DWP strikes again......

I'm finding it easier to leave gaps between entries now; not because things are necessarily better, but because there's a limit to how many times I can tell the same tale. I really don't want to bore you. Having said that, things are more settled (or at least they were) in that whilst I'm dealing with almost constant anxiety, it is at least, well, constant.....exhausting but level (in a weird kind of way). I seem to have plateaued, as it were, and whilst I'd rather have done so without the anxiety, at least the overwhelming ups and downs have calmed down. I have a constant, background (but high) level of anxiety accompanying me at the moment. Depression tends to strike at night, when I can't sleep, or to hover around me, whispering about how useless I am etc.. It's weird, because most of the time the anxiety blocks the depression - I'm so consumed with it that I don't hear the voice of depression. Not a cheerful state of affairs by any means but one which is at least conducive to getting work done; working enables me to silence ignore the anxiety to a degree and it counters the depression, because I can tell myself that I have achieved.

Since my last counselling appointment I haven't noticed any particular difference in how I'm feeling, which is a good thing (I think). I'm still waiting to hear from them regarding the specialist therapy, but I have had a letter from my counsellor to confirm that he is referring me. It is very weird to read the 'end of therapy' letters: "we discussed..... and we agreed....." They have a very formal way of reducing 8 sessions of me discussing things I've not told many people into one A4 page letter.

I have managed to get a fair amount of MA work done, and I am finding it a help. I can lose myself in reading (with the help of a magnifying glass), 19th century newspaper reports, and giggling at the pompous way in which people expressed themselves. I think it's safe to say that were a Victorian man to be transported to today, he would be overcome with a fit of the vapours, poor soul. Women voting and driving and being in charge of men - oh the horror..... I'm not sure whether these men really believed that, or whether they were just parroting the accepted views of the era.

Thursday saw me going to a book launch at our local Blackwells.... Four of my tutors had books coming out (some of them had 2, how greedy, lol) and it was so much fun to catch up with them and to see the fruits of their hard work. I remember one of them discussing his book with us when I was in my final year of undergraduate study, and now it's been released....I do feel inspired by them (which would probably make them laugh) because I know how hard it is to write an essay, or a dissertation, let alone a book. It's just a shame that, being academic books, they are so expensive. I took A with me, as he is starting to demonstrate a real love of history - that's my boy. He was very good, and although he didn't stay long, he certainly seemed to enjoy himself and was interested in the books.

Speaking of A, he is now as tall as me. This does not fill me with glee. He isn't even 14 yet, he can't overtake me. But he will... Sigh. He has been much calmer recently, with any outbursts of frustration being limited and he has been able to take a step back and not escalate things. I'm seeing his behaviour now as being far more related to 'normal' teenage issues, rather than his own behavioural problems. Having said that it is clear that those are still lurking beneath the surface, not surprisingly I guess. Interestingly he is far happier when he is 'regulated', particularly at school. By that I mean, he prefers to be on report, something which is usually a punishment. This entails him having a form signed by each teacher, who will add comments about his behaviour during the lesson. I think that seeing the positive remarks boosts him, and it gives him tangible proof to bring home to me (and his dad) regarding his behaviour in school. It hasn't stopped him reacting to provocation, in particular from one boy who is well known for this issue, but it has reduced the number of times that happens, and his smile and relaxed attitude when he comes home from school is lovely to see.

I saw a physiotherapist this week, about my knee. It was interesting. Apparently kneecaps move in a groove, and are held there (in balance) by the inner and outer thigh muscles. In my case the outer muscle is *much* tighter than the inner one, which is weak, and so my kneecap is being pulled to one side, causing pain. I have exercises to do and I'm hopeful that as the muscles strengthen I will be able to start proper exercising and to lose more weight. It is a catch-22 situation, my weight isn't helping, but to push through the pain would be the wrong thing to do, even if it did result in my weight dropping. So I have to be patient. I'm hopeful that if I follow the exercises and continue to build up slowly, in terms of how far I can walk etc., then I will be able to lose weight and my knee will continue to improve.

So, I guess you noticed the title of this entry, and I'd better enlighten you. Today, as I always do when I wake up, I checked my bank balance - to find that my ESA had not gone in. Interestingly my reaction was a kind of numbed acceptance. I'd half expected this to happen after I'd missed a second medical assessment appointment, due to not receiving the letter advising me about it, but I was hoping that they would accept that I'd not deliberately missed it. Sadly they obviously thought that I was lying and was too thick to think up a new reason, so just used the same one as I had before. Sigh. Even though I've rung ATOS and the DWP several times since the last notice of missed appointment came, which I don't think someone who was deliberately ignoring appointments would do. Anyway, when I checked the post (hadn't done so yesterday due to A and I being afflicted with a stomach bug) I found a p45 (yes they send you one of those when they stop benefits), a letter telling me that ESA was taxable but that I hadn't been paid enough to tax, and finally the letter telling me that the ESA was being stopped and why. Now normally my reaction to this would have been to dissolve into impotent anger but today I decided that I was going to appeal straight away. Luckily the forms were available online, and by 9am I'd printed them out, completed them and put them in an envelope ready to go. I'd also vented my anger by posting an inventive (well I thought it was) status on  Facebook as follows:

Dear DWP 'decision maker', here is my considered response to your most recent letter:
May the bites of a thousand (I was going to go for a million but I thought I'd show you some kindness, you know that thing you never show me) fleas bite you in places you are unable to scratch, may your broadband be cut off (or at least slowed down so much that you are driven slowly crazy) and may you too, one day, be subject to the decision of faceless bureaucrat who doesn't care that you have a child to feed....in the meantime, I hope your conscience (if indeed you have one, which I doubt) is pricking you sharply every moment of every day.

It made me laugh and it made me feel better and it was certainly better than going to the job-centre and punching someone, which was my second choice. In all seriousness though, it riles me that they can just blithely take money from children, because in effect that's what they've done. I have to feed A, and clothe him, and I can't do that without money. I am abiding by the rules of the benefit system and although I missed the appointments it was not through choice. Given that I'd advised them of the problems I have with my post, and requested that they contact me by phone or email, after the first missed appointment, it seems ridiculous that they can overlook that, and then penalise me for that. I have heard that some claimants who have had similar issues have discovered, at appeal (when you get a full copy of all the documentation related to your case), that the letters were never actually sent in the first place. I am suspicious that this is what has happened in my case, as normally if the post goes to the wrong house, it will be posted through my door shortly afterwards. We will see. I am calm, but angry - if that isn't too much of a contradiction. I'm not ranting and raving or sobbing and screaming, but I am angry and I am scared. I'm also tired, and so fed up. This keeps happening and I can't keep fighting. I know I've put the appeal in but I really don't want to have to fight them again. I will do. But I'm mad that I have to.

The upshot of all this is that I feel like withdrawing from the world a bit. I can cope with A, with my MA and with reading to distract myself, but situations where I'd previously have vented on Facebook and Twitter, I'm now just sighing to myself and moving on. Probably not a bad thing I guess. I'm trying to keep a balance between my on-going desire to block out the world, and the realisation that interaction is healthy and does help me. However my overwhelming exhaustion is making it hard at times, and I'm still fighting to 'live normally' every day. Onwards and upwards.

a bit of a break......................

Wow, didn't realise that I hadn't blogged for over two weeks....it wasn't deliberate, time (and my mood) just rather got away from me. Don't worry - I'm not going to update every little thing I've done since I last blogged (can't remember most of it anyway, lol)... to be honest I'm blogging now because I kinda feel as though I should - for me as well as to update people.... I've avoided it for the last couple of weeks because I've been on a downward trend and really just didn't want to be coming on here and being depressing and moaning... But now, I think I need to just write for a bit and see what comes out, and maybe it will help me feel better.

It's been the Easter holidays here, and so A has been off school (went back on Monday). It was nice to spend some time with him when both of us were well, and the holiday ended on a high note when we went to a friend's wedding last weekend. Now I do have to be honest and say that the fact that I didn't know anyone apart from the bride and groom, and my bestie C, did mean that my anxiety levels were at an all time high for the preceding week. It's hard to explain to people that you do want to go (except that you're scared to), and that you know it will be ok in the end, but right now you're panicking like crazy..... So on Saturday I was very nervous and a bit on edge. Being in the church was very hard - for some reason it really triggered my anxiety, and there were a couple of things which didn't help but I did cope (apart from one rather childish reaction to being told to put my camera away).... It was raining heavily when we left the church, and walking in high heels (which I don't find easy anyway) along narrow, sloping pavements, in the torrential rain was *not* fun... I love C so much, she went ahead and got the car and came back to get me. She rocks.... Anyway, from then on I did manage to relax and in the end had an amazing time. I was so proud of A, he behaved brilliantly and M and L's kids really took to him. He was looking after them, and playing with them and generally having a great time. So all in all it was a great day, and although I was pretty sure that I would enjoy myself, it was nice to be proved right.... also, they had one of these.....

Oh yes.... a chocolate fountain, and let me tell you - mini doughnuts covered in chocolate are DELICIOUS.....not that I had too many...just a few....enough to confirm my theory that they would be yummy....I didn't stick my head in the fountain a la Vicar of Dibley (although one of the bridesmaids apparently did, lol).....

I did feel good about the fact that I coped, and that I had such a good time....I know it probably sounds ridiculous and egotistical, but going into a situation where I didn't know many people was very difficult. My counsellor asked me if I felt I had to go, and I said only to the extent that I was making myself go...because I wanted to really, and because I knew that not going would be the wrong decision and would hurt people (including me). It's hard to say that you struggle with events like this because I worry that people will think I don't want to attend their special day, when I really do - I just struggle... I go because I care about people, and I don't want to let them down, but also because I do want to be there and I'm determined not to let this stupid illness take anything more from me. So please, invite me to things and I will do my utmost to be there - but if I don't come then it's never personal...I promise... Sometimes, no matter how hard I fight, the anxiety overwhelms me.

Speaking of which, I had my last counselling appointment today. I'm now being referred for more specialist help because clearly I need it. I was initially referred for issues regarding coping with A, and his behaviour, but as time has passed it has become clear that I now have strategies to cope with that, and with day to day life, but that my anxiety (and linked depression) is as bad, if not worse, as it was at the start. So my counsellor feels that I need to go and see someone who is trained specifically to deal with these issues. I think it's a good idea, and I just hope that I don't have to wait too long. I am concerned because there is a good chance that this will involve some sort of group work, something which makes me feel nauseous with anxiety, but I've been assured that a) they will know of my fears and b) I won't be the only one who feels that way, and the counsellors will be ready to help. He made it clear that I didn't have to take this route, but as I said to him - I have to try everything. Right now, I'm struggling so much every single day and it can't go on. I have to force myself to leave the house and I love it when I get home again. I'm trying so hard not to give in, and to make sure that I leave the house at least every other day, if not every day...because I'm scared that if I give in, then I'll end up never leaving the house. But it's hard. Very very hard.

So that's where I am right now. Anxious. Depressed (by being anxious). Frustrated (by the previous two). But determined to keep going. It's a constant internal fight, making myself carry on....I really just want to give in, and hide, not go out, not talk, not deal with anything....but that's not practical is it? So on we go.... Thank you for being here for me, it is appreciated more than you will ever know

blah.....meh......pfffft.........and a teeny bit of a rant....

**DISCLAIMER: Generally speaking when I say 'you' within this post, I am speaking generically, however it may be that some who are reading this will recognise certain statements - for that I am not sorry, you said it, you own it and if it's as reasonable a view as you think it is then you've got nothing to be ashamed of, right?.....at least I've not named you**

Yeah it's been a bit like that these last couple of weeks.....First of all I was poorly, then (just as I was feeling better), A developed some nasty stomach problems and couldn't go to school.... I'm not sure whether it is just this bout of illness which has led to my feeling so meh about everything, or whether it's my underlying issues rearing their ugly heads again.....probably a combination of the two...meh.... I know it's a bit childish but that really is the way I'm feeling right now. Today particularly I have been fighting a constant feeling of anxiety, almost panic, and it's been an enormous effort just to stay out of bed....I really just wanted to go and get into bed and just not interact with the world today. Don't think that it was any kind of success that I stayed up, after all I merely stayed on the sofa, surfing the 'net and talking to the cats....but I guess at least A didn't have to witness me failing at life, and frankly it was only because I have him with me that I didn't just go back to bed.

I'm alternating between being angry at the world, and being ambivalent about it...I don't quite know why this is happening and whatever I do (exercise, reading, Uni work, being with A, chatting with friends) nothing actually takes that feeling away, it's just there, lurking... I think that part of the reason I'm feeling like this is because right now, here in the UK, the government is enacting some pretty brutal cuts aimed at people like me....and so whenever I surface and interact with the world, I'm faced with this horrible fact. Either I see people celebrating that 'scroungers' (because yeah *all* benefit recipients are scrounging >>sarcasm<<) are being 'punished'....or I see the other side, the reality of the situation - with people losing their homes, their ability to feed their kids (as someone said to me "why should taxpayers pay for their kids"....uh maybe because it's the humane, kind, generous thing to do....and because leaving kids to starve (even if their parents are feckless - and that's a big IF, and a dangerous, vile generalisation) is just plain WRONG) and even their lives.... It really is very hard to accept...that we live in a country which would rather dump on those who have little, than ask those who have masses to contribute a fraction more....

I don't get this logic that says we can't tax the rich more because it's wrong, but we can take from the middle-class and from the poor because....well funny I never actually get a because to that....unless it's the accusation of jealousy and/or the tired and ridiculous argument that we can't tax them 'cos they're the job-creators and if we tax them then they won't create jobs....uh yeah, cos that whole 'job creation' thing is working so well right now....sigh..... Fact is if you live in a country, you're part of that society and you have a duty to help out other members of that society. If you don't want to do that then go and live on an island and provide for yourself; for one thing, you never know when it may be you who needs the help of the welfare state.......Avoiding taxes is not clever, it's selfish...it's saying that your need to have a few more £'s is more important than anything else. I'm talking here about the billionaires (even millionaires) and the corporations, those who can well afford to pay more but who use their riches to avoid even paying the basics.... They utilise society and its infrastructure (roads, hospitals etc.) but they don't want to pay for it. They claim that if we don't tax them, the wealth will trickle down, but then they store their money off-shore and little if any of it comes back into the country. Fact is that people who are comfortable and even poor, are more likely to put money back into the country because they buy goods, they don't hold onto their money - they spend it.... But instead of trying to help these people out, the government is raising their burden....and then, just to put the sewage on top of the poop cake (sorry mum), they've managed to convince them that the blame should be placed on those who have even less than they do....

I think this is one of the hardest things right now, as I think I've said before, having to see people who I consider friends (and who are family in some cases) happy to condemn and slate those who are unemployed, or single parents; anyone who is on benefits basically..... It actually physically hurts me to read some of their comments at times....Times are hard for everyone right now. I know that. But why why why do you have to accept the media/gov't spiel that it's all the fault of people who (for whatever reason) are claiming benefits...Sometimes it seems as though people are jealous, as if they think that those of us on benefits are somehow living a utopian dream where we have everything we want and are just living the high life on everyone else's money.....ha...if you really think that then feel free to swap places with me....then you too can decide between whether you eat or A eats, whether you buy food or pay the bills.....and I've got it better than most, I have a guaranteed roof over my head - not all my friends do. If you're jealous of people on benefits then may I suggest you hand over your job to one of them, and start claiming - I give it a week before you're screaming for your job back.....yeah we don't get up and go to work but trust me, we'd much rather do that, than be in this position..... Oh and don't even mention all those who 'can't be bothered to work' - yeah the 0.01% of those claiming who are fraudulent....because obviously they represent all of us... sigh.... Please please research, don't just take what the papers say, or the BBC/ITV/Channel 4 - research, look, you can find more accurate information and you may just realise that you're being misled *cough* lied to *cough*.....

Which brings me onto the next thing which is making life very hard right now - being on benefits because I'm sick, and (ding ding ding bonus) an illness which can't be seen..... Not to mention the fact that I'm overweight - whoo boy I am just racking up those points on the 'look at the lazy scrounging bitch' board aren't I? Yay me.. Ok here it is: I am ill. Yes I really am. I am not faking it, I am not making it up so that I can 'get out of working' (yes, I have had someone say that to me), I am not lying, and I am most definitely not enjoying it. I take some very powerful drugs every day, just to enable me to function and get through the day (and sometimes that doesn't work). Even with those drugs I still struggle. Even with the counselling (which has helped) I still struggle. Every single day it is an effort to get up, not because I'm lazy, but because for whatever reason my brain chemistry is such that I cannot cope with things everyone else takes for granted. And guess what I'D MUCH RATHER BE ABLE TO COPE!!!!!!!! Funnily enough having constant panic attacks, not wanting to leave the house, being unable to talk to people at times, feeling like I'm a failure, hating myself etc. etc. is NOT FUN....again, if I could, I'd swap with some of those who criticise me (and those like me) - I bet, 24 hours in my mind and they'd be begging to swap back again..... I wish I could 'fix' myself, I really do. And I know that I'll never convince some people that I can't, but it's true. It is exhausting being me. If I push myself, i.e. leaving the house, then it is a minefield of potential triggers: e.g. people who I don't know trying to talk to me - now that's not a bad thing in general but for me it is scary, and it is hard because I want to be polite but inside I'm screaming 'leave me alone'....then if I don't leave the house, I get to beat myself up for being a failure....

And the weight thing - it's been nearly a year since I started this blog and stopped pigging on chocolate - now sadly I've not made it through the Easter period without a binge but it was a small one and frankly I'm working on not beating myself up at the moment so I think I'll just move on.... I have tried very hard to lose weight this year, I have cut out certain foods, eaten smaller portions and generally improved my relationship with food. I used to use it as a crutch, or a medication in relation to my depression and anxiety - now I don't. And I think I'm right to be pleased about that. Yes I ate a couple of Easter eggs but I didn't (and don't) feel the need now to rush out and buy a load more or even to stock up on chocolate in general - and that is progress.... However, my weight has not gone down as much as I'd hoped - and that is probably because I've not managed to exercise as much as I wanted to or hoped to.....and *that* is because my right knee is still hugely problematic. I'm hoping to get an appointment for physio soon....but in the meantime walking, and cycling, are painful.. I still do them - I walk at least 30 mins every day - even if I don't leave the house, I will make sure I walk round (circuits) so that I'm up and exercising....but the end result is pain.....a burning stabbing pain in the inner (left) side of my knee....on Thursday I walked into the local shopping centre, not far from where I live, and the pain was so bad I was in tears.... It seems to be a bit catch 22 right now - I need to lose weight to help my knee but I can't exercise because of my knee ........ fingers crossed that phyiso will be available and will help because I'm close to just giving up.

So, I think I've covered the whole 'anger' part - what about apathy? Well that comes when it all gets too much and I just withdraw from everything.....I can't do that too much ,especially when I have A, so I'm definitely a lot more angry recently. When I really just don't want to deal with the everyday reality of being part of a despised section of society, of being loathed by people who don't know me, and of being told by those who do 'but of course we don't mean you' - except that yes, actually you do...you can't single me out, I'm the same as those you condemn, and the problem is your condemnation of the whole group, not of me as an individual. Apathy comes when I just want to shut it all out. I will read, watch telly, surf  'harmless' websites (i.e. not those which force me to face reality) and generally don't want to talk to anyone....

I don't like being this angry and I will be speaking with my counsellor about it - I had to miss my last session as A was poorly - but it seems to be my default position at the moment. I recognise my short fuse - it's partly why I've not blogged for so long, and I know that I need to keep control because I'm close to losing it....but holding it in just made me feel worse, and so here it is - all vented out and yes, I do feel a bit better....because now I've said it and I'm not just letting it fester inside me, worrying over it, and feeling like the lowest of the low. It may not change anything but maybe it will make people think. Feel free to share this, let's put some flesh on the bones (haha) of the stereotypical person on benefits.... I know that so many of you do care, and aren't judging me, and for that I am so grateful - you guys are part of why I'm able to keep going.....this vent isn't aimed at anyone in particular, it's just a vent, prompted by what I've seen and read recently.  I'm not perfect, I don't pretend to be...but it's seemingly very easy right now for people to see what they want to see, and to judge, and all I'm saying is please look beyond the one dimensional view....you never know when it may be you in need of help... Instead of letting the bad times push us apart as a society, why don't we work together. Clearly we're not all in this together, that's a ridiculous fallacy, but we certainly can be more together, more willing to care, more willing to stand up when things are wrong, instead of accepting the 'justifications' for mistreatment, more willing to accept that we're all human and that some need help now, and more willing to push back against things which are wrong. I know I need to be more like that, less angry and more active about challenging things.... Yes I am angry, but I'd much rather not be.... Things are crap right now, for many of us..... If I can help you, then ask.... in the meantime, thank you for reading this..... you guys rock :)