It's a Sunday evening, a really lovely Sunday evening - the sun has just set, but the birds are singing and with the window open it's really rather pleasant sitting here on the sofa. The cats are curled up, sleeping, and it's nice and peaceful. Today has been a fairly good day. I've managed to get a decent amount of work done, and I feel as though I have achieved something. Which is nice. Frustratingly, however, inside I'm still feeling very low and anxious. I hate feeling like this, it's very annoying. I have been making a real effort to recognise at least 3 good things which happen to me each day, and have pretty much succeeded. However it hasn't stopped this inner feeling of sadness, anxiety, frustration and depression. I feel cheated a bit, like I'm doing my bit, I'm making the effort to notice these things and to focus on the good things, but my 'inner-self' is having nothing to do with it, and just keeps on trucking down the ol' depression road. Gah....
Part of the problem, I think, is that once again I have an appeal against a DWP decision hanging over me, and once again it feels as though I'm falling down the rabbit hole as far as the 'logic' applied by the DWP. For those of you who don't know here's a brief recap: I was on ESA, and as a result had to have a 'medical assessment' by the lovely ATOS. I wasn't keen on this, but it's a requirement so had accepted that it had to be done. In February I received a letter claiming that I'd not attended the medical, however I had not received any notice of the appointment. I wrote to them, explaining this, and advising that due to the way my road is laid out, sometimes the post will go astray. I asked them to contact me another way. I heard nothing until March when another letter arrived claiming that yet again I'd missed my medical. So again, I wrote to them, pointing out that I'd asked them to contact me another way. I also forced myself to ring them and chase it up. Shortly thereafter they stopped my ESA, claiming that as I'd missed the medical, I wasn't entitled to it. I appealed, once again explaining everything that happened. 10 days ago I received a denial of that appeal, written in a very patronising manner and (brilliantly) sent recorded delivery (something that wasn't done with my appeal documents when they stopped my JSA)...hmmm, do you think they registered that there's a problem with my post? Well you'd think so, but according to them, it's my fault...apparently I should be doing more to get my post - although what I could do, short of rugby tackling the postman, I have no idea. A lot of my post goes missing, official letters, party invites, letters from friends, bills, you name it, it has gone missing. I have complained to the post office, but they deny there is a problem. Anyway, I have decided to go for a tribunal (again) but I'm so stressed and anxious about it. I feel helpless, I feel as though I won't win, and I feel as though I'm being dumped on from a great height. Why is it my fault when I asked them to use another means to contact me? Why do they get to 'blame' me when they never made any attempt to contact me by phone or email? It is so unfair the way things are stacked against individuals in these situations. It makes me cry sometimes, and I hate that. I hate being weak. Ugh.
Anyway, this week I was supposed to go to my first group session for anxiety related issues. I never made it due to roadworks delaying me. Yesterday I received a phone call from the lady who leads the group, she is lovely. Anyway, the upshot is that I can't be part of the group anymore, would have to wait for a new one to start - which is fair enough. However, after some discussion she stated that she thought I needed more one on one help, and she has arranged to put me back on the list for counselling. Whilst this is good news, it is also frustrating because, if you remember, back when I was having counselling I begged for more sessions, but was denied. The fact is that the counselling has brought up some old issues but due to my 'allowance of sessions' running out, I hadn't been able to deal with them properly. As a result flashbacks, memories and old feelings are having a huge impact on me at the moment. My dreams are ridiculously upsetting and even during the day, things I thought I had dealt with are coming back to me. I said this to her, and she agreed that I needed help to work through them. I know that this will be very hard and painful. As nice as it is to discuss things and to work things through, the initial impact is very difficult and often I feel worse for a few days afterwards. So whilst I desperately want and need this counselling, and am hopeful that it's available sooner rather than later, I am also scared.
As I said earlier, I'm trying very hard to recognise the good things in my life. That's not to say that I didn't recognise them before, more that I'm trying to put more emphasis on them - to really remember them, dwell on them, to make them the things I think about, rather than all my fears and concerns. It is working. I am finding that I have more blessings than I realised. Whether it's just having some time, sitting with the cats and reading, or having a day out with A, or having a funny, loving online chat with my friends, good things happen and I need to focus on them, not on stressy things.
Speaking of friends, I have realised today that sometimes I'm not being a good friend; I'm allowing my fears to paralyse me and that is stopping me from being there for people. I'm so convinced that I'm useless, that I bore people, that people won't want to see me, that I lack the courage to say "hey, let's meet up" when I want to. A lot of my friends will be nodding in agreement when I say that they often have to be the pro-active one in setting meetings up. And it's not because I don't want to see them, or spend time with them....it's because I'm so scared and useless at making that move. I never used to be like this. Now I've recognised it I am going to make more effort to overcome it. It's just another way in which this horrible anxiety and depression has affected me. But I will win eventually. It just takes time.
I love my friends. Whether I've met you or not, so many of you have been amazingly supportive of me. I am so incredibly lucky, and I do know that. Thank you.
So that's me at the moment; still a mess inside, but still keeping going. I can't do it without you all. And even when I don't say it, I still do appreciate the love and support, more than you'll ever know.
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