oooh it's been a while since I posted..............

Hey there, yes I'm back...been a while I know but there's been this little thing called Christmas which has kinda distracted me for a bit..... Speaking of Christmas, I hope you all had a wonderful time, and were thoroughly spoilt...

So, pre-Christmas for me was pretty much all about the coughing and the gunk..yes, I caught the lurgy which is doing the rounds and it wasn't fun.... Last week was, in fact, a pretty crappy week (apart from Friday).... Wednesday saw me seemingly lose all the photo's on my laptop (although they made a miraculous return several days later - it's still puzzling me although I'm so relieved not to have lost them completely - lesson learnt - backing up is vital..)... and then I started to feel really ill as I was wrapping the Christmas presents...normally that's something I love doing but what with thinking I'd lost my photo's and feeling as though I had an iron band clamped round my chest, I didn't have so much fun this time. In fact it wasn't until Friday, when A had a half day at school and we spent the afternoon watching Christmas films (Muppet Christmas Carol, Polar Express and Elf), that I started to cheer up... spending time with A, nice time, not fighting, is so lovely and those 3 films are our traditional Christmas viewing...I'm wondering if it's worrying that I know so much of Muppet Christmas Carol off by heart?? lol...

Saturday was spent resting, and worrying that my illness would prevent me going to see my friend for Christmas...her sister is very vulnerable to illnesses and I'd never have forgiven myself if I'd passed it on to her... Fortunately I did start to feel better, and so on Sunday morning I set off to Reading where I was met by C's dad and my god-daughter (who was looking so very grown up - it's scary)... It's always good to be at C's, it's like being at home and I can relax..... Sunday evening saw us all at the Salvation Army carol service, which was lovely.....there's something essentially Christmassy about the SA band, and the singers were amazing....the little ones did a lovely nativity play (although I still say that the donkey bore more resemblance to a rabbit than anything else)... it was a really nice way to ease into the Christmas week, and C's dads running commentary was very amusing....

Christmas Eve was a pajama day, involving hot chocolate, marshmallows and silly telly....the girls are big fans of Moshi Monsters and so my ears were assaulted by the 'songs' these little creatures have made....it's scary how involved toys are these days - they all have their own albums..weird.... It's a good job I love the girls because having to listen to Moshis, Justin Bieber and One Direction in one day was almost more than I could take....lol

And so to Christmas Day, which was spent with C's family.....I'm very fortunate because they include me as a member of the family, and it's so lovely. Not to mention the fact that C's mum cooks the most delicious dinner.... I'm not sure I could have had a nicer Christmas day to be honest, because just chilling out, watching the kids playing, and L, C's sister, doing her jigsaws, whilst a cheesy film was playing on the TV, was great. I did feel very relaxed, and for me that's a huge treat.... Boxing Day was more of the same; gorgeous food, chilling out with lovely people and feeling relaxed.

Then yesterday I came home, and although it's lovely to be back, and it was great to see A again (even the cats were pleased to see me), I've been feeling very down and blah.... I'm not quite sure why. It may be just a post-Christmas reaction, or it could be because I didn't sleep very well last night. But for whatever reason I'm not great right now, and to make matters worse, the fact that I'm feeling so bad is making me feel bad...yes, really.... I've really missed writing my blog, but I've held off doing so because I really didn't just want it to be one long whine about how crap things are...for one thing I'm well aware that other people have things way worse than I do, and for another it just felt wrong... Maybe if I'd blogged I'd have felt better, but it's hard to say.... The problem is that when I feel like this I often can't pinpoint a reason as to why I feel this way; which means that I struggle to fix it. Then I feel frustrated and angry with myself for feeling like this without justification, (coming back to my earlier point about knowing others who are worse off), and so it goes in a spiral of feel crap-beat self up-feel crap ad infinitum.... The churny feeling is back in my stomach, and the lump is back in my throat....I feel as though I want to cry but I don't really, although maybe I should listen to some sad music and make myself cry, maybe it would help, I don't know.... I don't want to feel like this, I want to look forward to things, to think of what I have planned for tomorrow and to be happy, rather than to just want to go to bed and stay there.... I think part of it is the fact that, as always, after Christmas January is a long month on little money and I'm already feeling the pressure.... I love Christmas, especially choosing and giving presents....but it's becoming harder and harder to do this on a limited budget and whilst I don't mind making sacrifices in order to do so, it's still hard when the whole month is squeaky bum time, rather that just a few days. It's especially hard now because I've made such an effort and been such a good girl about paying my bills and staying in my budget, up till now....

January will also bring the deadline for the first chapter of my dissertation, as well as more doctors appointments and (hopefully) the first of my counselling appointments...so that's a LOT of things happening and I have to be honest, I am experiencing anxiety about it all... Getting over the first hurdle of starting the chapter will be the hardest part, once I've done that I'm sure I'll be ok...I'm just having a crisis of confidence at the moment....fingers crossed that I can overcome it and make a start next week.... A still has a week off school, and on Tuesday we travel to Romsey for the annual Parker family gathering (my mum's side of the family) - always a good laugh, great to see everyone again and this year even my brother is going to be there...which is a minor miracle....lol.... so I'm looking forward to that.... In the meantime, I'm going to try and get myself out of this funk.....I don't know how, but I'll do my best....

still knackered.....lol

So I just realised that I hadn't blogged for a while.....sorry about that.... Things have been a bit manic here and I'm so tired I've been falling asleep on the sofa at night....classy eh? Anyway, I remembered tonight, yay me, and so here I am....don't all cheer at once.... :)

The last week has been so busy, but in a good way.... Friday night saw me baby-sitting for J and L, although I think that E and A would object to being referred to as 'babies', come to think of it N probably would as well....lol... I love to spend time with J, L and their kids....it's always so much fun, although being pee'd on wasn't the highlight of the evening..the trouble is that now A is all grown up (ha) I forget that little ones should *always* be taken to the toilet, even when they say they don't need to go...yeah, learnt that lesson....but N is so cute that I forgave him immediately...

Saturday saw A and I traveling to Farnborough where we were picked up by our lovely friend A, to begin our trip to Scunthorpe for the Jack's Army Christmas meal.... it was a long journey, featuring traffic jams on the m25 (so not surprising) and the m1. It wasn't too bad tho, although I did get a bit confused, and thus we got lost, once we arrived in Scunthorpe. We made it to J's house, and were promptly mobbed by Rosie the dog...totally the cutest puppy and so welcoming.... It was so good to see J and her family again, and for A to meet them for the first time. Such a lovely welcoming place to be.... The meal was lovely, and it was great to see Jack's 'mahoosive extended family' again....such a shame that not everyone could be there... We laughed and remembered Jack, and I loved seeing Jack's family smiling and laughing....we know that the pain doesn't go away, but Jack's Army is, and always will be, there for them, seeing them smile is brilliant.... Jack remains in so many people's hearts, always loved and remembered.. Each time a picture of Jack is posted on Facebook I decide that it's my favourite (and I know I'm not the only one), and each time I see his smile, I smile too.... This Christmas I'll be thinking of Jack, and of his family, and remembering the brave li'l BIG man who captured my heart, and whose bravery inspires me every single day....

Sunday saw us travelling back down south, but not until we'd had a delicious roast dinner cooked by J, and had spent time chilling out....it was such a great time, and neither of us wanted to leave.... I'm so very grateful to A, for driving us there and back, and to J for letting us stay....we'll be back...don't say we haven't warned you... ;)

After all the traveling and late nights/early mornings of the last week, I was totally exhausted yesterday... I had a hospital appointment but cancelled it, as I just couldn't face getting there and dealing with the discomfort involved. I know I still have to have the test done, but putting it off until the New Year seems to be the right decision. I did, however, spend the day cleaning and tidying the house - I even washed the hall floor - woohoo... So it wasn't all bad...

Emotionally I'm very up and down at the moment, sometimes totally convinced that I've upset people, or said the wrong thing, sometimes just so tired that I want to hide in bed, sometimes on an even keel which then leads to a feeling that the rest of the time I'm failing at life....so yeah, totally screwy is probably the technical term. I'm not totally down (not at the moment anyway) and I'm looking forward to Christmas, but day to day stuff is still a struggle.

Weirdly, and annoyingly, whenever I speak to someone about how I feel, or what's been happening, once the initial 'relief' has passed, I actually feel worse, and I've noticed that this is getting worse. Today, for example, Sarah from MABS (multi-agency behavioural services) came over. She is working with us, specifically A and I, in order to try and sort out his behaviour and get him back on track. This means that she talks to me in detail, as she needs to cover all bases and be aware of everything which is going on in A's life. Today I opened up to her about some really personal stuff, information which not many people know...and although it was a relief to tell her, and to discuss it with her, once she had gone I felt dreadful... I've noticed this before, i.e. feeling bad after a CBT appointment, or even after I've talked to my mum. This isn't anything to do with those I'm talking to, it's not their fault at all...they're being lovely, sympathetic, caring etc., but for some reason, and probably not surprisingly, talking stirs up feelings and makes things tricky for a while. I'm now beginning to be concerned about the counselling which is due to start in January, and am hoping that I'll be able to cope with it ok... We shall see....

Tomorrow I'm planning on making a start on the first chapter of my MA dissertation...scary...but it has to be done... actually I'm kinda looking forward to it, as well as being scared...it's the first step towards completing this last stage of my MA and I'm keen to get writing.... I just hope that the long break since I last wrote (academically anyway) won't hamper my efforts... Then I plan to spend the evening wrapping Christmas presents (and probably wrestling with the cats as they try to join in...lol)..... I do enjoy sorting and wrapping presents, although it's at this point that I normally discover I've forgotten to buy one or two gifts...at least I should have time to go and buy them

So, with that, I shall leave you with this gorgeous pic of Jackamo....

Sleep needed

So things have been slightly crazy around recently...but I can tell that you're not surprised by that...lol.... I'm still not sleeping very well at night, and so Sunday was spent lazing in bed, dozing and listening to the football on the radio......and texting my friend C, who had suddenly developed a resemblance to the elephant man due to a vicious abscess in her jaw... She, poor girl, spent most of Sunday trailing from the emergency dentist to the Royal Berks Hospital and then up to John Radcliffe...where she was stabbed with needles and put on a drip which contained lots of lovely drugs.... As soon as it was clear that she was in real trouble, and would have to have an operation I made arrangements to go and be with her (would like to say a huge thank you to my parents for helping make that happen, you guys rock).. She was on her own, and (as I would have been) scared about having an op... So instead of meeting up for lunch with friends on Monday, and working on my dissertation chapter plan, I was instead getting the train to Oxford. And promptly getting lost once I arrived..Memo to Oxford tourist office, your map is, how can I put this, USELESS!! Seriously, it was like reading spaghetti when you've taken hallucinogenic drugs, (not that I've ever done that)... As you can imagine, I was pretty stressed out but I'm pleased to say that I coped, I didn't lose it and I did find my way to the correct bus stop eventually (after a pit stop in Maccy D's - hey I was hungry ok, not that it was worth £3...ah well)....

John Radcliffe hospital (for those of you who haven't been there, which I hadn't prior to Monday), is HUGE....and like a rabbit warren...and the lifts have a nasty habit of bypassing whichever floor has the most people waiting for the lift to stop...lol... yeah, finding my way to C's ward was interesting...but I made it.. And I have to say that the building, signposts and lifts are rubbish but the staff, at least on ward 6f, were amazing. C's nurse was called Katie and she was so lovely....to me as well as to C... I got there in time to walk down with C when she was taken to surgery, and then I spent the next 2 and 1/2 hours worrying...part of it on my own, part of it with C's dad...it took longer than we'd both thought it would and it was horrible. C is a sister to me, we've been friends for over 20 years (so makes me feel old saying that), we are god-mum to each others children, and we plan on being mad old cat ladies together when we grow up....even tho I knew that this op wasn't a big, serious one, it was still hard during that wait.

Mind you, her dad and I managed to entertain, or maybe shock the 3 other ladies on the ward, when we had a discussion about my MA dissertation topic...I tried to keep my voice down, C's dad, not so much.. and given that my topic covers the contagious diseases acts of the 19th century, this meant that they were treated to comments about prostitutes, VD, and whether or not the Victorians truly understood the difference between gonorrhea and syphilis....oh yeah...did make me giggle.... C eventually came back, groggy and in pain but with noticeably less swelling....I was so relieved, altho when they had to put her on oxygen (a fairly high amount as well) I was scared again...

By this point Katie (C's nurse) was 12 hours into a 13 hour shift!!!!! And she was still smiling, still cheerful, still happy to talk to each and every one of the patients including the elderly lady with dementia who was repetitive and upset...Katie was so compassionate and showed absolutely no desire to throw me out of the window when I started making silly jokes to cover up how upset I was about C.... Me, after that many hours, I'd be knackered, in pain and fed up....so Katie (and her colleagues) are amazing in my eyes.... She ended up doing nearly 14 hours before she left, because she was so intent on making certain all the patients she was caring for were happy, knew who was taking over from her and had had everything done that she'd promised, even if it was simply finding a menu sheet.... I have to admit I felt a bit ashamed of myself as I watched her, because I couldn't do her job, let alone do it with the cheer and good will which she showed, and even less so at the end of a 13 hour day..... In my, not so, humble opinion the nurses are under-appreciated and under-paid.... Yesterday they helped make things easier, not just for C, but for her dad and for me. They let me stay past the end of visiting hours, they kept us informed, they were kind and caring to everyone, not just the patients... Now if only they could removed the hideous bright pink curtains (the men's ward had blue ones - gender stereotyping anyone?) which were, sadly, everywhere and rather headache inducing...

Talking headaches brings me to my journey home...first of all a fight for a taxi - apparently the automated system doesn't work so well when there are three separate requests for a cab from the same place..oops - then an eye-watering fare (£9!!!)....having said that the actual train journey wasn't too bad...well the first one wasn't, but the train from Guildford to Portsmouth had originated in London and was thus full of drunk people; drunk people who had, and I apologise to those of you with delicate constitutions, lost their ability to use the toilet properly....thus when I went in it was, not to put to fine a point on it, disgusting....no more details but suffice it to say that I washed my trainers when I got home, and had pushed my jeans up to my knees when I went in.... Seriously wonder what goes through people's minds sometimes..it's not rocket science and even if the train moves it's not tricky to use a loo....unless you're a drunken moron of course....

Finally arriving home at gone midnight, I was greeted by 4 cats, all doing a great impression of a starving animal who has forgotten what food looks like....I wasn't fooled, I'd fed them this morning and they had dried food left - nevertheless, and to stop them meowing, I fed them more dried food which they fell on as tho they'd not eaten for a week (again, trust me, they have)...why do they do that? Weird creatures....

Today has been spent trying to do some Uni work in between collapsing with sheer exhaustion..I'm pleased to say that I've managed to (at the last minute) do my chapter plan for my first dissertation chapter - just in time for my meeting with supervisor tomorrow morning...last minute work - it's the future...lol....

So that's been me, folks.... I've coped with what would normally be a very stressful situation, but I've also been worried sick about my friend...so it appears that the way to get through stressful situations, such as getting lost, is to be worried about someone else....hmmm...not sure that will catch on to be honest... But in all seriousness, yesterday was a mix of the good (getting to see C) and the bad (worrying about her)... I wouldn't have been anywhere else, there was no chance I was leaving her in hospital on her own, and I'm so glad I went up...I'd have been more worried if I'd stayed at home...but it brought home to me just how much I've relied on her (along with my parents) to keep me going....she understands, and even if it's just via text, she can help me to feel better....I'm spending Christmas with her family, who are like a second family to me...the comfort that gives me is huge...I have somewhere, which is a safe place for me, where I can go and enjoy Christmas...it's not that I'd be alone if I didn't have C, but I love being with her daughters and I get to enjoy Christmas through the kids, even tho A will be with his dad... So yesterday was scary, because she was really sick, and although I'm sure there was no real danger, I was scared.... It's easy to hide that behind jokes, but when I left it did hit me and I didn't really want to go home.... I'm glad to say that she's ok, and was discharged today.... which is a huge relief - to her as well I'm sure ;)

Right, I have to go to bed now...tomorrow brings a day of having a humiliating medical procedure, followed by a meeting with my dissertation supervisor...although only the first one really bothers me....and then I get to have lunch with J, so it could be worse.... More to the point I need sleep... *yawn* Night all....

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk

So, did you miss me? Did you? Did you? Ah but of course you did...in between enjoying the blessed peace and quiet, and catching up on all those things you'd been meaning to do, but had put off so as to read my blog - you know, like feeding the kids, grooming the cat, doing your nails, cleaning the house....haha

But yes...I *finally* have my laptop back.....talk about first world problems - my laptop was in the shop being repaired for two weeks and I hated every day of it...I didn't realise quite how much I use my laptop until I didn't have it....my phone was about the only thing which kept me from climbing the walls....but I couldn't blog from it, too tricky, and I really really missed blogging... It was lovely to be contacted by people who'd noticed that I'd not blogged for a while, who wanted to know if I was ok and who said they missed the blog....that's balm to a crazy girl's soul that is.....

Aaaannnnyyyywayyyyyyyy....................I'm not going to detail everything which has happened since I last blogged (stop cheering so loud, lol).... It's been, not surprisingly, a very up and down couple of weeks.... Generally speaking I've been on a fairly even keel, albeit a very low and blah keel...but even nonetheless.... A has been fantastic, well at home anyway....I've been opening up a bit more to him about my illness, and far from scaring him, he seems to be responding well...he's been very caring, and has certainly behaved better for me. School, however, is another matter....although he didn't get into any trouble this week.....because he was off sick all week...sigh...but yes, I received a letter today stating that he is now being put into IE on Wednesday for the day because he swore at two teachers (which I knew he'd done) and also for selling fizzy drinks at school (which I didn't know about, and am totally baffled by)....I'm sure I shall be enlightened but for now, it's a puzzle.... Fingers crossed he will go into school ok on Monday because he really hates it at the moment... He's been poorly this week, but he was so happy that he didn't have to go to school....

For me things have been, as I said, fairly even. I've had a few moments of meltdown, which have been resolved by losing myself in a book.... I've also been back and forward to the doctors about various things, and am beginning to find it hard to sit in the waiting room without twitching.. I've been signed off till the middle of January, which is a relief, because I can look forward to Christmas without worrying about JSA or looking for a job... I'm still feeling very low, and having frequent anxiety attacks..interestingly I think that the reason this week hasn't been too bad was that because I had to stay with Aiden, I didn't have to go out too much....so there wasn't as much pressure on me.... My dreams are still very vivid, however, probably due to a combination of all the anxiety and the medication I'm on (venlafaxine side effects include intense/vivid dreams...)... this means that I'm waking several times at night, and am feeling scared and edgy during the day...again, I can distract myself but it's exhausting.....

I'm sticking to the diet tho, although exercise has been a bit hit and miss recently....I have an advent calendar (well I have to, ok) but I keep forgetting to open it, and only do so when A threatens to eat my chocolate as well as his....so right now, I'm not craving chocolate (Tesco's lemon yoghurt however is another matter...that with meringue = nom nom nom....) I'm pretty sure that I will eat waaay too much over Christmas tho...I'm heading to my friend C's house, and we will be going, along with my god-daughters, to her parents for Christmas day and Boxing day...now C's mum cooks the most amazing roast dinners...and I shall have two, one on Christmas day and one on Boxing day, not to mention the buffet teas and cake... *mouth waters* .. I love C's family, they're like another family to me and as A will be with his dad this year, it is fab that I can go there and be absorbed into their family Christmas.....I think they'll have to roll me onto the train when I leave tho...all that food....lol

Speaking of Christmas, I'm actually looking forward to it....there's still the worry over money (buying presents makes things tighter than normal), but I so love buying and giving presents that I'm managing not to panic too much.... A and I decorated the tree this week..it's gone up early because we're apart at Christmas so we wanted to make it last as long as possible.....

I do love it when the tree goes up....It always looks so cheerful, bright and sparkly... plus it confuses the cats and that makes me giggle... Purdy has already knocked several baubles off and chased them round the room, she also seems to love sitting under the tree...there aren't any pressies under there yet, and I'm mildly concerned about what she'll do when I put them there....could be interesting..... 

This time next week A and I will be in Scunthorpe, for the Jack's Army Christmas meal....cannot wait... so excited to be seeing people again, although I'm gutted that some of the lovelies can't make it (you know who you are... I shall miss you).... A is really excited as he's not been to a Jack's Army 'event' before, and he is counting the days until we go...am so grateful to my friend A for driving us up there (and for sorting out the train tickets to her place) and to the lovely J who is opening her b&b again so that A and I can stay with her.... Jack is still my hero and inspiration..every single day I see his smiley face and I remind myself that he went through so much, and he smiled...so I can go through what I'm dealing with, and smile as well...Jack stops me from getting too low, from feeling too sorry for myself, he reminds me there is always something which will make you smile, or distract you, and that each of us is stronger than we think we are.... I still miss him all the time, I so wish that we were still getting daily updates and pics from his mum, and that he was still there with his family, they are so amazing, and they also are inspiring to me.... 

So there you go...I'm back....It's good to be back blogging again....Now I've got to start working on the first chapter of my dissertation....even though I'm really anxious about it, I'm going to make myself get on with it...I'm learning to live with the anxiety, to force through it (if I can) and to take time out when I can't....it's not easy, and I'm so grateful to all my amazing family and friends, who have been so supportive and caring.... You all rock...