On Monday A arrived home from school in tears, he had been walking home after saying goodbye to his friend, when some boys had started having a go at him, and one of them had then thrown a bottle (full) into his face. The boys were still hanging around, although when they saw me they did a runner. I was furious, I'd already told the school that I'd ring the police if A was attacked again, and so I made the phone call. A didn't know the name of the boy who'd actually chucked the bottle, and in the end he had to look at pictures of year 7 boys in order to id him. I really just wanted to local beat officer (who was handling it) to go and see the boys and make them realise the seriousness of assaulting people, I didn't want her to arrest them (wouldn't happen anyway) or anything like that - I just wanted them to be aware of the consequences - in the hope that doing do would make them think twice before doing it again. So on Friday I received an email from the officer, in which she stated that whilst he'd admitted what he'd done, the boy was claiming that A had insulted his mother and he had reacted. The implication of the email was that he couldn't be lying because the other boy involved had given the same story - sadly for all of us the gossip network at school meant that they knew the police would be making a visit...I don't know whether A did say anything. What annoyed me was that she went on to say that she needed to come and see us to discuss this. Now, maybe I misunderstood her meaning, but I read that to mean that she wanted to come and tell A off for whatever he may have said. Not to put too fine a point on it, I thought that was a tad ridiculous. A is constantly having to listen to the bullies insulting me, and he knows that he shouldn't react...as far as I can tell, he doesn't. Since when has insulting someone's mother been a police matter anyway? I emailed her back making this point, and advising her that if it is a police matter then I have a list of names for her to check out. Equally, I feel, even if A had insulted his mum, chucking a bottle at him is wrong. I'd punish A if he reacted like that, and I don't see it as a reason/excuse/whatever. So I was slightly peeved by this, and have (politely) let her know. This isn't about protecting A, I've made it clear to him that (despite his denials) he shouldn't be rude about people ever, and that he needs to walk away rather than escalate the situation. Interestingly the mother of the year 7 boy (having heard that the police wanted to talk to him) apparently had contacted the officer prior to the visit, and had told her that he was new to A's school, having left his old school due to bullying. She wanted to contact me, so I allowed the officer to give her my email address. I've heard nothing as of yet, but it made me wonder why, if he'd been so badly bullied (and I have no reason to disbelieve that), he is doing so to others? It's not just A, one of his friends M (a really nice lad) told me that this kid is just vicious to him as well as other kids. I wonder whether he's trying to be 'hard' so that he doesn't get picked on again. Whatever the reason, I hope his mum contacts me soon so that we can maybe work together to sort this out.
So that took up most of the week....however Monday had more to give as one of A's teeth came out whilst he was eating toffee....which was fun...so off we went to the dentist on Tuesday, to confirm that the tooth hadn't snapped...it hadn't, but A needed some work doing so we had to go back on Thursday for a proper examination...and this is where it gets tricky. A has always had a thing about cleaning his teeth. Ever since he was a kid he has hated it. Now he will say he has done it but he hasn't. I don't know why he has this problem. The dentist we saw basically told him that if he didn't start cleaning his teeth, he would refuse to treat him. He said that otherwise he could get in trouble for treating A, without actually making sure he was caring for his teeth. He showed A how to do it, and gave us those tablets which stain your teeth to show where you need to clean. He also said that A needed to come back to have his two upper pointy teeth (yeah, technical term) removed. A was fine when we were in there but as soon as we left it was clear that he was in a foul mood. He point blank refused to clean his teeth, and stated that he didn't want his teeth taken out. I think he hopes that if he refuses to clean his teeth then he won't have to have the extraction as the dentist will refuse to treat him. He didn't even seem to care that all his teeth will fall out if he doesn't clean them. He's too big for me to force it, and I've kinda backed off the topic at the moment, I don't want to make him entrench his position even more... I'm not sure what to do now, we have two weeks till the next appointment, he's with his dad for a lot of that so I'm going to have to enlist his help...but this is a flash point I think....something which has the potential to develop into a massive issue without any good/progress being made. I need some ideas as to what to do... Help!!!
Even with all these issues, this past week has been good. A and I have had a nice time, and we even managed to collaborate in order to get his homework done on Saturday night. (picture below):
He had to design a character for a short story, the character is the leader of a group which is going on a quest. Personally I think it's great.
Of course Sunday was Mothers Day (at least here in the UK) and it was so lovely because A had chosen a card, and had spent some of his money on a bar of chocolate for me. He also chose to stay in and have a chilled out Sunday with me, before heading to his dads. Simple things but they really made my day and cheered me up....
Today has been a bit of a nothing day. I've not felt great, and it wasn't helped by the fact that I had a horrible dream which led to me feeling panicky and freaked out most of the day. It was such a realistic dream, in terms of how I was feeling when I was in it, that I just felt ill when I woke up. I ended up dozing for a bit longer, trying to get the feelings out of me but it didn't work. I hate when this happens. In the dream I did something I'd never do, but the feelings I had when I wanted to tell someone what I'd done but couldn't because I was scared of the consequences, were so real. I'm hoping that tonight I'm able to sleep well and to get over the feelings from last night. When I did finally get up I was greeted by the following -
Yeah. Snow. Not expected but there you go. It snowed all day so I made the executive decision to stay in my pyjamas and chill. I did manage to sort out my research trips, and am planning to be in Winchester on Wednesday and Ash Vale next Monday and Tuesday. So it wasn't a totally wasted day...lol...
So right now, I'm feeling semi-ok. I can feel myself tipping on the edge of a slide down, but so far I've managed to keep myself stable. The bad feelings are still there, and challenging me and it's not easy to ignore them. I still find myself feeling like a failure, and wanting to just give up and hide away. The dream last night hasn't helped because it brought back the panicky feelings and I feel a bit weaker and less able to cope as a result. I'm doing my best to stay strong, and I'm finding that distraction works well most of the time...I can usually find something which will take my mind away from the spiral of depressing thoughts and I'm grateful for that. I know I've come a long way from where I was, but perversely whilst I am proud of that, I'm also finding it harder - I've got more to lose now, and however much I achieve, the underlying problem of my lack of self esteem hasn't been cured yet. So whilst I have improved, the battle to stay at that level is hard...and the desire to just give in is increased...There are some big challenges coming up - the research trips, and a wedding (I'm looking forward to it but also terrified at the same time) not to mention A's parents evening at school and the writing of my next dissertation chapter. I know I *can* do it, but actually doing so is harder than it seems...and yes, I know that probably doesn't make sense.
I'll stop now, else I'll just end up rambling on....I'm so grateful for the support I get...it's noted and appreciated...
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