A rough time...........................................

Sorry for the lack of blog posts the last few days....It's been a tricky time and to be honest I've not really felt much like blogging... Mainly because I haven't known where to start, and then when I've thought about it, it's all become overwhelming and my mind has just given up and gone on strike.... 

Saturday, however, was good because I got to see K, a friend who I've not seen for ages... We met on the Access course 5 years ago, but now she's working and I'm doing the MA we just don't have as much time as before (when we were students, she used to come over all the time, ah those were the days...) It was so good to have a proper catch up, and she also gave me some advice re A, which was fab - she works as a special needs TA at a primary school and so she knows her way around the system and was able to give help regarding what the best move would be. She also suggested some potential causes for A's behaviour, and what she said made perfect sense. I'm not saying more than that just yet, because until we've seen Camhs and found out what exactly is going on, then there's no point speculating any more than we already have done. 

Yesterday was a total wash out...I spent the whole day curled up on the sofa, suffering from tummy ache and feeling sick....which wasn't fun. A went to the cinema with his dad, to see the latest Batman film. I believe they both enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching the Olympics, and at least I wasn't too bored. However panic did begin to set in, as I knew that I had to get cracking on the dissertation; all the issues of the last few weeks have really impacted on my ability to get the work done. I've emailed my supervisor, and I'm hoping that I can meet with him next week and that he'll be able to calm my fears. 

Last night, however, was a nightmare - literally.. Knowing that A was due at mine a 7:30am I went to bed at 10pm. And promptly lay awake for two hours. When I did fall asleep I ended up having bad dreams. For some people dreaming about monsters is a nightmare, for me it's dreaming about me behaving badly. Yes that's right. Every so often, more when I'm stressed, I will have dreams in which I behave really badly...I steal, I'm rude and horrible - in short all the bad stuff comes out......I'm a horrible person in these dreams and even though I want to wake up, I can't. When I finally do, I'm left feeling really shaken and upset. Last night was worse though, because A had left his window open so when the nice men came to empty the huge communal rubbish bin at the flats next door (at 4:15am!!), the loud clanking and banging woke me up. I think I was halfway out of bed before I realised what had happened.. It took me ages to calm down, and get back to sleep. So when I finally woke up properly today, I was already on edge and feeling crappy. 

Mid-morning however I had a text from A's dad to say that he and his partner, A's step-mum, were splitting up. Talk about a bolt from the blue, I didn't see that one coming. And I had to keep it quiet until they could tell A later on. After the initial shock (and feeling of sadness for P, A's dad), my main concern was A. He doesn't react well to change, and he loves his step-mum. So this was going to be a big deal for him. To make matters worse, A decided that his time today would be best spent being hyperactive at home, rather then playing outside...so I was trying to sort out some dissertation stuff, process the whole 'splitting up' thing, and deal with a hugely hyperactive 12 year old...sigh.... Stress alert....

Having said that I did get a lot done today, and A did go out and lose some of his energy (not much tho)... By tea time we were at the docs for an appt re A's knee - he bashed it at school a month ago and when it was x-rayed they noticed some sort of anomaly. They weren't sure whether it was an old injury or a new one, but as it's still hurting the doc has said he needs to have physio and has referred him. She also completed the referral to Camhs - which hadn't been done...sigh...it was hard because she (naturally) wanted to know why he needed  the referral, but as A was there I couldn't be as open as I wanted to be. We try not to discuss things too much in front of him, because of concerns that he will play up certain behaviours etc., if he knows which ones are problematic. Anyway, I think I got our concerns across, and she will do the referral ASAP - fingers crossed that happens, and he gets seen soon. He really needs the help right now. 

A went back to P's then, and was told what had happened. I then received a text from A saying that he wanted to spend the night with me. Not totally surprising I guess. Poor kid, he's alternating between being upset and tearful and worrying about his dad. It's heartbreaking. He's upset, but trying to be tough, although I told him that tears are good and holding them in isn't always the right thing to do. It's a horrible situation. Even tho P and I split up 4 years ago, he's A's dad and I don't hate him; we have a friendly relationship and I feel for him at the moment. It's horrible when a break up happens, and it's worse when kids are involved. There's a whole lot of hurt at the moment and for me, even though I'm not directly involved, there is emotion as well. I'm watching my son deal with losing his step-mum whilst worrying about his dad; that's not easy. Plus I'm concerned for P, because he must be feeling so bad;  I know that he's also worried about A.  So yeah, all in all it's been a weird day. 

Earlier on I was just a mess. So frustrated with A when he was being hyper and cross with myself for not being more understanding and nice. Every day I think, maybe I'll feel better today, and every day I get disappointed when I don't.. .I know I'm probably expecting too much but I feel like such a failure at times and even when I should be happy, I can be experiencing the empty, sick, painful, sad feeling inside... It's ridiculous and I feel worse because I have no reason to feel like this. I know people who have it much worse than I do, and here's me feeling crap for no reason. I'm just hoping that as I immerse myself in the dissertation, I will feel better...because I don't have any time for the thoughts to go round and round in my head. 

So now, I've got A here and he's wanting a hug from his mum.....which means it's time for me to sign off....

Night all, :)

Achievements......and the Olympics..................

Today was a good day....even if some things marred it slightly....it was good..... First of all I slept well.....this is a good thing...I'm so fed up of waking up in the middle of the night, scared but not knowing why, and then taking ages to get back to sleep....so yay for a full nights sleep....

And...drumroll please...I've finally finished and handed in my PhD Proposal...so so relieved because I was starting to think that it would never be done and I'd had quite a few minor freak outs over it...but not it's all done and handed in, well emailed in anyway. And now I just have to wait. Sigh. Bet you can't wait until I start freaking out over that.... ;-) I have no idea when I will hear. I'm going to email the admin team and ask them nicely, so that at least I can hopefully put it out of my mind for a while before I start freaking..lol

Then, and this is the achievement I'm really proud of, I de-flea'd the cats..woohoo.... I've been meaning to do it for a while, but I had to psych myself up to deal with four, struggling, hissing, yowling, unhappy cats (one after the other) whilst trying to pin them down and smear the de-flea-ing stuff on the back of their necks....I did it..and I didn't get scratched..although I did resemble a mohair jumper after it was all over.... 

So yes, I did achieve something today.... I also got to speak to my mum, which is always nice...and even though I'll have to wait until October to see her, at least we've got something arranged.. Apart from that, and a short bike ride, today has been a slow day. It's been very hot, and muggy and to be honest, it's hard to get up much enthusiasm for moving around when doing so simply results in being drenched in sweat..lovely...lol....

Now, I'm sitting on the sofa, watching the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games....it's been spectacular, although I'm kinda wishing I had a fast forward button as the whole 'athletes entering the stadium' bit is taking aaages...who knew there were so many countries in the world...and Micronesia? Really? I actually thought that was a made up place..oops.... 

I have mixed feelings about the Olympics being here.. On the one hand I'm really proud, and pleased that it's being held in my country...on the other hand, I keep thinking about the money spent on it and wishing it could have been spent on something else, although I'm well aware that there would be arguments about what that 'something' should be. I know I'd like the money to go on cancer research, brain tumour awareness and cures, amongst other things.... So what annoys me, is not that we have the Olympics or the money we're spending on it but that even if we didn't have this event, we *still* wouldn't spend the money on those things.... Because that's the reality.....people are, rightly, upset at the amounts of money spent on this, and even though I love watching the Olympics and I'm pleased it's here, I still feel like that. I know it's contradictory but there you go. However, I'm sceptical that if the money hadn't been spent on the Olympics, it would then have gone on worthwhile things....I don't know, maybe I'm wrong...maybe I'm just trying to reconcile my enjoyment/pride in the Olympics with my desire to see a cure for cancer, amongst other things...and to think that people would choose hosting the Olympics over that is a horrible thought.... 

I'm also feeling a bit low and crappy tonight...not sure why to be honest...I should be happy and I'm cross with myself for feeling bad when I really shouldn't...but that's the nature of the beast that is depression..it has no rhyme or reason...it's that old feeling of just wanting to go to bed and hide away...and the fact that I can't pin point a reason why, is making it worse...sometimes if I understand why I feel bad then I can accept it and work through it, but not knowing just frustrates me more... to be honest it makes me feel like a bad person, a horrible selfish nasty person who can't be happy when she should be....there's people out there who have things worse than I do, much worse..so what right do I have to feel like this.... and then it just goes on and on....sometimes the only thing I can do is go to bed, listen to music and try to sleep.... which is what I'm going to do in a minute.. I have my friend K coming over tomorrow, I haven't seen her in a while and I'm looking forward to it. I can be myself with her, I don't have to pretend and I know she will listen and won't judge me and will help....so that's a good thing.....

I'm going to sign off now... it's nearly time for Team GB to come out, and for the torch to enter the stadium....I'll watch that, then off to bed... Night all... x

Emotional day..................................

I was going to post yesterday, I promise....but then A came and sat on my lap and promptly fell asleep....and bang went any chance of posting... To be fair though, yesterday was another 'nothing' day.... Uni work, housework, hot weather....yup, that about sums it up...... :)

Today, however, has been a different kind of day..... Today, 7 years ago a li'l BIG man was born - Jack Marshall.....his parents didn't know it but he was going to be an inspirational little boy, who would change people's lives and touch the hearts of so many, young and old, famous and 'normal'....of course we'd all rather that we'd not heard of him because that would mean that Jack never had cancer, and Jack was still with his loving family.....but things don't always go how we want them to, and Jack developed a brain tumour when he was just 4 years old. He fought it and fought it, with a smile, a giggle, a round of Glory Glory Man United, some milky bars, maybe a milkshake or several and, most importantly, with the love and care of his family, and the ever expanding circle that is now known as Jack's Army.... If you could see the pictures of Jack and his mum Tracey you'd see a love that is so tangible it positively leaps off the screen at you.. I don't share those pictures because they're not mine to share, but I can tell you that I've never seen anything like it... I firmly believe that Jack's courage during his illness was because of his amazing family, and the love they surrounded him with... If only love was enough to keep people alive, if only cancer wasn't the evil illness that it is, if only, if only.... because Jack passed away last October and he's missed each and every day by so many people all around the world.... He should have been here to celebrate his birthday. Instead we let balloons fly up to the skies for him, and lit candles in his memory.... 

So I make no apologies for the fact that I will post on FB, or talk about Jack.... He really does inspire me....and yes, you can love, care for and be inspired by someone you never met..... Through the video's, pictures and posts/tweets by his mum, Jack's Army got to know Jack. We heard his giggle, and saw his amazement when his favourite player at Manchester United, Wayne Rooney, sent a tweet to him....We saw him dancing to Selfish Jean by Travis, and was saw him playing football - Jack learnt to walk, the second time, using a football sent to him by Sir Alex Ferguson...that's Jack, he pulled you in whoever you were...we call it being Jacked..it's cool.... For Jack I found myself wanting Manchester United to win, not something I ever thought I'd do.... I saw how brave Jack was, and I know that when I've struggled I can look at his picture and I can't help but smile, and I remind myself that I can do things...no matter how hard it seems... 

Thanks to Jack, I've met some amazing people, people who will be friends for life, people who've been a wonderful support to me...but, more importantly thanks to Jack I've got off my backside, started exercising and eating sensibly...I've walked 5k, something I didn't think I could do..but I did.... So yes, I'm going to talk about him, because he deserves to be remembered, to be known about, to be talked about and to be loved, appreciated and recognised for the brave, caring, funny, cheeky, adorable, smily li'l BIG man he was... (hate that word in that context by the way)...  so, one more time for today ... Jack Marshall, Happy 7th Birthday sweetheart, love you to your star and back, miss you... always in my heart.... 

Night all

The sun has got its hat on, hip hip hip hooray...............

ooooh yes, it appears that summer has finally decided to turn up...and for once, it's just as the kids break up for the holidays..... needless to say, A is chuffed to bits and I'm hardly seeing him during the day as he heads off to play with his friends... 

By the way, apologies for not blogging yesterday, for some reason I forgot.... 

I had to go and sign on yesterday, and I took in a copy of my appeal form and statement, because even thought I've already sent them off, I don't have much faith that they will make it to the correct place - the DWP have form for losing important documents...lol... So anyway, I was fortunate enough to see one of the nicer advisers, who I've seen before. He asked if he could read my statement, and was impressed with it - told me it was eloquent and articulate.. He also sympathised, whilst making no promises about the outcome (which was all I wanted from the original adviser, the one who was such a bitch - and the fact that he did this, means that if she tries to defend herself by saying that she just doing her job, then I can prove that she's talking out of her ass...because if he can sympathise without promising an outcome, then so can she...). He was very understanding about how upsetting it was, and didn't seem to be surprised that I'd been treated like that, and he also didn't say that no-one there would have behaved like that. So, we'll see what happens....

The rest of the day was spent doing housework, and then having a sneaky nap on the sofa.... A stayed at a friends house, which meant the house was quiet, and I did miss him..... 

So today I had to go to Waterlooville, to the library - I hadn't been for a while, and had some books to pick up. It was so so hot, and crowded... I was glad to get home to be honest, especially as both the buses seemed to have the heating on...not quite sure why but there we go.....

In fact, really, it's been a mundane few days....Sorry...kinda boring for you all to read... I have a meeting about my PhD proposal tomorrow, so that may provide some more interesting news but right now, it's all boring...which, to be honest, is good...for me... I've been doing housework, laundry and uni work, making plans to see friends and lazing on the sofa reading... 

Actually, it's not that simple, whilst the activities may be mundane, I'm still struggling inside...It's so weird, I should be happy and mostly I am happy but there's a bit of me that is still stressed, anxious, worried, unhappy, a mixture of all of them really....it's there, nagging away. I try to ignore it, to focus on the good things and on the fact that I'm enjoying certain things...but it's still there... I said to a friend yesterday that I can feel the beginnings of the urge to hide away, and it's so tempting to give in. I won't, at least not completely because I'm seeing people throughout this week, but I will relish the fact that my research means working alone. So yes, I'm weird. What can I say? I'm happy being with people I know and like/love, and I'm happy talking over the internet to people, but going out into normal everyday situations is just not my cup of tea right now. I cope, but it's hard. I'm waiting to hear from Talking Change. I know from another friend who's had contact with them, that they're are very good and I've got high hopes that they'll help me and I'll be able to be normal again.

Right, A is home now and I need to go and tease him or something....ohh maybe I'll upload the picture I took of him asleep the other day...or maybe I won't, he's just told me that I can't because that would be mean...hmmm...ok then....

Enjoy the sunshine :)

Woohoo.......Race for Life rocked.......

Well...so the day arrived... I have to be honest, I was very nervous this morning....Excited as well...but the nerves were definitely there...not about the RfL in itself, but about whether I'd be able to complete it....I was really worried that I'd fail and let everyone down....As it turned out, I needn't have worried.... The sun was shining, it was hot but we did it... 1 hour and 15 minutes... which isn't bad considering I have a dodgy knee (and am still at the very beginning of my fitness campaign), J has a bad ankle, and her daughters are only 11 and 8...... But I'm getting ahead of myself.....

I cycled to the seafront (about 3 miles I think) and arrived to a scene of pink EVERYWHERE....and lots of noise...

As you can see the weather was lovely and because the route was on the seafront there was a nice breeze as well...Which became very important later on...lol... Anyway, J and the others arrived just in time, and we joined up (at the back of the walkers...lol) ready to go....

Here I am, ready to go...I couldn't get the pictures of Jack and Joseph onto my t-shirt or back plate, so I held them in my hand all the way round. I kept looking at them as I was walking.... So we started, by the time we made it through the start point however, 15 minutes had passed so I decided to time us on my phone so we could be sure of our correct time. It was lovely walking in the sunshine, and the first part was through the common, where there were plenty of trees. There were lots of people cheering us on, and the marshalls were brilliant at clapping us and gee-ing us up. It was quite moving actually, seeing all these people walking, and then the people there just to cheer us on or help us.... Hugely proud of Portsmouth today, we did good :D

A decided that he was going to walk with us.....I have to say that I'm not sure whether or not his decision was made because he wanted to support his lovely mum, or whether the fact that J's daughter E was walking it as well, influenced him... Luckily he's asleep as I write this, so I'm not getting moaned at for daring to suggest that...lol....

I never actually thought I'd say this, but it was relatively easy...don't get me wrong, my knee was painful and I was hot and tired but it never felt like too much, it wasn't overwhelming and I never wanted to give up. The first kilometre went well, the 2nd felt like it flew by, the 3rd and 4th were slightly tougher but balanced out by walking along the seafront and also the sea breeze..... As we hit the half way mark, a white butterfly flew right in front of me, and then out to sea...was beautiful....

I kept on saying, all the way round, I can't stop because if I do I'll never start again...however shortly after half way there was a bit of a bottleneck and so I had to...Again, amazingly, I didn't have a problem...so so grateful for that....

You can just see A in that pic, goodness only knows why he was wearing black jogging trousers....no wonder he was hot....lol.....

The hardest part was when we turned away from the sea, because there was no shade on the road, and it was hot, plus we were at 4k at that point and starting to tire.... J's daughter A, who's 8, was doing brilliantly...so impressed by her, she's fantastic. Thankfully (for me) we soon moved back to the common, and saw the sign for 500m to go....we did cheer.....

The last 500m were pretty emotional, people cheering us on again and a bit of disbelief that we'd actually done it.... then, we were at the end and getting our goody bags, medals, drinks and fruit and finally sitting down.....feeling so proud of ourselves, because we did it....

See, I was still smiling.... 

Then we went back to J's for paddling pool time, and a roast dinner.....All in all a fantastic day..... We're definitely doing it next year, and if anyone wants to join us then let me know... early entry is £10 so we're aiming to get that done...

So, before I go and collapse in bed I just want to explain why I'm so proud, and emotional about this. Today I cycled c.3 miles, and then walked 5k, before cycling another mile (and then another 2 later)..I did that. Those of you who know me, will recognise how much of an achievement that is for me. Not just physically, but mentally - believing and knowing that I can do it has been a huge boost. It's proof that the hard work over the last few months has worked, and it means that I can look forward to the 5k Great South Run in October and then the 10k Great Manchester Run next May (both to be walked I think) with renewed confidence. It also means that I did something that a few months ago I wouldn't have even thought I could do... Yes I'm still overweight, and yes I have a long way to go on the fitness front but considering that a few months ago I couldn't have dreamt of doing the exercise I did today (and did without even thinking at some points) I think it's something to be proud of, and to cheer about.

So, to Jack Marshall, Jobo and Rachel, all of whom have inspired me in various ways over the last few months, and who will, I know, continue to do so - THANK YOU.... Jack would, should have been 7 in a few days time, today was my little tribute to him....he fought so hard, with a smile on his face and never gave up....he's missed so much but he'll never be forgotten......

Night all..... :)

relaxed....STRESS.....relaxed.......

Yeah, so that was pretty much how my day went..... First of all the bliss of being able to wake up naturally and have a decent nights sleep (although my dreams were pretty weird, but let's not go there)....that was nice.... Even the weather was nice and sunny...for once...woohoo......

Then I switched my laptop on, and immediately plunged into the stress of my PhD proposal. I'd asked a friend to read it, and he'd made some valid points, points I totally agreed with....the only problem was that for some reason I just felt overwhelmed..not by what he'd said, because it was exactly right, but by the fact that I seemed to be trying so hard to write this proposal and failing miserably.... So I had a minor meltdown....which was nice...especially as I also had the bright idea of emailing the supervisor during said meltdown, and all but wailing about my failure to write a decent proposal....oh dear.... I just felt really crap. I know that I can write an excellent PhD thesis on this topic, and I know that it's a good topic. But there seems to be a magic language to use for writing the proposal (well that's how I felt at the time) and I just couldn't get it right. I really shouldn't allow myself email access when I have these moments, because it only leads to me sending histrionic emails to people who really shouldn't be receiving histrionic emails from me. Anyway, shortly after said panic, my mum rang me and as always a good chat with her sorts me out.... Then my friend offered to re-write part of the proposal for me, and needless to say it was amazing....so that cheered me up, and I sat down and re-wrote the whole thing again (THIRD time), sent it off to lucky friend again, and fortunately I think I may have cracked it this time.. If only I hadn't emailed the supervisor already... Ah well.... So there we are, proposal is finished (finally) and hopefully it will be handed in this week and I can forget about it (ha) until they let me know one way or the other.... At least I've got the small matter of a 15,000 word dissertation to complete by 1st October, that should keep me busy....it's back to the research for that next week...I can't wait....

I did manage to relax for the rest of the day though, which was nice.....A is at his Dad's which means that the house is very quiet....even the cats have been outside enjoying the sunshine today.... which meant that for once I didn't have to keep removing cats from the keyboard so that I could type...apart from my mini meltdown, it's been a good day..... As I write this, I'm watching a program about the ambulance service in Reading (where I used to live) and it's making me cry because of the lovely elderly people, who don't want to be a bother and the contrast between them and the younger people who call 999 for a headache... I've had to call 999 for A, due to his asthma, before and even though I knew he needed an ambulance, I still felt guilty for calling. Listening to some of the talk between the paramedics you could think that they're a bit heartless, but I'm certain that going to people who call for no reason, who are just wasting time and who refuse to help themselves must be soul destroying when you're trying to get to people who really need you. Ok, sorry about that little detour into my telly viewing.... 

So, tomorrow is the Race for Life...I'm sure you've sponsored me by now, haven't you? Good good..... I'm really looking forward to it. Yes. Me. Looking forward to walking 5 kilometres. No I haven't lost my mind. Yes I am sane. Lol... What can I say, it's for an amazing cause, well 3 amazing causes actually and I'll be walking with my lovely friend J, and her beautiful daughters. Even though I'll probably be a total slow coach, I know I'll finish it....I have to. This isn't hard, and it's nothing compared to what Jackamo went through, what Jobo is going through and what others like my Aunt and my friend R have been through. So yes, I'm looking forward to walking, to remembering Jackamo and my Aunt and to recognising all those amazing people who go through the fire with cancer, whether they make it or not, they're all heroes to me.... The sun will shine, we'll walk and talk and spread awareness for the causes I'm walking for and hopefully between us we'll have raised a good sum of money for cancer causes....and that makes me happy....

A is coming to watch me, and then we're going to J's for a lovely roast dinner...she amazes me because today the family went to Longleat (and she texted me to say that her feet hurt from all the walking) and yet not only is she walking 5k with me tomorrow, but she's also cooking a roast dinner....love that woman, if she wasn't married to L I think I'd just move in....lol...kidding J and L, honest..... I can't wait though, looking forward to a lovely day. I've just got to get my t-shirt, and pictures etc. for the back panel ready, and then I'm good to go... Lots of weetabix for breakfast, several cups of tea and I'll be set...... I'll make sure to take some pics for here so you can see how we did..... Last time I did this (about 4 years ago I think) I walked it in just under an hour - however I was fitter and smaller then, so we'll see how it goes this time. 

Right, I'm off to stalk my lovely new FB friends on the hoax busting team, because, let's face it, it's the early evening in the USA (well parts of it) so they're probably bored and waiting for me to annoy them...haha... only joking... 

Thanks for reading :)

WOOHOOOOOOO - it's FRIDAY and it's the SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!!!!!...............

Yeah, sorry about the shouting, I got a bit excited there... but yay for SIX WHOLE WEEKS OF LIE-INS...oh sorry, shouting again....lol...as you can tell I'm a bit chuffed about the whole holiday thing.. I hate getting up at 7 to fight with A and get him into school...I dread it and frankly I'm so pleased that I don't have that flash point for the next few weeks.... He didn't go in today, but then he really isn't well.. I think that it's actually hayfever which is just playing havoc with his asthma and making him cough all night, which then means he's exhausted and it's just a vicious cycle. Hopefully the next few weeks will allow him to heal and rest and then it will be a new start in September - well that's the plan anyway....

This morning I went over to J's to baby-sit her son N who is the most adorable whirlwind of toddler-dom ever,....needless to say he was pleased that A came with me, and kept running in to say "A's mum, A's mum, I LOVE A...." haha....bless him... A, being a typical teenager, was a tad embarrassed but he did like it - the being pinned down so N could give him a kiss wasn't so popular...never been so amused to see my 12 year old being firmly told to "stop pushing and let me give you a kiss".....tee hee.... I did take some pics but I won't put them up now because I forgot to ask J if I could.... once N realised that I was taking pics of him he was a) fascinated by how he was "in the camera", and then b) posing like a pro and showing off.... love him, he's so funny.... A was very tired, and N is noisy so he did have a headache - although he did make a miraculous recovery when E, J's 12 year old daughter, came home from school. I'm saying nothing but he did choose to stay there rather than come home with me..... lol....

I came back, and promptly fell asleep on the sofa for several hours, I'm just so tired and achy at the moment. Very frustrating because there's nothing specific wrong, it's just a generalised poorly feeling. Anyway, I did feel better when I woke up, and once I had some tea I managed to finish the PhD proposal.. YAY.. so pleased... Now I know I should ask people to proof read it, and I really value their opinion but I'm so tired and so fed up of working on it that part of me just wants to send it in and forget about it...but I won't. I'll ask for people's opinions because if I screw it up again, I'll kick myself forever... It's just so hard when you've worked on something and then you get told that parts are wrong, or don't make sense.. It's fair comment and I appreciate it but I do sigh at having to re-work it again... Such a lazy moo at this stage of work, I really am...  I think I'll leave it for tonight, re read it tomorrow and then send it out for comment...

I've been having a FB chat with a new friend about our cats today. She put up a pic of her cat, well one of them, who is just gorgeous.... We were discussing how our cats help us through the various crap that life throws at us. It got me thinking (dangerous I know, but it has to be done sometimes) that maybe people don't realise just how much help my cats are. I know that not everyone likes cats, and that's fair enough, but for me they've really been a lifesaver. Years ago, when I was first officially told that I had severe depression (and had been signed off work) I remember coming back home and sitting on the sofa sobbing my heart out. I felt like such a failure. Then Jess cat (who really wasn't a lap cat at all) climbed up, sat next to me, and eventually in my lap and just purred away...every so often she'd look at me and lick my hand but mainly she just sat there and let me stroke her. It was just what I needed. It helped me to calm down, and to feel better inside me. It gave me hope that I wouldn't always feel that bad, and I've never forgotten it. Jess died a few years ago, and I was holding her when she went, I was so glad that she knew she was loved and even though I miss her still, I'm glad she was there for me when I needed her. The same goes for my other cats, the pain of losing them is massive (I still can't talk about Pilchie without crying) but the love and care they show to me is amazing. Even Billy cat, who again hasn't been a lap cat at all, will often come and sit with me when I'm feeling bad... The fact that they can clearly tell when I'm down is amazing, and that they will sit with me and let me fuss them and talk to them is so so helpful. They are worth so much to me, so much more than just pets or the cost of their food, they keep me sane...whether it's sitting with me, play-fighting or just being bonkers, they can generally make me smile and pull me at least partially out of my slumps. Molly cat is particularly close to A, and will spend the night curled up on his bed. Again this is hugely comforting to A, and reassures him so much when he can be feeling bad from the bullying. All I can say is that my cats have helped me. I have amazing friends, and wonderful family, but it's not fair to expect them to be there all the time and in the middle of the night...so when I have a panic attack at night (which happens more often than I care to admit), Purdy cat is there, meowing and head-butting me for fussing, letting me stroke her, calming me down and eventually letting me fall back to sleep. When I feel so low that nothing else can reach me, Billy cat will come and sit on me and meow until I fuss him, then purr and purr until I gradually start to feel better... In their own ways, they've helped save me because they're always here. I credit my lack of 'suicidal ideation' (as they call it these day, I hate that phrase) to the immense support of my family and friends, but also to having had the cats there at times when I was alone.... Mind you, I do wish that they wouldn't keep bringing me presents, well not the dead and regurgitated kind anyway...money would be acceptable...wonder if I can train them????

Ok, this has been a long post but it's been on my mind for a while. I'm so grateful to everyone who has supported me through this, and continues to do so. Even a little remark or a smile makes all the difference. I've made some amazing friends online, and again they've helped because they've shared, and commiserated and just plain made me laugh.... I'm so glad I started this blog, it's really helped me to sort out all the thoughts which chase around in my head all day, and sometimes all night....thought which I can't say face to face, not because people don't care or aren't sympathetic because they are, but because I just can't find the words sometimes, and it's so much easier to write it down.... You guys rock and I really do appreciate you all.....

Nighty night - I'm off to re-read my proposal, yes I know I said I'd leave it till tomorrow but now I'm in a writing mode so I'll make the most of it... :) 

What day is it today?........................

No, seriously I really keep forgetting what day it is.....and that's the least of it... So far today I've looked straight at Purdy-cat and called her Taff, forgotten several words (and no I can't remember which ones they were), put the pans full of water on the stove but neglected to put the pasta and veg *into* said pans....and that's a good day.... Yesterday I failed to write the correct version of "they're", putting "their" instead - which if you know my family is a crime just short of kicking a cute puppy....More to the point, it's really not like me... Grammar and spelling have always come naturally to me, I've never had to think about it before, but now I'm making ridiculous errors and sometimes I swear that what I've typed is not what comes up on the screen... I think it's probably a side effect of the meds I'm taking but I'll be honest, I am starting to worry. This has been getting worse over the last few months and the more it happens the more worried I get. I think that I'll ring the doctor and ask him whether it's the meds or whether I'm losing my mind. Of course this would be happening now when I've got to write the best PhD proposal ever, plus write 15,000 words of MA dissertation.... *sigh*

Anyway, I kept A home from school today....mainly because he spent most of the night coughing and sneezing, and was running a slightly high temp this morning. This lurgy is not fun, it mimics the start of a cold, and brings in the old flu-shivers but never actually develops - so you just feel icky enough not to want to do anything but not so bad that people can tell you're unwell, so they think you're skiving... Don't get me wrong, I don't want a cold or the flu, but neither do I want something which makes me feel lousy but doesn't see fit to actually be a proper illness... I took my sulky bum back to bed this afternoon, and had a good sleep.. And when I woke up I even managed to write some more words of the PhD proposal..yay me.. I'll hopefully finish it tomorrow...I can't wait - for some reason I'm struggling to concentrate on the MA dissertation whilst the proposal is on my mind. 

Tomorrow I am going to look after my friend J's little boy, N....he's a little whirlwind and I can't wait.... J's husband L has an awards ceremony to go to, so I volunteered to look after N....it's going to be fun...just what I need to take my mind off all the stuff which has been happening.... I'm hoping that having a break from thinking about this flipping proposal will help me to calm down a bit, and that when I get back onto it, I'll be inspired.... Of course the other good thing about looking after N is that I'll have to get dressed.. Yes, shamefully, I have stayed in my pj's all day today...which, to be fair, is unusual for me - normally I have to get dressed no matter how lousy I feel. But for some reason I didn't feel like it today. So I didn't. I may be a bit fragrant but since it's only the cats who get close enough to notice, I'm not bothered.... There are huge advantages to being single sometimes ;-)

Also, I think I may be onto something in my job hunt. I received an email today advising that the local library service are advertising for casual workers....I so could do that job....so tomorrow I intend to write the letter telling them that I'd be an amazing member of staff for them, and that they'd be foolish to turn me down...then I'm employed..well hopefully.... People who know me will realise just what a perfect fit this job is... I love books. Yes I know it's not just about books. In all seriousness, this would be a great job, enough flexibility to complete my studies, but money to enable us to eat etc.... And a job to get the JSA/DWP and all the others who seem to think I'm living the life of riley on JSA, off my back!!! 

Speaking of that, and excuse me for this, but it's time to have a little rant..... Whilst I'm well aware that there, clearly, are people who are living the high life whilst on benefits I'M NOT ONE OF THEM!!! I'm so sick of being treated like thieving, sponging scum... I never have money left over at the end of the month, and whilst I'm able to manage, in no way am I buying treats. It may not be bad to teach your kids that they can't have everything they want, but just for once it would be nice to be able to buy A a treat... and don't get me started on Christmas...the whole point about that for me, is to buy presents for people. I love going out and choosing them, but now I can't afford to. And it doesn't matter that people say they understand etc., because I want to do it... So when I see people saying that welfare should be cut etc., it does make me mad. I firmly believe that you can tell a lot from the way in which a society treats those who are less well off. If welfare is cut, then how will people live? Are we really going down the route of saying that those who don't have a job, or private support, should just starve? Because that is sickening. Yes it's annoying paying taxes, and seeing those taxes going to people who you don't think deserve it, but one day that person with no money and no support may be you....and then what... (to which the answer normally is "it won't happen to me" - ha, do you think I planned on being a single mother??? um, nope...) Then I get the "well I've earnt my way up, why should I pay for those who haven't" - and again I say, why not? What makes you so special that you don't have a responsibility to others? I'd much prefer to have a job, and money, and not to rely on welfare but right now I don't have the luxury of choice. There's a reason why we have centralised tax systems, and that's because leaving it to the goodness of people's hearts, sadly, doesn't work. Because naturally we're fairly selfish, not all of us to the same degree, and I know that many people would help others out. But these people who are avoiding tax and then say, well we shouldn't have government taxing and providing welfare, it should be done privately, I say - if you won't pay tax when you're supposed to and when it's legally required, why on earth should I believe that you'd do something out of the kindness of your heart when it's not legally required..... ok rant over.... sorry if I've upset people, I really didn't mean to...

I'm going to watch some men in uniform for a bit now, before going to bed.... night all :)

Ohhhh it's Wednesday...woohoooooo ...... 

I wasn't sure whether I'd actually blog tonight, mainly because I've been hard at work on my PhD proposal all day (written 2224 words - yay me) and my eyes hurt...but then I was on Facebook anyway so I thought, I won't let my people down..I'll brave the achy eyes and write....aren't you lucky? Ha

Once again A decided that he wasn't going to school today, and once again I rang the school and asked them to ring me back and....once again they didn't..... To be fair to A,, both of us do seem to have some sort of lurgy and I've already decided that he needs to get better rather than carry on arguing about going to school. If he feels half as bad as I do then he feels rotten, and he definitely has a slight temperature... Honestly, I am cross with the school...they know how much trouble I have getting him in, and yet they're just ignoring me....which suggests to me that they don't care about getting him in.... Maybe they don't bother listening to the messages on the attendance line, maybe they just forget to reply, I don't know but it's really annoying...ah well... two more days and then it's the holidays - woo hoo

I'm really pleased with how much work I managed to get done today, especially as I spent the morning feeling lousy and dozing on the sofa... I reworked the whole PhD proposal, and I'm much happier with it now. No doubt I'll read it tomorrow and think I need to start again...lol.... I just want to get it done and handed in, although I'm very nervous about not being accepted...There's definitely a knack to writing these things and I don't think I have it.... But I've been given some advice and have taken it which has, clearly, improved the overall impact. Fingers crossed and all that...

There's been a lot of discussion in the hoax busting group I'm in, about the mental health or otherwise of the people who perpetrate these hoaxes. Personally, it has annoyed me when the defenders of these individuals put it down to them being mentally ill....I don't think that is fair to those of us who have a mental health issue, and who manage NOT to hoax and scam innocent people by pretending to have cancer. It's really quite surprising, just how many people do have 'silent' illnesses - anxiety and depression, for example. There's so much taboo still about them and I don't like that. We shouldn't be ashamed of it. It sucks but it's not a crime to have mental health problems. I know that when I was so bad a couple of weeks ago, the only thing which kept me going was the fact that I could be open and honest in this blog - and that in turn gave me the confidence to a) reach out to other people and b) do what I needed to do to get better, even though that was to hide away and nest with the cats. I realised that I'd do that anyway, only at least this time people knew why I was doing it. See, when we don't tell the truth, whether through shame or fear or whatever, we just hurt more and have more guilt. Don't get me wrong, I was still feeling bad and guilty and all that, but there was a difference from how it had been previously. Right now the anxiety of that time has receded, but it's still there. The difference is that I'm able to control it and deal with it..whereas two weeks ago I couldn't.. and no, I don't know why...I'm just strange.... 

Again though, I can see the role that the internet has played in this. Whilst it undoubtedly enables the sociopathic nutters to perpetrate their scams, it also has an amazing ability to draw people together when they need help. The hoax busting group may have started to, duh, bust hoaxes but now it's lovely to see how we're all supporting and helping each other through the crap that's being thrown at us - whether it's illness (us or a family member or friend), or work stress, money, or just having a bad day, we can vent in the group and no one else but its members will know. Laughter, filthy jokes, sympathy and warnings not to google various things can all help lift the mood. Knowing that there's someone there can be an amazing feeling. Although I have to admit, I'm itching to start hunting out and taking down another hoaxer....

Right, enough rambling from me.....I need to go to bed before my eyes rebel any more.... Night all :)

It actually didn't rain today......................

Yes I know....shocking isn't it...we may even get a proper summer at some point as apparently the gulf stream has decided to move it's lazy bum to the correct place....woohoo.... 

Today has been a weird day.... A decided that he didn't feel well enough to go to school. I felt that he was probably well enough to go in and told him so. He still refused. So I rang the school and left a message about it, saying I felt that he could go in and asking them to call me back....guess what, I heard nothing! Maybe I should have rung them again but frankly I'm a little fed up of them not returning calls etc. and I figured that I did what I had to do. There was no way that I was pushing it with A, as I had no desire for a full on fight about it. I've been told repeatedly by the school that I should leave the issues over his attendance to them to deal with - so I am. To be fair to A he did spend the day in bed, and was very quiet all day. He's in bed now and I'll just have to hope that he goes in without issue tomorrow...we'll see....

Making things harder has been the fact that I really haven't felt well myself. It's as though I'm in the early stages of having a cold, but it's been like that since Sunday night (would have expected it to be a full blown cold by now)...I just feel lousy, all achy, sniffly, sore throat, headache and stuffy sinuses... Doing anything for any length of time (apart from sleeping) is difficult and frustratingly my PhD proposal is due in on Friday. I worked hard on it this morning and have written 908 words which isn't bad....I'm hoping that I'll feel better after a good nights sleep so that I can finish it tomorrow which will give me Thursday to revise it etc. after friends have checked it over for me. I also think that I need to get out of the house tomorrow, I'm going a little stir crazy being stuck inside...no matter how lousy I feel, a walk round the block will help.....

The other reason today has been weird is because I've been following as yet another hoaxer is revealed. For some time now I have been on the edges of a group which seems to have a knack for discovering when people are pretending to have cancer (and other illnesses). I was drawn into this when Warrior Eli was discovered to be a hoax: although I'd followed this child I hadn't been very involved in the situation so even though it was a shock to realise it was all a hoax (and a VERY intricate one at that - see here for the details http://warriorelihoax.wordpress.com/) I wasn't too hurt, more angry and then intrigued. The people who initially found it was a hoax then started a Facebook group in order to facilitate discussion, especially amongst those who had been really hurt by 'Eli'. Again, although 'Eli' hadn't impacted me too much personally, I had been really hurt at the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 by two people who hoaxed me (and others in the Jack Marshall group (including his parents))... The anger and pain of that has lessened but there is definitely still frustration because there were no consequences for the people who hurt so many. Anyway, being part of the hoax-busters group on Facebook (not so much an active member though) has helped...I've realised just how easy it is for people who want to scam, to do so and just how hard it can be to figure it out. Having said that, the initial outing of 'Eli' as a hoax has led to the discovery of several more; including the one today where a girl claimed to have had cancer 4 times, including two different brain tumours at the same time. Sadly she scammed a group who are producing a film about children with cancer, and the result has been recrimination and huge damage to a fantastically worthwhile project. I'm in awe, however, of the people who are really affected by this, and the way in which they have been able to handle it with class and dignity. When it doesn't affect you personally, it can be easy to just observe intellectually, but when you're watching the process unfold it is an education in just how evil some people can be. Equally this hasn't led to me automatically assuming that people are lying, I know that's not true and I refuse to be jaded to that extent.... Sadly there are people out there who want money, or maybe even just love and attention, and this is how they get it. I just think it's great that people are willing to investigate and to quietly and calmly try to end the hoaxes...and I should say that nothing leaves the group (which is private to the nth degree) until and unless people are really certain and even then it's all done by private message...likewise, what is posted on the blog is a small fraction of what has been discovered. 

Oh, and a friend of mine has just started a blog of her own, please go and take a look - http://suzzelizabethx.blogspot.co.uk/  

Right that's all from me tonight...sorry if it's been a bit weird but that's the way I'm feeling today.... hoping that tomorrow will be better and I'll be a little less weird (yeah yeah).....

Night all :)

What day is it again? Oh yes....Monday... *sigh*....

I'm only half joking with the title of this entry you know....I have a cold starting and my head feels as though it is stuffed with cotton wool....not good when I've got masses of work to do.... Also, it's not much fun being a snot producing machine...but there you go.... 

A went off to see the Olympic Torch pass through Portsmouth this morning....he seemed to enjoy it, and his Dad took some pics which I shall steal, I mean borrow, as soon as he puts them on Facebook.... A was even more impressed with the fact that he didn't have to be in school until 10am...and even then he wasn't keen to go in.... I braced myself for a longer fight but he did give in fairly quickly and as far as I know he was in on time.... I then went back to sleep for a bit, before having lunch and talking to my mum for the first time in nearly a week.... Then I did some housework...yay me.....lol.... so not the most productive of days in terms of uni work but at least I've achieved something....

I'm feeling better in myself (cold apart) which is also good.... The weekend did me so much good, it was amazing just how settled and at home I felt at R's house and being with such lovely people was a tonic....It did me good to be able to talk to my friends, and to be supported and accepted.... R's daughters are fabulous, and she's right to be proud of them....I'm very much looking forward to going to Scunthorpe in September and meeting the rest of the gang... I just have to find myself a princess dress for under £50 now....oh dear.... lol

The weather has been appallingly crap again.....stupid gulf stream going off course - bet it was using google maps ... I'm really hoping we get summer weather soon, I want to get out on my bike and get more exercise but it's so hard to motivate myself when the rain is pouring down....even the cats don't want to go out when it's like that....

Now it's time for the polite request for sponsorship....as you know I'm doing the Race for Life on Sunday (if you're in Southsea at 11:30, then please come down and cheer us on) and I'd love for all you lovely readers to sponsor me... There's a choice of three recipients for the sponsorship and it's up to you which one you choose (or all three if you're really feeling generous)....

Firstly Jack's Fund for Jack Marshall - www.jacksfund.co.uk

Secondly Joseph Bowen's Clic Sargent fund for Jobo - http://www.bmycharity.com/josephbowensjourney 

Thirdly the official Cancer Research/Race for Life page - http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/naomimeasures 

All of these causes are so incredibly close to my heart that I can't choose one over the other.... Jackamo continues to inspire me every day, his parents are so amazingly brave and I will always be there to support them. Joseph is fighting so hard right now, and he's so cheeky and smiley that it's hard to believe (as it was with Jackamo) that he's so poorly... And Cancer Research does such amazing work that one day I'm sure they will make a break through.... So, there you go... I know times are tough right now, and I'm not asking for masses of money but if you can sponsor me then I'll be very very grateful and I know which ever option you choose, the recipient will also be pleased....  

Right, I have to go and explain to A the fact that he really has to go to bed and stop playing around.... I'm off to bed as well.... Night all :) x

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin..........

Well first of all, Hi there I'm back.....sorry for the gap between posts but on Thursday night I was just too knackered to write and then I've had an amazing weekend away....so if you're all settled, got your cuppa and  a biscuit (or Jaffa cake) then I'll tell you all about it.........

Thursday (seems so long ago..lol) I went back to London, to the Women's Library to complete the research....Sadly J couldn't come with me this time, but I did manage to finish what I needed to do....but it took me until nearly 6pm (good job they open late on Thursdays).... I had to use the micro-fiche machine and it was old, clunky and mildly scary.....not to mention expensive to take copies from - 30p a sheet - cost me £20 to get everything but it was either that or go up again and a) that costs £44 a time, b) it's knackering and c) I just don't have the time to go again.... Anyway, I just missed a train to Portsmouth, so decided to have a Burger King instead of waiting till 9pm to eat.... When I did get on the train it was (as usual) very crowded and I realised that the man sitting opposite me was reading the Malleus Maleficarum - a 15th century treatise on witches - not your average daily reading.....I used it for my undergrad dissertation but I wouldn't say it's a fun read....ah well, it takes all sorts...... On arriving in Portsmouth, the rain was falling heavily and so I got soaked on the bike ride home...lucky me....home time = bed time for me ..... 

Friday morning was spent seeing my doctor.....it went well.....he is concerned for me and has upped the amount of anti-d I take, and I have to self-refer to Talking Changes which is an NHS funded cognitive behaviour counselling service... I've filled the form in, which was interesting - answering the questions honestly I realised just how bad things are...oh dear...anyway, that's all done so I'll wait to hear from them and we'll go from there.... In the meantime I'm under strict orders to take the meds (which I do anyway), to go back to see the doc in 2 months time and to go immediately if I feel worse or anything changes....all sensible suggestions and it's good to know that the doc is happy to see me if needed..... Right now, I don't feel too bad so I'll take that :)

Friday afternoon I set off for Southampton to see my lovely friends Rhian, Rachel and Sophie, our friends Beth and Nathan were coming from Wales as well.. I met all of these people through Jack's Army and it's as though I've known them forever.... As you probably know I get anxious in new places and situations but it's a testament to how amazing these friends are, that never once during the whole weekend did I feel anxiety or nerves.... We stayed at Rhian's house, and she'd made up the spare room for me, it was just so comfy and welcoming.....Rhian and the girls shared and swapped rooms so that we could all be comfy and it was so nice to be welcomed and made to feel at home.... Even Smoky the cat let me fuss him......

Beth and Nathan arrived a few hours later, and once greetings were out of the way we all tucked in to some yummy food - finishing with *drumroll* chocolate cheesecake.....

Now, I know that I'm on a diet...and I know that I need to lose weight...and I'm even aware of the fact that it's the Race for Life next weekend BUT......I was incited by someone who shall remain nameless, *cough* Rhian *cough*, to forget said diet and to enjoy the naughty food...so I did.....I mean obviously she had to twist my arm and all that (hahaha)...no really she did....what do you mean you don't believe me? Sigh, ok then, I jumped at the chance....and I'm telling you that it was worth it but (and this is the best bit) I'm happy to go back to the diet now.... Anyway - this chocolate cheesecake was DELICIOUS....seriously yummy - it tasted like when you lick the bowl out when your mum has made cake and icing.... *mouth waters at the memory* 

It was a lovely evening because even though I'd not met Beth and Nathan before, I felt as though I knew them already because I'd chatted online and texted to Beth.... Rachel's boyfriend Chris was there as well and I salute him because he was surrounded (before Beth and Nathan arrived) by four VERY excited and hyper women who promptly screamed and ran stampeded for the front door when the others arrived - he just took it like a pro, and was very chilled..... So the evening passed with lots of chatter and giggles....and then, because it was the 13th, and because we met through Jack's Army, we lit candles in memory of Jack - Friday was 9 months since he died, and it feels like yesterday....it's true to say that we miss him more all time, and can't talk about him enough....

We had a relatively early night because we all had to be up early-ish on the Saturday to drive to Old Sarum Airfield in Salisbury to watch Nathan throw himself out of a plane for another little star, Joseph Bowen, who has leukemia..... Nathan was ridiculously calm, whilst Beth, Rachel, Rhian and I were super excited because we were finally getting a chance to meet and have a cwtch with Joseph aka Jobo.... We arrived at about 11am, having driven through several tranches of torrential rain...and to be honest it didn't look very good when we arrived.....

 

So there was a suspicion that Nathan wouldn't get to jump, sorry 'fall with style', from 10,000 feet...and that suspicion was eventually proved correct....sadly the weather never improved enough, and did get worse (downpours and wind) and so Nathan will now be Jumping for Jobo on the 9th September..... On the plus side I did get to have snuggles with Jobo himself who is as charming and gorgeous as I thought he'd be.... I even got a mention (along with Beth) in his blog *preens self like a superstar* and I fully intend to take his lovely mum (Celine) up on her kind offer to go over for a cuppa - they only live locally so I'm looking forward to that....

I encourage you all to go to Jobo's mum's blog (http://josephbowensjourney.blogspot.co.uk/) to read about him, because this post is long enough already...but suffice it to say that Jobo is an adorable little chap who charms everyone and is so amazing brave and cheerful that it's hard to remember how poorly he has been (and that he's still on chemo).... 

When we finally gave Jobo back to his mum (that was tough to do, lol) we set off home and ended up having a lovely chilled out evening with more yummy food (banoffee pie - nom nom nom), lots of laughter and masses of talking.... At one point Rhian, Rachel, Beth and I sat and watched some of Jack's mum's videos of him - made us laugh and cry and reminded us (as if we needed it) that his bravery and cheerfulness were simply breathtaking... It's so horribly unfair that he's not with his loving family and friends anymore, a reminder that stupid cancer is so sucky and a definite incentive to be successful in the search for a cure.....it's so wrong that amazing people are being taken every day by this horrible disease.... 

Today was another lazy day, and then eventually I had to leave and come home...and here we are..... I had an amazing weekend, I felt so at home at Rhian's and can't believe how easy it was to settle..especially given how anxious etc., I've been recently.... Now I'm on the countdown to the Jack Marshall Ball on the 15th September (two months) when I'll get to meet up with so many other lovely people.... before that though I've got the Race for Life and the small matter of a dissertation to write..... 

Right, will leave you in peace now... thanks for reading... :)

London, lightning and lots and lots of rain.....

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday...by the time I got home from London I was just so exhausted that I couldn't think straight, let alone compose a coherent blog entry..... Many hours of sleep later I'm feeling much better, and so here I am - you lucky people :)

Yesterday was my first research trip to the Women's Library in London, and my friend J kindly came with me to help me with the note taking. As it turned out she ended up helping in other ways as well.. Purchasing large cups of tea for me, being just one of those.... Somehow, despite getting up in plenty of time, I managed to get myself caught up in reading something online and was late leaving the house...so I had to peddle very fast to the station - and as it always the case in these situations ALL the traffic lights turned red as I approached them....gah.... I swear someone in the council was watching, and laughing as they pressed the button... too paranoid?? lol

Anyway, I arrived on time, red in the face, sweaty and looking shocking....so J bought me a cuppa, gotta love her....we had a lovely journey up to Waterloo - chatting all the way (what me, talk a lot? nah...) Then we battled our way through the London Underground and made our way to Aldgate East station - at which point I took us in completely the wrong direction, before we eventually found our way to the correct London Met Uni building and the Women's Library.... Both J and I were hugely excited - historians tend to get like that at the idea of proper, primary source research... Sadly, they only retrieve documents at certain times of the day, so we had to order ours and then wait....so we had lunch - well it was only fair that we sustained ourselves whilst waiting....

Then we finally got our hands on the documents and promptly dived straight in to them...the next few hours just flew by, and I shall have to go back tomorrow because even with two of us we still didn't manage to get through everything we needed to. It was hugely exciting to read the words of men and women who lived over 100 years ago...and not a little amusing to realise just how similar their rants on the evils of prostitution/sex/women thinking for themselves, are to some of today's opinions....somethings never change, I guess....

The archives at the Women's Library are amazing but they are (unsurprisingly) expensive to maintain and run...and there is the possibility that we (as a country) may lose access to the archives. The LMU can't afford to maintain it, and so the archive is up for sale - as in they want someone to take it over.. I know the preference is to keep it in this country but I also know that much of the interest (and money) is in the USA.. It would be a real shame if this resource were lost - particularly as none of it is online and much of it is so fragile that to digitise it would be prohibitively expensive - or so I'm told... Fingers crossed that this will be resolved, but I fear that the only way to stop it going into private hands and being split up it will have to go overseas...

Anyway, we were finally kicked out of there at 5pm and we made our way back to Waterloo - only to find that due to a signalling fault our train had been cancelled, and would start from Woking...we were told that we should go to Woking and the train would be there...except that ALL the trains were delayed and so by the time we got to Woking the train to Portsmouth had gone and we had a 30 minute wait - bearing in mind we'd only bought lunch with us as we'd expected to be back by 7... J was amazing,, because without her I'd have been stressed and anxious but because she was there I was able to relax.... Eventually we got back to Fratton station, got off the train and immediately saw this............

As you can imagine, given that I was on my bike, I was somewhat skeptical about my chances of arriving home dry and warm.... Nevertheless, I got on my bike (my powers of instantaneous transportation being rather limited) and set off...sure enough, halfway home the heavens opened and I was soaked....I was cycling into the storm, so the roads were already wet and cars/buses/lorries were chucking up water everywhere...kinda miserable really, but them's the breaks of cycling.... At least when I got home I received a warm welcome from the cats - mainly cos they wanted food but hey, it's all attention...and was able to get changed...at which point I just crashed out on the sofa....

Now, I was planning on having a nice lie in today, then going to see my friend H and doing some shopping....but the best laid plans and all that...at 7:30 I received a call from A's dad to say that A wasn't well...now P is not one for being conned by A when he wants a day off, and the fact that A had apparently gone to bed (without protest) at 5pm last night suggested that he probably wasn't well....so he was on his way to mine for the day....bye bye lie in and lazy lunch with H...

So today has been boring - I did go back to sleep for a bit, and managed to get to Tesco for food shopping, as well as sorting my money out and being a good girl - separating the money for my bills so that I don't spend it....boring but essential..and now, I'm chilling on the sofa, before having an early night as I'm up at 7 to go to London tomorrow...just about the only thing which hasn't been boring today has been the weather - rain, sun, lightning, thunder, hail...not all at the same time but almost....

I'm still very tired, but the looming black cloud (the metaphorical one) has gone (the real one in the sky seems to be coming back...) or has at least lifted considerably.... My anxiety is there but I'm in control a lot better than I was.... Part of this is because of the amazing support I've received, part is because I've got things to fix my mind on when I start getting upset and part is because (for the time being) I'm not confronting some of the trickier issues..... so we'll see - doctors is on Friday so I'll talk to him about it all and see where we go from here...

Night all :)

Monday lives up to its reputation....well somewhat.......

Hello Monday, how nice to see you.....or maybe not....Because today is the day I have to sign on, oh and I have the pleasure of attending one of those lovely 'help you back to work' company sessions....but at least I had the joy of researching in the local history centre.....

Signing on wasn't as bad as I'd feared...yes I felt rather nervous and sick before going in but there was no sign of the blond bitchy one, and I was in and out really quickly....I also picked up a form to appeal the decision about losing my JSA, so that will be fun to fill out. I was hugely amused by the letter Gina (at the Uni) had written to the DWP....she expressed herself, um, forcefully and I get the feeling that there's more than a little frustration at the DWP's attitude... Ah well, we shall see what happens..... I shall put in a complaint about blondie's attitude and then I shall complete the appeal and then I shall be a good girl and try to be relaxed about the outcome of both. 

Anyway, having braved the job-centre I proceeded to the library and the local history centre for research...I was really pleased to see the legendary JT sitting at a table there....and then the lovely J arrived, so all was good... I found some fabulous information for my dissertation, and there's more where it came from... To top it all off, JT took J and I for lunch which was just lovely....he's a real legend (I may have mentioned that already, lol) and a properly nice man.... So I was feeling pretty ok, like the black cloud has passed.... talk about speaking too soon.....

At 2pm I had to present myself at a company called (well I thought it was called) Maximus, who were going to magically get me a job..sorry about that, my sarcasm button must be on....anyway, to say I wasn't looking forward to it would be to express an understatement the size of my rear end.... Basically this is one of those government schemes which allows them to pretend to be doing something about unemployment, but which is in reality just another way to duplicate work already being done whilst lining other people's pockets.... However, I have to go - if I don't then even if I win my appeal, I won't get any JSA and whatever my feelings about the usefulness of this place, I owe it to A to make it work. So I took a deep breath and went in......................

And promptly wanted to walk back out again... this place is AWFUL... it stank, it was filthy and there was a very unhappy, disheveled, druggie lookalike, man shouting at the receptionist about needing money.... The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up, and not for a good reason - I've felt safer walking through Portsmouth in the dark than I did in this place... I could feel myself really starting to panic but I made myself sign in and wait to be seen... It then transpired that I was expected to spend two hours in this place, well I just couldn't...the fear was already manifesting itself in a bad temper (am so not proud of that) and I felt sick...so I told them I had to leave at 3 to be available for A. Luckily they agreed but by this point I was feeling and behaving like a stroppy teenager - again, NOT proud of this at all... However scared I was, whatever level my panic was at I really should have behaved better... Honestly, part of it was sheer frustration at being there and at having to listen to the crap coming out of the mouth of the bloke talking to us. They took us into a room for an 'induction seminar', and promptly told us how wonderful they were, how they were so great at getting people jobs and that people (with the right attitude) always got jobs with them....in the mood I was in this, perhaps unfairly, put my back up. It's very hard to be told that the reason you haven't been successful in your job hunt is because you're useless but don't worry the marvelous people at Maximus (or Careers Development Group as I now discovered they are called) will swoop in and sort it all out....there was no acknowledgement that the job market is tough right now....it was all about how rubbish we'd been and how they would solve this... It was patronising and pointless.... I sat there and listened and it took all my energy not to run out of there and to concentrate on keeping calm.... I will admit that I probably do need some help and advice about getting a job but if I had the choice I wouldn't go to them. 

And that's the heart of the problem. As I was telling my mum earlier - I know I need a job, and analytically I think I can do it...I certainly don't have a problem applying for jobs, although I do get very nervous about interviews - I just tell myself that that is normal. However, when I think about the reality of having a job, I panic. The problems with A are such that I can't see them being resolved quickly and I know that missing work because of them would not be acceptable...so I'm stuck, I apply for jobs, I even want (certain) jobs but I'm terrified of what will happen when I get one. I really want to be a lecturer, that doesn't scare me at all....even teaching (once I get my MA I think I should be able to go onto the substitute teacher register, and can teach on a max 1 year contract as an unqualified teacher) doesn't freak me out....but anything that involves potential contact with the public (call centre/shop) makes me shake.... I'm happiest when I'm researching, genuinely lost in my work and able to let all my worries and fears drift away....but I know I need to work, and so the next step is to speak to the doctor, get some advice and see if I can tailor my search in way which allows me to find a job I can do, and do well.. I know that lots of people don't like their jobs, and I'm willing to try something even if I'm scared...but what I don't want is to be signed off sick again...I've come so far, and despite this set back I'm still determined to move forward....

So, I see the doctor on Friday, and A is awaiting his referral to Camhs.... I've rearranged the second part of today's induction for the 2nd August in the hope that by then things will be clearer and I'll be calmer and more able to cope next time I go in.... If not, then I shall ask a friend to come with me, because I'll do anything to provide for A, and I'm not prepared to fail - just because I think the work scheme is a pointless pain in the behind, doesn't mean I can, or will, give up.... 

Anyway, tomorrow J and I are off to the Women's Library in London to do some research for my dissertation...so I'm looking forward to that, especially as I won't be on my own.... Early night for me tonight though so I'll sign off now..... 

Facebook friends......and others.........

Heyyyy I'm back...I know you all missed me loads....lol... I was just too knackered last night to do anything other than veg on the sofa before dragging my sorry backside up to bed..... Ten hours sleep (plus one afternoon nap) later and I feel much better...

Friday night was a late one, I had to stay awake until Clare got back because I had her house keys...then we ended up watching an ancient episode of 3-2-1 (Clare got very excited when she saw Dusty Bin) which was random....was very funny to see how excited they all were about a 14 inch telly, a MASSIVE video recorder (kids, ask your parents if you don't know what one of those is) and a computer which was "state of the art" - am sure it was for its time but oh boy, the graphics were sooooo bad.... Anyway, after that little trip down memory lane I finally got to go to bed..... It's weird how not sleeping in your own bed can affect sleep and dreams... Clare lives on a busy road and normally it doesn't bother me but this time I was aware of the traffic noise. It took me a while to get to sleep and when I did I had a nasty dream...it was realistic, in the sense that everything that happened was possible (so no aliens and I wasn't a size 10), which made it worse...so I woke up feeling a bit shaky.... Fortunately for me my adorable god-daughters arrived home just after I'd surfaced....so I had lots of cuddles from them, and then promptly had to sit and watch kids tv with them as well.....iCarly, So Random and the one with a cute kid in which has Lucky in the title....then I persuaded them to let me watch Tom and Jerry - before we watched the end of Tangled..I did like that actually.... Then it was time to take S to her dance class in Henley, she is very good at it and it was nice to see her learning her ballet steps....but then (sadly) I had to go home so they dropped me at the station and I managed to catch the train with more time to spare than on Friday...

It wasn't a bad journey home but I was shattered. A was supposed to be staying at a friends house but plans changed (after I'd shopped and not bought him tea..ooops).... He wasn't in a great mood, being rude and disobedient again...my coping mechanism wasn't working so well due to tiredness so I took myself off to bed...ahh sweet blissful sleep....it does help to make the world seem better.. Today he was grumpy again, but took himself off out to see friends, which seemed to cheer him up. I lazed around, watching the F1 grand prix and then the tennis whilst tidying the lounge - yay for me.... I enjoyed watching Murray in the final - pity he lost but he did play very well and I felt for him when he was so upset. I was actually asleep at that point - not that the match was boring, I fell asleep in the rain break and only woke up as Murray finished talking to Sue Barker... I hope that he comes back and wins a grand slam final, he's a nicer, better person than some people give him credit for and one comment (a joke which some people seem to want to take seriously) has been blown out of all proportion... I do love Wimbledon, am watching the mixed-doubles final as I write this (the rain is hammering down on the roof of centre court so hard that it's overwhelming the sound of the racket on the ball...proper loud), and I can't wait to watch the Olympic tennis.....not long to go now...

Anyway, today has been a good day. Seeing Clare over the weekend has been a huge help, I feel safe in her house and because I know Reading I wasn't too freaked out about being away. It is good to be home, and the overwhelming feeling of fear and sadness has lifted somewhat. It sneaks back in occasionally, but it's not ever present, and for that I'm very grateful. I'm still feeling shaky and anxious in terms of some situations and I definitely don't want to go outside my comfort zone..which brings me to the title of this blog entry.... my facebook friends.............

Next weekend I'm heading over to Southampton to spend some time with people I've got to know through the Jack Marshall facebook page. Now, normally meeting new people would freak me out but in this instance I'm excited and I can't wait...so why the difference...well, I've actually met some of these lovely people already and the other two I've chatted to on FB and twitter... I feel as though I know them, I'm comfortable with them and I know that they are lovely people...so the excitement is for meeting people I already consider to be friends, rather than fear over meeting new people..... The same applies to the Ball I'm attending in September, I've talked to so many of the people I'll meet there and I consider them to be friends... I'm not worried about going, I'm excited and I'm very grateful as well...because it's the result of their actions and care that I feel this way. I've had nothing but support and love from them, and along with my other friends and family, they are the reason I've kept going when at times I've just wanted to hide away. It's definitely a 21st century phenomenon, this making of friends online, and we are, rightly at times, concerned about how genuine some people are, but I also think that we shouldn't miss out on fabulous friendships just because they're online ones (at least at first).... Facebook is criticised at times, and rightly so in some cases, but it is amazing for me. I can keep in touch with one of my oldest friends (in terms of how long I've known her, not her age, lol) who lives in Australia because of Facebook...both of us are busy with kids and other things, and writing letters/phone calls just aren't always practical...FB allows us to check out what's going on in each others lives and to 'watch' the children grow up - we've never met the other's children (one day it will happen) but through photo's and updates we can see what they're up to... I've also been able to keep in touch with family member, who normally I may not see for months.... I'm not trying to 'sell' FB or to defend it's faults (there are way too many ways for people to abuse others etc. through it for my liking) but I'm also a bit fed up of having to put up with the roll of the eyes from some when I mention friends from FB or when I'm apparently on FB 'too much'.... The boost I get from my friends has been, at times, the difference between going to bed smiling or in tears....likewise, I feel able to support others, and I'm happy that I can, via the friendships I've made.... So, yeah, I'm excited for Friday and I'm smiling when I think about the weekend.....and that can only be a good thing......

Right, I'm off to watch men in uniform on my telly box..... Happy Sunday evening everyone :)