So today sucked...........

Even for a Monday, today sucked hugely..... I'll warn you in advance that this may evolve into something of an emotional rant.... It started with the fact that A, who has asthma but hasn't had an attack for ages, developed a nasty cough over the weekend. By this morning he was coughing pretty much non stop and was wheezing as well.. As a typical teenage boy he's not keen on taking his inhaler - so it was a measure of just how bad he felt, that he took it without much hassle this morning and promptly went back to bed. I decided that he should stay home from school. However I had to sign on this morning, so off I went leaving him tucked up in bed and hoping that he would be ok. He had his mobile and I had mine, and he had his inhalers - although the wheeze had almost gone after he'd done them earlier..... and this is when the day really began to suck.....

I've been signing on for a year now, looking for a job whilst working towards my goal of becoming a university lecturer by getting an MA, and (hopefully) a PhD. Much as I would like to be able to devote my time to academia, I can't. I need a job. Whilst I was an undergrad I received loans and grants which allowed A and I to live - pay bills, buy food etc. - all rather important things I think you'll agree. However as a post grad student, I do not receive any funding. Once I finished uni I started looking for a job; I also requested to go onto JSA, making my situation clear to them. Being told I was eligible for JSA was a huge relief - it's not a massive amount of money but it means that we can eat and so on.  In September, when my MA started I went and told the people at the job-centre, explaining the situation to them and giving them copies of all the paperwork I'd been sent. I explained that being on the course would not change my need to find a job, or the hours I could work. This was all accepted and I carried on applying for jobs, being rejected or even being ignored for most, and working towards the MA. Over the next few months I had to explain my situation to different advisors - some of whom were convinced that I was getting funding but who accepted that I wasn't and didn't ask any further questions, some of whom were just interested in (and impressed by) what I was doing. They also asked for a letter from uni confirming the hours I attended. When the taught part of the course finished I advised the job centre that although the number of hours I could work had not changed, the hours I was available for work had; they duly amended my record, I signed a new form and things carried on....as in I applied for jobs, never heard anything back, and all the while I'm working on my MA. 

A couple of weeks ago I was called in to see my advisor; she told me I'd be going onto the work program (am pretty sure I blogged about that). However at the same time she asked me to fill out another form regarding my course. Looking back, I should have been suspicious but I'd filled this same form out 3 times already (they'd lost the first two), and when she said it was just because the taught part had finished I didn't think anything of it. I was, as always, honest when I filled it out (and they wonder why people lie? it must be so tempting when you get screwed over for telling the truth...) Less than a week later I received a letter saying that I probably wasn't eligible for JSA because I was a student. I'll be honest, I thought that they were just trying it on. After all, I'd been a student since September, I'd never lied to them, and I'd discussed it on so many occasions that I didn't see why they should suddenly start causing a problem now. How wrong I was. I requested a call from my advisor but apart from one missed call from a blocked number (which I don't answer anyway) and from which there was no message left, I didn't hear a thing. 

Which brings me to today....I turned up (early) at the job centre and was directed to a different area. Eventually I was called to see someone, and this is where it began to go wrong. She checked that I'd filled in my job search record (I had) and then went to sign me on. At which point I said to her that I didn't think I'd be getting any money as my claim had been suspended whilst they investigated it (interestingly it hasn't yet been suspended despite what the letter said). She then told me that she had tried to call me, and I explained that I'd missed the call and couldn't return it because I didn't know who it was. Apparently they aren't allowed to leave messages just in case the number doesn't belong to the person they're trying to contact...yet we're supposed to know it was them and ring them back...and as for her trying to get hold of me another time, well that's out of the question - once was enough and I should be grateful that she tried once. Yes she said that. I think I knew then that this wasn't going to end well. She then took great satisfaction in telling me that as far as she was concerned, I wasn't entitled to JSA. I still thought that this had to be a misunderstanding....

I was trying to explain my situation to her, that although the course was classified as FT it was only a few hours a week - only to be told (looking down her nose at me) that that didn't matter as it was THE LAW...hmmmm ok....so I explained (or tried to) that there is no difference in hours at uni per week between the full and part time MAs...and again she just repeated that it was THE LAW..... I was still confused (I know, I know) because genuinely this made no sense. Every time I tried to talk to her, and to ask her a question she just shouted over me that it was THE LAW that full time students can't collect JSA and that we should go to work if we need money - ummm right, so that's why I'm on JSA because I'm a job seeker. Did she think that if I weren't at uni or not getting JSA that I'd magically get a job? I wish...but no, it doesn't work like that (unless you're David Cameron or a clueless JSA advisor that is)... 

I'll be honest, I was getting more and more upset. Her attitude was horrible. She was patronising and just would not listen to me. She told me that it didn't matter how many times I repeated myself, it wouldn't change anything - despite the fact that the only reason I was repeating myself was because she kept talking over me. She also told me that she didn't care that I'd complied with everything required of me, that I'd applied for over 200 jobs, that without the JSA, A and I would struggle to eat and live, or that I'd never lied about my course to anyone. She accused me of lying when I told her that I'd been under the impression that because I had A, I was entitled to claim for JSA when others may not be. And then she accused me of stopping work because I was lazy, that I'd decided to "dump my job" and go to uni and now I expected the government to pay for me. She said that she'd love to be able to do the same. I just stared at her. Ok, she knows nothing about my situation but how dare she? How dare she accuse me of that... At that point, I gave up - I was in tears. She offered me a tissue (big of her) and when I refused she slammed the pen and paper down on the desk for me to sign....I managed to do that, and to get out of there before I totally fell apart... I stood outside, crying my eyes out, and rang my parents. I'm sure I was a total sight but I didn't care. I just felt so low. Eventually I made my way home, and managed so salvage something from the day. But I'm still feeling angry, upset, frustrated, humiliated and so many other emotions....

What she didn't know what that I worked from aged 18 to age 28, and that I only stopped working because I had to. I was suffering from severe depression and related anxiety - there were several times when I broke down at work, and eventually I was signed off sick. It took over two years before I felt well enough to even contemplate doing anything work or study related. I took a chance and signed up to the Access course. I'd always wanted to be a teacher, and the thought of being able to get a degree was the first thing (apart from family and friends) which had got me interested in anything for ages.. Since then I've achieved so much..but I still have depression and I always will do. Some days it's better than others. I'll be honest, the thought of going back to work scares me, work in an office that is. But I'd do it because I know that I need to work to support A. Even just thinking about it now is making me shaky, but it's not that simple is it.... And then to have her...saying that to me... I can't tell you how bad and disgusting and low I felt. I felt judged. I felt unworthy. I felt humiliated. Thinking about it now, I do again. The difference is that I know now that I'm not going to go under, that people are there for me and that they don't agree with her. So that's a good first step...

Mind you, the support I've had from family and friends has been amazing and has really helped. You know who you are, and I really appreciate it. I'm going to put a complaint in, and I'm going to write a statement to send along with the letter from the uni. It may not do any good but it will help me feel better. 

Ok, it was a long one tonight. Thank you for reading. Feel free to ask any questions, and I mean *any* ... I'm happy to answer......