So....the weather....[for all my American friends, yes we Brits really *do* talk about the weather...]...kinda depressing I think....well it is when I have to leave my comfy little cave, and venture out into it....sadly I'm under instructions to venture out from said cave as much as possible....I do so much prefer it when I can say snuggled, safe and warm, inside with the cats, watching the wind and rain outside....but apparently it's not a good idea for me to stay in and so I have to be a good girl and actually leave the house at least once a day..woohoo...lol.... In all seriousness, I know I need to leave the house, but it would be nice if it didn't tip it down with rain the moment I step outside, lol... ah well... Summer, such as it was, is definitely over...I know this because I'm wearing socks (and a jumper) but mainly because of the sock....just as it's possible to tell when summer arrives because I partake in certain grooming practices, so it is possible to tell when summer is over, because I start wearing socks every day.... so there you go...I'm a fount of useful information, aren't I? lol
Anyway, enough of my ruminations on the weather....Things have been, well, weird this week....Sunday wasn't great (as you may have guessed from the blog entry) and Monday wasn't the best... I had a pajama day, which was nice, but I did feel bad (and a bit smelly) by the end of the day because I'd been so lazy....ok so the weather (sorry) was rubbish, but still.....So yesterday I was glad that I had to go out....the MA has started again at Uni so there was a get together for the new (full and part time) and old (part time from last year) students...oh it was so good to see my friends again, although I really missed the full timers from last year.... One of the new part timers is K, who was my politics tutor when I did the Access course way back in 2007/8...Sadly Access has been closed down now, and K was looking for something to occupy her time, so I suggested (persuaded? forced? hmm) her to apply for the MA...in all seriousness, I'm sure she's going to be brilliant at it, and it was good to see her yesterday... Most of my friends from last year knew that I'd suspended and was re-starting, but they didn't know why - so I told them a bit but not all...mainly because I didn't feel it was the time to go into everything...maybe I should just give them all this blog address and point them to the entries for early August?? Hmm, it's an idea.... Anyway, I was happy to be there, and pleased that the Uni still seems to be a 'safe' place for me. It was good to catch up with everyone again, and we've made plans to meet regularly, which is going to be a huge bonus for me....plus one of my friends, D, is applying to do the PhD afterwards, which means he'll be working on his at the same time as I work on mine (if all goes to plan) and that's a great boost because having a colleague who's going through the same experiences is massively helpful....yay for Uni.... :D
Yesterday was a good day; not only did I go out and socialise, but I was also a brave girl and rang the DWP about my JSA.....although I did have to go and punch something after I'd spoken to them.... I'm pretty sure that it's not people who work for them, but robots....because the women who called me back was just useless....she kept using 'inside' terminology which meant that I hadn't got a clue about what she was talking about, and had to ask her several times to explain it to me in English - she seemed to be totally shocked that a) I didn't understand her and b) that I actually wanted to know what was going on - as if I shouldn't care what was happening...weird weird woman... Anyway, the upshot is that they have 'written' my appeal and (after asking a gazillion times) she finally told me that they have decided that I wasn't available to work from the 1st October 2011 to 19th August 2012, the implication being that 1) They have arbitrarily decided to ignore the facts in favour of some made up world where applying for jobs doesn't mean anything, and 2) I should have been getting JSA from the 19th August - guess whether I have or not? Ding Ding, well done Ladies and Gentlemen, give yourselves a pat on the back - no I haven't.... Guess whether the robot, sorry woman, on the other end of the phone cared about that? Oooh you're on a roll tonight aren't you....sorry, sarcasm is coming out rather than using lots of sweary words (Hi mum, Hi dad).... So yeah, she didn't know that I'd not got my money, didn't know why, didn't know what the procedure was for updating the payment system - in fact she didn't know anything - I take it back, she's not a robot, she's just pig ignorant (with apologies to pigs)..... So I now have to go in and speak to the job centre and see where my money is... I will also have a chance to appeal the decision about the rest of the decision - and believe me I will be - I will have to go to a tribunal, and it just seems to be such a waste of time and money... Mostly of all I'm angry - how dare they say that I wasn't available for work, how dare they ignore the hundreds of jobs I applied for, and the evidence I gave about my circumstances.... It was funny to hear just how shocked this woman was that I'd continued to sign on etc., because her initial reaction when I asked about receiving the money from 19th August onwards, was to assume that I'd not been signing on, and wouldn't be entitled...um yeah no love...I think they hope that people will just give up, although how the hell they expect us to survive without JSA is beyond me - I guess they really do believe that we've all got millions stashed away, and that we're just scrounging tax-payers money for the fun of it.... gah.... ok, shutting up about this now...no point stressing until the tribunal... fingers crossed it won't be long...
Today was my third CBT appointment, and on the scoring questionnaire I have to fill out every time, Dave told me that I'm steadily improving. Which is good. He is very understanding but he doesn't let me get away with things... I have a list of 'jobs' which I have to do before next week - just day to day stuff, but I have to do it because I've been avoiding doing these things up till now....It's good to be held accountable for this kind of thing, day to day jobs like phone calls, and some housework...I will always get round to it, but I need to be doing it regularly, and automatically...he's also good because he knows I 'overthink' things and that this can sometimes cripple my thinking, so he's helping me to reprogram that way of thinking, and hopefully will stop that becoming a major problem with normal day to day stuff...we'll see...
I took a stroll up to Cosham library after that, and rewarded myself with a load of books to borrow, before going to Tesco's and setting the alarms off...sigh....lol... then I came home, fussed the cats, saw A after school, fell asleep (oops), watched some telly and now I'm writing this.... It's been a good day.....
So there you go....that's me at the moment.... still very up and down, still very weird, still very emotional...but getting there, and definitely able to think more clearly at times. I may feel horrible inside, but I'm starting to recognise when that feeling is ridiculous and when it is valid....I guess that's a start to being a more stable person, and as much as I want to curl up and ignore the world at times, I do know that I can't and shouldn't do that. So I'm making myself go out, and do things, even if it's just a walk, because it would be easier to stay in. There are times when Dave says, oh you should make sure you walk everyday, and don't nap during the day, and get up at the same time even if A isn't with you - and I think 'but I don't want to, and I'm not going to and you can't make me'..lol..because no one really likes being told what to do, and that things which they enjoy aren't necessarily the right thing to do...but inside I know he's right...and although it may take time for me to do all those things regularly, I will work towards it because I know that it's the right thing to do and that it will only help me..that I will regret it if I don't...but that doesn't mean that I'm not behaving like a teenager inside...because, I am...I just have to overcome that...
Right...I'm off now, got a book to finish before I go to bed - I need to know whodunnit....lol.... :D
No comments:
Post a Comment