Did you miss me? Well of course you did :)

Hey, long time no write/read....sorry 'bout that.. Kinda got caught up with, well, being a proper student... by the time I'd written 1000 words about the 19th century, I really didn't jump at the chance to write more, even if those were about me :)

Anyway, I'm back, and I'm sure you're chuffed to bit about that....don't hide it, embrace it....or something... yeah, sorry, am a little punch drunk today, lack of sleep does that to me.... apologies in advance for the insanity which follows....

I would update you on what's been going on since I last posted but a) I can't *actually* remember when that was, b) I can't remember what I've done, well not all of it anyway and c) most importantly I loves you lot and I really don't want to bore you stupid....sooooo, here's a mini update (which will probably turn into a loooong post)...oh and a picture of Purdy-cat in a tree. Just because...

So, being terribly British I shall of course start with the weather....which is now reverting to being more typical of a British summer .. i.e. RAIN.... I did manage to get in a few days of enjoying the garden though, and one Sunday I even managed to doze off on a sun-lounger...bliss.... Just laying there, looking up at the sky through the branches, with the cats (baffled as to why I was in their territory) curled up next to me, and bees, butterflies and other buzzy/flying things keeping me company...

Fingers crossed the weather will be nice again, so that A and I can enjoy some days out, and make the most of the summer holidays. Yes, it's that wonderful time - the 6 week long holiday. I do like it, although I understand why some don't. I have lots planned, although much depends on finances, but we are aiming to go to Brighton for the day this Friday. It's so lovely to spend time with him, and I'm pleased that he still wants to do so. In the meantime, I have been working very hard on my dissertation and, thankfully, so far it is flowing well. I've written way more than I need to but I operate on the belief that it's better to write it all, use all the evidence I want to, and then to go through and edit it down. So much easier to do than trying to decide what to put in/leave out as I go along. Of course I won't be able to use everything I've found, much to my disgust, but that's the nature of academic research, if you've done it correctly then you will always have more research than you can use... I'm really enjoying writing it as well, which is a relief. Sometimes, no matter how much you like the topic, writing it can be a chore. So far, not the case and fingers crossed it stays that way. 

Other than that I've been chilling with A, and when he's not here and I'm not writing, then I've been relaxing with a good book. Bliss. Really. I've also had the chance to catch up with some friends who I'd not seen for a while. Last week, on Tuesday, it was the graduation for those who did the MA over one year. I should, of course, have been graduating with them, but I wasn't. I'm not going to lie, it was a weird, bittersweet feeling, but I'm glad I went. A and I went and sat in Guildhall Square and watched on the big screen. My friend J was graduating (undergrad) as well, so bonus was getting to see him. I'd had a lovely lunch with him the day before, and it reminded me just how nice it is to see people who are friends and I don't have to pretend with them, or fake calmness or whatever. Anyway, it was great to witness people I care about graduating. Sandi Toksvig is the Chancellor at the moment, and her speech was very funny. Hoping that she's still Chancellor when I graduate next year. I'm so proud all my friends who graduated last week. You know who you are. Well done *big cheer*

Today has also been nice, another friend J (not same one as last week) came back to Pompey for a visit, and we met up with M who was our tutor, and as a bonus the legend that is JT (and his lovely wife S) turned up at the cafe as well. So it was a fabulous morning, and I was sad when I had to leave. For the first time in a long time I wasn't happier to be going home. Progress? JT is legendary because he is just amazing as a person and as a lecturer. He does one option at undergrad level called Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash - about pirates. Needless to say it is the most popular unit option. I loved it so much. Both JT and his wife are lovely people, so kind and supportive. So today I was very fortunate, I was with people who support me, and encourage me, and are there for me. A good thing. 

In other news, I received my appeal notification (after the cancellation last time). I have a friend coming with me (another J), and although I'm not looking forward to it, and am already finding myself going over scenarios in my head, I'm trying not to focus on it too much. I'm terrified that they won't reverse the decision, and I'm scared about what I will do then. But I'm telling myself that worrying won't help. And that works. Mostly. 

Before then I've got a wedding to look forward to; my cousin S is marrying her fiance A, and I can't wait. I have a new dress (which fits and looks good - YAY), and A is going to make them a cake - as he can't make it to the wedding. So I'm focusing on that, because it will be good, and because S and A deserve my attention, the DWP et al do not. 

Things on the 'healing' front are problematic however. It has been decided, not surprisingly, that the self-help I was referred for is not "appropriate" for me right now. Talking Change have closed my file. Which sucks. I need more counselling. They agree. I agree. But they won't provide it for me, I have to go to somewhere which charges. Even though part of the reason I need more counselling is because in the last set of sessions, a lot of stuff from my past, which I had successfully (if unhealthily) suppressed, was raked up again and now I'm dealing (or rather not dealing) with it. I am cross that TC are abandoning me like this. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks again. I'm having panic attacks if I see someone who looks like a certain person. And I'm remembering things I'd really rather not. But despite this, all they would offer me was CBT which I've already had, and which they themselves agree will not actually help. I *know* intellectually how to deal with the flashbacks/dreams etc., but that's not much help when the underlying problem won't go away. So I have to pluck up the courage to go to this new service and cross my fingers (I'm doing a lot of that right now) that I can afford to use them. If not, well I don't know. I don't want to think about that right now. I'm slipping a bit on the ol' chocolate front, although I know it could be worse. I've managed to resist most of the time, but every so often it really gets too much and I give in. Of course I then beat myself up, which doesn't help. So I'm trying to work through this without doing too much damage to myself or others. 

On the plus side, I'm rocking my walking stick. I'm using it for any walking journeys I do over about 1/4 mile. I'm learning not to care, because it really does help me. And as JT said, it's very useful for poking people with ;) In all seriousness though I am slightly concerned that, because it allows me to walk further than I could without it, I could be doing more harm than good. But I have a physio appointment on Monday, and I will ask him about it then - I'm also going to ask for a referral for a scan. Fundamentally my knee is not improving, it's getting worse. Something has to be done, even if it's just to rule out causes. We will see. 

So that's me right now. I'm doing okay. Because I'm working on my dissertation, and spending time with A, and with friends, and I'm not doing anything challenging. I'm well aware that when things go wrong, I'm not coping; e.g. Sunday when A had a run in with the local idiots up near where his dad's girlfriend lives...panic attacks and tears on Sunday night, and a hangover from that (not alcohol) yesterday. So it's still there. Lurking. Even when I'm coping, there's a part of me which knows that. I just have to carry on, what else can I do. 

Finally, I want to leave you with this blog post written by my friend BR, it's a beautiful tribute to her friend who died recently. I cried when I read it. It broke my heart. I have no doubt that he knew he was loved, but other things were too much for him. Anger and heartbreak are the words which spring to mind. Sometimes people can't be strong any more. I can't comprehend how he must have felt, and yet I am going through similar issues. No one situation matches another exactly. But we all have a responsibility to our friends/family etc., Reach out, check people are alright, be there for a giggle, but also for when things are hard. I've never have got through any of this without my family and friends. 

http://titflasher.wordpress.com/2013/07/26/for-greg-and-all-who-loved-him/

Love and hugs to all 

A mammoth catch up

Well, it's been a while since I blogged, but I do have a good excuse, honest. Last week was taken up with lots of hard, physical work and by the time it came to the evening, my normal blogging time, I could barely keep my eyes open or remember my own name, let alone write coherently about my day....Over the weekend, I intended to blog but somehow time just got away from me. So here I am.

Firstly, the garden. Well it looks amazing and all the hard work was worth it. This is what it looked like beforehand:

By the end of Thursday, after a lot of hard work by my mum, my uncle, and my neighbour Bill, it looked like this:

It took a lot of sweat and very hard work, and I am really grateful to everyone who helped. Being able to have a garden which is nice to look at, and (more importantly) I can sit out in, is a huge bonus - and just in time for the hot weather.....

Bill, my lovely neighbour, even sorted my front garden out for me. He got rid of an old bush, and relaid all the concrete patio slabs... I felt very fortunate last week. Not least when my mum bravely saved me from the shed full of spiders:

Thanks Mum..... I did feel a bit bad as I cut back the brambles etc., because beforehand although the garden was a jungle, the bees, butterflies, and frogs, were loving it.... I'm hoping that, even with my anti green fingers, I'll be able to control the brambles and other plants, so that they don't take over the garden but do provide cover and food for insects etc. I even found the paddling pool, which was very useful as a giant washing up bowl, lol. All in all it was a great week, even if it didn't start off so well....

Oh yes, last Monday....I was due to have my appeal against the removal of my ESA heard, my mum had come down a day earlier so that she could come with me. I was on the bus, on the way into town to get the train to Havant, for the tribunal (at 10:40am) when (at 9:29am) I received a call from the Tribunal service telling me that they were cancelling it. Yes. An hour before it was due to start. Needless to say I was not happy, and once I was off the bus, I rang them back. A long, and not particularly pleasant, conversation ensued. The upshot was that the fault lay with the DWP in Cardiff (now why does that not surprise me), who had somehow listed my appeal with the wrong panel. Apparently, each judge has a specialty, not to mention that they receive the case files a few days before so that they can read up and know what's going on. I still don't fully understand it, but my case had been sent to the wrong panel, and so the judge had said he/she couldn't hear it. I don't know if they had read the case file, or not but whatever had happened the appeal was cancelled and I now have to wait for another one to be set. I was angry, and upset. But as with all bureaucracies, it doesn't matter about the individual, they don't care. It's just "oops sorry" and then you just have to deal with it. No care about the impact on people, no attempt to make it right, no consideration of resolving it so that the person (me) doesn't lose out, and certainly no indication that they will learn from their mistakes. Can you imagine them being so understanding if I'd made the error? I'll just wait for you to stop laughing. Glass of water? All ok now? Good good.... So that was the start to the week, thankfully it did get much better from then on.... Mum and I decided to wander round town, and I found a dress for my cousins' wedding, which really cheered me up. And it was on sale, which cheered me up even more... I'm still waiting to hear about the appeal but I'm not holding my breath.

Sadly A has been really poorly for the last few days. He started with an ear infection on Wednesday which the doctor initially wanted to treat by seeing if he could beat it himself. Unfortunately he couldn't, and was back to the docs on Friday, being given an antibiotic ear spray. However it doesn't seem to be working, he is still having a lot of ear pain, and swelling and can't hear properly. I know all teenagers have selective hearing but this is genuine. Without paracetamol and ibuprofen his temp goes up, and he gets very lethargic, and even in this heat will feel cold. As I write this he is curled up on the end of the sofa covered in a blanket. I've had to turn the fan off, so I am melting. He is cold. If he's no better tomorrow morning then I will have to get in touch with the doc again.

Having A off school made this morning interesting, as I had a docs appointment myself, and then a physio appointment. I don't like leaving him on his own when he's ill but having dosed him up with his painkillers etc., and tucked him up in bed, off I went. The docs was just for a medication review - much needed. The doc I saw is lovely, I really like him, he's known us for 13 years now and is very good at remembering details etc., about us. Anyway, I'm glad that I saw him, because the news wasn't great. I'm being sent for a precautionary ECG on Thursday, because of some palpitations I've been having. He's pretty sure that it's related to my anxiety but he wants to make sure. At the same time, oh joy, I have to have blood tests (thyroid plus others) because (and this is really upsetting) despite my dieting and despite the exercise I've actually put on weight. Am really down about this. Especially after the exertions of last week, when I know (looser clothes) that I lost some weight. I've had the thyroid tests before, and it's always been negative, so I don't expect anything different this time. But I guess it has to be ruled out. I have to go back to see Dr R in a month or so to discuss the results etc.

So after that it was off to physio, where I was able to ask about the whole situation with my knee (which has, unsurprisingly, been very very painful after last week). I also told him about the whole weight thing, and he mentioned thyroid as well. He has also given me some new exercises to do. The old ones were easy, and didn't seem to be doing anything, so he has suggested working different muscles. I can say that when he had me try them out there, I could definitely feel the effects...so that's good. Now for the bad: apart from a short (20 min) cycle ride every day (if I can manage it), I am not allowed to do anything else. Which, frustratingly, rules me out of doing the Race for Life this Sunday. Funnily enough, given that I can hardly walk the 1/3 mile to the docs without keeling over from pain, he feels that walking 5k (and in the predicted heat as well) would be a bad idea. I am annoyed, frustrated but (guiltily) also slightly relieved. I had been very concerned about my ability to complete the 5k, and was really worrying that I'd do more damage. He concurred. I am also under instruction to use my stick. I've been trying to manage without it, not wanting to get dependent, but have been told not to be so daft, and that I must use it. If anyone has sponsored me, and wants the money back, please let me know. I truly understand. I'd also like to apologise to the Marshall's and to Cancer Research for letting them down.

So that's me now. About to get back on the dissertation train, hoping that I can work through the heat (which is melting me), and get as much done as possible before A breaks up for the summer holidays a week tomorrow!! Emotionally, mentally, I'm struggling but keeping going. Lots of emotions churning around, and a lot of bad feeling inside. I'm hoping that the dissertation will help to distract me, and get me through this. In the meantime, just venting out here has, as usual, helped. So I'm off to see if I can cool down before bed..... :)

Terry Pratchett Rules........................

The title of this post will be explained later :)

When I try to think of how to sum up the gaps between my posts, more and more I'm finding that although I've had a mixed week, this is becoming the norm.....a week of crappy days, mixed with less-crappy days....I guess it's good that there's some kind of 'normality'...just wish it was bit less of an up and down normality. I can't actually remember the last time I posted. Last week sometime I guess. I suppose I should check... *short pause, tinkly music playing* Right, I'm back. It was last Monday....ooooo lots has happened since then.... Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin (and a prize to the first person who can identify where that phrase is from)

Tuesday was a good day, spent catching up with my friend K who has seen me go through a lot. We have a great friendship and I'm lucky to know her. She's also 9 months pregnant, due any day...needless to say I am super excited and can't wait to get the text to say that baby has arrived and I can go and have snuggly cuddles. It was great to see her again, and to have a good catch up. I'm planning to take advantage of her being on maternity leave, and spend as much time with her as I can. Lucky K ;)

Thursday was, um, interesting. I noticed that there was something weird about Billy-cat's left front paw, and a closer look made me realise that he had, somehow, managed to step in some paint. I tried to get it off with baby wipes, which didn't work. So off we went to the vets, Billy most put out by being tricked into the carrier with the promise of treats, and deeply unhappy at being carried in a box. The vets were great, they tried to remove it, but no success. They told me that he'd probably have to be sedated, and quoted me over £100.... *gulp*... When they realised it was unaffordable, they tried very hard to get the paint off without sedation, but Billy was having none of it. So they (somehow) made the charge £45, Billy was sedated, and the paint (and his fur) removed.... His paw now resembles a, well I don't actually know what it resembles.....any thoughts?

Billy, after some fussing from A, soon forgave me, and is back to his normal self. I hope he's learnt his lesson though. Really don't want to go through that again.

A has been doing well at school recently. He loves to cook, I have no idea where he gets that from (his dad probably), and Thursday was the day he cooked at school. So I had the pleasure of a lovely macaroni cheese - it was delicious. Probably the nicest macaroni cheese I've had. Here's a picture (because I can)

So proud of him, and it's lovely to see his enthusiasm for, and pride in, his cooking. Makes me smile and he really deserves the praise he gets. It proves that he can work, and that positive reinforcement works well for him. I love seeing the happiness in his face when he realises that he has made something good, which people like.

One reason I haven't blogged for a while is that the weekend was tricky, and yet for some reason I didn't want to blog and preserve it in black and white forever. Now, I can't remember the specifics, and although I know it was tough, I also know that I got through it. I guess I don't want to be constantly moaning about crappy days, detailing them all and being a moaning minnie. It's not helpful to me and I don't see why you guys should put up with it. I have bad days. They're horrible whilst they're happening. But they do pass, and certain things help....which brings me to the title of this post.

I've recently been re-reading Terry Pratchett's Discworld series and I'm loving it. I'd forgotten how amazing these books are, how they draw you in and take you away, make you laugh, make you chuckle in recognition as he skewers the world, particularly it more pompous citizens. Every book I read I am finding several paragraphs which make me go "yes", and giggle a lot. He has a talent for getting to the point, and making it funny. I'm reading them at night, and this has turned out to be an inspired decision. For some time now I've been having some bad dreams, waking nightmares, and insomnia - all of which have made me not want to go to bed. Since I've been reading the books I've been more keen to go, get into bed and read. Not only have they taken my mind off my fears, the dreams have lessened. Insomnia is still a problem, but I have that in cycles anyway, and there's not much I can do, worrying just makes it worse. At least I have something good to read when I can't sleep :)

I've also managed to make good progress with my dissertation. It's been hard going, very tiring staring at a screen, but I'm getting there. I'm finding my enthusiasm is coming back, and my confidence in what I'm writing is back as well. Which is a relief. I can't wait until my new desk arrives though, it's not easy (or comfy) writing whilst sitting on the sofa....Mum is coming down next week to help me tackle the jungle that is my garden, and is bringing a desk down for me... am so grateful... She's also going to be here to accompany me to my tribunal meeting for my ESA removal. It's a coincidence that the date they gave me is when she's here, but a fantastic one nonetheless. I'm so relieved. Not looking forward to it, but with mum here it will be much easier. Finally, thanks to some amazing friends, it looks as though I will be able to go the the second Annual Jack Marshall Brain Tumour Fund Ball in September. I'd thought I wouldn't be able to go (for various reasons), but now I can and I'm so pleased. It's on the 21st September, so it will be the perfect treat to celebrate completing my dissertation. I can't wait to see everyone again, and to stay at J's house (and see her lovely family again). Thanks to C for the lift as well..... Jack is still a huge part of my life, and to have missed out on this would have been hard. He is still my inspiration, and hero, and I'll never forget him. Raising funds and awareness is important to me....

Speaking of which: I am doing the Race for Life in a few weeks, and would be grateful for any sponsorship people can give. I'll share the details on my FB, or you can contact me via this blog if you'd prefer...

Right, it's Discworld time......