There was something funny up in the sky today......

...it was yellow, and glowing and hot....I'm pretty sure I know what it is...it's on the tip of my tongue (not literally, cos that would be painful)....what is it?....oh yes, it's called the sun..... So that was nice. For the first day in ages it didn't rain.... I even managed a short bike ride.... The cats were happy as well, fighting over the prime spot for sunbathing on the shed roof....

I didn't go and see JT today....for the simple reason that I panicked at the thought of having to make conversation...and this is with the loveliest lecturer....honestly, I'm so stupid sometimes.....but once the panic had set in, my brain was off on one and I developed a headache, not to mention the tension lump in my throat....The fact is, I feel stupid now but at the time it was horrible and as soon as I'd made the decision not to go I did begin to calm down. 

I've not been sleeping very well, although last night was better. Sadly I seem to be having recurrent dreams, not every night thankfully, in which A's behaviour occurs in front of an audience, leading to me waking up shaking and feeling sick. The problem is that I'm so sensitised to his behaviour that even the slightest hint of it, even the 'normal' teenage attitude triggers tension, stress and angst in me...and I'm pretty sure it's leading to me not handling things as well as I should. My frustration means that I probably snap at him, when I shouldn't. It's so sad. I'm too worried about coping with him that I'm on edge. Today it took me a while to relax, and when I did we had a nice time, chatting etc., but before then we'd both snapped at each other and I'd probably not been exactly welcoming. Something I'm ashamed of. On the plus side I've had contact from Camhs to say that he will be assessed by them, once the doctor has done the referral. So that's something. I just hope that they take it seriously - I'm the only witness to what happens, although my parents and friends (and the police) have seen parts of it. A tells me things, but if he then clams up when they speak to him, what can they do...however, the person assessing him is someone he knows and likes, so I'm hopeful that she'll see the truth and then we'll get the help we need. It's hard because I love him, and my natural inclination is to keep things 'in house' as it were....I don't want people looking at him differently, or treating him differently - that would break my heart, yet I know that he does need help, and so do I... so I have to be a big (ha), brave girl and face it head on. It's so weird, because I can feel, and think, that I'm ok, or maybe I'm trying to convince myself of that - yet when I have to actually do something which is scary (to me) then the panic sets in and I find that I can't do it..no matter how much I tell myself I can, or try to make myself do it. 

I finally got to talk to C, my closest friend, today...both of us being single mums means that we struggle to catch up at times...but I'm very much looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. It was good to talk to her, she knows exactly what I'm going through, and I feel safe when I'm at her house. So I'm heading off tomorrow to see her graduate from her Access course, and to share in the celebrations before I leave her to misbehave (haha) whilst I go back to her house...I'm not up for partying yet....Hopefully I'll get to see her daughters, my lovely god-daughters, on Saturday before I come home. She also reminded me that I've got my birthday present to spend tomorrow..so she's taking me shopping....just to one shop mind you but that's ok, I can cope with that (I hope)...........

She told me something interesting re the whole JSA/DWP thing. She had a similar problem, in fact she was doing more hours at her course than I was at mine. She appealed the decision and won, which encourages me. She also told me that she was advised that when decisions are appealed, it is done so on an individual case basis. I'm going to continue to sign on, even though they won't pay me JSA at the moment (I'm entitled to do this) and if then the appeal is successful I'll be paid back the money owed. I'm taking advice from people, and I'll set things in motion when I next go in - which is Monday. I'll be honest, the thought of going back to the job centre makes me feel slightly ill, and I really hope I don't have to see the bitch I saw last time...but I'm determined that I'm not going to let them do this. I didn't lie, and I was told that I was entitled to JSA - now they say I'm not...and yet it appears that it's not as clear cut as that woman would have me think. So we'll see - butterflies in my tummy when I think about it and about fighting it but this is about mine and A's survival....I'm looking for a job, as always, but in the absence of one then I believe I'm entitled to JSA. Let's see what happens.

I'm off to bed in a bit, exhaustion is still hitting me badly and I need to be at my best for tomorrow. Hopefully I won't wake up to something disgusting, regurgitated by the cats and left for me on the door mat...ewww... I do love them, but I wish they'd bring me money as a present, not dead things....  

Thanks again for reading......