Anyway, I'm back, and I'm sure you're chuffed to bit about that....don't hide it, embrace it....or something... yeah, sorry, am a little punch drunk today, lack of sleep does that to me.... apologies in advance for the insanity which follows....
I would update you on what's been going on since I last posted but a) I can't *actually* remember when that was, b) I can't remember what I've done, well not all of it anyway and c) most importantly I loves you lot and I really don't want to bore you stupid....sooooo, here's a mini update (which will probably turn into a loooong post)...oh and a picture of Purdy-cat in a tree. Just because...
So, being terribly British I shall of course start with the weather....which is now reverting to being more typical of a British summer .. i.e. RAIN.... I did manage to get in a few days of enjoying the garden though, and one Sunday I even managed to doze off on a sun-lounger...bliss.... Just laying there, looking up at the sky through the branches, with the cats (baffled as to why I was in their territory) curled up next to me, and bees, butterflies and other buzzy/flying things keeping me company...
Fingers crossed the weather will be nice again, so that A and I can enjoy some days out, and make the most of the summer holidays. Yes, it's that wonderful time - the 6 week long holiday. I do like it, although I understand why some don't. I have lots planned, although much depends on finances, but we are aiming to go to Brighton for the day this Friday. It's so lovely to spend time with him, and I'm pleased that he still wants to do so. In the meantime, I have been working very hard on my dissertation and, thankfully, so far it is flowing well. I've written way more than I need to but I operate on the belief that it's better to write it all, use all the evidence I want to, and then to go through and edit it down. So much easier to do than trying to decide what to put in/leave out as I go along. Of course I won't be able to use everything I've found, much to my disgust, but that's the nature of academic research, if you've done it correctly then you will always have more research than you can use... I'm really enjoying writing it as well, which is a relief. Sometimes, no matter how much you like the topic, writing it can be a chore. So far, not the case and fingers crossed it stays that way.
Other than that I've been chilling with A, and when he's not here and I'm not writing, then I've been relaxing with a good book. Bliss. Really. I've also had the chance to catch up with some friends who I'd not seen for a while. Last week, on Tuesday, it was the graduation for those who did the MA over one year. I should, of course, have been graduating with them, but I wasn't. I'm not going to lie, it was a weird, bittersweet feeling, but I'm glad I went. A and I went and sat in Guildhall Square and watched on the big screen. My friend J was graduating (undergrad) as well, so bonus was getting to see him. I'd had a lovely lunch with him the day before, and it reminded me just how nice it is to see people who are friends and I don't have to pretend with them, or fake calmness or whatever. Anyway, it was great to witness people I care about graduating. Sandi Toksvig is the Chancellor at the moment, and her speech was very funny. Hoping that she's still Chancellor when I graduate next year. I'm so proud all my friends who graduated last week. You know who you are. Well done *big cheer*
Today has also been nice, another friend J (not same one as last week) came back to Pompey for a visit, and we met up with M who was our tutor, and as a bonus the legend that is JT (and his lovely wife S) turned up at the cafe as well. So it was a fabulous morning, and I was sad when I had to leave. For the first time in a long time I wasn't happier to be going home. Progress? JT is legendary because he is just amazing as a person and as a lecturer. He does one option at undergrad level called Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash - about pirates. Needless to say it is the most popular unit option. I loved it so much. Both JT and his wife are lovely people, so kind and supportive. So today I was very fortunate, I was with people who support me, and encourage me, and are there for me. A good thing.
In other news, I received my appeal notification (after the cancellation last time). I have a friend coming with me (another J), and although I'm not looking forward to it, and am already finding myself going over scenarios in my head, I'm trying not to focus on it too much. I'm terrified that they won't reverse the decision, and I'm scared about what I will do then. But I'm telling myself that worrying won't help. And that works. Mostly.
Before then I've got a wedding to look forward to; my cousin S is marrying her fiance A, and I can't wait. I have a new dress (which fits and looks good - YAY), and A is going to make them a cake - as he can't make it to the wedding. So I'm focusing on that, because it will be good, and because S and A deserve my attention, the DWP et al do not.
Things on the 'healing' front are problematic however. It has been decided, not surprisingly, that the self-help I was referred for is not "appropriate" for me right now. Talking Change have closed my file. Which sucks. I need more counselling. They agree. I agree. But they won't provide it for me, I have to go to somewhere which charges. Even though part of the reason I need more counselling is because in the last set of sessions, a lot of stuff from my past, which I had successfully (if unhealthily) suppressed, was raked up again and now I'm dealing (or rather not dealing) with it. I am cross that TC are abandoning me like this. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks again. I'm having panic attacks if I see someone who looks like a certain person. And I'm remembering things I'd really rather not. But despite this, all they would offer me was CBT which I've already had, and which they themselves agree will not actually help. I *know* intellectually how to deal with the flashbacks/dreams etc., but that's not much help when the underlying problem won't go away. So I have to pluck up the courage to go to this new service and cross my fingers (I'm doing a lot of that right now) that I can afford to use them. If not, well I don't know. I don't want to think about that right now. I'm slipping a bit on the ol' chocolate front, although I know it could be worse. I've managed to resist most of the time, but every so often it really gets too much and I give in. Of course I then beat myself up, which doesn't help. So I'm trying to work through this without doing too much damage to myself or others.
On the plus side, I'm rocking my walking stick. I'm using it for any walking journeys I do over about 1/4 mile. I'm learning not to care, because it really does help me. And as JT said, it's very useful for poking people with ;) In all seriousness though I am slightly concerned that, because it allows me to walk further than I could without it, I could be doing more harm than good. But I have a physio appointment on Monday, and I will ask him about it then - I'm also going to ask for a referral for a scan. Fundamentally my knee is not improving, it's getting worse. Something has to be done, even if it's just to rule out causes. We will see.
So that's me right now. I'm doing okay. Because I'm working on my dissertation, and spending time with A, and with friends, and I'm not doing anything challenging. I'm well aware that when things go wrong, I'm not coping; e.g. Sunday when A had a run in with the local idiots up near where his dad's girlfriend lives...panic attacks and tears on Sunday night, and a hangover from that (not alcohol) yesterday. So it's still there. Lurking. Even when I'm coping, there's a part of me which knows that. I just have to carry on, what else can I do.
Finally, I want to leave you with this blog post written by my friend BR, it's a beautiful tribute to her friend who died recently. I cried when I read it. It broke my heart. I have no doubt that he knew he was loved, but other things were too much for him. Anger and heartbreak are the words which spring to mind. Sometimes people can't be strong any more. I can't comprehend how he must have felt, and yet I am going through similar issues. No one situation matches another exactly. But we all have a responsibility to our friends/family etc., Reach out, check people are alright, be there for a giggle, but also for when things are hard. I've never have got through any of this without my family and friends.
Love and hugs to all
No comments:
Post a Comment