Anyway, as the title of this post suggests, things have been a bit mixed recently. On the upside, I've managed to sort and tidy both my bedroom and A's bedroom....it is so nice to be able to walk by his room and not be depressed at the state of it. Not to mention the fact that I've now got a full crockery cupboard and cutlery drawer, and I found an Easter egg (which we shared) behind his bed.... My room is also now nice and tidy and a more restful place. Although I am still having problems sleeping, at least that's happening in a tidy, clean room. I've also cracked on with my MA work and have (finally) completed the task of printing, sorting, labelling, and organising the primary source documentation. This means I can now start reading it, and taking notes. Then I'll just have the small (ha) task of writing 15,000 words....piece of cake...haha... In all seriousness though, this is a big step forward for me, and the fact that I've been able to do this, over several days, without stopping/giving up, is an achievement. I've been able to confront the amount of work I have to do, and rather than giving into the panic, I've managed to get it done. The panic is still there but (and I have no idea how) I have managed to carry on. I think it's partly because I love working with primary sources, and so the excitement about that has helped.
On the downside, my anxiety (particularly today) has been overwhelming. Once I had completed the organisation of primary sources I was intending to start reading, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't overcome the intense feelings of depression and anxiety and panic. I was feeling an overwhelming need to just go to bed. I tried to fight it, forcing myself to complete the organisation of my sources, but when I'd done that, and I tried to carry on and start reading, I couldn't concentrate....in the end I gave up and went to bed. I snuggled down with the cats, and read for a bit before sleeping. When I woke up I felt better. More able to cope. The overwhelming feeling of panic/depression has lessened and I'm hopeful that tomorrow I'll be able to crack on with reading/note taking. Fingers crossed. Part of the problem today was that my dreams last night, whilst not being nightmares, still somehow upset me. The issue with some of my dreams is that they are realistic enough to be scary, whilst not being traditional nightmares....so they're situations which could occur, where people act realistically, and where I experience panic as if it's a real life situation. The weird thing is that the events in my dreams aren't nasty ones, so I'll dream about a party, and about meeting up with people, and I should enjoy them - but for some reason, some dreams leave a feeling of fear behind which then means that I feel bad throughout the next day. Today was one of those days.
The above picture was shared by a friend on FB and it really rang bells with me. I spend time on here trying to describe how I feel, how it feels to be me. And I often feel as though I've failed. I can't seem to put it into words, without feeling as though I'm whinging. But this picture sums it up very well. The temptation to give up, to just stay in bed, to avoid people and places, is overwhelming at times. Even when I fight it, there is always a little voice inside which says "so what, you should be able to cope anyway"... it's exhausting. I think I've said that before, but it's so true. I'm determined not to give in. But it's hard. I've also had questions (not from friends) about my ability to do the MA, and then (hopefully) the Phd, given that I find it so hard to function at times. Which is a fair question. All I can say is that I love history, I love researching and writing, and for me the MA is something I can do, even if it's hard at times, and it gives me a reason not to just give in. It doesn't involve me interacting with strangers, and I have the freedom to take time away from it if I need to. I admit that I am worried about not being able to do the PhD (that is not being accepted/being able to afford it) because without it, I won't have anything to distract me, or to even vaguely keep me busy. Not that being a single mother doesn't keep me busy, but when A is at school, or at his dad's it is good for me to have something of my own to focus on... A is definitely a reason not to give in, but when he is not here, there is enough time for me to sink again. So for me, the MA is a lifeline right now. Still.
Speaking of A, things have been good recently. He has been really well behaved at home, although still having some trouble at school. I've been so proud of him though because he has been able to focus on the good parts of school (drama, history, art etc.) rather than letting the bully spoil it for him. His teachers have helped as well, because they have been telling him when he does well, and emphasising his good work. His drama teacher told him that his performance was emotional, and that he was talented. We've also been able to spend time together, he's more willing to spend time with me which is nice, and we've made some plans for the half-term break. We're heading up to my parents for the last weekend, and there are is an open day at the Royal Marines museum which looks to be good. I'm very excited about seeing my parents, as well as my Nanna and other relatives...cannot wait actually....neither can A. Even at age 37 I still need a mummy cuddle every now and then ....
So, that's me for now. Stumbling on. Falling and getting up. Determined to win in the end. Even if I need to retire to my bed every so often.... ;)
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