Turbulence

It's been a while since I last blogged and that is down to the fact that I am a complete muppeT sometimes...well, okay, quite a lot of the time really. In this particular instance however, I achieved PhD levels of stupidity, and managed to screw up several days as well...yay me... So, what did I do? Well I panicked, over-reacted, didn't investigate properly when my laptop began to have charging problems. I just assumed that there was a problem with the charger, or the battery or even the laptop itself. I did check the cables and plugs, but didn't see a problem, and when it just started charging again, I thought that there was clearly a problem with the laptop. Long story, short: I arranged for it to be picked up and resigned myself to a week without a laptop. Then, on Saturday, I came to charge my phone, only to realise that it wasn't charging either. At that point I went over to the wall socket, and low and behold, the plug was hanging out... I have no idea why it had been working on and off, and no idea how it came out (although my working hypothesis is to blame the cats who knocked a whole pile of books onto the cable which could have yanked it out). I am recognising my idiocy in not checking the plug more carefully, but I am also so relieved that I don't have to send my laptop away. Anyway, the embarrassment is lingering. Which is nice.

All the stress, and worry over the laptop had to go somewhere, and sadly it seems to have transformed into a lot of anger, frustration, and sadness. I have tried really hard over the weekend to be nice to myself, to take it easy, and not force things. I hoped that this would mean that the bad feelings lessened, and that I would be able to pick up my dissertation again today with a fresh state of mind. Yeah, it didn't work out like that. Right now, I am a bundle of turbulent emotion. Depending on the trigger I could easily cry, or lash out in anger, or just lose it completely. To make things even more tricky, I have A this week. So I can't take myself off to bed, and it is likely that I will have to deal with some tricky moments, without exploding. Normally, when I feel like this, I withdraw from people; but I can't withdraw from A, and I don't really want to. He's my son, and I love him. He doesn't deserve to suffer because of my illness. But the consequence of this is that I end up bottling things up and taking more stress on board than is helpful.

I really intended to crack on with my dissertation today, but for whatever reason, whether it's the emotions, or the fact that my 'flow' was disrupted by the issues last week, I found it almost impossible to do any work. I made myself carry on, and I have written 300 words. I'm pretending to be happy about it, but really I feel like a failure. I joke about being distracted by the tennis, but really I was so focused on trying to squeeze the words out that the TV may as well have been switched off. It didn't help that I seem to have forgotten some (rather important) information, which meant that I had to dig it out and read it again. Failures like that frustrate me, and I do get angry with myself. Which I guess doesn't help.

My mood wasn't helped by the fact that I was on the receiving end of some (relatively harmless but nonetheless unpleasant) comments on Twitter. I had no idea about these until I went on today, and just happened to check my 'interactions' as they're called. I'd made a rather innocuous jokey comment and someone had retweeted it, and all of a sudden total strangers are calling me names, making it clear that they had read my brief 'bio', and tailoring the insults to that...being called a retarded (I hate that word) c*nt (hate that word too) was a bit of a shock, and I know that I shouldn't care what people I don't even know think of me but, ow, it hurt! It really did. Especially as several of them were going back and forth in 'conversation' about how awful I am. It felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and I really wish I hadn't seen those tweets. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get rid of those insults, they keep going round my head, and I can't stop feeling crap. I see stuff on FB and Twitter which I don't like, it happens all the time, but I wouldn't go after the person, especially if I didn't know them. I can't understand why people do that.

I really just want to go up, get into bed, and be able to read/snuggle with the cats/listen to some music, and hopefully fall asleep earlier than I did last night. However, as I have A, this is not possible. For whatever reason my ability to cope with this is very limited. I am really hoping that the evening is peaceful, so that we can both get a decent night's sleep and wake up refreshed tomorrow morning. I have to believe that tomorrow will be better.

I have nice plans for tomorrow: I'm seeing K, my friend who has been through so much with me. I haven't seen her for a while, as she is working now. But she is on maternity leave (squeal, so excited for baby cuddles), and so we are meeting up tomorrow. I cannot wait. It has been way too long and the feeling of excitement is (thankfully) breaking through the grimness of my other emotions. I'm taking tomorrow away from the dissertation. Today was such a disaster and I'm meeting K for lunch, so I've decided to dedicate tomorrow to getting 'tasks' done - posting things, going to the library, shopping and so on. It takes the pressure off, and hopefully means that by Wednesday I will be feeling much better and more capable. In theory, I should be able to crack on with the dissertation on Wednesday and make lots of lovely progress. Fingers crossed anyway.

So that's me, at the moment... Not doing brilliantly, but still fighting. When I post this, I'm going to have a chat with A, see what he feels like doing, and try to make the most of the rest of today. Hopefully I'll be able to relax and let some of this stress and anger go. I don't like having it, and it will leave eventually. In the meantime, Molly cat is snoring, which has at least made me chuckle a little bit... that and the rather awesome cartoon of myself which I made earlier (yeah, I was trying everything to make myself feel better). I was going to upload it for you all to see but Blogger is being a pain and won't let me upload any pictures...ah well.. next time, I promise.................

Gloomy, with a brighter outlook

This has been a tricky week. For various reasons I have spent much of it fighting a desire to hide. I'm pleased to say that, hard as it was, I did manage to function, carry on, and to get things done. Yay for that. 

I can't say too much about what triggered the major anxiety of this week; it's not my story to tell, I was only involved tangentially, and I don't want to break a confidence. Suffice it to say that there was a falling out between people I care about. I am not good with conflict at the best of times, but when it involves people who I value in my life very much, it is twice as hard to cope with. It brought it home to me, just how much I rely on my friends; sharing my fears and getting advice, not to mention the lighter stuff and the day to day caring. Seeing the evidence after it had all happened, actually triggered a panic attack in me. And just saying that now, I still feel guilty. Because it wasn't about me. I wasn't involved at all. But it had that impact on me, and it has lasted all week. 

Part of it was just the deep dislike, almost phobia, which I have about conflict. I can argue/discuss with people I don't know, online, without any problems. As soon as I know them, then I find it harder to do this. [side note: this is why I join groups on FB to discuss political/social/cultural issues - I can argue and get it all out, without caring/worrying if I've upset someone I care about, very liberating.] When it involves friends then I literally panic: my heart races, I shake, and feel sick, and I get tearful. I have been like this for years, but it is getting worse. It's worse if I'm not involved, if I'm just observing. Because then I feel the upset for both sides, and I want to make it better but I'm scared of making it worse. So I stay out of it. And then feel guilty for doing so. It is a huge mess. But it is nothing compared to those who went through it for real, and I'm still hurting for them now. So I end up in a state, going round and round, guilt and upset taking turns to kick me in the stomach.... 

However a bigger part of it was the upheaval which resulted; as I've said before I'm not good with change, and change which results from a situation like this is doubly difficult. Not to mention that I feel guilty for even being upset about it, because, well, why should I be upset? Except that I can't control it. Anyone who thinks that I choose to feel like this is off their rocker. It is horrible. I can't sleep, relax or enjoy myself for too long, before the feeling of sadness and guilt overwhelms me again. Even writing this I feel like I'm putting myself in the middle of it, making it about me, but really that's not my intention. I promise. I'm just trying to explain why and how this week has been hard. And believe me, I wish I wasn't affected this way. Life would be easier for sure. 

I made myself go out on Tuesday, after waking up to the above. It was the right decision. It stopped me from dwelling on things, and as many of you know, the library is a haven for me. Browsing the shelves, discovering some new books, and old favourites, was just what I needed. When I got home, I was feeling better and more able to push the bad feelings away and soldier on. Wednesday I had my physio appointment. I was feeling a little apprehensive because I was seeing a new physio, a man, and I had missed the first appointment (overslept during half term, oops). So of course I was pleasantly surprised. He was lovely. He listened to me, and he was the first one, of all the medical people I've seen, to ask me to walk so he could watch my knee as I did so. Which turned out to be one of the best things he could have done. He also took on board what I said about how having a stick to lean on had helped when we went round the museum a couple of weeks ago. The upshot of all this is that a) I have been stiffening up my knee when I walk, rather than bending it, and this is the cause of some of my discomfort, and b) the stick, used properly, will help to support my knee during periods when the Osgood-Schlatters flares up (oh yeah, he confirmed that I still have that, and that it is bad at the moment.) Since then I have walked several times; I am walking faster and bending my knee and although I'm still having pain, it is nowhere near as bad as it was and I feel better. Which is brilliant. And has been a bright spark for this week. Fingers crossed that the stick, combined with the adjusted walking style and the exercises, will help. He said it will be a long term thing but I am okay with that now. 

I have also finished the research for my dissertation. I had planned to start the writing this week, but under the circumstances this wasn't possible. I will, all being well, start on Monday. In the meantime I plan to have a relax/take care of myself day tomorrow, and then I am taking A to Bognor Regis on the train on Sunday. It's on £10 return on the train, and I feel we both need to do something semi-spontaneous and fun like this. 

Speaking of A, it has been a mixed week. Let me say though, that overall I am so proud of him. He has had a problem with the bullies again, and he knows that he didn't help himself with his reaction. However, he has taken his punishment without (much) argument. He has also had exams, which he hates (funny that), but which seem to have gone well. I'm proud of him for showing a good attitude, and making a big effort in them. He didn't want to go in, but he did. A year ago, he wouldn't have done. He has come a long way. He has also dealt with some issues outside of school, including an adult, the parent of one of his friends, texting him and telling him to stay away from them. To say I was unhappy about this is an understatement. I thought it was completely out of order that he was so aggressive with A, and that he refused to speak to me about it, he actually said that he wouldn't talk to me because it was A that he "had a problem with". Sigh. After having him (A) ring me, very upset, I am now hoping that A's calm repeat texting of my phone number and a request for the parent to ring me, will have sunk in. I await any call with interest (and some nerves). The other thing which I am proud of A about is kinda petty, but demo's the extent to which things can escalate. Short version: A left a prized hat (had been a gift) at his friends house. He asked his friend to return it, friend refused. A went to the house and asked his friend's mum to please give it back. She refused. Today, I happened to be on the phone with A, when said friend turned up outside A's dad's flat. I stayed on the phone, whilst A went to talk to them. Although I am sure that his behaviour was partially influenced by the fact that I could hear him, I was still pleased at how calmly he handled it. The other kids were abusive to him, but he stayed calm. When they realised that I was on the phone, they backed down. A has his hat back. Petty, maybe. But he handled it well, and again, a year ago it would likely have escalated. 

So as I said in the title, it has been a gloomy week but there are bright spots and a brighter outlook. I'm still waiting to hear from Talking Change, and I know I desperately need them. I cannot cope with all my fears and feelings on my own. Even this blog can't help all the time. There are things which I cannot divulge here; they impact on people elsewhere and I cannot do that to them. I am considering doing a sort of biographical post, but it wouldn't be complete because one of the main causes/issues is something which I can't talk about here. I can with a counselor, someone who doesn't know the involved parties, and obviously some people do know. But I know you'll understand when I say that this is public, in years to come anyone could see it, and I can't risk that. I wish it wasn't so. Right now I am holding together, but only just. I am a mass of fears, I am scared of losing people I care about, I am scared of upsetting people I care about, I am scared that I will never be better, and most of all I am scared that I am damaging A, no matter how much effort I put in to making things okay for him, and to not letting my feelings affect him. In the brief time since my counselling ended, I have drifted downwards again. I know it. People around me know it. I can only hope that TC come through sooner rather than later. I am not suicidal (I want to emphasise that, nothing would induce me to leave A), but I am sliding into the whole 'hide under the duvet' phase again. I am trying my best, and not giving in without a fight but it's hard. 

I am (as I've said before) so very grateful for all the support. Thank you so much. I hold onto it at times when things seem bad, and it helps to get me through. A kind word is worth so much. Never forget that :) 

Roller-coaster ride

It's a Sunday evening, a really lovely Sunday evening - the sun has just set, but the birds are singing and with the window open it's really rather pleasant sitting here on the sofa. The cats are curled up, sleeping, and it's nice and peaceful. Today has been a fairly good day. I've managed to get a decent amount of work done, and I feel as though I have achieved something. Which is nice. Frustratingly, however, inside I'm still feeling very low and anxious. I hate feeling like this, it's very annoying. I have been making a real effort to recognise at least 3 good things which happen to me each day, and have pretty much succeeded. However it hasn't stopped this inner feeling of sadness, anxiety, frustration and depression. I feel cheated a bit, like I'm doing my bit, I'm making the effort to notice these things and to focus on the good things, but my 'inner-self' is having nothing to do with it, and just keeps on trucking down the ol' depression road. Gah....

Part of the problem, I think, is that once again I have an appeal against a DWP decision hanging over me, and once again it feels as though I'm falling down the rabbit hole as far as the 'logic' applied by the DWP. For those of you who don't know here's a brief recap: I was on ESA, and as a result had to have a 'medical assessment' by the lovely ATOS. I wasn't keen on this, but it's a requirement so had accepted that it had to be done. In February I received a letter claiming that I'd not attended the medical, however I had not received any notice of the appointment. I wrote to them, explaining this, and advising that due to the way my road is laid out, sometimes the post will go astray. I asked them to contact me another way. I heard nothing until March when another letter arrived claiming that yet again I'd missed my medical. So again, I wrote to them, pointing out that I'd asked them to contact me another way. I also forced myself to ring them and chase it up. Shortly thereafter they stopped my ESA, claiming that as I'd missed the medical, I wasn't entitled to it. I appealed, once again explaining everything that happened. 10 days ago I received a denial of that appeal, written in a very patronising manner and (brilliantly) sent recorded delivery (something that wasn't done with my appeal documents when they stopped my JSA)...hmmm, do you think they registered that there's a problem with my post? Well you'd think so, but according to them, it's my fault...apparently I should be doing more to get my post - although what I could do, short of rugby tackling the postman, I have no idea. A lot of my post goes missing, official letters, party invites, letters from friends, bills, you name it, it has gone missing. I have complained to the post office, but they deny there is a problem. Anyway, I have decided to go for a tribunal (again) but I'm so stressed and anxious about it. I feel helpless, I feel as though I won't win, and I feel as though I'm being dumped on from a great height. Why is it my fault when I asked them to use another means to contact me? Why do they get to 'blame' me when they never made any attempt to contact me by phone or email? It is so unfair the way things are stacked against individuals in these situations. It makes me cry sometimes, and I hate that. I hate being weak. Ugh.

Anyway, this week I was supposed to go to my first group session for anxiety related issues. I never made it due to roadworks delaying me. Yesterday I received a phone call from the lady who leads the group, she is lovely. Anyway, the upshot is that I can't be part of the group anymore, would have to wait for a new one to start - which is fair enough. However, after some discussion she stated that she thought I needed more one on one help, and she has arranged to put me back on the list for counselling. Whilst this is good news, it is also frustrating because, if you remember, back when I was having counselling I begged for more sessions, but was denied. The fact is that the counselling has brought up some old issues but due to my 'allowance of sessions' running out, I hadn't been able to deal with them properly. As a result flashbacks, memories and old feelings are having a huge impact on me at the moment. My dreams are ridiculously upsetting and even during the day, things I thought I had dealt with are coming back to me. I said this to her, and she agreed that I needed help to work through them. I know that this will be very hard and painful. As nice as it is to discuss things and to work things through, the initial impact is very difficult and often I feel worse for a few days afterwards. So whilst I desperately want and need this counselling, and am hopeful that it's available sooner rather than later, I am also scared.

As I said earlier, I'm trying very hard to recognise the good things in my life. That's not to say that I didn't recognise them before, more that I'm trying to put more emphasis on them - to really remember them, dwell on them, to make them the things I think about, rather than all my fears and concerns. It is working. I am finding that I have more blessings than I realised. Whether it's just having some time, sitting with the cats and reading, or having a day out with A, or having a funny, loving online chat with my friends, good things happen and I need to focus on them, not on stressy things.

Speaking of friends, I have realised today that sometimes I'm not being a good friend; I'm allowing my fears to paralyse me and that is stopping me from being there for people. I'm so convinced that I'm useless, that I bore people, that people won't want to see me, that I lack the courage to say "hey, let's meet up" when I want to. A lot of my friends will be nodding in agreement when I say that they  often have to be the pro-active one in setting meetings up. And it's not because I don't want to see them, or spend time with them....it's because I'm so scared and useless at making that move. I never used to be like this. Now I've recognised it I am going to make more effort to overcome it. It's just another way in which this horrible anxiety and depression has affected me. But I will win eventually. It just takes time.

I love my friends. Whether I've met you or not, so many of you have been amazingly supportive of me. I am so incredibly lucky, and I do know that. Thank you.

So that's me at the moment; still a mess inside, but still keeping going. I can't do it without you all. And even when I don't say it, I still do appreciate the love and support, more than you'll ever know.

A wonderful weekend

Well we're back from a lovely few days away with my parents in Birmingham. It was just what we both needed; a change of scenery, some back up (for me), some quality time with family (both of us), and a chance to relax (both of us).... It was good to take advantage of A having half-term (plus an extra day off for teacher training) and go up for a long weekend.... The journey is about 3 and a half hours on the train, and although it's not too bad, it is tiring. So having a full 3 days there (instead of 1) was great.

Friday was spent at the Black Country Living Museum which was just brilliant. My inner historian loved being able to see 19th century England in 'action'. The canal ride through the old mines was fascinating, if a bit scary at times, and because I borrowed one of my dad's walking sticks I was able to walk around for far longer than normally would. A loved it as well, especially riding on the old bus and tram. The weather was fantastic and for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable being out in public. For most of the time anyway.

Saturday we went over to my Aunt and Uncle's, picking my Nanna up on the way. I always love seeing them, and it was nice to have a catch up, and to relax in their posh new conservatory - not to mention that my Uncle is an awesome cook.... *drools*.... A enjoys cooking as well, and he had a great time helping prepare the lunch. I even managed to learn how to identify the birds which were fighting and feeding in their garden...well I say I learnt, more I just listened and promptly forgot...nature is not my strong point ;)

The rest of the time was spent just chilling out at the house, with A helping my mum out in the garden... He really seemed to enjoy himself and it was so nice to be able to relax and know that he was ok, not getting into trouble and that someone else was there to help me out with him. We both came back feeling refreshed, although the journey home was a teeny bit stressful (what with nearly missing the train to Portsmouth).... Having said that, it was nice to get home and the cats were pleased to see us - mind you they may just have thought that we were there to feed them on demand....

Actually last night reminded me of just why I love my kitties so much, and why they are so good for me. Purdy-cat had clearly missed me, and she just couldn't stop coming and head-butting me, wanting fussing and wanting to be with me. It's a comfort - however silly that may sound. Having her curled up, purring, with me is so relaxing and cheering. I do miss the cats when we go away.

I'm not feeling terribly inspired today, I was hoping to be writing about my first anxiety group meeting, but unfortunately I missed it. I set out to get there, only to find that roadworks on one of the main routes into the city centre meant that I wasn't going to be able to get there in time. Sigh. Although I was dreading going, it was worse to get all psyched up and then not be able to go. So the rest of the day has been a bit flat. I'm feeling low, but not horrendously so. More blah than anything else; I can't even get worked up over the ridiculous letter the DWP sent me declining my appeal of the decision to stop my ESA. I will write about that, because I need all the advice and help I can get. But not today. Hopefully tomorrow I will get more done, and will feel better.... Then I can pour out a nice long (entertaining) rant about the whole ESA mess... I bet you can't wait ;)

I'm off to fuss the kitties and watch telly...sometimes it's all a girl can do :)