Dull day........dull mood......................................

For the last week or so I have come to my blog every day, opened up a new post.....and then sat and stared at the screen, because I just don't know what to say, or rather, I don't know how to say what I want to say..... Inside I'm churning up with varied emotions - mainly anxiety, but worryingly I'm beginning to feel more anger; at myself, at various bureaucracies, and at life in general..... Today it has all come to a bit of a head, and so I have to write this post, I need to get this out, I need to vent (again) ...


Interestingly I had a doctors appointment today. I needed to get my medical certificate renewed (even though they're not paying me ESA at the moment, hopefully I will win the appeal, and they will have to backdate it - but if I don't have the cert, then they won't.) So anyway, the appointment went like this:

Doctor: How can I help you today
Me: I need my sick-note renewing for as long as possible please
Doctor: Ok *starts reading my notes on his computer*
*silence for a minute or two*
Doctor: *types something into computer, then printer starts doing its thing*
Doctor: Ok, I've given you 3 months. *signs certificate and hands it to me*
Me: Thank you
Doctor: No problem, take care

End of appointment!

Now, I had sat in the waiting room for 10 minutes beforehand, rehearsing in my head what I wanted to say to him. I was expecting to be questioned about my situation, and to have to discuss my options. But no, today I was in and out of there in less than 5 minutes, and he didn't ask me anything. I'm not sure I like that. I know I'm genuine but how did he know that? I like to think that I look relatively normal, i.e. that I'm not walking down the road shaking and obviously struggling - but maybe I'm kidding myself and it's totally obvious that I'm not coping. I don't know. But I do wish he'd asked me some questions, talked to me, something, anything, to show that I will continue to get the help I need. It wasn't as if he was running behind, and there was no one waiting to go in after me. I don't know. Maybe he was trying to be nice, not to ask questions of the lady who is scared of being outside her house....poor man, can't win.


I was going to vent. I really want to. I feel it inside me, churning away. But when it comes to writing the words down, I can't do it. I don't know what to say and where to start. I don't know how to vent without sounding like a whiney old cow. There are so many thoughts and feelings inside me, but when I try to sort them out, to write them down, I feel stupid. Instead I have found these pictures which pretty much say it all:

 

 

Please note I have long since given up wetting my pants in frustration... However I did buy a big bar of chocolate today. The first I have bought for myself in a year. It is (at the moment) unopened. I hope it stays that way. But I have a feeling it won't. There is simply too much in the way of sad news, and crappy news, around at the moment that I'm pretty sure my will-power will snap soon.

 

And on that cheerful note, I shall love you and leave you..... The cats are demanding food and attention.....