Hello Autumn.......

So....the weather....[for all my American friends, yes we Brits really *do* talk about the weather...]...kinda depressing I think....well it is when I have to leave my comfy little cave, and venture out into it....sadly I'm under instructions to venture out from said cave as much as possible....I do so much prefer it when I can say snuggled, safe and warm, inside with the cats, watching the wind and rain outside....but apparently it's not a good idea for me to stay in and so I have to be a good girl and actually leave the house at least once a day..woohoo...lol.... In all seriousness, I know I need to leave the house, but it would be nice if it didn't tip it down with rain the moment I step outside, lol... ah well... Summer, such as it was, is definitely over...I know this because I'm wearing socks (and a jumper) but mainly because of the sock....just as it's possible to tell when summer arrives because I partake in certain grooming practices, so it is possible to tell when summer is over, because I start wearing socks every day.... so there you go...I'm a fount of useful information, aren't I? lol

Anyway, enough of my ruminations on the weather....Things have been, well, weird this week....Sunday wasn't great (as you may have guessed from the blog entry) and Monday wasn't the best... I had a pajama day, which was nice, but I did feel bad (and a bit smelly) by the end of the day because I'd been so lazy....ok so the weather (sorry) was rubbish, but still.....So yesterday I was glad that I had to go out....the MA has started again at Uni so there was a get together for the new (full and part time) and old (part time from last year) students...oh it was so good to see my friends again, although I really missed the full timers from last year.... One of the new part timers is K, who was my politics tutor when I did the Access course way back in 2007/8...Sadly Access has been closed down now, and K was looking for something to occupy her time, so I suggested (persuaded? forced? hmm) her to apply for the MA...in all seriousness, I'm sure she's going to be brilliant at it, and it was good to see her yesterday... Most of my friends from last year knew that I'd suspended and was re-starting, but they didn't know why - so I told them a bit but not all...mainly because I didn't feel it was the time to go into everything...maybe I should just give them all this blog address and point them to the entries for early August?? Hmm, it's an idea.... Anyway, I was happy to be there, and pleased that the Uni still seems to be a 'safe' place for me. It was good to catch up with everyone again, and we've made plans to meet regularly, which is going to be a huge bonus for me....plus one of my friends, D, is applying to do the PhD afterwards, which means he'll be working on his at the same time as I work on mine (if all goes to plan) and that's a great boost because having a colleague who's going through the same experiences is massively helpful....yay for Uni.... :D

Yesterday was a good day; not only did I go out and socialise, but I was also a brave girl and rang the DWP about my JSA.....although I did have to go and punch something after I'd spoken to them.... I'm pretty sure that it's not people who work for them, but robots....because the women who called me back was just useless....she kept using 'inside' terminology which meant that I hadn't got a clue about what she was talking about, and had to ask her several times to explain it to me in English - she seemed to be totally shocked that a) I didn't understand her and b) that I actually wanted to know what was going on - as if I shouldn't care what was happening...weird weird woman... Anyway, the upshot is that they have 'written' my appeal and (after asking a gazillion times) she finally told me that they have decided that I wasn't available to work from the 1st October 2011 to 19th August 2012, the implication being that 1) They have arbitrarily decided to ignore the facts in favour of some made up world where applying for jobs doesn't mean anything, and 2) I should have been getting JSA from the 19th August - guess whether I have or not? Ding Ding, well done Ladies and Gentlemen, give yourselves a pat on the back - no I haven't.... Guess whether the robot, sorry woman, on the other end of the phone cared about that? Oooh you're on a roll tonight aren't you....sorry, sarcasm is coming out rather than using lots of sweary words (Hi mum, Hi dad).... So yeah, she didn't know that I'd not got my money, didn't know why, didn't know what the procedure was for updating the payment system - in fact she didn't know anything - I take it back, she's not a robot, she's just pig ignorant (with apologies to pigs)..... So I now have to go in and speak to the job centre and see where my money is... I will also have a chance to appeal the decision about the rest of the decision - and believe me I will be - I will have to go to a tribunal, and it just seems to be such a waste of time and money... Mostly of all I'm angry - how dare they say that I wasn't available for work, how dare they ignore the hundreds of jobs I applied for, and the evidence I gave about my circumstances.... It was funny to hear just how shocked this woman was that I'd continued to sign on etc., because her initial reaction when I asked about receiving the money from 19th August onwards, was to assume that I'd not been signing on, and wouldn't be entitled...um yeah no love...I think they hope that people will just give up, although how the hell they expect us to survive without JSA is beyond me - I guess they really do believe that we've all got millions stashed away, and that we're just scrounging tax-payers money for the fun of it.... gah.... ok, shutting up about this now...no point stressing until the tribunal... fingers crossed it won't be long...

Today was my third CBT appointment, and on the scoring questionnaire I have to fill out every time, Dave told me that I'm steadily improving. Which is good. He is very understanding but he doesn't let me get away with things... I have a list of 'jobs' which I have to do before next week - just day to day stuff, but I have to do it because I've been avoiding doing these things up till now....It's good to be held accountable for this kind of thing, day to day jobs like phone calls, and some housework...I will always get round to it, but I need to be doing it regularly, and automatically...he's also good because he knows I 'overthink' things and that this can sometimes cripple my thinking, so he's helping me to reprogram that way of thinking, and hopefully will stop that becoming a major problem with normal day to day stuff...we'll see...

I took a stroll up to Cosham library after that, and rewarded myself with a load of books to borrow, before going to Tesco's and setting the alarms off...sigh....lol... then I came home, fussed the cats, saw A after school, fell asleep (oops), watched some telly and now I'm writing this.... It's been a good day.....

So there you go....that's me at the moment.... still very up and down, still very weird, still very emotional...but getting there, and definitely able to think more clearly at times. I may feel horrible inside, but I'm starting to recognise when that feeling is ridiculous and when it is valid....I guess that's a start to being a more stable person, and as much as I want to curl up and ignore the world at times, I do know that I can't and shouldn't do that. So I'm making myself go out, and do things, even if it's just a walk, because it would be easier to stay in. There are times when Dave says, oh you should make sure you walk everyday, and don't nap during the day, and get up at the same time even if A isn't with you - and I think 'but I don't want to, and I'm not going to and you can't make me'..lol..because no one really likes being told what to do, and that things which they enjoy aren't necessarily the right thing to do...but inside I know he's right...and although it may take time for me to do all those things regularly, I will work towards it because I know that it's the right thing to do and that it will only help me..that I will regret it if I don't...but that doesn't mean that I'm not behaving like a teenager inside...because, I am...I just have to overcome that...

Right...I'm off now, got a book to finish before I go to bed - I need to know whodunnit....lol.... :D

We apologise for the break in service ;)

So I'm here....I have been all week....but up until now, I've not really felt much like blogging...it's been a tough week emotionally and really, I just didn't want to come on and write a post which was just a long whinge...so I didn't....but now I do regret it....I like blogging, I like coming on here and spilling it all out, it helps me to work things through, to make sense of what I'm feeling...and although it was my choice not to blog this week, I've missed it a lot....and I wonder if I've felt worse because I haven't blogged....hmmm...

Last weekend was so amazing, meeting so many people who have become a big part of my life over the last year or so, and being part of the Ball for Jack's Fund....so it's hardly surprising that there was something of an anti-climax once I got back home....however (and blokes may want to skip the next few lines), mother nature ensured that Monday and Tuesday were a complete nightmare on top of that....oh yes.... I couldn't even go and sign on, it was that bad...but that's enough of that, there is such a thing as TMI.... ok blokes, you can come back now...lol.... I spent Monday and Tuesday curled up on the sofa, with the kitties, reading....that's my safe place, my safe, comforting, 'thing'....I can lose myself in a good book (going through a fiction phase at the moment) and shut the world out..it may not be terribly healthy but sometimes, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.... Did it help? Yes...for sure, I still had the horribly empty, sick, sad feeling inside but I didn't feel any worse, and I got through the days.... I've had A this week so it was especially important that I cope, because he needs me... So far, he has gone to school without problem, and I've been so so proud of him for the effort he has made and the way he has carried on...but, I'm still waiting for the explosion, for it to go wrong - and I know that makes me sound like I'm giving up on him, but I'm not, I just know him, and I know it's unrealistic to expect him to change overnight....so I'm guessing that there will be an outburst at some point....

By Wednesday I felt better, able to leave the house - always a bonus - and it was a good job as I had my second appointment at Talking Change with Dave...they weren't wrong when they said I'd feel worse before I felt better...it's very strange..Dave is great, understanding and kind, and he is helping already but I do feel worse - I'm being forced (in a nice way and for the best of reasons) to confront things which I'd rather ignore, to do things which I now want to shy away from...my 'homework' this week is to write down things I struggle to do, am not doing, don't want to do in order that Dave can work with me to get me doing them again....and oh how I don't want to even write them down.... even though I want to get better, to get back to being 'me' again - I just don't want to do things which scare me....yeah, still a total mess then....good good.... I only get 20 mins with Dave each week and it's not long enough... I'm able to talk to him, I feel safe doing that but I could do with longer...stupid financial restrictions... I'm scared because the fears/changes have got such a hold on me, and 20 mins, for 6 weeks doesn't seem long enough to 'cure' me, resolve it, make it right, make me 'me' again...I'm on the list for counselling but the waiting list is so long that there'll be a long gap between the end of CBT and the start of counselling..and yes, I'm worried that any progress will be lost... I'm worried that I'm not strong enough, that the lure of hiding away and only dealing with what I want to deal with will be too strong for me.... I was trying to explain to Dave this week that I can cope so well with some things - the thought of being a lecturer, of leading seminars, lectures etc. doesn't scare me at all....but the thought of having to face people socially scares the crap out of me.. (last weekend being an exception)... I'm weird...really I am...

Having been to CBT I 'treated' myself to a mooch round both Waterlooville and Portsmouth libraries...came home from both with HUGE piles of books.....I think if I didn't enjoy reading so much, I'd be lost....it's my haven when I'm struggling - I can curl up with a book and relax completely, not think about anything to do with me at all...I've always encouraged A to read, to enjoy reading - as I say, if you can read then you'll never be bored...and this week he has been reading, choosing to sit and read...something which has made me so happy - not just because we're sharing something, but because he's sitting (ok, so he's jigging his legs, or tapping his fingers) but he's still sitting down for more than a minute at a time...progress? I think so....

I babysat for J on Thursday, well I say babysat but E and A would hate to be referred to as babies and even N is a toddler ... I love how they've accepted me..N told me I had to come to his birthday party (Pirate Pete's? Bring it on..lol) and A was curled up, snuggled into me on the sofa - so comfy with me, such a compliment and a real help when I'm hating on myself so much....Today they came over for tea, so the girls could meet my cats (we had to frisky E when they left, she kept threatening to steal them..lol)...and again, it's so lovely to be with people who just accept me, children can be so perceptive and their acceptance means a lot to me.... I *think* the cats enjoyed themselves, Molly certainly did..but then she's always been a total hussy when it comes to attention...it was good to be with friends again.... Now I'm on my own again, and it's not too bad....A is with his dad, and I'm sat here with the cats... I thought I'd feel bad but I don't..instead I'm almost looking forward to the week ahead, and to working on myself... I feel guilty sometimes, about how much I can enjoy being on my own (whilst at the same time hating myself for not being as social as I used to be) - confusing..oh yeah..but that's me... (now you see why I've not blogged this week - it would have been one long confusing ramble of weirdness...lol).... being on my own means not having to deal with other people's expectations of me (that is, those expectations which *I* imagine they place on me..so much insanity in my head sometimes)..or my expectations of myself...it means I can lose myself in a book, and not have to worry about anyone else...but at the same time, I want to be with my friends, I want to have fun, to go out, to chat and laugh and share things...and when I do socialise, I have fun...it's just getting from 'alone' so 'social' that is the problem....and that is what I'm working on with Dave...and (see above) it's not easy... I'm going in circles here and I'm not making any sense...sorry about that... Fundamentally I'm a mess of fears and guilt, both of which mean that whatever I'm doing, there's always a part of me which is anxious, wanting to be elsewhere...it doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying myself, it's just as if there's a part of me which automatically panics and wants to be home/out depending on where I am at that moment in time...once I feel that anxiety I can't ignore it, and I'm dealing with it, negotiating with it...and my mind is elsewhere... I wonder if I'm the only person who feels like this?

This week is my last week of 'holiday'...I will re-start work on my MA dissertation in October, slowly but surely working up to research trips as needed....this coming week will be all about easing back in...I'm looking forward to catching up with my MA colleagues on Tuesday, not all of them know that I've gone p/t so it will be interesting to meet up again...apart from that, and my CBT, I'm going to lunch with J, and M (my author/tutor friend :D) on Thursday to celebrate J's birthday...it's an easy week, albeit with some not so easy tasks to do - ring the DWP re my JSA (urgh I'm so nervous about doing this), apply for 7 jobs (woohoo), email my supervisor about my dissertation plans, and speak to the Uni about the fee they're charging for my change to p/t... In the mean time, I shall be a big (ha) brave girl and get on with it...really I will....

I'm sorry that this has been such a rambling weird blog entry...so much has been on my mind this last week, and I've needed to get it out, in here, to make some kind of sense in my own mind...and it's kinda worked... I'm torn, because I know that it will take time for me to feel better, but I hate feeling like this and I want it to stop...I can feel happy, so why doesn't that feeling last, especially when there's no reason for me to feel down....J keeps telling me to be kind to myself, and she's right...but it's easier said than done, I default to beating myself up about everything (and then I beat myself up about doing that...sigh)..there are people who have suffered real heartbreak, and I'm lucky really I am...but here I am, feeling lousy and hating on myself...and it's a vicious circle..I just hope Dave can help me break it...

Mental health issues may be invisible (as it were) but they are damaging, and I'm so grateful for my friends who understand ... I know that not everyone (in the world that is, not my friends) gets it, understands, accepts, and helps...I wish I wasn't like this, but wishing is no good...I have to change, and I need help to do that...I haven't chosen to be like this (no one would, believe me) but not being this way will take effort; I have to re-wire my circuits as it were, to over-ride the dominant depressive state...it can be done, but it will take time...so I'm thankful that I have so many amazing people in my life, who are there for me and who just accept the way I am, whilst supporting me in my efforts to change, to be 'me' again...The irony is that to change, I first have to accept the way I am at the moment, to stop hating myself for being like this...which is really really hard....we're told that being happy is important, and it is, but the world needs to realise that people who are depressed don't choose that, they don't enjoy it, and that condemning them as failures, useless, self pitying losers, etc. etc. is wrong...it's not about self-indulgence, it's not about being lazy, it's not about failing at life - it's about a mindset which is deeply invasive into everyday life and which, once it has a hold, is really hard to get rid of. Understanding, acceptance, being given the space to get better - all of these are hugely important and can only come from others...without them, the task of overcoming depression is twice as hard - because not only do we have to fight our own self loathing, we have to battle the sneers of others - and when those others are 'confirming' our own internal fears, it makes those fears twice as hard to dismiss... The best thing anyone can do for a friend who has depression, is to accept them as they are without condemnation....you're not enabling them, you can still talk to them and help them, but by not condemning them, you're already making life a lot better...it's hard to explain, but the best friends are those who listen, who make suggestions, who offer practical help, who won't let you sit alone inside worrying, but who do all this without implying that you're a failure for being this way...who, with love, refuse to let you give in, but who don't suggest that you're a bad person for even thinking of giving in...who are just there, whenever, wherever, whatever... in my life, I'm fortunate to have many family and friends who are just like that - you know who you are, and you have my eternal gratitude...

Ok, enough schmaltzy stuff...I'm off to read a murder-mystery-thriller...thank you for reading, and I'm sorry it was such a long rambling post....(oh and for those of you who are wondering - the diet is going well, I've enjoyed some treats but haven't felt the urge to pig out and I was really glad to get back to cycling this week)

Going to the Ball, and having a ball

ahhhhh what an AMAZING weekend.......wow wow wow..... I'm totally shattered now, and feeling a bit blue that it's all over...but it was so worth it.... I was a princess and I went to the ball, I didn't find my prince but I met some fabulous people.... *big happy smiley face*

I can't actually remember when I last blogged, so apologies for that...the last few days have been a blur of organising and travelling.... On Friday afternoon I went across to Southampton by train, so that I could stay at R's house and be ready to leave bright and early on Saturday to go up to Scunthorpe... we had a lovely relaxing evening, albeit slightly stressed by the fact that G, R's boyfriend, was stuck at work and we had no idea how late he would get back....as it turned out, it was about 3am I think...poor G...

So we didn't leave quite as early as we'd originally planned to...meaning that we had a slightly more leisurely start than I thought we would (still managed to leave things behind tho...lol)... The journey up was fairly good....it took over 4 hours, including stopping twice for, ahem, comfort breaks, but it went quicker than I expected it to. The weather was gorgeous all the way up, so I got to see England in all her glory, the countryside was gorgeous and even being on the motorway wasn't too bad. Finally, at about 3pm, we arrived in Scunthorpe and I finally got to meet J, my lovely forever friend.... it's so good when you finally get to meet people who have become really important to you... J is definitely one of those people, and she made me so welcome... I also got to meet C, her beautiful daughter, and A, her gorgeous toddler son, as well as Rosie and Bubble her two dogs....my other friends B and N were already there...so it was a houseful.... The next few hours were spent chatting, drinking tea and finally getting ready for the ball.......

Now, I love history and particularly the 19th century, but I think we can safely say that I never, and I mean never, would have been happy living during that time.....and the reason for that is clear - being laced into ones dress is not fun..... Anyone who has ever seen the film Titanic will remember the scene where Kate W is being laced into her dress and holds onto the bed whilst her mother yanks on the straps...yeah, that scene was recreated not once, but FOUR times last night as J, C, B and I were all laced up tightly..... we looked amazing, if I say so myself, but it was effort and I for one was very hot and bothered once we were done.... Then it was into the cab and off to the hotel.......

The room looked amazing.....

And there were plenty of reminders about why were were there....

When I walked in and saw all these posters on the walls it was hugely emotional....some of the pictures were ones I'd not seen before and they got me....Jack was such an amazing little boy, and that was demonstrated last night when over 100 people came together and raised masses of money in his name, in recognition of him, in order to help others who are going through what the Marshall's went through...

The whole evening was fantastic...the food was delicious, the auction raised lots of money, the Freddie Mercury tribute act was amazing, the raffle was brilliant (I bought two tickets, one won!) and the dancing was so much fun....yes, I got up and danced even though I hadn't had a drop to drink....have never had so much fun in all my life.... It was exhausting, and I ended up with a headache because I got dehydrated, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world.... Yes I had a couple of moments of panic, because it was an unknown place, and there were so many people there, many of whom I didn't know, but those moments soon passed and I can honestly say that I was so sad when it was all over.... I have to say that the Ball was superbly organised...the raffle had some amazing prizes - a bike for example...and I won a gorgeous bracelet...they also had a sweetie 'bar' where we could help ourselves to flying saucers, sour apples, flumps, strawberry hearts etc.etc....

The evening ended with the balloons from each table being released for Jack.....

Today, after a good nights sleep, and a lovely breakfast of a sausage sandwich, it was time to make our way home.....journey home was uneventful, and the cats were suitably pleased to see me...As was A, although I do think that the sweets I'd got for him from the Ball may have had something to do with it.... So here we are....I'm sad that it's all over, and really looking forward to when I can go back up and see everyone again....I've got some amazing friends in Jack's Army and I'm lucky to know them.... In the meantime, I have to get back to the mundane day to day life, sorting A out, signing on, job hunting and working on my dissertation.....


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Following on from my last blog post, I wanted to let you know that Wash passed away just before midnight on the 11th September, Arizona time.... He is remembered with so much love and affection, and I know that he is missed all over the world.. He is now in his own personal TARDIS, flying the universe, time and space, checking out the great unknown.... An amazing man, who deserves to be remembered... RIP Wash... may your travels be full of awe and wonder

Vigils.....

The last couple of days have been hard....although not as hard as they've been for some of my friends..... Cancer has reared its ugly head again, reminding us that it never actually goes, it just lurks, waiting to devastate all over again.... Even for those of us who have never met the people concerned, the sadness and anger is there... You may remember that a while back I spoke about Tashi and Wash. Wash has terminal brain cancer, but had continued to live life, watch Doctor Who, build Lego and most of all, be with Tashi.... This morning I woke up to read a message from Tashi on her FB which told us all that Wash had passed into unconsciousness at about 3am on SundayMonday morning (Arizona time), whilst watching The Wedding of River Song episode of Doctor Who with Tashi....he is now in Hospice care, and Tashi is waiting to hear that he has passed into peace... my heart is broken for them both.... I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried when I read her message.....his last consciousness was watching his favourite show, with his wife, surrounded by love....but he should still be with her, watching the new series of Doctor Who, discussing whether it's 'jumped the shark' or not...the fact that he's not makes me so angry...and yes, I know it's pointless being angry about something I have no control over, but there it is... I'm just so sad for them, so sad that it is ending like this, that instead of growing old together they're being being separated, that instead of getting to do things which I, we all, take for granted they have had to face mortality and saying goodbye... The love between them is tangible, and it has been ever since I first heard of them on Regretsy - when Tashi requested someone make a TARDIS urn for Wash's ashes to be held in...go on, read that sentence again...and remind yourself that these two are in their twenties...sucks doesn't it... I was never lucky enough to meet Wash, but I'm pretty sure through reading the blog, and seeing his pic, that I'd have liked him..he has one of those smiles, one of those faces.... So right now, I'm holding Tashi and Wash in my heart, hoping that Wash will soon be at peace, flying in his own TARDIS...and that Tashi will be surrounded by all the love and tender care in the world....

The news about Wash came shortly after I heard that a little girl I've been following on FB, has had a bad recurrence of her cancer. Audrianna Bartol has Stage 4 High Risk Mync Amplified Neuroblastoma, and has been fighting it since she was two; she is now six... Yesterday we heard that an operation has shown that the cancer is back, wrapped around her aorta and moving into her heart...and although they managed to remove some of it, surgically there is nothing more to be done. The only chance is a test to see if she carries a gene which is only carried by 15% of children who have neuroblastoma... For those who know and love Audrianna, this has been devastating.... Right now they're holding onto that slim chance and I can only hope that it is granted - she is only 6, no age at all....again I come back to the fact the we all, everyday, do things which we take for granted and yet for others just living another day, or getting a good test result, or not being in pain, are priceless, precious things to be cherished....

Another child I follow, Claudia, has possibly only weeks to live, having had to stop treatment due to, well, due to it just not working, and her bone marrow not being able to cope anymore...her parents have brought her home...no parent should ever have to bring their child home to die, yet it happens....I always knew about cancer; my grandpa died of it nearly 30 years ago, my aunt died of it 11 years ago....I even knew that kids could get it - a vague memory of some of my contemporaries being affected...but I didn't really know about it....not the reality anyway.... Jack Marshall introduced me to the reality of life with cancer, following his journey allowed me to begin to understand the sheer enormity of what having cancer means to these children and their families, and yet I've only understood a minute amount of their every day battle....I'm lucky, I don't have to face the reality they face every day... My heart may break for them, I can and will cry for them, fund-raise for them, talk about them, support them as best I can, love them from a distance, and even visit them ... but I will never truly understand what they go through.....

I know people suffer, and die, every day from many differing illnesses, as well as by the hands of others, I know this...and I hate it... no one person's death is more important than another, every person is loved, is a child, a parent, a lover, a sibling, a grandparent.....I was told today that 25,000 people die every day from hunger, or hunger related causes (UN statistic)....shocking... Today marks the 11th anniversary of 9/11, when 2996 people died....all individuals, all loved, all cared about, all important to the people in their life...so how do you choose who to support, who to care about, who to remember, who to honour?? I don't know.....I think that people find their way into our hearts sometimes without us realising....Jack certainly did that to me, Jobo - whose mum jumped out of a plane for Clic Sargent yesterday, and who is going well at the moment as far as I know - has done that to me, as have Wash, Claudia, Audrianna and many others.... All I can say is that every time I see something about a cause, posted on FB or Twitter, I read it, and often will begin to follow it closely...so please share them, make others aware, spread the word about your cause, the one which is close to your heart, or the several, or the many....whatever it is...give us all an opportunity to learn and to support...money may be tight, but there's always something we can do...

This entry isn't meant to be bossy, or critical, or upsetting....so I apologise if that's how it's come across.... I'm just frustrated, because today I've spent the day doing things I take for granted, whilst all the time being conscious of Wash, and Tashi, and Audrianna, and Claudia, and Jack.... It's hard to comprehend how my life can be so normal, whilst for others it's falling apart... So I thought I'd come on here, and share my confusion, see if anyone had any sparks of wisdom.... feel free to share if you have.... <3 <3

Back to school......

Well....it's been an eventful few days, that's for sure... Some of it fun, some it not so fun...

Monday was lovely, A and I went to see J and her family, which was just what we needed. J and I went for a lovely bike ride, down to the seafront. It was so hot, and sunny and was just lovely to be able to sit on a bench and chat for a while... L (J's hubbie) was looking after the kids at home, which was nice of him.... :D

Being able to get out, and just enjoy the good weather, and catch up with J, was just what the doctor ordered....When we got back, the kids were all on the trampoline, and so we spent some time watching them bounce like Tigger and carry out all sorts of weird routines, all the time screaming with laughter (them, not us).... meanwhile 2 of the 4 bunnies were wandering round the garden, selecting from the salad bar (J's plants and flowers), pausing only to take shelter under the trampoline - which they did regularly, seemingly unconcerned by the screaming, bouncing kids above them.... yeah, it was a good time... :)

J helped me to try on my dress for the Jack Marshall Brain Tumour Fund Ball, oooh it's exciting.... Most importantly, the dress fits, although I think I may need to procure some extra support for one part of my anatomy...I love the way I look, and am tempted to put up a pic now, but I've decided to wait until I'm all properly dolled up so that you can get the full effect :D 

Whilst I was trying on the dress, J noticed that I've got a mole on my back....now 4 years ago when I was on holiday in Majorca with A, I was badly sunburned. It was my own fault, I didn't get someone to put sun cream on my back, and as a result, on my first day there I burnt, even though I was wearing a t-shirt. It was so bad that I had to go to the chemist, and was lucky in that over there, you can get stuff from the chemist which is normally (over here) only provided at hospital - so I had creams, wipes, special gauze and bandages. Poor A had to change the dressings every day.... Anyway, ever since then I've been worrying about the consequences, and recently even more so as my back has been itching.... so when J pointed out the mole, I have to be honest I did feel sick and worried. She took a pic for me and that didn't ease my mind at all.... However, I have an appointment at the docs tomorrow (thought it was today, nearly went before I realised that my phone reminder hadn't gone off, and when I checked it turns out I would have been a day early - see that's why I put reminders in my phone, lol)....so I will ask the doc to look at it, and will go from there...trying not to worry too much....

So that was Monday, a good day spent with wonderful friends .. but Tuesday was *ominous drum roll* A's first day back at school.....actually, it didn't go too badly, he went off ok and said he had a good day... I was pleased, but not smug because I know that he will start off ok, but then as reality hits, he'll be more inclined to refuse to go in. I emailed his head of year, and explained our concerns about the lack of support for A since the school was restructured. She rang me and was really helpful. It was agreed that although the ladies who'd been helping A are now in another area, they will continue to be there for him - as just knowing that he has somewhere to go and someone to talk to will often help him...also the counselor is back from maternity leave soon, so he'll be able to see her... He's also being referred to MABs (multi agency behavior support) which is normally for those who are being excluded, but his head of year thinks that they will help him because they're geared towards helping kids stay in school. They will find out what triggers his fears, and hopefully give him a way to deal with them. Fingers crossed that they accept him. 

Wednesday morning he wasn't as keen to go in, said he had a headache...but when he realised that I wasn't going to let him miss school, he did go in without any further hassle....Today, he went further - claiming to be dizzy, sick and to have diarrhea....again, I wasn't having any of it (and his dad confirmed that he'd been fine when he'd left the flat), so I waited him out, told him he'd have to face the consequences of missing school...he did go in, late, but at least he went in.... Tomorrow he's going in from his dads flat, so fingers crossed he goes in ok and I don't get a text saying he's not turned up....

Now, apart from the fun of getting A into school, yesterday was an interesting day as well.... J and I went into town to do some shopping....we had a great time, right up until the point when I came out of Tesco and slipped on some liquid (at one point I thought it was wee, thankfully it was lemonade) and went down like a sack of spuds....OUCH...and also proper embarrassing - especially when I promptly burst into floods of tears....I twisted my left ankle and landed with a proper whack on my bad knee...my pride was also hurt, needless to say.... I managed to get up, but was in a lot of pain...ended up sat on a chair, with the Tesco first-aider holding a bag of frozen peas onto my ankle..... I felt like an exhibit in a zoo, people were actually stopping to stare at me...it was insane, J told me that she had to bite her lip to stop herself giving those gawkers a piece of her mind... The store manager turned up, and J told me later that there were lots of worried looks being exchanged between the staff...not surprisingly.... I was told to go and get checked out at the local treatment centre, so I called a taxi and off we went (no, Tesco did not offer to pay, or even to call the cab, although they did call 999 initially, and did insist I get checked out - I also had to speak to someone at their incident department...). Long story short, I was just badly bruised....and yes, I could tell that - I'm achy and in a lot of pain still...have been told not to cycle for a few days, and to rest up...so that's why I went into Waterlooville library today, and am going to the docs tomorrow followed by opticians and hair dressers...lol... but I'll rest once I've done that...

I'm going to write to Tesco's - I'm cross that they didn't clear up the spillage, especially as there was a security guard nearby... So we'll see what comes of that.....

Now I'm sitting on the sofa, with a purdy cat on my legs.... I have to be honest and say that since I fell over yesterday, I've felt lousy in mind as well as in body.... It was horrible to fall, humiliating as well as painful, and as for crying in front of people, well that didn't help either...but mostly it seems to have knocked me into a bit of a blah mood...I feel tense, emotional, exhausted, upset, and mostly just blah - not a technical term I know, and the best definition I can give is that I'm carrying on, but I'm not necessarily taking pleasure in things... I'll speak to the doc tomorrow, but for now I'm just trying to distract myself with books and the cats, until the feeling passes.... One good thing is that I've had the save the date card for my cousin S and her fiance A's wedding.....not till next year but woohoooo....so excited.... can't wait.... :)

Right, I'm off to bury myself in the world of chick-lit... 

Bye bye summer hols.... :(

Well, the summer holidays are nearly over....A goes back to school on Tuesday, which means no more lazy mornings for me (well apart from at the weekend)....time flies when you don't have to get up in the morning...that's what I find.... Needless to say, A is as unenthusiastic about going back to school as I am about having to actually set my alarm.... I'm really looking forward to Tuesday morning...honest I am.... In all seriousness, I have set aside the next couple of weeks for some pretty heavy phone call sessions...I need to be on top of everything, so that I can push and push for A to get the help he needs...I'm not expecting to get it straight away, or even to get phone calls back when promised, which is why I'm planning on being a pain, and getting on their nerves by constantly phoning...we'll see how that goes....

So, with tomorrow being the last day of the holidays, I decided that we'll be going for a bike ride in the afternoon, with J, and then back to her place for food and relaxation...It will be nice for A to see J's kids again, and since J has offered to feed us, I'm a happy bunny... A will be at his dad's overnight, so I can drop him off, and them come home and relax some more :)

I have to sign on tomorrow morning, which means taking A with me...haven't decided yet whether we'll cycle in, or get the bus...I think that will be a decision/battle for tomorrow morning... So tonight I have to sit down and fill out my record book, to show the jobs I've applied for, looked at etc., as well as any employers I've contacted. It's a pain, cos a) I could just make it all up - there's no checks on it, they just read it and then get you to sign their records and b) I never remember to do it as I go along, so I always spend time remembering when I did what, and what I've actually done..and yes, it would be more sensible to do it as I go along but I never remember...which is a problem....ah well....

It's been a weird few days....last Thursday was great, I went to J's and had a lovely time just catching up and chilling out....was good to see them all again....have really missed them...especially loved seeing N do his dinosaur impression - his T-Rex one is pretty good.... They have bunnies as well, which are so cute...when they have the run of the garden, it's very funny to watch them and see what they do...ok, so it's mostly eating and sniffing things, but hey, they're cute... :) We sat outside for most of the afternoon, and it was rather hot, but nice to be able to just sit in the sun for a bit.... The kids were on their trampoline - oh boy do I wish I was small enough to go on that....it looks like masses of fun...good job it has a net around it though, else we'd have been spending the day at A&E.....

So Thursday was good, well until I got home - and realised that the dizzy spells I'd been having during the day weren't going away, and I was feeling really rather poorly... Am not 100% sure what caused it, but for the last few days I've not been feeling well at all....hence the lack of blogging... I do feel better today, but still not great....one of those bugs where you just want to sleep, but nothing actually helps...only time...fingers crossed it will go completely soon...

A came back on Friday, and it was lovely to see him again...he's been well and truly spoilt whilst he was away - has new clothes and shoes .... but most importantly, his voice seems to be breaking...much to his disgust...he knows it's a good thing really (it is, right?) but he hates the process...can't say I blame him... His dad told me that it hasn't stopped him talking....in fact, this time away seems to have demo'd to A's dad the extent of A's hyperactivity...they went up by train, and P told me that A didn't stop talking or fidgeting the whole way - that's 3 hours there and 3 hours back...yeah, welcome to my world... I think I have almost got used to it, in a way, but still, was a shock when he came back and proceeded to bounce around the house for an hour....even when he did finally sit down, he was still perpetual motion boy...it's exhausting....

I've not heard anything from Camhs, and I'm pretty peeved about that... the referral was done over a month ago, and I've held off chasing it up but not any longer... It's so frustrating and annoying that nothing gets done unless the parents jump up and down and make a nuisance of themselves..I know it's not the fault of the staff, they have too much work and not enough time...but it still makes it very hard to cope as a parent, because you want things sorted asap. Having to wait, and watch, just makes things worse...

My anxiety has been very high today, I'm not 100% sure why... I don't know if it's because I'm not well, but I've had to fight off several panic attacks today...it's as if I'm hyper-aware of my own body, which means that feeling dizzy, or queasy, has triggered excess anxiety... I have to say that this normally doesn't happen - I don't tend to have panic attacks when I'm ill....so I don't understand why now... But I'm left feeling very weak and twitchy, which is not fun. At all. I've been trying to distract myself by reading - having a Michael Crichton marathon - but it's not working all the time... It's exhausting, because I prevent one attack, read for a bit, then find another one coming on... If it doesn't stop, then I'll have to contact the doctor, and see what he suggests....

Mind you, it's not all bad - two people who I've seen in the last week have both commented that I've lost weight, noticeably to them...which has really cheered me up - I'd been worried that I'd 'stalled' and was feeling more and more temptation to snack...so their words came at the right time, and since they told me that, I've noticed it myself...which is good.... I've also cut down on the snacking...easier said than done, but it's happening...even if those snacks are healthy, I'd rather not have them because to me it's not about what I eat, it's the fact that I'm eating at all outside of meals...basically, I know that I eat when I'm stressed/bored...and so I need to be able to stop myself from doing that....I've realised recently, that a lot of my snacking was related to being bored and/or stressed...and that's the first step back towards eating 'bad' foods again..which I don't want.... I'm trying to just eat 3 good meals a day, and if I eat between meals, to have fruit...it's hard, but I need to do it, I need to see food as a necessity, functional, not fun - rather than as something to 'do' when I'm bored or stressed...if that makes sense....

Anyway, I'll stop rabbiting on now...I've got a book to read. :)