has it really been a year?

Actually, can someone check whether it really has been a year....I'm feeling lazy and I can't be bothered ;)  In all seriousness, I seem to vaguely remember starting this blog just after the Great Manchester Run last year, and since the 2013 Run took place last Sunday, I'm guessing that my blog must be a year old...Woohoo, Happy Birthday to my blog...or something.

Anyway, I thought I'd better write a post, although anyone expecting anything profound, prophetic or *frantically tries to think of another suitable word beginning with 'p', gives up, googles it, ooh propitious that's a good one*, propitious is in for disappointment...it's more likely to be a bit pathetic... ohhh get me.......

So, this week hasn't been too bad actually. I've managed to almost complete my MA dissertation research, which is a relief - only the 15,000 words to write now... *gulp*. I've also managed to keep on top of the housework (but not the laundry - you can't have everything though), and I've spent some great quality time with A, including a ride on a posh bus...but more of that later....Tomorrow A and I head off to see my parents for the weekend. We can't wait. Looking forward to seeing my Nanna, and my Aunt L and Uncle J as well...especially as J is an awesome cook - looking forward to eating what he prepares.... As A's school is closed for an Inset Day on Monday, we can have a long weekend, and P is kindly coming over to look after the cats (which they will love)....

A spent the weekend with his Dad, and seems to have had a great time....their local pub had its annual beer/music festival and A very much enjoyed being part of that ... He eventually decided to come back to mine on Monday night. Tuesday was designated as 'mum and A day' and A was allowed to choose what we did. He decided that I would take him out for lunch, and that we would get tickets which allowed us to ride the buses all day. As you may remember, A loves riding the buses, and he wanted to share it with me...which was sweet. The weather was appalling, but it didn't matter too much as we were under cover most of the time. I won't bore you with all the details, but we went up to Fareham and had the most delicious ham, egg and chips at a pub before riding the 'posh' bus to Gosport and back again. It really was posh - wooden floors and leather seats - I was wondering where the champagne was, lol.

 It may not sound like much, but it was a brilliant day. Just to be chilling out, and able to focus properly on A was great - we are often both so busy and caught up in our own lives, that it's easy to not talk properly for a day or so. He is very much into going out with his friends, and I am busy with my dissertation. So to spend the day, just the two of us, was great. We've decided that during the summer holidays we will try to set aside one day a week to do something similar - hopefully the weather will be good enough for us to go to the beach, and to Porchester Castle...

Today has been spent doing housework - one of the local cats seems to have taken a shine to one of mine (probably Molly cat) and has been hanging around, and even coming in the house. Not surprisingly my cats don't like this, and they have (sadly) responded by marking their territory ... ugh... so it took a bit of cleaning...which was nice. I should have been to physio today but I slept through my alarm...ooops..... fortunately they saw the funny side of it, and I've managed to re-arrange it for a couple of weeks time... I'm now tucked up in bed, feeling very tired and hoping for a decent night's sleep....

My dreams have been very unsettling over the last few nights, and although I have slept, I have also woken up frequently, and have been left with residual feelings of anxiety. Today my anxiety has been really bad - not sure whether this is a) due to pushing myself yesterday, b) my dreams, or c) ???? Yesterday was great, but there were a couple of times when my anxiety flared - e.g. when the bus couldn't get past a minor traffic accident, and A and I had to walk (in an area neither of us knew) to find another bus stop so that we could get to our destination... I coped but I did feel incredibly anxious. Then last night I had a dream that one of my friends had taken me in when I was homeless, before throwing me out...so totally unrealistic, because that person is just incredibly nice and would never do that, but as with all stupid dreams, it leaves its mark. On top of that I seem to have some really strong startle reflexes at the moment. Earlier on today my mobile went off and startled me - not so bad you might think, but my physiological reaction was insane - I felt as though I was in shock - shaky, nauseous, weak, shivery....I'm still feeling like that now, and this was hours ago... It's ridiculous, but it's becoming more common. I'm not in shock, or at least I shouldn't be...it was just my phone going off, but inside my body it's as if I am... The list of things I have to mention to the doctor is growing longer....

It occurs to me that I should assess where I am, one year on.... now really I should go back to that first post and see what I hoped to achieve, but as I mentioned earlier, I'm feeling lazy, so I'll just assess what I remember:

* Weight - not lost much but am still eating healthily and although I have eaten chocolate on several occasions, I am out of the habit of buying it when I go shopping, and I no longer feel the need to eat it all the time. I am also able to overcome the urge to pig out when I feel stressed.

* Exercise - problematic at the moment due to my knee and the fact that the physio exercises are causing a new pain when I do them... I did the Race for Life last year, and will do the 2013 one as well. I wasn't able to do the Great Manchester Run, but I am hoping that next year will be the year I get to do it.

* Life in general - A has made huge strides, and although he still has outbursts he is nowhere near as bad as he was last year. His behaviour is more 'normal teenager' now. I am still very anxious, and depressed, and I don't feel as though I am coping any better than I was. However I am still trying, and will continue to do so. I have had so much love and support from my family and friends, and I am more grateful to you all than I can ever put into words.

So, that's me right now....about to go and sleep and hopefully dream nice dreams..... Thanks for reading and for your support over the last year... please keep reading/supporting... thank you :)

A bad day

So, I was going to write a post about how things had been going. It was going to be fairly positive. And then today happened. Not just happened to me personally, happened to us all. So I'm going to just write. I need to do that. So many emotions right now and I need to work them out.

First of all, yes, things had been improving. I've managed to do a decent amount of Uni work and am almost ready to start writing the dissertation, all 15,000 words of it. A's behaviour had also improved. He's been kind and well behaved.

And then it went wrong.

First of all A didn't go to school today. I didn't make him. It was what they call "deep learning day" which is a fancy way of saying that they spend the whole day looking at one topic, so for example looking at Africa, but they do it via cookery, history, and other activities. Anyway, they stay in their tutor groups for the whole day. And that is why A didn't go in. There is one boy in his tutor group who torments him, provokes him, and basically hassles him every time he sees him. Normally it is not a problem as they don't have too many lessons together. But today it would have been all day. A has reacted (he shouldn't and he knows he shouldn't) and the school are well aware of this boy and his actions, and they don't always believe him when he tries to get A into trouble....But they've done little about it, other than to deal with each incident on an incident by incident basis. They've refused to remove this other boy from the class, even just for today. So I made a decision that if A didn't want to go in, I wasn't going to force him and have an argument with him about it. If it had been a normal day, an educational day, then I would have made him go in. But it wasn't. I'm sure people may disagree with my choice but I was honest with the school as to why he wasn't in. I've not heard anything from them, so not sure what they thought.

It wasn't too bad a day actually, until about 7pm when I realised that A was late back. He didn't appreciate me going to find him, and being cross with him and it all went wrong from then. For a while I thought we were heading back to the bad bad days; he was very upset, angry and shouting. He ended up storming out after saying some very hurtful things. I admit I did fall apart. I was torn between numbness and tears. Speaking to my mum did help, as did having a good cry. As it turned out, letting A walk out and calm down was the best thing to do. He did calm down. He did come back. And he is ok now. He has apologised, and we have been able to calmly discuss things.

There is another reason why today has been horrible: the killing of that poor young man in London. How his parents and family must be feeling right now, I can't imagine. I can't comprehend the mindset that could do something like this. I am sad and I am angry. I am sickened. It has hit hard. What has made it worse though, has been the way in which some sections of society have reacted. As I write this, the morons of the EDL are gathering in Woolwich, chanting and "protesting", attacking the police and trying to attack anyone who has skin which is slightly darker than their own. They are taking up the valuable time of the police, who really have better things to do right now than deal with a bunch of drug addicted, racists who, as A has just pointed out, "need to grow up and get a life"...out of the mouths of, well he's not a babe or infant, but you get the picture..... I cannot understand how people can hold a whole group responsible for the actions of a minority. I like living in a multicultural society, I like that we tolerate people, and allow them to worship freely. I am well aware that the not all countries are like that, and that some people have left those countries to come here, but I don't see that becoming more like those restrictive countries is a good thing. I am proud of the fact that we are, in general, a tolerant caring society. I am proud of the fact that people can worship who they want, can live their lives as they want (barring illegality of course), and that generally speaking we accept people freely. I don't want that to change. I don't want this murder, and it was an horrific, vile act, to cause us to lose that tolerance, to become what we despise in others.

Recently I have been trying to encourage myself to take steps out into the world again. Part of this has involved becoming more vocal on the internet - the theory being that if I can talk to people, and calmly defend my views, discuss things etc. without falling apart then as I gain confidence I will be more able to transfer this to the 'real world' and will be ready to look for a job again. One of the 'causes' I have become more involved in is that anti-fascist/racist groups on FB. Today this meant that I was confronted by the reality of the EDL/BNP as their members came to the anti groups to try and provoke us and to gloat...yes that's right gloat - they were salivating over the attack, they were happy when it was confirmed that the murderers were Muslim because it meant they could go and fight them, attack them, whatever. It makes me sick, but I am pleased that I was able to articulate my arguments calmly, and without falling apart or losing my temper. I do understand why there is so much anger out there. I just don't think that the actions of a minority represent the totality of a group. It upsets me to see discrimination, whether racial, religious, skin colour, gender, sexual orientation - whatever.... And I do react. I am going to try harder not to, to understand why people say the things they do and not to take things so personally. Small steps but I will get there in the end.

So, today has contained so much emotion. I am now exhausted. Before I sign off though, I just want to ask that everyone keep the family and friends of the man who was killed today in your thoughts... He is important. He should be remembered. Rest peacefully young man

one step forward, two steps back......

First of all I want to say thank you for the lovely comments after my last post. It really does cheer me up to read them, even if I have no idea how to actually react - am hopeless when someone is nice to me...I splutter and say 'thank you' but am always left feeling that what I've said is inadequate and that I should have a more polished way to receive nice comments. Ah well....

Anyway, as the title of this post suggests, things have been a bit mixed recently. On the upside, I've managed to sort and tidy both my bedroom and A's bedroom....it is so nice to be able to walk by his room and not be depressed at the state of it. Not to mention the fact that I've now got a full crockery cupboard and cutlery drawer, and I found an Easter egg (which we shared) behind his bed.... My room is also now nice and tidy and a more restful place. Although I am still having problems sleeping, at least that's happening in a tidy, clean room. I've also cracked on with my MA work and have (finally) completed the task of printing, sorting, labelling, and organising the primary source documentation. This means I can now start reading it, and taking notes. Then I'll just have the small (ha) task of writing 15,000 words....piece of cake...haha... In all seriousness though, this is a big step forward for me, and the fact that I've been able to do this, over several days, without stopping/giving up, is an achievement. I've been able to confront the amount of work I have to do, and rather than giving into the panic, I've managed to get it done. The panic is still there but (and I have no idea how) I have managed to carry on. I think it's partly because I love working with primary sources, and so the excitement about that has helped.

On the downside, my anxiety (particularly today) has been overwhelming. Once I had completed the organisation of primary sources I was intending to start reading, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't overcome the intense feelings of depression and anxiety and panic. I was feeling an overwhelming need to just go to bed. I tried to fight it, forcing myself to complete the organisation of my sources, but when I'd done that, and I tried to carry on and start reading, I couldn't concentrate....in the end I gave up and went to bed. I snuggled down with the cats, and read for a bit before sleeping. When I woke up I felt better. More able to cope. The overwhelming feeling of panic/depression has lessened and I'm hopeful that tomorrow I'll be able to crack on with reading/note taking. Fingers crossed. Part of the problem today was that my dreams last night, whilst not being nightmares, still somehow upset me. The issue with some of my dreams is that they are realistic enough to be scary, whilst not being traditional nightmares....so they're situations which could occur, where people act realistically, and where I experience panic as if it's a real life situation. The weird thing is that the events in my dreams aren't nasty ones, so I'll dream about a party, and about meeting up with people, and I should enjoy them - but for some reason, some dreams leave a feeling of fear behind which then means that I feel bad throughout the next day. Today was one of those days.

The above picture was shared by a friend on FB and it really rang bells with me. I spend time on here trying to describe how I feel, how it feels to be me. And I often feel as though I've failed. I can't seem to put it into words, without feeling as though I'm whinging. But this picture sums it up very well. The temptation to give up, to just stay in bed, to avoid people and places, is overwhelming at times. Even when I fight it, there is always a little voice inside which says "so what, you should be able to cope anyway"... it's exhausting. I think I've said that before, but it's so true. I'm determined not to give in. But it's hard. I've also had questions (not from friends) about my ability to do the MA, and then (hopefully) the Phd, given that I find it so hard to function at times. Which is a fair question. All I can say is that I love history, I love researching and writing, and for me the MA is something I can do, even if it's hard at times, and it gives me a reason not to just give in. It doesn't involve me interacting with strangers, and I have the freedom to take time away from it if I need to. I admit that I am worried about not being able to do the PhD (that is not being accepted/being able to afford it) because without it, I won't have anything to distract me, or to even vaguely keep me busy. Not that being a single mother doesn't keep me busy, but when A is at school, or at his dad's it is good for me to have something of my own to focus on...  A is definitely a reason not to give in, but when he is not here, there is enough time for me to sink again. So for me, the MA is a lifeline right now. Still.

Speaking of A, things have been good recently. He has been really well behaved at home, although still having some trouble at school. I've been so proud of him though because he has been able to focus on the good parts of school (drama, history, art etc.) rather than letting the bully spoil it for him. His teachers have helped as well, because they have been telling him when he does well, and emphasising his good work. His drama teacher told him that his performance was emotional, and that he was talented. We've also been able to spend time together, he's more willing to spend time with me which is nice, and we've made some plans for the half-term break. We're heading up to my parents for the last weekend, and there are is an open day at the Royal Marines museum which looks to be good. I'm very excited about seeing my parents, as well as my Nanna and other relatives...cannot wait actually....neither can A. Even at age 37 I still need a mummy cuddle every now and then ....

So, that's me for now. Stumbling on. Falling and getting up. Determined to win in the end. Even if I need to retire to my bed every so often.... ;)

Dull day........dull mood......................................

For the last week or so I have come to my blog every day, opened up a new post.....and then sat and stared at the screen, because I just don't know what to say, or rather, I don't know how to say what I want to say..... Inside I'm churning up with varied emotions - mainly anxiety, but worryingly I'm beginning to feel more anger; at myself, at various bureaucracies, and at life in general..... Today it has all come to a bit of a head, and so I have to write this post, I need to get this out, I need to vent (again) ...


Interestingly I had a doctors appointment today. I needed to get my medical certificate renewed (even though they're not paying me ESA at the moment, hopefully I will win the appeal, and they will have to backdate it - but if I don't have the cert, then they won't.) So anyway, the appointment went like this:

Doctor: How can I help you today
Me: I need my sick-note renewing for as long as possible please
Doctor: Ok *starts reading my notes on his computer*
*silence for a minute or two*
Doctor: *types something into computer, then printer starts doing its thing*
Doctor: Ok, I've given you 3 months. *signs certificate and hands it to me*
Me: Thank you
Doctor: No problem, take care

End of appointment!

Now, I had sat in the waiting room for 10 minutes beforehand, rehearsing in my head what I wanted to say to him. I was expecting to be questioned about my situation, and to have to discuss my options. But no, today I was in and out of there in less than 5 minutes, and he didn't ask me anything. I'm not sure I like that. I know I'm genuine but how did he know that? I like to think that I look relatively normal, i.e. that I'm not walking down the road shaking and obviously struggling - but maybe I'm kidding myself and it's totally obvious that I'm not coping. I don't know. But I do wish he'd asked me some questions, talked to me, something, anything, to show that I will continue to get the help I need. It wasn't as if he was running behind, and there was no one waiting to go in after me. I don't know. Maybe he was trying to be nice, not to ask questions of the lady who is scared of being outside her house....poor man, can't win.


I was going to vent. I really want to. I feel it inside me, churning away. But when it comes to writing the words down, I can't do it. I don't know what to say and where to start. I don't know how to vent without sounding like a whiney old cow. There are so many thoughts and feelings inside me, but when I try to sort them out, to write them down, I feel stupid. Instead I have found these pictures which pretty much say it all:

 

 

Please note I have long since given up wetting my pants in frustration... However I did buy a big bar of chocolate today. The first I have bought for myself in a year. It is (at the moment) unopened. I hope it stays that way. But I have a feeling it won't. There is simply too much in the way of sad news, and crappy news, around at the moment that I'm pretty sure my will-power will snap soon.

 

And on that cheerful note, I shall love you and leave you..... The cats are demanding food and attention.....