I fear that this post will probably end up being a vent of massive (and possibly whinging) proportions...It's just the way I'm feeling right now....Sorry about that... I've been trying really hard to be positive, not to let things get me down, but I'm failing...and then I feel bad for failing, and it all goes in a big, messy, failure-related, tear streaked circle.....Today has been particularly bad...I'm definitely not coping....punishment I think for being so stupidly positive last week... Part of the problem is that I feel as though I have to be positive...that a) I have nothing really to complain about (even when I feel as though, yes really I rather do have justification for a moan), and b) that if I'm not positive, people will get bored of me (well I bore myself) and c) that being positive will influence things so that they do get better (well that worked out well didn't it.. >sarcasm alert<) You may have noticed that I'm just a teeny bit angry as well...I am, but I'm not quite sure why.... Well part of it is that I'm not feeling very well at all, and apart from hating this, I'm also scared....let me tell you why:-
On Monday I went on a research trip to the Army Medical Museum in Mytchett. I went by train to Farnborough, and then cycled from there to the museum. Google maps, that bastion of great information, told me it would be a twenty minute ride...I upped that estimate to 30 minutes....but I had forgotten just how many stupid hills there are in that area....oh, and the rain - did I mention the rain? So, anyway, I arrived at the station and set off for the museum....it wasn't too bad on the journey there....the sun even came out, and ok so there were hills, but I managed...and going down the other side is always fun.... The research itself went well, I got all I needed (thankfully), and it was time to go back to the station....at which point I realised that it was raining...and not lightly either, oh no - we're talking torrential, tropical downpour here....but I didn't have a choice, I had to get to the station and I had to cycle...so off I went....it took me 2 minutes to get out of the barracks and in that time I was already soaked through....to make it worse the hills which had been so much fun going down on the way in, now had to be climbed on the way back (did I mention that they were steeper this way...sigh)....I tried my best, I really did, I didn't want to give up but in the end I had to just walk up some of them...my chest was getting really tight, and I felt sick....now I've had this before when I've pushed myself to cycle up a hill, and it normally goes by the time I've freewheeled down the other side, but this time it didn't... I came to the road which goes up and over the A31 (I think)...by this point I was soaked completely (my coat is shower proof, not downpour proof), and was freezing cold as well...I tried to cycle up as it was a short hill, but it was also steep and about 2 metres in I nearly fell off my bike, struggling to breath...so there I am, walking up the road (drivers glaring at me), pausing every so often to gasp some air in and feeling very scared and alone.... Eventually I made it to the station, and dripped into the shop to spend stupid money on a cup of tea...before sitting, shivering, on the platform for 45 minutes until the train came....even an hour and a quarter on a train, with the heating on, was not long enough to dry out my jeans, but thankfully when I got to Portsmouth the rain had stopped. I cycled home, but this was the scary part - even though I'd been sitting down, resting, for over two hours, after a few minutes of cycling I was wheezing and gasping for breath.... I made it home, showered, and put warm clothes on but my chest was still feeling so tight... That night I didn't sleep well, and was up at 5 am... Most of yesterday was spent resting in bed, and thankfully the tightness in my chest has eased - however I still feel lousy, I have a horrible cough (tastes metallic in my mouth when I cough - ugh), and any exercise, even walking up the stairs is leaving me feeling breathless, dizzy and weak.....I tried to get a docs appointment today but they were on half day closing so I'm going to be ringing them at 8am tomorrow....
To be honest I'm scared....but I'm not having a panic attack...I've had enough of them to know that this isn't the same. I actually woke myself up last night, wheezing....in my sleep.....I'm angry as well...I know I'm not fit, but I've never had this problem before, and right now I'm terrified to cycle again, in case I make it worse. I just hope that the doctor can set my mind at rest because I am this close to just giving up... I'm fed up of being judged by my size: I'm not going to magically become another person just by losing weight...if you don't like me now, then you won't like me slim and if you only like people due to their size then how shallow are you? (not aimed at anyone reading this, just a general vent at society).... I know about the health risks, and yes I would rather be slim and healthy but right now, the effort I'm putting in is not being matched by an outcome and I'm getting very very fed up...as you may have noticed. I've had a few 'treats' recently, not many, and certainly not enough to make a difference (and I've been satisfied with what I've had, and not wanted to pig out or anything - which is good)...but I've judged myself for doing so, and hated myself for doing so - and then hated myself for judging myself...so as you can see, I'm a mess right now.... good job I have counselling tomorrow....
This is the worst I have felt for a LONG time and I really don't want to leave the house tomorrow. Only the fact that I need to see a doctor, and that I would be chucking away a lot of help if I didn't go to counselling, is getting me out of the door...sheer stubbornness...which does kick in but which takes a lot out of me. Here's the deal: I want, in fact I'm craving, some loving attention...I get it over the phone from my parents and in person from A, but actually what I want is to be a child again, and for my mum to look after me....I know that's ridiculous but it's how I feel.... I just want to stop for a while, not have to do anything, have someone else deal with the day to day stuff...but life isn't like that, and so on I (we) all go....
Not helping matters is the fact that ATOS have struck again. I have been opening every single bit of post I get, even the junk mail, because I'm so paranoid about missing another appointment (they apparently sent me a letter for an appointment, which I only found out when they wrote to tell me I'd missed it....)...today I opened a letter from them, thinking it would be an appointment but no, it's another letter telling me I'd missed an appointment....I cried....Bad enough that I have to go to a strange place, to be assessed by someone who doesn't know me, for a company which has been given targets by the government to get people off benefit (whether they're fit to work or not), but for the second time I didn't get the letter telling me when my appointment was. It took several minutes of hunting before I could find their phone number and when I did I was told that I had to return the form, and that would then trigger another appointment - apparently they're only allowed to keep people's folders whilst the appointment is valid, if you miss it, the folder goes back to the benefits centre...so they couldn't just rebook my appointment over the phone....so frustrating. I've set a reminder to ring them in two weeks in the hope that they'll have set up a new appointment and I can find out when it is over the phone.... It's so dispiriting, and this, coupled with the increase in rants/meme's/pictures on Facebook, about how all people on benefits are scroungers, is really getting me down...it's hard knowing you're hated and despised by people who don't even know you just because of your situation..... I've tried to put my view across, and to stand up for other groups when inaccurate information is shared, but people just don't seem to want to know. They've got their view and that's it...I read another blog today which made the very valid point that it could be anyone on benefits - who knows what will happen, a job loss, an accident, which necessitates benefits....but people think they're immune....I don't wish what I'm going through on anyone, even those who are so vile about people like me...but I do wish that there was more sympathy and understanding.... As a country we should care about those who need help, not disparage them and blame things on them, things which are not their fault....the bankers and government must be laughing their heads off - they've successfully diverted the blame from themselves, and have managed to divide people as well....it's heart-breaking..... I already feel like a failure for not working, but if I were working and A went off the rails, well that would be my fault too....I can't win... What's wrong with compassion? What is wrong with helping people? Why do we have to put other people down? Why do we need an 'other' to blame, to say "well I'd never do that, so it's not my fault" - well I get that, it's scary to think that we're not in control all the time, and so yeah, I understand why we have to think it will never happen to us....but it could....and trust me, it's not fun...I'm not living the high life, I can't afford to have the heating on *at all* - even without it on my bills are more than I can afford... I get it, you're working hard, you're struggling too, and then people are on benefits, seemingly living off your money - but I paid into the system as well....should I live on the street because I can't work right now? Should A be on the street because his mum can't work? At what point do we say, I've got mine now screw you? At what point do we stand up and say, enough....things need resolving but demonising a section of society is not the way to deal with it? I don't know. I don't pretend to have all the answers, all I know is that it is extremely painful knowing the way people feel about me.
And of course I have to deal with A, who has been much better (his school parents evening was great, and has given me a smidgeon of hope for the future)....however, as I write this he is angry about something (I don't know what) and my offers of help have been rebuffed with a roar of "go away"....ouch....deep breath and on we go....but oh it's so hard sometimes......
So yeah, things are very very tough at the moment...I'm as close to losing my cool as I've ever been....if I had another adult here to look after A, and to take care of things, then I would probably just give in and weep for a week....but I haven't, so I can't...and so it will be onwards and upwards as much as I can....
Wednesday 20 March 2013
Tuesday 12 March 2013
onwards and upwards
So, it's been a while since I last posted...Last week was hectic, but I coped....I did keep thinking about posting on here, but circumstances always seemed to mean it wasn't a good time to do so. Yay for the coping though, because that has been a big boost to my self esteem.
On Monday A arrived home from school in tears, he had been walking home after saying goodbye to his friend, when some boys had started having a go at him, and one of them had then thrown a bottle (full) into his face. The boys were still hanging around, although when they saw me they did a runner. I was furious, I'd already told the school that I'd ring the police if A was attacked again, and so I made the phone call. A didn't know the name of the boy who'd actually chucked the bottle, and in the end he had to look at pictures of year 7 boys in order to id him. I really just wanted to local beat officer (who was handling it) to go and see the boys and make them realise the seriousness of assaulting people, I didn't want her to arrest them (wouldn't happen anyway) or anything like that - I just wanted them to be aware of the consequences - in the hope that doing do would make them think twice before doing it again. So on Friday I received an email from the officer, in which she stated that whilst he'd admitted what he'd done, the boy was claiming that A had insulted his mother and he had reacted. The implication of the email was that he couldn't be lying because the other boy involved had given the same story - sadly for all of us the gossip network at school meant that they knew the police would be making a visit...I don't know whether A did say anything. What annoyed me was that she went on to say that she needed to come and see us to discuss this. Now, maybe I misunderstood her meaning, but I read that to mean that she wanted to come and tell A off for whatever he may have said. Not to put too fine a point on it, I thought that was a tad ridiculous. A is constantly having to listen to the bullies insulting me, and he knows that he shouldn't react...as far as I can tell, he doesn't. Since when has insulting someone's mother been a police matter anyway? I emailed her back making this point, and advising her that if it is a police matter then I have a list of names for her to check out. Equally, I feel, even if A had insulted his mum, chucking a bottle at him is wrong. I'd punish A if he reacted like that, and I don't see it as a reason/excuse/whatever. So I was slightly peeved by this, and have (politely) let her know. This isn't about protecting A, I've made it clear to him that (despite his denials) he shouldn't be rude about people ever, and that he needs to walk away rather than escalate the situation. Interestingly the mother of the year 7 boy (having heard that the police wanted to talk to him) apparently had contacted the officer prior to the visit, and had told her that he was new to A's school, having left his old school due to bullying. She wanted to contact me, so I allowed the officer to give her my email address. I've heard nothing as of yet, but it made me wonder why, if he'd been so badly bullied (and I have no reason to disbelieve that), he is doing so to others? It's not just A, one of his friends M (a really nice lad) told me that this kid is just vicious to him as well as other kids. I wonder whether he's trying to be 'hard' so that he doesn't get picked on again. Whatever the reason, I hope his mum contacts me soon so that we can maybe work together to sort this out.
So that took up most of the week....however Monday had more to give as one of A's teeth came out whilst he was eating toffee....which was fun...so off we went to the dentist on Tuesday, to confirm that the tooth hadn't snapped...it hadn't, but A needed some work doing so we had to go back on Thursday for a proper examination...and this is where it gets tricky. A has always had a thing about cleaning his teeth. Ever since he was a kid he has hated it. Now he will say he has done it but he hasn't. I don't know why he has this problem. The dentist we saw basically told him that if he didn't start cleaning his teeth, he would refuse to treat him. He said that otherwise he could get in trouble for treating A, without actually making sure he was caring for his teeth. He showed A how to do it, and gave us those tablets which stain your teeth to show where you need to clean. He also said that A needed to come back to have his two upper pointy teeth (yeah, technical term) removed. A was fine when we were in there but as soon as we left it was clear that he was in a foul mood. He point blank refused to clean his teeth, and stated that he didn't want his teeth taken out. I think he hopes that if he refuses to clean his teeth then he won't have to have the extraction as the dentist will refuse to treat him. He didn't even seem to care that all his teeth will fall out if he doesn't clean them. He's too big for me to force it, and I've kinda backed off the topic at the moment, I don't want to make him entrench his position even more... I'm not sure what to do now, we have two weeks till the next appointment, he's with his dad for a lot of that so I'm going to have to enlist his help...but this is a flash point I think....something which has the potential to develop into a massive issue without any good/progress being made. I need some ideas as to what to do... Help!!!
Even with all these issues, this past week has been good. A and I have had a nice time, and we even managed to collaborate in order to get his homework done on Saturday night. (picture below):
He had to design a character for a short story, the character is the leader of a group which is going on a quest. Personally I think it's great.
Of course Sunday was Mothers Day (at least here in the UK) and it was so lovely because A had chosen a card, and had spent some of his money on a bar of chocolate for me. He also chose to stay in and have a chilled out Sunday with me, before heading to his dads. Simple things but they really made my day and cheered me up....
Today has been a bit of a nothing day. I've not felt great, and it wasn't helped by the fact that I had a horrible dream which led to me feeling panicky and freaked out most of the day. It was such a realistic dream, in terms of how I was feeling when I was in it, that I just felt ill when I woke up. I ended up dozing for a bit longer, trying to get the feelings out of me but it didn't work. I hate when this happens. In the dream I did something I'd never do, but the feelings I had when I wanted to tell someone what I'd done but couldn't because I was scared of the consequences, were so real. I'm hoping that tonight I'm able to sleep well and to get over the feelings from last night. When I did finally get up I was greeted by the following -
Yeah. Snow. Not expected but there you go. It snowed all day so I made the executive decision to stay in my pyjamas and chill. I did manage to sort out my research trips, and am planning to be in Winchester on Wednesday and Ash Vale next Monday and Tuesday. So it wasn't a totally wasted day...lol...
So right now, I'm feeling semi-ok. I can feel myself tipping on the edge of a slide down, but so far I've managed to keep myself stable. The bad feelings are still there, and challenging me and it's not easy to ignore them. I still find myself feeling like a failure, and wanting to just give up and hide away. The dream last night hasn't helped because it brought back the panicky feelings and I feel a bit weaker and less able to cope as a result. I'm doing my best to stay strong, and I'm finding that distraction works well most of the time...I can usually find something which will take my mind away from the spiral of depressing thoughts and I'm grateful for that. I know I've come a long way from where I was, but perversely whilst I am proud of that, I'm also finding it harder - I've got more to lose now, and however much I achieve, the underlying problem of my lack of self esteem hasn't been cured yet. So whilst I have improved, the battle to stay at that level is hard...and the desire to just give in is increased...There are some big challenges coming up - the research trips, and a wedding (I'm looking forward to it but also terrified at the same time) not to mention A's parents evening at school and the writing of my next dissertation chapter. I know I *can* do it, but actually doing so is harder than it seems...and yes, I know that probably doesn't make sense.
I'll stop now, else I'll just end up rambling on....I'm so grateful for the support I get...it's noted and appreciated...
On Monday A arrived home from school in tears, he had been walking home after saying goodbye to his friend, when some boys had started having a go at him, and one of them had then thrown a bottle (full) into his face. The boys were still hanging around, although when they saw me they did a runner. I was furious, I'd already told the school that I'd ring the police if A was attacked again, and so I made the phone call. A didn't know the name of the boy who'd actually chucked the bottle, and in the end he had to look at pictures of year 7 boys in order to id him. I really just wanted to local beat officer (who was handling it) to go and see the boys and make them realise the seriousness of assaulting people, I didn't want her to arrest them (wouldn't happen anyway) or anything like that - I just wanted them to be aware of the consequences - in the hope that doing do would make them think twice before doing it again. So on Friday I received an email from the officer, in which she stated that whilst he'd admitted what he'd done, the boy was claiming that A had insulted his mother and he had reacted. The implication of the email was that he couldn't be lying because the other boy involved had given the same story - sadly for all of us the gossip network at school meant that they knew the police would be making a visit...I don't know whether A did say anything. What annoyed me was that she went on to say that she needed to come and see us to discuss this. Now, maybe I misunderstood her meaning, but I read that to mean that she wanted to come and tell A off for whatever he may have said. Not to put too fine a point on it, I thought that was a tad ridiculous. A is constantly having to listen to the bullies insulting me, and he knows that he shouldn't react...as far as I can tell, he doesn't. Since when has insulting someone's mother been a police matter anyway? I emailed her back making this point, and advising her that if it is a police matter then I have a list of names for her to check out. Equally, I feel, even if A had insulted his mum, chucking a bottle at him is wrong. I'd punish A if he reacted like that, and I don't see it as a reason/excuse/whatever. So I was slightly peeved by this, and have (politely) let her know. This isn't about protecting A, I've made it clear to him that (despite his denials) he shouldn't be rude about people ever, and that he needs to walk away rather than escalate the situation. Interestingly the mother of the year 7 boy (having heard that the police wanted to talk to him) apparently had contacted the officer prior to the visit, and had told her that he was new to A's school, having left his old school due to bullying. She wanted to contact me, so I allowed the officer to give her my email address. I've heard nothing as of yet, but it made me wonder why, if he'd been so badly bullied (and I have no reason to disbelieve that), he is doing so to others? It's not just A, one of his friends M (a really nice lad) told me that this kid is just vicious to him as well as other kids. I wonder whether he's trying to be 'hard' so that he doesn't get picked on again. Whatever the reason, I hope his mum contacts me soon so that we can maybe work together to sort this out.
So that took up most of the week....however Monday had more to give as one of A's teeth came out whilst he was eating toffee....which was fun...so off we went to the dentist on Tuesday, to confirm that the tooth hadn't snapped...it hadn't, but A needed some work doing so we had to go back on Thursday for a proper examination...and this is where it gets tricky. A has always had a thing about cleaning his teeth. Ever since he was a kid he has hated it. Now he will say he has done it but he hasn't. I don't know why he has this problem. The dentist we saw basically told him that if he didn't start cleaning his teeth, he would refuse to treat him. He said that otherwise he could get in trouble for treating A, without actually making sure he was caring for his teeth. He showed A how to do it, and gave us those tablets which stain your teeth to show where you need to clean. He also said that A needed to come back to have his two upper pointy teeth (yeah, technical term) removed. A was fine when we were in there but as soon as we left it was clear that he was in a foul mood. He point blank refused to clean his teeth, and stated that he didn't want his teeth taken out. I think he hopes that if he refuses to clean his teeth then he won't have to have the extraction as the dentist will refuse to treat him. He didn't even seem to care that all his teeth will fall out if he doesn't clean them. He's too big for me to force it, and I've kinda backed off the topic at the moment, I don't want to make him entrench his position even more... I'm not sure what to do now, we have two weeks till the next appointment, he's with his dad for a lot of that so I'm going to have to enlist his help...but this is a flash point I think....something which has the potential to develop into a massive issue without any good/progress being made. I need some ideas as to what to do... Help!!!
Even with all these issues, this past week has been good. A and I have had a nice time, and we even managed to collaborate in order to get his homework done on Saturday night. (picture below):
He had to design a character for a short story, the character is the leader of a group which is going on a quest. Personally I think it's great.
Of course Sunday was Mothers Day (at least here in the UK) and it was so lovely because A had chosen a card, and had spent some of his money on a bar of chocolate for me. He also chose to stay in and have a chilled out Sunday with me, before heading to his dads. Simple things but they really made my day and cheered me up....
Today has been a bit of a nothing day. I've not felt great, and it wasn't helped by the fact that I had a horrible dream which led to me feeling panicky and freaked out most of the day. It was such a realistic dream, in terms of how I was feeling when I was in it, that I just felt ill when I woke up. I ended up dozing for a bit longer, trying to get the feelings out of me but it didn't work. I hate when this happens. In the dream I did something I'd never do, but the feelings I had when I wanted to tell someone what I'd done but couldn't because I was scared of the consequences, were so real. I'm hoping that tonight I'm able to sleep well and to get over the feelings from last night. When I did finally get up I was greeted by the following -
Yeah. Snow. Not expected but there you go. It snowed all day so I made the executive decision to stay in my pyjamas and chill. I did manage to sort out my research trips, and am planning to be in Winchester on Wednesday and Ash Vale next Monday and Tuesday. So it wasn't a totally wasted day...lol...
So right now, I'm feeling semi-ok. I can feel myself tipping on the edge of a slide down, but so far I've managed to keep myself stable. The bad feelings are still there, and challenging me and it's not easy to ignore them. I still find myself feeling like a failure, and wanting to just give up and hide away. The dream last night hasn't helped because it brought back the panicky feelings and I feel a bit weaker and less able to cope as a result. I'm doing my best to stay strong, and I'm finding that distraction works well most of the time...I can usually find something which will take my mind away from the spiral of depressing thoughts and I'm grateful for that. I know I've come a long way from where I was, but perversely whilst I am proud of that, I'm also finding it harder - I've got more to lose now, and however much I achieve, the underlying problem of my lack of self esteem hasn't been cured yet. So whilst I have improved, the battle to stay at that level is hard...and the desire to just give in is increased...There are some big challenges coming up - the research trips, and a wedding (I'm looking forward to it but also terrified at the same time) not to mention A's parents evening at school and the writing of my next dissertation chapter. I know I *can* do it, but actually doing so is harder than it seems...and yes, I know that probably doesn't make sense.
I'll stop now, else I'll just end up rambling on....I'm so grateful for the support I get...it's noted and appreciated...
Sunday 3 March 2013
You've got that Sunday feeling................
Well it's Sunday...again...funny how often it comes around isn't it...lol...it's a conspiracy I tells ya, a conspiracy.... Anyway, I thought I'd blog today, partly cos I feel the need to, and partly cos I realised that I hadn't blogged for a while... Today has been a pj day....I'm not feeling 100%, fighting off some winter bug thing I expect, and so I decided that I'd take it easy. After all, yesterday I nearly yanked my arm out of its socket pulling my old-lady trolley home from Tesco...buying 12 tins of cat food, 8 pints of milk, 6 x 1.5l bottles of water and other assorted food items has a tendency to make said trolley almost too heavy to pull....ah well....at least I stocked up....
So, this week....well it was busy....and fairly eventful....but not as bad as I'd feared it would be... Tuesday saw me heading off, with my mum, to the Magistrates court in Portsmouth....now, when you're sent a summons that tells you to be there at 1:30pm, you'd think that meant a) that's when your case is and b) you need to be there before that time to ensure you're not late....well you think that, unless you're Portsmouth magistrates court that is....In their world, telling someone to be there at 1:30pm actually means this: that the ushers arrive at that time but court doesn't start till 2pm and that there are actually 30 other cases and you just have to wait your turn...sigh.....As it happened, the council (who I now credit with having a little bit more sense and caring than I previously thought they had) sent staff along to try and resolve issues before the court started. The lady who spoke to me was very nice, if a bit naïve about how being on benefits actually works with regard to having money (or not)....the upshot was that I didn't have to attend court, and that she is going to monitor my account, make sure that the application for council tax benefit is dealt with and that the amount I owe is adjusted accordingly. I do now have a liability order to my name, which is nice...lol....and when mum asked what would happen if I couldn't afford to pay the outstanding amount, we were told that they would take a max of £3 per week from my benefits...now I know that doesn't sound like a lot but it's enough to cause me a problem...I live on so little, that anything more taken off me is going to make trouble. Ah well, cross that bridge when we come to it etc..... Having been sent up to the council offices to hand in the benefit application, we waited for a while there before heading home via the shops to buy some muffins...a well deserved treat....
It was so lovely to have mum down, even for a couple of days... A likes seeing her as well, and it take some of the pressure off me when she is able to back me up. We enjoyed some nice, chilled out relaxing time together... I can't wait for the summer, when hopefully she'll come down for longer...
Wednesday saw me at the station, waving mum off, before heading to the library to do some research...It's so good to be back in the saddle and working properly on my dissertation. I really enjoyed myself, and I'm looking forward to going back in a couple of times this week... I find it very relaxing, just looking through the old documents and it's exciting to find things I can use in the dissertation. I'm particularly chuffed to find that I can use the word "claptrap" when writing the dissertation....it's a great word, and I'd like to thank the gentlemen of the Portsmouth Philosophical society for using it in their 1872 meeting....I'm not quite so impressed with their attitude towards women, but given that they were 19th century misogynists I guess I'll have to let it slide....
Counselling on Thursday was really good. Adrian challenges me, which isn't easy to take, but I'm finding that it really helps...I do feel as though I'm getting somewhere, although clearly I have a long way to go. One thing which is really concerning me is that, as I'm getting better, so the obvious effects of the depression/anxiety aren't as clear - and so people think I'm ok, all better...which isn't a problem, unless those people are my GP and ATOS...I'm fearful that when I go back the GP will think I'm ok when I'm not, and I said to Adrian that I'm also worried that I may sabotage myself out of this fear...i.e. by worrying myself into another panicked state... I want to get better, but I'm also scared that I will be faced with the removal of support before I'm really better.... I don't know if that makes sense, it's hard to put into words really. The fact is that ATOS are likely to deem me well enough to work, whether I am or not....I still haven't heard back from them, and the waiting is hard...If they don't think a man who's incapacitated from a stroke is unfit for work, then they won't think I am...for sure....so it's a kind of dread, and a hope that I can slip through the cracks there for long enough that I can heal and truly be better...we'll see....
I also made a visit to Camhs on Thursday, to receive confirmation that A does not have ADHD but has some serious issues regarding change, attachment, impulse control and attention span...L is going to write to all concerned and make it clear that the support he's receiving now, must continue and that any changes need to be advised well in advance so that he and I are both prepared... In the meantime we will carry on as we are, because A has been better...she picked up on the fact that I'm fearful that things will go downhill again (my counsellor noted that same)... she said it's normal and understandable but I know I've got to stop this. It's not conscious half the time, I don't realise I'm doing it but it's adding to my anxiety and that's not good. Yes, we have had times before when A has been well behaved for months before exploding but that doesn't mean it will happen again... And I have to remember that...
Friday saw me meeting with my dissertation supervisor, and it was a good meeting. I'm feeling good about the dissertation for the first time in a while and he was very complimentary about it, helping me to see where I need to change things, and to realise that I do know what I'm doing - I just need some help to put it into words....
All in all this week hasn't been as bad as I thought...yes it was busy, and yes there were stressful times but I handled it. I didn't hide away. I dealt with it, and this is a good thing.... Right now, I'm stressed but I think that's just normal Sunday night feeling. A is back from his dad's and is playing upstairs (has his train set out and from the roars I think that Molly-cat is trying to join in, much to his displeasure)... I'm taking pleasure from the fact that I have such amazing family and friends...I really am very fortunate and I appreciate you all very much...letting me vent, telling me the truth, advising me - it can't be easy, but I'm so glad you're here for me. I'm also taking pleasure in the fact that no matter how I feel, my kitties are here - I love that they lie next to me, close and warm, it's comforting... So now, I'm off to chill with a book and a cat.... I may be stressed but I'm also feeling good, and looking forward to the coming week.... and that's not a bad way to be :)
So, this week....well it was busy....and fairly eventful....but not as bad as I'd feared it would be... Tuesday saw me heading off, with my mum, to the Magistrates court in Portsmouth....now, when you're sent a summons that tells you to be there at 1:30pm, you'd think that meant a) that's when your case is and b) you need to be there before that time to ensure you're not late....well you think that, unless you're Portsmouth magistrates court that is....In their world, telling someone to be there at 1:30pm actually means this: that the ushers arrive at that time but court doesn't start till 2pm and that there are actually 30 other cases and you just have to wait your turn...sigh.....As it happened, the council (who I now credit with having a little bit more sense and caring than I previously thought they had) sent staff along to try and resolve issues before the court started. The lady who spoke to me was very nice, if a bit naïve about how being on benefits actually works with regard to having money (or not)....the upshot was that I didn't have to attend court, and that she is going to monitor my account, make sure that the application for council tax benefit is dealt with and that the amount I owe is adjusted accordingly. I do now have a liability order to my name, which is nice...lol....and when mum asked what would happen if I couldn't afford to pay the outstanding amount, we were told that they would take a max of £3 per week from my benefits...now I know that doesn't sound like a lot but it's enough to cause me a problem...I live on so little, that anything more taken off me is going to make trouble. Ah well, cross that bridge when we come to it etc..... Having been sent up to the council offices to hand in the benefit application, we waited for a while there before heading home via the shops to buy some muffins...a well deserved treat....
It was so lovely to have mum down, even for a couple of days... A likes seeing her as well, and it take some of the pressure off me when she is able to back me up. We enjoyed some nice, chilled out relaxing time together... I can't wait for the summer, when hopefully she'll come down for longer...
Wednesday saw me at the station, waving mum off, before heading to the library to do some research...It's so good to be back in the saddle and working properly on my dissertation. I really enjoyed myself, and I'm looking forward to going back in a couple of times this week... I find it very relaxing, just looking through the old documents and it's exciting to find things I can use in the dissertation. I'm particularly chuffed to find that I can use the word "claptrap" when writing the dissertation....it's a great word, and I'd like to thank the gentlemen of the Portsmouth Philosophical society for using it in their 1872 meeting....I'm not quite so impressed with their attitude towards women, but given that they were 19th century misogynists I guess I'll have to let it slide....
Counselling on Thursday was really good. Adrian challenges me, which isn't easy to take, but I'm finding that it really helps...I do feel as though I'm getting somewhere, although clearly I have a long way to go. One thing which is really concerning me is that, as I'm getting better, so the obvious effects of the depression/anxiety aren't as clear - and so people think I'm ok, all better...which isn't a problem, unless those people are my GP and ATOS...I'm fearful that when I go back the GP will think I'm ok when I'm not, and I said to Adrian that I'm also worried that I may sabotage myself out of this fear...i.e. by worrying myself into another panicked state... I want to get better, but I'm also scared that I will be faced with the removal of support before I'm really better.... I don't know if that makes sense, it's hard to put into words really. The fact is that ATOS are likely to deem me well enough to work, whether I am or not....I still haven't heard back from them, and the waiting is hard...If they don't think a man who's incapacitated from a stroke is unfit for work, then they won't think I am...for sure....so it's a kind of dread, and a hope that I can slip through the cracks there for long enough that I can heal and truly be better...we'll see....
I also made a visit to Camhs on Thursday, to receive confirmation that A does not have ADHD but has some serious issues regarding change, attachment, impulse control and attention span...L is going to write to all concerned and make it clear that the support he's receiving now, must continue and that any changes need to be advised well in advance so that he and I are both prepared... In the meantime we will carry on as we are, because A has been better...she picked up on the fact that I'm fearful that things will go downhill again (my counsellor noted that same)... she said it's normal and understandable but I know I've got to stop this. It's not conscious half the time, I don't realise I'm doing it but it's adding to my anxiety and that's not good. Yes, we have had times before when A has been well behaved for months before exploding but that doesn't mean it will happen again... And I have to remember that...
Friday saw me meeting with my dissertation supervisor, and it was a good meeting. I'm feeling good about the dissertation for the first time in a while and he was very complimentary about it, helping me to see where I need to change things, and to realise that I do know what I'm doing - I just need some help to put it into words....
All in all this week hasn't been as bad as I thought...yes it was busy, and yes there were stressful times but I handled it. I didn't hide away. I dealt with it, and this is a good thing.... Right now, I'm stressed but I think that's just normal Sunday night feeling. A is back from his dad's and is playing upstairs (has his train set out and from the roars I think that Molly-cat is trying to join in, much to his displeasure)... I'm taking pleasure from the fact that I have such amazing family and friends...I really am very fortunate and I appreciate you all very much...letting me vent, telling me the truth, advising me - it can't be easy, but I'm so glad you're here for me. I'm also taking pleasure in the fact that no matter how I feel, my kitties are here - I love that they lie next to me, close and warm, it's comforting... So now, I'm off to chill with a book and a cat.... I may be stressed but I'm also feeling good, and looking forward to the coming week.... and that's not a bad way to be :)
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