I can't say too much about what triggered the major anxiety of this week; it's not my story to tell, I was only involved tangentially, and I don't want to break a confidence. Suffice it to say that there was a falling out between people I care about. I am not good with conflict at the best of times, but when it involves people who I value in my life very much, it is twice as hard to cope with. It brought it home to me, just how much I rely on my friends; sharing my fears and getting advice, not to mention the lighter stuff and the day to day caring. Seeing the evidence after it had all happened, actually triggered a panic attack in me. And just saying that now, I still feel guilty. Because it wasn't about me. I wasn't involved at all. But it had that impact on me, and it has lasted all week.
Part of it was just the deep dislike, almost phobia, which I have about conflict. I can argue/discuss with people I don't know, online, without any problems. As soon as I know them, then I find it harder to do this. [side note: this is why I join groups on FB to discuss political/social/cultural issues - I can argue and get it all out, without caring/worrying if I've upset someone I care about, very liberating.] When it involves friends then I literally panic: my heart races, I shake, and feel sick, and I get tearful. I have been like this for years, but it is getting worse. It's worse if I'm not involved, if I'm just observing. Because then I feel the upset for both sides, and I want to make it better but I'm scared of making it worse. So I stay out of it. And then feel guilty for doing so. It is a huge mess. But it is nothing compared to those who went through it for real, and I'm still hurting for them now. So I end up in a state, going round and round, guilt and upset taking turns to kick me in the stomach....
However a bigger part of it was the upheaval which resulted; as I've said before I'm not good with change, and change which results from a situation like this is doubly difficult. Not to mention that I feel guilty for even being upset about it, because, well, why should I be upset? Except that I can't control it. Anyone who thinks that I choose to feel like this is off their rocker. It is horrible. I can't sleep, relax or enjoy myself for too long, before the feeling of sadness and guilt overwhelms me again. Even writing this I feel like I'm putting myself in the middle of it, making it about me, but really that's not my intention. I promise. I'm just trying to explain why and how this week has been hard. And believe me, I wish I wasn't affected this way. Life would be easier for sure.
I made myself go out on Tuesday, after waking up to the above. It was the right decision. It stopped me from dwelling on things, and as many of you know, the library is a haven for me. Browsing the shelves, discovering some new books, and old favourites, was just what I needed. When I got home, I was feeling better and more able to push the bad feelings away and soldier on. Wednesday I had my physio appointment. I was feeling a little apprehensive because I was seeing a new physio, a man, and I had missed the first appointment (overslept during half term, oops). So of course I was pleasantly surprised. He was lovely. He listened to me, and he was the first one, of all the medical people I've seen, to ask me to walk so he could watch my knee as I did so. Which turned out to be one of the best things he could have done. He also took on board what I said about how having a stick to lean on had helped when we went round the museum a couple of weeks ago. The upshot of all this is that a) I have been stiffening up my knee when I walk, rather than bending it, and this is the cause of some of my discomfort, and b) the stick, used properly, will help to support my knee during periods when the Osgood-Schlatters flares up (oh yeah, he confirmed that I still have that, and that it is bad at the moment.) Since then I have walked several times; I am walking faster and bending my knee and although I'm still having pain, it is nowhere near as bad as it was and I feel better. Which is brilliant. And has been a bright spark for this week. Fingers crossed that the stick, combined with the adjusted walking style and the exercises, will help. He said it will be a long term thing but I am okay with that now.
I have also finished the research for my dissertation. I had planned to start the writing this week, but under the circumstances this wasn't possible. I will, all being well, start on Monday. In the meantime I plan to have a relax/take care of myself day tomorrow, and then I am taking A to Bognor Regis on the train on Sunday. It's on £10 return on the train, and I feel we both need to do something semi-spontaneous and fun like this.
Speaking of A, it has been a mixed week. Let me say though, that overall I am so proud of him. He has had a problem with the bullies again, and he knows that he didn't help himself with his reaction. However, he has taken his punishment without (much) argument. He has also had exams, which he hates (funny that), but which seem to have gone well. I'm proud of him for showing a good attitude, and making a big effort in them. He didn't want to go in, but he did. A year ago, he wouldn't have done. He has come a long way. He has also dealt with some issues outside of school, including an adult, the parent of one of his friends, texting him and telling him to stay away from them. To say I was unhappy about this is an understatement. I thought it was completely out of order that he was so aggressive with A, and that he refused to speak to me about it, he actually said that he wouldn't talk to me because it was A that he "had a problem with". Sigh. After having him (A) ring me, very upset, I am now hoping that A's calm repeat texting of my phone number and a request for the parent to ring me, will have sunk in. I await any call with interest (and some nerves). The other thing which I am proud of A about is kinda petty, but demo's the extent to which things can escalate. Short version: A left a prized hat (had been a gift) at his friends house. He asked his friend to return it, friend refused. A went to the house and asked his friend's mum to please give it back. She refused. Today, I happened to be on the phone with A, when said friend turned up outside A's dad's flat. I stayed on the phone, whilst A went to talk to them. Although I am sure that his behaviour was partially influenced by the fact that I could hear him, I was still pleased at how calmly he handled it. The other kids were abusive to him, but he stayed calm. When they realised that I was on the phone, they backed down. A has his hat back. Petty, maybe. But he handled it well, and again, a year ago it would likely have escalated.
So as I said in the title, it has been a gloomy week but there are bright spots and a brighter outlook. I'm still waiting to hear from Talking Change, and I know I desperately need them. I cannot cope with all my fears and feelings on my own. Even this blog can't help all the time. There are things which I cannot divulge here; they impact on people elsewhere and I cannot do that to them. I am considering doing a sort of biographical post, but it wouldn't be complete because one of the main causes/issues is something which I can't talk about here. I can with a counselor, someone who doesn't know the involved parties, and obviously some people do know. But I know you'll understand when I say that this is public, in years to come anyone could see it, and I can't risk that. I wish it wasn't so. Right now I am holding together, but only just. I am a mass of fears, I am scared of losing people I care about, I am scared of upsetting people I care about, I am scared that I will never be better, and most of all I am scared that I am damaging A, no matter how much effort I put in to making things okay for him, and to not letting my feelings affect him. In the brief time since my counselling ended, I have drifted downwards again. I know it. People around me know it. I can only hope that TC come through sooner rather than later. I am not suicidal (I want to emphasise that, nothing would induce me to leave A), but I am sliding into the whole 'hide under the duvet' phase again. I am trying my best, and not giving in without a fight but it's hard.
I am (as I've said before) so very grateful for all the support. Thank you so much. I hold onto it at times when things seem bad, and it helps to get me through. A kind word is worth so much. Never forget that :)
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