Purdy cat wasn't quite sure what to make of it...she sat on the windowsill watching the snow fall and being totally baffled as to what it could be....and no, she wouldn't venture outside...that was too scary...
The snow has been a nice distraction. A ended up having a half day at school yesterday - the one thing with Portsmouth is that even when the cities roads are clear, because it's situated below the level of the surrounding country, it is a nightmare to get out of when there is snow/ice....I can't say that I blame the teachers for wanting to be able to get home... Anyway, off A went to play snow ball fights with his friends only to come back an hour later freezing cold and with swollen toes, where his feet had got cold and wet...poor boy - he said that although snow looks fun, it really isn't....bless him... So we had a lovely afternoon, wrapped in duvets, snoozing and relaxing....bliss.....
The last week has not been the easiest. I've not blogged because it would have been a case of "things are blah" day after day and that's just boring.... Plus, and this may sound daft, it does take a fair amount of mental effort to blog...and being honest, I've just not had that to spare this week. I am feeling better, compared to how I was last week anyway, although still not great.... By the way I'd like to say a big thanks to the two readers who commented on my last blog - your comments did help, and I kept them in mind when things were bad...
I had a deadline for the first chapter of my dissertation and after a massive effort, and a 3am finish, I managed to get it done. At first it was awful, I panicked because it felt as though I'd lost the ability to write academically. Given that this has, since I started at Uni, been something which came relatively easy to me and was a 'skill' I had, it was horrible to think that I may have lost that ability. Academics, my degree and now my MA has been the one thing which I've been able to hold onto when all else around me and within me, was falling apart...when I felt like a failure at motherhood, or just at being a decent person, I had that to hold onto. I know that I've had 'wobbles' before, but underneath it all I did have an assumption/belief that I could do this. So to feel, as I did on Thursday, that I couldn't do it, was not fun.... Without my degree I'm not sure that, on the weeks I don't have A anyway, I'd have a reason to force myself out of bed sometimes. But, thankfully, and on the 3rd draft my 'mojo' kicked in again and I wrote 5000 words relatively easily. I'm so relieved. Having that nugget of ability to hold onto is sometimes all I have, and I don't want to lose it. I just hope that my supervisor agrees that the chapter is good. I think part of the problem was that I've not written academically since last May, and so was out of practice - lesson learnt - I must write regularly to keep this 'mojo' active and working.
I think I've mentioned before that I have several places where I'm comfortable, in terms of being able to relax when I'm not at home. Uni is one of these places. I went in on Tuesday for a lecture and my level of anxiety noticeably dropped when I entered the Uni grounds. Weird. And I can't tell you why that happens, but I am pleased about it. The person giving the lecture was Rohan McWilliam, an author who I have referenced several times - so for me, kinda like meeting a celeb....now, you'd expect, especially as I have such severe anxiety issues, that I'd be nervous - and I was, I couldn't quite bring myself to talk to him, although had he not been busy talking to others then I would have done (was more the self-consciousness of hanging around which I couldn't do). However I was relaxed, for me anyway, and would even have gone for a meal with them had I been able to afford it. I really am strange...
However, the combination of Tuesday's venture out of the house, and the achievement of finishing my chapter yesterday, has helped me to feel better than I did this time last week. And for that I am grateful. I've also been reading the book The Ghost in the House by Tracy Thompson, a book about maternal depression. It's been very helpful. I've been struck by the number of times I think "oh yes, that's me" in recognition of a statement by another mum. I wouldn't say it's been totally comforting, because it's reminding me that my depression/anxiety has an effect on A (although when I gently tried to ask him about it and reassure him that my depression is not his fault, he was blase, and told me he wanted to go back to playing Minecraft....yeah ok son)... I'd recommend the book, not only if you're depressed and a mother, but if you know one who is...it will explain what she's going through way better than she/I ever could.
Right now I am going to sign off and go back to zoning out on the sofa...It's far too cold to go outside, and I really don't want to slip on the ice and either make an idiot of myself or hurt myself...far better to stay in the safe and warm house....I'm sure you agree.... Stay safe :)
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