Rain...and shopping....and lovely people.........

I made it....but it was stressful.....this morning feels like a very long time ago.... The sun had decided that one day of shining on England was enough, and so the rain was back....so I didn't cycle to the station...which I do feel bad about. I left the cats with lots of food, told them not to have an parties, not to bring in any dead 'things' and to behave themselves before leaving Molly in charge (at which point she walloped Billy on the head...so yeah, that's going to go well...lol).....

The train journey was horrible, as the first train was late into Southampton - this meant that I had to dash from one side of the station to the other, via the worlds slowest lift, in order to catch the train to Reading - I made it with 2 seconds to spare... This train was packed, which meant that I had to sit next to someone..and ok, I know it makes me sound precious but I get so self conscious about my size (not to mention how hot and sweaty I was after running to catch the train in the first place) that it's horribly uncomfortable for me. The crowded carriage also made me a bit panicked, which manifested itself in the bitchy comments I texted to my friend and mum about the people who kept bashing me on the head with their bags...not particularly proud of that but oh boy are some people annoying on public transport...lol...I was so glad when the train arrived in Reading and I could get off (but not before having to battle past the people standing in the aisle, who didn't seem to realise that just because they weren't getting off, other people still were....oh dear, tempers frayed then - not mine, I hasten to add...I just watched...)

Anyway, I don't mind coming to Reading - I lived here for 5 years and I know it really well so I don't panic about getting from place to place. Which is a plus. And it was fabulous to see Clare...We had a nice wander round town and I spent part of my birthday pressie from her on a lovely top. Then, we had to walk through town in the pouring rain to get the bus...yeah, so that was a lot less fun than the shopping part...lol.... by the time the bus arrived we were soaked and then I got rained on when I was ON the bus......oh yes...sitting by an open window + heavy rain + wind = me getting wet..... I'm pretty sure that my clothes still haven't dried out....ah well.... We warmed up, got changed, watched a bit of Murray v Tsonga and then headed off out - running to catch the bus to town - I don't do running..it's undignified....lol

I was nervous, I kept reminding myself that I could do it but that didn't stop the butterflies or the shakes. Clare was a total star though, she stayed with me and as soon as I met S and his wife L I relaxed more. They're lovely, calm and kind and I did feel ok when it was just the four of us. We headed into the room for the awards, which were chaotic to say the least.....and LOUD.... Clare introduced me to some more friends but they were a lot louder and it was harder to make conversation..not that they weren't lovely people but I just struggled... Anyway, it was so hot in the room that when it became clear that the awards were going to drag on a bit, we sneaked out...well I say sneaked, it was more like we tried to sneak and failed miserably....a rather officious woman tried to tell us to go back in but I was having none of it...luckily she didn't hang around...

Queuing for food (pretty much all gone by the time we go there) was knackering, and by this point I was really struggling... It was so loud and I really felt bad because I'm sure I came across as rude because when people spoke to me, I just went blank and stuttered.... L and Clare sat with me, and that was ok....when the disco started, I decided to make a swift exit....and now I'm back at Clare's, waiting to let her in when she rolls home...lol..... I made it through, and although I'm exhausted I'm glad I came... I've loved meeting S and L, and am looking forward to seeing my god-daughters tomorrow.....hopefully the train won't be as busy tomorrow and I'll have a good journey home... In the meantime, I'm raiding Clare's fridge (the buffet at the
'do' was, ahem, rubbish) and watching telly.....

So yay for me, this may not seem like much to many people but for me this is an achievement...It wasn't perfect but I did it. I'm not the person I used to be, the confident happy go lucky and fearless person.....I'm not sure I'll ever be that person again. I looked at some of the girls tonight and I saw myself a few years ago...there was a twinge of regret/sadness because part of me would love to be that person again, but right now that won't happen... I went through a phase of trying to make it happen, by getting drunk...never again....it wasn't really me, and I made myself look and feel worse as a result...so, now I just have to accept that the naturally confident me has gone - I can fake it sometimes, sometimes it comes back because I'm comfy with the people I'm with, and sometimes it just happens but more often than not I'm shaking inside and freezing with nerves.... My battle now is not to get angry, depressed or stressed about it, but to try and accept it and just get on with life...... And this is where this blog comes in, because I can write things down, work things through and maybe get to a point where things are easier/better.... We'll see..... but thank you for reading.... it means a lot.

Right, time for feet up and a bag of twiglets....om nom nom...... :)