Yesterday, after she'd had a cuppa and watched a bit of the Olympics, we were going (as planned) to Waterlooville so that I could sort some stuff out at the library....despite the fact that I wanted to go, and the fact that it was a really good idea to take advantage of the fact that she had the car (so I didn't have to pay bus fare), my inner toddler showed its face.....No idea why, but all of a sudden I didn't want to go (except I really did) and I wasn't going to go.....it's so humiliating being like that...fortunately, and probably because she knows me so well, mum wasn't having any of it....and so off we went (me in tears, because that's just how I roll when I've let my toddler out, sigh)......In all seriousness, I was totally fed up. Despite my hopes that A would behave himself while mum is here, he hadn't....and he'd continued to be rude and disobedient to the extreme....but only to me..and that was enough to trigger a minor meltdown. I wanted to kick and scream and shout and rage, because I have to sit there and take his attitude and calmly deal with it, and now my mum was there and, well, I just didn't want to deal with it any more.....my poor mum.....
Having said that, once we'd got there, and I'd had a soothing half hour browsing the library, I did feel better and more able to cope with A's behaviour. The fact that mum was there, and that I didn't have to tell him off every time (we alternated) was a huge help. The rest of the evening was calm (ish) and I did manage a fairly decent nights sleep. Today I was heading to the library to complete the research, so that the lovely staff at the local history centre could put the documents back into the archive. Mum and A were going to tidy his room, before going out for a bike (mum) and skateboard (A) ride...... As it turned out, I didn't have to do much work at the library, so after another nice browse I came home.... Mum and A had worked really hard (albeit they'd come across some worrying things which A had 'appropriated') and whilst I relaxed and watched the Olympics, they headed out. It seems that they had a good time, and I know it did me good to relax. A cooked dinner (yum) and then he headed to his dads for the night, and mum headed to her friends house....so I've had a nice evening on my own....
Several things have been on my mind recently.....(yeah yeah, I know, don't strain myself...lol)..... Firstly, I'm amazed, and pleased, that I've managed to stick to my diet. I've not cracked and gone for the chocolate or sweets, I've stood in front of a shelf of chocolate bars, all on offer, and not been remotely tempted. This is miraculous! Seriously, I've never been this strong before, and part of me is waiting for it to end, spectacularly. So far it hasn't, and I'm really grateful.....it's something I can be pleased about, and which I can use to prove to myself that I'm not a total failure.
Secondly, I'm realising the extent to which A and my relationship is suffering and crumbling under the strain of his problems and my attempts to cope with them. It is a rare conversation where he doesn't end up snarling at me, glaring at me, being rude and/or disobedient, shouting at me or a combination thereof. Whilst I accept that this is 'normal' teenage behaviour to some extent, it is clearly going above and beyond that most of the time. Mum has been fantastic, pointing out to him when he is being rude etc., and as a result I am realising just how poorly I am handling it the rest of the time. My ability to be calm and deal with things is stretched to the limit and as a result I'm snapping at him. He managed to lock himself in the bathroom today (because he'd gone in there in a strop and slammed the door), when he started shouting at me and banging on the door, I thought it was part of his tantrum and I ignored him....it was only when mum came down to see what he was making so much noise about, that I realised....and yes, I felt bad but mostly I just felt exhausted and didn't want to deal with it...I didn't want to say, well if you hadn't slammed the door etc. etc., I didn't want to deal with his attitude.... I know that we need help, before our relationship is damaged for good. I love him, but I'm exhausted. The fact that he will still come to me when he's upset, or tired, or just wants to sit down, is lovely. It gives me hope that we will get through this. But I know that we won't without help. I have my phone interview with Talking Change on Friday, and I'm planning on ringing Camhs tomorrow to chase up A's referral. Fingers crossed that both Camhs and Talking Change are able to help us immediately.....
Finally, I'm seeing my MA dissertation supervisor tomorrow to discuss my options. I'm pretty certain about my preferred route from now on, but it remains to be seen whether or not that is acceptable to the Uni. I'm hoping that my proven record of work will help but I just don't know. It's going to be tough, and I feel sorry for my supervisor, poor guy is likely to be confronted by a snotty, weeping mess... I don't think I'll get a definite answer tomorrow, it'll probably have to be referred to the higher ups but we'll see....It's definitely on my mind...
I want to apologise, I set this blog up as my diary of losing weight etc., and it seems to have turned into a vent/confessional for the mess that is my life right now. From my perspective, this is a good thing - it helps me to sort my thoughts out, to vent out stuff which otherwise I'd hold inside, and to generally keep things together. I know that probably makes it a stream of (unhappy) consciousness a lot of the time...All I can say is that when you read this, and you send me a supportive message, it really really helps.....it also means that I don't have to repeat things over and over, because people know what's happening.... Maybe it means that you know more than you would otherwise (not because I would deliberately not tell you, but because I just wouldn't see you or whatever)....feel free to ignore whatever you want, I'm not going to be offended... Feel free to ask me questions, and give me advice...it's all welcome..... whatever you choose, it's appreciated :)
In other news, Team GB rocks......22 gold medals :D ... thank you very much... I'm enjoying the Olympics...
Right, time to catch up on the bits I missed today and then to go to bed......feeling the need to chill now....
:)
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