Smiling a real smile, for the first time in a long time

Well....it's been a bit of a whirlwind this last week. I can't actually remember when I last blogged and I'm sure I'll leave bits out, but there you go. So, here's a (brief) update on what's been going on....

So, last Wednesday was the big day with regard to my ESA benefit appeal. I was very nervous, as you can imagine. I was also nervous for another reason, which I'll get to a little later on...so on Wednesday morning, after a disturbed sleep, I was awake early and feeling sick. I was very lucky that my fabulous friend J had agreed to come with me. Noticing how nervous I was, and being the lovely son that he can be, A offered to come with me to the station and keep me company until the train arrived. It was the best thing he could have done, as having him there took my mind of the tribunal, and allowed me to relax a little bit. J joined the train at Fratton, and we spent the journey talking about my other news (*big grin*) which also helped to make me feel somewhat calmer. When we got to Havant we eventually managed to find our way out of the station and onto the correct road, and finally into the tribunal centre. We didn't have long to wait, which was nice as I was starting to get nervous again. When we went into the courtroom, the judge didn't even wait until I'd sat down before saying "well I'm very sympathetic to this case but I have to go through the points the DWP have raised".... As you can imagine I was really pleased by this, but (being me) didn't want to get my hopes up too much.... He then proceeded to ask me several questions about my house, the post which had gone missing, and what I'd said to Atos and the DWP. It seemed to go on forever but was actually only about 5-10 minutes. He then looked at me and said, "I'm going to allow this appeal". YAY.. I was sooo pleased and relieved. He said he was allowing it for two reasons, one because the DWP had accepted the reason for missing the appointment the first time, so they should have accepted it again the next time and two, because they had failed to follow their own rules regarding taking into account all health issues. J and I walked out there with HUGE smiles on our faces, and did a little dance of joy. We had to wait for them to get me a copy of the decision, but once we got it, it was off to a local cafe for a cuppa and a kitkat (yeah we know how to celebrate in style...lol...)...

I'm sure you can all imagine how relieved I am. I should get all the ESA backdated, other issues such as council tax benefit will be reinstated, and (more to the point) common sense has actually prevailed... I've yet to hear from the DWP regarding when they'll actually reinstate my ESA but I plan to ring them tomorrow to chase it up. I'm not exactly convinced that they'll be rushing to do it, so I think it's best to keep on top of them.. :) Having this resolved has been a huge weight off my shoulders, and has improved my mood no end. Although there have been other developments which have also cheered me up... and I guess it's about time that I shared those with you.

Some of you, maybe all of you, will already know this. But for those of you who don't, I'm no longer single and lonely...yay for me.. I really wasn't expecting this and so, although it's been on the cards for some time now, I'm still slightly stunned...but very happy. I'm not going to bore you all, or nauseate you, with the details, but for those of you who, like me, love to know the story, here are the highlights:
His name is Jack, and we met 4 years ago when he came to uni in Pompey. I rather liked him then, but it wasn't to be as he got together with a friend of mine. But we did become good friends, and things stayed that way for a year or so. Sadly, and due to the actions of others, the group of friends broke apart, things changed, I finished my degree, and we lost touch...in all honesty, although I hoped we'd get back in touch, I wasn't convinced we would. Last year, however, I was in a meeting with my dissertation supervisor when who should knock on the door but Jack....I was shocked, and stupidly didn't take the chance to get back in touch...I kicked myself for that. I ummed and ahhed about finding him, and adding him, on Facebook, but again, chickened out. Then I noticed he was in a group I'm in on FB, and, although it took me another month, I eventually friend requested him. Long story short, we started chatting, and things developed from there. We met up again at his graduation, and he came down again last week......and the rest, as they say, is history (which is apt, considering we're both history geeks). I don't think I've smiled so much in years. I'm not going into gushy detail, that's not my thing, but I feel very fortunate right now. The things we have in common, not to mention how lovely he is to me, make me feel properly good about myself for the first time in ages. I can't help pinching myself sometimes, because I never really expected this to happen. :)

Right now, I'm sitting on the sofa, next to my darling god-daughter S, with my bestie, C, sitting next to her and A sitting on the balcony with C's daughter Ch...They've come down for the week, and I'm chuffed to bits.... We always try to get together for a week in the holidays, and they usually come to us as we're by the sea. We're both skint, but it doesn't matter because we can just chill and enjoy ourselves anyway..... I'm enjoying the break from my dissertation, not to mention having lovely cuddles from my god-daughters....

One thing which has been really clear this last week is that I have some amazing friends. The happiness people have shown over the appeal win, as well as over my other news, has been so great, it's really made me smile to see how pleased people are and I love it. Thank you all.

Happy and crossing everything that this feeling lasts

I was going to write a blog post about the crap stuff which happened last week. The reappearance of a bill which I thought was sorted, the panic attack which followed (worst one ever), the tears and the insomnia.....I really was. But y'know what, I'm actually feeling happy for once, and so I'm not going to write that blog post. If you want to know the details then just ask, and I'll fill you in.. but for now I want to celebrate the good things which have happened to me....

First of all my cousin got married on Friday. The whole day was just fantastic. I had the best time and it was so fabulous to celebrate with her, and her fiance (well, hubbie now), and the families... She looked beautiful, her groom looked handsome, and the guests had a fine old time.... They were married outside, and it was the first time I'd been to a wedding where the ceremony was outside. The weather stayed dry (same can't be said for some peoples eyes, I may have had a small tear) and it was just so special. The reception was held in the grounds of a school, next to an old castle, and was in a teepee style tent:

I got to see my Nan's cousin, David, who came over Canada. He is very special to all of us, and it's always lovely to see him. All in all, it was just about the perfect day and I'm so glad I got to celebrate with them....

Of course as the wedding was up in the midlands, I had to go and stay with my parents, and that was fab as well. It's always nice to go and spend time with them. This time mum and I sorted out their wedding photos into an album. They've just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary so I guess it was time for that to be done ;) I loved seeing the pictures of them, Dad with his amazing 70s haircut, and mum in her wedding dress. Not to mention pictures of my grandparents, three of whom have since passed away. Then we found some pics of me and my brother, when we were little. So funny.. Will be scanning them in over the next few days for your entertainment. The journey back wasn't too bad either, although I do believe I may have fallen asleep and snored...oops...


I've also reconnected with people who I'd lost touch with, and who I'd missed having in my life. I'm very lucky to have so many great people in my life. I'm just trying, now, to enjoy the moment, not to worry that this feeling won't last, to know that I will cope, and to relish the fact that I've gone through one of the worst anxiety attacks, but have come out the other side, and I've confronted the issues, not ignored them.

So, I'm smiling today. I hope it continues. It's nice to feel happy. I know I have my tribunal this week, which makes this feeling of happiness extra special, because for once mind over matter, and focusing on the good, is working.

meh....but also Doctor Who...but mostly meh!

Not in the greatest of moods today but sometimes writing on the blog helps, so lucky you (although you can just close the tab now if you want (or delete the email), go on, it's okay, I don't mind).....

Before I dive into the 'meh' stuff, I'll update you all about Friday's trip to Brighton with A. It was awesome. We had so much fun, riding on the oldest electric railway, and then on Brighton's version of the London Eye. The weather was fabulous, and I love Brighton. Can't wait to go back again. Here are just a few pictures:

When we arrived back in Portsmouth, it had been raining (sunny all day in Brighton), and as we waited for the bus I happened to look up and see this:

Then later on that night we got a rather spectacular lightning show. This is unusual for Portsmouth, but was a lot of fun to watch. I'd like to upload the video but I can't right now...

Anyway, after the fun of Friday it's been back to the grindstone for me. And today, back to the mammoth depression and anxiety which grips me every so often. I'm not sure why it's descended today; maybe because I'm struggling with the dissertation. Although I'm not struggling in the normal way, oh no...I'm struggling because I'm writing too much and it's almost impossible to cut it down. I'm just having to tell myself to keep going, write it all, send it off for proof reading (to friends and my supervisor) and then when I've got the feedback, I can set about cutting it to shreds. It's kinda working, but the anxiety about it is there, and bubbling away. Which isn't helping. I wish it would just go away, I'm perfectly capable of writing way too much and cutting it back, but for some reason my stupid brain won't allow me to accept this, and fears/worries/anxieties keep forming and I can't stop them. Gah. Pushing through it means I'm writing, and progressing, but it also means that inside I feel shaky, sick, and panicky - which really is most unpleasant not to mention distracting.....sigh

Things weren't helped today by A having a mammoth blow up. He hasn't had one of those for ages, and it was awful. I know I handled it okay, because he calmed down, but I still feel sick and horrible. It was so hard to go through this again, after so much time when he has been better about keeping himself under control, and calming himself down. Today it started because he wanted bus fare. I could only give it to him in coins, and he wanted to get change so that he didn't have to carry all the coins! Yes, something as small as that. He kicked up, and knocked the money everywhere, and then did it again after I'd warned him he'd get nothing if he did so. When he realised that I was serious he went overboard. Screaming, shouting, trying to take money from my purse, taking my phone, and at one point he bit me. I can't put into words how horrible it is when your child, who you love, is roaring at you that he hates you, that you're evil, a bad mother, and so on... He would say that I never spend time with him, which is blatantly not true, but that doesn't matter - the pain of the hate in his voice when he was shouting at me is awful. I stayed calm, and eventually he calmed down. But you see the thing is, all I really wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and cry. And I couldn't. Having to hold it all in was as hard as hearing him in the first place. Even when he calmed down, even when his dad picked him up, and I was alone, I still stayed calm. I just got on with my dissertation, because the pressure feels as though I can't afford not to. I'm still calm now, on the surface I mean. Inside I'm a huge mess. I know I need a release of some sort but I can't seem to find it. I just want to go to bed and hide but I can't. I have things to do. Some of which I'm looking forward to (seeing my parents and going to my cousins wedding for example), some of which I'm not (physio tomorrow). Some of you will understand when I say that the pressure of not seeing a space to collapse in is making things worse. I know it will get better, and I will be alright. But right now.....

I know part of the problem is that the appeal for my ESA is fast approaching and I am (frankly) dreading it. I am so scared that it will be denied. I am so scared that I am going to lose it in there. I am so scared that half the time I can't even verbalise what's scaring me. But, I am scared. 

Physically things aren't great either. Some of it may be related to my anxiety, I don't know for sure. But my knee? Yeah that is getting worse all the time. I have to use my stick all the time now. When I forgot it on Friday I ended up buying a new one because I couldn't walk without it. Proper frustrating. I'm going to ask the physio to refer me for a scan. It's getting beyond ridiculous now. I'm doing all the exercises, and nothing is changing. Of course the pain and  embarrassment from my knee is not helping with my mood either. 

So yeah, not in a great mood tonight. Can't decide whether to stay up and watch documentaries with the cats, or go to bed and try to sleep. Lest this sound too much like a whinge (may be too late to avert that now of course) I am trying so hard to keep going and be positive,. And I am finding things to be positive about. Friday was wonderful. I can't wait to see my cousin get married on Friday. Seeing my parents will be a bonus. I have some amazing friends, including some who I've never met in person, but who understand what I'm going through and are so supportive (you know who you are). I have the cats who keep me entertained. I can still lose myself in a book. I have an amazing support network in place, with people helping in so many ways. I am becoming more brave about admitting my mental health issues. Most of the time A loves me, and we have fun. When things are bad I can have time to myself. My dissertation is going okay, and despite the panic, I am sure that I will complete it. 

I will be positive. I will succeed. I will acknowledge the good in my life. But sometimes I need to say how crap it can be. Today is one of those days. 

Ps - went to post this and realised I hadn't put the Doctor Who bit in....well... they announced the new Doctor Who today: Peter Capaldi. A good choice I think, dry wit and a look which will (hopefully) work.. Doctor Who makes me smile. I like having that to look forward to