So I'm here....I have been all week....but up until now, I've not really felt much like blogging...it's been a tough week emotionally and really, I just didn't want to come on and write a post which was just a long whinge...so I didn't....but now I do regret it....I like blogging, I like coming on here and spilling it all out, it helps me to work things through, to make sense of what I'm feeling...and although it was my choice not to blog this week, I've missed it a lot....and I wonder if I've felt worse because I haven't blogged....hmmm...
Last weekend was so amazing, meeting so many people who have become a big part of my life over the last year or so, and being part of the Ball for Jack's Fund....so it's hardly surprising that there was something of an anti-climax once I got back home....however (and blokes may want to skip the next few lines), mother nature ensured that Monday and Tuesday were a complete nightmare on top of that....oh yes.... I couldn't even go and sign on, it was that bad...but that's enough of that, there is such a thing as TMI.... ok blokes, you can come back now...lol.... I spent Monday and Tuesday curled up on the sofa, with the kitties, reading....that's my safe place, my safe, comforting, 'thing'....I can lose myself in a good book (going through a fiction phase at the moment) and shut the world out..it may not be terribly healthy but sometimes, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.... Did it help? Yes...for sure, I still had the horribly empty, sick, sad feeling inside but I didn't feel any worse, and I got through the days.... I've had A this week so it was especially important that I cope, because he needs me... So far, he has gone to school without problem, and I've been so so proud of him for the effort he has made and the way he has carried on...but, I'm still waiting for the explosion, for it to go wrong - and I know that makes me sound like I'm giving up on him, but I'm not, I just know him, and I know it's unrealistic to expect him to change overnight....so I'm guessing that there will be an outburst at some point....
By Wednesday I felt better, able to leave the house - always a bonus - and it was a good job as I had my second appointment at Talking Change with Dave...they weren't wrong when they said I'd feel worse before I felt better...it's very strange..Dave is great, understanding and kind, and he is helping already but I do feel worse - I'm being forced (in a nice way and for the best of reasons) to confront things which I'd rather ignore, to do things which I now want to shy away from...my 'homework' this week is to write down things I struggle to do, am not doing, don't want to do in order that Dave can work with me to get me doing them again....and oh how I don't want to even write them down.... even though I want to get better, to get back to being 'me' again - I just don't want to do things which scare me....yeah, still a total mess then....good good.... I only get 20 mins with Dave each week and it's not long enough... I'm able to talk to him, I feel safe doing that but I could do with longer...stupid financial restrictions... I'm scared because the fears/changes have got such a hold on me, and 20 mins, for 6 weeks doesn't seem long enough to 'cure' me, resolve it, make it right, make me 'me' again...I'm on the list for counselling but the waiting list is so long that there'll be a long gap between the end of CBT and the start of counselling..and yes, I'm worried that any progress will be lost... I'm worried that I'm not strong enough, that the lure of hiding away and only dealing with what I want to deal with will be too strong for me.... I was trying to explain to Dave this week that I can cope so well with some things - the thought of being a lecturer, of leading seminars, lectures etc. doesn't scare me at all....but the thought of having to face people socially scares the crap out of me.. (last weekend being an exception)... I'm weird...really I am...
Having been to CBT I 'treated' myself to a mooch round both Waterlooville and Portsmouth libraries...came home from both with HUGE piles of books.....I think if I didn't enjoy reading so much, I'd be lost....it's my haven when I'm struggling - I can curl up with a book and relax completely, not think about anything to do with me at all...I've always encouraged A to read, to enjoy reading - as I say, if you can read then you'll never be bored...and this week he has been reading, choosing to sit and read...something which has made me so happy - not just because we're sharing something, but because he's sitting (ok, so he's jigging his legs, or tapping his fingers) but he's still sitting down for more than a minute at a time...progress? I think so....
I babysat for J on Thursday, well I say babysat but E and A would hate to be referred to as babies and even N is a toddler ... I love how they've accepted me..N told me I had to come to his birthday party (Pirate Pete's? Bring it on..lol) and A was curled up, snuggled into me on the sofa - so comfy with me, such a compliment and a real help when I'm hating on myself so much....Today they came over for tea, so the girls could meet my cats (we had to frisky E when they left, she kept threatening to steal them..lol)...and again, it's so lovely to be with people who just accept me, children can be so perceptive and their acceptance means a lot to me.... I *think* the cats enjoyed themselves, Molly certainly did..but then she's always been a total hussy when it comes to attention...it was good to be with friends again.... Now I'm on my own again, and it's not too bad....A is with his dad, and I'm sat here with the cats... I thought I'd feel bad but I don't..instead I'm almost looking forward to the week ahead, and to working on myself... I feel guilty sometimes, about how much I can enjoy being on my own (whilst at the same time hating myself for not being as social as I used to be) - confusing..oh yeah..but that's me... (now you see why I've not blogged this week - it would have been one long confusing ramble of weirdness...lol).... being on my own means not having to deal with other people's expectations of me (that is, those expectations which *I* imagine they place on me..so much insanity in my head sometimes)..or my expectations of myself...it means I can lose myself in a book, and not have to worry about anyone else...but at the same time, I want to be with my friends, I want to have fun, to go out, to chat and laugh and share things...and when I do socialise, I have fun...it's just getting from 'alone' so 'social' that is the problem....and that is what I'm working on with Dave...and (see above) it's not easy... I'm going in circles here and I'm not making any sense...sorry about that... Fundamentally I'm a mess of fears and guilt, both of which mean that whatever I'm doing, there's always a part of me which is anxious, wanting to be elsewhere...it doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying myself, it's just as if there's a part of me which automatically panics and wants to be home/out depending on where I am at that moment in time...once I feel that anxiety I can't ignore it, and I'm dealing with it, negotiating with it...and my mind is elsewhere... I wonder if I'm the only person who feels like this?
This week is my last week of 'holiday'...I will re-start work on my MA dissertation in October, slowly but surely working up to research trips as needed....this coming week will be all about easing back in...I'm looking forward to catching up with my MA colleagues on Tuesday, not all of them know that I've gone p/t so it will be interesting to meet up again...apart from that, and my CBT, I'm going to lunch with J, and M (my author/tutor friend :D) on Thursday to celebrate J's birthday...it's an easy week, albeit with some not so easy tasks to do - ring the DWP re my JSA (urgh I'm so nervous about doing this), apply for 7 jobs (woohoo), email my supervisor about my dissertation plans, and speak to the Uni about the fee they're charging for my change to p/t... In the mean time, I shall be a big (ha) brave girl and get on with it...really I will....
I'm sorry that this has been such a rambling weird blog entry...so much has been on my mind this last week, and I've needed to get it out, in here, to make some kind of sense in my own mind...and it's kinda worked... I'm torn, because I know that it will take time for me to feel better, but I hate feeling like this and I want it to stop...I can feel happy, so why doesn't that feeling last, especially when there's no reason for me to feel down....J keeps telling me to be kind to myself, and she's right...but it's easier said than done, I default to beating myself up about everything (and then I beat myself up about doing that...sigh)..there are people who have suffered real heartbreak, and I'm lucky really I am...but here I am, feeling lousy and hating on myself...and it's a vicious circle..I just hope Dave can help me break it...
Mental health issues may be invisible (as it were) but they are damaging, and I'm so grateful for my friends who understand ... I know that not everyone (in the world that is, not my friends) gets it, understands, accepts, and helps...I wish I wasn't like this, but wishing is no good...I have to change, and I need help to do that...I haven't chosen to be like this (no one would, believe me) but not being this way will take effort; I have to re-wire my circuits as it were, to over-ride the dominant depressive state...it can be done, but it will take time...so I'm thankful that I have so many amazing people in my life, who are there for me and who just accept the way I am, whilst supporting me in my efforts to change, to be 'me' again...The irony is that to change, I first have to accept the way I am at the moment, to stop hating myself for being like this...which is really really hard....we're told that being happy is important, and it is, but the world needs to realise that people who are depressed don't choose that, they don't enjoy it, and that condemning them as failures, useless, self pitying losers, etc. etc. is wrong...it's not about self-indulgence, it's not about being lazy, it's not about failing at life - it's about a mindset which is deeply invasive into everyday life and which, once it has a hold, is really hard to get rid of. Understanding, acceptance, being given the space to get better - all of these are hugely important and can only come from others...without them, the task of overcoming depression is twice as hard - because not only do we have to fight our own self loathing, we have to battle the sneers of others - and when those others are 'confirming' our own internal fears, it makes those fears twice as hard to dismiss... The best thing anyone can do for a friend who has depression, is to accept them as they are without condemnation....you're not enabling them, you can still talk to them and help them, but by not condemning them, you're already making life a lot better...it's hard to explain, but the best friends are those who listen, who make suggestions, who offer practical help, who won't let you sit alone inside worrying, but who do all this without implying that you're a failure for being this way...who, with love, refuse to let you give in, but who don't suggest that you're a bad person for even thinking of giving in...who are just there, whenever, wherever, whatever... in my life, I'm fortunate to have many family and friends who are just like that - you know who you are, and you have my eternal gratitude...
Ok, enough schmaltzy stuff...I'm off to read a murder-mystery-thriller...thank you for reading, and I'm sorry it was such a long rambling post....(oh and for those of you who are wondering - the diet is going well, I've enjoyed some treats but haven't felt the urge to pig out and I was really glad to get back to cycling this week)
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