oooh it's been a while since I posted..............

Hey there, yes I'm back...been a while I know but there's been this little thing called Christmas which has kinda distracted me for a bit..... Speaking of Christmas, I hope you all had a wonderful time, and were thoroughly spoilt...

So, pre-Christmas for me was pretty much all about the coughing and the gunk..yes, I caught the lurgy which is doing the rounds and it wasn't fun.... Last week was, in fact, a pretty crappy week (apart from Friday).... Wednesday saw me seemingly lose all the photo's on my laptop (although they made a miraculous return several days later - it's still puzzling me although I'm so relieved not to have lost them completely - lesson learnt - backing up is vital..)... and then I started to feel really ill as I was wrapping the Christmas presents...normally that's something I love doing but what with thinking I'd lost my photo's and feeling as though I had an iron band clamped round my chest, I didn't have so much fun this time. In fact it wasn't until Friday, when A had a half day at school and we spent the afternoon watching Christmas films (Muppet Christmas Carol, Polar Express and Elf), that I started to cheer up... spending time with A, nice time, not fighting, is so lovely and those 3 films are our traditional Christmas viewing...I'm wondering if it's worrying that I know so much of Muppet Christmas Carol off by heart?? lol...

Saturday was spent resting, and worrying that my illness would prevent me going to see my friend for Christmas...her sister is very vulnerable to illnesses and I'd never have forgiven myself if I'd passed it on to her... Fortunately I did start to feel better, and so on Sunday morning I set off to Reading where I was met by C's dad and my god-daughter (who was looking so very grown up - it's scary)... It's always good to be at C's, it's like being at home and I can relax..... Sunday evening saw us all at the Salvation Army carol service, which was lovely.....there's something essentially Christmassy about the SA band, and the singers were amazing....the little ones did a lovely nativity play (although I still say that the donkey bore more resemblance to a rabbit than anything else)... it was a really nice way to ease into the Christmas week, and C's dads running commentary was very amusing....

Christmas Eve was a pajama day, involving hot chocolate, marshmallows and silly telly....the girls are big fans of Moshi Monsters and so my ears were assaulted by the 'songs' these little creatures have made....it's scary how involved toys are these days - they all have their own albums..weird.... It's a good job I love the girls because having to listen to Moshis, Justin Bieber and One Direction in one day was almost more than I could take....lol

And so to Christmas Day, which was spent with C's family.....I'm very fortunate because they include me as a member of the family, and it's so lovely. Not to mention the fact that C's mum cooks the most delicious dinner.... I'm not sure I could have had a nicer Christmas day to be honest, because just chilling out, watching the kids playing, and L, C's sister, doing her jigsaws, whilst a cheesy film was playing on the TV, was great. I did feel very relaxed, and for me that's a huge treat.... Boxing Day was more of the same; gorgeous food, chilling out with lovely people and feeling relaxed.

Then yesterday I came home, and although it's lovely to be back, and it was great to see A again (even the cats were pleased to see me), I've been feeling very down and blah.... I'm not quite sure why. It may be just a post-Christmas reaction, or it could be because I didn't sleep very well last night. But for whatever reason I'm not great right now, and to make matters worse, the fact that I'm feeling so bad is making me feel bad...yes, really.... I've really missed writing my blog, but I've held off doing so because I really didn't just want it to be one long whine about how crap things are...for one thing I'm well aware that other people have things way worse than I do, and for another it just felt wrong... Maybe if I'd blogged I'd have felt better, but it's hard to say.... The problem is that when I feel like this I often can't pinpoint a reason as to why I feel this way; which means that I struggle to fix it. Then I feel frustrated and angry with myself for feeling like this without justification, (coming back to my earlier point about knowing others who are worse off), and so it goes in a spiral of feel crap-beat self up-feel crap ad infinitum.... The churny feeling is back in my stomach, and the lump is back in my throat....I feel as though I want to cry but I don't really, although maybe I should listen to some sad music and make myself cry, maybe it would help, I don't know.... I don't want to feel like this, I want to look forward to things, to think of what I have planned for tomorrow and to be happy, rather than to just want to go to bed and stay there.... I think part of it is the fact that, as always, after Christmas January is a long month on little money and I'm already feeling the pressure.... I love Christmas, especially choosing and giving presents....but it's becoming harder and harder to do this on a limited budget and whilst I don't mind making sacrifices in order to do so, it's still hard when the whole month is squeaky bum time, rather that just a few days. It's especially hard now because I've made such an effort and been such a good girl about paying my bills and staying in my budget, up till now....

January will also bring the deadline for the first chapter of my dissertation, as well as more doctors appointments and (hopefully) the first of my counselling appointments...so that's a LOT of things happening and I have to be honest, I am experiencing anxiety about it all... Getting over the first hurdle of starting the chapter will be the hardest part, once I've done that I'm sure I'll be ok...I'm just having a crisis of confidence at the moment....fingers crossed that I can overcome it and make a start next week.... A still has a week off school, and on Tuesday we travel to Romsey for the annual Parker family gathering (my mum's side of the family) - always a good laugh, great to see everyone again and this year even my brother is going to be there...which is a minor miracle....lol.... so I'm looking forward to that.... In the meantime, I'm going to try and get myself out of this funk.....I don't know how, but I'll do my best....

still knackered.....lol

So I just realised that I hadn't blogged for a while.....sorry about that.... Things have been a bit manic here and I'm so tired I've been falling asleep on the sofa at night....classy eh? Anyway, I remembered tonight, yay me, and so here I am....don't all cheer at once.... :)

The last week has been so busy, but in a good way.... Friday night saw me baby-sitting for J and L, although I think that E and A would object to being referred to as 'babies', come to think of it N probably would as well....lol... I love to spend time with J, L and their kids....it's always so much fun, although being pee'd on wasn't the highlight of the evening..the trouble is that now A is all grown up (ha) I forget that little ones should *always* be taken to the toilet, even when they say they don't need to go...yeah, learnt that lesson....but N is so cute that I forgave him immediately...

Saturday saw A and I traveling to Farnborough where we were picked up by our lovely friend A, to begin our trip to Scunthorpe for the Jack's Army Christmas meal.... it was a long journey, featuring traffic jams on the m25 (so not surprising) and the m1. It wasn't too bad tho, although I did get a bit confused, and thus we got lost, once we arrived in Scunthorpe. We made it to J's house, and were promptly mobbed by Rosie the dog...totally the cutest puppy and so welcoming.... It was so good to see J and her family again, and for A to meet them for the first time. Such a lovely welcoming place to be.... The meal was lovely, and it was great to see Jack's 'mahoosive extended family' again....such a shame that not everyone could be there... We laughed and remembered Jack, and I loved seeing Jack's family smiling and laughing....we know that the pain doesn't go away, but Jack's Army is, and always will be, there for them, seeing them smile is brilliant.... Jack remains in so many people's hearts, always loved and remembered.. Each time a picture of Jack is posted on Facebook I decide that it's my favourite (and I know I'm not the only one), and each time I see his smile, I smile too.... This Christmas I'll be thinking of Jack, and of his family, and remembering the brave li'l BIG man who captured my heart, and whose bravery inspires me every single day....

Sunday saw us travelling back down south, but not until we'd had a delicious roast dinner cooked by J, and had spent time chilling out....it was such a great time, and neither of us wanted to leave.... I'm so very grateful to A, for driving us there and back, and to J for letting us stay....we'll be back...don't say we haven't warned you... ;)

After all the traveling and late nights/early mornings of the last week, I was totally exhausted yesterday... I had a hospital appointment but cancelled it, as I just couldn't face getting there and dealing with the discomfort involved. I know I still have to have the test done, but putting it off until the New Year seems to be the right decision. I did, however, spend the day cleaning and tidying the house - I even washed the hall floor - woohoo... So it wasn't all bad...

Emotionally I'm very up and down at the moment, sometimes totally convinced that I've upset people, or said the wrong thing, sometimes just so tired that I want to hide in bed, sometimes on an even keel which then leads to a feeling that the rest of the time I'm failing at life....so yeah, totally screwy is probably the technical term. I'm not totally down (not at the moment anyway) and I'm looking forward to Christmas, but day to day stuff is still a struggle.

Weirdly, and annoyingly, whenever I speak to someone about how I feel, or what's been happening, once the initial 'relief' has passed, I actually feel worse, and I've noticed that this is getting worse. Today, for example, Sarah from MABS (multi-agency behavioural services) came over. She is working with us, specifically A and I, in order to try and sort out his behaviour and get him back on track. This means that she talks to me in detail, as she needs to cover all bases and be aware of everything which is going on in A's life. Today I opened up to her about some really personal stuff, information which not many people know...and although it was a relief to tell her, and to discuss it with her, once she had gone I felt dreadful... I've noticed this before, i.e. feeling bad after a CBT appointment, or even after I've talked to my mum. This isn't anything to do with those I'm talking to, it's not their fault at all...they're being lovely, sympathetic, caring etc., but for some reason, and probably not surprisingly, talking stirs up feelings and makes things tricky for a while. I'm now beginning to be concerned about the counselling which is due to start in January, and am hoping that I'll be able to cope with it ok... We shall see....

Tomorrow I'm planning on making a start on the first chapter of my MA dissertation...scary...but it has to be done... actually I'm kinda looking forward to it, as well as being scared...it's the first step towards completing this last stage of my MA and I'm keen to get writing.... I just hope that the long break since I last wrote (academically anyway) won't hamper my efforts... Then I plan to spend the evening wrapping Christmas presents (and probably wrestling with the cats as they try to join in...lol)..... I do enjoy sorting and wrapping presents, although it's at this point that I normally discover I've forgotten to buy one or two gifts...at least I should have time to go and buy them

So, with that, I shall leave you with this gorgeous pic of Jackamo....

Sleep needed

So things have been slightly crazy around recently...but I can tell that you're not surprised by that...lol.... I'm still not sleeping very well at night, and so Sunday was spent lazing in bed, dozing and listening to the football on the radio......and texting my friend C, who had suddenly developed a resemblance to the elephant man due to a vicious abscess in her jaw... She, poor girl, spent most of Sunday trailing from the emergency dentist to the Royal Berks Hospital and then up to John Radcliffe...where she was stabbed with needles and put on a drip which contained lots of lovely drugs.... As soon as it was clear that she was in real trouble, and would have to have an operation I made arrangements to go and be with her (would like to say a huge thank you to my parents for helping make that happen, you guys rock).. She was on her own, and (as I would have been) scared about having an op... So instead of meeting up for lunch with friends on Monday, and working on my dissertation chapter plan, I was instead getting the train to Oxford. And promptly getting lost once I arrived..Memo to Oxford tourist office, your map is, how can I put this, USELESS!! Seriously, it was like reading spaghetti when you've taken hallucinogenic drugs, (not that I've ever done that)... As you can imagine, I was pretty stressed out but I'm pleased to say that I coped, I didn't lose it and I did find my way to the correct bus stop eventually (after a pit stop in Maccy D's - hey I was hungry ok, not that it was worth £3...ah well)....

John Radcliffe hospital (for those of you who haven't been there, which I hadn't prior to Monday), is HUGE....and like a rabbit warren...and the lifts have a nasty habit of bypassing whichever floor has the most people waiting for the lift to stop...lol... yeah, finding my way to C's ward was interesting...but I made it.. And I have to say that the building, signposts and lifts are rubbish but the staff, at least on ward 6f, were amazing. C's nurse was called Katie and she was so lovely....to me as well as to C... I got there in time to walk down with C when she was taken to surgery, and then I spent the next 2 and 1/2 hours worrying...part of it on my own, part of it with C's dad...it took longer than we'd both thought it would and it was horrible. C is a sister to me, we've been friends for over 20 years (so makes me feel old saying that), we are god-mum to each others children, and we plan on being mad old cat ladies together when we grow up....even tho I knew that this op wasn't a big, serious one, it was still hard during that wait.

Mind you, her dad and I managed to entertain, or maybe shock the 3 other ladies on the ward, when we had a discussion about my MA dissertation topic...I tried to keep my voice down, C's dad, not so much.. and given that my topic covers the contagious diseases acts of the 19th century, this meant that they were treated to comments about prostitutes, VD, and whether or not the Victorians truly understood the difference between gonorrhea and syphilis....oh yeah...did make me giggle.... C eventually came back, groggy and in pain but with noticeably less swelling....I was so relieved, altho when they had to put her on oxygen (a fairly high amount as well) I was scared again...

By this point Katie (C's nurse) was 12 hours into a 13 hour shift!!!!! And she was still smiling, still cheerful, still happy to talk to each and every one of the patients including the elderly lady with dementia who was repetitive and upset...Katie was so compassionate and showed absolutely no desire to throw me out of the window when I started making silly jokes to cover up how upset I was about C.... Me, after that many hours, I'd be knackered, in pain and fed up....so Katie (and her colleagues) are amazing in my eyes.... She ended up doing nearly 14 hours before she left, because she was so intent on making certain all the patients she was caring for were happy, knew who was taking over from her and had had everything done that she'd promised, even if it was simply finding a menu sheet.... I have to admit I felt a bit ashamed of myself as I watched her, because I couldn't do her job, let alone do it with the cheer and good will which she showed, and even less so at the end of a 13 hour day..... In my, not so, humble opinion the nurses are under-appreciated and under-paid.... Yesterday they helped make things easier, not just for C, but for her dad and for me. They let me stay past the end of visiting hours, they kept us informed, they were kind and caring to everyone, not just the patients... Now if only they could removed the hideous bright pink curtains (the men's ward had blue ones - gender stereotyping anyone?) which were, sadly, everywhere and rather headache inducing...

Talking headaches brings me to my journey home...first of all a fight for a taxi - apparently the automated system doesn't work so well when there are three separate requests for a cab from the same place..oops - then an eye-watering fare (£9!!!)....having said that the actual train journey wasn't too bad...well the first one wasn't, but the train from Guildford to Portsmouth had originated in London and was thus full of drunk people; drunk people who had, and I apologise to those of you with delicate constitutions, lost their ability to use the toilet properly....thus when I went in it was, not to put to fine a point on it, disgusting....no more details but suffice it to say that I washed my trainers when I got home, and had pushed my jeans up to my knees when I went in.... Seriously wonder what goes through people's minds sometimes..it's not rocket science and even if the train moves it's not tricky to use a loo....unless you're a drunken moron of course....

Finally arriving home at gone midnight, I was greeted by 4 cats, all doing a great impression of a starving animal who has forgotten what food looks like....I wasn't fooled, I'd fed them this morning and they had dried food left - nevertheless, and to stop them meowing, I fed them more dried food which they fell on as tho they'd not eaten for a week (again, trust me, they have)...why do they do that? Weird creatures....

Today has been spent trying to do some Uni work in between collapsing with sheer exhaustion..I'm pleased to say that I've managed to (at the last minute) do my chapter plan for my first dissertation chapter - just in time for my meeting with supervisor tomorrow morning...last minute work - it's the future...lol....

So that's been me, folks.... I've coped with what would normally be a very stressful situation, but I've also been worried sick about my friend...so it appears that the way to get through stressful situations, such as getting lost, is to be worried about someone else....hmmm...not sure that will catch on to be honest... But in all seriousness, yesterday was a mix of the good (getting to see C) and the bad (worrying about her)... I wouldn't have been anywhere else, there was no chance I was leaving her in hospital on her own, and I'm so glad I went up...I'd have been more worried if I'd stayed at home...but it brought home to me just how much I've relied on her (along with my parents) to keep me going....she understands, and even if it's just via text, she can help me to feel better....I'm spending Christmas with her family, who are like a second family to me...the comfort that gives me is huge...I have somewhere, which is a safe place for me, where I can go and enjoy Christmas...it's not that I'd be alone if I didn't have C, but I love being with her daughters and I get to enjoy Christmas through the kids, even tho A will be with his dad... So yesterday was scary, because she was really sick, and although I'm sure there was no real danger, I was scared.... It's easy to hide that behind jokes, but when I left it did hit me and I didn't really want to go home.... I'm glad to say that she's ok, and was discharged today.... which is a huge relief - to her as well I'm sure ;)

Right, I have to go to bed now...tomorrow brings a day of having a humiliating medical procedure, followed by a meeting with my dissertation supervisor...although only the first one really bothers me....and then I get to have lunch with J, so it could be worse.... More to the point I need sleep... *yawn* Night all....

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk

So, did you miss me? Did you? Did you? Ah but of course you did...in between enjoying the blessed peace and quiet, and catching up on all those things you'd been meaning to do, but had put off so as to read my blog - you know, like feeding the kids, grooming the cat, doing your nails, cleaning the house....haha

But yes...I *finally* have my laptop back.....talk about first world problems - my laptop was in the shop being repaired for two weeks and I hated every day of it...I didn't realise quite how much I use my laptop until I didn't have it....my phone was about the only thing which kept me from climbing the walls....but I couldn't blog from it, too tricky, and I really really missed blogging... It was lovely to be contacted by people who'd noticed that I'd not blogged for a while, who wanted to know if I was ok and who said they missed the blog....that's balm to a crazy girl's soul that is.....

Aaaannnnyyyywayyyyyyyy....................I'm not going to detail everything which has happened since I last blogged (stop cheering so loud, lol).... It's been, not surprisingly, a very up and down couple of weeks.... Generally speaking I've been on a fairly even keel, albeit a very low and blah keel...but even nonetheless.... A has been fantastic, well at home anyway....I've been opening up a bit more to him about my illness, and far from scaring him, he seems to be responding well...he's been very caring, and has certainly behaved better for me. School, however, is another matter....although he didn't get into any trouble this week.....because he was off sick all week...sigh...but yes, I received a letter today stating that he is now being put into IE on Wednesday for the day because he swore at two teachers (which I knew he'd done) and also for selling fizzy drinks at school (which I didn't know about, and am totally baffled by)....I'm sure I shall be enlightened but for now, it's a puzzle.... Fingers crossed he will go into school ok on Monday because he really hates it at the moment... He's been poorly this week, but he was so happy that he didn't have to go to school....

For me things have been, as I said, fairly even. I've had a few moments of meltdown, which have been resolved by losing myself in a book.... I've also been back and forward to the doctors about various things, and am beginning to find it hard to sit in the waiting room without twitching.. I've been signed off till the middle of January, which is a relief, because I can look forward to Christmas without worrying about JSA or looking for a job... I'm still feeling very low, and having frequent anxiety attacks..interestingly I think that the reason this week hasn't been too bad was that because I had to stay with Aiden, I didn't have to go out too much....so there wasn't as much pressure on me.... My dreams are still very vivid, however, probably due to a combination of all the anxiety and the medication I'm on (venlafaxine side effects include intense/vivid dreams...)... this means that I'm waking several times at night, and am feeling scared and edgy during the day...again, I can distract myself but it's exhausting.....

I'm sticking to the diet tho, although exercise has been a bit hit and miss recently....I have an advent calendar (well I have to, ok) but I keep forgetting to open it, and only do so when A threatens to eat my chocolate as well as his....so right now, I'm not craving chocolate (Tesco's lemon yoghurt however is another matter...that with meringue = nom nom nom....) I'm pretty sure that I will eat waaay too much over Christmas tho...I'm heading to my friend C's house, and we will be going, along with my god-daughters, to her parents for Christmas day and Boxing day...now C's mum cooks the most amazing roast dinners...and I shall have two, one on Christmas day and one on Boxing day, not to mention the buffet teas and cake... *mouth waters* .. I love C's family, they're like another family to me and as A will be with his dad this year, it is fab that I can go there and be absorbed into their family Christmas.....I think they'll have to roll me onto the train when I leave tho...all that food....lol

Speaking of Christmas, I'm actually looking forward to it....there's still the worry over money (buying presents makes things tighter than normal), but I so love buying and giving presents that I'm managing not to panic too much.... A and I decorated the tree this week..it's gone up early because we're apart at Christmas so we wanted to make it last as long as possible.....

I do love it when the tree goes up....It always looks so cheerful, bright and sparkly... plus it confuses the cats and that makes me giggle... Purdy has already knocked several baubles off and chased them round the room, she also seems to love sitting under the tree...there aren't any pressies under there yet, and I'm mildly concerned about what she'll do when I put them there....could be interesting..... 

This time next week A and I will be in Scunthorpe, for the Jack's Army Christmas meal....cannot wait... so excited to be seeing people again, although I'm gutted that some of the lovelies can't make it (you know who you are... I shall miss you).... A is really excited as he's not been to a Jack's Army 'event' before, and he is counting the days until we go...am so grateful to my friend A for driving us up there (and for sorting out the train tickets to her place) and to the lovely J who is opening her b&b again so that A and I can stay with her.... Jack is still my hero and inspiration..every single day I see his smiley face and I remind myself that he went through so much, and he smiled...so I can go through what I'm dealing with, and smile as well...Jack stops me from getting too low, from feeling too sorry for myself, he reminds me there is always something which will make you smile, or distract you, and that each of us is stronger than we think we are.... I still miss him all the time, I so wish that we were still getting daily updates and pics from his mum, and that he was still there with his family, they are so amazing, and they also are inspiring to me.... 

So there you go...I'm back....It's good to be back blogging again....Now I've got to start working on the first chapter of my dissertation....even though I'm really anxious about it, I'm going to make myself get on with it...I'm learning to live with the anxiety, to force through it (if I can) and to take time out when I can't....it's not easy, and I'm so grateful to all my amazing family and friends, who have been so supportive and caring.... You all rock...

life is a roller-coaster....

[yes, I really have been reduced to quoting Ronan Keating songs...I'm really very sorry about this, it won't happen again....I promise]

so.....last Wednesday was not such a good day for me. You may have noticed. However, and I realise that this is no consolation for those of you who read my misery-fest, getting it all out did help me... Because on Thursday I actually managed to get my act together, just a tiny bit, and faced up to some things which have been panicking me. Stupid little things. But, as is often the case, these little things had become huge problems for me....only now they aren't...not any more.... oh no.. I was a big brave girlie.. yay me...lol.... So what was it that scared me so much....well...see... I kinda forgot to renew my university library books, well one of them...and then that meant I couldn't renew the rest...and that meant that I was racking up fines (let's just not go there re the whole 'why didn't I just go in and take them back - I don't know...and 3 days of asking myself that question hasn't produced an answer..)....and the longer it went on, the more scared I got that the fines were now un-affordable...because the uni library does charge a lot (or so I thought) for overdue books..... Anyway, last Thursday I decided that, whilst my courage didn't extend to actually going into the library and finding out the situation, I could cope with emailing them. So I did. And my courage (ha) was rewarded because not only did the nice people at the library renew my books, but my fines weren't £50 as I'd feared, but £9.80....which I have now paid....... whoop and indeed whoop....

So, the other issue which was becoming a massive problem for me, was that the longer I went without doing any work on my MA, the harder it got to pick up the pen and book again....it wasn't that I didn't want to do it, I'd just got myself so tangled up in fear over the library book situation, and over the fact that I'd not been working as much as I thought I should, that it stopped me from actually getting on with it....but once I'd sorted out the library books, I did start to feel better and lo and behold I was able to get on with taking notes...and I have since managed to get properly back into it. So again, yay... I'm still behind in terms of the timescale provisionally agreed with my supervisor, but I'm pretty sure (fingers crossed) that it isn't a major issue. The main thing is that I'm back working again, and the fear over completing the MA has dissipated...

Anyway, apart from that things have been very up and down. I'm still fighting the urge to just stay in bed, or even to go back to bed once I'm up. I had a long chat with my mum (well actually several long chats), and one of the things we talked about was whether I should give up the MA for now, in order to allow myself to get fully better...but, as I said to her, I'm pretty sure that were I to stop the MA, I'd end up staying in bed. Apart from when I have A that is. At the moment, working on the MA means that I do feel as though I'm achieving something, even if it's something small; and the feeling of failure when I don't work on it, is small compared to how lousy I'd feel if I had nothing to do. I just know that, without the MA, I'd have nothing to aim for, and I'd spend the whole day doing nothing, and hating myself for it. So at the very least, I shall finish the MA. What will happen re the PhD is another matter and one which, thankfully, I can put off thinking about for a couple of months....

I'm almost used to my feelings, the nausea, emptiness, sadness, lump in throat, churning stomach etc, being so changeable. I can wake up, feeling relatively positive and then for no reason, or none that I can figure out anyway, be plunged into feeling down and lousy.....I know that certain situations can trigger it, but sometimes it just happens for no reason....it's very frustrating because I hate feeling like this, and if I could tell what triggered it, maybe I could stop it, or do something to change it. I'm hoping that when I [finally] reach the top of the list for counselling, I'm able to work with someone who can help me with this. Because the despair is not a constant companion; I'm capable of feeling happy - for example, last Thursday I was walking back from the local shops when a friend (S) drove past, and as she was dropping someone off in my road, we were able to have a quick catch up...and I was just so so pleased to see her, my friend who is there for me, no matter the fact that sometimes I don't contact her for a while...

Other things which make me happy [in no particular order] - spending time with A, when he is calm and happy, and we're just hanging out together enjoying ourselves; getting into a good book, losing myself in the story; finding a particularly good quote or argument for my MA dissertation; having snuggles with my kitties, especially when purdy and molly cat come and sleep on my bed, up close to me as though they are protecting me; finding a new author, and thus a new set of books to get my teeth into; fundraising and raising awareness for the Jack Marshall Brain Tumour Fund, Jackamo is always my hero and inspiration; feeling a sense of achievement when I've completed a task, even if it is only doing the laundry or the washing up; being with my friends and family (both on and offline).

All of those things help - sometimes it's total happiness, other times it's more about minimising the fear and turmoil inside me...but I'm trying hard to recognise the good times, and to remember them when times are harder...because it's all about keeping my head above water at the moment.

Now, it's occurred to me that this blog is rather one sided..it's all about me....and I love that you all read it, and I appreciate all the comments I get...but I did want to say that if anyone wants to share anything, privately or openly, then please feel free.....I don't know, maybe we can help each other.... I can't be the only one who feels like this, and I know that writing this has helped me.... I say stuff on here which I'd never say face to face, and people know more about me due to this blog, than they would otherwise...and that's a good thing..it's helping me to be more open in 'real' life as well.... I'm pretty sure that I'd be far more isolated and lonely without this blog, and that my mind would be in a greater tangle than it is, if I hadn't been able to work out my thoughts and feelings here..... you don't have to comment, but you're welcome to do so... the floor is yours, people :)

oops.....

So I realised that I haven't posted for a while...sorry about that..unless you liked the peace and quiet, in which case I'm sorry for disturbing you ;)

I've just not felt much like talking, or doing anything really...but today I've really made an effort to get on and do things and in that spirit I thought I'd blog.....

The last week has been a tricky one, after last Wednesday I've been feeling particularly at a loss for motivation. I have to admit that I've let things drift, and haven't got on with Uni work at all....which has increased my feelings of guilt. So yeah, not good.... Mind you, today has been better, on that front at least.... The nice postman delivered 3 important bits of post; the tribunal decision, the letter from Atos regarding my claim for ESA and the DWP request for my sick-note. So instead of putting it all to one side and ignoring it until the guilt kicked in, I cracked on and completed the Atos questionnaire. I'm kinda glad that I started it without thinking, and without reading ahead, because it was a hard one to complete. Not that the questions were horrible or unreasonable, but I had to give details and information about how my depression and anxiety impact on my life, and how it makes me feel....that was tough, and scary, because I've never really sat down and thought about all the things this horrible illness does to me - until now....when I had to write it down, then it made it even more real and I realised just how much this stupid thing is changing my life. I'm pretty sure that I probably forgot to mention something relevant, and I'm kinda worried that my answers were a tad incoherent but there you go.... I completed it, and A posted it for me.... so all I can do now is wait.... I'm not expecting Atos to be sympathetic in any way, my dad told me last week about a friend of his who is clearly unwell and unable to work (I can't remember the details but it was something serious and obvious, such as a stroke), and who was informed by Atos that he was fit to work.... I'm not going on an anti-Atos rant now, I don't have the energy, but I'm fully prepared to be knocked back by them... why would they believe me when they don't believe people who have obvious illnesses...

I've also managed to do some more reading for my dissertation....it's weird...when I think about working on my dissertation, I get very anxious and fearful that I won't be able to do it...but when I actually do the reading, I'm ok....well sort of...I still feel bad, but I can get on with it. However, it is getting harder and harder to work on Uni stuff and it's painful to admit but I'm not sure I can do it. It's not that I don't want to, because I really do...but the anxiety is so bad that it's affecting this now.... It's really hard to explain, because the thought of not completing the MA makes me want to cry, but at the same time I'm finding it harder and harder to do the work, because my anxiety kicks in and I panic and feel as though I'm failing. I'm not sure what to do now... Part of me wants to just keep going but the panic is there and that part of me wants to stop, and not to have to think about it any more. I don't want to give up, I don't want to give in to this stupid illness, but I'm also so very very tired of feeling so panicky and sick and tired all the time. The urge to just stay in bed is overwhelming....if I didn't have A then I would probably give in. I want to give in so much....but instead I make myself carry on, as much as I can, and fight the feelings and try to be normal... To give up my MA was feel like total and complete failure, and I'm pretty sure I'd hate myself even more than I do already...and that, more than anything, is making me stubbornly carry on. I'm more afraid (at the moment) of how bad I'd feel having stopped, than of how panicked I am continuing.... I am so screwed up it's actually ridiculous... and yet, if you met me, you'd probably not know, cos I can fake it good...sadly...sometimes I'd like to just fall apart, and see people's reactions...not in a horrible way, but just because so many of us are probably the same, faking it till we make it....and maybe if we could just fall apart a bit and have recognition about how we're feeling, then it would help...I don't know...

One good thing, when I wore my jeans the other day I had to take the belt in another notch...so yay for me being good and not breaking my diet.....to be fair, even when I'm at my worse I don't feel like eating masses of chocolate any more.. some people would say that that suggests that I'm not myself, but I couldn't possibly comment.

Right, time for me to stop babbling on.....

DWP 'logic' and fireworks

Just a brief blog entry today to update you all on the tribunal.....I'll start by saying that, sadly but unsurprisingly, the decision didn't go in my favour but I have decided to continue fighting and will be writing to my MP in the next few days. So, here's what happened.....

Mum and I got to the tribunal centre in plenty of time, and what a depressing place it is too....seriously don't think it could have been designed to be any more ugly.....however the clerk to the court, when she came out to tell us what would happen, was very nice and kind and that did help to settle my nerves a bit. The room where they have the tribunal was small and bright, there was only one lawyer/JP there, no one from the DWP ever goes to these things...however unlike if we didn't turn up, it doesn't seem to impact on them...funny that.... Anyway, she (the lawyer in charge) was very nice, kind and sympathetic....she listened to my point of view and that helped me to be calm and articulate. However, as with so many others who I've dealt with, she kept referring to the law, and how she had to abide by it. Which would be fair enough, except that they selectively apply it, so that it works for the DWP and not for us. One rule says that a person should be accepted as looking for work unless there is evidence otherwise; when I pointed out that all the evidence showed that I had been looking for work, she turned it around and said it was only used in cases where people had been lying about looking for work - so although it looks like a positive rule for us, it's not....so frustrating and annoying.

However the really insane part was still to come. It soon became clear that she wasn't going to find in my favour, and she began scouring her little book of law to see what crumbs of comfort she could give me. Now, bear with me, because this is totally true and yet completely bonkers at the same time. She told me that I couldn't claim JSA, apart from when Aiden was on holiday from school, or had an inset day or if he was excluded....so basically, I can't claim JSA for those days when I am available for work, but I can claim it for days when I couldn't work because I'd need to be at home looking after Aiden (and she had already said she realised that childcare was an issue, also the actual regulation she quoted is written specifically to cover those who have responsibilities caring for children, i.e. it's accepted that on those days the individual cannot work!!) If you think that's insane, then you're not the only one....... It's so annoying and mum and I were so shocked that neither of us thought to challenge her at the time...

Mind you, she wasn't finished yet, because when I asked her if I could appeal further, she told me I could but that I couldn't argue the facts, only law....ummmm right.....ok......yeah I don't get that either....

Anyway, mum took me to the library and I had a nice browse which helped to relax me and we've managed a nice, restful afternoon......and a visit to the local free firework display this evening....which was lovely.. I do love fireworks, and I love hearing the little kids reactions to them as well....so cute....

All in all, today could have been better but it also could have been a lot worse. My mum being here has helped massively and I'm so glad she came down....I feel very fortunate to have such supportive parents...Today I've managed to stay on an even keel, despite feeling alternately numb and angry, I've managed to stay calm and to get on with things which needed doing..... I'm grateful for small positive steps

Nerves kicking in

Since I last blogged I have been trying to take it easy, aiming to help myself feel better by taking the pressure off...it has worked, well to a degree anyway...I am feeling slightly better but am so conscious of the fact that my emotional equilibrium can change very quickly. I'm really grateful to all of you who contacted me, and left me so many lovely messages of love and support...even as low as I was, they did reach me, and although I couldn't reply, I read them all and smiled...

Over the last few days I have managed to complete some of my uni work, as well as housework - which is a bonus....I feel good for having done so, not just for completing the tasks, but also for the fact that I got up and did them...when really all I wanted to do was to hibernate under the duvet. I've also managed to deal with A, although he has been very good recently, he has also had moments of mad hyperactivity which I find really hard to deal with. So yeah, I feel marginally more positive than I did last week; although I am still finding it very hard to talk to people, see people etc.

My mum came down today, and it's so good to see her. She backs me up with A, takes the pressure off, and she's just there for me as mothers are. Tomorrow I have to go to Havant for the appeal about my JSA. I'm really nervous about it, actually feel nauseous; am so glad that my mum will be there with me because I'm not sure I'd manage without her. I know that because she's there I'll be calm, and cope with whatever happens. I wish my dad could come down as well, but I know he's busy. Both my parents are a massive support for me, and I'm so grateful for that.

Tomorrow evening sees the local council's free Firework display, and we're planning on going - provided the weather stays dry. I love fireworks, and this display is normally really good... I've watched a fair few local garden displays from my window over the last couple of days but there's really nothing like getting all bundled up in warm clothes, gloves, hat, and scarf and standing in a muddy field with thousands of other people going 'oooh' and 'aaah' at the fireworks and laughing as the bonfire fails to light until half a gallon of petrol is tipped over it. Fingers crossed for good weather tomorrow then....

I'm trying to focus on the good things which happen, on taking small steps each day, and on achieving as much as I am able to. Mostly I wake up, get A to school, do a bit of uni reading, sleep, do some more reading, and then wait for A to get home from school...To me this is a good day, I've done some uni work and I've got through the day without falling apart. Some days are harder than others, and it's a real effort to get anything done. I can't say why one day is worse than another, which is frustrating because I'd love to be able to do something about it. Sleeping is becoming a real problem; I'm waking up several times a night, and finding it hard to switch off and go to sleep - then I'm exhausted during the day, and although I try not to, I always end up having a nap. I'm trying to stick to a rule of not napping after lunch, I figure that it's less likely to impact on my night time if I doze in the morning...but the fact remains that I am so so tired at the moment and so long as I get some work done, I feel that it's better to sleep than to stress over feeling tired and making myself stay awake. I don't know, I'm sure the doc will have some advice for me when I go back. The cats are still my little buddies, snuggling close to me and giving me something (other than myself) to focus on when I'm alone, or when A is asleep. They distract me, and help take my mind off things....at night, sometimes the only way I can get to sleep is by stroking purdy or molly, and drifting off. I don't know what I'd do without my kitties, they may drive me mad sometimes (especially at the moment as the kitchen door still isn't fixed, and they see it as a matter of honour to sneak in there as often as possible), but without them I think I'd be worse off. Interestingly they aren't at all fazed by the fireworks, in fact Molly sat on the windowsill with Purdy yesterday, watching them....weird....but good...

Tomorrow will be a busy day, and I'm dreading it. I don't know what to expect, and I hate that. I don't know what I need to do, and that's scaring me. I'm worried in case I lose this appeal but I fear that I won't be an effective advocate for myself; that's one of the reasons my mum is coming with me. So I really can't wait for it to be done and dusted; I'm worrying that I won't sleep tonight (and, yes I know that won't help).  So it's all a bit messy right now. I shall take myself off to bed at a reasonable time tonight, and try to relax and sleep...and then I shall just have to take a deep breath and go for it tomorrow.

The only way is up?

So....Monday was a pretty horrible day (well apart from seeing the lovely K that is).....In fact this whole week has been pretty crappy... I can't even remember what I did on Tuesday, I think I slept but apart from that it's all a dull blur.... Wednesday wasn't much better... A and I did go into Waterlooville and it was good to get out of the house.... But as if all the hassle with the DWP wasn't enough, the energy company caught up with me this week.... I'm not the best at remembering to pay bills, and when I can't afford to pay them it doesn't help...sadly I let it go a bit too far, and very nearly ended up having the door kicked in by bailiffs....thankfully it has been resolved now, but it's been a reminder that I have to stay on top of things, no matter how hard it may be to do so. Gas and electric are a huge problem; I use as little of each as possible and yet it still costs me £75 per month (joint bills)....And that's with not having the heating on, and keeping the telly and lights off as much as possible... It does make me angry to think that, if they so choose, the executives of these companies could absorb price rises in their huge bonuses instead of passing it on to the customer... When you're sitting in the cold, wearing two jumpers and three pairs of socks rather than putting the heating on, it is a little hard to stomach the massive amounts of money which are being made in profits..... When I have A with me, I have to put the heating on because of his asthma (if he gets cold he will have an asthma attack) and nothing is more important to me than his health but I'd be lying if I said that I don't panic about the cost....and I hate that...

I did make it to the doctors on Thursday, and once there I did kinda fall apart....I was intending to be strong, and stay calm but that lasted all of a minute...just telling her what had been going on and how bad I felt was too much, so I turned into a snot monster....am sure she loved that....to be fair she was fab, and it's just my luck that it was her last day at that surgery....pity, because I trust her and it would have been great if I could have stayed seeing her.....anyway, she has signed me off for a month..which is great as it means I don't have to think about job hunting..however already my brain is telling me that in a month I'll have to start hunting again and the panic then sets in.

I'm not thinking straight at all at the moment. Part of that is the streaming cold I've come down with, but most of it is anxiety/depression related....I feel ridiculous and useless and a total failure. My stomach churns and hurts, I keep twitching and fidgeting, my head feels like it's full of cotton wool, I ache all over and I'm so tense all the time....inside I have this sick feeling, sinking, churning, sad and constant....I don't want to leave the house, although apart from today I have managed to make myself do so. I read, and I sleep. I make lunch and dinner because I do feel hungry, even if I don't feel like eating..I feed the cats and fuss them; my kitties have been brilliant, I swear they know something is wrong, when I sit on the sofa, or in bed, they come and snuggle close to me, sleeping right up next to me..it's a comfort.... A has also been good, although he hasn't been around much - being out with his friends.... when he has been here he has been very caring, which I appreciate.. The worst thing about all of this is the impact it's having on him; he knows, because he was there on Monday, that money is a problem and on Wednesday he broke down in tears, worried about how we would survive. I told him that, no matter what, he would never be without clothes on his back, food in his belly and a roof over his head, that friends and family would see to that and that he shouldn't worry. Easy for me to say...because he will worry, and I hate that. He did believe me, but I fear that his worries will fester away.... I try to protect him, but he knows about my anxiety/depression, and it bothers me....I feel like I've failed him, I should protect him better, I should be able to cope, and the more I can't cope, the worse it is.

At the moment I'm hibernating....facing people, even friends, is more than I can do..and I know that makes me horrible and I'm sorry....my mum is the only person I can really talk to at the moment, she's coming down next week as I've got the JSA tribunal on Wednesday...I'm so glad she's coming...I think otherwise I'd not see another person, apart from A, all week - all by my choice I add...see it's easy when I can stay in, read, do MA work (when I feel up to it), sleep, try not to think etc., well not easy, but easier than it is facing people and being useless at talking to them or whatever....conversation is almost beyond me at the moment, it all just such an effort..... and do you know, I don't even have a good reason for feeling like this....I've not lost anyone, I've not had anything really bad happen to me... I should be happy, but I'm not. And that more than anything makes me feel like a failure, like people should hate me because they have a reason for feeling like this and I don't, and so by feeling this way I'm being selfish and stupid....

so folks, that was a brief glimpse inside my brain...what a mess....I'd like to say that it will improve, and I guess it will eventually, I know I want it to...but right now, it ain't happening.....I'm going to take the docs advice, little steps one at a time, small kindnesses and gradual improvement.... I can't give up on me yet, and I'm not planning on doing so.....it just feels like a huge job and my energy is low....but...as I said at the start - the only way is up...right?

I get knocked down, I get up again??????????????

Yeah, so...I had planned to blog about my weekend today (and don't worry, I shall share the gory details still) but sadly the DWP have decided that they're not quite finished in their attempts to make my life as difficult as possible, and so reared their collective, ugly heads today....so I do hope you're prepared for a long blog post....might want to get comfy, maybe make a cuppa and get a biscuit.....ok then, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin*

*bonus point for anyone who can tell me which show that originated from

Right...so.... As you know, I took part in the Great South Run 5k on Saturday....and I'm pleased to say that I did it in a time of 1 hour and 5 minutes, which is 10 minutes faster than my time for the Race for Life in June. I was the only one walking it, and so was at the back and last, all the way round. It was a bit embarrassing, being on my own like that...I felt very self conscious and a bit panicky but that did pass....After a while I found myself being looked after by the 'last runner' stewards...at all these races they have stewards on bikes who ride behind the last runner (or walker in my case), along with a paramedic...so I walked 5k accompanied by 4 lovely men, and yes I took the chance to tell them about Jack...so there's another reason why I didn't mind being last..... The weather was sunny but COLD...very very cold....It was lovely to be walking along the seafront in the sunshine but a bit more warmth wouldn't have gone amiss....Even walking steadily didn't keep me all that warm....however I was in awe of the stewards who had to stand still at points along the route, waiting for participants to come past so that they could direct them, and cheer them on.. The people who came to watch, and the stewards, were brilliant; cheering us on and clapping, encouraging everyone, including me. Hearing the applause, and the 'come on you can do it' was really good, it definitely helped me to keep going.... I was pleased (and relieved) to finish though, and I've got my medal and t-shirt to prove that I actually did it... I'm hoping that I'll be able to jog/run it next year...that's the plan anyway....

Once I'd finished, I cycled up to the Uni library to meet K, a friend who's doing the MA starting this year...I wanted to share my pearls of wisdom with her, and she'd promised me a cuppa and a mars bar....it was good to see her and I'm so glad she was there because at the end of our get together I had a funny turn....well, I nearly fainted...not good..apparently I turned a lovely shade of yellow... I'm not 100% sure what caused it, but I think it was a combination of dehydration (because it was so cold I'd not drunk as much water during the walk as I would have done otherwise), a virus (dodgy stomach the night before turned out not to be nerves) and being extremely cold....Anyway, my plans to attend my li'l friend N's 3rd birthday party that afternoon went out of the window, and I had to be taken home in a cab...A told me I looked like a ghost, then settled me on the sofa and headed of to party with N at Pirate Pete's....I sat on the sofa under 3 blankets and tried to warm up....it took me nearly 4 hours to do so....

Sunday was so much better, although I still felt a bit wobbly, I felt well enough to go over to J and L's for N's birthday...A and I had a lovely Sunday, eating a roast dinner and chilling out with friends... And then later on I found out that my cousin's wife, K, was going to be in Pompey today and made arrangements to meet up....all in all, I felt pretty good yesterday...not looking forward to having to go into the JobCentre today but apart from that, ok...I should have known.......

Anyway, remember how I said a couple of weeks ago, that it appeared my JSA issues were all resolved? Yeah, well...seems I underestimated the DWP's desire to screw with people's lives in a vain attempt to prove that they can deal with all them 'orrible scrounging benefit claimants....And today I found out that I was wrong in thinking it was sorted..because it is very far from being sorted......*takes deep breath*

I should have known it wasn't going to be good when my name was called by the same bitch (sorry mum) who I saw in June when I was originally denied my JSA....Wherever she has been in the meantime it hasn't done her any good, and she was as horrible today as she was back then...from the moment I went over she had a look on her face as though I was something she'd stepped in, and the only time she smiled was when she told me that I wouldn't be getting JSA anymore...oh yeah, she enjoyed telling me that.... Seems as though they've found two reasons to deny me now....she wasn't happy when I refused to accept what she was saying and (politely) asked to see someone else...apparently I was holding her up in her important work of spreading misery and despair amongst the unemployed of Pompey... Anyway, eventually I got to speak to someone who was, at least, polite and fairly kind. Now, and reasonably you may think (I do), the DWP don't allow people to miss many sign ons for sickness before they start asking questions...however, and unsurprisingly, they have made the regulations ridiculous and unfair .... basically each claimant is allowed 2 periods of sickness, of up to 14 days each, in any one year..once you have a third they close your claim...however the pertinent information is the 'two periods', not the number of days..and this means that I lose my JSA - Since January I have missed 2 sign ons (migraine) and one meeting with the work placement people (24 hour bug)....so that's 3 days in total.... please note that I could have had 28 days of sickness if I'd been so inclined, without losing JSA...but 3 individual instances, oh no, can't have that.....

Ok, I was thinking, they close my claim, they say I can reapply....but wait, not so fast, if I do that I still won't get JSA because even though I am now considered a p/t student by the Uni, in the eyes of the DWP I am still f/t....they seem to think that I'm lying, trying to pull a fast one.... The actual phrase they used was "just because Mrs Measures says she is a part time student, does not mean that this is the case"....yeah, they just called me a liar, albeit very subtly.... Needless to say I was really upset about all this, and to make matter worse A was with me (it's half term this week and he wanted to come into town with me)...bless his heart, he was a good boy, stayed calm and well behaved and gave me a cuddle when we left the JCP...  No matter what I said, the staff at the JCP just didn't give monkeys...I was told that their hands were tied, nothing they could do, that it didn't matter that I wouldn't have money to pay bills or feed A, or that I'd done everything I'd been asked to do....to make matters worse, it appears that they'd lost one of my sick forms, so I had to complete another one, and the advisor hinted to me that if I were to lie and say that two sickness instances were actually all one instance, then I wouldn't have my claim shut down.... Tempting for about, ooooh, a nanosecond...before I thought, no I've not lied to them, not going to start now and told him that.... He kept saying that the decision makers didn't have a choice, had to go by law but when I pointed out that I knew people in the same situation as me, who were allowed to claim, he then said that appeals can be made, and can change the rules - which puzzled me because then surely I wouldn't have this problem....none of this makes any sense, other than by accepting that as with all bureaucracies, it's a huge mess, no one wants to take responsibility or care, and the only way you get anything is by shouting the loudest....

I came out of the JCP feeling beaten down and dumped on...A brief browse in the library did help, and meeting up with K for lunch was just what I needed....for all the crap the DWP have put me through, I am so so lucky in having amazing friends and family...I'm really glad that my cousin S married K, cos she's a diamond and it was so fab that (coincidentally) I met up with her just after having such a bad morning...it was good to talk things through and to catch up generally... There is something about being with a friend who knows you, and who is trusted, it's so nice not to have to fake being happy or whatever....and interestingly, not having to fake it actually means it's often genuine happiness....if that makes sense... For all the horribleness of the morning, lunch definitely made up for it.....

Right now, I'm sitting on the sofa and my head still aches (and my eyes are still sore) from crying earlier....The fact is that I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed; I'm so fed up of fighting the DWP and I thought I'd just have to get the tribunal out of the way next week (7th) and it would be done, I thought that after my meeting with the manager a couple of weeks ago, that it was sorted from now on...and I was wrong...and the thought of having to fight again makes me feel sick and breathless..but I have no choice, and so I will.... Basically though I have realised that I am in no fit state to work at the moment. It's so hard, because it's all invisible in terms of symptoms, but I know that if I didn't have A, I would very likely not leave the house or interact with people (apart from maybe close friends)...I panic at the thought of having to go out (not agoraphobia), at having to talk to people and do new things...Uni work is different, it's solitary and the pressure is entirely self created...if I'm having a bad day then I can decide to take time off, to calm down etc., but with work - I can't do that...if A is having a bad time, then work will sack me. When he was excluded the other week, if I'd had a job then it scares me what would have happened... the pressure of a job and of dealing with A scares me silly, even just thinking now as I write, is making me breathless and nauseous. I am going to the doctors on Thursday for a follow up appointment and I'm planning on asking her to sign me off; if she does so then I will contact the DWP and go from there. If she doesn't then I shall wait for the outcome of the tribunal before deciding what to do next.

One thing has struck me through all of this; there is a deep seated belief (one which affects staff at the JCP/DWP as well), that benefit claimants are all lying, cheating, scrounging scum who could work, but don't and who can be looked down upon and judged....well, I grant you that there are some who are like that but they are the minority...most of them are like me, people who, for whatever reason, aren't working, who cannot survive without the support of benefits, and who are not living the highlife on £72 per week...sadly, the tabloid 'propaganda', repeated daily, seems to be influencing many people, people who are kind and caring in many other ways, and these people judge me every single day...they think I shouldn't get JSA, but they also would hold me wholly responsible for A's behaviour even if I'd been left with no choice but to leave him unsupervised whilst I worked, they think that I'm skiving on 'their' money, and that if only there were no benefit claimants we'd all be happy and have lots of money.... All I want to say is, that (like a kind of reverse lottery) it could be you in my position...there is no guarantee, especially these days, that jobs will last...maybe one day it will be you having to claim, being judged...people who claim benefits are like everyone else; there are nice ones and nasty ones, good ones and bad ones, normal ones and weirdos... I know that times are tough right now, no one has to point that out to me, but hating people on benefits doesn't help. The jobs are not there, not for everyone, not even for most people, the recession has seen to that; companies need to make profits and managers etc., won't employ staff if it means that profits (and thus their bonuses) will go down...fair enough you may think - but fewer people working means less tax being paid, and more going out in benefit support....which will eventually mean higher taxes..because however much the posho's in government hate the poor, they can't actually let them die because then people might think they were mean and not vote for them.... So rather than accusing the less well off of being jealous, of wanting everyone to be poor, why don't they create jobs? Why don't they get people into work, why don't they take a risk and maybe, they'll be the hero who begins the recovery...but I don't think they will, because (and maybe understandably) they don't want to lose money themselves, they'd rather keep their bonuses, than give someone else a job...maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm too cynical and too harsh but when you've been turned down for so many jobs (many of which have been filled internally, only advertised because they have to by law), it's so hard to take being judged....

Ok, I'm shutting up now.....

A long week.....

It's taken awhile for me to feel ready to blog again....last week was one of the hardest I've had for some time now and to be honest I did just want to hide away for a bit. Thursday and Friday were actually ok. Given that A was not at school, I decided to just get on with what I had planned, and to take him with me. This turned out to be a good thing, and we actually had a nice time together. Part of that was due to the fact that A always has a few days of calm, good behaviour after one of his 'outbursts', but part of it was just because (I think) we were both so shattered and numb after Tuesday and Wednesday, that we just didn't have the energy to fight. Whatever the reason, it was nice to spend some proper quality time with him, and for it not to end in him throwing a tantrum when he didn't get his own way. We also managed to have a few good chats, and I know that I felt better for it. 

When he left for his dads house on Saturday morning however, I did revert to hermit mode. The urge to just curl up and be alone was very strong and frankly I didn't feel much like resisting it. Apart from a phone call with my friend C, it was just me and the cats....Sunday was A's birthday but I only saw him for a few minutes as he was either at his dads or with friends....so another day of hermit-ing....

Monday meant I had to surface, as we had a meeting at the school re A...we were able to put our concerns across, and I did feel as though they are taking A's behaviour seriously. The school has 4 levels of behaviour monitoring and A has gone from level 1 to level 3 in one go; if he gets to level four then he is at a high risk of being expelled...so this is very serious. He has been put on report, which means that he has to attend his lessons, do as he's told and get a slip signed by each of his teachers; if he does this and fulfils the requirements (so no walking out of class, being late or being rude) then he will get 3 merit points at school (not 100% sure what the merit points mean but A was pleased about the reward), and he will get 1 hour on the laptop or PS3 at home. So far he managed a good first day, not so good yesterday (2 internal exclusions *sigh*), and a good day today. I have to go back at the end of the week after half term to discuss his progress....so we will see. 

Then it was back to hermit mode, enlivened by a thorough cleaning of the bathroom - until the bleach smell gave me a headache...lol....I surfaced again yesterday evening in order to go into Uni and meet up with my friends...for various reasons I wanted to stay in, but I made myself go...and I'm glad I did...although I did have a couple of annoying experiences..... Firstly some total and utter moron drove 'into' me; I was waiting to cross the road, and he was parked next to where I was (facing against the flow of traffic)...he clearly wanted to move but I was blocking him in (and traffic was coming past anyway), so he beeped and swore at me; I stepped a bit further forward at which point he reversed and scraped along the back of my legs! Luckily he was going very slowly, I was wearing jeans and he didn't catch my feet...he then swore at me a bit more before flooring it out into the traffic (without looking) and nearly stacking it into another car whose poor driver was just driving along not expecting said moron to pull out into her lane...poor woman.... I was rather shaken up, and very angry...I wanted to haul him out of the car and punch his stupid face in...mainly because he'd scared me...but also because it wouldn't have hurt him to wait, and because I can guarantee that he was 100% certain that he was in the right, that I should have got out of his way, that I was a stupid little girl...people like that scare me and annoy me, you can't reason with them and it's not good to encounter them, especially when they're at the wheel of a big car....

Meeting up with my friends did cheer me up though, as did the nice cuppa I had....we adjourned to the pub and met up with my friend's stepson....I wasn't sure if I'd stay, given how hermit like I'd felt recently, but I'm glad I did...it was good to be out, chatting and being 'normal'.... Mind you, my good mood kinda evaporated when I ran to get the bus only for the driver to pull away (despite having seen me running)....I don't regret wishing that he'd be struck by a suppurating boil on his backside, one which resisted treatment for 6 months...as I said, don't annoy the fat girl running for the bus... lol

Speaking of 'fat', things on that front are going ok....I've been keeping up the walking, altho not cycling as much; mainly because of the weather... I'm doing the Great South Run, 5k and walking it, this Saturday at 10:30am (starting by the D-Day museum in Southsea if anyone is local and wants to come and cheer me on)...I'm doing it for Jack Marshall's fund (www.jacksfund.co.uk) and sponsorship will be gratefully received.... I'm alternating between fear and excitement....mostly I can't wait to get going, I'm excited about doing it and raising funds and awareness about brain tumours and about walking along a lovely course....but I'm also nervous, because my knee has been very painful recently and I don't want to fail, to let Jack and his family, and my lovely friends and family, down....Having said that, the pain has been mainly when I've been standing for a while, and I'm hopeful that walking will not be too bad - it hasn't been recently....and whatever happens I shall go and I shall finish it....

I'm sticking to the diet, and am finding that I'm not even tempted by chocolate now...wish I'd felt like that a long time ago....I've craved ice cream a couple of times, but have resisted the urge to buy any, and so have been alright on that front.... I've also started distracting myself when I feel hungry, just in case it's boredom (or thirst) instead of hunger....as a result I've done stuff round the house, and am working hard on my dissertation - all good and definite progress in terms of me and my ability to get myself motivated....

I had my last CBT session today....it was really useful - some of the suggestions for change may seem obvious, but the fact that it's part of a session where I get to talk and discuss things helps round them out...if that makes sense...so the idea of having a timetable for the week may seem simple, but when I would talk through each day with D, I'd end up planning things in a different order, or emphasising some things over others...which helped me to realise which things were triggers, or were rewards.... I'm on the waiting list for counselling, but it could be up to 6 months...I know I need to go, because D wasn't there for talking so much as for practical help...and although he has helped, I know I'm far from better...I'll go back for a follow up session in 4 weeks, but I have the skills I need to cope, I just need to use them, but also to not beat myself up when I fail....so we'll see....

So that's where I am, where we are..... I'm still relieved when I can go back to the house and be by myself...that's not to say that I don't enjoy seeing my friends, because I totally do.. I love it, I wouldn't go out otherwise...but I still have an urge to be at home... I'm ok going out, I don't have to force myself, well not all the time, but I do heave a sigh of relief when I'm in and the door is shut.... I want to see my friends, to go out and catch up etc., but I also enjoy coming back home.... I'm definitely still uncomfortable when I have to be in situation where I don't know people, that's still very hard for me to do...I struggle to make myself go then...even when I want to go and I'm looking forward to it, that part of me which thinks I'm useless will speak up and tell me that I'll make an idiot of myself and that I shouldn't go...needless to say, I try not to listen to it and when I overcome it, I'm pleased...but it's still hard.... so friends of mine, please know that I always want to come out and see you...sometimes it's just harder to go out than others, but it's never ever about you, only about me and my stupid thoughts......

Time to go and curl up in bed..... :) 

Falling down, getting up

Well. So. Yeah. Since my last entry things have been difficult to say the least.....I do hope you're ready for a mammoth update because I need to vent it all out....

Firstly the Camhs appointment; I may have been hoping for a bit too much from that....well, actually, I was hoping for too much from it. I really thought that maybe we'd be given a solution, that help would be forthcoming. But, sadly not. The upshot of the meeting was that altho A will be tested for ADHD she is doubtful that he is far enough along the spectrum for help to be available. Even if he was to be eligible for that help, it is not as comprehensive as I'd hoped. It appears as though A falls between two areas; he does not have a mental health issue (so Camhs can do nothing) and he very likely is not affected by a spectrum disorder. Fundamentally we are on our own, at least from an official point of view. The letdown from that meeting lasted a long time. As did the fact that she told me how concerned she was that A is becoming dependent on Camhs, in that he (in her view) plays up to get a Camhs appointment...she fears that he is suffering 'learned helplessness', that he sees Camhs as the solution every time. He was certainly upset when he realised that he wouldn't be going back, wouldn't be having his own appointments. Time will tell whether or not we will get help, but I'm feeling very down about the whole thing. I feel as though because A is not a typical case, for either mental health or any other help, he is falling through the cracks and I don't know what to do now. I'm angry, because he clearly needs help, he is crying out for help, and yet it feels as though they're using the excuse of him not fitting a category in order to deny him help. It's very frustrating and infuriating...I know that funding is an issue, but it feels wrong to me, that children can be written off and denied help like this. I can't do this on my own, I need official help, and so does A, but we're not getting it...and I'm scared and angry....

The afternoon brought some better news on the JSA front....I went into the job-centre and finally spoke to people who were a) competent and b) nice. To cut a very long story short, I now have the money owed to me from the 20th August onwards, and should be receiving JSA from now on. The reason I hadn't been getting that money? Well, incompetence and farce really.....when the original suspension was applied to my account the code used was basically made up. When they then updated my claim, instead of noting and sorting out the problem then, they simply set up and updated a new suspension....still with me??? Good....the original (incorrect) suspension remained on there, and this blocked payments - it also explains why nobody knew why the claim was still suspended...because the coding was totally wrong. As a result it took several people, a very long time going through all the codes in a vain attempt to cancel the original suspension....in the end they had to shut my claim down, and then pay me clerically...fingers crossed the claim has been reset ok, and I won't have further problems....

Tuesday night was horrific.....I'm not particularly proud of my actions and I hope you'll understand why I'm not willing to give more details here...Suffice it to say that A and I got into a knock-down, drag out fight when I finally snapped, fed up of being spoken to as though I was something he had trodden in. The end result was that A ran from the house at 10:30pm, the police were called and fortunately they found him..although it took an hour. He went to P's house, and I calmed down eventually. I'm not sure whether Tuesday night impacted on what happened at school on Wednesday, but it wouldn't surprise me. At 3pm Phil texted me to say that the school had rung him and said A was behaving badly. I rang, and spoke to a teacher who told me that A had been sent to IE, had refused to go and had then spent the next 2 hours running round school, jumping over furniture and shouting and swearing - all the while being chased by 3 teachers. They had finally managed to get him under control and, needless to say, they were furious.. I was as well, along with being embarrassed. They rang later and said that he was excluded from school for two days (today and tomorrow)....

Phil and I spent a long time talking to A last night, as we have done so many times before...We will have to take him into school for 11am on Monday, at which point we will all meet with his head of year etc., and hopefully get some sort of resolution...

Right now, I'm feeling numb....no matter what P and I do, and I'm sure that there is more we could do, A just carries on. The bullying is not helping, but because of the way A is behaving, the school is less sympathetic about that than we would like. It's a huge stinky mess and I hate it. I'm so angry that we're being left to deal with this alone, that they're ready to condemn him but the official help is not there. He has contact with MABS but that is clearly not enough and I know that help is out there - it's a matter of knowing the right words to say to get it.

So that's where we are.. I'm still trying to work things out in my head, and to understand what I need to do next. Feeling angry and helpless and trying to work through that as well. Confusion reigns I'm afraid, and I apologise for this....I just needed to get it all out on paper (screen?) and hopefully this will help...

Fun weekend....

First of all, a couple of corrections from the last entry.....I have been reminded that A is not the first great-grandchild to overtake my Nan in height, of course my cousin T's children have already done so...apologies and all that.....and I have also been asked to point out (emphatically, I believe) that even without the aid of high heels Auntie L is *still* taller than A...just....as I said to him, it won't be long before he's taller than all of us (well most of us...).....

So yeah, the weekend....it was good.....The train journey up was suitable stressful, well the first part was anyway - the gap between trains in Southampton is always tight, this time it was positively squeaky as there had been a signalling problem near London (or as Uncle A said, some toe-rag had nicked the signal wires)...for once I was grateful that the train up to Brum was also delayed....anyway, we made it... Even managed a nice relaxing evening.... Saturday morning was spent with A buying some helium balloons to release in remembrance of Jackamo...we attached notes to them, giving the website and asking people to check it out....then we went outside and sent them up into the sky....it was emotional, as was reading the FB page wall...so many people who have been affected by Jack....

One good thing about my parents moving up to Birmingham is that when we go up to visit, we get to see other family members....there were 11 of us at lunch on Saturday and it was fantastic to see everyone...I love my family dearly, and wish I lived closer - it would be lovely to see them more often....I have to admit that there are times when I seriously consider moving up to Brum - only the fact that A's dad lives down here stops me....Anyway, the time I spent with them on Saturday was a tonic...lots of laughter.... My cousin is getting married next year, and I can't wait...especially now I've seen a pic of the location (and heard more of the plans) - don't want to give anything away but suffice it to say that it should be a wonderful day....

When everyone had left, I curled up on the sofa with a book...and promptly fell asleep....well, I was tired....whilst I was asleep my darling dad, encouraged by my beloved son, took a picture of me and then posted it on FB...thanks Dad....I will get you back, when you least expect it *evil grin* ... Saturday evening was lovely, mum, dad and A played board games, whilst I chilled out, then dad put some Buddy Holly on (love Buddy Holly) and we all chilled...was so relaxing and so nice just to be together and ok.... sadly, the chilled out feeling didn't last as later on, when A and I had gone to bed he spotted a spider on his duvet and practically leapt across both beds screaming - the spider ended up being flung against the opposite wall....as you may gather both A and *hate* spiders....so the ol' heart was going like the clappers for quite a while - it took me ages to get to sleep.....and I kept thinking I had spiders crawling on me...sigh

Sunday meant travelling home again, albeit after a bit more time with mum and dad....the journey home wasn't too bad, but both A and I were exhausted and in bed at 9pm....yawn.....

Which brings me to today....and another soul destroying experience with the Jobcentre...signing on went ok (although they seemed to be slightly confused and somewhat peeved by the fact that I was early)...but then I asked about why my JSA was still suspended...and promptly descended down the rabbit hole...first of all I was told (surprise surprise) that the people at the call centre should have been able to tell me what was going on....then he decided that I'd have to speak to someone else, three desks along....she looked up various things on her computer and noted that I'd missed a meeting at Maximus (work program people), which I had but which I'd already sorted; I'd also missed a sign on, but for some bizarre reason they had it down as 1st October...when I pointed out to her that I'd signed on that day (showed her the signature etc.) she didn't seem too bothered...which annoyed me, I know what they're like - once it's on their computer system, it's true whether it bears any resemblance to reality or not... I foresee problems ahead regarding that, but maybe I'll be wrong... Anyway, cutting a very long story short - it seems that I needed to see a man who wasn't in today (gasps with shock), so I have to go back tomorrow at 2pm....I wasn't at all shocked to be told that he should have contacted me several weeks ago - but hasn't.... So, it's back down the rabbit hole tomorrow.... fingers crossed that I'll get somewhere....if not I'm contacting my MP and the CAB...

Tomorrow is a big day - A has his Camhs appointment at 10am...and it's really needed...His behaviour at school has deteriorated massively... I had a long talk with him at the weekend, a good talk because he was calm and listened and asked intelligent questions..I hoped that what I'd said had sunk in, but it seems that it hasn't...He was sent out of class for being rude to the teacher, then when he was in IE he ended up telling the teacher in charge that he was "well harsh", as well as swearing and throwing books around - upshot is, he's in IE all day tomorrow, although I'm not sure what time he'll get into school....sigh sigh sigh....  The school rung A's dad, not sure why they didn't ring me, but there you go... Anyway, when A got home, I let him know that I knew, but I was calm about it...until he told me what he'd said to the teacher in IE - then I just couldn't believe how stupid he'd been,...what did he think would happen when he said that??? He seems to have no conception of the consequences of his words, it's as if the fact that he thinks it, is enough to make it ok to say....you can tell him that it's wrong, and he'll get that but when it comes to the situations, he just doesn't seem to engage that internal filter we all have, which stops us saying stupid/rude things....his attitude is that, well the teacher was (in his opinion) being harsh, so he told him so...as if that was a totally reasonable thing to do.... I was so stunned I just told him how stupid that was, that he's a clever boy and he should know better... Fingers crossed that Camhs have something to help us...I don't know how much more of this I can take...he will be expelled at this rate.... Thankfully his behaviour at home has been ok, but he's been having more of the hyper episodes, where he will behave hysterically and repetitively - talking in silly voices, bouncing around, throwing things - all in a repetitive, compulsive way.... it's weird and very frustrating as I just have to let him get bored and tired, he won't stop otherwise..it's as if he's drunk (he's not)... There's a lot riding on this Camhs appointment tomorrow....

So there we are....big day tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.....

Family time..... :)

First of all an apology for my outburst on the last entry, I was (as you may have guessed) seriously cheesed off with the DWP/JSA people...but I have to say that I did feel better for venting... Wednesday morning saw me doing much the same thing in my appointment with Dave (my CBT therapist)...he was, infuriatingly, calm about it but what he said did make sense; there is very little I can do to influence this, so I do have to just let it go to an extent.... Having said that, I got home to find a letter from the tribunal service which promptly sent me through the roof again....oh dear....it seems that they have been making rather a lot of these punitive decisions recently, and therefore are having to have a correspondingly large number of tribunals....as a result it will take at least 11, and up to 15, weeks for me to get an tribunal appointment...sigh....and to make matters even more, um, interesting (and to cement my lack of faith in their ability to do anything right) they addressed the letter to Mrs N Easter...yes, that's right, some moron read my middle name (Esther) as Easter and decided to ignore my surname....I suppose I should be grateful that they had the rest of my info (NI number etc) correct.... Anyway, I have returned the letter confirming that yes I do wish to go to a tribunal, and I am now waiting (but not holding my breath) for a reply.....let's hope it's sometime this millenium....

I'm writing this, sat up in bed at my parents house, with A curled up asleep in the other single bed...no he's not snoring, at least not yet... We've come up for the weekend, and I'm really happy to be here. Apart from getting to see my parents for the first time in ages, tomorrow I get to see my Nan, two sets of Aunt/Uncle and my cousin and her fiance...woohoo..... I can't wait...It was my Nan's birthday today (92 years young) and I don't get to see her as much as I'd like. A loves seeing her as well, although given his enthusiasm for measuring his height against hers, she may not enjoy it as much...lol....in fact my Aunt will also have to put up with A comparing height with her...and I have a feeling that, given how much he has grown recently, for the first time Nan will have a great grandchild who is taller than her...as for Auntie L, well we shall see but she may want to wear some high heels..... ;-)

Tomorrow promises to be a good day in many ways, but it will also be tinged with sadness...it will be one year since Jack Marshall passed away, and more than ever he, and his family, are on my mind. A and I plan to get some balloons, and as it becoming traditional with Jack's Army, we will send them off, flying high... It is important to me to mark this day, to show that Jack is not forgotten...I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, or sibling, and so I have no idea how his parents and brother are feeling right now.....Emptiness, sadness, a feeling of anger that the world is such a cruel place....that's what's in my mind. I can't believe it's been a year...when I look at the pictures of Jack, I see a child who even in the depths of treatment, was so alive, so full of joy and giggles, and so so caring...he always smiled, he sang and danced and ran, even when he was having chemo, he laughed heartily, and most of all he loved...the love and happiness which Jack and his family shared is tangible in the photos... I've said many times that Jack is my hero and inspiration; he really and truly is.... He was 4 when he was diagnosed, and from then until he passed away he went through some really hard treatments, treatments which would, and do, floor adults, and which I can't imagine tolerating as well as he did...It would have been understandable if Jack had been sad, or angry...but he wasn't....he'd sing, even after coming out of serious operations, he'd run and giggle, he'd smile, he enjoyed watching football, eating milky bars, being with his family....even at the end, when he couldn't do as much as he used to, his eyes still smiled, and he still showed his love.... Jack reminds me everyday that just because life throws crap at me, I don't have to give up...that more than anything else has kept me going at times...I've felt sorry for myself, but I see my pics of Jack smiling and I think, if he could do that when he was having chemo, then I can do it too.... It's hugely unfair that Jack didn't get to live, didn't get to grow up and do all the things we take for granted; it's horrible that his parents and brother had to say goodbye, and have to live without him, in fact it's more than horrible, it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone....but his spirit is definitely living on; in the way he inspires people to go out and raise awareness, but also in the way in which many in Jack's Army lead day to day lives... To me, Jack deserves to be remembered, and honoured - he was an amazingly brave and caring child, and his legacy is definitely living on....

This week is a painful one; remembering Harry Mosely on the 8th, Jackamo on the 13th and then my friends dad on the 14th... They're missed, remembered, and loved...always.....

Autumn, and other things

As my li'l hero, Jack Marshall, would put it - it's been a bit rar rar rar recently (that's cold, by the way)....Autumn has most definitely arrived; bringing with it wind, rain, and shivers...how nice...well actually it would be, if only I didn't have to go out in the rain, lol.. I'm quite happy to be curled up, in the warm, with the cats and A and a good book, whilst the rain pours down outside....but life is full of fun times and that includes having to go out in the rain... At least going out, means ultimately coming back in again - and that means being able to look forward to getting warm and dry.... ahh now that's bliss.... I love that advert on the telly, for tea (Jonny Vegas and the monkey?) where they come in from the wet and warm up with a cuppa - that's my idea of a nice winter afternoon..

So, anyway, apart from my minor obsession with the weather, things have been alright recently....well mostly.... I've made a start on my dissertation, and have an appointment with my supervisor tomorrow - at which point I should have a better idea about what I need to do next, and what the timescale will be. Today I met up with my MA colleagues at Uni, which was great...we've decided to meet every two weeks, as we don't have any official meetings this year and we all know we need as much support and encouragement as possible. I'm remarkably calm about this whole dissertation business, well I am at the moment anyway. I think that's because I'm back in control, and am gradually getting my enthusiasm back...I feel more able to cope with the work, which is obviously good, and the fact that I have about 11 months before the deadline, is probably influencing my calm state of mind...having said that, I know that this time will pass quickly, and so I'm planning on setting myself some deadlines so that I don't lose focus..... I'm really glad that I've got a good set of friends doing the dissertation at the same time, because I know we're all going to be able to help each other, and for me, that extra encouragement will probably be vital.

Physically, things haven't been great recently....I'm feeling rather run down, and have the mouth ulcers to prove it.....Naturally at the start of term, all the kids come back and share their bugs around, and then bring them home to mum .... so both A and I have been fighting off a cold/virus for the last week or so, and both of us are fed up of it...to give A credit, he hasn't stayed off school, and both of us have kept going, but I think I speak for both of us when I say that we'd rather we could curl up in bed and sleep for a week....ah well...

One side effect of not feeling well is that we both have very short fuses - it's probably to our credit that we've only had one big argument, and A has done enormously well to control himself - previously he would have exploded and we'd have had ructions...as it is, he has managed to keep himself in check, when he's at home at least...School is another matter, and I fear that things will come to head on that front...I just hope that the Camhs appointment (which is next Wednesday) will help before things go too far.. I'm just holding my breath, and hoping that nothing too bad happens....It appears that A will control himself either at home or at school - but not both at the moment....and as nice as it is not to have him going for me, I hate that he is misbehaving at school...it's almost too hard to think about, worrying about the consequences and dreading a phone call to say he's been excluded... He doesn't seem to be too bothered, and that's not in an arrogant, 'I don't care' way, it's almost as if he doesn't realise the consequences of his behaviour (and yes he's been told), as if it's not real to him...I can't explain it (and I'm not excusing him) but he's not uncaring about the outcome, it's that he's just really calm about the whole thing - he doesn't always want to tell me what's happened but again, that seems to be more because he doesn't see why I'm interested....it's very strange, and worrying...

Having had a few weeks where I have felt ok, even happy at times, the last few days have been tough...nothing bad has happened, but my fears/anxieties have been to the fore again. I'm feeling stressed, and things have been getting to me....for example, small things such as my laptop battery being broken, have become a huge worry...likewise the ongoing saga of my JSA is really getting me down... I had the official paperwork through today, and although I haven't looked at it in detail, I did read the decision - which was 'favourable but not allowed'....now how does that make sense, how can they agree with me but not allow the appeal? I just feel defeated, really defeated... I did everything asked of me, I was honest, I told them every minor change in my circumstances, and I just feel as though they're kicking me in the teeth.... The money I get for JSA is £71 per week, not a small fortune I think you'll agree, but it makes all the difference to me. Without it I can't pay my bills or buy food for A and I...and what gets me the most is that sheer lack of empathy or any kind of caring from the DWP.... How do they expect us to live? It's this which upsets me the most, this total lack of any humanity from them...they stop my JSA, and they don't care, and they don't have to care, nobody is going to make them care, nobody is going to hold them to account, nobody is going to fight them (well apart from me), and I'm so angry and fed up with this situation.... If I didn't have so many kind family members (and friends), A and I would be starving and on the streets by now - and no, that's not an exaggeration.... I literally cannot live without JSA... I'm looking for jobs every day, but no luck so far - there aren't enough jobs for everyone, and I'm not a good candidate - I've not worked since 2005, and I have a degree and am doing an MA - so basically I'm either over qualified, or under qualified... go figure... So on top of the DWP dumping on me, I've got the depressing realisation that Argos/Boots/Tescos don't want to employ me to work on the tills....despite the fact that it would be a great job for me, and the fact that I would work hard, as far as they're concerned, I'm not suitable.... So the DWP take my JSA away, even though I've fulfilled all the requirements, and companies won't employ me - I can't even get past the initial online applications.... The thing with the DWP is that they're being deliberately awkward in the hope that I'll give up and go away, so I have to go through all this stress because they don't want to make a decision until they're forced to do so....how is that right? I don't know how long it will be before I get a tribunal date, and frankly the longer it goes on, the less able to cope I am....I just want it over, and sorted. I hate that they can do this to me. I know that people con them, but they can easily see that I'm not doing that...I've signed on, looked for work (still looking), and have been honest with them - but on a technicality, they're denying me the money which A and I need to survive...how is that right? Surely it should be resolved quicker, and with less stress...but the thing is that people on benefits are despised these days, looked down upon, viewed as scrounging scum, and so it's easy for the DWP to treat me like this...because who really cares? Who's going to stand up and shame them? And so I stay worrying, stressed, anxious and panicky, and they stay in their offices with no clue of how it really is, and people who look down on benefit claimants stay in their lives with their jobs and have no idea of how lucky they are.....

Sorry it's been such a downer of an entry, but I'm really really fed up and angry....and I can't hide it tonight....I tried, but I can't.... I know I'm lucky in so many ways, I know that...but right now, with this JSA/DWP mess hanging over me, I just feel tired and stressed and so very very fed up.....