As my li'l hero, Jack Marshall, would put it - it's been a bit rar rar rar recently (that's cold, by the way)....Autumn has most definitely arrived; bringing with it wind, rain, and shivers...how nice...well actually it would be, if only I didn't have to go out in the rain, lol.. I'm quite happy to be curled up, in the warm, with the cats and A and a good book, whilst the rain pours down outside....but life is full of fun times and that includes having to go out in the rain... At least going out, means ultimately coming back in again - and that means being able to look forward to getting warm and dry.... ahh now that's bliss.... I love that advert on the telly, for tea (Jonny Vegas and the monkey?) where they come in from the wet and warm up with a cuppa - that's my idea of a nice winter afternoon..
So, anyway, apart from my minor obsession with the weather, things have been alright recently....well mostly.... I've made a start on my dissertation, and have an appointment with my supervisor tomorrow - at which point I should have a better idea about what I need to do next, and what the timescale will be. Today I met up with my MA colleagues at Uni, which was great...we've decided to meet every two weeks, as we don't have any official meetings this year and we all know we need as much support and encouragement as possible. I'm remarkably calm about this whole dissertation business, well I am at the moment anyway. I think that's because I'm back in control, and am gradually getting my enthusiasm back...I feel more able to cope with the work, which is obviously good, and the fact that I have about 11 months before the deadline, is probably influencing my calm state of mind...having said that, I know that this time will pass quickly, and so I'm planning on setting myself some deadlines so that I don't lose focus..... I'm really glad that I've got a good set of friends doing the dissertation at the same time, because I know we're all going to be able to help each other, and for me, that extra encouragement will probably be vital.
Physically, things haven't been great recently....I'm feeling rather run down, and have the mouth ulcers to prove it.....Naturally at the start of term, all the kids come back and share their bugs around, and then bring them home to mum .... so both A and I have been fighting off a cold/virus for the last week or so, and both of us are fed up of it...to give A credit, he hasn't stayed off school, and both of us have kept going, but I think I speak for both of us when I say that we'd rather we could curl up in bed and sleep for a week....ah well...
One side effect of not feeling well is that we both have very short fuses - it's probably to our credit that we've only had one big argument, and A has done enormously well to control himself - previously he would have exploded and we'd have had ructions...as it is, he has managed to keep himself in check, when he's at home at least...School is another matter, and I fear that things will come to head on that front...I just hope that the Camhs appointment (which is next Wednesday) will help before things go too far.. I'm just holding my breath, and hoping that nothing too bad happens....It appears that A will control himself either at home or at school - but not both at the moment....and as nice as it is not to have him going for me, I hate that he is misbehaving at school...it's almost too hard to think about, worrying about the consequences and dreading a phone call to say he's been excluded... He doesn't seem to be too bothered, and that's not in an arrogant, 'I don't care' way, it's almost as if he doesn't realise the consequences of his behaviour (and yes he's been told), as if it's not real to him...I can't explain it (and I'm not excusing him) but he's not uncaring about the outcome, it's that he's just really calm about the whole thing - he doesn't always want to tell me what's happened but again, that seems to be more because he doesn't see why I'm interested....it's very strange, and worrying...
Having had a few weeks where I have felt ok, even happy at times, the last few days have been tough...nothing bad has happened, but my fears/anxieties have been to the fore again. I'm feeling stressed, and things have been getting to me....for example, small things such as my laptop battery being broken, have become a huge worry...likewise the ongoing saga of my JSA is really getting me down... I had the official paperwork through today, and although I haven't looked at it in detail, I did read the decision - which was 'favourable but not allowed'....now how does that make sense, how can they agree with me but not allow the appeal? I just feel defeated, really defeated... I did everything asked of me, I was honest, I told them every minor change in my circumstances, and I just feel as though they're kicking me in the teeth.... The money I get for JSA is £71 per week, not a small fortune I think you'll agree, but it makes all the difference to me. Without it I can't pay my bills or buy food for A and I...and what gets me the most is that sheer lack of empathy or any kind of caring from the DWP.... How do they expect us to live? It's this which upsets me the most, this total lack of any humanity from them...they stop my JSA, and they don't care, and they don't have to care, nobody is going to make them care, nobody is going to hold them to account, nobody is going to fight them (well apart from me), and I'm so angry and fed up with this situation.... If I didn't have so many kind family members (and friends), A and I would be starving and on the streets by now - and no, that's not an exaggeration.... I literally cannot live without JSA... I'm looking for jobs every day, but no luck so far - there aren't enough jobs for everyone, and I'm not a good candidate - I've not worked since 2005, and I have a degree and am doing an MA - so basically I'm either over qualified, or under qualified... go figure... So on top of the DWP dumping on me, I've got the depressing realisation that Argos/Boots/Tescos don't want to employ me to work on the tills....despite the fact that it would be a great job for me, and the fact that I would work hard, as far as they're concerned, I'm not suitable.... So the DWP take my JSA away, even though I've fulfilled all the requirements, and companies won't employ me - I can't even get past the initial online applications.... The thing with the DWP is that they're being deliberately awkward in the hope that I'll give up and go away, so I have to go through all this stress because they don't want to make a decision until they're forced to do so....how is that right? I don't know how long it will be before I get a tribunal date, and frankly the longer it goes on, the less able to cope I am....I just want it over, and sorted. I hate that they can do this to me. I know that people con them, but they can easily see that I'm not doing that...I've signed on, looked for work (still looking), and have been honest with them - but on a technicality, they're denying me the money which A and I need to survive...how is that right? Surely it should be resolved quicker, and with less stress...but the thing is that people on benefits are despised these days, looked down upon, viewed as scrounging scum, and so it's easy for the DWP to treat me like this...because who really cares? Who's going to stand up and shame them? And so I stay worrying, stressed, anxious and panicky, and they stay in their offices with no clue of how it really is, and people who look down on benefit claimants stay in their lives with their jobs and have no idea of how lucky they are.....
Sorry it's been such a downer of an entry, but I'm really really fed up and angry....and I can't hide it tonight....I tried, but I can't.... I know I'm lucky in so many ways, I know that...but right now, with this JSA/DWP mess hanging over me, I just feel tired and stressed and so very very fed up.....
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