Hope

So....I've had a few fails this week....one in particular has bothered me quite a lot. So I'm going to use this post as a kind of confessional, and hope that will help me to move on...and stop beating up on myself.

On Wednesday A came home from school complaining that his finger was hurting. He'd been hit by a ball during p.e. and it had bent his finger right back. It was swollen, and I did think there was a good chance that it was broken but I know (from experience) that there isn't much that can be done for broken fingers - just strapping and painkillers. So I offered both to him. And he refused. And that's where it all started to go wrong. Because his refusal really annoyed me. Mostly because he carried on and on about it hurting, but wouldn't do anything to help himself. However, I should have been more adult about it, and not let it get to me so much. However I was tense already as I knew I had my first counselling appointment on Thursday, and by that point I was really starting to get stressed about it (as I think I mentioned in my last blog entry). That night I didn't sleep very well at all. I kept going over and over in my mind about the counselling, worrying about being judged and worrying about how it would go. Anyway, Thursday morning comes and A is refusing to go to school. His finger was still swollen and painful, but all I could think was that I had to go to this counselling appointment - and no I'm not proud of that at all. Things got a little tense between A and I, and I got more and more stressed and the more stressed I got, the more I just wanted to be alone. In the end, I realised that no matter what, I wasn't going to be able to get to the counselling, and luckily I was able to rearrange it. I then ended up taking A to the local walk in treatment centre. By this point I was so stressed and upset that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wasn't horrible to A, but I certainly wasn't kind and comforting, and I'm so ashamed of that. No matter what I was feeling, I should have been the adult and been more accepting of things. As it turned out his finger was broken, the middle knuckle joint had a chunk broken out, and the bone below was cracked. They strapped it, but they also referred him to the hand clinic because it's his right hand (writing hand). So we were both right, and yet I was in the wrong. I should have taken him to the clinic on Wednesday night, instead of being all stroppy about him not listening to me. Then I should have accepted that my plans had to change, and not allowed myself to get so wound up on the Thursday morning....I have learnt from this. On the plus side, A apologised to me for being rude, and I apologised to him for being mean, and  so we did make up before he went to school...

Then I went home, indulged my inner toddler and had a nap. When I woke up I felt so much better.... It's a chastening thought you know, I'm closer to my inner toddler than I like to admit sometimes. I'm still nervous about the counselling appointment next week, but I've arranged to see two of my favourite people afterwards so at least this time I'll have something else to focus on and hopefully that will carry me through.

Yesterday was a much better day. I got to talk to my mum, which always helps. And then in the evening I went to hear the legend that is Mr James Thomas speak at the second Annual Westbourne History Series. It was such a lovely evening. JT was one of my lecturers when I was an under-grad and he really is legendary. Not only does he write and lecture on naval history but he does a unit call Rum, Sodomy and the Lash during year 2 of the history degree. It's about pirates and is probably the most popular unit in the whole degree...some of which is due to the topic, but most of it is due to JT. He is just lovely, able to inspire and teach and bring students on to achieve their potential. Ask anyone who's been taught by him, and I can guarantee that they will remember him with affection. I also got to catch up with his wife, and with Maureen and Frank (who host the series) as well as other friends..It was just so nice, although it did remind me how much I miss going into seminars....I love being able to discuss historical issues with people, I feel at home when I'm doing that. Much as I love the MA, I do miss the interaction of the undergrad system, with the seminars..I miss that contact, and I miss the discussions. I'm so glad that my enthusiasm for history hasn't been dimmed too much by this horrible depression/anxiety. It's helping to keep me going, and reminding me that I'm still me, even when I feel like a total loser.

Speaking of losing, and changing the subject totally, brings me to my weight. I've still been fairly good about what I eat, but the last few weeks have seen me slip somewhat. I bought myself a tin of sweets (cheap) on Thursday when I was feeling so very low. I've eaten some, even tho I haven't enjoyed it all. I just felt sick. I may donate them to A, because I don't want to waste them, but I don't want to eat them either. I'm conscious that (because I've not been exercising as much) my clothes are getting a bit tighter and I want to get on top of that before it goes too far.

The way I felt on Thursday was the worst it's been for a long time. I just felt totally numb outside, and all churny and angry on the inside. I just wanted to be on my own and could barely bring myself to communicate with the staff at the walk in centre. I'm sure they wondered what was going on, but A did manage to explain what had happened to him so well that I think I 'got away' with it. But I still feel awful about it. Normally when I feel like that I can hide it because I don't have to go out, but this time I got caught and it wasn't pleasant. I'm so fed up of feeling like this; if I could stop right now I would. But no matter how much I want to, it's hard to actually do it. It feels as tho I'm not in control of my feelings at times. But I'm going to speak to the counsellor, and I'm also going to try and be hopeful and positive about things. Instead of worrying, I try to think of the good which will come from this counselling, and from being able to recognise when I'm having a problem. I'm also going to make a real effort to exercise every day (I'd love to be able to get a dog, because then I know I'd walk daily but a) expense and b) cats), whether it's walking or something at home. I'm also going to crack on and make myself be proactive on my dissertation. I can very easily give in to feeling useless and let that stop me from trying. But that's daft, I can do it, I love doing it and I will do it. I know it won't be easy, and I know that I will have tough days. But I'm so so sick of feeling/being like this.

I've realised that I'm slightly envious of my friends who are in relationships. I'm going to be 37 this year and when I was younger I always thought that by this age I'd be married, settled with kids etc. I never expected to be a single mum, unemployed and suffering from depression and anxiety. When I think about having a relationship I'm still cautious about it, but I'm also beginning to feel that I need to get myself together and make moves to start living properly again. It would be so nice to have that togetherness, support, love, company and all the things which come with a relationship. I guess I'm just opening myself up to the fact that I'd like that again. And I recognise that I've got to sort things out because right now I'm in no way ready (or attractive enough) for that to happen.

So this week has been about thinking, and about making decisions. About choosing hope instead of despair. I know it won't be easy. I know there will be more posts where I'm feeling down and lose hope, but I'm also hoping that eventually I will get there. My dream of doing a PhD and teaching/lecturing/researching is still strong, and if I want to achieve it then I have to move forward, and deal with the depression/anxiety. It's very easy to 'wallow', not in a bad way but in a 'lost hope' way. It's easy to sit at home and not know where to go or what to do next. I'm fighting those feelings even as I write this. But if I don't have the hope that things will get better then I may as well give up now. And I have no intention of doing that. I have A, and my family and friends, who all support me. I will get there. In the meantime, thank you all for your support - it means so much and I really appreciate it...

Being me...........

This week I have been mostly thinking about....sleep.. Yes, the old bug-bear, insomnia, reared its ugly head again and from last Thursday night through to last Sunday night, I didn't get to sleep much before 4am, and had disturbing dreams once I did fall asleep. Needless to say I was, and still am, very very tired. Monday and Tuesday nights were bother a lot better, in that I got to sleep earlier (albeit still after midnight), but I still feel exhausted and shaky. I'm not having nightmares in the traditional sense, no scary monsters or serial killers chasing me, but my dreams always seem to have this unseen menace that I'm aware of. Or I end up behaving badly, as in being horrible to people, in them.... which (daft as it sounds) does leave a feeling of unhappiness which lingers long after I've woken up. Fortunately I don't have any urgent work to do this week, and so I don't have to feel panicked about the cotton wool feeling in my head.... I'm also resisting the urge (at least so far) to go and nap during the day... I don't know if that will help, but it's worth a try. 

Anyway, I thought that today I'd talk about how my anxiety and depression affect me on a day to day basis. I'm well aware that some of what I'll say will probably sound ridiculous, and easy to overcome, but in reality (and dealing with this every day), it's not that easy. 

As I've already said, my sleep is definitely affected and this is the first thing which has a knock on effect on the rest of my day. Lack of sleep is one thing, because it is (as fellow insomnia suffers will agree) frustrating whilst it's happening as well as being physically debilitating as well. I'm very fortunate in that because I'm not working at the moment, I can (and do) rest during the day. But that doesn't help with the dreams, which can leave me feeling very unsettled and upset for several days. However I do still love my bed, and every night I believe that I will have a good sleep and pleasant dreams. It's about the only area where I'm able to be optimistic. Probably because I do, really, love my bed and sleep.... 

Leaving the house can be problematic. It means that I have to have contact with strangers - something which scares me. I'm aware that this fear is irrational, but that isn't enough to stop it happening. There is a low level, constant, background continuous anxiety in me whenever I leave the house. Which frankly is exhausting. The thing is, I can talk to people I don't know, but that doesn't mean that inside I'm ok, it just means that sometimes I'm able to make myself cope. Some things are worse than others. For example those people who stop you and ask you to donate to charity, or sign up for a catalogue...oh boy do I *hate* it when I spot them. I feel physically sick. Because even a polite no and a shake of the head isn't enough (sometimes) to stop them following you and asking you for money (to be fair the catalogue people do tend to take no for an answer, and leave you alone). I've been shouted at, called a "stingy bitch", called a "greedy fat cow", and in one case followed several feet down the street. I'm sure I'm not the only one this has happened to, and it's wrong. I shouldn't be scared to go into town in case those people are out in force. A no should be enough, and granted sometimes it is, but when (like today) it isn't enough then their reaction leaves me shaking and nauseous and wondering why I bothered leaving the house. 

At other times I can be hyper-sensitive, and feel as though I've said something wrong (when I haven't) or that I've upset people (when I haven't)...I beat myself up, why did I say x, y or z? Why did I have an opinion? Why did I share it? Who have I upset? I can be really hard on myself, and it's no fun.... No matter how many times I try and distract myself, the thoughts come back. Until, for some unknown reason, they just stop. And I'm ok again. 

The thing is that, as bad as things can be, I can (and do) cope. Even if it is only barely at times, and exhausting. I read, I watch documentaries, I spend time with A (when he's here and not busy with his friends), I chat to my friends, I go to the library, I work on my MA dissertation...all of these things help to keep me going, and to in one piece. But underlying it all is that feeling inside, the churning stomach and mild nausea, and the shakiness.....I will fight this, and I will win. But it's hard. More so because it's all internal, and it involves feelings which everyone else deals with and copes with every day. Except I can't. So I feel bad for that.... and we're off again, on the rollercoaster of doubt, depression, anxiety and loathing... 

However, I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow. Now, unsurprisingly, I'm kinda nervous about it. I want it to work, and I'm going there with hope. But it's with someone I've never met before, and it's a he as well....yeah yeah, I know I shouldn't care but it's this stupid anxiety - for some reason, at least until I meet him, I'm slightly more threatened by the idea of a male counselor. 

So watch this space, hopefully tomorrow will be the first step on the road to recovery. I hope so. I really do... 

Snow....and other things

So, weather update first - it snowed.....which is very unusual for Portsmouth. Although it is becoming more common, funnily enough.... Most of the time when the rest of the country is buried under tons of snow, including places just a few miles away, Portsmouth is persistently flake free...it's something to do with being located on the coast... But I woke up yesterday to this......

Which was nice. It even managed to make the hideous disaster which is my garden, look ok......

Purdy cat wasn't quite sure what to make of it...she sat on the windowsill watching the snow fall and being totally baffled as to what it could be....and no, she wouldn't venture outside...that was too scary...

The snow has been a nice distraction. A ended up having a half day at school yesterday - the one thing with Portsmouth is that even when the cities roads are clear, because it's situated below the level of the surrounding country, it is a nightmare to get out of when there is snow/ice....I can't say that I blame the teachers for wanting to be able to get home... Anyway, off A went to play snow ball fights with his friends only to come back an hour later freezing cold and with swollen toes, where his feet had got cold and wet...poor boy - he said that although snow looks fun, it really isn't....bless him... So we had a lovely afternoon, wrapped in duvets, snoozing and relaxing....bliss.....

The last week has not been the easiest. I've not blogged because it would have been a case of "things are blah" day after day and that's just boring.... Plus, and this may sound daft, it does take a fair amount of mental effort to blog...and being honest, I've just not had that to spare this week. I am feeling better, compared to how I was last week anyway, although still not great.... By the way I'd like to say a big thanks to the two readers who commented on my last blog - your comments did help, and I kept them in mind when things were bad...

I had a deadline for the first chapter of my dissertation and after a massive effort, and a 3am finish, I managed to get it done. At first it was awful, I panicked because it felt as though I'd lost the ability to write academically. Given that this has, since I started at Uni, been something which came relatively easy to me and was a 'skill' I had, it was horrible to think that I may have lost that ability. Academics, my degree and now my MA has been the one thing which I've been able to hold onto when all else around me and within me, was falling apart...when I felt like a failure at motherhood, or just at being a decent person, I had that to hold onto. I know that I've had 'wobbles' before, but underneath it all I did have an assumption/belief that I could do this. So to feel, as I did on Thursday, that I couldn't do it, was not fun.... Without my degree I'm not sure that, on the weeks I don't have A anyway, I'd have a reason to force myself out of bed sometimes. But, thankfully, and on the 3rd draft my 'mojo' kicked in again and I wrote 5000 words relatively easily. I'm so relieved. Having that nugget of ability to hold onto is sometimes all I have, and I don't want to lose it. I just hope that my supervisor agrees that the chapter is good. I think part of the problem was that I've not written academically since last May, and so was out of practice - lesson learnt - I must write regularly to keep this 'mojo' active and working.

I think I've mentioned before that I have several places where I'm comfortable, in terms of being able to relax when I'm not at home. Uni is one of these places. I went in on Tuesday for a lecture and my level of anxiety noticeably dropped when I entered the Uni grounds. Weird. And I can't tell you why that happens, but I am pleased about it. The person giving the lecture was Rohan McWilliam, an author who I have referenced several times - so for me, kinda like meeting a celeb....now, you'd expect, especially as I have such severe anxiety issues, that I'd be nervous - and I was, I couldn't quite bring myself to talk to him, although had he not been busy talking to others then I would have done (was more the self-consciousness of hanging around which I couldn't do). However I was relaxed, for me anyway, and would even have gone for a meal with them had I been able to afford it. I really am strange...

However, the combination of Tuesday's venture out of the house, and the achievement of finishing my chapter yesterday, has helped me to feel better than I did this time last week. And for that I am grateful. I've also been reading the book The Ghost in the House by Tracy Thompson, a book about maternal depression. It's been very helpful. I've been struck by the number of times I think "oh yes, that's me" in recognition of a statement by another mum. I wouldn't say it's been totally comforting, because it's reminding me that my depression/anxiety has an effect on A (although when I gently tried to ask him about it and reassure him that my depression is not his fault, he was blase, and told me he wanted to go back to playing Minecraft....yeah ok son)... I'd recommend the book, not only if you're depressed and a mother, but if you know one who is...it will explain what she's going through way better than she/I ever could.

Right now I am going to sign off and go back to zoning out on the sofa...It's far too cold to go outside, and I really don't want to slip on the ice and either make an idiot of myself or hurt myself...far better to stay in the safe and warm house....I'm sure you agree.... Stay safe :)

*insert witty title here*

I've not blogged this week, even though I've wanted to, because whenever I came to do it, I just couldn't think of what to write. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to write about, more that I just couldn't think of how to put it into words, how to express how I'm feeling, without whinging, moaning or just boring you all to tears.... I'm still feeling like that, but the urge to write an entry has become overwhelming, so (with apologies) I've given in and here I am....

I'm exhausted, not physically, but mentally... Every day I fight to stay positive, to achieve something, to get things done, to stay up and alert and not to give in and go hide under the duvet. I fight to talk normally to people, even when I panic because I can't think of anything to say, I fight to be good mother to A, I fight to keep myself 'normal'...and frankly it's flipping knackering. I really really just want to give up, except that when I think about that, something inside me says 'no, you won't' and so I don't....but that doesn't stop me wanting to. I think I know that if I were to give up, to stop trying, to just take to my bed, then I wouldn't feel better and that it would be a bad move - but that doesn't stop it being an attractive options sometimes. In all honesty, I don't really want to give up, I just want a break...the problem is that I don't want to step off the treadmill, as it were, in case I can't step back on again. So all of this is trundling round in my brain, and making me feel very very stressed....

I've just finished reading a book about a girl who developed severe depression and anxiety after taking ecstasy tablets...some of what she said really resonated with me....I understood what she meant when she talked about a pain inside her, which wasn't so my physical as emotional, and I really understood what she meant when she said that sleep was the only respite from her never-ending panic...that's kinda how I feel.. I look forward to bed time, cos I can go to my room, get into bed and just sleep....except that recently even that hasn't been too much of a haven, because my dreams are becoming more troubling - not nightmares, but worse - normal dreams with a hint of menace to them.... She quotes from Paradise Lost:

"The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."

Which makes perfect sense to me, since I never know what to expect from this horrible depression...Things which should be fun, aren't and vice versa. What I do know is that it is getting harder and harder to deal with the lows. They come on with no warning, I can have a week or so when things feel fine and I wonder what I've been worried about, I feel like a fake, as though I've made a fuss over nothing - and then bang, on comes the down, and all of sudden I know I'm not faking...but I wish I was. 

The thing is that I'm so ashamed of feeling this way; there is no reason why I should be depressed. I 'won' the lottery of life, I live in a first world country, I have healthcare, a roof over my head, I'm able to survive, albeit only just, and I have amazing family and friends...so what right have I got to feel like this. I hate feeling like this, I know that there are people who have suffered so much more than me, and I feel as tho I'm disgusting for not being happy, for feeling like this... As a result, apart from this blog, I find it excruciatingly hard to talk to people, even my closest friends, about how I feel.. They'll text me, ask how I am and I'll *always* answer "I'm ok" or a variation of that. Because I just can't bring myself to be honest, I don't want to be always saying how bad I feel..even though I know they love me, and they'll support me, my own self-loathing is such that I can't be honest... Even when I make the effort, and open up, I never tell them how bad it is. My mum probably knows the most, and I don't even tell her everything - partly because I love her and I don't want her to know and to worry (although given that she reads this, I guess she knows now - hi mum)...

This is the most honest I've been for a while, and it is helping to get it all out, I just hope that it lasts... I saw the doctor this week, and have been signed off for 3 months - I also should hear about my counselling appointment very soon. I had the last CBT this week, and I just hope that I don't have to wait too long to see the counsellor - the hope is that seeing someone who is completely independent will allow me to be totally honest, and that the regular visits will keep my on a steady footing...certainly the CBT helped when I was seeing D every week, but even he was shocked at how high my scores were on the questionnaire this week having not seen him since before Christmas (every time you visit you have to fill in a form which assesses how you feel/how you're coping)...

I am going to keep going, I don't want to give in... I have a deadline for my first dissertation chapter at the end of this week (18/01) and although I'm feeling slightly panicked at the thought of it, and have only written 400/4000 words, when I was working on it, I did feel ok...it distracted me and that's always good. Yes, it's exhausting, but so long as I don't look too far ahead, and don't think about keeping fighting, then I can cope... I take it day by day. One thing which has pleased me is that I still haven't fallen off the chocolate wagon - I even bought a bar the other day, and it's still (as far as I know - unless A has stolen it), in the bag - I've not touched it. I keep thinking about eating it but a) I'm kinda scared that if I do I'll fall off the wagon, and b) I don't really want to eat it when I think about it... Given that my weight loss has kinda stabilised, I know that the last thing I should do is to start pigging out again. I'm hoping that once the weather improves, I'll be able to get back on my bike again. Mind you, they're threatening snow for next week - gulp... 

Ok, so I do feel better for getting this all out. I'm going to find a cat to snuggle and try to relax now.... 

Who I am (or who am I?)................

This post was inspired by something a friend of mine posted in a Facebook group. I've never actually met this friend, we 'just' know each other through this group...but what she said really made me think.... Basically she has the same anxiety issues as I do, but until she posted I hadn't realised just how alike we were...the group we met through has nothing to do with anxiety issues. It made me realise that we all have different 'faces' we present to the world, depending on the situation. I don't mean that we lie, or pretend or anything like that, very often it's done without realising, and mostly it's just because we fit into different groups, and thus tend to only discuss 'relevant' things with these groups (clumsily written but I hope you understand what I mean). To be fair, I'd hazard a guess that being Facebook friends with someone means you've got a good chance of knowing a lot about them, depending on their level of sharing, but we all still hide things, whether through fear, or shame or just a feeling that we're not all that interesting.... Even sharing by writing this blog is easier for me because it's not being done face to face; I know people read it, and it is easier to talk to people about things when I know I don't have to explain it all. But today I thought I'd go back to basics, and tell you all about me - the me which some of you know, some of you don't and the bits of me which make up me... :)

So here goes

I AM:
A Student - When I was at school all I wanted to do was leave. Funny how that changes isn't it? At the age of 31 I went back to education and it was the best decision I ever made. I'd been at home, not working since I was signed off with depression in 2005, and this is/was the first step in getting back into the workplace. I've always loved history, it was my favourite subject at school and so I was always only ever going to do a history degree. Now I'm working on my MA and hoping to do a PhD and I know that being at Uni has been a boost when I needed it. Whatever else I feel bad about, I know that I've achieved my degree and am doing well at my MA. It has been a kernel of pride to hold onto when things are bad, and I'm feeling like a failure. Working on essays, and now my dissertation, makes me feel good. I'm learning, but I'm also coming to my own conclusions, backing them up, and showing that my ideas have merit. Learning about the past really does shed light on the present (for example - reading some mid-19th century newspapers is exactly like reading 21st century newspapers...seriously....and worryingly in the way in which the poor are treated and viewed - but that's for another blog entry).... I'm so glad I made the decision to go back to studying, and I'd recommend it for anyone...

I AM:
A Mother - One word which is so emotive, and not always in a good way. Being a mother is, for me anyway, pain as well as pleasure. I love A, hugely, massively, forever, but oh boy does it hurt sometimes. I am the mother of a teenager, but a teenager who takes things just that one step further and who breaks my heart sometimes. The pain of being treated, and spoken to, as though I'm one step below a bit of dirt, especially when it's coming from someone you love, is intense and long lasting. It doesn't go away when the behaviour changes, it just lingers and then comes back worse the next time. I love him, I'm proud of him, but at times I'm ashamed of the way he behaves, and I feel that I'm allowing him to behave that way. Even though I know that I've not encouraged it, or taught him to be that way, in my heart I feel shame, because as parents we are responsible for our children, because there is always something more I could do/have done, to make him change. I want to be proud of him, and I am, but knowing that his behaviour is (at times) so awful, and that people are making judgments about him, is very painful. Knowing that his behaviour reflects on me is very hard to take, especially when a) I'm on the receiving end anyway and b) I've tried so hard to bring him up properly. Witnessing him being bullied by some kids (who didn't realise that I was his mum) was distressing beyond belief - especially when their response to me calling them on it was to mouth off at me - and thus remind me again just how impotent we are against kids these days. I'd never have dared to speak to another adult the way they spoke to me, and although I know I wasn't perfect, I'm pretty sure I never spoke to, or treated my parents, the way A does me....so yeah I love being a mum, I love A, I love it when we spend time together and we're just chilling, enjoying life...but it's heartbreaking how quickly that can change and it makes me cherish the good times even more.

I AM:
Unemployed - oh dear, look at me...student AND unemployed, I'm pretty sure there are some people out there (not included in the lovely people reading this) who see me as the lowest of the low, someone who really should just be put in a workhouse and left to quietly die...yes really, there are people like that now (see my mini rant above re attitudes in 19th and 21st centuries).... It's very hard to realise that people who don't even know you, hate you and think you're scum.....fair enough if you've met me and think that, I'm sure you have your reasons, but just because I'm unemployed doesn't make me bad. There are reasons why I don't work. Good reasons. It's taken me a long long time to be able to say that, and to be fair if someone was in my face telling me I'm bad for being unemployed, I'm not sure I'd have the confidence to say it. But it's true. Panic attacks in the workplace tend to be frowned upon, as does not being able to talk to people because you've never met them before. I know that there are people out there who scam benefits, and who are workshy, but I'm not. And judging a whole group on the actions of a small minority is not fair, it says more about the person judging tho. As I've already stated, I am a mother...and thus I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't - by that I mean, I'm criticised for not working, but if I work then who supervises A, and who's blamed if he goes off the rails completely???? Oh yeah, that would be me.... So right now, the best thing for me and for A, is that I don't work. That may, probably will, change. Until then however, I want to do the best for A, and by default, for myself as well.

I AM:
A mad old cat lady - I know those of you who really know me are laughing at this but it's true. I love my cats. I really do. In the madness of my life they are the constant...they can calm me, infuriate me, make me laugh, make me cry - I wouldn't be without them. I have 4 at the moment and they all have different personalities.... Billy (we thought he was female until the vet came to spay, and realised that uh oh he'd have to neuter instead - Milly thus became Billy), is the only male cat and is thus not the boss..haha...he is becoming more of a softy in his old age, but still likes to catch the odd pigeon and fight with other cats. Molly is his sister, she is the boss and never lets him forget it. She is very much A's cat, she loves him and misses him when he's not here. She is,however, also a hussy and whoever comes into the house, be it police or fireman or friend, has to fuss her before anything else - yes she did try to climb the legs of the last policeman who came round....Taff is the quietest, she takes a while to trust people and is not a lap cat (although sometimes she'll deign to sit on me), however once she gets to know people she is very loving. She's more happy just curled up on the back of the sofa, getting the occasional fussing. Purdy is very much my cat, I sear she thinks I'm her mum (and that means that when she can't find me she will meow for me and yes I do meow back...hey, mad old cat lady remember)...she's a softy and very quiet but she's seen me through some very tough times..... My cats are here for me at all times, and I don't think I'd be ok without them.

I AM:
An Aston Villa supporter - (stop laughing at the back)...yes, for my sins, I was indoctrinated at a young age into the Villa...through good times and bad (I told you, stop laughing), I remain a supporter....although sometimes I wish there weren't quite so many bad times....

I AM:
A girl who likes sport - yes, really.....it's funny how many people, ok men, are shocked and, yes, upset by this fact. As if women can't like sport. Well I do. So there. I love watching football, tennis, F1, American football etc... I even understand the rules, although understanding the NFL took me a while....Sport allows me to just relax, to watch other people doing something they're good at, and to admire talent, and yes ok sometimes to admire the participants (cough Rafa Nadal cough)....

I AM:
Depressed and anxious a lot of the time - it's always there, underlying everything - that churning feeling in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the fear. Just because I seem to be ok doesn't mean I am. Equally just because I get anxious doesn't mean I can't overcome it, and have a good time. Meeting new people is terrifying, I project onto them my fears about what people think of me - so I worry that they're thinking that I'm a failure or whatever - even though logically I know they're not thinking it - why would they even care? - but the thought is in my head and I can't get it out. Going out and making conversation is really hard when all you can think is that people find you boring or laughable...again, the issue here is not that people are bad, but that my brain won't let me relax for a moment...people aren't bad and they aren't thinking those things (at least I don't think they are) but in my head I think that about me, so I fear others do as well (does that make sense?) It's so much safer to stay in, where I can talk over the 'net and not have to face people. It's not that I don't like people, I do..and once I know someone things are fine, but I'm so scared most of the time. That is very hard to overcome every single day. It takes so much effort that one day out can exhaust me for several days. A lot of what I think and feel is almost automatic now, so that I'm not even aware that I'm doing it - there's just this background level of churning and throat lumps to remind me that I'm not normal.

I AM:
A bookworm - ahhhh reading, saving me from awkward situations every day... I love books - those of you who've been to my house can testify to this....I'm a fast reader and I read everything from true crime, to history, to thrillers, to chick-lit, to real life stories.....reading allows me to escape, just for a while, and it means I'm rarely bored....

I AM:
A good friend - well I like to think so. For all my fears about meeting new people, once someone is a friend then that's all in the past - I love my friends, and my family, I'm so proud of them all and spending time with them is one of my favourite things. Facebook has allowed me to get to know so many new people, but also to keep in touch with 'old' ones....I cherish that, because without my friends and family, I'd be in so much trouble. They keep me going, they help me out in so many ways, and being part of a family/friends group is such a lovely feeling. It counteracts the muttering inside telling me I'm a failure, it helps to remind me that I am loved, and that no matter how bad I feel, someone is there for me. I hope, and I try, to be as good a friend to people as they are to me.. Without friends and family, the world would be a cold empty place....

Well, that's it for now - maybe I'll think of more... it's been good to write this down, it's reminded me of things to be grateful for and helped me, for a little bit, to ignore the nasty thoughts.... Thank you