The only way is up?

So....Monday was a pretty horrible day (well apart from seeing the lovely K that is).....In fact this whole week has been pretty crappy... I can't even remember what I did on Tuesday, I think I slept but apart from that it's all a dull blur.... Wednesday wasn't much better... A and I did go into Waterlooville and it was good to get out of the house.... But as if all the hassle with the DWP wasn't enough, the energy company caught up with me this week.... I'm not the best at remembering to pay bills, and when I can't afford to pay them it doesn't help...sadly I let it go a bit too far, and very nearly ended up having the door kicked in by bailiffs....thankfully it has been resolved now, but it's been a reminder that I have to stay on top of things, no matter how hard it may be to do so. Gas and electric are a huge problem; I use as little of each as possible and yet it still costs me £75 per month (joint bills)....And that's with not having the heating on, and keeping the telly and lights off as much as possible... It does make me angry to think that, if they so choose, the executives of these companies could absorb price rises in their huge bonuses instead of passing it on to the customer... When you're sitting in the cold, wearing two jumpers and three pairs of socks rather than putting the heating on, it is a little hard to stomach the massive amounts of money which are being made in profits..... When I have A with me, I have to put the heating on because of his asthma (if he gets cold he will have an asthma attack) and nothing is more important to me than his health but I'd be lying if I said that I don't panic about the cost....and I hate that...

I did make it to the doctors on Thursday, and once there I did kinda fall apart....I was intending to be strong, and stay calm but that lasted all of a minute...just telling her what had been going on and how bad I felt was too much, so I turned into a snot monster....am sure she loved that....to be fair she was fab, and it's just my luck that it was her last day at that surgery....pity, because I trust her and it would have been great if I could have stayed seeing her.....anyway, she has signed me off for a month..which is great as it means I don't have to think about job hunting..however already my brain is telling me that in a month I'll have to start hunting again and the panic then sets in.

I'm not thinking straight at all at the moment. Part of that is the streaming cold I've come down with, but most of it is anxiety/depression related....I feel ridiculous and useless and a total failure. My stomach churns and hurts, I keep twitching and fidgeting, my head feels like it's full of cotton wool, I ache all over and I'm so tense all the time....inside I have this sick feeling, sinking, churning, sad and constant....I don't want to leave the house, although apart from today I have managed to make myself do so. I read, and I sleep. I make lunch and dinner because I do feel hungry, even if I don't feel like eating..I feed the cats and fuss them; my kitties have been brilliant, I swear they know something is wrong, when I sit on the sofa, or in bed, they come and snuggle close to me, sleeping right up next to me..it's a comfort.... A has also been good, although he hasn't been around much - being out with his friends.... when he has been here he has been very caring, which I appreciate.. The worst thing about all of this is the impact it's having on him; he knows, because he was there on Monday, that money is a problem and on Wednesday he broke down in tears, worried about how we would survive. I told him that, no matter what, he would never be without clothes on his back, food in his belly and a roof over his head, that friends and family would see to that and that he shouldn't worry. Easy for me to say...because he will worry, and I hate that. He did believe me, but I fear that his worries will fester away.... I try to protect him, but he knows about my anxiety/depression, and it bothers me....I feel like I've failed him, I should protect him better, I should be able to cope, and the more I can't cope, the worse it is.

At the moment I'm hibernating....facing people, even friends, is more than I can do..and I know that makes me horrible and I'm sorry....my mum is the only person I can really talk to at the moment, she's coming down next week as I've got the JSA tribunal on Wednesday...I'm so glad she's coming...I think otherwise I'd not see another person, apart from A, all week - all by my choice I add...see it's easy when I can stay in, read, do MA work (when I feel up to it), sleep, try not to think etc., well not easy, but easier than it is facing people and being useless at talking to them or whatever....conversation is almost beyond me at the moment, it all just such an effort..... and do you know, I don't even have a good reason for feeling like this....I've not lost anyone, I've not had anything really bad happen to me... I should be happy, but I'm not. And that more than anything makes me feel like a failure, like people should hate me because they have a reason for feeling like this and I don't, and so by feeling this way I'm being selfish and stupid....

so folks, that was a brief glimpse inside my brain...what a mess....I'd like to say that it will improve, and I guess it will eventually, I know I want it to...but right now, it ain't happening.....I'm going to take the docs advice, little steps one at a time, small kindnesses and gradual improvement.... I can't give up on me yet, and I'm not planning on doing so.....it just feels like a huge job and my energy is low....but...as I said at the start - the only way is up...right?