Before I dive into the 'meh' stuff, I'll update you all about Friday's trip to Brighton with A. It was awesome. We had so much fun, riding on the oldest electric railway, and then on Brighton's version of the London Eye. The weather was fabulous, and I love Brighton. Can't wait to go back again. Here are just a few pictures:
When we arrived back in Portsmouth, it had been raining (sunny all day in Brighton), and as we waited for the bus I happened to look up and see this:
Then later on that night we got a rather spectacular lightning show. This is unusual for Portsmouth, but was a lot of fun to watch. I'd like to upload the video but I can't right now...
Anyway, after the fun of Friday it's been back to the grindstone for me. And today, back to the mammoth depression and anxiety which grips me every so often. I'm not sure why it's descended today; maybe because I'm struggling with the dissertation. Although I'm not struggling in the normal way, oh no...I'm struggling because I'm writing too much and it's almost impossible to cut it down. I'm just having to tell myself to keep going, write it all, send it off for proof reading (to friends and my supervisor) and then when I've got the feedback, I can set about cutting it to shreds. It's kinda working, but the anxiety about it is there, and bubbling away. Which isn't helping. I wish it would just go away, I'm perfectly capable of writing way too much and cutting it back, but for some reason my stupid brain won't allow me to accept this, and fears/worries/anxieties keep forming and I can't stop them. Gah. Pushing through it means I'm writing, and progressing, but it also means that inside I feel shaky, sick, and panicky - which really is most unpleasant not to mention distracting.....sigh
Things weren't helped today by A having a mammoth blow up. He hasn't had one of those for ages, and it was awful. I know I handled it okay, because he calmed down, but I still feel sick and horrible. It was so hard to go through this again, after so much time when he has been better about keeping himself under control, and calming himself down. Today it started because he wanted bus fare. I could only give it to him in coins, and he wanted to get change so that he didn't have to carry all the coins! Yes, something as small as that. He kicked up, and knocked the money everywhere, and then did it again after I'd warned him he'd get nothing if he did so. When he realised that I was serious he went overboard. Screaming, shouting, trying to take money from my purse, taking my phone, and at one point he bit me. I can't put into words how horrible it is when your child, who you love, is roaring at you that he hates you, that you're evil, a bad mother, and so on... He would say that I never spend time with him, which is blatantly not true, but that doesn't matter - the pain of the hate in his voice when he was shouting at me is awful. I stayed calm, and eventually he calmed down. But you see the thing is, all I really wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and cry. And I couldn't. Having to hold it all in was as hard as hearing him in the first place. Even when he calmed down, even when his dad picked him up, and I was alone, I still stayed calm. I just got on with my dissertation, because the pressure feels as though I can't afford not to. I'm still calm now, on the surface I mean. Inside I'm a huge mess. I know I need a release of some sort but I can't seem to find it. I just want to go to bed and hide but I can't. I have things to do. Some of which I'm looking forward to (seeing my parents and going to my cousins wedding for example), some of which I'm not (physio tomorrow). Some of you will understand when I say that the pressure of not seeing a space to collapse in is making things worse. I know it will get better, and I will be alright. But right now.....
I know part of the problem is that the appeal for my ESA is fast approaching and I am (frankly) dreading it. I am so scared that it will be denied. I am so scared that I am going to lose it in there. I am so scared that half the time I can't even verbalise what's scaring me. But, I am scared.
Physically things aren't great either. Some of it may be related to my anxiety, I don't know for sure. But my knee? Yeah that is getting worse all the time. I have to use my stick all the time now. When I forgot it on Friday I ended up buying a new one because I couldn't walk without it. Proper frustrating. I'm going to ask the physio to refer me for a scan. It's getting beyond ridiculous now. I'm doing all the exercises, and nothing is changing. Of course the pain and embarrassment from my knee is not helping with my mood either.
So yeah, not in a great mood tonight. Can't decide whether to stay up and watch documentaries with the cats, or go to bed and try to sleep. Lest this sound too much like a whinge (may be too late to avert that now of course) I am trying so hard to keep going and be positive,. And I am finding things to be positive about. Friday was wonderful. I can't wait to see my cousin get married on Friday. Seeing my parents will be a bonus. I have some amazing friends, including some who I've never met in person, but who understand what I'm going through and are so supportive (you know who you are). I have the cats who keep me entertained. I can still lose myself in a book. I have an amazing support network in place, with people helping in so many ways. I am becoming more brave about admitting my mental health issues. Most of the time A loves me, and we have fun. When things are bad I can have time to myself. My dissertation is going okay, and despite the panic, I am sure that I will complete it.
I will be positive. I will succeed. I will acknowledge the good in my life. But sometimes I need to say how crap it can be. Today is one of those days.
Ps - went to post this and realised I hadn't put the Doctor Who bit in....well... they announced the new Doctor Who today: Peter Capaldi. A good choice I think, dry wit and a look which will (hopefully) work.. Doctor Who makes me smile. I like having that to look forward to
<3 you are one brave, stonkingly amazing lady, don't ever forget it xx
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