Lazy Sunday afternoon............

Well sort of lazy....I've been busy sorting out the practicalities of my research trips this week; deciphering the intricacies of the train times, checking I can take my bike on the train, printing out maps so that I can cycle from the station to the museum and then from the museum to Aldershot library, finding batteries for my camera and pencils for note taking. At least I know the area well, having lived in Aldershot from 1998 to 2000 (A was born up there). I'm ridiculously excited about going - I suspect that this is the first time anyone's ever been excited about going to Aldershot but there you go. There's also some nerves however - not so much about the research but about going back to a place which has bad memories, as well as good. I think that enough time has passed for me to be able to cope with revisiting the town, and writing it down here is also making me realise that I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. So that's a bonus :)

I've been in a bit of a grump today....in the sense that things I'd normally shrug off have wound me up. Part of it is sheer tiredness - which is strange as I've been getting enough sleep recently. But about 5pm, both yesterday and today, I just was overwhelmed with exhaustion. I tried to fight it but I couldn't and ended up dozing off on the sofa. Normally when I wake up from these naps I feel better but not today. I don't feel great and I think the anticipation and nerves surrounding the research trips are having more of an effect than I thought they would. It didn't help when A turned up in a foul mood. I always tell myself that I'm not going to rise to it, and then I do anyway. Which means that when he slams out of the house I'm left feeling crappy and upset. We're too similar sometimes, and I know that backing off is more likely to get him to do as he's told - yet I get so frustrated with his attitude that I end up shouting and snapping at him...and then feeling bad for doing so. Part of me feels like just going to bed, shutting the world out and sleeping for a week and the other part of me knows that a) that's not a good idea and b) that I'd regret it and that going on these trips will make me feel better.

I think part of why I'm feeling down is because my mum is on holiday and thus I've not had my normal phone chat with her - texts are great but not the same. I love being able to ring my mum to talk, and we speak at least twice a week - I joke with her that when she goes away I get withdrawal symptoms but it's partially true. I rely on her in so many ways still. I trust her to tell me when I'm wrong, to back me up when I'm right and to generally advise me and help me deal with stuff which feels overwhelming. I know that she won't lie to me, even to spare my feelings, and so even if I don't like what she's saying (a rare occurrence) it's always worth hearing. Having said all that, it's great to know that for once my parents are relaxing - those of you who know them, know that they don't normally get to do too much of that. Dad is, or rather was, retired but he is back working - and not a desk bound job either. Oh no. He's one of those men you see in the high street talking about God/Christianity. Whatever my own personal views on religion, I'm immensely proud of him for standing up and talking about what he believes in - I'm not sure I could do it: some people are so intolerant, others so disrespectful and yes it upsets me. He's my dad, I love him, and yes I'm protective of him but it's more than that - no one would have blamed him for having an easy life of retirement but that's not his way - he puts himself up there, sharing his beliefs (not shoving them down people's throats) and goes back time and again.  My mum is retired but again, she never seems to stop, and I have no idea how she does it. I wonder sometimes how someone so, ahem, lazy as me could possibly be my parent's daughter - but I am.. My brother is, in many ways, more like my parents...organised with money, always active and clear about getting the necessary tasks done. Me, I'm hopeless with money (although getting better), not so active (again getting better) and easily sidetracked from jobs...unless it's to do with Uni that is. Ah well, variety is the spice of life and all that....

I'm not sure how many blog entries I'll manage this week - Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my research trips and it will depend on how knackered I am, or how excited I am, as to whether I write on those days. I'm really enjoying writing this blog. It's helping me to sort out thoughts and feelings which would otherwise be tumbling around and stressing me out. It's also easier to write things down, so I can say things which I'd maybe struggle to say face to face. It's also helping me to keep going with the diet and exercise. My confession for today is that I totally forgot that I was starting the exercise program today - the book will be placed in a prominent position for when I wake up tomorrow, so I don't forget again. Diet wise, things are ok - portion sizes are gradually being reduced and although I'm getting a few more cravings, I can still handle them - the knowledge that I'd feel bad for giving in is still enough to stop me doing so. I cycled today, only a short way, but it felt good to be out on the bike again and I'm looking forward to cycling tomorrow as well. A couple of friends have also got bikes, and we've planned rides over the next few weeks - I'm really looking forward to that. I know I'll have to do some more walking but it's still problematic with my knee. I'm hoping that if I can walk without carrying anything, that it will help. I'm clinging to the theory that it's carrying a handbag etc., which is leading to my pain because I'm unbalanced (heavy handbag on one side). Well it's a theory anyway.....

Right, I'm going to bed with a book and a cat. Thanks for reading :)