Rain Rain go away, don't come back another day :)

It's definitely been one of those days today...and yes, I'm well aware that it's not over yet and that I'm posting earlier than usual...but I'm going out tonight and I'm not sure if I'll feel like blogging when I get back (because I'll be tired, ok, no other reason..lol)...I thought it would be mean to deprive you all of my lovely blog, I know you'd be upset...so here I am....you lucky lot... :D

I'm glad to be going out, because it's not been a great day and I think that if I stayed home then I'd probably get all maudlin and silly...so out with K to watch Hamlet at the New Theatre Royal I go....yes, me, going to see Hamlet at the theatre, darlings...how terribly terribly posh...hahaha... K and I aren't known for our, ahem, cultured and refined sides so this could be interesting.... In all seriousness I'm really looking forward to it, especially as I get to catch up with K, who always knows how to cheer me up and has been there for me in so many ways over the last few years....I may feel like staying in and pulling the duvet over my head but I know that the best thing is to be her with her..so out I go...in a bit anyway...

Today didn't start off very well... After not getting to sleep until gone 4am, I was woken at 9:30am by A ringing me asking for money...which I wasn't going to give to him for reasons he well knew. Unfortunately he wasn't willing to take no for an answer, and in the end I had to hang up on him - having warned him first. I hate when that happens but I've found that hanging up, and ignoring his repeated calls for a while thereafter, is the best thing to do. It stops us both getting too upset and angry, and he realises that I mean what I say. He did calm down, and all seems to be ok now. Nevertheless it wasn't a cheerful start to the day. And then I got a text from a Uni friend to say that some of our grades were on the student portal. Cue a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I was right. Although my overall mark for that unit was good, and I'm happy with it, the mark for the essay was lower than I'd hoped and aimed for and I'm feeling the effects of that.

At undergrad level the effort I put in, showed and paid off and I got excellent marks. I always knew that the MA was going to be much harder but what has been most upsetting is that the effort and work I'm putting in is not showing, or at least it doesn't feel like it is. Intellectually I know what I need to do, and when I write the essay and re-read it, I feel as though I have hit the points necessary - but then I get the mark back and I think, well I obviously didn't. I haven't read the comments for this essay yet so I don't know where I dropped marks, but it's been a real blow to my confidence. Even though the Prof, when he marked one of my essays, wrote that I can write at MA level, that I'm already doing so, and that I will improve, I'm still feeling very unsure of myself today. To stop myself sinking into a fit of self pity I'm going to go and get the essay tomorrow, read the comments and the grading comments, then I'll email the Prof and see if he can go through it with me. I'm still determined to improve and to succeed and I'm not going to give up until I'm told that I can't go any further or get any better. Today has been spent in a battle between my positive side (keep going, you can do it, look at what the Prof said) and my negative side (you can't do this, you can't do a PhD, just give up now)....at the moment positive is winning, but only just.

Anyway, having had that little battle with myself, I was rather tired and so I decided that a nap would be a good idea...which it was...when I woke up I did feel better and although the self doubt is still there, I'm able to keep it at bay a bit more. I'm pretty sure that there are other reasons why I'm feeling down at the moment (being female sucks at times) and I know that it will pass. Writing it out on here helps as well, I can see on the page just how ridiculous or not I'm being. Tomorrow I've got a meeting with Karl about my PhD, and then I'm meeting one of my tutors from the Access course so I'm really looking forward to that. I love that we've kept in touch, and I owe her and the other Access tutors so much, because if I hadn't been able to do that course then I'd never have got this far. It's disgusting that the course is being shut down, even though I know why it's happening.

The weather has been vile today, although it is brightening up now...the wind is so strong and if it's like this tomorrow then I probably won't cycle into Uni - it's all well and good wanting to get fit but that won't be achieved if I get blown off my bike... Molly cat is healing well, and continues to stuff her face with food - seriously think I'd keel over with shock if she ever refused to eat..she loves her food that cat. A came over to see her and was hugely impressed by her 'wound'...although he was mildly annoyed on her behalf that the vet has shaved/cut her fur...bless

Right, dinner is nearly ready (grilled chicken, veg and jacket potato - yummy) and then I have to get smartened up for the theatre...lol...

TTFN

:)