When he left for his dads house on Saturday morning however, I did revert to hermit mode. The urge to just curl up and be alone was very strong and frankly I didn't feel much like resisting it. Apart from a phone call with my friend C, it was just me and the cats....Sunday was A's birthday but I only saw him for a few minutes as he was either at his dads or with friends....so another day of hermit-ing....
Monday meant I had to surface, as we had a meeting at the school re A...we were able to put our concerns across, and I did feel as though they are taking A's behaviour seriously. The school has 4 levels of behaviour monitoring and A has gone from level 1 to level 3 in one go; if he gets to level four then he is at a high risk of being expelled...so this is very serious. He has been put on report, which means that he has to attend his lessons, do as he's told and get a slip signed by each of his teachers; if he does this and fulfils the requirements (so no walking out of class, being late or being rude) then he will get 3 merit points at school (not 100% sure what the merit points mean but A was pleased about the reward), and he will get 1 hour on the laptop or PS3 at home. So far he managed a good first day, not so good yesterday (2 internal exclusions *sigh*), and a good day today. I have to go back at the end of the week after half term to discuss his progress....so we will see.
Then it was back to hermit mode, enlivened by a thorough cleaning of the bathroom - until the bleach smell gave me a headache...lol....I surfaced again yesterday evening in order to go into Uni and meet up with my friends...for various reasons I wanted to stay in, but I made myself go...and I'm glad I did...although I did have a couple of annoying experiences..... Firstly some total and utter moron drove 'into' me; I was waiting to cross the road, and he was parked next to where I was (facing against the flow of traffic)...he clearly wanted to move but I was blocking him in (and traffic was coming past anyway), so he beeped and swore at me; I stepped a bit further forward at which point he reversed and scraped along the back of my legs! Luckily he was going very slowly, I was wearing jeans and he didn't catch my feet...he then swore at me a bit more before flooring it out into the traffic (without looking) and nearly stacking it into another car whose poor driver was just driving along not expecting said moron to pull out into her lane...poor woman.... I was rather shaken up, and very angry...I wanted to haul him out of the car and punch his stupid face in...mainly because he'd scared me...but also because it wouldn't have hurt him to wait, and because I can guarantee that he was 100% certain that he was in the right, that I should have got out of his way, that I was a stupid little girl...people like that scare me and annoy me, you can't reason with them and it's not good to encounter them, especially when they're at the wheel of a big car....
Meeting up with my friends did cheer me up though, as did the nice cuppa I had....we adjourned to the pub and met up with my friend's stepson....I wasn't sure if I'd stay, given how hermit like I'd felt recently, but I'm glad I did...it was good to be out, chatting and being 'normal'.... Mind you, my good mood kinda evaporated when I ran to get the bus only for the driver to pull away (despite having seen me running)....I don't regret wishing that he'd be struck by a suppurating boil on his backside, one which resisted treatment for 6 months...as I said, don't annoy the fat girl running for the bus... lol
Speaking of 'fat', things on that front are going ok....I've been keeping up the walking, altho not cycling as much; mainly because of the weather... I'm doing the Great South Run, 5k and walking it, this Saturday at 10:30am (starting by the D-Day museum in Southsea if anyone is local and wants to come and cheer me on)...I'm doing it for Jack Marshall's fund (www.jacksfund.co.uk) and sponsorship will be gratefully received.... I'm alternating between fear and excitement....mostly I can't wait to get going, I'm excited about doing it and raising funds and awareness about brain tumours and about walking along a lovely course....but I'm also nervous, because my knee has been very painful recently and I don't want to fail, to let Jack and his family, and my lovely friends and family, down....Having said that, the pain has been mainly when I've been standing for a while, and I'm hopeful that walking will not be too bad - it hasn't been recently....and whatever happens I shall go and I shall finish it....
I'm sticking to the diet, and am finding that I'm not even tempted by chocolate now...wish I'd felt like that a long time ago....I've craved ice cream a couple of times, but have resisted the urge to buy any, and so have been alright on that front.... I've also started distracting myself when I feel hungry, just in case it's boredom (or thirst) instead of hunger....as a result I've done stuff round the house, and am working hard on my dissertation - all good and definite progress in terms of me and my ability to get myself motivated....
I had my last CBT session today....it was really useful - some of the suggestions for change may seem obvious, but the fact that it's part of a session where I get to talk and discuss things helps round them out...if that makes sense...so the idea of having a timetable for the week may seem simple, but when I would talk through each day with D, I'd end up planning things in a different order, or emphasising some things over others...which helped me to realise which things were triggers, or were rewards.... I'm on the waiting list for counselling, but it could be up to 6 months...I know I need to go, because D wasn't there for talking so much as for practical help...and although he has helped, I know I'm far from better...I'll go back for a follow up session in 4 weeks, but I have the skills I need to cope, I just need to use them, but also to not beat myself up when I fail....so we'll see....
So that's where I am, where we are..... I'm still relieved when I can go back to the house and be by myself...that's not to say that I don't enjoy seeing my friends, because I totally do.. I love it, I wouldn't go out otherwise...but I still have an urge to be at home... I'm ok going out, I don't have to force myself, well not all the time, but I do heave a sigh of relief when I'm in and the door is shut.... I want to see my friends, to go out and catch up etc., but I also enjoy coming back home.... I'm definitely still uncomfortable when I have to be in situation where I don't know people, that's still very hard for me to do...I struggle to make myself go then...even when I want to go and I'm looking forward to it, that part of me which thinks I'm useless will speak up and tell me that I'll make an idiot of myself and that I shouldn't go...needless to say, I try not to listen to it and when I overcome it, I'm pleased...but it's still hard.... so friends of mine, please know that I always want to come out and see you...sometimes it's just harder to go out than others, but it's never ever about you, only about me and my stupid thoughts......
Time to go and curl up in bed..... :)
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