It's not that I don't want to blog.....it's just that sometimes, I get to the end of the day (which is when I normally blog) and it's all a bit too much.... I have all these thoughts in my head, and I don't know where to start.... Too much or too little information??? It's a dilemma..... There is also the fact that A point blank refuses to go to bed before I do....as I write this it's 00:05 and he's sat on the swirly chair, with Molly-cat, watching Road Wars.... Now I could try and make him go to bed, but frankly I've got better things to do than fight with him at this time of night...especially as I'll be going to bed once I've written this, he will go as well, and as it's the holidays, we don't have to be up early tomorrow (not to mention that it's Saturday..lol).. I know, I know...bad mum, I should make him go - and I would...but I'm learning to pick my battles... Fighting and battling to get him into bed at a 'decent' hour is not something I enjoy at the best of times, and so I'll only do it when it's absolutely necessary...i.e. when he has school the next day.... Right now, he's happily watching telly, yawning every so often and (more to the point) he's CALM...and that is what matters....
This week has been a much more settled and enjoyable week. A's dad has had the week off work, and so A has seen him every day. This is a good thing..in so many ways. Not only is the pressure taken off me, but A and P are having fun which means that A is happy. He loves his dad so much, and it's been hard for him to see him upset over the breakup with J. Being able to have time doing 'man' things (fixing the car) has done wonders for A's self esteem and it's helped me as well. I've been able to relax, and to get things done without A following me around. See, this is the thing with him at the moment, he's able to go and amuse himself, listening to music in his room - but he has to check on me every so often, regularly. If his dad is not around, then A wants to know where I am, and to be able to demand my attention when he thinks it's needed. If I don't respond as he thinks I should, then he will get angry and upset. At times I'm baffled, because he will claim that I've been rude to him, used the 'wrong' tone of voice, when I've actually no idea that I'd done so...I'll begin to doubt myself at times, he's that vehement about it. So yeah, having his dad around has helped. It's quite funny really, P and I began as friends, and I'd say we're as close to being friends again as we're ever going to be...but it's nice...we have a history, and we have a child together and I'd far rather be friends than hate each other... He's taking A up to visit his parents next week, something A is very excited about as grandparents can always be counted upon to make bacon sandwiches, dish out 'extra' pocket money and generally spoil him as only a grandparent can.... I look forward to receiving back one over excited, over baconed (is that a word?), child who is richer than I am....lol
A and I went for a bike ride yesterday.....it was fun.... We were silly, and giggled and went 'wheeeeeeee' whenever we went down anything which vaguely resembled a hill (we got some strange looks as we went over a bridge in Hilsea but we didn't care...)....then we had to wrestle my bike through a kissing gate...ummm yeah, that was interesting...but we made it....and it was good....we laughed at each other, and for once there was no angst or fighting....a rare peace which I enjoyed....
I'm enjoying myself, plowing through a pile of library books and generally chilling out.. Housework has to be done (it's amazing how quickly the house gets messy with a 12 year old in residence), but the books are always there waiting for me.... A likes to know what I'm reading, and at times I can discuss it with him...he's taken to reading comic books, and my favourite times are when we're both curled up on the sofa, with the telly off, the cats snoozing, and we're both reading a book..it's peaceful and calm and there's not been enough of that recently....
I'd love to say that things are all sorted, and that we're ok...but I know that, although things are better, they're not solved. Outbursts still occur, and my anxiety is still there... However, I'm grateful for the improvements and the peaceful times....and I'm trying not to worry about what may happen once school starts again....
Now, you may remember that I mentioned a little boy called Mitchell Huth a few weeks ago...at that time his parents, and supporters, thought that Mitchell would be earning his angel wings imminently...however Mitchell surprised everybody, including the doctors, and has been spending precious time with his family over the last few weeks....sadly, and despite everyone's hopes, it seems that this time is now coming to an end, and that Mitchell does not have long to live....I can't imagine what his parents are going through, and it's heartbreaking that another little life is being lost to that horrible disease, cancer.... Please hold Mitchell, his parents, family, friends and supporters in your thoughts....
It doesn't end there though, as I've been following the story of Wash and Tashi (www.savewash.com)... Tashi is amazing, she cares for Wash and I can't imagine how heartbreaking and difficult it is for her.....sometimes reading her blog reduces me to tears, and I'm in awe of her (and Wash) because I don't know if I could deal with something so crappy, with as much grace and dignity as they have.....if you can spare a moment to read the blog (http://washandtashi.blogspot.co.uk/) or visit the website (as above) then please do so.... I so wish that I lived closer (yeah, they live in the USA), so that I could go and be there for them...since I can't, I resort to words on FB...which seem kinda useless under the circumstances, but which are all I have so I keep on doing it....
And finally, I'd like to talk about Kin, who is the daughter of a FB friend. Kin has ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) and is currently in hospital with some horrible, worrying symptoms...so far this has been put down to toxicity from the chemo drugs (can you imagine what that does to a parent, hearing those words...I don't know how B does it, she's a mama bear for her daughter)...but there's still concern... I read the words B puts on FB, and my heart breaks for her...Kin is A's age....she's a gorgeous, almost teen who should be worrying about boys and clothes and all that stuff, not having to have toxic drugs infused into her in order to save her life....ugh I hate cancer so much.... it makes me all sweary and stabby....especially when kids are involved... I also feel for B, so much....as a parent you'd do anything to take your kids pain away, and when you can't, when you're their only advocate and yet there's nothing you can do...oh how horrible that is...so again, I ask, please hold B and Kin in your thoughts....
There's a reason why I've mentioned all these people; it's because I know I can get so caught up in what's wrong with me, with A, with everything concerning us..and it doesn't hurt to be reminded that I'm not the centre of the world... (I know, shocking isn't it)... All of these people, in their own way, have helped me....despite their own pain... I've been so fortunate in the friends I've made, both on FB and IRL... Sometimes, it's good to just stop, and take stock, to realise the good things we have....before marching on and kicking butt on all the crap in our lives....
ok, enough from me now.. I need to go and sleep....
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