I get knocked down, I get up again??????????????

Yeah, so...I had planned to blog about my weekend today (and don't worry, I shall share the gory details still) but sadly the DWP have decided that they're not quite finished in their attempts to make my life as difficult as possible, and so reared their collective, ugly heads today....so I do hope you're prepared for a long blog post....might want to get comfy, maybe make a cuppa and get a biscuit.....ok then, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin*

*bonus point for anyone who can tell me which show that originated from

Right...so.... As you know, I took part in the Great South Run 5k on Saturday....and I'm pleased to say that I did it in a time of 1 hour and 5 minutes, which is 10 minutes faster than my time for the Race for Life in June. I was the only one walking it, and so was at the back and last, all the way round. It was a bit embarrassing, being on my own like that...I felt very self conscious and a bit panicky but that did pass....After a while I found myself being looked after by the 'last runner' stewards...at all these races they have stewards on bikes who ride behind the last runner (or walker in my case), along with a paramedic...so I walked 5k accompanied by 4 lovely men, and yes I took the chance to tell them about Jack...so there's another reason why I didn't mind being last..... The weather was sunny but COLD...very very cold....It was lovely to be walking along the seafront in the sunshine but a bit more warmth wouldn't have gone amiss....Even walking steadily didn't keep me all that warm....however I was in awe of the stewards who had to stand still at points along the route, waiting for participants to come past so that they could direct them, and cheer them on.. The people who came to watch, and the stewards, were brilliant; cheering us on and clapping, encouraging everyone, including me. Hearing the applause, and the 'come on you can do it' was really good, it definitely helped me to keep going.... I was pleased (and relieved) to finish though, and I've got my medal and t-shirt to prove that I actually did it... I'm hoping that I'll be able to jog/run it next year...that's the plan anyway....

Once I'd finished, I cycled up to the Uni library to meet K, a friend who's doing the MA starting this year...I wanted to share my pearls of wisdom with her, and she'd promised me a cuppa and a mars bar....it was good to see her and I'm so glad she was there because at the end of our get together I had a funny turn....well, I nearly fainted...not good..apparently I turned a lovely shade of yellow... I'm not 100% sure what caused it, but I think it was a combination of dehydration (because it was so cold I'd not drunk as much water during the walk as I would have done otherwise), a virus (dodgy stomach the night before turned out not to be nerves) and being extremely cold....Anyway, my plans to attend my li'l friend N's 3rd birthday party that afternoon went out of the window, and I had to be taken home in a cab...A told me I looked like a ghost, then settled me on the sofa and headed of to party with N at Pirate Pete's....I sat on the sofa under 3 blankets and tried to warm up....it took me nearly 4 hours to do so....

Sunday was so much better, although I still felt a bit wobbly, I felt well enough to go over to J and L's for N's birthday...A and I had a lovely Sunday, eating a roast dinner and chilling out with friends... And then later on I found out that my cousin's wife, K, was going to be in Pompey today and made arrangements to meet up....all in all, I felt pretty good yesterday...not looking forward to having to go into the JobCentre today but apart from that, ok...I should have known.......

Anyway, remember how I said a couple of weeks ago, that it appeared my JSA issues were all resolved? Yeah, well...seems I underestimated the DWP's desire to screw with people's lives in a vain attempt to prove that they can deal with all them 'orrible scrounging benefit claimants....And today I found out that I was wrong in thinking it was sorted..because it is very far from being sorted......*takes deep breath*

I should have known it wasn't going to be good when my name was called by the same bitch (sorry mum) who I saw in June when I was originally denied my JSA....Wherever she has been in the meantime it hasn't done her any good, and she was as horrible today as she was back then...from the moment I went over she had a look on her face as though I was something she'd stepped in, and the only time she smiled was when she told me that I wouldn't be getting JSA anymore...oh yeah, she enjoyed telling me that.... Seems as though they've found two reasons to deny me now....she wasn't happy when I refused to accept what she was saying and (politely) asked to see someone else...apparently I was holding her up in her important work of spreading misery and despair amongst the unemployed of Pompey... Anyway, eventually I got to speak to someone who was, at least, polite and fairly kind. Now, and reasonably you may think (I do), the DWP don't allow people to miss many sign ons for sickness before they start asking questions...however, and unsurprisingly, they have made the regulations ridiculous and unfair .... basically each claimant is allowed 2 periods of sickness, of up to 14 days each, in any one year..once you have a third they close your claim...however the pertinent information is the 'two periods', not the number of days..and this means that I lose my JSA - Since January I have missed 2 sign ons (migraine) and one meeting with the work placement people (24 hour bug)....so that's 3 days in total.... please note that I could have had 28 days of sickness if I'd been so inclined, without losing JSA...but 3 individual instances, oh no, can't have that.....

Ok, I was thinking, they close my claim, they say I can reapply....but wait, not so fast, if I do that I still won't get JSA because even though I am now considered a p/t student by the Uni, in the eyes of the DWP I am still f/t....they seem to think that I'm lying, trying to pull a fast one.... The actual phrase they used was "just because Mrs Measures says she is a part time student, does not mean that this is the case"....yeah, they just called me a liar, albeit very subtly.... Needless to say I was really upset about all this, and to make matter worse A was with me (it's half term this week and he wanted to come into town with me)...bless his heart, he was a good boy, stayed calm and well behaved and gave me a cuddle when we left the JCP...  No matter what I said, the staff at the JCP just didn't give monkeys...I was told that their hands were tied, nothing they could do, that it didn't matter that I wouldn't have money to pay bills or feed A, or that I'd done everything I'd been asked to do....to make matters worse, it appears that they'd lost one of my sick forms, so I had to complete another one, and the advisor hinted to me that if I were to lie and say that two sickness instances were actually all one instance, then I wouldn't have my claim shut down.... Tempting for about, ooooh, a nanosecond...before I thought, no I've not lied to them, not going to start now and told him that.... He kept saying that the decision makers didn't have a choice, had to go by law but when I pointed out that I knew people in the same situation as me, who were allowed to claim, he then said that appeals can be made, and can change the rules - which puzzled me because then surely I wouldn't have this problem....none of this makes any sense, other than by accepting that as with all bureaucracies, it's a huge mess, no one wants to take responsibility or care, and the only way you get anything is by shouting the loudest....

I came out of the JCP feeling beaten down and dumped on...A brief browse in the library did help, and meeting up with K for lunch was just what I needed....for all the crap the DWP have put me through, I am so so lucky in having amazing friends and family...I'm really glad that my cousin S married K, cos she's a diamond and it was so fab that (coincidentally) I met up with her just after having such a bad morning...it was good to talk things through and to catch up generally... There is something about being with a friend who knows you, and who is trusted, it's so nice not to have to fake being happy or whatever....and interestingly, not having to fake it actually means it's often genuine happiness....if that makes sense... For all the horribleness of the morning, lunch definitely made up for it.....

Right now, I'm sitting on the sofa and my head still aches (and my eyes are still sore) from crying earlier....The fact is that I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed; I'm so fed up of fighting the DWP and I thought I'd just have to get the tribunal out of the way next week (7th) and it would be done, I thought that after my meeting with the manager a couple of weeks ago, that it was sorted from now on...and I was wrong...and the thought of having to fight again makes me feel sick and breathless..but I have no choice, and so I will.... Basically though I have realised that I am in no fit state to work at the moment. It's so hard, because it's all invisible in terms of symptoms, but I know that if I didn't have A, I would very likely not leave the house or interact with people (apart from maybe close friends)...I panic at the thought of having to go out (not agoraphobia), at having to talk to people and do new things...Uni work is different, it's solitary and the pressure is entirely self created...if I'm having a bad day then I can decide to take time off, to calm down etc., but with work - I can't do that...if A is having a bad time, then work will sack me. When he was excluded the other week, if I'd had a job then it scares me what would have happened... the pressure of a job and of dealing with A scares me silly, even just thinking now as I write, is making me breathless and nauseous. I am going to the doctors on Thursday for a follow up appointment and I'm planning on asking her to sign me off; if she does so then I will contact the DWP and go from there. If she doesn't then I shall wait for the outcome of the tribunal before deciding what to do next.

One thing has struck me through all of this; there is a deep seated belief (one which affects staff at the JCP/DWP as well), that benefit claimants are all lying, cheating, scrounging scum who could work, but don't and who can be looked down upon and judged....well, I grant you that there are some who are like that but they are the minority...most of them are like me, people who, for whatever reason, aren't working, who cannot survive without the support of benefits, and who are not living the highlife on £72 per week...sadly, the tabloid 'propaganda', repeated daily, seems to be influencing many people, people who are kind and caring in many other ways, and these people judge me every single day...they think I shouldn't get JSA, but they also would hold me wholly responsible for A's behaviour even if I'd been left with no choice but to leave him unsupervised whilst I worked, they think that I'm skiving on 'their' money, and that if only there were no benefit claimants we'd all be happy and have lots of money.... All I want to say is, that (like a kind of reverse lottery) it could be you in my position...there is no guarantee, especially these days, that jobs will last...maybe one day it will be you having to claim, being judged...people who claim benefits are like everyone else; there are nice ones and nasty ones, good ones and bad ones, normal ones and weirdos... I know that times are tough right now, no one has to point that out to me, but hating people on benefits doesn't help. The jobs are not there, not for everyone, not even for most people, the recession has seen to that; companies need to make profits and managers etc., won't employ staff if it means that profits (and thus their bonuses) will go down...fair enough you may think - but fewer people working means less tax being paid, and more going out in benefit support....which will eventually mean higher taxes..because however much the posho's in government hate the poor, they can't actually let them die because then people might think they were mean and not vote for them.... So rather than accusing the less well off of being jealous, of wanting everyone to be poor, why don't they create jobs? Why don't they get people into work, why don't they take a risk and maybe, they'll be the hero who begins the recovery...but I don't think they will, because (and maybe understandably) they don't want to lose money themselves, they'd rather keep their bonuses, than give someone else a job...maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm too cynical and too harsh but when you've been turned down for so many jobs (many of which have been filled internally, only advertised because they have to by law), it's so hard to take being judged....

Ok, I'm shutting up now.....

A long week.....

It's taken awhile for me to feel ready to blog again....last week was one of the hardest I've had for some time now and to be honest I did just want to hide away for a bit. Thursday and Friday were actually ok. Given that A was not at school, I decided to just get on with what I had planned, and to take him with me. This turned out to be a good thing, and we actually had a nice time together. Part of that was due to the fact that A always has a few days of calm, good behaviour after one of his 'outbursts', but part of it was just because (I think) we were both so shattered and numb after Tuesday and Wednesday, that we just didn't have the energy to fight. Whatever the reason, it was nice to spend some proper quality time with him, and for it not to end in him throwing a tantrum when he didn't get his own way. We also managed to have a few good chats, and I know that I felt better for it. 

When he left for his dads house on Saturday morning however, I did revert to hermit mode. The urge to just curl up and be alone was very strong and frankly I didn't feel much like resisting it. Apart from a phone call with my friend C, it was just me and the cats....Sunday was A's birthday but I only saw him for a few minutes as he was either at his dads or with friends....so another day of hermit-ing....

Monday meant I had to surface, as we had a meeting at the school re A...we were able to put our concerns across, and I did feel as though they are taking A's behaviour seriously. The school has 4 levels of behaviour monitoring and A has gone from level 1 to level 3 in one go; if he gets to level four then he is at a high risk of being expelled...so this is very serious. He has been put on report, which means that he has to attend his lessons, do as he's told and get a slip signed by each of his teachers; if he does this and fulfils the requirements (so no walking out of class, being late or being rude) then he will get 3 merit points at school (not 100% sure what the merit points mean but A was pleased about the reward), and he will get 1 hour on the laptop or PS3 at home. So far he managed a good first day, not so good yesterday (2 internal exclusions *sigh*), and a good day today. I have to go back at the end of the week after half term to discuss his progress....so we will see. 

Then it was back to hermit mode, enlivened by a thorough cleaning of the bathroom - until the bleach smell gave me a headache...lol....I surfaced again yesterday evening in order to go into Uni and meet up with my friends...for various reasons I wanted to stay in, but I made myself go...and I'm glad I did...although I did have a couple of annoying experiences..... Firstly some total and utter moron drove 'into' me; I was waiting to cross the road, and he was parked next to where I was (facing against the flow of traffic)...he clearly wanted to move but I was blocking him in (and traffic was coming past anyway), so he beeped and swore at me; I stepped a bit further forward at which point he reversed and scraped along the back of my legs! Luckily he was going very slowly, I was wearing jeans and he didn't catch my feet...he then swore at me a bit more before flooring it out into the traffic (without looking) and nearly stacking it into another car whose poor driver was just driving along not expecting said moron to pull out into her lane...poor woman.... I was rather shaken up, and very angry...I wanted to haul him out of the car and punch his stupid face in...mainly because he'd scared me...but also because it wouldn't have hurt him to wait, and because I can guarantee that he was 100% certain that he was in the right, that I should have got out of his way, that I was a stupid little girl...people like that scare me and annoy me, you can't reason with them and it's not good to encounter them, especially when they're at the wheel of a big car....

Meeting up with my friends did cheer me up though, as did the nice cuppa I had....we adjourned to the pub and met up with my friend's stepson....I wasn't sure if I'd stay, given how hermit like I'd felt recently, but I'm glad I did...it was good to be out, chatting and being 'normal'.... Mind you, my good mood kinda evaporated when I ran to get the bus only for the driver to pull away (despite having seen me running)....I don't regret wishing that he'd be struck by a suppurating boil on his backside, one which resisted treatment for 6 months...as I said, don't annoy the fat girl running for the bus... lol

Speaking of 'fat', things on that front are going ok....I've been keeping up the walking, altho not cycling as much; mainly because of the weather... I'm doing the Great South Run, 5k and walking it, this Saturday at 10:30am (starting by the D-Day museum in Southsea if anyone is local and wants to come and cheer me on)...I'm doing it for Jack Marshall's fund (www.jacksfund.co.uk) and sponsorship will be gratefully received.... I'm alternating between fear and excitement....mostly I can't wait to get going, I'm excited about doing it and raising funds and awareness about brain tumours and about walking along a lovely course....but I'm also nervous, because my knee has been very painful recently and I don't want to fail, to let Jack and his family, and my lovely friends and family, down....Having said that, the pain has been mainly when I've been standing for a while, and I'm hopeful that walking will not be too bad - it hasn't been recently....and whatever happens I shall go and I shall finish it....

I'm sticking to the diet, and am finding that I'm not even tempted by chocolate now...wish I'd felt like that a long time ago....I've craved ice cream a couple of times, but have resisted the urge to buy any, and so have been alright on that front.... I've also started distracting myself when I feel hungry, just in case it's boredom (or thirst) instead of hunger....as a result I've done stuff round the house, and am working hard on my dissertation - all good and definite progress in terms of me and my ability to get myself motivated....

I had my last CBT session today....it was really useful - some of the suggestions for change may seem obvious, but the fact that it's part of a session where I get to talk and discuss things helps round them out...if that makes sense...so the idea of having a timetable for the week may seem simple, but when I would talk through each day with D, I'd end up planning things in a different order, or emphasising some things over others...which helped me to realise which things were triggers, or were rewards.... I'm on the waiting list for counselling, but it could be up to 6 months...I know I need to go, because D wasn't there for talking so much as for practical help...and although he has helped, I know I'm far from better...I'll go back for a follow up session in 4 weeks, but I have the skills I need to cope, I just need to use them, but also to not beat myself up when I fail....so we'll see....

So that's where I am, where we are..... I'm still relieved when I can go back to the house and be by myself...that's not to say that I don't enjoy seeing my friends, because I totally do.. I love it, I wouldn't go out otherwise...but I still have an urge to be at home... I'm ok going out, I don't have to force myself, well not all the time, but I do heave a sigh of relief when I'm in and the door is shut.... I want to see my friends, to go out and catch up etc., but I also enjoy coming back home.... I'm definitely still uncomfortable when I have to be in situation where I don't know people, that's still very hard for me to do...I struggle to make myself go then...even when I want to go and I'm looking forward to it, that part of me which thinks I'm useless will speak up and tell me that I'll make an idiot of myself and that I shouldn't go...needless to say, I try not to listen to it and when I overcome it, I'm pleased...but it's still hard.... so friends of mine, please know that I always want to come out and see you...sometimes it's just harder to go out than others, but it's never ever about you, only about me and my stupid thoughts......

Time to go and curl up in bed..... :) 

Falling down, getting up

Well. So. Yeah. Since my last entry things have been difficult to say the least.....I do hope you're ready for a mammoth update because I need to vent it all out....

Firstly the Camhs appointment; I may have been hoping for a bit too much from that....well, actually, I was hoping for too much from it. I really thought that maybe we'd be given a solution, that help would be forthcoming. But, sadly not. The upshot of the meeting was that altho A will be tested for ADHD she is doubtful that he is far enough along the spectrum for help to be available. Even if he was to be eligible for that help, it is not as comprehensive as I'd hoped. It appears as though A falls between two areas; he does not have a mental health issue (so Camhs can do nothing) and he very likely is not affected by a spectrum disorder. Fundamentally we are on our own, at least from an official point of view. The letdown from that meeting lasted a long time. As did the fact that she told me how concerned she was that A is becoming dependent on Camhs, in that he (in her view) plays up to get a Camhs appointment...she fears that he is suffering 'learned helplessness', that he sees Camhs as the solution every time. He was certainly upset when he realised that he wouldn't be going back, wouldn't be having his own appointments. Time will tell whether or not we will get help, but I'm feeling very down about the whole thing. I feel as though because A is not a typical case, for either mental health or any other help, he is falling through the cracks and I don't know what to do now. I'm angry, because he clearly needs help, he is crying out for help, and yet it feels as though they're using the excuse of him not fitting a category in order to deny him help. It's very frustrating and infuriating...I know that funding is an issue, but it feels wrong to me, that children can be written off and denied help like this. I can't do this on my own, I need official help, and so does A, but we're not getting it...and I'm scared and angry....

The afternoon brought some better news on the JSA front....I went into the job-centre and finally spoke to people who were a) competent and b) nice. To cut a very long story short, I now have the money owed to me from the 20th August onwards, and should be receiving JSA from now on. The reason I hadn't been getting that money? Well, incompetence and farce really.....when the original suspension was applied to my account the code used was basically made up. When they then updated my claim, instead of noting and sorting out the problem then, they simply set up and updated a new suspension....still with me??? Good....the original (incorrect) suspension remained on there, and this blocked payments - it also explains why nobody knew why the claim was still suspended...because the coding was totally wrong. As a result it took several people, a very long time going through all the codes in a vain attempt to cancel the original suspension....in the end they had to shut my claim down, and then pay me clerically...fingers crossed the claim has been reset ok, and I won't have further problems....

Tuesday night was horrific.....I'm not particularly proud of my actions and I hope you'll understand why I'm not willing to give more details here...Suffice it to say that A and I got into a knock-down, drag out fight when I finally snapped, fed up of being spoken to as though I was something he had trodden in. The end result was that A ran from the house at 10:30pm, the police were called and fortunately they found him..although it took an hour. He went to P's house, and I calmed down eventually. I'm not sure whether Tuesday night impacted on what happened at school on Wednesday, but it wouldn't surprise me. At 3pm Phil texted me to say that the school had rung him and said A was behaving badly. I rang, and spoke to a teacher who told me that A had been sent to IE, had refused to go and had then spent the next 2 hours running round school, jumping over furniture and shouting and swearing - all the while being chased by 3 teachers. They had finally managed to get him under control and, needless to say, they were furious.. I was as well, along with being embarrassed. They rang later and said that he was excluded from school for two days (today and tomorrow)....

Phil and I spent a long time talking to A last night, as we have done so many times before...We will have to take him into school for 11am on Monday, at which point we will all meet with his head of year etc., and hopefully get some sort of resolution...

Right now, I'm feeling numb....no matter what P and I do, and I'm sure that there is more we could do, A just carries on. The bullying is not helping, but because of the way A is behaving, the school is less sympathetic about that than we would like. It's a huge stinky mess and I hate it. I'm so angry that we're being left to deal with this alone, that they're ready to condemn him but the official help is not there. He has contact with MABS but that is clearly not enough and I know that help is out there - it's a matter of knowing the right words to say to get it.

So that's where we are.. I'm still trying to work things out in my head, and to understand what I need to do next. Feeling angry and helpless and trying to work through that as well. Confusion reigns I'm afraid, and I apologise for this....I just needed to get it all out on paper (screen?) and hopefully this will help...

Fun weekend....

First of all, a couple of corrections from the last entry.....I have been reminded that A is not the first great-grandchild to overtake my Nan in height, of course my cousin T's children have already done so...apologies and all that.....and I have also been asked to point out (emphatically, I believe) that even without the aid of high heels Auntie L is *still* taller than A...just....as I said to him, it won't be long before he's taller than all of us (well most of us...).....

So yeah, the weekend....it was good.....The train journey up was suitable stressful, well the first part was anyway - the gap between trains in Southampton is always tight, this time it was positively squeaky as there had been a signalling problem near London (or as Uncle A said, some toe-rag had nicked the signal wires)...for once I was grateful that the train up to Brum was also delayed....anyway, we made it... Even managed a nice relaxing evening.... Saturday morning was spent with A buying some helium balloons to release in remembrance of Jackamo...we attached notes to them, giving the website and asking people to check it out....then we went outside and sent them up into the sky....it was emotional, as was reading the FB page wall...so many people who have been affected by Jack....

One good thing about my parents moving up to Birmingham is that when we go up to visit, we get to see other family members....there were 11 of us at lunch on Saturday and it was fantastic to see everyone...I love my family dearly, and wish I lived closer - it would be lovely to see them more often....I have to admit that there are times when I seriously consider moving up to Brum - only the fact that A's dad lives down here stops me....Anyway, the time I spent with them on Saturday was a tonic...lots of laughter.... My cousin is getting married next year, and I can't wait...especially now I've seen a pic of the location (and heard more of the plans) - don't want to give anything away but suffice it to say that it should be a wonderful day....

When everyone had left, I curled up on the sofa with a book...and promptly fell asleep....well, I was tired....whilst I was asleep my darling dad, encouraged by my beloved son, took a picture of me and then posted it on FB...thanks Dad....I will get you back, when you least expect it *evil grin* ... Saturday evening was lovely, mum, dad and A played board games, whilst I chilled out, then dad put some Buddy Holly on (love Buddy Holly) and we all chilled...was so relaxing and so nice just to be together and ok.... sadly, the chilled out feeling didn't last as later on, when A and I had gone to bed he spotted a spider on his duvet and practically leapt across both beds screaming - the spider ended up being flung against the opposite wall....as you may gather both A and *hate* spiders....so the ol' heart was going like the clappers for quite a while - it took me ages to get to sleep.....and I kept thinking I had spiders crawling on me...sigh

Sunday meant travelling home again, albeit after a bit more time with mum and dad....the journey home wasn't too bad, but both A and I were exhausted and in bed at 9pm....yawn.....

Which brings me to today....and another soul destroying experience with the Jobcentre...signing on went ok (although they seemed to be slightly confused and somewhat peeved by the fact that I was early)...but then I asked about why my JSA was still suspended...and promptly descended down the rabbit hole...first of all I was told (surprise surprise) that the people at the call centre should have been able to tell me what was going on....then he decided that I'd have to speak to someone else, three desks along....she looked up various things on her computer and noted that I'd missed a meeting at Maximus (work program people), which I had but which I'd already sorted; I'd also missed a sign on, but for some bizarre reason they had it down as 1st October...when I pointed out to her that I'd signed on that day (showed her the signature etc.) she didn't seem too bothered...which annoyed me, I know what they're like - once it's on their computer system, it's true whether it bears any resemblance to reality or not... I foresee problems ahead regarding that, but maybe I'll be wrong... Anyway, cutting a very long story short - it seems that I needed to see a man who wasn't in today (gasps with shock), so I have to go back tomorrow at 2pm....I wasn't at all shocked to be told that he should have contacted me several weeks ago - but hasn't.... So, it's back down the rabbit hole tomorrow.... fingers crossed that I'll get somewhere....if not I'm contacting my MP and the CAB...

Tomorrow is a big day - A has his Camhs appointment at 10am...and it's really needed...His behaviour at school has deteriorated massively... I had a long talk with him at the weekend, a good talk because he was calm and listened and asked intelligent questions..I hoped that what I'd said had sunk in, but it seems that it hasn't...He was sent out of class for being rude to the teacher, then when he was in IE he ended up telling the teacher in charge that he was "well harsh", as well as swearing and throwing books around - upshot is, he's in IE all day tomorrow, although I'm not sure what time he'll get into school....sigh sigh sigh....  The school rung A's dad, not sure why they didn't ring me, but there you go... Anyway, when A got home, I let him know that I knew, but I was calm about it...until he told me what he'd said to the teacher in IE - then I just couldn't believe how stupid he'd been,...what did he think would happen when he said that??? He seems to have no conception of the consequences of his words, it's as if the fact that he thinks it, is enough to make it ok to say....you can tell him that it's wrong, and he'll get that but when it comes to the situations, he just doesn't seem to engage that internal filter we all have, which stops us saying stupid/rude things....his attitude is that, well the teacher was (in his opinion) being harsh, so he told him so...as if that was a totally reasonable thing to do.... I was so stunned I just told him how stupid that was, that he's a clever boy and he should know better... Fingers crossed that Camhs have something to help us...I don't know how much more of this I can take...he will be expelled at this rate.... Thankfully his behaviour at home has been ok, but he's been having more of the hyper episodes, where he will behave hysterically and repetitively - talking in silly voices, bouncing around, throwing things - all in a repetitive, compulsive way.... it's weird and very frustrating as I just have to let him get bored and tired, he won't stop otherwise..it's as if he's drunk (he's not)... There's a lot riding on this Camhs appointment tomorrow....

So there we are....big day tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.....

Family time..... :)

First of all an apology for my outburst on the last entry, I was (as you may have guessed) seriously cheesed off with the DWP/JSA people...but I have to say that I did feel better for venting... Wednesday morning saw me doing much the same thing in my appointment with Dave (my CBT therapist)...he was, infuriatingly, calm about it but what he said did make sense; there is very little I can do to influence this, so I do have to just let it go to an extent.... Having said that, I got home to find a letter from the tribunal service which promptly sent me through the roof again....oh dear....it seems that they have been making rather a lot of these punitive decisions recently, and therefore are having to have a correspondingly large number of tribunals....as a result it will take at least 11, and up to 15, weeks for me to get an tribunal appointment...sigh....and to make matters even more, um, interesting (and to cement my lack of faith in their ability to do anything right) they addressed the letter to Mrs N Easter...yes, that's right, some moron read my middle name (Esther) as Easter and decided to ignore my surname....I suppose I should be grateful that they had the rest of my info (NI number etc) correct.... Anyway, I have returned the letter confirming that yes I do wish to go to a tribunal, and I am now waiting (but not holding my breath) for a reply.....let's hope it's sometime this millenium....

I'm writing this, sat up in bed at my parents house, with A curled up asleep in the other single bed...no he's not snoring, at least not yet... We've come up for the weekend, and I'm really happy to be here. Apart from getting to see my parents for the first time in ages, tomorrow I get to see my Nan, two sets of Aunt/Uncle and my cousin and her fiance...woohoo..... I can't wait...It was my Nan's birthday today (92 years young) and I don't get to see her as much as I'd like. A loves seeing her as well, although given his enthusiasm for measuring his height against hers, she may not enjoy it as much...lol....in fact my Aunt will also have to put up with A comparing height with her...and I have a feeling that, given how much he has grown recently, for the first time Nan will have a great grandchild who is taller than her...as for Auntie L, well we shall see but she may want to wear some high heels..... ;-)

Tomorrow promises to be a good day in many ways, but it will also be tinged with sadness...it will be one year since Jack Marshall passed away, and more than ever he, and his family, are on my mind. A and I plan to get some balloons, and as it becoming traditional with Jack's Army, we will send them off, flying high... It is important to me to mark this day, to show that Jack is not forgotten...I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, or sibling, and so I have no idea how his parents and brother are feeling right now.....Emptiness, sadness, a feeling of anger that the world is such a cruel place....that's what's in my mind. I can't believe it's been a year...when I look at the pictures of Jack, I see a child who even in the depths of treatment, was so alive, so full of joy and giggles, and so so caring...he always smiled, he sang and danced and ran, even when he was having chemo, he laughed heartily, and most of all he loved...the love and happiness which Jack and his family shared is tangible in the photos... I've said many times that Jack is my hero and inspiration; he really and truly is.... He was 4 when he was diagnosed, and from then until he passed away he went through some really hard treatments, treatments which would, and do, floor adults, and which I can't imagine tolerating as well as he did...It would have been understandable if Jack had been sad, or angry...but he wasn't....he'd sing, even after coming out of serious operations, he'd run and giggle, he'd smile, he enjoyed watching football, eating milky bars, being with his family....even at the end, when he couldn't do as much as he used to, his eyes still smiled, and he still showed his love.... Jack reminds me everyday that just because life throws crap at me, I don't have to give up...that more than anything else has kept me going at times...I've felt sorry for myself, but I see my pics of Jack smiling and I think, if he could do that when he was having chemo, then I can do it too.... It's hugely unfair that Jack didn't get to live, didn't get to grow up and do all the things we take for granted; it's horrible that his parents and brother had to say goodbye, and have to live without him, in fact it's more than horrible, it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone....but his spirit is definitely living on; in the way he inspires people to go out and raise awareness, but also in the way in which many in Jack's Army lead day to day lives... To me, Jack deserves to be remembered, and honoured - he was an amazingly brave and caring child, and his legacy is definitely living on....

This week is a painful one; remembering Harry Mosely on the 8th, Jackamo on the 13th and then my friends dad on the 14th... They're missed, remembered, and loved...always.....

Autumn, and other things

As my li'l hero, Jack Marshall, would put it - it's been a bit rar rar rar recently (that's cold, by the way)....Autumn has most definitely arrived; bringing with it wind, rain, and shivers...how nice...well actually it would be, if only I didn't have to go out in the rain, lol.. I'm quite happy to be curled up, in the warm, with the cats and A and a good book, whilst the rain pours down outside....but life is full of fun times and that includes having to go out in the rain... At least going out, means ultimately coming back in again - and that means being able to look forward to getting warm and dry.... ahh now that's bliss.... I love that advert on the telly, for tea (Jonny Vegas and the monkey?) where they come in from the wet and warm up with a cuppa - that's my idea of a nice winter afternoon..

So, anyway, apart from my minor obsession with the weather, things have been alright recently....well mostly.... I've made a start on my dissertation, and have an appointment with my supervisor tomorrow - at which point I should have a better idea about what I need to do next, and what the timescale will be. Today I met up with my MA colleagues at Uni, which was great...we've decided to meet every two weeks, as we don't have any official meetings this year and we all know we need as much support and encouragement as possible. I'm remarkably calm about this whole dissertation business, well I am at the moment anyway. I think that's because I'm back in control, and am gradually getting my enthusiasm back...I feel more able to cope with the work, which is obviously good, and the fact that I have about 11 months before the deadline, is probably influencing my calm state of mind...having said that, I know that this time will pass quickly, and so I'm planning on setting myself some deadlines so that I don't lose focus..... I'm really glad that I've got a good set of friends doing the dissertation at the same time, because I know we're all going to be able to help each other, and for me, that extra encouragement will probably be vital.

Physically, things haven't been great recently....I'm feeling rather run down, and have the mouth ulcers to prove it.....Naturally at the start of term, all the kids come back and share their bugs around, and then bring them home to mum .... so both A and I have been fighting off a cold/virus for the last week or so, and both of us are fed up of it...to give A credit, he hasn't stayed off school, and both of us have kept going, but I think I speak for both of us when I say that we'd rather we could curl up in bed and sleep for a week....ah well...

One side effect of not feeling well is that we both have very short fuses - it's probably to our credit that we've only had one big argument, and A has done enormously well to control himself - previously he would have exploded and we'd have had ructions...as it is, he has managed to keep himself in check, when he's at home at least...School is another matter, and I fear that things will come to head on that front...I just hope that the Camhs appointment (which is next Wednesday) will help before things go too far.. I'm just holding my breath, and hoping that nothing too bad happens....It appears that A will control himself either at home or at school - but not both at the moment....and as nice as it is not to have him going for me, I hate that he is misbehaving at school...it's almost too hard to think about, worrying about the consequences and dreading a phone call to say he's been excluded... He doesn't seem to be too bothered, and that's not in an arrogant, 'I don't care' way, it's almost as if he doesn't realise the consequences of his behaviour (and yes he's been told), as if it's not real to him...I can't explain it (and I'm not excusing him) but he's not uncaring about the outcome, it's that he's just really calm about the whole thing - he doesn't always want to tell me what's happened but again, that seems to be more because he doesn't see why I'm interested....it's very strange, and worrying...

Having had a few weeks where I have felt ok, even happy at times, the last few days have been tough...nothing bad has happened, but my fears/anxieties have been to the fore again. I'm feeling stressed, and things have been getting to me....for example, small things such as my laptop battery being broken, have become a huge worry...likewise the ongoing saga of my JSA is really getting me down... I had the official paperwork through today, and although I haven't looked at it in detail, I did read the decision - which was 'favourable but not allowed'....now how does that make sense, how can they agree with me but not allow the appeal? I just feel defeated, really defeated... I did everything asked of me, I was honest, I told them every minor change in my circumstances, and I just feel as though they're kicking me in the teeth.... The money I get for JSA is £71 per week, not a small fortune I think you'll agree, but it makes all the difference to me. Without it I can't pay my bills or buy food for A and I...and what gets me the most is that sheer lack of empathy or any kind of caring from the DWP.... How do they expect us to live? It's this which upsets me the most, this total lack of any humanity from them...they stop my JSA, and they don't care, and they don't have to care, nobody is going to make them care, nobody is going to hold them to account, nobody is going to fight them (well apart from me), and I'm so angry and fed up with this situation.... If I didn't have so many kind family members (and friends), A and I would be starving and on the streets by now - and no, that's not an exaggeration.... I literally cannot live without JSA... I'm looking for jobs every day, but no luck so far - there aren't enough jobs for everyone, and I'm not a good candidate - I've not worked since 2005, and I have a degree and am doing an MA - so basically I'm either over qualified, or under qualified... go figure... So on top of the DWP dumping on me, I've got the depressing realisation that Argos/Boots/Tescos don't want to employ me to work on the tills....despite the fact that it would be a great job for me, and the fact that I would work hard, as far as they're concerned, I'm not suitable.... So the DWP take my JSA away, even though I've fulfilled all the requirements, and companies won't employ me - I can't even get past the initial online applications.... The thing with the DWP is that they're being deliberately awkward in the hope that I'll give up and go away, so I have to go through all this stress because they don't want to make a decision until they're forced to do so....how is that right? I don't know how long it will be before I get a tribunal date, and frankly the longer it goes on, the less able to cope I am....I just want it over, and sorted. I hate that they can do this to me. I know that people con them, but they can easily see that I'm not doing that...I've signed on, looked for work (still looking), and have been honest with them - but on a technicality, they're denying me the money which A and I need to survive...how is that right? Surely it should be resolved quicker, and with less stress...but the thing is that people on benefits are despised these days, looked down upon, viewed as scrounging scum, and so it's easy for the DWP to treat me like this...because who really cares? Who's going to stand up and shame them? And so I stay worrying, stressed, anxious and panicky, and they stay in their offices with no clue of how it really is, and people who look down on benefit claimants stay in their lives with their jobs and have no idea of how lucky they are.....

Sorry it's been such a downer of an entry, but I'm really really fed up and angry....and I can't hide it tonight....I tried, but I can't.... I know I'm lucky in so many ways, I know that...but right now, with this JSA/DWP mess hanging over me, I just feel tired and stressed and so very very fed up.....

Small moments of happiness.....

Thanks to the Sainsbury's advert I have the song 'Let's go Fly a Kite' going round and round in my head, like some kind of soundtrack....it could be worse, it could be the Go Compare jingle...oh...wait....gah....... ;)  In all seriousness, I do love this song..It may not be the coolest thing to admit but Mary Poppins is one of my favourite 'comfort' films...perfect for watching on a cold, wet bank holiday (which is most of them), or at Christmas...and that song does always make me smile...Even if I do keep on breaking into song at the drop of a hat - the cats love it, really they do....lol....

But if I'm actually singing, spontaneously, then things are looking up...right? Well yes, and no... Every week when I go to my CBT appointment I have to fill in a questionnaire about how I'm feeling - selecting the relevant frequency of different emotions.... The resulting 'scores' have been on a downward (i.e. good) trend every week, and I'm actually starting to feel the effects now. I'm still feeling low, and having anxiety attacks several times a week but in between those I'm feeling better, and even happy (hence the title of this post). I've even managed to achieve things which I've been putting off for ages...for example, on Tuesday I sorted through all my Uni notes etc. from last year, and organised my dissertation notes so I know where I am in relation to that. It may seem to be a small thing, but in relation to how I've been feeling, it's massive. I've also managed to make several phone calls which I'd been reluctant to do, and which (surprise surprise) weren't as hard to do as I'd feared. I'm still putting off other things, but I'm getting there...and talking to Dave at Talking Change has helped; he doesn't condemn me, he empathises, although he doesn't hesitate to point out if I'm doing something which will make things worse....over thinking things, for example - which, it turns out, I do a lot...oops....he's teaching me to plan, to have a route through the day, the week, the month, and to stick to it as  much as possible. It may seem simple but it's really helping and I can't say that I'd have thought to do it myself...Instead of being overwhelmed by tasks, or panicking about what to say in a phone call, I can plan when I will do things, and even write down bullet points of what to say in phone calls (although credit for the latter idea should go to my lovely Auntie who first suggested it).. When I started the CBT I didn't know what to expect, and honestly, I doubted how much help it would be...so I've been pleasantly surprised.....

However, as always, there is a 'but'...and, as always, it's self-inflicted....because the more moments of happiness I have, the more I find myself taking pleasure in life, and enjoying myself, and not being anxious and depressed for that moment..well, the more I then start fearing that it won't last, and that I'm kidding myself that I'm better....stupid I know, but it's almost automatic at the moment. I know how bad the lows are, and having been feeling better, I don't want to go back to that...but I fear it.. I'm definitely going to speak to Dave next week, and see what he suggests... See, I know that my fears are probably slightly irrational, and maybe they're even normal for this situation, but I still don't like it.... It just feels that at the moment I'm fighting not only the original anxiety/depression, but also these new fears...I'm trying to focus as much as I can on the moments of happiness, and to distract myself when I feel the fears coming back....there's not much else I can do but it is frustrating. 

In other news, A has been behaving really well at home - normal teenage grumps and rudeness aside - but his behaviour at school is deteriorating...sigh.... he seems to be in IE (internal exclusion) pretty much every day, and he has a detention tomorrow of up to TWO hours....that's following on from a 35 minute one today...He saw Bernard, the guy from MABS (multi agency behavioural support) today, and was given a gadget which measures how calm he is - basically he puts a finger on a sensor, and the device measures his heart rate and flashes red if he's angry, blue if he's calming down and green when he's calm....it's a good idea, and I hope it helps but I can't help being relieved that the Camhs appointment is only a week and half away... As relieved as I am that A is not going for me (at the moment), I hate the fact that his education is being affected....his attitude is so blase about IE etc., and it's not the teenage blase, it seems that he really doesn't realise the consequences of his actions, and views IE as just another place to be within school. He sees it as entirely reasonable to walk out of class when he's being picked on, or teased...and the other week, some kids were apparently trying to get him into trouble in class, they failed, but he lost his temper and got himself into trouble...now, I was bullied and I know how horrible it is, and I know that really he is doing what he needs to do, in a way...but oh how I wish he would do what's right for him, and stay in class...because all that's happening now is that he is in trouble and the focus is on him and not on the bullies - but no matter how often I say that to him, he never listens... Sigh... However, it would be much worse if he were attacking me as well as misbehaving at school, and I'm so glad that we're getting on at the moment...it's much nicer...

I've been back on my bike again this week, and although I'm feeling the effect in my knee (which is protesting rather a lot), I do feel good for doing so. A has an inset day on Monday, and I really hope that the weather is nice, although I'll settle for it not being wet and windy, so that we can go for a bike ride together....

Finally, I wanted to mention the horrible situation involving little April Jones [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-19836929] - as a parent it is my worst nightmare, and I can't imagine how her parents are feeling.... Not surprisingly there has been a lot of criticism of her parents for letting her play out at that time, and I really think it's harsh and unfair.... Looking at the layout of her neighbourhood, and the fact that she was with other children, I can't say that I'd have done any differently. And I've been there, when A hasn't come home on time, or has run away; not knowing is so so horrible, and you always, always feel as though it's your fault...but the fact is that 99% of the time, the same situation would result in, well, nothing..as in the child comes home, nothing happens to them...but that 1% of the time, well how can you legislate, how can you protect against that? The scary thing is you can't....and I think that's what makes us all look at the parents and say 'well they shouldn't have....' - because that means that our child will be ok, because we'd never let it happen...we don't want to face the fact that we can't protect our children 100% of the time which means that there's a chance that we will feel the gut wrenching terror which the Jones family are feeling right now.... I really hope that she comes home safely, and I know that it has happened (Jaycee Dugard for e.g.)... But if she doesn't then the only person to blame is the person who took her, not her parents....all they did was allow their daughter to play with her friends, in a place which should have been safe - the person who abducted her made that place unsafe, no one else did.... 

Right, that's it from me for now.....am off to bed.... *yawn* :)

And so it's October...........

Well...here is October...again.....in many ways one of my favourite months, although it is also, especially this year, a sad month as well...... The good parts: A's birthday, his cousin's birthday, my Nan's birthday, several other friends also have birthdays, half-term (at the end of the month), I get to see my parents (and other lovely relatives) mid-way through the month.....but the sad part is that the 13th will mark one year, one whole year, since my li'l hero and inspiration Jack Marshall passed away....I cannot believe that the year has gone so fast, that it's been a whole 12 months without Jackamo, and if I feel like that, I can only imagine how his parents and brother are feeling... The 'anniversary' (if I can call it that) falls on the Saturday of my visit to my parents, but I have already sorted out where I'm going to get some balloons from, so that A and I can release them for Jack.... That same day is also the birthday of one of my Jack's Army friends... it's a month with so much in it, and yet it's the absence of Jack which is felt most clearly.....

A week later A will turn 13...and will be officially a teenager - needless to say he's made a head start on the whole teenage attitude thing...I actually can't believe I'm going to be the mother of a teenager, it doesn't seem right... not enough time has passed for him to be 13...lol... In all seriousness, he is really growing up....he's always been tall but I think he will finally overtake me this year, his voice is breaking, he's definitely discovered that girls can be fun, and don't smell or have cooties (whatever they are.... US friends, enlighten me please), he's finding it necessary to wear the 'right' clothes...I could go on.... It's sweet, in a way, but also kinda scary because it reminds me that time is passing quickly, and that before I know it he will be doing exams and leaving school.... I remember my 13th birthday, I thought I was so grown up... I also remember what I got up to at that age, and it's not a comforting thought.... I believe that I will now suffer in the way I made my parents suffer....so that's ok then.... sigh.....

Things are ok at the moment...up and down....as per usual... I'm making myself do things, go out for a walk etc., even though I don't feel like it - and the weather isn't exactly helping.... Going to sign on today meant cycling in the manky rain, and it took about 6 hours for me to warm up again when I got home *shiver* ... I intended to start sorting through my notes/research for the dissertation today but instead I spent the afternoon snuggled under a blanket and a cat, on the sofa trying to warm up.....so tomorrow will be a busy day of phone calls and paperwork...yay for me....

The DWP are not helping my peace of mind....it turns out that the reason I've not been paid since August, despite them apparently saying that I should have been, is that they have decided (again) not to pay me - and haven't told me why...Instead I have to ring up and ask them...which is nice... I'm not paranoid but I'm seriously starting to take this personally...I don't know how much more of this I can take, because it's getting ridiculous...I've followed all the rules, I've done everything I have to do - and they still won't back down....it's ok for them, they've got jobs, they've got money, they don't have to care - it's not them who are struggling... I swear they think that all benefit recipients have millions stashed away, and we're all on the rob....such lazy prejudiced thinking is hurting people who don't deserve it... I know that my next move will be to contact my MP - but, oh dear - she's a Tory, so forgive me for not having that much faith in her, and her ability to sympathise, help and do the right thing....maybe she'll surprise me but given that she once worked in PR for Dubya I doubt it somehow....anyone who can try to whitewash that man must be an accomplished liar and not care too much about those who aren't rich and powerful...ok, cynic mode disabled (for now)... We will see, but I'm really fed up....

I can see what the doctor meant, when he said that the CBT would make me feel worse before I felt better; all sorts of feelings are churned up at the moment, mainly anxiety and fear of taking actions (making phone calls for e.g.) even if they are vital... It sounds stupid, but the thought of having to ring the DWP just makes me feel sick....I don't even know what it is that's bothering me so much; fear that they won't listen to me, fear that I'll get upset, fear of being laughed at, fear that I won't get anywhere? All of the above I think.... Panic attacks are disabling on so many levels, not just the physical symptoms, but the mental angst as well - the fact that my thoughts go round and round, the way I will run through a scenario in my head, which may never happen, but which is enough to panic me, and the way I can have a coherent speech in my head, but then go to pot when I open my mouth.... I'm finding myself avoiding making these phone calls, which only means that I feel the pressure to make them - and that makes everything worse..... I have to just man up, and do it...fingers crossed that I'm hard enough on myself tomorrow, and get it done....

Today was the deadline for the full timers to hand in their MA dissertations, and it's a weird feeling for me.. I'm so proud of my friends, all their hard work and blood/sweat/tears over the last year will (hopefully) have paid off... I'm glad that I made the decision to suspend though; I know that I wouldn't have done myself justice and carrying on would have been stubborn and wrong. As it is, I am determined to get on and work as hard as I can, to make the most of this opportunity, so that when I do hand it in, in a year, I know that I've done all I could.... I'm looking forward to getting back into research, reading and writing...the break has done me the world of good and the fact that I have a year to complete this, means that I will, hopefully, be able to pace myself. I intend to allow myself time for myself, time to spend with A, time with friends and family...I know that without all that I won't work well, and I won't do myself justice... I'm excited at getting back into it, even just thinking about it now is making me smile.. Tomorrow is all about diving into the work I've done so far, and planning the year ahead.... :D

So that's where I am right now... the diet is still going well, although I noticed that even a week off the cycling means I struggle when I get back on. I'm taking in notches on my belt, and it feels good. I hope my relatives notice a difference when they see me in a week or so. Emotionally, I'm nowhere near where I want to be - but I'm hopeful...One foot in front of the other, keep on doing the things which are tough, but which have to be done, be kind to myself (as so many people have said to me), and fingers crossed, one day I'll realise that yes I am ok, and I'm managing alright..... This blog really helps, it may sometimes feel like I'm just writing a diary, but it all helps. I often find myself sleeping better when I've blogged, because I've got all the worries out, and they're not waiting to ambush me when I'm asleep.. I'm trying to enjoy the times when I am happy, and not to worry too much about the times when I feel down, confused, panicky, and stressed....it will happen, and I'm learning to cope with it. Frustration is always there, because I still put things off (see above), but worrying about it, and getting angry with myself just makes things worse...although not getting upset is easier said than done... A's behaviour, at home at least, has been ok - he almost lost his cool today but I managed to remind him of how well he'd done controlling himself so far, and he calmed himself down... School is another matter, and it appears that his behaviour is deteriorating there. That's a concern, but I'm planning on emailing his head of year, and he has a Camhs appointment in two weeks...I'm learning that I have to stop stressing about things I have no control over. I will carry on doing the things I need to do, and being there for him, and the school, but ultimately I know that until we've seen Camhs, there's not much I can do...he needs help and proper assessment...fingers crossed he gets it...

Right, enough from me tonight... I need to go to bed.... keep smiling lovely people :)