It's a nice day for a white wedding..............

Today has been a lovely day.... A and I went to my cousin's wedding, and we had a lovely time.... Was just a pity that we had to leave early and miss the speeches.... I can't believe that Matt, who's nappy I changed (I remember him being born), is now married...makes me feel very old... Kate looked gorgeous....her dress was stunning and I don't think either of them stopped smiling all day..... I particularly loved the way they high-fived each other after signing the register, and the DVD they'd put together to play at the end of the service. So much thought had gone into the wedding, but most of all it was clear to see just how happy they are together. I'm so pleased for them both....

The happy couple :)

It was kinda bittersweet sitting and listening to them make their vows, and to the sermon as well - made me remember when I married A's dad, how hopeful we'd been...yes, it made me sad to think about how it hadn't worked out and there's definitely a lot of regret there... 

The day itself was lovely, I got to see my cousins and to catch up with what's going on with them. We see each other every Christmas, so today was a nice bonus.. My mum has two brothers, and a sister - although sadly my Aunt passed away in 2001 - and I have 7 cousins on that side....I'm the second oldest, and Matt (who married today) is the second youngest...his brother Tim is the youngest... I remember my Uncle John marrying Sheila (Matt and Tim's parents), I was about 10 then I think...now Matt is married...time passes so fast...

Whilst we were waiting for the happy couple to have all their pictures taken, they had kindly provided cupcakes....all I can say is YUM YUM YUM.... they were delicious, and best of all some of them had purple icing....

I only had one cake though, and was very restrained, despite being encouraged to have another.....mind you, this was my pudding............

Belgian Choc and Caramel - millionaires shortbread

So I had some treats today, but I've been so good recently....mind you looking at the pictures of me today I still look ENORMOUS!!!!! Even though people say they can see a difference.....I'm just hoping that the old saying that the camera adds lb's is true....plus I realise that this is a long process. I was able to wear a skirt today which hadn't fitted me before, so I know that I'm losing weight and I just have to keep believing and continue the diet and exercise....

I'm totally shattered now, today was exhausting even though it was so much fun.... I've come home, got my pj's on and am watching Murray play at Wimbledon...a nice way to relax as I'm happy if he wins but not too fussed if he doesn't.....

Hope you've all had a lovely Saturday :) 

It's Friday :))))))) .............

And what a nice day it has been today..... Last night wasn't great. I caught A doing something naughty and unfortunately that led to another long, stressful stand off... In the end I just went to bed and left A to it - he fell asleep on the sofa...not ideal but at least sleep was involved for both of us....and this morning he was calm, apologetic and went to school without any problems....for which I was very grateful... It is hard to explain to people, even when they know what's going on and may even have witnessed part of it, just how emotionally and physically exhausting it is dealing with a child who takes disobedience and rudeness to the next level.  It's like a particularly unpleasant roller coaster...well the ups are great but the downs can be awful and depressing...and what makes it worse is that I can't just walk away, as you would in any other situation... He's my son, I love him and I want to help him... 

Equally, I often won't talk about what happens because I still want to protect A, I don't want people looking at him differently, thinking he's horrible or whatever - yes his behaviour is appalling at times but my maternal protectiveness kicks in and when I think that people may think badly of him, however justified that my be, it makes my stomach twist... I know that it's not just about him, or me...there are others (my parents for example) who are badly affected - what must it be like for them to have to hear me upset on the phone, or read the texts about what's happening? When I think about that I want to cry. I love Aiden, always, bad behaviour or not....yes it's a lot easier when he's calm and being good but even when he's behaving badly and as though he hates me, I still love him...I just want him to stop behaving badly. 

In related news I spoke to the doctor today - it appears as though there has been some miscommunication because instead of getting an agreement to refer A to the next level of Camhs, instead he got upset with A's old Camhs worker who had asked me to ring...he kept quoting her last letter in which she'd said she'd see him again, and told me that he wasn't happy that she was telling me to ring him instead.. When I texted her she advised me that she will ring the doc and let him know that he will have to refer as she can't help A any more.. Frankly, and I know that both she and the doc are doing their best, all I want is for someone to sort this out and help A (and help me) before things get any worse... 

Anyway, at least he went to school without protest today... Which meant that I was able to have a lovely time with J and her son N - who is adorable and has the most beautiful blond curls (is it wrong to be jealous of a 2 year old?? lol)... N takes things I say very literally - once I asked him if he had ants in his pants, he looked at me as though I was mad (smart kid) and took his pants off and showed me "look no ants"....umm yes, I really should learn my lesson....sadly there were two further occasions today when I managed to get the 'adults are stupid' look from him....bless him... He does give lovely cuddles... It was also nice to have a chat with J, she has been fabulously supportive over the last few weeks and has agreed that if A feels the need, he can go to her house so at least we know he is safe (as opposed to being anywhere in Portsmouth). 

When they left I had a lovely afternoon nap - I'm so very tired at the moment because of everything which has happened this week...so it was lovely to wrap myself up in a blanket and curl up on the sofa and sink into a sleep...A was out with his friends and when I woke up I felt so much better.... I think those countries who have an afternoon siesta have the right idea, it's so nice to be able to doze off and wake feeling refreshed... 

Speaking of sleep, an early night will be in order tonight as A and I have to be up early (well early for a Saturday anyway) tomorrow as we have a wedding to go to. I can't wait. Mind you, I had a bit of a clothing crisis today.... The good thing is that I can fit into the dress, the not so good thing is that it's still too tight to wear without looking pregnant...so I've found (with J's help) another outfit to wear... I also discovered that A doesn't have any smart trousers...he's insistent that he wants to wear his skinny jeans - am not sure that they are wedding attire but I'll be honest - it's not worth a fight and my family aren't the type to stress over that stuff....If the worst comes to the worst I'll hopefully be able to enlist my mum to help and maybe find a shop in Worthing when we get there - the train gets in early enough that a shopping trip is possible... We'll see....

Right, time for me to go and catch up on A's day and how he is..... :)

Outlook: Improving ...........

Well......here we are again.... I do hope that your week has been better than mine..... At least the sun is shining... :D

In all seriousness, today hasn't been too bad. Well, eventually it wasn't too bad.... Unfortunately A did not want to get out of bed, or go to school this morning...So I had to spend several hours attempting to, ahem, change his mind. A combination of nagging (I'm good at that, or so I'm told) and the threat that a friend would come round and take him in even if he was only wearing his pj's, did the trick. Which was nice. All I could think was that it was a good job that I'd decided to cancel my planned visit to Winchester. 

From then on, though, the day did get better. My friend J and I decided to cycle into town together as we both needed to visit the record office/archive at the library. I see that the weather in the Midlands wasn't great today, well here in Portsmouth it was hot and muggy.....so cycling was fun.... What was really good was seeing the legend that is JT when we were in the library.... History students at Portsmouth will know who I mean...JT is James Thomas, he is a wonderful man and an amazing lecturer....proper old school style teacher, one who really cares about his students, and who is a genuinely kind person with it. J spotted him, doing some research so we tiptoed over (sort of) and had a lovely chat....he's offered to help me decipher the 19th century handwriting which I've been struggling with....as I said, lovely lovely man. He taught me one of my favourite option units in the second year - Rum, Sodomy and the Lash, which was all about pirates....oh yes.... Who said history was boring? Lol .... JT is, as I said, a total legend, much loved and revered by students... When I graduated last year he was announcing the names of students as they stepped onto the stage and just before I was due to go on he looked across at me and winked...made me smile, relax and forget about falling over on stage...(I didn't fall over, for the record). 

J then insisted on buying me lunch - ham, egg and chips...not the most diet-orientated meal but delicious and just what I needed...I came home feeling much better, mentally if not physically, and have made the decision to take the next few days off in terms of Uni work. This week has been so very stressful and I'm feeling under the weather...I'm pretty sure that it's just the combination of stress and tiredness but as one of my friends commented on a Facebook post, I need to look after myself. My cousin is getting married on Saturday so I was already taking that day off....The thought of just being able to read for pleasure, watch Wimbledon and relax for a few days makes me smile. So I'm going to do it. J is coming over tomorrow with her son N, who is adorable and gives the best cuddles - he doesn't even mind that I thought he had a crocodile on his t-shirt when it was actually a dinosaur - yes I'm a silly grown up but he still likes me...which is nice.. He's looking forward to meeting the cats tomorrow...I'm looking forward to watching that meeting and hopefully getting some pictures....

A is home from his friends house now, and seems calm. I've had a chat with a couple of important people today and plans are in hand for further action and investigations to take place. Clearly help is needed, and things need to be ruled out (or in) regarding what is happening. I'm very fortunate that I've got the lovely Sarah on my side with regard to the next move, and I'm hoping that her recommendations will be acted upon. We will see. It's a very difficult situation, because we need to be sure that we're not jumping to conclusions based on our own need to have a solution/explanation for his behaviour. We will see.....in the mean time, a big thank you to everyone who has helped and supported us.....it's made all the difference...

I'm very much looking forward to Saturday - I do love a good wedding.... It's going to be weird though, because I remember my cousin M being born and now he's all grown up and getting married to the lovely K.... I get to see my parents at the wedding, and that's going to be awesome...am looking forward to cuddles with them - there's nothing like cuddles from your mum and dad to set the world to rights....

The diet and exercise are continuing well... I've had to be careful because I realised that the portion sizes were gradually getting bigger, so now I take extra care that I'm not being greedy. I've been told that the weight loss is noticeable...there's a dress which I want to wear for the wedding - tomorrow I'll find out whether or not I fit into it. I'm certainly feeling better, I've noticed that I'm walking faster and am not as out of breath as I used to be. I'm also finding it easier to cycle up hill and even though I've been very tired recently I've not been napping during the day...all of this is such a change and huge bonus. I've even managed to have the odd treat, a cookie for example, without a) feeling guilty or b) rushing out and eating a whole packet. Again, this is progress. I am trying to appreciate all the changes, because I want to keep going and the best way to do that is to note just what I'm gaining by doing this. The Race for Life is now just over 3 weeks away and I've gone from being concerned that I may not be able to do it (as I was a week or so ago) to being fairly confident that I'll be ok.... Obviously things could change but I'm hopeful. My knee is still painful but I'm finding that I can cope with it, and that I'm able to walk even though it does hurt.... 

Right, I need to go - the Italians are beating the Germans....and I've got a book to read and several cats to fuss.... Enjoy your evening :)

Dear Life, please stop dumping on me......

First of all, a huge thank you to everyone who read my last post and to those who have given support and advice...It's really much appreciated. It's really nice to be reminded that, unlike what some people would like to have me believe, being on JSA doesn't make me a second class citizen. The fact that the person at the job centre could so casually tell me to give up my MA still rankles. As does that fact that she informed me that I may/probably/possibly/could have to pay back my "undeserved" benefit...well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Am trying to be calm and collected about this. Even though I want to rage and scream and cry.... 

Anyway, am sorry for the absence of a post yesterday. I went to Winchester for a research trip and then when I got back I had to deal with A (more on that later). It was a tiring day yesterday. I spent several hours trying to decipher 19th century handwriting in the Minute Books of the Aldershot Board of Health - looking for any mention of prostitutes and/or the Contagious Diseases Act - ah I *love* research...lol.... I would have posted an example of the writing but as I took a picture one of the members of staff asked me in a loud and shocked voice "are you taking a photo", well, yes I was, I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to (the National Archives allow it without any problem)....Gosh, you'd have thought I was trying to deface the book - she was not happy....I felt as though I was a 5 year old being told off by a teacher...mind you once I saw the price of a photography permit I understood why she was so annoyed......£12.50!!!!! That's a nice little earner.... And yes, I know I'm accessing the archives for free, and that they need money to keep going BUT these records are donated for free, access is free (as it should be), and I don't know whether copyright  applies but I'd be surprised if it did. Anyway, I had an interesting day......not so much mention of my, um, topic - which did surprise me. Mind you, I'm pretty sure that I can work that lack of evidence into some form of argument within my dissertation.....I hope so anyway....

The last couple of days have been really tricky regarding A. I can't say much now, as I'm trying to process it all. Suffice it to say that there are some serious issues which need resolving and which I need to be on top of...Life is difficult at the moment, and I am so grateful for the support and help I've had from friends and family.... Right now I'm conscious of the fact that I have a dissertation to write, but I know that to do this I will need to be healthy (physically and mentally) and A's problems have to be in hand/under control. It's a messy situation at the moment in many ways, but I'm hopeful that it will be resolved and that things will be ok. I'm going to be taking professional advice over the next couple of days, let's hope that they're truly able to help us. 

Right, it's late here and I need to sleep....  I'm sorry this is so short but events have rather overtaken me. Things are calm now, and sleep will help..... thank you again for all your support, it is really appreciated...

So today sucked...........

Even for a Monday, today sucked hugely..... I'll warn you in advance that this may evolve into something of an emotional rant.... It started with the fact that A, who has asthma but hasn't had an attack for ages, developed a nasty cough over the weekend. By this morning he was coughing pretty much non stop and was wheezing as well.. As a typical teenage boy he's not keen on taking his inhaler - so it was a measure of just how bad he felt, that he took it without much hassle this morning and promptly went back to bed. I decided that he should stay home from school. However I had to sign on this morning, so off I went leaving him tucked up in bed and hoping that he would be ok. He had his mobile and I had mine, and he had his inhalers - although the wheeze had almost gone after he'd done them earlier..... and this is when the day really began to suck.....

I've been signing on for a year now, looking for a job whilst working towards my goal of becoming a university lecturer by getting an MA, and (hopefully) a PhD. Much as I would like to be able to devote my time to academia, I can't. I need a job. Whilst I was an undergrad I received loans and grants which allowed A and I to live - pay bills, buy food etc. - all rather important things I think you'll agree. However as a post grad student, I do not receive any funding. Once I finished uni I started looking for a job; I also requested to go onto JSA, making my situation clear to them. Being told I was eligible for JSA was a huge relief - it's not a massive amount of money but it means that we can eat and so on.  In September, when my MA started I went and told the people at the job-centre, explaining the situation to them and giving them copies of all the paperwork I'd been sent. I explained that being on the course would not change my need to find a job, or the hours I could work. This was all accepted and I carried on applying for jobs, being rejected or even being ignored for most, and working towards the MA. Over the next few months I had to explain my situation to different advisors - some of whom were convinced that I was getting funding but who accepted that I wasn't and didn't ask any further questions, some of whom were just interested in (and impressed by) what I was doing. They also asked for a letter from uni confirming the hours I attended. When the taught part of the course finished I advised the job centre that although the number of hours I could work had not changed, the hours I was available for work had; they duly amended my record, I signed a new form and things carried on....as in I applied for jobs, never heard anything back, and all the while I'm working on my MA. 

A couple of weeks ago I was called in to see my advisor; she told me I'd be going onto the work program (am pretty sure I blogged about that). However at the same time she asked me to fill out another form regarding my course. Looking back, I should have been suspicious but I'd filled this same form out 3 times already (they'd lost the first two), and when she said it was just because the taught part had finished I didn't think anything of it. I was, as always, honest when I filled it out (and they wonder why people lie? it must be so tempting when you get screwed over for telling the truth...) Less than a week later I received a letter saying that I probably wasn't eligible for JSA because I was a student. I'll be honest, I thought that they were just trying it on. After all, I'd been a student since September, I'd never lied to them, and I'd discussed it on so many occasions that I didn't see why they should suddenly start causing a problem now. How wrong I was. I requested a call from my advisor but apart from one missed call from a blocked number (which I don't answer anyway) and from which there was no message left, I didn't hear a thing. 

Which brings me to today....I turned up (early) at the job centre and was directed to a different area. Eventually I was called to see someone, and this is where it began to go wrong. She checked that I'd filled in my job search record (I had) and then went to sign me on. At which point I said to her that I didn't think I'd be getting any money as my claim had been suspended whilst they investigated it (interestingly it hasn't yet been suspended despite what the letter said). She then told me that she had tried to call me, and I explained that I'd missed the call and couldn't return it because I didn't know who it was. Apparently they aren't allowed to leave messages just in case the number doesn't belong to the person they're trying to contact...yet we're supposed to know it was them and ring them back...and as for her trying to get hold of me another time, well that's out of the question - once was enough and I should be grateful that she tried once. Yes she said that. I think I knew then that this wasn't going to end well. She then took great satisfaction in telling me that as far as she was concerned, I wasn't entitled to JSA. I still thought that this had to be a misunderstanding....

I was trying to explain my situation to her, that although the course was classified as FT it was only a few hours a week - only to be told (looking down her nose at me) that that didn't matter as it was THE LAW...hmmmm ok....so I explained (or tried to) that there is no difference in hours at uni per week between the full and part time MAs...and again she just repeated that it was THE LAW..... I was still confused (I know, I know) because genuinely this made no sense. Every time I tried to talk to her, and to ask her a question she just shouted over me that it was THE LAW that full time students can't collect JSA and that we should go to work if we need money - ummm right, so that's why I'm on JSA because I'm a job seeker. Did she think that if I weren't at uni or not getting JSA that I'd magically get a job? I wish...but no, it doesn't work like that (unless you're David Cameron or a clueless JSA advisor that is)... 

I'll be honest, I was getting more and more upset. Her attitude was horrible. She was patronising and just would not listen to me. She told me that it didn't matter how many times I repeated myself, it wouldn't change anything - despite the fact that the only reason I was repeating myself was because she kept talking over me. She also told me that she didn't care that I'd complied with everything required of me, that I'd applied for over 200 jobs, that without the JSA, A and I would struggle to eat and live, or that I'd never lied about my course to anyone. She accused me of lying when I told her that I'd been under the impression that because I had A, I was entitled to claim for JSA when others may not be. And then she accused me of stopping work because I was lazy, that I'd decided to "dump my job" and go to uni and now I expected the government to pay for me. She said that she'd love to be able to do the same. I just stared at her. Ok, she knows nothing about my situation but how dare she? How dare she accuse me of that... At that point, I gave up - I was in tears. She offered me a tissue (big of her) and when I refused she slammed the pen and paper down on the desk for me to sign....I managed to do that, and to get out of there before I totally fell apart... I stood outside, crying my eyes out, and rang my parents. I'm sure I was a total sight but I didn't care. I just felt so low. Eventually I made my way home, and managed so salvage something from the day. But I'm still feeling angry, upset, frustrated, humiliated and so many other emotions....

What she didn't know what that I worked from aged 18 to age 28, and that I only stopped working because I had to. I was suffering from severe depression and related anxiety - there were several times when I broke down at work, and eventually I was signed off sick. It took over two years before I felt well enough to even contemplate doing anything work or study related. I took a chance and signed up to the Access course. I'd always wanted to be a teacher, and the thought of being able to get a degree was the first thing (apart from family and friends) which had got me interested in anything for ages.. Since then I've achieved so much..but I still have depression and I always will do. Some days it's better than others. I'll be honest, the thought of going back to work scares me, work in an office that is. But I'd do it because I know that I need to work to support A. Even just thinking about it now is making me shaky, but it's not that simple is it.... And then to have her...saying that to me... I can't tell you how bad and disgusting and low I felt. I felt judged. I felt unworthy. I felt humiliated. Thinking about it now, I do again. The difference is that I know now that I'm not going to go under, that people are there for me and that they don't agree with her. So that's a good first step...

Mind you, the support I've had from family and friends has been amazing and has really helped. You know who you are, and I really appreciate it. I'm going to put a complaint in, and I'm going to write a statement to send along with the letter from the uni. It may not do any good but it will help me feel better. 

Ok, it was a long one tonight. Thank you for reading. Feel free to ask any questions, and I mean *any* ... I'm happy to answer......

Lazy day.....a really, really lazy day 

I've been really exhausted today. All that hard cycling yesterday definitely had an effect - I didn't ache as much as I thought I would (enough to notice though) but I was tired to the bone....Even having a lovely lie in until 10:30am didn't help, neither did going for a walk. By 3pm I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I gave in and had a lovely nap....now it's 9pm and I'm tired again. Mind you I did have a disturbed night last night, as not only did I have a bad dream but Purdy cat decided that 3am was the perfect time for me to wake up and play with her - when I didn't agree she spent the next 15 minutes alternating between 'batting' me on the face with her paw and sitting on my head....she repeated this at 5am as well.....it's a good job I love her...

In between Purdy's attentions I had a very unsettling dream, one which I've had before (or at least a variation of it) which has left me feeling jittery. I can't remember all of it, but what I do remember has an edge of menace to it which is probably why I feel so weirded out by it. Anyway, one good thing about having a nap this afternoon is that I had a bog standard, totally insane, dream which has left me puzzling over just why I'd dream about running in the Olympics.....answers on a postcard please (and no, I didn't win, an elderly lady did....see, I told you it was mad...lol)

I did make a total muppeT of myself today tho...I found a pair of leggings which I'd not worn for a while (long enough to forget why I don't wear them) and decided that as I was having a lazy day, I'd wear them.....which was fine, until I went for a walk....at which point I discovered just why I'd not worn them for while - they fall down! It's a good job I was wearing a tunic-style top which was long because otherwise I'd have been flashing my knickers to those lucky people on London Road.... The thing is, when you're out in public you can't just hoick the leggings up, because that would look so ridiculous and may lead to inadvertent flashing, so you have to subtly pull them up...which probably still looks ridiculous but has the advantage of not involving flashing people.... Sadly this subtle adjustment is short lived, which means it has to be done repeatedly.... Needless to say my walk was curtailed and I returned home, where I can, ahem, adjust myself to my hearts content....and where I'm sat down so much that I don't actually need to.... I will learn my lesson from this - there's *always* a reason why I don't wear items of clothing anymore (mind you that just prompts the question of why I've kept these items if I don't wear them.....I think it's a girl thing...lol)

Anyway, it's been nice to relax today but I'm planning on doing some more reading for Uni tomorrow.... A is at his dads this weekend so it's quiet......but that's no guarantee that I'll get work done...lol

Right, am off to watch the rest of Spain v France...... 

The rain in Aldershot falls mainly on.....me

Well....today was good....if very wet....and knackering....and frustrating at times...but overall - good 

First of all *drumroll* A went to school without any fuss.....phew...we'd had a little, um, chat last night and I'm hoping that what I said to him has sunk in sufficiently...we'll see. So, he went in ok and I still nearly missed my train, proving my mother's adage of 'more haste, less speed' to be accurate. Rushing around ensured that I nearly forgot my bike lock and my phone.... However, even though the wind tried (and almost succeeded) to blow me to a standstill I still managed to catch the train...yay for me. Taking the bike on the train was interesting. People seemed to think that I was doing something hugely unreasonable, despite the fact that the bike was in a designated area on a train which was nowhere near full. On arriving at Guildford I was amused (bemused?) to see hordes of hooray Henry's and their posh totty crowding onto the platform....of course, it's Ascot this week.... They weren't terribly impressed with my bike, I think they thought that I was going to ram them with it. I wasn't, being more interested in figuring out why they were drinking champagne - at Guildford Station of all places?? Needless to say the journey was punctuated by lots of braying laughter and posh voices discussing how they were going to spend all their lovely money on the horses.....me, jealous? ummmmmmmmm

So, anyway - eventually I arrived at the museum (Army Medical) at Keogh Barracks in Ash Vale. The people there were lovely, so helpful and friendly. I will be going back again and I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to take A to the museum, there were lots of lovely gruesome exhibits which I know he'll love...lol.... I spent a lovely couple of hours taking notes about incidences of VD in the Army and Navy during the 19th Century...all good stuff ;-)

Then things got interesting. I'm so skint that I decided to be a good girl, and not waste money on the £2.50 train fair from Ash Vale to Aldershot, I looked at the map and the directions and thought - I can cycle that...ha - famous last words.... Next time I'll sell something and raise the train fare because I'm NEVER doing that bike ride again..... It started off ok, nice roads, easy riding..then the hills began to show their ugly faces...and it started to rain....deep joy....then it became clear that Google maps doesn't know its left from its right nor, in fact, the difference between first and second, or even third... and did I mention that it was raining...oh and that the hills were getting steeper... I found myself riding on a private road, well I say road but 'rutted track' would be more accurate - and (I think I may have mentioned this) it was raining - so there were HUGE puddles and I was being bounced up and down as though I was on a bouncy castle.... Big thanks must go to the lorry drivers who sped past me (did they think it was a motorway), splattering me in mud.... Eventually I made my way onto a proper road, narrowly missing being squished by another speeding lorry.....when google maps struck again, sending me the wrong way - I was nearly in Farnborough before I figured it out.... Oh, and the hills - getting steeper and less fun all the time - even going downhill wasn't great - it just meant I'd have to go back up another one at some point.... The sun had come out at this point - so I was gently steaming as I rode along, much to the amusement of car drivers and pedestrians... Eventually I made it to the library where I was meeting a friend, A, for the first time..hmmm...interesting first impression I must have made - red in the face, perspiring and soaking wet/covered in mud...luckily she didn't run screaming and we had a lovely couple of hours chatting... I may have indulged in a bacon roll and a bit of tiffin and a cuppa, but after the ride from hell I figured I deserved it...  She'd also bought me a lovely pressie... (note the ladybird which is really special to Jack's Army members)

After saying goodbye to my friend I went back to the library where a quick visit was enough to tell me that I'd need at least one full day there in order to search their archives....so I decided to get to the station so that I could get home...at which point I looked outside and saw this......

Yes, that's my bike there - getting soaked (the seat still wasn't dry two hours later)... Fortunately the heavy rain didn't last long and I was able to get to the station without too much more hassle... A couple of hours later I was home, showered, in pj's and chilling on the sofa.... 

Yes I got soaked, yes I nearly cried on that horrible bike ride, and yes I got lost but I did it....and although I'll ache tomorrow it's another step on the road to getting fit and losing weight. So I'm smiling..

One thing which was tricky was that coming into Aldershot triggered an anxiety attack. Some of you will know that I used to live there, it's where I met A's dad and where we lived when A was born. That's not why I was anxious....before I met A's dad I was in a very destructive 'relationship' (I don't know what else to call it), the effects of which linger to this day. I've not been back to Aldershot since we left and I wasn't expecting the reaction I got. For a number of reasons the station seems to be a trigger - maybe because I did a lot of arriving/departing from there during the worst of times. However, I managed the attack. I did calm down, and the one when I arrived back at the station later wasn't as bad. it was just a reminder that no matter how strong we thing we are, sometimes unexpected things can trigger reactions. I'm prepared for the fact that I may have some disturbing dreams tonight, but I hope that I won't. The fact is that I'm a stronger person than I was, and that no matter what I don't have to be scared. I have amazing family and friends, and I won't let the past hurt me. It's difficult sometimes, but I'm getting there.

Right, enough from me.... I'm off to read and fuss the cats.....

ps - I wanted to get this ginger kitten (one of them anyway), ok let's face it I still want to get it but I won't.....sooo cute tho

There's a smile on my face......

Which given the start to my day is actually very surprising....but there you go.... See it started off with A refusing to go to school. Again. That's 4 out of 4 days this week...I just hope we don't get the full set. Really, that's something I can live without. Especially as I'm off to Aldershot for a research trip tomorrow..and getting to meet another member of Jack's Army for the first time as well..... fingers crossed that A behaves himself. He did go in eventually but not before totally stressing me out, and making my anxiety levels rocket... I'm so grateful that I had time to sit and calm down before I had to go out.

I'm also really glad that the reason I was going out was to go for a bike ride with my lovely friend S. It was just what I needed. We've been friends since our kids started school together 7, nearly 8 (scary), years ago and she knows A and I well enough to be able to help and advise. Luckily the weather was ok when we set off, and we had a lovely, leisurely ride around the Tipner end of Portsmouth, by the water. I was able to vent and talk through things which were worrying me, and cycling helped as well. However, once we were sitting on a bench the great British weather decided to stick its oar in and the temp dropped, and along came the rain. We decided to adjourn to her house for a refreshing cuppa - and boy did we need it as by the time we got there we were soaked and cold. Warming up with a cuppa was lovely. All in all it was the best way to spend a morning and just what I needed. I do feel bad that all the chat was focused pretty much on the stuff happening to me, but I'm grateful that I could off load to a trusted friend and it definitely helped. 

Then, this afternoon I got to talk to my mum after not being able to do so for two whole week *gasp* - I mean, how very dare she go on holiday...lol.... Seriously though, I tend to talk to my mum at least twice a week and I did miss being able to do, even though I was able to text her. An hour and a half later we finished our mammoth catch up call - during which time my Dad was able to carry out some DIY work around the house....isn't he good? It's good to be able to ask my Mum's advice about things and to know that she will always tell me the truth even if I don't like it.. I can't wait to see her and Dad at my cousin's wedding next week...

Finally I've been, again, reminded of the good and the bad side of the internet. Recently I became involved, on the periphery, of a group which was looking into a hoax on the 'net whereby a girl had set up an elaborate con surrounding a little boy with cancer. Although I'd been aware of this boy, I'd not become too involved so when it was revealed as a con I wasn't emotionally upset but I was angry - having seen how such things affect people who are really going through the awful events which cancer brings. Anyway, as it happens the unveiling/revealing of one lie has led to them finding more people who do this....some of whom make up such outlandish stories that it's hard to see why they were believed in the first place. Except that really that is down to the inherent goodness of most people, which brings me to my second point. I've been reminded, through this group and others, that people are nice, that they want to help, to support, to guide, and to be there even if it's not in person. When people take advantage of that then it's awful, because not only are they hurting those who are suffering already but they take away a bit of the trust from the rest of us. Or so you'd think - fortunately, it seems that most people can rise above this nasty behaviour and can see that supporting people is a good thing to do. That although it hurts to be conned, we can still support and find it in our hearts to care. I guess, schmaltzy, as it sounds I am heartened by that. 

Right, enough from me now.....I've got a friend coming round in a bit to, ahem, borrow my sack truck - she's off to the Isle of Wight festival and if I know K she's going to use the sack truck to pretend to be Hannibal Lecter at some point.....bless.... and if that statement makes you think "how on earth would she do that" - just remember the scene where he's trussed up and moved on what appears to be a sack truck and translate it to a muddy field with a very drunk K, with either toilet paper or tin foil or both wrapped around her head, stood on the truck saying "push me to the stage" and you've got part of the picture.....and if that scars you for life, well don't blame me :)

Night all :)

Happy Hump Day everyone :)

Ahhh I am enjoying the sunshine....which means, of course, that it will disappear tomorrow...not least because I'm planning on going for a cycle ride with my friend...fingers crossed that the rain stays away until after lunch..... Went for a nice ride into Uni today, it was lovely in the sunshine, even if the wind was a bit strong and almost blew me backwards at times......

I was in Uni to see Karl about my PhD proposal..which, I'm pleased to say, is coming together. I finally understand how to write the trickiest part of it - which is the bit where I have to look at what has already been written and then say how I will improve/take the argument further...which sounds ok until you realise that this means criticising historians who are at the top of their field..and here's me, an MA student saying, yes but I can do so much better...it's terrifying...but as Karl pointed out, part of it is showing the confidence to do it, without going OTT, selling my arguments and theory - whilst realising that when I actually do the work it will probably change significantly...ah you gotta love academia..it's insane.... lol. Anyway, I came out of the meeting feeling much better, more confident etc., and I've already read and taken notes on another 3 articles today - so it's all good.

Ended up having to take A to the doctor today, as the rash hadn't gone away. Fortunately it's not shingles (unless it is shingles, but shingles behaving totally out of the norm i.e. on both sides of the body at the same time)...so we have steroid cream and we'll see what happens......Interestingly yesterday on facebook there was 'discussion' about teenage behaviour, as in how often they behave in a 'Kevin and Perry' style (for those of you not in the know, K & P were two Harry Enfield characters - Kevin was a lovely lad until he turned 13 - at midnight on his birthday he morphed from a sweet boy to a teenage nightmare....all "It's not fair" and stroppy....totally accurate portrayal of teenage-dom)......anyway today A decided to go all 'Kevin and Perry' at the doctors - he walked in, texting and when I told him to put it away he stropped, and then sulked in the chair. Luckily we were seeing one of the nicer doctors, who doesn't take any nonsense and he soon sorted A out...but oh my word, I was so embarrassed.... I'm sure I never behaved like that when I was a teenager *ignores spluttering noise emanating from my father*

Anyway, after all that it's been a good day. I'm now enjoying chilling out and am reading The Devil Within by Stephanie Merritt - it's an account of her life with depression (and what turned out to be bi-polar disorder)...I'm reading it and recognising so much of me in her life, we had similar upbringings and her descriptions of depression are spot on. It's comforting to read and to realise that I'm not the only one. I highly recommend it. Her description of how ashamed we all are about depression is scarily accurate and even when she was writing the book, she would tell people it was about psychology rather than admit the truth. It's so sad that there's still so much stigma about depression. I get bolshy about it, and front up and talk but that takes so much effort and really I just want to hide... As I said, today has been a good day but tomorrow could be different...I don't have control over it. I just get on with it, and I've learnt to let myself be...if I'm having a bad day then I don't push it, because that doesn't help, it just makes things worse. All I can say is that having this blog definitely helps. Writing it down really is therapeutic. Music also helps; I was feeling bad last night, not sure why (apart from A being a stroppy brat) and so I took myself off to bed and listened to some music and gradually calmed down....

Right, time to stop writing, this entry is plenty long enough :)

Staying positive....

So yesterday I forgot to blog, I only realised when I was all tucked up in bed...sorry about that. On the plus side, yesterday was a good day - J came over and we had a good catch up, oh and she told me that it looked like I'd lost weight...yippeeeeee... Looking back, I guess I probably wouldn't have had much to say yesterday so there we go. I like days like that....which today certainly wasn't.... **please note none of the rants included in here are directed at people reading the blog, I'm just ranting generally (and at JCP employees specifically)**

This morning I realised that I hadn't opened all the post from yesterday, so rather than filing it and forgetting about it, I actually opened it then...only to find that the DWP/Job Centre Plus have decided that they are going to 'investigate' my claim for JSA and that whilst they do so, I won't get my JSA. Now, that is fair enough you may think, except that what they are 'investigating' is something they've known about since I first signed on, it has been discussed several times over the year and the problem has arisen because of their inability to have any flexibility in the rules. Once again tho, they can do what they like and Aiden and I are the ones to suffer...and yes, we will because without my JSA I can't feed him or pay the bills. Basically it seems that they cannot understand how post-grad education works. They have, rightly so, a rule that if you're a full time student you can't get JSA (because how can you be a job seeker if you're in college/uni all the time). However most undergrads either work, or get full loans/grants (as I did) so that's not too bad. Once you get to post grad level however not only does the funding dry up, but the f/t and p/t thing also changes. A full time MA simply means that it's done over one year, not two - and all that means is that I have to do my dissertation over the summer. Those who do it over 2 years have the same teaching attendance as I did (so same hours) this year but do their dissertation over the second year. Given that the DWP classifies ft/pt on hours it is really annoying to be having to point this out to them again. They've already had a letter from the Uni to tell them how many hours I had to attend for seminars etc. and I've not even got to attend that now... I think that they also assume that I'm getting funding of some sort, I've told them repeatedly when I've been asked, that no I don't and I've provided proof of that. Yet this is still happening. 

The fact is that being on the MA has saved my sanity this year and has made no difference to my need or desire to get a job. I'd only work part time anyway, because of A, and I've applied for over 200 jobs to date...it's as if they think that if they stop my JSA or if I wasn't doing the course, I'd magically get a job...it's ridiculous and hurtful and really really stressful.. I'm so sick of people assuming that I'm on JSA for a laugh, for a con or something like that... The fact is that without it, A and I can't live. Simple as that. It pays my bills and buys us food. When I worked, and hopefully I'll get a job again soon, I had no problem with paying for benefits out of my taxes - I think that the measure of a country can often be seen in the way in which it looks after those who need it. I'm well aware that people do cheat the system but I don't see that as reason to deny those who are genuinely in need. Being on JSA doesn't mean you just get given money - you have to apply for jobs and prove it. And now I've been on it for a year, I have to go on a work program which will help me get a job. The fact that I think I don't need that help is neither here nor there, I have to do it to get my JSA and to be able to provide for A, and so I will... Trust me, if I could manage without JSA and the attendant humiliations, then I would. But I can't. And so tomorrow I'll be back on the phone trying to get my advisor at the JCP to ring me so that I can sort this out. Right now I have a knot of tension and fear in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I'm close to tears. People who sneer at those on benefits should realise that we're people too, we're doing our best for our family's and that they don't know the nuances of each situation. I've been told today that it's common knowledge that students don't get JSA - which is wrong. Undergrads don't - they're classed as full time, but anything other than that can - the key issue is full or part time study. I'm not doing anything I'm not allowed to do and I have never lied to the JCP about my course - I've often discussed it with whoever was signing me on, often because they were interested in my course. I'd rather not be on JSA and I hate the fact that being on it apparently means that to sneer and look down on me is allowed and acceptable. 

I did hear something today which reminded me I'm not alone in dealing with ignorant people at the DWP - a friend who applied for DLA for her son was told that they were going to write to the school to check that he still had Downs syndrome.....yes, really....it's is truly scary that people that stupid are allowed to be in charge of things which are so important to people's lives....

Ok, I need to go and calm down now.. I'm sorry this has been such a ranty and depressing post. I'll try to be more cheerful tomorrow.... much love to you all (unless you work for the DWP/JCP in which case, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out...lol)

And lo, the weekend is over......

Ahhh I have finally recovered from my trips to London...Lots and lots of sleep over the last day or so has really helped....being woken up by the cats, caterwauling at 7am yesterday wasn't so great but then I did manage to sleep until 11am so it could have been worse.... I've been very lazy this weekend, and not done any work for Uni but I don't feel too bad, because I know that I'll be working really hard during the week. I've been mainly reading, watching tennis or football and sleeping...it's been nice to relax for a while.

Yesterday was good, because the nice man from Tesco's came and delivered my food - my fridge is now full although with A around I don't know how long that will last...lol... A is proving to be a true teenager in the making, he has the fridge raiding down to a fine art...I may have to invest in a lock for the fridge... Speaking of food, the diet is still going well. I wore a pair of jeans today, which I've not worn for a while and which previously I didn't need to wear a belt with, and before I'd walked to the end of my road they were nearly falling down....yay...or not so yay for the poor people who had a flash of my knickers...but hey, it means I'm losing weight so I say yay... :D

I'm definitely feeling better in myself as well, which I knew would happen...it's always nice to be right - especially in this situation. My knee is proving to be more problematic - the pain is still there and it's hurting when I'm sitting down or even just walking a short distance... I don't know whether to go back to the doctors or not, because I've obviously not lost masses of weight...but I am exercising and maybe that's impacting on the pain...hmmm.... Any advice you guys have will be gratefully received...I'm trying not to be a wuss about it but it really is horrible pain, kind of burning and stabbing, and it has reduced me to tears on occasion...I'm desperate to carry on exercising and losing weight but I'm having to down strong painkillers in order to do so...I've not heard back from the doctors re the x-ray they took several weeks ago, so I'm guessing that there's nothing seriously wrong. I had hoped that as I exercised, so the pain would go - as my body got used to it, clearly that isn't happening and I don't know how much of my angst over it is frustration, or fear....

I'm looking forward to this week - I'm seeing J and her little lad N tomorrow, and then I'll be working on the PhD proposal as I have a meeting with Karl on Wednesday - then a bike ride with my friend S (and a long overdue catch up as well) on Thursday and Friday I plan to go to Aldershot and start the research for my dissertation there....so busy but fun... 

I've spent a fair amount of the weekend online, catching up with websites and Facebook groups I follow - one of which was set up due to a hoax being perpetrated by a twenty-something girl (google 'Emily Dirr' and read the links from various news agencies - also the blog 'Warrior Eli is a hoax') which went on for years and was really involved..It's shocking just what people do, as another person was found to be requesting packs which were intended for children with cancer, yet she was in her 20s and didn't have cancer... It's a real reminder that the internet facilitates those who want to lie and deceive, after all you can be anyone you want to be online... Reading the comments on another site, Regretsy, is also fascinating - the anger and hate and sheer insane ramblings which some people put up, never thinking to ignore the people provoking them...trolling is definitely on the rise, but it's true that no reaction = no fun for any bully, cyber or not.... Mind you, I know I'd react in certain circumstances....how sad that some people just get their kicks being mean to others... Also, and I'm not proud of this, it does make for fascinating reading...jaw dropping at times.... I do love being online but I sometimes wonder if, when future historians look back, they'll wonder what we were all on when we posted some of this stuff...

One of my little heroes, Jobo, was in the paper today - the Sunday Express... I bought it...*shudders*....only for Jobo would I do so....felt quite dirty buying the pornographer's rag but I didn't read it - just found the article about Jobo (which was sadly inaccurate but what do you expect from a paper run by the man who thinks that Big Brother is still a good idea), cut that out and then put the paper in the pile for recycling... The picture they used was just gorgeous, and hopefully the main, accurate story will come across and lots more awareness will be raised.... If you want to follow Jobo's story then his twitter is @Josephs_Journey and the web page for the blog is http://josephbowensjourney.blogspot.com/ 

Right, I'm off to watch the rest of Holland v Portugal.... 

London called....again.....

First of all, an apology for not blogging yesterday..I know you missed me..lol.... I was going to, but then I kinda fell asleep on the sofa and only woke up enough to stagger up to bed....on the plus side I'm nice and awake today even after my trip to London

Today was a good day.....I got an earlier train, which was nice because (surprisingly) it wasn't as busy even though it was still technically in the rush hour... Walking back into the archives was good, and not just because it was raining outside...lol... I knew where I was going and what I was doing (haha) and so I was able to just get on with the searching and researching.... I'm so pleased because I managed to find some real gems in terms of documents for my dissertation... I also found the original documentation, including an original of the Pall Mall Gazette, for the W.T Stead 'Maiden Tribute to Modern Babylon' case... For those of you aware of 19th century history, this was their version of a tabloid sting, and it is clear from reading the letters that the authorities were desperate to charge Stead with something, and in the end they did. For those of you who aren't aware of this case, here is a link - it's fascinating to read about and I'd recommend it... http://www.attackingthedevil.co.uk/pmg/tribute/index.php 

Anyway, I worked really hard and managed to get through all the documents I'd marked as vital... I even had time to witness some 'camera stand rage'...yes really... one person waiting is, apparently, a queue (only in Britain) and there were some nasty, albeit passive-aggressive, scenes when those already using the cameras were, ahem, encouraged to hurry up.....lol... After all that excitement I decided to treat myself to a cuppa and a piece of cake...yummy yummy..

CAAAKE

I ordered a yoghurt as well, trying to be healthy .. but it tasted VILE... so I threw it away... Honestly, why does healthy yoghurt sometimes taste so bad....It's a mystery

Coming home was fun... Travelling in the rush hour brings out the worst in me...I sat in the train at Waterloo, waiting to leave and amusing myself by watching the people running for the train...the closer it got to departure time, the more panicky their running became and the funnier it was....sadly no one fell over (I know I know, I'm mean)..... On the down side the train was packed and I do so hate having to sit squashed against other people... Mind you I was able to read over the shoulder of the lady sitting next to me (yes, I know, bad of me etc. etc.) and thus discovered that she was in a dilemma over who to offer a job to, the person earning £73k with company car who needed 3 months notice, or the person earning £60k with a company car but only needing 1 months notice... all I could think was I'll do the job for £50k and a new bike ... lol.... Sadly she had to leave the train at Guildford so I'll never know who got the job... ahh well, such is life.....

On arriving home, after an invigorating bike ride home, I discovered that the cats had managed to break into the kitchen and had eaten the piece of chicken I'd left to thaw - I'd hidden it under a saucepan - that and the bag it was in were on the floor.... Needless to say I wasn't impressed and the cats were severely told off....I just hope that they don't get sick from eating raw chicken....

So that was my day...all in all a good one.. I don't feel bad for having had some cake as a treat, and that's a result because it's happened before... I'm nicely exhausted and looking forward to having a day off tomorrow.... It's the weekend and I'm going to enjoy it... Hope you all do too 

xxxx

London Calling......

Well today has definitely been a much much better day.....Even if I am totally exhausted and flaked out on the sofa at the moment... I'd forgotten just how much I love to visit London. I don't think I'd like to live there but to visit is so much fun. Today has been so much fun, in so many ways and the smile is firmly back on my face... :D

I managed to get a fairly early train, and so even though it was delayed slightly I was still at Waterloo by 11:30...Good journey up as well, as I put my headphones on and listened to Queen all the way. I love Queen, certain songs remind me of good times, others remind me of Jackamo - I did have to look intently out of the window when 'Only the good die young' came on.....it resonates with me because of Jack....

Getting across London was easy as well, and the 30 min tube journey went quickly...Walking from Kew Gardens Station was pleasant - so many lovely gardens to look at...not to mention that the sun was actually out..amazing.. The National Archives are set in lovely grounds....

Lake at the front of the National Archives, London

I was able to sit out by the lake and eat my packed lunch (yes, I know, very 'school trip'..lol) and I got stupidly excited by the fact that there was ducks, swans and cygnets on said lake....you can tell I'm a city girl who doesn't see much wildlife can't you....

Swan and cygnets on the lake

Going into the Archives was also exciting, and once I figured out how it all worked, I really enjoyed getting stuck into some proper research...Was seriously impressed with the fact that they don't charge for photography, and rather than photocopying documents they have cameras set up on proper stands so that you can take images which are then emailed to you. I'm definitely excited about going up again on Friday, especially as I won't have to wait for 40 mins for documents to be delivered as I can now order in advance...All in all it was well worth going, as a historian it was fantastic to be able to hold original documents in my hand...I saw letters from PM's and army reports from the 1870s...the Archives have done an amazing job to keep these documents in such good condition...it would be nice if people's hand-writing wasn't so appalling, lol...deciphering some of the letters/reports is going to be headache inducing...ah well, it's all part of the fun... I'd recommend that everyone should go to the Archives at least once - it's got so much of our history there and I bet you'll find something relevant to you/your family/your interests.... 

I ended up staying until they shut which was great - except that this meant I was travelling back during rush hour....and sadly I was travelling with people who'd obviously forgotten that when you sneeze/cough you really should put a hankie, or at least your hand, in front of your face... If I come down with something I'm blaming it on the old biddy on the tube who had a smokers hack and refused to put her hand in front of her mouth....I know it's good to share, but I'm pretty sure that germs aren't included in that...ah well...

Now I have a confession to make - I had a Burger King at Waterloo - yes I know, I'm sorry.... but in my defence I was ridiculously hungry and hadn't thought to bring anything with me for tea....need to think about that for Friday.. Mind you, I probably could have managed without the ice cream but I decided that I needed and deserved a treat after all my hard work reading 19th-century documents... Looking back, the diet coke was also a mistake - trying not to belch when sat in a jam-packed train carriage is *not* fun.... In the end I put my headphones in and pretended that the weird noises weren't coming from me.... 

So that's my day - enjoyable but knackering.... the cats were pleased to see me - well, they did want feeding...and now I'm chilling on the sofa....bed soon I think and a day off tomorrow... good oh...

Before I go, I just want to mention that today it's been 8 months since Jack Marshall passed away....it sounds a long time, it is a long time, but it feels like yesterday.....next month it would have been his 7th birthday and it sucks immensely that he isn't here to celebrate it.... I remember Jack everyday, and I know that many of you reading this do as well....We don't just remember him on 'anniversaries' but they are poignant; dates which signify how long he's been gone and events which he should be at..... My friend Flick posted the following poem on Jack's page and I want to share it here because it sums up how so many of us feel.. 

I Never Did That

I never had the first laugh or the last,
I never passed my exams or watched the weather forecast,
I never saw that nearly win or score the winning goal,
... I never passed my driving test or pay the Dartford toll,
I never drank sex on the beach,
Or said f off to those who teach,
I never saw my kids grow up,
Or see West Ham win the FA Cup,
I never learnt to split the atom in two
And write that poem titled "I love you",
I never went and saved a life,
Or go and marry a beautiful wife,
I never thought about tomorrow,
Or how much money do I need to borrow,
I never saw that film, that event, that book, that holiday,
I never learnt to kneel and pray,
But for all the other things I missed,
(There is lots of other stuff not on my list)
One thing I did get to do,
WAS TO HAVE A FULL LIFE OF LOVE FROM YOU.

Written by Gavin Strachen, whose son died at Gt Ormond Street. This poem is brilliant and was read out at the end of the 2012 Memorial Service.

Jack loved more, and was loved more, in his short life than so many people...he left a legacy and we will carry it on.... Fittingly today I paid my entry fee for the 2012 Great South 5k which I'll be walking in October... I'm going to be fund raising for Jack's Fund as as well as for Joseph Bowen's CLIC Sargent fund... I'll be setting up a sponsor page shortly, and will (of course) share it on here... Both Jack and Jobo inspire me, this is my way of showing that and giving something back.... Any and all support in doing this will be gratefully received...

xxxx

Overload...overload....

I've just told my brother to indulge in a whisky before he goes to bed...if I liked the stuff I might have prescribed myself some. Ah well, a painkiller and a glass of water will have the same effect...I hope...

I'm really struggling to be positive today. I know why this is happening (and once again, for the record, being female is horrid sometimes) but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I also made the mistake of not taking myself out for a walk, and no fresh air has left me tired and headache-y. I didn't get to see J today as her daughter was poorly so I thought I'd be good and crack on with some work. But even though I read two articles, taking notes along the way, and have written up a very basic PhD proposal, I'm still feeling as though I've not achieved anything. I think the problem is that until this proposal is done, I'm having to go between two massively important pieces of work, and no matter which one I work on, I always feel as though I've neglected the other one. Unfortunately as I haven't mastered the art of writing two bits of work at once, I'm kinda stuck.. Ideas on a postcard please.... Mind you, spending an hour working on this blog earlier probably hasn't helped - oops... I've redesigned it, as you can see... Let me know what you think - I'm finding it hard to judge whether or not the text is easy to read or not....

I'm also getting to the point where I'm fed up of being hungry and it's getting harder and harder not to give in and snack. I'm eating enough, it's just that my body has finally realised that the days of grazing on chocolate are over and it's protesting...loudly...and all the time...I refer you to my 'being female' comment above for another reason why this is so tough right now...ladies, you know what I'm talking about.... *sigh* Finally, I've been feeling under the weather for a few days now, and it's not getting better...I'm conflicted because part of me just wants to collapse into bed and sleep it off, whilst the other part of me knows that I'm not ill enough to do that and that I just need to get on with it. Nerves about tomorrow's trip to London aren't helping much. All in all, I'm a grumpy mess tonight.. Aren't you glad you're not with me.. ;-)

I know that I will feel better soon, and I'll read this post and curl up with embarrassment...but right now it's helping to write things down...so there future me, deal with it ;-)

I'm going to have a very early night tonight...It's going to be a long day tomorrow and I just want to be rested. I've packed a bag, and I'm hoping I've not forgotten anything vital....Just need to remember to make my packed lunch tomorrow (it's like going on a school trip)... I'm excited about going to London, I do love visiting the place but I couldn't live there... I'm nervous about the archives though, I've heard that they eat Uni research students...lol... If I don't post tomorrow, send a search party to the National Archives at Kew... ;-)

Right, enough of my babbling for tonight... I need to take this grumpy body to bed, and get some sleep... Thanks for reading, it really does help - because when I'm able to write down what's getting to me, then it doesn't seem so bad...and I know I can cope.... 

Sleep tight munchkins :)

My boy modelling his new glasses - looking smooth A, looking smooth ;-)

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Tell me why I don't like Mondays.........

Today really didn't turn out as I had planned or hoped. I woke up to torrential rain and on checking the forecast for Portsmouth and Aldershot it became clear that this rain was going to last. I have say that my heart sank. I've been looking forward to this research trip for some time now, and the thought of not being able to go was upsetting. I spent ages thinking about how I could make it work, whether I could go and cope with being in soaking wet clothes (or whether I could take enough changes of clothes), whether it would be safe to go etc. etc.... When I looked at the BBC weather site there was a recommendation that drivers only make essential journeys but even that wasn't enough to convince me that I couldn't go. It took a phone call from my Dad (I'd texted mum asking her thoughts) before I accepted that it wouldn't be a) safe or b) sensible to go. So that was it. I'll have to go next week instead - weather permitting. I was going to have to cycle into Portsmouth (20 mins) and then from Ash Vale to the museum (15 mins approx.) and finally into Aldershot (30 mins approx.) and then back to Ash Vale station (20 mins approx.) - as you can see this is a lot to cycle in torrential rain. As gutted as I was that I couldn't go, I knew it was the right decision. This was confirmed when I went to sign on, and was soaked from the knees down in about 2 minutes, if I hadn't had my umbrella then I'd have been worse off.

Signing on is always a depressing experience. Normally I sit there and grumble, sending texts to my mum and my friend C. Today was different - as I've said to several people, never annoy a woman with PMT, especially on a Monday and doubly especially when said woman is cold and wet. Every time I go in to sign on I sit and wait with many other people, we sit and we wait, and whilst we wait the staff are sat at their desks, some of them working but most of them either gossiping or doing nothing. Every so often they'll look up at us, smirk a bit and then go back to making us wait. When I finally get seen I am always asked the same questions, despite the fact that the answers are on their screens - am never sure whether they can't be bothered to look, or can't read or are just enjoying driving people nuts....maybe it's all three.... When they've finished making me feel bad for wanting to improve myself (that would be by doing a degree and an MA), they tell me off for not applying for enough jobs - some arbitrary figure which bears no resemblance to the jobs which are a) available and b) suitable...eventually they deign to sign me on and send me on my way.... Today they added a new twist - booking me in for an appointment (on Wednesday) without asking if I could make it....previously all appointments have been booked in for a time suitable to me...naturally I, politely, explained why I couldn't make it. Bless her, I don't think she knew what to do, poor thing.. So off she trotted to a manager, coming back to explain that I needed to wait and see the person I'd been booked to see. To which I, politely, explained that um, no I wouldn't be waiting and could she please just sign me on and re book the appointment (at this point I'd already been waiting for 25 mins just to sign on). She popped off to see the manager again and came back to say that I really did need to wait etc. etc...patiently I explained that I wasn't going to wait, that it wasn't my fault that they were so rude as to book an appointment without asking if it were convenient and that just because I'm unemployed does not mean that they get to be rude to me, oh and please could she just sign me on. At which point I think she just gave up, signed me on and gave me a new appt for a convenient time. Woohoo for politely losing my temper.

I get that I'm on benefits, and receiving money from the government...and I get that this makes me, in some people's eyes, a piece of scum...what I don't get is why those people are employed in a job which requires that they interact with said pieces of scum....weird...and most annoying. I'd love to get a job, of course more than that I'd love not to have to get a job, to be able to focus solely on Uni and on A, but life isn't like that and so I spend days applying for jobs, being turned down and in some cases being totally ignored...and then on top of that I have to put up with being treated like I'm something they trod in....hardly surprising that I get a tad cross sometimes...lol...

Anyway, rant over.... I came home fully intending to do some work - only to find that my get up and go and had got up and gone....well, there's only one thing a girl can do when that happens - put feet up on the sofa, read a book, have a nap and chill..so that's what I did.. The best bit was that A thought I wasn't going to be here and came back after school to pick up his phone - his face when he got to the top of the stairs and saw me was an absolute picture...he had a (girl) friend with him as well - am very glad I was here....

So today didn't turn out as I expected..but I did end up having a better day than I thought I would. Once I'd dealt with the job centre that is. Anyway, I've had fun this evening setting up a flickr account...it doesn't take much to keep me happy, lol... The rain has continued all day but hopefully will have stopped by tomorrow. I've got J and her son N coming over for lunch and I'm really looking forward to seeing them both. Then Wednesday it's off to London....

All in all, a good day - diet kept to, not much exercise (oooops forgot the book AGAIN), but plenty of relaxation..... :D

Lazy Sunday afternoon............

Well sort of lazy....I've been busy sorting out the practicalities of my research trips this week; deciphering the intricacies of the train times, checking I can take my bike on the train, printing out maps so that I can cycle from the station to the museum and then from the museum to Aldershot library, finding batteries for my camera and pencils for note taking. At least I know the area well, having lived in Aldershot from 1998 to 2000 (A was born up there). I'm ridiculously excited about going - I suspect that this is the first time anyone's ever been excited about going to Aldershot but there you go. There's also some nerves however - not so much about the research but about going back to a place which has bad memories, as well as good. I think that enough time has passed for me to be able to cope with revisiting the town, and writing it down here is also making me realise that I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. So that's a bonus :)

I've been in a bit of a grump today....in the sense that things I'd normally shrug off have wound me up. Part of it is sheer tiredness - which is strange as I've been getting enough sleep recently. But about 5pm, both yesterday and today, I just was overwhelmed with exhaustion. I tried to fight it but I couldn't and ended up dozing off on the sofa. Normally when I wake up from these naps I feel better but not today. I don't feel great and I think the anticipation and nerves surrounding the research trips are having more of an effect than I thought they would. It didn't help when A turned up in a foul mood. I always tell myself that I'm not going to rise to it, and then I do anyway. Which means that when he slams out of the house I'm left feeling crappy and upset. We're too similar sometimes, and I know that backing off is more likely to get him to do as he's told - yet I get so frustrated with his attitude that I end up shouting and snapping at him...and then feeling bad for doing so. Part of me feels like just going to bed, shutting the world out and sleeping for a week and the other part of me knows that a) that's not a good idea and b) that I'd regret it and that going on these trips will make me feel better.

I think part of why I'm feeling down is because my mum is on holiday and thus I've not had my normal phone chat with her - texts are great but not the same. I love being able to ring my mum to talk, and we speak at least twice a week - I joke with her that when she goes away I get withdrawal symptoms but it's partially true. I rely on her in so many ways still. I trust her to tell me when I'm wrong, to back me up when I'm right and to generally advise me and help me deal with stuff which feels overwhelming. I know that she won't lie to me, even to spare my feelings, and so even if I don't like what she's saying (a rare occurrence) it's always worth hearing. Having said all that, it's great to know that for once my parents are relaxing - those of you who know them, know that they don't normally get to do too much of that. Dad is, or rather was, retired but he is back working - and not a desk bound job either. Oh no. He's one of those men you see in the high street talking about God/Christianity. Whatever my own personal views on religion, I'm immensely proud of him for standing up and talking about what he believes in - I'm not sure I could do it: some people are so intolerant, others so disrespectful and yes it upsets me. He's my dad, I love him, and yes I'm protective of him but it's more than that - no one would have blamed him for having an easy life of retirement but that's not his way - he puts himself up there, sharing his beliefs (not shoving them down people's throats) and goes back time and again.  My mum is retired but again, she never seems to stop, and I have no idea how she does it. I wonder sometimes how someone so, ahem, lazy as me could possibly be my parent's daughter - but I am.. My brother is, in many ways, more like my parents...organised with money, always active and clear about getting the necessary tasks done. Me, I'm hopeless with money (although getting better), not so active (again getting better) and easily sidetracked from jobs...unless it's to do with Uni that is. Ah well, variety is the spice of life and all that....

I'm not sure how many blog entries I'll manage this week - Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my research trips and it will depend on how knackered I am, or how excited I am, as to whether I write on those days. I'm really enjoying writing this blog. It's helping me to sort out thoughts and feelings which would otherwise be tumbling around and stressing me out. It's also easier to write things down, so I can say things which I'd maybe struggle to say face to face. It's also helping me to keep going with the diet and exercise. My confession for today is that I totally forgot that I was starting the exercise program today - the book will be placed in a prominent position for when I wake up tomorrow, so I don't forget again. Diet wise, things are ok - portion sizes are gradually being reduced and although I'm getting a few more cravings, I can still handle them - the knowledge that I'd feel bad for giving in is still enough to stop me doing so. I cycled today, only a short way, but it felt good to be out on the bike again and I'm looking forward to cycling tomorrow as well. A couple of friends have also got bikes, and we've planned rides over the next few weeks - I'm really looking forward to that. I know I'll have to do some more walking but it's still problematic with my knee. I'm hoping that if I can walk without carrying anything, that it will help. I'm clinging to the theory that it's carrying a handbag etc., which is leading to my pain because I'm unbalanced (heavy handbag on one side). Well it's a theory anyway.....

Right, I'm going to bed with a book and a cat. Thanks for reading :)