahead....
So that's where I am right now.....thinking a lot of things over, and trying to challenge myself to get over hurdles and improve things. Exhausting stuff but eventually rewarding...at least I hope so.
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