A rough time...........................................

Sorry for the lack of blog posts the last few days....It's been a tricky time and to be honest I've not really felt much like blogging... Mainly because I haven't known where to start, and then when I've thought about it, it's all become overwhelming and my mind has just given up and gone on strike.... 

Saturday, however, was good because I got to see K, a friend who I've not seen for ages... We met on the Access course 5 years ago, but now she's working and I'm doing the MA we just don't have as much time as before (when we were students, she used to come over all the time, ah those were the days...) It was so good to have a proper catch up, and she also gave me some advice re A, which was fab - she works as a special needs TA at a primary school and so she knows her way around the system and was able to give help regarding what the best move would be. She also suggested some potential causes for A's behaviour, and what she said made perfect sense. I'm not saying more than that just yet, because until we've seen Camhs and found out what exactly is going on, then there's no point speculating any more than we already have done. 

Yesterday was a total wash out...I spent the whole day curled up on the sofa, suffering from tummy ache and feeling sick....which wasn't fun. A went to the cinema with his dad, to see the latest Batman film. I believe they both enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching the Olympics, and at least I wasn't too bored. However panic did begin to set in, as I knew that I had to get cracking on the dissertation; all the issues of the last few weeks have really impacted on my ability to get the work done. I've emailed my supervisor, and I'm hoping that I can meet with him next week and that he'll be able to calm my fears. 

Last night, however, was a nightmare - literally.. Knowing that A was due at mine a 7:30am I went to bed at 10pm. And promptly lay awake for two hours. When I did fall asleep I ended up having bad dreams. For some people dreaming about monsters is a nightmare, for me it's dreaming about me behaving badly. Yes that's right. Every so often, more when I'm stressed, I will have dreams in which I behave really badly...I steal, I'm rude and horrible - in short all the bad stuff comes out......I'm a horrible person in these dreams and even though I want to wake up, I can't. When I finally do, I'm left feeling really shaken and upset. Last night was worse though, because A had left his window open so when the nice men came to empty the huge communal rubbish bin at the flats next door (at 4:15am!!), the loud clanking and banging woke me up. I think I was halfway out of bed before I realised what had happened.. It took me ages to calm down, and get back to sleep. So when I finally woke up properly today, I was already on edge and feeling crappy. 

Mid-morning however I had a text from A's dad to say that he and his partner, A's step-mum, were splitting up. Talk about a bolt from the blue, I didn't see that one coming. And I had to keep it quiet until they could tell A later on. After the initial shock (and feeling of sadness for P, A's dad), my main concern was A. He doesn't react well to change, and he loves his step-mum. So this was going to be a big deal for him. To make matters worse, A decided that his time today would be best spent being hyperactive at home, rather then playing outside...so I was trying to sort out some dissertation stuff, process the whole 'splitting up' thing, and deal with a hugely hyperactive 12 year old...sigh.... Stress alert....

Having said that I did get a lot done today, and A did go out and lose some of his energy (not much tho)... By tea time we were at the docs for an appt re A's knee - he bashed it at school a month ago and when it was x-rayed they noticed some sort of anomaly. They weren't sure whether it was an old injury or a new one, but as it's still hurting the doc has said he needs to have physio and has referred him. She also completed the referral to Camhs - which hadn't been done...sigh...it was hard because she (naturally) wanted to know why he needed  the referral, but as A was there I couldn't be as open as I wanted to be. We try not to discuss things too much in front of him, because of concerns that he will play up certain behaviours etc., if he knows which ones are problematic. Anyway, I think I got our concerns across, and she will do the referral ASAP - fingers crossed that happens, and he gets seen soon. He really needs the help right now. 

A went back to P's then, and was told what had happened. I then received a text from A saying that he wanted to spend the night with me. Not totally surprising I guess. Poor kid, he's alternating between being upset and tearful and worrying about his dad. It's heartbreaking. He's upset, but trying to be tough, although I told him that tears are good and holding them in isn't always the right thing to do. It's a horrible situation. Even tho P and I split up 4 years ago, he's A's dad and I don't hate him; we have a friendly relationship and I feel for him at the moment. It's horrible when a break up happens, and it's worse when kids are involved. There's a whole lot of hurt at the moment and for me, even though I'm not directly involved, there is emotion as well. I'm watching my son deal with losing his step-mum whilst worrying about his dad; that's not easy. Plus I'm concerned for P, because he must be feeling so bad;  I know that he's also worried about A.  So yeah, all in all it's been a weird day. 

Earlier on I was just a mess. So frustrated with A when he was being hyper and cross with myself for not being more understanding and nice. Every day I think, maybe I'll feel better today, and every day I get disappointed when I don't.. .I know I'm probably expecting too much but I feel like such a failure at times and even when I should be happy, I can be experiencing the empty, sick, painful, sad feeling inside... It's ridiculous and I feel worse because I have no reason to feel like this. I know people who have it much worse than I do, and here's me feeling crap for no reason. I'm just hoping that as I immerse myself in the dissertation, I will feel better...because I don't have any time for the thoughts to go round and round in my head. 

So now, I've got A here and he's wanting a hug from his mum.....which means it's time for me to sign off....

Night all, :)