It's been the Easter holidays here, and so A has been off school (went back on Monday). It was nice to spend some time with him when both of us were well, and the holiday ended on a high note when we went to a friend's wedding last weekend. Now I do have to be honest and say that the fact that I didn't know anyone apart from the bride and groom, and my bestie C, did mean that my anxiety levels were at an all time high for the preceding week. It's hard to explain to people that you do want to go (except that you're scared to), and that you know it will be ok in the end, but right now you're panicking like crazy..... So on Saturday I was very nervous and a bit on edge. Being in the church was very hard - for some reason it really triggered my anxiety, and there were a couple of things which didn't help but I did cope (apart from one rather childish reaction to being told to put my camera away).... It was raining heavily when we left the church, and walking in high heels (which I don't find easy anyway) along narrow, sloping pavements, in the torrential rain was *not* fun... I love C so much, she went ahead and got the car and came back to get me. She rocks.... Anyway, from then on I did manage to relax and in the end had an amazing time. I was so proud of A, he behaved brilliantly and M and L's kids really took to him. He was looking after them, and playing with them and generally having a great time. So all in all it was a great day, and although I was pretty sure that I would enjoy myself, it was nice to be proved right.... also, they had one of these.....
Oh yes.... a chocolate fountain, and let me tell you - mini doughnuts covered in chocolate are DELICIOUS.....not that I had too many...just a few....enough to confirm my theory that they would be yummy....I didn't stick my head in the fountain a la Vicar of Dibley (although one of the bridesmaids apparently did, lol).....
I did feel good about the fact that I coped, and that I had such a good time....I know it probably sounds ridiculous and egotistical, but going into a situation where I didn't know many people was very difficult. My counsellor asked me if I felt I had to go, and I said only to the extent that I was making myself go...because I wanted to really, and because I knew that not going would be the wrong decision and would hurt people (including me). It's hard to say that you struggle with events like this because I worry that people will think I don't want to attend their special day, when I really do - I just struggle... I go because I care about people, and I don't want to let them down, but also because I do want to be there and I'm determined not to let this stupid illness take anything more from me. So please, invite me to things and I will do my utmost to be there - but if I don't come then it's never personal...I promise... Sometimes, no matter how hard I fight, the anxiety overwhelms me.
Speaking of which, I had my last counselling appointment today. I'm now being referred for more specialist help because clearly I need it. I was initially referred for issues regarding coping with A, and his behaviour, but as time has passed it has become clear that I now have strategies to cope with that, and with day to day life, but that my anxiety (and linked depression) is as bad, if not worse, as it was at the start. So my counsellor feels that I need to go and see someone who is trained specifically to deal with these issues. I think it's a good idea, and I just hope that I don't have to wait too long. I am concerned because there is a good chance that this will involve some sort of group work, something which makes me feel nauseous with anxiety, but I've been assured that a) they will know of my fears and b) I won't be the only one who feels that way, and the counsellors will be ready to help. He made it clear that I didn't have to take this route, but as I said to him - I have to try everything. Right now, I'm struggling so much every single day and it can't go on. I have to force myself to leave the house and I love it when I get home again. I'm trying so hard not to give in, and to make sure that I leave the house at least every other day, if not every day...because I'm scared that if I give in, then I'll end up never leaving the house. But it's hard. Very very hard.
So that's where I am right now. Anxious. Depressed (by being anxious). Frustrated (by the previous two). But determined to keep going. It's a constant internal fight, making myself carry on....I really just want to give in, and hide, not go out, not talk, not deal with anything....but that's not practical is it? So on we go.... Thank you for being here for me, it is appreciated more than you will ever know
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