Good friends, good times

Sorry for the gap between posts, I've been busy enjoying myself.... I know, I know, how could I etc. etc.... Well you know it's a tough job, but someone has to do it....

In all seriousness, the last few days have been lovely.... A went to his dad's on Sunday, which meant that I could finally tidy the house and have it stay clean...not that I did...tidy the house I mean....well, that would have involved doing work and it was a bank holiday...as I told my mum earlier, I'm pretty sure that there's a law which says that doing housework on a bank holiday is not allowed...lol.... So Monday was spent watching it rain (again, there's a law that it has to rain on a bank holiday), and reading....the cats and I spent a nice, lazy day enjoying bank holiday telly and generally being sedentary....ahhh bliss.. ;-)

However yesterday, I was up and raring to go,...despite having only had 5 hours sleep - just one of those nights when even though I was tired, I just couldn't sleep... Anyway, lazy morning (are you noticing the theme here? Lol)...but then in the afternoon I headed off to Southampton to see my lovely friend R and her girls, as well as G (who, like R and I, is a member of Jack's Army).. I love going to R's house...I feel so at home there, always have done, right from the first time I walked in there. I can just relax, and chill out, with fab company...it's brilliant....oh, and they have a cat (black tom cat who is so friendly and gorgeous, so I don't miss my li'l ones too much).... After a lovely home-made lasagne, we sat and watched The Lovely Bones and History Boys... Never seen The LB before, but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would....yes it's weird, but it's actually kinda lovely...not going to spoil it for those who haven't seen it, but I did nearly cry (would have, if I'd watched it on my own), and I'd watch it again.... The HB I loved, despite only half watching it, due to chatting....am def going to get my own copy... It was just so nice to be spending time with friends, catching up...in fact R and I were sat catching up till 1:30am...oops..... did I mention the lack of sleep the night before? Yeah, so that happened again ;-) But it was worth it...so nice to just be able to talk and work through things....

So, this morning I was up and ready to leave by 9am and as a treat I allowed myself a bacon roll from the cafe at Southampton station....and in related news, for the first time in a LONG time, when the server made small talk, I didn't clam up, I chatted with him....and considering it was a him, that was doubly amazing....woohoo... I did feel good... may seem like a small thing, but up till now, making small talk with strangers has been hugely scary and problematic...so I'm pleased.... My next stop was to meet K, who was my politics tutor when I did the Access course (5 years since I started that, wow)....we've stayed in tough, and she's starting the MA soon - my influence... mwahahahahahahaha... (that was an evil laugh, by the way)... It's always good to see her, and especially today, as it was a long overdue catch up..... So, by the time I actually made it home, it was nearly 1:30pm....

The cats were, of course, ecstatic to see me...although I fear that really they just thought I was going to feed them - I'd left them a bowl of tinned food (all gone) and a huge bowl of dried food (hardly touched) so I felt ok in ignoring their greedy pleas....they soon calmed down.... and I spent a pleasant afternoon carrying out a detailed, two hour long inspection of the insides of my eyelids....I'm happy to report that there are no holes in said eyelids...which is nice :D

One mammoth, 90 min phone call with my mum this evening and I was all caught up with things....ahhh I love talking to my mum....all in all, it's been a good couple of days.... I'm feeling relaxed...finally.... Tomorrow I'm heading to J's to see her and the family - again, a long overdue catch up...and then A will be home on Friday. He goes back to school next Tuesday, so I'm hoping the weather will be nice, so that we can fit in another bike ride or two before then....

I'm trying not to worry too much about him going back to school, because, well, there's no point. I'm going to try to ring his head of year, and will email her if I can't get hold of her, to make sure that the issue over the removal of his support can and will be rectified....As I said to my mum, I'm going to be a squeaky wheel re this whole business....going to make a fuss (politely) and not go away until it's sorted...so the next couple of week will probably see my phone bill going up...but it has to be done... Fingers crossed, the school will realise that it needs to be sorted, and will do so with the minimum of fuss...

I was pleasantly surprised when R told me that I'd clearly lost weight, that it was noticeable....this is good, because I know I've come close to snacking too much recently... I'm making a real effort to stay away from the fridge and to be strong, drinking water, having an apple instead...but I've developed a craving for strawberry hubba-bubba gum - not sure how good for me that is, but the taste helps me forget eating a snack, at night.... will have to monitor that tho.....

Right, I need to stop typing now....the cats are glaring at me - not food this time, they want fussing....I must go and attend to them...lol.... :D

Bits and bobs

It's not that I don't want to blog.....it's just that sometimes, I get to the end of the day (which is when I normally blog) and it's all a bit too much.... I have all these thoughts in my head, and I don't know where to start.... Too much or too little information??? It's a dilemma..... There is also the fact that A point blank refuses to go to bed before I do....as I write this it's 00:05 and he's sat on the swirly chair, with Molly-cat, watching Road Wars.... Now I could try and make him go to bed, but frankly I've got better things to do than fight with him at this time of night...especially as I'll be going to bed once I've written this, he will go as well, and as it's the holidays, we don't have to be up early tomorrow (not to mention that it's Saturday..lol).. I know, I know...bad mum, I should make him go - and I would...but I'm learning to pick my battles... Fighting and battling to get him into bed at a 'decent' hour is not something I enjoy at the best of times, and so I'll only do it when it's absolutely necessary...i.e. when he has school the next day....  Right now, he's happily watching telly, yawning every so often and (more to the point) he's CALM...and that is what matters....

This week has been a much more settled and enjoyable week. A's dad has had the week off work, and so A has seen him every day. This is a good thing..in so many ways. Not only is the pressure taken off me, but A and P are having fun which means that A is happy. He loves his dad so much, and it's been hard for him to see him upset over the breakup with J. Being able to have time doing 'man' things (fixing the car) has done wonders for A's self esteem and it's helped me as well. I've been able to relax, and to get things done without A following me around. See, this is the thing with him at the moment, he's able to go and amuse himself, listening to music in his room - but he has to check on me every so often, regularly. If his dad is not around, then A wants to know where I am, and to be able to demand my attention when he thinks it's needed. If I don't respond as he thinks I should, then he will get angry and upset. At times I'm baffled, because he will claim that I've been rude to him, used the 'wrong' tone of voice, when I've actually no idea that I'd done so...I'll begin to doubt myself at times, he's that vehement about it. So yeah, having his dad around has helped. It's quite funny really, P and I began as friends, and I'd say we're as close to being friends again as we're ever going to be...but it's nice...we have a history, and we have a child together and I'd far rather be friends than hate each other...  He's taking A up to visit his parents next week, something A is very excited about as grandparents can always be counted upon to make bacon sandwiches, dish out 'extra' pocket money and generally spoil him as only a grandparent can.... I look forward to receiving back one over excited, over baconed (is that a word?), child who is richer than I am....lol

A and I went for a bike ride yesterday.....it was fun.... We were silly, and giggled and went 'wheeeeeeee' whenever we went down anything which vaguely resembled a hill (we got some strange looks as we went over a bridge in Hilsea but we didn't care...)....then we had to wrestle my bike through a kissing gate...ummm yeah, that was interesting...but we made it....and it was good....we laughed at each other, and for once there was no angst or fighting....a rare peace which I enjoyed....

I'm enjoying myself, plowing through a pile of library books and generally chilling out.. Housework has to be done (it's amazing how quickly the house gets messy with a 12 year old in residence), but the books are always there waiting for me.... A likes to know what I'm reading, and at times I can discuss it with him...he's taken to reading comic books, and my favourite times are when we're both curled up on the sofa, with the telly off, the cats snoozing, and we're both reading a book..it's peaceful and calm and there's not been enough of that recently....

I'd love to say that things are all sorted, and that we're ok...but I know that, although things are better, they're not solved. Outbursts still occur, and my anxiety is still there... However, I'm grateful for the improvements and the peaceful times....and I'm trying not to worry about what may happen once school starts again....

Now, you may remember that I mentioned a little boy called Mitchell Huth a few weeks ago...at that time his parents, and supporters, thought that Mitchell would be earning his angel wings imminently...however Mitchell surprised everybody, including the doctors, and has been spending precious time with his family over the last few weeks....sadly, and despite everyone's hopes, it seems that this time is now coming to an end, and that Mitchell does not have long to live....I can't imagine what his parents are going through, and it's heartbreaking that another little life is being lost to that horrible disease, cancer.... Please hold Mitchell, his parents, family, friends and supporters in your thoughts....

It doesn't end there though, as I've been following the story of Wash and Tashi (www.savewash.com)... Tashi is amazing, she cares for Wash and I can't imagine how heartbreaking and difficult it is for her.....sometimes reading her blog reduces me to tears, and I'm in awe of her (and Wash) because I don't know if I could deal with something so crappy, with as much grace and dignity as they have.....if you can spare a moment to read the blog (http://washandtashi.blogspot.co.uk/) or visit the website (as above) then please do so.... I so wish that I lived closer (yeah, they live in the USA), so that I could go and be there for them...since I can't, I resort to words on FB...which seem kinda useless under the circumstances, but which are all I have so I keep on doing it....

And finally, I'd like to talk about Kin, who is the daughter of a FB friend. Kin has ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) and is currently in hospital with some horrible, worrying symptoms...so far this has been put down to toxicity from the chemo drugs (can you imagine what that does to a parent, hearing those words...I don't know how B does it, she's a mama bear for her daughter)...but there's still concern... I read the words B puts on FB, and my heart breaks for her...Kin is A's age....she's a gorgeous, almost teen who should be worrying about boys and clothes and all that stuff, not having to have toxic drugs infused into her in order to save her life....ugh I hate cancer so much.... it makes me all sweary and stabby....especially when kids are involved... I also feel for B, so much....as a parent you'd do anything to take your kids pain away, and when you can't, when you're their only advocate and yet there's nothing you can do...oh how horrible that is...so again, I ask, please hold B and Kin in your thoughts....

There's a reason why I've mentioned all these people; it's because I know I can get so caught up in what's wrong with me, with A, with everything concerning us..and it doesn't hurt to be reminded that I'm not the centre of the world... (I know, shocking isn't it)... All of these people, in their own way, have helped me....despite their own pain... I've been so fortunate in the friends I've made, both on FB and IRL... Sometimes, it's good to just stop, and take stock, to realise the good things we have....before marching on and kicking butt on all the crap in our lives....

ok, enough from me now.. I need to go and sleep....

Life is a rollercoaster............

It really is..... It will be lovely when I eventually manage to have time on an even keel....but that doesn't look like it will happen any time soon. It's knackering though, all this emotion....and I'm getting a tad fed up of it....which is why I've not blogged the last few days....the thought of having to marshal my thoughts and write them down coherently, was not attractive... And yet, it's not actually been that bad a time...in that there have been no major incidents....but for some reason at the moment, I'm just in that 'blah' mode.... sigh

Sunday was spent lazing with the cats, although they're far better at it than I am..lol... A was with his dad, and so I was able to relax, if only for a little while.... Yesterday I had to go in and out of town twice, poor planning on my part but at least it meant that I got plenty of exercise... Signing on was ok, although there's still no sign of them making a decision about my JSA.... and then in the afternoon I had to to the work program place, which wasn't too bad....they did another 'better off calculation', and as I thought (unsurprisingly) I will be better off when I get a job....it's just the finding of a job which is proving problematic.... I need something so specific at the moment, because of A. He can't be left on his own yet, and since his dad and J split up, there's nowhere for him to go after school....so I need something which is school hours only...and those jobs are like gold dust. So we shall see what happens now. I'm not as stressed about it as I was, because I've realised that there's nothing more I can do...I'm sure the stress will return, but for now I'm glad it's not here...one less bit of stress is a good thing....

Last night, for example, reminded me why it is easier when A is at his dads..... It took a lot of persistence to get him upstairs at bed time, he clearly wanted to sleep on the sofa, but (although I don't mind if he falls asleep on there) I wasn't going to let him just stay up and watch telly - which is what I thought would happen...Anyway, I got him up and into his room, at which point he decided that it smelt...now I couldn't smell a thing, but I opened the window and sprayed febreze on various things....but that wasn't good enough...I think that he wanted to go and lay on the sofa and watch telly, but I wasn't going to let him....so I had to persist, through all the anger and name calling, until in the end he agreed to go and try to sleep in his bed and if he wasn't asleep in 20 mins then we'd think again...the first few times he set his alarm, and then came in saying he couldn't sleep but in the end he agreed not to do that...and lo and behold he fell asleep...woohoo....in fact he stayed asleep until gone midday today.... oh yes....

However, he's still very grumpy and it's been an effort not to lose my cool with him tonight. It's so hard, when he denies that something has occurred, when I know for a fact it has....I just have to ignore him, and hope that he will distract himself....

As for me, I'm feeling (as I said earlier) rather blah....not really down, and not really bad...just blah... I'm having fun but when I'm not occupied, then I find myself feeling lousy and with thoughts going round and round in my head....also, even the slightest problem with A is making me feel bad, useless and depressed... Yet I am able to almost talk myself out of it, and to distract myself (reading, telly, internet) fairly easily...hence my first statement about it being a rollercoaster....there's no consistency and it's exhausting being so blah and having to make such an effort not to be...argh...sorry, I'll stop moaning now....

Not sure what the plans are for the rest of the week...depends on the weather I guess...am hoping to be able to get out with A (fingers crossed) ...

On the old weight loss front, things have been tougher.. I've had a few treats over the last few weeks, and due to feeling bloated, I've also felt a bit crappy in terms of losing weight...however, my ball gown arrived last week and it fits...so that cheered me up....and I keep reminding myself that I'm exercising and eating sensibly and that anything good will take time, that it's better for it to take longer than to lose too quickly.... Again, I think that as time passes, the initial losses smooth out, and so it's harder to see results and then it gets a bit disheartening...so I'm just trying to stay calm and not give up... I did find myself slipping into the 'snacking' habit, so I've had to stop and make sure I don't do that.... it's so easy to do, especially when times are tough....

Right, I'm off to fuss a cat or four... :)

It's been emotional......

First of all, many apologies for the irate rant which was my last entry.....a combination of fear, lack of medication and stress seems to have made me a little, uh, emotional....sorry about that.... The last few days have been very difficult, and have emphasised to me just how effective my medication actually is. After 4 days without it, I was shaky, nauseous, twitchy, had palpitations and what the doctors call 'brain lightning' [very hard to explain, it's a jolt which is internal and starts in the head...not painful as such, but very unpleasant], as well as being hugely emotional and feeling as though my blood was 'thrumming' in my veins..yeah, not at all fun.... Thankfully, when I rang the surgery on Friday, ready to do battle (and able to go to an appointment as A was with his dad), the nice lady I spoke to (not same one as I'd spoken to before) said that a months supply had been done, but that I'd need an appointment in the next couple of weeks....so so relieved, and the appointment has been made. It's not with my regular doctor, and I'm not happy about it, but it has to be done and I never want to go through those last few days again...wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.... So I have my pills again, and even having only taken 2 doses, I can feel the effects - I feel much calmer, my palpitations aren't as bad, and I feel reasonably rational again...which is nice...

In other news, the Uni have backed down somewhat, and reduced the charge for me to do the dissertation next year, to £96. Of course I don't want to pay anything but at least this is relatively affordable. I'm feeling a lot better about it now. I know I've made the right decision. I didn't realise just how close to cracking I was, and completing the dissertation in these circumstances was just not possible. I'm enjoying the freedom to just read for pleasure, and to spend time with A. I do still feel the pressure and urge to work on my dissertation, that hasn't gone, and neither has my 'want' to do it, but I'm reminding myself that I have time and that I need this break....I love my MA, and I want to do my best, and for me this is the way to do it.

A is still behaving appallingly at times. It's still incredibly difficult to deal with, and I've (guiltily) enjoyed the last couple of days when he has been with his dad. I love him, and I do miss him, but oh the pleasure of not having to be on edge all the time. A's behaviour may be 'normal', in the sense that it is what teenagers do...but it's the extent and extreme nature of it which is so hard to deal with. It's not normal behaviour. It's obsessive, and extreme....he does not seem to have an off switch at times, and there is no reasoning with him.

I've just finished reading a book called Life at the Edge and Beyond, by Jan Greenman... I recommend it for anyone who wants to understand what A is like, and what we go through trying to deal with him. Jan's son Luke is [and I hesitate to use this word, because it sounds like I'm being critical and I'm not], worse than A...he started younger, and demonstrates more behavioural traits than A does...BUT, when I was reading it, it was like reading about A....the obsessive behaviour, the sheer lack of appreciation for consequences of his behaviour, the violence, the swearing and insults, the hatred of school (although the way Luke's school treated him made my blood run cold - yes I can see A in that situation, and yes it frightens me), the hatred of being disturbed when he's involved in something, the violent reaction to being woken up, the fact that some days he can be totally ok and much more.... I got the book from the library, and I nearly cried when I read it...I related so so much to Jan, to what she felt and what she was going through...at one point she says "You don't want to convince other people that your child is a monster, but sometimes you do want to tell them what a nightmare you are living." (p. 74).... Woah, did I just call my child a nightmare, gosh I'm a bad mother (sarcasm there...honest)...but seriously, there is also that - how can I call my child, who I love so very much, a nightmare, I'm lucky to have him...yes all that is true....but I have to be honest, when he's behaving at his worst he is so difficult to deal with and yet if I'm honest about it, and about how it makes me feel, I'm condemned as bad mother, who doesn't deserve to have children.... It's so isolating and heartbreaking.... Walk a mile in my shoes (well actually don't, I kinda like my shoes), and then you will understand....  The other day, he came and cuddled up to me, and fell asleep on my lap - I was so happy.... then today he's back to "I hate you" and slamming things around (actually quite a mild outburst as they go), because I said "no" to him... The toughest part, in some ways, is the fact that whilst his behaviour resembles 'normal' teenage attitudes etc., it actually is much worse, and more extreme (that word again).... So I get people who think I should just suck it up, and stop complaining, because all parents go through it....and that's just not true... But I understand why people may think that (I guess), it's just that when I'm watching it, and being impacted by it, there's a mother's instinct inside which tells me that this is more than 'normal'... I don't know... I guess until we've seen Camhs again I won't know for sure, but it's getting harder and harder to stay positive...

In the mean time, the football season started again today....as a Villa fan I now declare that the season is only 37 games long, not 38 (Liverpool fans may also agree with me..lol)... There's a rhythm to the year, and the start of the football season means the beginning of the end of summer, and the countdown to the start of school.... Living in Portsmouth, this season means sheer relief that the club is still going.....A is a passionate Pompey fan (tears when he thought they may go out of business), and I don't think many people realise just how much the team is part of the fabric of the city....I've watched the way in which 'businessmen' have come in and screwed around with the club, with a mixture of anger and frustration... Fingers crossed that they can come through this, and be a properly run club again....

Right, I must stop talking now... As always, if you have any questions, or points, or anything you want to say then please just email me ... I'd rather answer a question than have misconceptions out there...

Thank you :)

Jobsworths and their ability to screw with people's lives: a discussion

I apologise in advance if this post turns into something of a rant...but it's been a bad few days in terms of my anxiety, and it was totally preventable and so, I AM NOT HAPPY!

Let me take you back to last week, at which time I noticed that I was coming to the end of my supply of both anti depressants and anti anxiety tablets.. So I did what every responsible, and maybe some irresponsible, person does and went online to order my refills. I triple checked that I'd done it correctly (because the last few times the surgery has managed to leave off my anti-d's)....and then I waited until I knew that they would be at the chemist to pick up, and off I toddled to get them...except that the anti anxiety tablets weren't there.....Now, this was Saturday morning and the surgery was closed...I had enough to last me till Monday so I thought, ok I'll just ring the docs on Monday and they'll fax through the prescription and away we go......oh how naive I was.....

Monday arrives, I ring the doc and speak to the receptionist who tells me that no, the propanolol is not on my repeat list. This puzzles me, because a) I was able to request it (surely if it's not on repeat, it shouldn't be on the system for me to request) and b) when I last saw my doc he upped my dose of anti-d's, and at the same times left me with the impression that he'd put the anti anxieties onto repeat (as he said he'd do) - certainly he didn't want me to come off them..... So, I calmly explained this to the robot, I mean receptionist, who proceeded to inform me that it wasn't on repeat, and that I'd have to come in and see a doc. Now, I HATE going to the doctors surgery, so I asked nicely if, given that I'd seen the doc recently and that they could see that he'd upped my anti-d's and had referred me to CBT, we could ask him to confirm that I'm to continue the anti-anxiety ones as well...well, she wasn't happy about that, seems I was asking her to do some actual work (instead of gossiping), but anyhoo eventually she agreed to email the doc - note at this point I'm left with the impression that she's emailing my doc, the one I saw, the one who KNOWS my history.....Uh, yeah so I was wrong about that as well......

Later on I received a call back from said receptionist advising that the duty doctor (NOT my doc) had said, nope, no dice on the old refill, I have to come in....At this point I'm getting more and more upset. I explained to her that I didn't understand why I had to be seen, given that the doc had seen me recently and more to the point, given the fact that I couldn't get into the surgery for several days due to having visitors (not to mention the fact that they didn't have any appointments)... I asked her to contact the doc I'd actually seen, and she said she would and that I'd get a phone call. At that point I was telling myself that surely the effects of the pills would last a few days and that I'd be ok..

No phone call the rest of Monday, or all day yesterday...so this morning I rang them back....It seems that the receptionist didn't bother to email my doc, oh no...she just left it and did nothing....and today she was again insisting that I come in. By this time I was feeling more and more anxious and shaky, and I told her that I didn't think I could make it in, my legs felt like jelly and I was having palpitations....She said, promised, that she would email the duty doc (my doc wasn't in) and that I would have a call back by the end of the day....guess what...no call back...

In the meantime I am feeling very sick, shaky, wobbly, jelly like, anxious, angry, having palpitations and generally feeling as though I want to hide in a cupboard...and they want me to leave the house and go and see a doctor!!! It's getting worse every day and I'm so fed up.... What is wrong with them? Why couldn't they just let me have a short term prescription to see me through until I could see my doc again? Why can't they say, well ok we can see that you need these pills, so we'll help you out here...Instead of being jobsworths and leaving me feeling like this.....I'm supposed to take A to physio tomorrow morning...I don't even want to leave the house and I have no idea how I'm going to manage that...

I know that I can insist on an appointment tomorrow, and go in...and I will end up doing that..but I'm furious, because to me, I shouldn't have to..It's clear on my notes that I have severe anxiety and depression, it's clear that I need those pills.....to my mind the first option should have been, right we'll give you an emergency supply until you can get here...I don't like and am not comfortable with, seeing another doc about this issue, my doc, Dr C knows me and I'm comfy with him....this may seem like a petty thing to some of you, but I can assure you it's not... Sadly, their first option was default jobsworth, let's not care about the patient, let's just be awkward and not care about the consequences because hey guess what, we're not the ones who'll have palpitations etc... I know that not all doctors receptionists are like this, and to be fair I think I've found the only one at my gp's surgery who IS like that....lucky me.... I just want to have her walk in my shoes, to have her experience all the physical symptoms I'm having at the moment just so she knows what impact her attitude has on me. I know that she could have helped me if she'd chosen to, because it's been done before...It's not the case that she has no wiggle room, she so does...but she chose to be awkward...

So yeah, today has NOT been a good day..... A is being hyper and I'm not coping... I just want to curl into a ball and cry, scream, and punch things...instead I shall button it up, take A to the physio tomorrow and insist on seeing a doc, I shall force myself to go in and I will get my prescription....Because what choice do I have. I think that's why I'm so angry - because at the end of the day, I didn't matter enough to the receptionist for her to get me an emergency supply, for her to care, for her to do what she promised, for her to understand what I'm feeling....Instead of her helping me, I'm once again locking things down so that I can get in, get the prescription, and hopefully feel better...More to the point, I've gone cold turkey (to a degree) on these pills and it staggers and scares me that she could EVER think that was ok. Even if she didn't understand, then the duty doc certainly should, and I'm furious that she thought it was ok to fob me off, and tell me I'd have to wait...

I'm sorry for this rant, but more than that I'm sad for myself - because I have totally regressed several steps...I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS....so I'm going to go now, and try to relax a bit....

Ups and Downs.....

First of all, before I start writing about myself, I need to point you in the direction of another blog, http://warriorelihoax.wordpress.com/2012/08/12/cara-goodman/. Please, please read this (and the other entries on the blog about this person), read them, share them, and be aware...especially those of you who may be impacted by her (she especially likes to insinuate herself into the lives of those who are genuinely suffering with terminal illnesses, as well as to abuse them anonymously).... She has resurfaced in the last couple of days, and scarily it seems that she has a child now...personally, I fear for the child's safety. The damage she has done to people, including someone I care about, is enormous...maybe, hopefully, she won't affect you personally - but the marvelous world of the internet means that by sharing it, maybe someone who would/is being affected will see it and she will be stopped....thank you

In my world, the last few days have been good, interspersed with moments of "bang my head against the wall in sheer frustration".... So shall we do the good bits first?? Ok then.....

Sunday, ahh a lazy day - see I told you I had some good times... :) . Seriously though, it was nice to just relax. Some of us (not me, haha) didn't even get out of their pajamas....lol.... Watching the closing ceremony of the Olympics was fun, C and I were dancing and singing along - we remembered so many of the songs and the girls were just loving our contributions (can you sense the sarcasm there..lol)... It was good, for a couple of hours I just plain enjoyed myself, I forgot all the worries and stress and just had a good time...woohoo....

Today has also been a good day...a nice lie in, then chilling out with the kids, before I fell asleep on the sofa (apparently my 'restless leg' kicked in (ha, pun not intended), and poor C who was sitting next to me, ended up having to move as my foot alternately stroked and kicked her....oops...). I very much enjoyed being able to sleep, without worrying about A. I was so exhausted from everything that I just couldn't keep my eyes open and in the end I had a good few hours rest..lovely...When I woke up I took A and one of my god-daughters up to the library which was nice. A behaved himself and it was good to get out of the house. Since then we have been chilling (again), and it's been very relaxing, which is something I've not managed to do very much recently....

So there you go, good times over the last few days...but, it's not been all good... A has had several 'episodes', and yesterday afternoon I had to ask his Dad to come and get him a few hours early, because I had just had enough....I couldn't take anymore, and I'm so grateful that I was able to get that respite, I don't know how I would have coped otherwise. Even with C here (and doing an amazing job of backing me up), A is still hyper and OTT....the hard part is that C's eldest has similar tendencies and whilst the two of them can play nicely together, and can 'distract' each other (in a good way), at other times they simply bounce off each other, encouraging each other and making the situation worse. To an extent, that is what happened yesterday...and both of them needed to be separated, for their own good as well as our sanity.....

Today has been better, A was distracted by being asked to clean out his dad's car, and so apart from one episode of sulking when he wasn't allowed to the park (and a very unwise FB status update which resulted in C telling him off for me), he has been ok.

But....just as A goes quiet, as it were, so the Uni step up to crap on my joy.....As you know I've had to stop work on my dissertation, and had requested to suspend my MA in order to be able to continue with a clean slate (as it were) from October. Today I received an email from Gina (the amazing lady who does the admin for the MA, amongst other things) advising that I am allowed to suspend and to re-start in September BUT I am to be charged £830 to do so.... Needless to say I am shocked and really really upset. Firstly, and most importantly, there is no way I can afford that. So if it stands, I won't be able to complete my MA. Secondly, I don't understand why they are charging me. As I understand it, the MA is done full and part time (one and two years), and the overall cost is the same, but (obviously) those who do it over one year have to pay it in larger chunks (which my parents kindly paid for me)...So, I don't see why I have to pay more - if I'd chosen to do the course over two years, then I wouldn't have paid any more than I have already... It feels as though the Uni are taking advantage of what is already a horrible time, and are gouging me for money which others (who are doing it over two years, which is in effect what I would now be doing) do not have to pay.  Sorry that this is so rambling and confused but I'm trying to get straight in my head, just what is going on here and I'm also rather upset about it. It's bad enough that things have conspired to make it impossible to complete the MA as planned, but to have the Uni then dump on me simply for wanting to continue, and not give up, just makes me so angry. I'm going to email Gina and ask her to direct me to someone who can help, because this isn't her fault and so I don't want to bombard her with questions and complaints.

I'm not going to give up, but this has been a kick in the teeth...I'd no idea that the Uni would look at this and think it reasonable to charge me, I just thought that because I'd paid, I'd be able to continue - stupid me, of course money is everything these days.... Anger is really kicking in now, so I need to stop - else I'll be awake half the night writing screeds in my head, all of which I'll forget when it comes to actually emailing someone...lol...

I shall instead look forward to tomorrow's trip to Southsea castle with J and the kids... It should be fun, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone....It will be good to intro C to J, as both of them have been fantastically supportive (as have so many people).

Right, I'm off now... thanks for reading (and don't forget to please read and share the link at the top of this entry)

:)

A very good day :)

Last night I was feeling low....tonight, I'm feeling happier than I have done for a long time. What a difference 24 hours can make.....

I slept ok, which considering that I was in A's bed (he was at his Dads), was a miracle...even when Purdy cat decided that 6:30am was a great time to wake me up, I still managed to get back to sleep.. When I finally woke up at 9am, I didn't feel too bad..... We had a lazy start to the day, which included a sulk from A, but I was able to handle it. Mainly because C was there and she stood up for me, backed me up and generally helped defuse my bad feeling, if not A's temper tantrum.....

We had decided to take the kids across to the IOW for the day, and to go on the hovercraft. I was kinda excited, as I've never been on one before.... We had a bit of a wait before the craft arrived, during which time the kids alternated between watching it come across the Solent, and moaning that they were bored...lol....

 

Once onboard, we found that sadly air conditioning was not a feature of this craft and it was very warm....However, starting up and moving in one of these things is pretty cool....you kinda rise up, and swing round and off you go...weird weird feeling but fun..... The Solent was a bit choppy and sadly A felt the effect of that - he got very pale and quiet and it took a lot of effort to get him to cope with that, and not to throw up. To be fair to him, it was nausea inducing, as we bounced along the waves...needless to say he was pretty relieved when we arrived in Ryde and he could get off. The fresh air helped massively. The weather was lovely, although it was windy the wind was warm and so we didn't feel chilly at all.... We decided to get some lunch, and this is a part I'm quite proud of....Most of the shops/cafes in Ryde are situation up along a steep hill, rising from the promenade...last year I would have struggled to walk up it, in fact a few months ago I would have struggled...but today, I made it without really noticing....I was shocked and very pleased. I really expected to struggle, for my knee to hurt, to be out of breath, for all of that to happen...but none of it did and I was so so pleased...

It doesn't look too steep in the pic, but trust me when you're walking up - it's steep...lol... Anyway, after that we found a lovely cafe and had a really nice lunch (bacon, egg and chips? yes please)....Then we decided to go and sit on the beach for the rest of the afternoon....we walked down and to the left as you look at the picture above, and found a quiet beach with some concrete steps/shelves which we could sit on. C decided to go for a walk, so I sat and watched the kids play in the sea....

It was so warm, we were sheltered from the wind and although there were other people around, and they were a bit noisy, it was still nice...people were friendly and watching out for others.  A and the other two were (apparently) attempting to dig to China..they didn't get too far but they did get a bit cold....I loved that it didn't take too long for them to warm up again. When C came back, I took A and went for a walk along the shoreline, as the tide was coming in....the sea was lovely and warm and we had a really nice talk, during which he (spontaneously) told me that he loved me...something he's not said for ages...so that was lovely and made the day really special....such a small thing, but it means a lot... 

You may have noticed that we had ICE CREAM...om nom nom.....oh yes..... Treat number one (food related) of the day....it was delicious, although it did melt all over my hand which necessitated a visit to the worlds stinkiest toilets so that I could wash my hands....but anyway, what's a trip to the seaside without an ice cream?? Lol..... Then A decided to climb a tree, and do his monkey impression

He did have fun...and it was good to see him enjoying himself as he should, and not having a temper tantrum.... 

By the time we got on the hovercraft to go home, we were exhausted.....the crossing back to Portsmouth was much rougher than the one coming over, and I did feel quite unwell...luckily I had C there to distract me with her weirdness....oh joy...lol..... At one point I thought that the craft was going to go airborne and land on Southsea Common..... However we didn't, we made it the conventional way and managed to walk to the bus and then on home....where we promptly collapsed on the sofa, exhausted....

The evening has been spent watching the Olympics - seeing Mo Farrah winning his second Gold, Tom Daley winning Bronze, as well as some spectacular diving.....oh and also, eating some yummy chocolate cake (my second food related treat of the day)... The kids are now, finally, in bed although not asleep....and C and I are watching telly and deciding whether or not to eat the last of the chocolate cake (you so know we're going to)....

Today has been a good day. There were moments when A had tantrums and was rude, but they passed and with C here to help me out they weren't as bad as they could have been. I've been feeling happy, and it's lasted longer than it has for some time now....I'm exhausted, and I want the kids to go to sleep, but overall I'm ok...and that's more than I hoped for at this time yesterday.....

Tomorrow is a day off, no outings, just chilling at home, watching the last day of the Olympics and the closing ceremony....fingers crossed that I get a lie in...now that would be a treat :D

It's been a while...sorry 'bout that ;)

The last few days have been a mixed bag......It's been so good having my mum to visit, not least because she has been there to back me up and help me out with A. I really didn't want her to leave this morning. Sadly, she had to. My dad needed her back, apart from anything else. She's been amazing though, taking A out every day, which gave me a break, and helping me to do things round the house which I'd neglected a bit..

On Wednesday I had a meeting with my dissertation supervisor which went well. He suggested that I apply for a suspension so that I don't have to hand the dissertation in on October 1st. I can then re-start the MA and work towards the dissertation, which will then be handed in at a later date. I don't know whether or not the academic registry people will agree, but I should find out next week. I've also postponed the PhD, and it's been good to see how understanding everyone has been (so far). When I came out of the meeting I felt a bit numb, even though I was relieved, I still felt weird. That feeling lasted for a while, and I didn't feel right until the next day...

Today I had the phone consultation with Talking Change (NHS Counselling service). The guy I spoke to was very nice, very understanding and it's been agreed that I will start CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) in September. I will also be put on the waiting list for counselling, but that won't happen for some time (the waiting list is 4 months long)....Again, I feel a bit relieved, but mostly just numb.

C and the girls arrived today. Their arrival was perfectly timed, because mum was just leaving...and it meant that I had to let her go, and although I was upset that she'd left, I had to be sociable, and couldn't just hide in bed. The girls are so lovely, and it's been nice to have cuddles and to be spoken to politely, to chat to them etc. The weather was so lovely that we went for a walk (round the charity shops) this afternoon, and although my knee was very painful, it was nice to be out and to have someone else there to deal with A. He has spent the day alternating between showing off for C's eldest daughter, behaving nicely, and then being a rude, stroppy boy. The girls were quite upset at how rude he was to me, and that was painful to see.

Right now, I'm in one of those frustrating moods. I know I should be happy, and I am (in a way) but the churning in my stomach, lump in my throat and weird feeling of sadness/heaviness inside are all still there and weighing me down somewhat. I'm lucky, because C totally understands and she doesn't mind if I'm quiet (probably likes the break from noise, lol), she's happy to just sit and be with me. The girls are a tonic as well, as I said above. But A and I are still struggling. Even when he's being nice, normal, happy, playing well etc., I can't get myself to relax, because I'm almost waiting for him to snap again. It feels as though his bad behaviour has 'tainted' the other times. I can't look forward to things, because I keep worrying about what he will do - and this isn't conscious worrying. It's just automatic. I want to have fun, to enjoy the summer, but every day will be impacted by his rudeness, refusal to behave, hyperactivity and anger. It takes so much effort to hold it together some days. Yet he can then be so calm, and nice. I think, though, that as my ability to cope has broken, so my feelings about his behaviour are becoming more obvious, and so he is beginning to realise how I'm feeling. I'm worried that he is thinking that I don't like him. I'm worried that my reactions, and my inability to hide my frustration and stress, are impacting on him and making his behaviour worse. It's a total mess, and I can't wait to get some help.....

In the meantime, the next few days should be fun. We're hoping to go to the Isle of Wight tomorrow - on the hovercraft!!! (I've wanted to go on that for ages, lol).... Then Sunday will be lazy day, and Monday we will, hopefully be meeting up with J and her lovely lot and visiting Southsea Castle and having a picnic....can't wait. I'm going to make an effort not to worry. My plan is to relax, to enjoy this time and to let C help me out as much as possible. In theory, by doing this I should be able to dial down my stress levels and maybe this will carry on even after they've gone home.

In the meantime, I shall leave you all in peace.. :)

Getting my grump on

I thought that when my mum arrived, I'd be able to relax and chill out...instead, I seem to be channeling my inner toddler...well sort of.....Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful to have her here, and it's definitely helping me...but my self-control, which has been severely tested recently, seems to have decided to take this opportunity to desert me completely..great....

Yesterday, after she'd had a cuppa and watched a bit of the Olympics, we were going (as planned) to Waterlooville so that I could sort some stuff out at the library....despite the fact that I wanted to go, and the fact that it was a really good idea to take advantage of the fact that she had the car (so I didn't have to pay bus fare), my inner toddler showed its face.....No idea why, but all of a sudden I didn't want to go (except I really did) and I wasn't going to go.....it's so humiliating being like that...fortunately, and probably because she knows me so well, mum wasn't having any of it....and so off we went (me in tears, because that's just how I roll when I've let my toddler out, sigh)......In all seriousness, I was totally fed up. Despite my hopes that A would behave himself while mum is here, he hadn't....and he'd continued to be rude and disobedient to the extreme....but only to me..and that was enough to trigger a minor meltdown. I wanted to kick and scream and shout and rage, because I have to sit there and take his attitude and calmly deal with it, and now my mum was there and, well, I just didn't want to deal with it any more.....my poor mum.....

Having said that, once we'd got there, and I'd had a soothing half hour browsing the library, I did feel better and more able to cope with A's behaviour. The fact that mum was there, and that I didn't have to tell him off every time (we alternated) was a huge help. The rest of the evening was calm (ish) and I did manage a fairly decent nights sleep. Today I was heading to the library to complete the research, so that the lovely staff at the local history centre could put the documents back into the archive. Mum and A were going to tidy his room, before going out for a bike (mum) and skateboard (A) ride...... As it turned out, I didn't have to do much work at the library, so after another nice browse I came home.... Mum and A had worked really hard (albeit they'd come across some worrying things which A had 'appropriated') and whilst I relaxed and watched the Olympics, they headed out. It seems that they had a good time, and I know it did me good to relax. A cooked dinner (yum) and then he headed to his dads for the night, and mum headed to her friends house....so I've had a nice evening on my own....

Several things have been on my mind recently.....(yeah yeah, I know, don't strain myself...lol)..... Firstly, I'm amazed, and pleased, that I've managed to stick to my diet. I've not cracked and gone for the chocolate or sweets, I've stood in front of a shelf of chocolate bars, all on offer, and not been remotely tempted. This is miraculous! Seriously, I've never been this strong before, and part of me is waiting for it to end, spectacularly. So far it hasn't, and I'm really grateful.....it's something I can be pleased about, and which I can use to prove to myself that I'm not a total failure. 

Secondly, I'm realising the extent to which A and my relationship is suffering and crumbling under the strain of his problems and my attempts to cope with them. It is a rare conversation where he doesn't end up snarling at me, glaring at me, being rude and/or disobedient, shouting at me or a combination thereof. Whilst I accept that this is 'normal' teenage behaviour to some extent, it is clearly going above and beyond that most of the time. Mum has been fantastic, pointing out to him when he is being rude etc., and as a result I am realising just how poorly I am handling it the rest of the time. My ability to be calm and deal with things is stretched to the limit and as a result I'm snapping at him. He managed to lock himself in the bathroom today (because he'd gone in there in a strop and slammed the door), when he started shouting at me and banging on the door, I thought it was part of his tantrum and I ignored him....it was only when mum came down to see what he was making so much noise about, that I realised....and yes, I felt bad but mostly I just felt exhausted and didn't want to deal with it...I didn't want to say, well if you hadn't slammed the door etc. etc., I didn't want to deal with his attitude.... I know that we need help, before our relationship is damaged for good. I love him, but I'm exhausted. The fact that he will still come to me when he's upset, or tired, or just wants to sit down, is lovely. It gives me hope that we will get through this. But I know that we won't without help. I have my phone interview with Talking Change on Friday, and I'm planning on ringing Camhs tomorrow to chase up A's referral. Fingers crossed that both Camhs and Talking Change are able to help us immediately.....

Finally, I'm seeing my MA dissertation supervisor tomorrow to discuss my options. I'm pretty certain about my preferred route from now on, but it remains to be seen whether or not that is acceptable to the Uni. I'm hoping that my proven record of work will help but I just don't know. It's going to be tough, and I feel sorry for my supervisor, poor guy is likely to be confronted by a snotty, weeping mess... I don't think I'll get a definite answer tomorrow, it'll probably have to be referred to the higher ups but we'll see....It's definitely on my mind...

I want to apologise, I set this blog up as my diary of losing weight etc., and it seems to have turned into a vent/confessional for the mess that is my life right now. From my perspective, this is a good thing - it helps me to sort my thoughts out, to vent out stuff which otherwise I'd hold inside, and to generally keep things together. I know that probably makes it a stream of (unhappy) consciousness a lot of the time...All I can say is that when you read this, and you send me a supportive message, it really really helps.....it also means that I don't have to repeat things over and over, because people know what's happening.... Maybe it means that you know more than you would otherwise (not because I would deliberately not tell you, but because I just wouldn't see you or whatever)....feel free to ignore whatever you want, I'm not going to be offended... Feel free to ask me questions, and give me advice...it's all welcome..... whatever you choose, it's appreciated :)

In other news, Team GB rocks......22 gold medals :D ... thank you very much... I'm enjoying the Olympics...

Right, time to catch up on the bits I missed today and then to go to bed......feeling the need to chill now.... 

:) 

Weekend Catch up........................

So.....this weekend has been spent relaxing, whilst also trying to sort out what happens next. It has been mostly positive....

Saturday saw A's dad come over, they did some work on the car before heading off for some quality time together and when A returned he was very much relaxed and a lot calmer. In the evening we watched the Olympics - and what an amazing evening it was....I really enjoyed watching A cheering the GB athletes on, and seeing joy when Jess Ennis, Mo Farrah and Greg Rutherford won GOLD..... As I write this, he is watching the athletics, qualifying races, and is getting really involved in each race. I love seeing that joy on his face, and his enjoyment.....it means so much to me, and as I said to a friend the other day, I'm really taking pleasure in the small things at the moment......

I also managed a chat with my mum, and she arrives later on today.....to say I'm relieved would be an understatement. Although I also feel very guilty. She is so busy, has so much to do. My dad has just come back from a week away, and now she's going away....so they haven't exactly seen each other very much recently - and I'm not helping....So guilt is definitely a factor, but I'm so relieved and pleased...I need her here, I need someone to back me up, I need my mum (doesn't matter how old you are, that is always true I think)..... Then my friend (as close as a sister) comes down on Friday, and I'm really looking forward to that as well....can't wait to see her, and my god-daughters.....We back each other up with the children, and that extra support is so so necessary right now...

Yesterday turned out to be a really good day.... I'd not planned anything, but received a text from R (the friend who I stayed with a few weeks ago) asking if she and her girls could come over that afternoon....of course I said yes.....and what a brilliant time it was. It was amazing to see A so happy, and laughing, and genuinely happy - not grumpy, down, sad, rude, angry, etc. Yes, he was still very hyper and at times it was too much, but at least it was a 'good' hyper. He, and the girls, were in hysterics much of the time, and R and I just couldn't help joining in. I'm so grateful for amazing friends who take us as we are, and who come over and spend time with us....who don't raise an eyebrow over A's behaviour and who are there for us..  You know who you are, and there are no words enough to thank you....and that goes for those who support us over the 'net. You don't have to be here physically to make a difference, and trust me, you do....

Right, I need to go and sort some stuff out before mum gets here and A is nagging to go on my laptop...so I must go... I will be back, at some point....

Thank you xx

Giving up and getting on........................................

Apologies (again) for the lack of a post yesterday....sadly things rather kicked off again and I was in no fit state to write, I could barely string my thoughts together....it's marginally better today, and I feel the need to vent...you have been warned!! lol

So the day started off well yesterday... I had an appointment for the work scheme (JSA related) which I was dreading, but it turned out ok. There were no shouty, drunken men there, and although the office still freaks me out, the adviser was lovely. She took down all the information, and asked questions which showed she 'got' what I was saying. She also took it all seriously, and so I'm cautiously optimistic that whatever happens with the various referrals for Aiden and I, it will be taken into account. 

I then moved on to the library, and the peace of the research centre. Lovely. They've got a nice big pile of 19th century documents for me to look at, and I spent some very satisfying hours (broken up by a lovely lunch with J), looking through them and getting very excited by the information I found. 

And then I came home and the day went downhill FAST.......

A had been at a friends the night before, but his dad had made the decision that, because I was at the library all day, he would give A a key to his flat so that he could get in for lunch etc. Both his dad and I had made it clear to A that he wasn't allowed to have any friends in the flat, and that he was only to go in there for lunch (or a comfort break). It was a big thing, trusting him again. 

Whilst I was having lunch with J, I received a phone call from A, who was in tears. He told me that he'd had a fight with his friends, and had retreated to the flat to calm down. His friends had apparently followed him there and he'd allowed them in. *sigh* They then began acting, in A's words, 'cocky' so he told them to leave, and when he tried to make them leave, one of them got him by the throat and bashed him up against the wall. A was so upset at this point that I told him to come into town. He did this, arriving with some other friends, and by that point appearing to be totally fine. J had kindly offered to look after him for the afternoon, and he was happy with that. And that was that. Or so I thought...

When I got home, I received a text from A's dad. He told me that he'd arrived home to find that the ashtrays had been overturned and gone through, and a can (maybe 2) of cider had been emptied, with a glass which stank of alcohol sat on the side. My heart sank. So far we've avoided (or so I'd thought) the whole issue of alcohol, for which I was really grateful.  Naturally P was furious. He asked me to have A overnight as he was so cross with him that he didn't want to face him. But by that point it was already too late to let J know, and A was already on his way to his dads. When he eventually made it to mine, he was grumpy and taciturn, not surprisingly I guess. I asked him what had happened and the first story he told, was that they'd forced him to let them in and had made him drink, but he didn't like it. However, once it became clear that P was going to be making a visit to the boys parents, A got increasingly upset. He refused to say why, but (even though I was in the same room) he then texted me that it was all his idea! Yup, heart sinking time again. As soon as he'd said that, he ran. As in, upped and left the house. His normal reaction, but having been pleased that he'd owned up, I had hoped that he wouldn't run. 

So there we were, me texting P, and A running....oh, and me feeling as though I'd fallen through the rabbit hole and wondering where the rescue team were.... A rang me eventually, refused to come back, did the whole bolshy "I'm running, I'm never coming back, I'll live on the streets" etc. thing.... However when P told him that he'd lose the PS3 if he didn't come back, he rang to say he was returning but only cos he didn't want to lose the PS3..yeah, I was wounded...but at least he came back. To be honest, much of the rest of the evening is a blur, I just wanted peace and quiet and thank fully I got it. I did speak to my mum - because my main thought at that point was that A needed to be out of Portsmouth. I wanted to see if my parents could have him. A hated the idea of being made to leave Portsmouth, but that just made me like the idea more. Eventually he fell asleep on the sofa, and I went to bed. 

Cut to this morning, and A's realisation that I had meant it when I said he was grounded. Cue an outburst. My mum rang to say that they couldn't have him, but that she was going to try and come down next week to help. I love my parents so so much....they've been there for me, and done so much....I can't thank them enough.... Part of the reason for my mum coming down was so that I could go into the library and complete the research - I can't go in now unless someone is with A..it's just not possible. But these last few weeks have made me reassess just what I can (and can't) do right now. I love doing my MA and in an ideal world I'd continue as I have been and complete as planned. I'm just not sure that it's possible any more. I'm way behind on my research - because of all the problems with A at the end of term. I've also still not finished the secondary reading. And, unsurprisingly, I've not started writing it yet. Now, if I could guarantee to be able to work on it every day from now until the 22nd September, then I don't think it would be a problem, it would be hard but I know I could do it. That guarantee just isn't possible tho. I need to spend time with A, I refuse to stop that - even when he doesn't want to be with me, or refuses my suggestions..he comes first. Then there's the fact that the chances of him behaving himself for the rest of the holidays is slim to none. Added to that is the fact that he can't be trusted on his own. I'm not sure how long we're going to ground him for but I'm guessing it's going to be the rest of the holidays. And since I'm at home, that means being here with him. I can't go to the library and leave him at home, and I can't take him with me. Finally, having him at home means it's near impossible to work. He's so hyperactive, and that's the least of the issues. So I've emailed my dissertation supervisor and told him what's happened. I've asked for a meeting, and I'm going to see if I can suspend and maybe complete the dissertation during the next year. In effect doing a part time MA. 

Looking back, I should have done the MA part time any way. I feel like such an idiot for thinking that I could manage it over one year. To be fair, the first part of the course wasn't too bad, and I managed. But this dissertation part is a nightmare. Not the dissertation itself, but the ability to complete it. I hoped that A would behave, and would be with friends so that on the days I needed to go to the library I could, and that when I had to work, he'd be alright. I'd planned to work between 10 and 4 so that I could spend time with him. And I was prepared to be flexible, to take days off and to swap around when I worked so that we could do things together. So far he's refused to spend any more time with me than he has to, i.e. the evenings. Which is what makes it so hard to hear that he may be behaving like this because he needs attention. I feel like a total failure, and a crap mum. He doesn't want to be with me, but he'll still behave appallingly to get attention...and what kind of mum am I, that I don't pick up on this??? I said to someone today, that there's a fine line between independence and too much freedom. This is true, and I've come down on the wrong side. I remember having freedom, and spending days at the park, or with friends, playing in the river, playing in the garden, reading, having fun...and that's what I'd hoped A was having. Instead it appears that he's been hanging around with kids with whom he can indulge his penchant for bad behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I hold him fully responsible for his actions, but I also know that he has friends who wouldn't go along with his suggestions, who wouldn't dream of behaving like that....it just seems that, given the choice, he'd rather run with the wrong crowd. My need to get the dissertation completed has collided with his desire to test (or rather charge straight through) the boundaries. Something has to give. It has to be my dissertation. I can go back to that. I can't get A back if he goes too far down that road.

So this morning I decided that I was going to put the dissertation on hold for the time being. I will speak to my supervisor next week, and I plan to go in and finish that initial library research when my mum is down next week. That is because the documents need to go back to the archive, and also because mum is coming down partly for that reason. Depending on what my supervisor says, I'll make a final decision next week. I have to be honest, making this decision has left me feeling relieved; I don't have to panic about getting work done when he's behaving badly, I don't have to feel that I must do research, when my gut is telling me that I can't leave A on his own and I don't have to feel as though I'm only giving a partial effort (due to stress and depression) when I need to give 100%. 

A and I went for a bike ride this afternoon - well I rode, he skateboarded. We went to Southsea, to the new library there. It was a lovely time. He chose some books - woohoo. So did I - woohoo again. All was good. Then this evening he tried to persuade me that, as he'd arranged to go to the beach with his friends tomorrow, he should be allowed to so he "didn't let them down"...ummmm no chance....needless to say he was not happy about that. And now we're back to square one. He is currently upstairs, talking on his mobile to a friend, despite the fact that I've told him to get off or else he'll lose his phone. He's just refused. So that's his phone gone then. When he's like this I just hate it. He refuses and I can't make him. Well I could; I could physically go up and take his phone away but that would end in violence (probably). Apart from that, I just have to reiterate the sanctions, and follow through. And I do. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like a total useless waste of space failure of a mother. 

I'm desperate for some official help. I need someone to come and help me, someone who can push for the official proper help A needs. Because if he doesn't get it, then I dread to think what his future will be. I can't keep doing this. I love him, he's my son. But this is so painful, being treated like dirt by my own 12 year old son. And this is more than teenage issues. I know it is, even if I don't like to think so. Maybe I'm wrong, I hope I am, I hope than in two years I can look back and think, well it worked out in the end. But I'm doubtful. He can be loving, kind, caring, calm, smiling, he can be a 'normal' teenager....I'm so happy when he's like that. I want that back. I want to not have a constant knot in my throat, palpitations, a churning stomach, headache, sick feeling...I want to be calm, happy, not fearing what's coming round the corner, I want to be able to trust him....that is the biggest thing...trust....it's horrible not being able to trust someone... I want to be able to have a chat with my parents that doesn't involve talking about A's latest actions, and doesn't involve them having to worry, feel bad, helpless or work out how to support me best. I want to stop being angry with A, to never again feel as though I can't cope with him, to be able to look forward with hope, to not have the fear that he'll be taken away from me, to not feel like I'm the worst mother ever.... I want so many things...and you know what is going through my mind right now - how damn lucky I am, because I have friends who would give anything to hold their own sons again.... I hate that I'm so lucky to have my child, and yet I'm still stressed, depressed, anxious and all that..... 

So thank you for reading this latest vent/stream of consciousness.. I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. Please know that I'm well aware that people may (rightly) think that compared to others I'm lucky and shouldn't complain...but for me, this is so so painful and hard to deal with. I miss the old A. I want him back. And this blog helps me to vent, to get out some of the awful feelings inside me so that I don't explode, so that I can still try to be a good mum to him and not collapse in a heap of failure. Feel free to ask me anything, I don't mind. You guys have no idea how much this blog helps, and how much I appreciate the people who read it. 

All mixed up........and more than a little stressed.....

It's been a very weird and stressful few days.... Normally speaking, dealing with an ex's break up just isn't something which features heavily in people's lives...but when you have a child with that ex, then all bets are off and it becomes very messy.... Couple that with stress over the MA dissertation, constant phone calls from people who can't quite grasp the concept of my phone number being on the TPS list (i.e. unsolicited phone calls are banned), and trying to get A an appointment with Camhs ASAP and you see why I may be slightly mad at the moment.....but then today I got a reality check...another one...as another little life is fading away, from the nasty disease that is cancer... So please hold Mitchell Huth and his family in your thoughts....they need it right now.... 

Interestingly, as I'm writing this I'm watching Road Wars (as usual) and a charming (haha) young lady is screaming at the police, who are arresting her equally charming (pah) young male companion, that she hopes they get cancer....It never ceases to amaze me just how ignorant some people are, in fact it shocks me - their ignorance I mean....cancer doesn't choose which family it affects, it just dives right in...it's not as if it's something which certain people avoid because their posh/chavvy....so to me, of all the things people hurl at the police, that one is the one which upsets me and angers me the most....either she really is ignorant about cancer, or she's so nasty that she doesn't care...am not sure which is worse....

I think, to be honest, that my emotions are a bit on edge this week.... When A came back on Monday night, he seemed to be ok, but then he went very quiet and sat with Molly cat on his lap...he was tearful and very worried about his dad..it's so hard to see your child in pain, and to know that there's nothing you can do...I just held him on my lap (you know it's bad when your 12 year old happily cuddles up on your lap) and we watched telly together, chatting...eventually he fell asleep and I left him to sleep on the sofa... On Tuesday he was again sticking very close to me. He'd go out for a bit, and then come back again....when I told him that J (his dad's now ex) would be moving out, we had more tears and he insisted then that he wanted to be with his dad that evening...he was hoping to see J before she left but that wasn't to be...a maccy d's with his dad seemed to help tho, and today he's been ok and is staying at a friends house over night. 

I've been asked whether or not he will continue to see J. To be honest I don't know, it's up to her (and P I guess). I have no objection, and part of me hopes that he will continue to see her for a while at least, and that things will tail off naturally...she's been a part of his life for 4 years, she's been his step-mum for pretty much all that time and honestly, I have some concerns over his ability to handle it if contact is cut off suddenly. But, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I still don't know exactly what happened, and although the nosy part of me wants to know (wouldn't you? be honest), I don't think I ever will... I do have concerns that A's issues were part of it, but I have to trust that they weren't. 

It's been very weird and quite hard to see P so upset...normally you'd not see this, an ex is an ex, but not in this case and even though it may seem weird, I do feel for him. I didn't see this coming (and sharing a child with a household is normally a sure fire way to get information accidentally - you know what kids are like).....Enough time has passed now for us to be amicable and friendly, and it's never nice to see friends in pain. Hopefully having A will help him, as it did me when he and I split up..... 

In the meantime I've been cracking on with the MA dissertation. I'm having serious doubts about my ability to finish it by the deadline, especially as I have A during the day most of the time for the next month or so. He is so very hyper at the moment that, when he's at home, I really can't concentrate. He's bouncing off the walls, fidgeting, being noisy etc., and I want to be calm and nice, but sadly I keep letting my stress get the better of me and snapping at him...not good... I really need to see my supervisor but he's on leave till next week so I'll just have to wait, and chase him up then. I've still got lots of research to do, I'd hoped to have it done by now but all the problems with A at the end of term stopped me, so I'm way behind.... I don't know if I can get an extension, and even if it's the right thing to do. I'll have to see...in the meantime I'm off to the library to do more research tomorrow (and being taken to lunch by my lovely friend J (not P's ex), can't wait)....

Yesterday was a bad day, I think everything caught up with me and I just wanted to hide. So I did. For once, though, it worked and having some time to myself made me feel better....so that's a big WOOHOO... I certainly felt much better this morning and have stormed through a lot of work today.... Watching the Olympics has helped.....they say that winning medals helps to motivate the other athletes, and it really motivated me....watching the women win their rowing race was amazing, and then seeing Bradley Wiggins win another gold was brilliant.... I'm really enjoying being able to watch, and although I'd love to be able to go there, it's not possible so this is the next best thing....

Right, I need to go to bed... I have to face the dreaded work scheme office again tomorrow...an early night is essential.....

Night, lovely people :)