The last few days have been a mixed bag......It's been so good having my mum to visit, not least because she has been there to back me up and help me out with A. I really didn't want her to leave this morning. Sadly, she had to. My dad needed her back, apart from anything else. She's been amazing though, taking A out every day, which gave me a break, and helping me to do things round the house which I'd neglected a bit..
On Wednesday I had a meeting with my dissertation supervisor which went well. He suggested that I apply for a suspension so that I don't have to hand the dissertation in on October 1st. I can then re-start the MA and work towards the dissertation, which will then be handed in at a later date. I don't know whether or not the academic registry people will agree, but I should find out next week. I've also postponed the PhD, and it's been good to see how understanding everyone has been (so far). When I came out of the meeting I felt a bit numb, even though I was relieved, I still felt weird. That feeling lasted for a while, and I didn't feel right until the next day...
Today I had the phone consultation with Talking Change (NHS Counselling service). The guy I spoke to was very nice, very understanding and it's been agreed that I will start CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) in September. I will also be put on the waiting list for counselling, but that won't happen for some time (the waiting list is 4 months long)....Again, I feel a bit relieved, but mostly just numb.
C and the girls arrived today. Their arrival was perfectly timed, because mum was just leaving...and it meant that I had to let her go, and although I was upset that she'd left, I had to be sociable, and couldn't just hide in bed. The girls are so lovely, and it's been nice to have cuddles and to be spoken to politely, to chat to them etc. The weather was so lovely that we went for a walk (round the charity shops) this afternoon, and although my knee was very painful, it was nice to be out and to have someone else there to deal with A. He has spent the day alternating between showing off for C's eldest daughter, behaving nicely, and then being a rude, stroppy boy. The girls were quite upset at how rude he was to me, and that was painful to see.
Right now, I'm in one of those frustrating moods. I know I should be happy, and I am (in a way) but the churning in my stomach, lump in my throat and weird feeling of sadness/heaviness inside are all still there and weighing me down somewhat. I'm lucky, because C totally understands and she doesn't mind if I'm quiet (probably likes the break from noise, lol), she's happy to just sit and be with me. The girls are a tonic as well, as I said above. But A and I are still struggling. Even when he's being nice, normal, happy, playing well etc., I can't get myself to relax, because I'm almost waiting for him to snap again. It feels as though his bad behaviour has 'tainted' the other times. I can't look forward to things, because I keep worrying about what he will do - and this isn't conscious worrying. It's just automatic. I want to have fun, to enjoy the summer, but every day will be impacted by his rudeness, refusal to behave, hyperactivity and anger. It takes so much effort to hold it together some days. Yet he can then be so calm, and nice. I think, though, that as my ability to cope has broken, so my feelings about his behaviour are becoming more obvious, and so he is beginning to realise how I'm feeling. I'm worried that he is thinking that I don't like him. I'm worried that my reactions, and my inability to hide my frustration and stress, are impacting on him and making his behaviour worse. It's a total mess, and I can't wait to get some help.....
In the meantime, the next few days should be fun. We're hoping to go to the Isle of Wight tomorrow - on the hovercraft!!! (I've wanted to go on that for ages, lol).... Then Sunday will be lazy day, and Monday we will, hopefully be meeting up with J and her lovely lot and visiting Southsea Castle and having a picnic....can't wait. I'm going to make an effort not to worry. My plan is to relax, to enjoy this time and to let C help me out as much as possible. In theory, by doing this I should be able to dial down my stress levels and maybe this will carry on even after they've gone home.
In the meantime, I shall leave you all in peace.. :)
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