life is a roller-coaster....

[yes, I really have been reduced to quoting Ronan Keating songs...I'm really very sorry about this, it won't happen again....I promise]

so.....last Wednesday was not such a good day for me. You may have noticed. However, and I realise that this is no consolation for those of you who read my misery-fest, getting it all out did help me... Because on Thursday I actually managed to get my act together, just a tiny bit, and faced up to some things which have been panicking me. Stupid little things. But, as is often the case, these little things had become huge problems for me....only now they aren't...not any more.... oh no.. I was a big brave girlie.. yay me...lol.... So what was it that scared me so much....well...see... I kinda forgot to renew my university library books, well one of them...and then that meant I couldn't renew the rest...and that meant that I was racking up fines (let's just not go there re the whole 'why didn't I just go in and take them back - I don't know...and 3 days of asking myself that question hasn't produced an answer..)....and the longer it went on, the more scared I got that the fines were now un-affordable...because the uni library does charge a lot (or so I thought) for overdue books..... Anyway, last Thursday I decided that, whilst my courage didn't extend to actually going into the library and finding out the situation, I could cope with emailing them. So I did. And my courage (ha) was rewarded because not only did the nice people at the library renew my books, but my fines weren't £50 as I'd feared, but £9.80....which I have now paid....... whoop and indeed whoop....

So, the other issue which was becoming a massive problem for me, was that the longer I went without doing any work on my MA, the harder it got to pick up the pen and book again....it wasn't that I didn't want to do it, I'd just got myself so tangled up in fear over the library book situation, and over the fact that I'd not been working as much as I thought I should, that it stopped me from actually getting on with it....but once I'd sorted out the library books, I did start to feel better and lo and behold I was able to get on with taking notes...and I have since managed to get properly back into it. So again, yay... I'm still behind in terms of the timescale provisionally agreed with my supervisor, but I'm pretty sure (fingers crossed) that it isn't a major issue. The main thing is that I'm back working again, and the fear over completing the MA has dissipated...

Anyway, apart from that things have been very up and down. I'm still fighting the urge to just stay in bed, or even to go back to bed once I'm up. I had a long chat with my mum (well actually several long chats), and one of the things we talked about was whether I should give up the MA for now, in order to allow myself to get fully better...but, as I said to her, I'm pretty sure that were I to stop the MA, I'd end up staying in bed. Apart from when I have A that is. At the moment, working on the MA means that I do feel as though I'm achieving something, even if it's something small; and the feeling of failure when I don't work on it, is small compared to how lousy I'd feel if I had nothing to do. I just know that, without the MA, I'd have nothing to aim for, and I'd spend the whole day doing nothing, and hating myself for it. So at the very least, I shall finish the MA. What will happen re the PhD is another matter and one which, thankfully, I can put off thinking about for a couple of months....

I'm almost used to my feelings, the nausea, emptiness, sadness, lump in throat, churning stomach etc, being so changeable. I can wake up, feeling relatively positive and then for no reason, or none that I can figure out anyway, be plunged into feeling down and lousy.....I know that certain situations can trigger it, but sometimes it just happens for no reason....it's very frustrating because I hate feeling like this, and if I could tell what triggered it, maybe I could stop it, or do something to change it. I'm hoping that when I [finally] reach the top of the list for counselling, I'm able to work with someone who can help me with this. Because the despair is not a constant companion; I'm capable of feeling happy - for example, last Thursday I was walking back from the local shops when a friend (S) drove past, and as she was dropping someone off in my road, we were able to have a quick catch up...and I was just so so pleased to see her, my friend who is there for me, no matter the fact that sometimes I don't contact her for a while...

Other things which make me happy [in no particular order] - spending time with A, when he is calm and happy, and we're just hanging out together enjoying ourselves; getting into a good book, losing myself in the story; finding a particularly good quote or argument for my MA dissertation; having snuggles with my kitties, especially when purdy and molly cat come and sleep on my bed, up close to me as though they are protecting me; finding a new author, and thus a new set of books to get my teeth into; fundraising and raising awareness for the Jack Marshall Brain Tumour Fund, Jackamo is always my hero and inspiration; feeling a sense of achievement when I've completed a task, even if it is only doing the laundry or the washing up; being with my friends and family (both on and offline).

All of those things help - sometimes it's total happiness, other times it's more about minimising the fear and turmoil inside me...but I'm trying hard to recognise the good times, and to remember them when times are harder...because it's all about keeping my head above water at the moment.

Now, it's occurred to me that this blog is rather one sided..it's all about me....and I love that you all read it, and I appreciate all the comments I get...but I did want to say that if anyone wants to share anything, privately or openly, then please feel free.....I don't know, maybe we can help each other.... I can't be the only one who feels like this, and I know that writing this has helped me.... I say stuff on here which I'd never say face to face, and people know more about me due to this blog, than they would otherwise...and that's a good thing..it's helping me to be more open in 'real' life as well.... I'm pretty sure that I'd be far more isolated and lonely without this blog, and that my mind would be in a greater tangle than it is, if I hadn't been able to work out my thoughts and feelings here..... you don't have to comment, but you're welcome to do so... the floor is yours, people :)

oops.....

So I realised that I haven't posted for a while...sorry about that..unless you liked the peace and quiet, in which case I'm sorry for disturbing you ;)

I've just not felt much like talking, or doing anything really...but today I've really made an effort to get on and do things and in that spirit I thought I'd blog.....

The last week has been a tricky one, after last Wednesday I've been feeling particularly at a loss for motivation. I have to admit that I've let things drift, and haven't got on with Uni work at all....which has increased my feelings of guilt. So yeah, not good.... Mind you, today has been better, on that front at least.... The nice postman delivered 3 important bits of post; the tribunal decision, the letter from Atos regarding my claim for ESA and the DWP request for my sick-note. So instead of putting it all to one side and ignoring it until the guilt kicked in, I cracked on and completed the Atos questionnaire. I'm kinda glad that I started it without thinking, and without reading ahead, because it was a hard one to complete. Not that the questions were horrible or unreasonable, but I had to give details and information about how my depression and anxiety impact on my life, and how it makes me feel....that was tough, and scary, because I've never really sat down and thought about all the things this horrible illness does to me - until now....when I had to write it down, then it made it even more real and I realised just how much this stupid thing is changing my life. I'm pretty sure that I probably forgot to mention something relevant, and I'm kinda worried that my answers were a tad incoherent but there you go.... I completed it, and A posted it for me.... so all I can do now is wait.... I'm not expecting Atos to be sympathetic in any way, my dad told me last week about a friend of his who is clearly unwell and unable to work (I can't remember the details but it was something serious and obvious, such as a stroke), and who was informed by Atos that he was fit to work.... I'm not going on an anti-Atos rant now, I don't have the energy, but I'm fully prepared to be knocked back by them... why would they believe me when they don't believe people who have obvious illnesses...

I've also managed to do some more reading for my dissertation....it's weird...when I think about working on my dissertation, I get very anxious and fearful that I won't be able to do it...but when I actually do the reading, I'm ok....well sort of...I still feel bad, but I can get on with it. However, it is getting harder and harder to work on Uni stuff and it's painful to admit but I'm not sure I can do it. It's not that I don't want to, because I really do...but the anxiety is so bad that it's affecting this now.... It's really hard to explain, because the thought of not completing the MA makes me want to cry, but at the same time I'm finding it harder and harder to do the work, because my anxiety kicks in and I panic and feel as though I'm failing. I'm not sure what to do now... Part of me wants to just keep going but the panic is there and that part of me wants to stop, and not to have to think about it any more. I don't want to give up, I don't want to give in to this stupid illness, but I'm also so very very tired of feeling so panicky and sick and tired all the time. The urge to just stay in bed is overwhelming....if I didn't have A then I would probably give in. I want to give in so much....but instead I make myself carry on, as much as I can, and fight the feelings and try to be normal... To give up my MA was feel like total and complete failure, and I'm pretty sure I'd hate myself even more than I do already...and that, more than anything, is making me stubbornly carry on. I'm more afraid (at the moment) of how bad I'd feel having stopped, than of how panicked I am continuing.... I am so screwed up it's actually ridiculous... and yet, if you met me, you'd probably not know, cos I can fake it good...sadly...sometimes I'd like to just fall apart, and see people's reactions...not in a horrible way, but just because so many of us are probably the same, faking it till we make it....and maybe if we could just fall apart a bit and have recognition about how we're feeling, then it would help...I don't know...

One good thing, when I wore my jeans the other day I had to take the belt in another notch...so yay for me being good and not breaking my diet.....to be fair, even when I'm at my worse I don't feel like eating masses of chocolate any more.. some people would say that that suggests that I'm not myself, but I couldn't possibly comment.

Right, time for me to stop babbling on.....

DWP 'logic' and fireworks

Just a brief blog entry today to update you all on the tribunal.....I'll start by saying that, sadly but unsurprisingly, the decision didn't go in my favour but I have decided to continue fighting and will be writing to my MP in the next few days. So, here's what happened.....

Mum and I got to the tribunal centre in plenty of time, and what a depressing place it is too....seriously don't think it could have been designed to be any more ugly.....however the clerk to the court, when she came out to tell us what would happen, was very nice and kind and that did help to settle my nerves a bit. The room where they have the tribunal was small and bright, there was only one lawyer/JP there, no one from the DWP ever goes to these things...however unlike if we didn't turn up, it doesn't seem to impact on them...funny that.... Anyway, she (the lawyer in charge) was very nice, kind and sympathetic....she listened to my point of view and that helped me to be calm and articulate. However, as with so many others who I've dealt with, she kept referring to the law, and how she had to abide by it. Which would be fair enough, except that they selectively apply it, so that it works for the DWP and not for us. One rule says that a person should be accepted as looking for work unless there is evidence otherwise; when I pointed out that all the evidence showed that I had been looking for work, she turned it around and said it was only used in cases where people had been lying about looking for work - so although it looks like a positive rule for us, it's not....so frustrating and annoying.

However the really insane part was still to come. It soon became clear that she wasn't going to find in my favour, and she began scouring her little book of law to see what crumbs of comfort she could give me. Now, bear with me, because this is totally true and yet completely bonkers at the same time. She told me that I couldn't claim JSA, apart from when Aiden was on holiday from school, or had an inset day or if he was excluded....so basically, I can't claim JSA for those days when I am available for work, but I can claim it for days when I couldn't work because I'd need to be at home looking after Aiden (and she had already said she realised that childcare was an issue, also the actual regulation she quoted is written specifically to cover those who have responsibilities caring for children, i.e. it's accepted that on those days the individual cannot work!!) If you think that's insane, then you're not the only one....... It's so annoying and mum and I were so shocked that neither of us thought to challenge her at the time...

Mind you, she wasn't finished yet, because when I asked her if I could appeal further, she told me I could but that I couldn't argue the facts, only law....ummmm right.....ok......yeah I don't get that either....

Anyway, mum took me to the library and I had a nice browse which helped to relax me and we've managed a nice, restful afternoon......and a visit to the local free firework display this evening....which was lovely.. I do love fireworks, and I love hearing the little kids reactions to them as well....so cute....

All in all, today could have been better but it also could have been a lot worse. My mum being here has helped massively and I'm so glad she came down....I feel very fortunate to have such supportive parents...Today I've managed to stay on an even keel, despite feeling alternately numb and angry, I've managed to stay calm and to get on with things which needed doing..... I'm grateful for small positive steps

Nerves kicking in

Since I last blogged I have been trying to take it easy, aiming to help myself feel better by taking the pressure off...it has worked, well to a degree anyway...I am feeling slightly better but am so conscious of the fact that my emotional equilibrium can change very quickly. I'm really grateful to all of you who contacted me, and left me so many lovely messages of love and support...even as low as I was, they did reach me, and although I couldn't reply, I read them all and smiled...

Over the last few days I have managed to complete some of my uni work, as well as housework - which is a bonus....I feel good for having done so, not just for completing the tasks, but also for the fact that I got up and did them...when really all I wanted to do was to hibernate under the duvet. I've also managed to deal with A, although he has been very good recently, he has also had moments of mad hyperactivity which I find really hard to deal with. So yeah, I feel marginally more positive than I did last week; although I am still finding it very hard to talk to people, see people etc.

My mum came down today, and it's so good to see her. She backs me up with A, takes the pressure off, and she's just there for me as mothers are. Tomorrow I have to go to Havant for the appeal about my JSA. I'm really nervous about it, actually feel nauseous; am so glad that my mum will be there with me because I'm not sure I'd manage without her. I know that because she's there I'll be calm, and cope with whatever happens. I wish my dad could come down as well, but I know he's busy. Both my parents are a massive support for me, and I'm so grateful for that.

Tomorrow evening sees the local council's free Firework display, and we're planning on going - provided the weather stays dry. I love fireworks, and this display is normally really good... I've watched a fair few local garden displays from my window over the last couple of days but there's really nothing like getting all bundled up in warm clothes, gloves, hat, and scarf and standing in a muddy field with thousands of other people going 'oooh' and 'aaah' at the fireworks and laughing as the bonfire fails to light until half a gallon of petrol is tipped over it. Fingers crossed for good weather tomorrow then....

I'm trying to focus on the good things which happen, on taking small steps each day, and on achieving as much as I am able to. Mostly I wake up, get A to school, do a bit of uni reading, sleep, do some more reading, and then wait for A to get home from school...To me this is a good day, I've done some uni work and I've got through the day without falling apart. Some days are harder than others, and it's a real effort to get anything done. I can't say why one day is worse than another, which is frustrating because I'd love to be able to do something about it. Sleeping is becoming a real problem; I'm waking up several times a night, and finding it hard to switch off and go to sleep - then I'm exhausted during the day, and although I try not to, I always end up having a nap. I'm trying to stick to a rule of not napping after lunch, I figure that it's less likely to impact on my night time if I doze in the morning...but the fact remains that I am so so tired at the moment and so long as I get some work done, I feel that it's better to sleep than to stress over feeling tired and making myself stay awake. I don't know, I'm sure the doc will have some advice for me when I go back. The cats are still my little buddies, snuggling close to me and giving me something (other than myself) to focus on when I'm alone, or when A is asleep. They distract me, and help take my mind off things....at night, sometimes the only way I can get to sleep is by stroking purdy or molly, and drifting off. I don't know what I'd do without my kitties, they may drive me mad sometimes (especially at the moment as the kitchen door still isn't fixed, and they see it as a matter of honour to sneak in there as often as possible), but without them I think I'd be worse off. Interestingly they aren't at all fazed by the fireworks, in fact Molly sat on the windowsill with Purdy yesterday, watching them....weird....but good...

Tomorrow will be a busy day, and I'm dreading it. I don't know what to expect, and I hate that. I don't know what I need to do, and that's scaring me. I'm worried in case I lose this appeal but I fear that I won't be an effective advocate for myself; that's one of the reasons my mum is coming with me. So I really can't wait for it to be done and dusted; I'm worrying that I won't sleep tonight (and, yes I know that won't help).  So it's all a bit messy right now. I shall take myself off to bed at a reasonable time tonight, and try to relax and sleep...and then I shall just have to take a deep breath and go for it tomorrow.

The only way is up?

So....Monday was a pretty horrible day (well apart from seeing the lovely K that is).....In fact this whole week has been pretty crappy... I can't even remember what I did on Tuesday, I think I slept but apart from that it's all a dull blur.... Wednesday wasn't much better... A and I did go into Waterlooville and it was good to get out of the house.... But as if all the hassle with the DWP wasn't enough, the energy company caught up with me this week.... I'm not the best at remembering to pay bills, and when I can't afford to pay them it doesn't help...sadly I let it go a bit too far, and very nearly ended up having the door kicked in by bailiffs....thankfully it has been resolved now, but it's been a reminder that I have to stay on top of things, no matter how hard it may be to do so. Gas and electric are a huge problem; I use as little of each as possible and yet it still costs me £75 per month (joint bills)....And that's with not having the heating on, and keeping the telly and lights off as much as possible... It does make me angry to think that, if they so choose, the executives of these companies could absorb price rises in their huge bonuses instead of passing it on to the customer... When you're sitting in the cold, wearing two jumpers and three pairs of socks rather than putting the heating on, it is a little hard to stomach the massive amounts of money which are being made in profits..... When I have A with me, I have to put the heating on because of his asthma (if he gets cold he will have an asthma attack) and nothing is more important to me than his health but I'd be lying if I said that I don't panic about the cost....and I hate that...

I did make it to the doctors on Thursday, and once there I did kinda fall apart....I was intending to be strong, and stay calm but that lasted all of a minute...just telling her what had been going on and how bad I felt was too much, so I turned into a snot monster....am sure she loved that....to be fair she was fab, and it's just my luck that it was her last day at that surgery....pity, because I trust her and it would have been great if I could have stayed seeing her.....anyway, she has signed me off for a month..which is great as it means I don't have to think about job hunting..however already my brain is telling me that in a month I'll have to start hunting again and the panic then sets in.

I'm not thinking straight at all at the moment. Part of that is the streaming cold I've come down with, but most of it is anxiety/depression related....I feel ridiculous and useless and a total failure. My stomach churns and hurts, I keep twitching and fidgeting, my head feels like it's full of cotton wool, I ache all over and I'm so tense all the time....inside I have this sick feeling, sinking, churning, sad and constant....I don't want to leave the house, although apart from today I have managed to make myself do so. I read, and I sleep. I make lunch and dinner because I do feel hungry, even if I don't feel like eating..I feed the cats and fuss them; my kitties have been brilliant, I swear they know something is wrong, when I sit on the sofa, or in bed, they come and snuggle close to me, sleeping right up next to me..it's a comfort.... A has also been good, although he hasn't been around much - being out with his friends.... when he has been here he has been very caring, which I appreciate.. The worst thing about all of this is the impact it's having on him; he knows, because he was there on Monday, that money is a problem and on Wednesday he broke down in tears, worried about how we would survive. I told him that, no matter what, he would never be without clothes on his back, food in his belly and a roof over his head, that friends and family would see to that and that he shouldn't worry. Easy for me to say...because he will worry, and I hate that. He did believe me, but I fear that his worries will fester away.... I try to protect him, but he knows about my anxiety/depression, and it bothers me....I feel like I've failed him, I should protect him better, I should be able to cope, and the more I can't cope, the worse it is.

At the moment I'm hibernating....facing people, even friends, is more than I can do..and I know that makes me horrible and I'm sorry....my mum is the only person I can really talk to at the moment, she's coming down next week as I've got the JSA tribunal on Wednesday...I'm so glad she's coming...I think otherwise I'd not see another person, apart from A, all week - all by my choice I add...see it's easy when I can stay in, read, do MA work (when I feel up to it), sleep, try not to think etc., well not easy, but easier than it is facing people and being useless at talking to them or whatever....conversation is almost beyond me at the moment, it all just such an effort..... and do you know, I don't even have a good reason for feeling like this....I've not lost anyone, I've not had anything really bad happen to me... I should be happy, but I'm not. And that more than anything makes me feel like a failure, like people should hate me because they have a reason for feeling like this and I don't, and so by feeling this way I'm being selfish and stupid....

so folks, that was a brief glimpse inside my brain...what a mess....I'd like to say that it will improve, and I guess it will eventually, I know I want it to...but right now, it ain't happening.....I'm going to take the docs advice, little steps one at a time, small kindnesses and gradual improvement.... I can't give up on me yet, and I'm not planning on doing so.....it just feels like a huge job and my energy is low....but...as I said at the start - the only way is up...right?