Yeah, so...I had planned to blog about my weekend today (and don't worry, I shall share the gory details still) but sadly the DWP have decided that they're not quite finished in their attempts to make my life as difficult as possible, and so reared their collective, ugly heads today....so I do hope you're prepared for a long blog post....might want to get comfy, maybe make a cuppa and get a biscuit.....ok then, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin*
*bonus point for anyone who can tell me which show that originated from
Right...so.... As you know, I took part in the Great South Run 5k on Saturday....and I'm pleased to say that I did it in a time of 1 hour and 5 minutes, which is 10 minutes faster than my time for the Race for Life in June. I was the only one walking it, and so was at the back and last, all the way round. It was a bit embarrassing, being on my own like that...I felt very self conscious and a bit panicky but that did pass....After a while I found myself being looked after by the 'last runner' stewards...at all these races they have stewards on bikes who ride behind the last runner (or walker in my case), along with a paramedic...so I walked 5k accompanied by 4 lovely men, and yes I took the chance to tell them about Jack...so there's another reason why I didn't mind being last..... The weather was sunny but COLD...very very cold....It was lovely to be walking along the seafront in the sunshine but a bit more warmth wouldn't have gone amiss....Even walking steadily didn't keep me all that warm....however I was in awe of the stewards who had to stand still at points along the route, waiting for participants to come past so that they could direct them, and cheer them on.. The people who came to watch, and the stewards, were brilliant; cheering us on and clapping, encouraging everyone, including me. Hearing the applause, and the 'come on you can do it' was really good, it definitely helped me to keep going.... I was pleased (and relieved) to finish though, and I've got my medal and t-shirt to prove that I actually did it... I'm hoping that I'll be able to jog/run it next year...that's the plan anyway....
Once I'd finished, I cycled up to the Uni library to meet K, a friend who's doing the MA starting this year...I wanted to share my pearls of wisdom with her, and she'd promised me a cuppa and a mars bar....it was good to see her and I'm so glad she was there because at the end of our get together I had a funny turn....well, I nearly fainted...not good..apparently I turned a lovely shade of yellow... I'm not 100% sure what caused it, but I think it was a combination of dehydration (because it was so cold I'd not drunk as much water during the walk as I would have done otherwise), a virus (dodgy stomach the night before turned out not to be nerves) and being extremely cold....Anyway, my plans to attend my li'l friend N's 3rd birthday party that afternoon went out of the window, and I had to be taken home in a cab...A told me I looked like a ghost, then settled me on the sofa and headed of to party with N at Pirate Pete's....I sat on the sofa under 3 blankets and tried to warm up....it took me nearly 4 hours to do so....
Sunday was so much better, although I still felt a bit wobbly, I felt well enough to go over to J and L's for N's birthday...A and I had a lovely Sunday, eating a roast dinner and chilling out with friends... And then later on I found out that my cousin's wife, K, was going to be in Pompey today and made arrangements to meet up....all in all, I felt pretty good yesterday...not looking forward to having to go into the JobCentre today but apart from that, ok...I should have known.......
Anyway, remember how I said a couple of weeks ago, that it appeared my JSA issues were all resolved? Yeah, well...seems I underestimated the DWP's desire to screw with people's lives in a vain attempt to prove that they can deal with all them 'orrible scrounging benefit claimants....And today I found out that I was wrong in thinking it was sorted..because it is very far from being sorted......*takes deep breath*
I should have known it wasn't going to be good when my name was called by the same bitch (sorry mum) who I saw in June when I was originally denied my JSA....Wherever she has been in the meantime it hasn't done her any good, and she was as horrible today as she was back then...from the moment I went over she had a look on her face as though I was something she'd stepped in, and the only time she smiled was when she told me that I wouldn't be getting JSA anymore...oh yeah, she enjoyed telling me that.... Seems as though they've found two reasons to deny me now....she wasn't happy when I refused to accept what she was saying and (politely) asked to see someone else...apparently I was holding her up in her important work of spreading misery and despair amongst the unemployed of Pompey... Anyway, eventually I got to speak to someone who was, at least, polite and fairly kind. Now, and reasonably you may think (I do), the DWP don't allow people to miss many sign ons for sickness before they start asking questions...however, and unsurprisingly, they have made the regulations ridiculous and unfair .... basically each claimant is allowed 2 periods of sickness, of up to 14 days each, in any one year..once you have a third they close your claim...however the pertinent information is the 'two periods', not the number of days..and this means that I lose my JSA - Since January I have missed 2 sign ons (migraine) and one meeting with the work placement people (24 hour bug)....so that's 3 days in total.... please note that I could have had 28 days of sickness if I'd been so inclined, without losing JSA...but 3 individual instances, oh no, can't have that.....
Ok, I was thinking, they close my claim, they say I can reapply....but wait, not so fast, if I do that I still won't get JSA because even though I am now considered a p/t student by the Uni, in the eyes of the DWP I am still f/t....they seem to think that I'm lying, trying to pull a fast one.... The actual phrase they used was "just because Mrs Measures says she is a part time student, does not mean that this is the case"....yeah, they just called me a liar, albeit very subtly.... Needless to say I was really upset about all this, and to make matter worse A was with me (it's half term this week and he wanted to come into town with me)...bless his heart, he was a good boy, stayed calm and well behaved and gave me a cuddle when we left the JCP... No matter what I said, the staff at the JCP just didn't give monkeys...I was told that their hands were tied, nothing they could do, that it didn't matter that I wouldn't have money to pay bills or feed A, or that I'd done everything I'd been asked to do....to make matters worse, it appears that they'd lost one of my sick forms, so I had to complete another one, and the advisor hinted to me that if I were to lie and say that two sickness instances were actually all one instance, then I wouldn't have my claim shut down.... Tempting for about, ooooh, a nanosecond...before I thought, no I've not lied to them, not going to start now and told him that.... He kept saying that the decision makers didn't have a choice, had to go by law but when I pointed out that I knew people in the same situation as me, who were allowed to claim, he then said that appeals can be made, and can change the rules - which puzzled me because then surely I wouldn't have this problem....none of this makes any sense, other than by accepting that as with all bureaucracies, it's a huge mess, no one wants to take responsibility or care, and the only way you get anything is by shouting the loudest....
I came out of the JCP feeling beaten down and dumped on...A brief browse in the library did help, and meeting up with K for lunch was just what I needed....for all the crap the DWP have put me through, I am so so lucky in having amazing friends and family...I'm really glad that my cousin S married K, cos she's a diamond and it was so fab that (coincidentally) I met up with her just after having such a bad morning...it was good to talk things through and to catch up generally... There is something about being with a friend who knows you, and who is trusted, it's so nice not to have to fake being happy or whatever....and interestingly, not having to fake it actually means it's often genuine happiness....if that makes sense... For all the horribleness of the morning, lunch definitely made up for it.....
Right now, I'm sitting on the sofa and my head still aches (and my eyes are still sore) from crying earlier....The fact is that I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed; I'm so fed up of fighting the DWP and I thought I'd just have to get the tribunal out of the way next week (7th) and it would be done, I thought that after my meeting with the manager a couple of weeks ago, that it was sorted from now on...and I was wrong...and the thought of having to fight again makes me feel sick and breathless..but I have no choice, and so I will.... Basically though I have realised that I am in no fit state to work at the moment. It's so hard, because it's all invisible in terms of symptoms, but I know that if I didn't have A, I would very likely not leave the house or interact with people (apart from maybe close friends)...I panic at the thought of having to go out (not agoraphobia), at having to talk to people and do new things...Uni work is different, it's solitary and the pressure is entirely self created...if I'm having a bad day then I can decide to take time off, to calm down etc., but with work - I can't do that...if A is having a bad time, then work will sack me. When he was excluded the other week, if I'd had a job then it scares me what would have happened... the pressure of a job and of dealing with A scares me silly, even just thinking now as I write, is making me breathless and nauseous. I am going to the doctors on Thursday for a follow up appointment and I'm planning on asking her to sign me off; if she does so then I will contact the DWP and go from there. If she doesn't then I shall wait for the outcome of the tribunal before deciding what to do next.
One thing has struck me through all of this; there is a deep seated belief (one which affects staff at the JCP/DWP as well), that benefit claimants are all lying, cheating, scrounging scum who could work, but don't and who can be looked down upon and judged....well, I grant you that there are some who are like that but they are the minority...most of them are like me, people who, for whatever reason, aren't working, who cannot survive without the support of benefits, and who are not living the highlife on £72 per week...sadly, the tabloid 'propaganda', repeated daily, seems to be influencing many people, people who are kind and caring in many other ways, and these people judge me every single day...they think I shouldn't get JSA, but they also would hold me wholly responsible for A's behaviour even if I'd been left with no choice but to leave him unsupervised whilst I worked, they think that I'm skiving on 'their' money, and that if only there were no benefit claimants we'd all be happy and have lots of money.... All I want to say is, that (like a kind of reverse lottery) it could be you in my position...there is no guarantee, especially these days, that jobs will last...maybe one day it will be you having to claim, being judged...people who claim benefits are like everyone else; there are nice ones and nasty ones, good ones and bad ones, normal ones and weirdos... I know that times are tough right now, no one has to point that out to me, but hating people on benefits doesn't help. The jobs are not there, not for everyone, not even for most people, the recession has seen to that; companies need to make profits and managers etc., won't employ staff if it means that profits (and thus their bonuses) will go down...fair enough you may think - but fewer people working means less tax being paid, and more going out in benefit support....which will eventually mean higher taxes..because however much the posho's in government hate the poor, they can't actually let them die because then people might think they were mean and not vote for them.... So rather than accusing the less well off of being jealous, of wanting everyone to be poor, why don't they create jobs? Why don't they get people into work, why don't they take a risk and maybe, they'll be the hero who begins the recovery...but I don't think they will, because (and maybe understandably) they don't want to lose money themselves, they'd rather keep their bonuses, than give someone else a job...maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm too cynical and too harsh but when you've been turned down for so many jobs (many of which have been filled internally, only advertised because they have to by law), it's so hard to take being judged....
Ok, I'm shutting up now.....
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