Will someone please tell the weather that it's July, not November..............

Monday, again? Already? Oh...fine.... I had research plans today, which involved going to Aldershot and looking through all the local history books to see what info they contained regarding my dissertation topic...the answer: not much...... but at least I was a good girl and went to the trouble of finding that out for myself....lol

I have to be honest, I really didn't want to go this morning..... Sleep was patchy last night, and my state of mind at the moment is not great. I just wanted to go back to bed, and sleep. The only thing which stopped me, was the knowledge that I would regret it....no matter what else is going on in my life, my MA has been a huge help in boosting my spirits and confidence and I can't and won't give up now...no matter how bad I feel. I'm fighting hard, against my inner issues, in order to keep this one thing which is mine, which I'm good at, and which is going to be an asset for the rest of my working life. Weirdly, whilst I may have no confidence at times, there's always a part of me which won't give up - fighting to stay 'normal' and not to let this horrible illness win. Depression and/or anxiety is an illness. Despite what some people may think, it is not about being able to 'pull yourself together' (when someone says that to me, I feel like saying "wow, I'd not thought of that, I'll try it right away, and you make sure you patent that cure before someone else thinks of it" - sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit but sometimes it's really helpful)......If I could stop this, I would - in a heartbeat.... I mean do people really think that I like feeling like this, not enjoying things, missing out on things, feeling scared, wanting to be alone so much...etc..... I was reading A Life Too Short but Ronald Reng, which is the story of German goalkeeper Robert Enke. Enke suffered from severe depression, and in November 2010 he committed suicide. The book had begun as a joint effort to write his biography, but it turned out to be a eulogy, the story of his life and his depression. Reading it was (as is often the case with these books) like reading about how I feel at times. Again, it's a book I'd recommend because it shows how cyclical depression can be, and how hard it is to talk openly about it. Writing this is hard, there's no way I could say this to people face to face - even writing it is difficult because there's still so much shame surrounding depression. 

People mean well, and sometimes their suggestions are valid - losing weight, staying active, eating healthily - all these things can and will help at times but not always, and when they don't, the feeling of failure is increased. As Enke's wife says "That was the trap of depression: it stripped him of the power to do the most normal things, and then the impression that he couldn't accomplish anything any more dragged him all the more deeply into the illness." (p.338) I'm fighting to keep doing 'normal' things, but it's taking a lot of emotional energy. Sometimes it is easier than others, and I don't want to say that I never enjoy anything, or that everything is too much effort...but the reality is that there are only a few situations in which I am truly comfortable - with family and friends, at home, and when I'm knee deep in research (it seems to distract me very well). Being in a place where I don't know the majority of people is terrifying (I'm talking about a social situation, such as a party). It's so hard to explain, especially as I'm able to appear confident, but I often just want to hide. I'm sitting here, trying to put it into words, but so far I can't. It can come across as rudeness but it's not, it's more a complete paralysis of my mind, total confusion, exhaustion all combined so that when people ask me a question I panic. I only have so much energy to fight the depression, and it's not enough to overcome it - not by a long shot. It's so much easier just to be at home, safe, with my books, and research and the cats.... 

I can't explain why certain events (parties, large gatherings) panic me more than others.....For example, right now the Race for Life isn't freaking me out, and neither is the thought of going to Salisbury to support a friend's boyfriend who is doing a sponsored parachute jump...but the sheer idea of going to my best friend's graduation party makes me shake, I get a lump in my throat, I feel sick and panicked to the point of lashing out verbally if persuasion is attempted....I'll be ok at the ceremony but the thought of being at a party, knowing only one person and surrounded by lots of drunken people whom I've never met before really scares the crap out of me. I know that in those situations I can become a horrible person, I don't excuse that because I know that I can stop myself but sometimes the effort is too much and I just become a sulky, brattish, rude, angry person. I don't like me when I do that, and I'm not sure that I have the mental strength necessary to resist it right now. I hate the thought that I'm letting her down, because I'd said I'd go, but the closer it gets, the more panicked I am. Even writing this is making me shake. I just about coped at my cousin's wedding. This has got nothing to do with anything they have done. I love my family and my friends, they're amazing. It's this stupid brain of mine. The thoughts and fears which go round and round in it can become overwhelming,, and when they do I can't concentrate on anything else. I'm terrified about what that may mean for my future, for my goals (PhD and further) and for my life in general. 

As I'm writing this, a little voice is providing 'commentary', such as I imagine some readers may when they read it - along the lines of "just make the effort not to do that then if it upsets/hurts/whatever you so much", and "just get on with it, we do" etc. etc... I don't blame people for thinking like that, but all I can say is that every day when the depression is bad (as it is at the moment) I make a huge effort and mostly I succeed. It's just that sometimes making the effort isn't enough, not to mention how exhausting it is. 

I'm pretty sure that I know what has triggered this latest episode - the tension and stress of being on edge re A's behaviour, worrying about what's going to happen next and about whether or not the Doctor and Camhs will sort out their issue over who has to assess and refer A, and actually get on and do it. Coupled with the angst over the JSA (a letter arrived today which seems to confirm that I won't get it any more, but since they've not had the letter from Uni which they claimed to need before they made a decision, I'm confused as to what's going on), the last two weeks have been a rollercoaster and not a good one either. I'm due to see my doctor next week, and in the meantime all I can do is just try and take a day at a time and to reduce the stress (ha!) as much as possible. 

ok enough of my ridiculous ramblings. I'm sorry, this blog entry has been so ugh....