But if I'm actually singing, spontaneously, then things are looking up...right? Well yes, and no... Every week when I go to my CBT appointment I have to fill in a questionnaire about how I'm feeling - selecting the relevant frequency of different emotions.... The resulting 'scores' have been on a downward (i.e. good) trend every week, and I'm actually starting to feel the effects now. I'm still feeling low, and having anxiety attacks several times a week but in between those I'm feeling better, and even happy (hence the title of this post). I've even managed to achieve things which I've been putting off for ages...for example, on Tuesday I sorted through all my Uni notes etc. from last year, and organised my dissertation notes so I know where I am in relation to that. It may seem to be a small thing, but in relation to how I've been feeling, it's massive. I've also managed to make several phone calls which I'd been reluctant to do, and which (surprise surprise) weren't as hard to do as I'd feared. I'm still putting off other things, but I'm getting there...and talking to Dave at Talking Change has helped; he doesn't condemn me, he empathises, although he doesn't hesitate to point out if I'm doing something which will make things worse....over thinking things, for example - which, it turns out, I do a lot...oops....he's teaching me to plan, to have a route through the day, the week, the month, and to stick to it as much as possible. It may seem simple but it's really helping and I can't say that I'd have thought to do it myself...Instead of being overwhelmed by tasks, or panicking about what to say in a phone call, I can plan when I will do things, and even write down bullet points of what to say in phone calls (although credit for the latter idea should go to my lovely Auntie who first suggested it).. When I started the CBT I didn't know what to expect, and honestly, I doubted how much help it would be...so I've been pleasantly surprised.....
However, as always, there is a 'but'...and, as always, it's self-inflicted....because the more moments of happiness I have, the more I find myself taking pleasure in life, and enjoying myself, and not being anxious and depressed for that moment..well, the more I then start fearing that it won't last, and that I'm kidding myself that I'm better....stupid I know, but it's almost automatic at the moment. I know how bad the lows are, and having been feeling better, I don't want to go back to that...but I fear it.. I'm definitely going to speak to Dave next week, and see what he suggests... See, I know that my fears are probably slightly irrational, and maybe they're even normal for this situation, but I still don't like it.... It just feels that at the moment I'm fighting not only the original anxiety/depression, but also these new fears...I'm trying to focus as much as I can on the moments of happiness, and to distract myself when I feel the fears coming back....there's not much else I can do but it is frustrating.
In other news, A has been behaving really well at home - normal teenage grumps and rudeness aside - but his behaviour at school is deteriorating...sigh.... he seems to be in IE (internal exclusion) pretty much every day, and he has a detention tomorrow of up to TWO hours....that's following on from a 35 minute one today...He saw Bernard, the guy from MABS (multi agency behavioural support) today, and was given a gadget which measures how calm he is - basically he puts a finger on a sensor, and the device measures his heart rate and flashes red if he's angry, blue if he's calming down and green when he's calm....it's a good idea, and I hope it helps but I can't help being relieved that the Camhs appointment is only a week and half away... As relieved as I am that A is not going for me (at the moment), I hate the fact that his education is being affected....his attitude is so blase about IE etc., and it's not the teenage blase, it seems that he really doesn't realise the consequences of his actions, and views IE as just another place to be within school. He sees it as entirely reasonable to walk out of class when he's being picked on, or teased...and the other week, some kids were apparently trying to get him into trouble in class, they failed, but he lost his temper and got himself into trouble...now, I was bullied and I know how horrible it is, and I know that really he is doing what he needs to do, in a way...but oh how I wish he would do what's right for him, and stay in class...because all that's happening now is that he is in trouble and the focus is on him and not on the bullies - but no matter how often I say that to him, he never listens... Sigh... However, it would be much worse if he were attacking me as well as misbehaving at school, and I'm so glad that we're getting on at the moment...it's much nicer...
I've been back on my bike again this week, and although I'm feeling the effect in my knee (which is protesting rather a lot), I do feel good for doing so. A has an inset day on Monday, and I really hope that the weather is nice, although I'll settle for it not being wet and windy, so that we can go for a bike ride together....
Finally, I wanted to mention the horrible situation involving little April Jones [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-19836929] - as a parent it is my worst nightmare, and I can't imagine how her parents are feeling.... Not surprisingly there has been a lot of criticism of her parents for letting her play out at that time, and I really think it's harsh and unfair.... Looking at the layout of her neighbourhood, and the fact that she was with other children, I can't say that I'd have done any differently. And I've been there, when A hasn't come home on time, or has run away; not knowing is so so horrible, and you always, always feel as though it's your fault...but the fact is that 99% of the time, the same situation would result in, well, nothing..as in the child comes home, nothing happens to them...but that 1% of the time, well how can you legislate, how can you protect against that? The scary thing is you can't....and I think that's what makes us all look at the parents and say 'well they shouldn't have....' - because that means that our child will be ok, because we'd never let it happen...we don't want to face the fact that we can't protect our children 100% of the time which means that there's a chance that we will feel the gut wrenching terror which the Jones family are feeling right now.... I really hope that she comes home safely, and I know that it has happened (Jaycee Dugard for e.g.)... But if she doesn't then the only person to blame is the person who took her, not her parents....all they did was allow their daughter to play with her friends, in a place which should have been safe - the person who abducted her made that place unsafe, no one else did....
Right, that's it from me for now.....am off to bed.... *yawn* :)
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