Well...here is October...again.....in many ways one of my favourite months, although it is also, especially this year, a sad month as well...... The good parts: A's birthday, his cousin's birthday, my Nan's birthday, several other friends also have birthdays, half-term (at the end of the month), I get to see my parents (and other lovely relatives) mid-way through the month.....but the sad part is that the 13th will mark one year, one whole year, since my li'l hero and inspiration Jack Marshall passed away....I cannot believe that the year has gone so fast, that it's been a whole 12 months without Jackamo, and if I feel like that, I can only imagine how his parents and brother are feeling... The 'anniversary' (if I can call it that) falls on the Saturday of my visit to my parents, but I have already sorted out where I'm going to get some balloons from, so that A and I can release them for Jack.... That same day is also the birthday of one of my Jack's Army friends... it's a month with so much in it, and yet it's the absence of Jack which is felt most clearly.....
A week later A will turn 13...and will be officially a teenager - needless to say he's made a head start on the whole teenage attitude thing...I actually can't believe I'm going to be the mother of a teenager, it doesn't seem right... not enough time has passed for him to be 13...lol... In all seriousness, he is really growing up....he's always been tall but I think he will finally overtake me this year, his voice is breaking, he's definitely discovered that girls can be fun, and don't smell or have cooties (whatever they are.... US friends, enlighten me please), he's finding it necessary to wear the 'right' clothes...I could go on.... It's sweet, in a way, but also kinda scary because it reminds me that time is passing quickly, and that before I know it he will be doing exams and leaving school.... I remember my 13th birthday, I thought I was so grown up... I also remember what I got up to at that age, and it's not a comforting thought.... I believe that I will now suffer in the way I made my parents suffer....so that's ok then.... sigh.....
Things are ok at the moment...up and down....as per usual... I'm making myself do things, go out for a walk etc., even though I don't feel like it - and the weather isn't exactly helping.... Going to sign on today meant cycling in the manky rain, and it took about 6 hours for me to warm up again when I got home *shiver* ... I intended to start sorting through my notes/research for the dissertation today but instead I spent the afternoon snuggled under a blanket and a cat, on the sofa trying to warm up.....so tomorrow will be a busy day of phone calls and paperwork...yay for me....
The DWP are not helping my peace of mind....it turns out that the reason I've not been paid since August, despite them apparently saying that I should have been, is that they have decided (again) not to pay me - and haven't told me why...Instead I have to ring up and ask them...which is nice... I'm not paranoid but I'm seriously starting to take this personally...I don't know how much more of this I can take, because it's getting ridiculous...I've followed all the rules, I've done everything I have to do - and they still won't back down....it's ok for them, they've got jobs, they've got money, they don't have to care - it's not them who are struggling... I swear they think that all benefit recipients have millions stashed away, and we're all on the rob....such lazy prejudiced thinking is hurting people who don't deserve it... I know that my next move will be to contact my MP - but, oh dear - she's a Tory, so forgive me for not having that much faith in her, and her ability to sympathise, help and do the right thing....maybe she'll surprise me but given that she once worked in PR for Dubya I doubt it somehow....anyone who can try to whitewash that man must be an accomplished liar and not care too much about those who aren't rich and powerful...ok, cynic mode disabled (for now)... We will see, but I'm really fed up....
I can see what the doctor meant, when he said that the CBT would make me feel worse before I felt better; all sorts of feelings are churned up at the moment, mainly anxiety and fear of taking actions (making phone calls for e.g.) even if they are vital... It sounds stupid, but the thought of having to ring the DWP just makes me feel sick....I don't even know what it is that's bothering me so much; fear that they won't listen to me, fear that I'll get upset, fear of being laughed at, fear that I won't get anywhere? All of the above I think.... Panic attacks are disabling on so many levels, not just the physical symptoms, but the mental angst as well - the fact that my thoughts go round and round, the way I will run through a scenario in my head, which may never happen, but which is enough to panic me, and the way I can have a coherent speech in my head, but then go to pot when I open my mouth.... I'm finding myself avoiding making these phone calls, which only means that I feel the pressure to make them - and that makes everything worse..... I have to just man up, and do it...fingers crossed that I'm hard enough on myself tomorrow, and get it done....
Today was the deadline for the full timers to hand in their MA dissertations, and it's a weird feeling for me.. I'm so proud of my friends, all their hard work and blood/sweat/tears over the last year will (hopefully) have paid off... I'm glad that I made the decision to suspend though; I know that I wouldn't have done myself justice and carrying on would have been stubborn and wrong. As it is, I am determined to get on and work as hard as I can, to make the most of this opportunity, so that when I do hand it in, in a year, I know that I've done all I could.... I'm looking forward to getting back into research, reading and writing...the break has done me the world of good and the fact that I have a year to complete this, means that I will, hopefully, be able to pace myself. I intend to allow myself time for myself, time to spend with A, time with friends and family...I know that without all that I won't work well, and I won't do myself justice... I'm excited at getting back into it, even just thinking about it now is making me smile.. Tomorrow is all about diving into the work I've done so far, and planning the year ahead.... :D
So that's where I am right now... the diet is still going well, although I noticed that even a week off the cycling means I struggle when I get back on. I'm taking in notches on my belt, and it feels good. I hope my relatives notice a difference when they see me in a week or so. Emotionally, I'm nowhere near where I want to be - but I'm hopeful...One foot in front of the other, keep on doing the things which are tough, but which have to be done, be kind to myself (as so many people have said to me), and fingers crossed, one day I'll realise that yes I am ok, and I'm managing alright..... This blog really helps, it may sometimes feel like I'm just writing a diary, but it all helps. I often find myself sleeping better when I've blogged, because I've got all the worries out, and they're not waiting to ambush me when I'm asleep.. I'm trying to enjoy the times when I am happy, and not to worry too much about the times when I feel down, confused, panicky, and stressed....it will happen, and I'm learning to cope with it. Frustration is always there, because I still put things off (see above), but worrying about it, and getting angry with myself just makes things worse...although not getting upset is easier said than done... A's behaviour, at home at least, has been ok - he almost lost his cool today but I managed to remind him of how well he'd done controlling himself so far, and he calmed himself down... School is another matter, and it appears that his behaviour is deteriorating there. That's a concern, but I'm planning on emailing his head of year, and he has a Camhs appointment in two weeks...I'm learning that I have to stop stressing about things I have no control over. I will carry on doing the things I need to do, and being there for him, and the school, but ultimately I know that until we've seen Camhs, there's not much I can do...he needs help and proper assessment...fingers crossed he gets it...
Right, enough from me tonight... I need to go to bed.... keep smiling lovely people :)
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