Well it's Sunday...again...funny how often it comes around isn't it...lol...it's a conspiracy I tells ya, a conspiracy.... Anyway, I thought I'd blog today, partly cos I feel the need to, and partly cos I realised that I hadn't blogged for a while... Today has been a pj day....I'm not feeling 100%, fighting off some winter bug thing I expect, and so I decided that I'd take it easy. After all, yesterday I nearly yanked my arm out of its socket pulling my old-lady trolley home from Tesco...buying 12 tins of cat food, 8 pints of milk, 6 x 1.5l bottles of water and other assorted food items has a tendency to make said trolley almost too heavy to pull....ah well....at least I stocked up....
So, this week....well it was busy....and fairly eventful....but not as bad as I'd feared it would be... Tuesday saw me heading off, with my mum, to the Magistrates court in Portsmouth....now, when you're sent a summons that tells you to be there at 1:30pm, you'd think that meant a) that's when your case is and b) you need to be there before that time to ensure you're not late....well you think that, unless you're Portsmouth magistrates court that is....In their world, telling someone to be there at 1:30pm actually means this: that the ushers arrive at that time but court doesn't start till 2pm and that there are actually 30 other cases and you just have to wait your turn...sigh.....As it happened, the council (who I now credit with having a little bit more sense and caring than I previously thought they had) sent staff along to try and resolve issues before the court started. The lady who spoke to me was very nice, if a bit naïve about how being on benefits actually works with regard to having money (or not)....the upshot was that I didn't have to attend court, and that she is going to monitor my account, make sure that the application for council tax benefit is dealt with and that the amount I owe is adjusted accordingly. I do now have a liability order to my name, which is nice...lol....and when mum asked what would happen if I couldn't afford to pay the outstanding amount, we were told that they would take a max of £3 per week from my benefits...now I know that doesn't sound like a lot but it's enough to cause me a problem...I live on so little, that anything more taken off me is going to make trouble. Ah well, cross that bridge when we come to it etc..... Having been sent up to the council offices to hand in the benefit application, we waited for a while there before heading home via the shops to buy some muffins...a well deserved treat....
It was so lovely to have mum down, even for a couple of days... A likes seeing her as well, and it take some of the pressure off me when she is able to back me up. We enjoyed some nice, chilled out relaxing time together... I can't wait for the summer, when hopefully she'll come down for longer...
Wednesday saw me at the station, waving mum off, before heading to the library to do some research...It's so good to be back in the saddle and working properly on my dissertation. I really enjoyed myself, and I'm looking forward to going back in a couple of times this week... I find it very relaxing, just looking through the old documents and it's exciting to find things I can use in the dissertation. I'm particularly chuffed to find that I can use the word "claptrap" when writing the dissertation....it's a great word, and I'd like to thank the gentlemen of the Portsmouth Philosophical society for using it in their 1872 meeting....I'm not quite so impressed with their attitude towards women, but given that they were 19th century misogynists I guess I'll have to let it slide....
Counselling on Thursday was really good. Adrian challenges me, which isn't easy to take, but I'm finding that it really helps...I do feel as though I'm getting somewhere, although clearly I have a long way to go. One thing which is really concerning me is that, as I'm getting better, so the obvious effects of the depression/anxiety aren't as clear - and so people think I'm ok, all better...which isn't a problem, unless those people are my GP and ATOS...I'm fearful that when I go back the GP will think I'm ok when I'm not, and I said to Adrian that I'm also worried that I may sabotage myself out of this fear...i.e. by worrying myself into another panicked state... I want to get better, but I'm also scared that I will be faced with the removal of support before I'm really better.... I don't know if that makes sense, it's hard to put into words really. The fact is that ATOS are likely to deem me well enough to work, whether I am or not....I still haven't heard back from them, and the waiting is hard...If they don't think a man who's incapacitated from a stroke is unfit for work, then they won't think I am...for sure....so it's a kind of dread, and a hope that I can slip through the cracks there for long enough that I can heal and truly be better...we'll see....
I also made a visit to Camhs on Thursday, to receive confirmation that A does not have ADHD but has some serious issues regarding change, attachment, impulse control and attention span...L is going to write to all concerned and make it clear that the support he's receiving now, must continue and that any changes need to be advised well in advance so that he and I are both prepared... In the meantime we will carry on as we are, because A has been better...she picked up on the fact that I'm fearful that things will go downhill again (my counsellor noted that same)... she said it's normal and understandable but I know I've got to stop this. It's not conscious half the time, I don't realise I'm doing it but it's adding to my anxiety and that's not good. Yes, we have had times before when A has been well behaved for months before exploding but that doesn't mean it will happen again... And I have to remember that...
Friday saw me meeting with my dissertation supervisor, and it was a good meeting. I'm feeling good about the dissertation for the first time in a while and he was very complimentary about it, helping me to see where I need to change things, and to realise that I do know what I'm doing - I just need some help to put it into words....
All in all this week hasn't been as bad as I thought...yes it was busy, and yes there were stressful times but I handled it. I didn't hide away. I dealt with it, and this is a good thing.... Right now, I'm stressed but I think that's just normal Sunday night feeling. A is back from his dad's and is playing upstairs (has his train set out and from the roars I think that Molly-cat is trying to join in, much to his displeasure)... I'm taking pleasure from the fact that I have such amazing family and friends...I really am very fortunate and I appreciate you all very much...letting me vent, telling me the truth, advising me - it can't be easy, but I'm so glad you're here for me. I'm also taking pleasure in the fact that no matter how I feel, my kitties are here - I love that they lie next to me, close and warm, it's comforting... So now, I'm off to chill with a book and a cat.... I may be stressed but I'm also feeling good, and looking forward to the coming week.... and that's not a bad way to be :)
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