Vigils.....

The last couple of days have been hard....although not as hard as they've been for some of my friends..... Cancer has reared its ugly head again, reminding us that it never actually goes, it just lurks, waiting to devastate all over again.... Even for those of us who have never met the people concerned, the sadness and anger is there... You may remember that a while back I spoke about Tashi and Wash. Wash has terminal brain cancer, but had continued to live life, watch Doctor Who, build Lego and most of all, be with Tashi.... This morning I woke up to read a message from Tashi on her FB which told us all that Wash had passed into unconsciousness at about 3am on SundayMonday morning (Arizona time), whilst watching The Wedding of River Song episode of Doctor Who with Tashi....he is now in Hospice care, and Tashi is waiting to hear that he has passed into peace... my heart is broken for them both.... I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried when I read her message.....his last consciousness was watching his favourite show, with his wife, surrounded by love....but he should still be with her, watching the new series of Doctor Who, discussing whether it's 'jumped the shark' or not...the fact that he's not makes me so angry...and yes, I know it's pointless being angry about something I have no control over, but there it is... I'm just so sad for them, so sad that it is ending like this, that instead of growing old together they're being being separated, that instead of getting to do things which I, we all, take for granted they have had to face mortality and saying goodbye... The love between them is tangible, and it has been ever since I first heard of them on Regretsy - when Tashi requested someone make a TARDIS urn for Wash's ashes to be held in...go on, read that sentence again...and remind yourself that these two are in their twenties...sucks doesn't it... I was never lucky enough to meet Wash, but I'm pretty sure through reading the blog, and seeing his pic, that I'd have liked him..he has one of those smiles, one of those faces.... So right now, I'm holding Tashi and Wash in my heart, hoping that Wash will soon be at peace, flying in his own TARDIS...and that Tashi will be surrounded by all the love and tender care in the world....

The news about Wash came shortly after I heard that a little girl I've been following on FB, has had a bad recurrence of her cancer. Audrianna Bartol has Stage 4 High Risk Mync Amplified Neuroblastoma, and has been fighting it since she was two; she is now six... Yesterday we heard that an operation has shown that the cancer is back, wrapped around her aorta and moving into her heart...and although they managed to remove some of it, surgically there is nothing more to be done. The only chance is a test to see if she carries a gene which is only carried by 15% of children who have neuroblastoma... For those who know and love Audrianna, this has been devastating.... Right now they're holding onto that slim chance and I can only hope that it is granted - she is only 6, no age at all....again I come back to the fact the we all, everyday, do things which we take for granted and yet for others just living another day, or getting a good test result, or not being in pain, are priceless, precious things to be cherished....

Another child I follow, Claudia, has possibly only weeks to live, having had to stop treatment due to, well, due to it just not working, and her bone marrow not being able to cope anymore...her parents have brought her home...no parent should ever have to bring their child home to die, yet it happens....I always knew about cancer; my grandpa died of it nearly 30 years ago, my aunt died of it 11 years ago....I even knew that kids could get it - a vague memory of some of my contemporaries being affected...but I didn't really know about it....not the reality anyway.... Jack Marshall introduced me to the reality of life with cancer, following his journey allowed me to begin to understand the sheer enormity of what having cancer means to these children and their families, and yet I've only understood a minute amount of their every day battle....I'm lucky, I don't have to face the reality they face every day... My heart may break for them, I can and will cry for them, fund-raise for them, talk about them, support them as best I can, love them from a distance, and even visit them ... but I will never truly understand what they go through.....

I know people suffer, and die, every day from many differing illnesses, as well as by the hands of others, I know this...and I hate it... no one person's death is more important than another, every person is loved, is a child, a parent, a lover, a sibling, a grandparent.....I was told today that 25,000 people die every day from hunger, or hunger related causes (UN statistic)....shocking... Today marks the 11th anniversary of 9/11, when 2996 people died....all individuals, all loved, all cared about, all important to the people in their life...so how do you choose who to support, who to care about, who to remember, who to honour?? I don't know.....I think that people find their way into our hearts sometimes without us realising....Jack certainly did that to me, Jobo - whose mum jumped out of a plane for Clic Sargent yesterday, and who is going well at the moment as far as I know - has done that to me, as have Wash, Claudia, Audrianna and many others.... All I can say is that every time I see something about a cause, posted on FB or Twitter, I read it, and often will begin to follow it closely...so please share them, make others aware, spread the word about your cause, the one which is close to your heart, or the several, or the many....whatever it is...give us all an opportunity to learn and to support...money may be tight, but there's always something we can do...

This entry isn't meant to be bossy, or critical, or upsetting....so I apologise if that's how it's come across.... I'm just frustrated, because today I've spent the day doing things I take for granted, whilst all the time being conscious of Wash, and Tashi, and Audrianna, and Claudia, and Jack.... It's hard to comprehend how my life can be so normal, whilst for others it's falling apart... So I thought I'd come on here, and share my confusion, see if anyone had any sparks of wisdom.... feel free to share if you have.... <3 <3