Hey there, yes I'm back...been a while I know but there's been this little thing called Christmas which has kinda distracted me for a bit..... Speaking of Christmas, I hope you all had a wonderful time, and were thoroughly spoilt...
So, pre-Christmas for me was pretty much all about the coughing and the gunk..yes, I caught the lurgy which is doing the rounds and it wasn't fun.... Last week was, in fact, a pretty crappy week (apart from Friday).... Wednesday saw me seemingly lose all the photo's on my laptop (although they made a miraculous return several days later - it's still puzzling me although I'm so relieved not to have lost them completely - lesson learnt - backing up is vital..)... and then I started to feel really ill as I was wrapping the Christmas presents...normally that's something I love doing but what with thinking I'd lost my photo's and feeling as though I had an iron band clamped round my chest, I didn't have so much fun this time. In fact it wasn't until Friday, when A had a half day at school and we spent the afternoon watching Christmas films (Muppet Christmas Carol, Polar Express and Elf), that I started to cheer up... spending time with A, nice time, not fighting, is so lovely and those 3 films are our traditional Christmas viewing...I'm wondering if it's worrying that I know so much of Muppet Christmas Carol off by heart?? lol...
Saturday was spent resting, and worrying that my illness would prevent me going to see my friend for Christmas...her sister is very vulnerable to illnesses and I'd never have forgiven myself if I'd passed it on to her... Fortunately I did start to feel better, and so on Sunday morning I set off to Reading where I was met by C's dad and my god-daughter (who was looking so very grown up - it's scary)... It's always good to be at C's, it's like being at home and I can relax..... Sunday evening saw us all at the Salvation Army carol service, which was lovely.....there's something essentially Christmassy about the SA band, and the singers were amazing....the little ones did a lovely nativity play (although I still say that the donkey bore more resemblance to a rabbit than anything else)... it was a really nice way to ease into the Christmas week, and C's dads running commentary was very amusing....
Christmas Eve was a pajama day, involving hot chocolate, marshmallows and silly telly....the girls are big fans of Moshi Monsters and so my ears were assaulted by the 'songs' these little creatures have made....it's scary how involved toys are these days - they all have their own albums..weird.... It's a good job I love the girls because having to listen to Moshis, Justin Bieber and One Direction in one day was almost more than I could take....lol
And so to Christmas Day, which was spent with C's family.....I'm very fortunate because they include me as a member of the family, and it's so lovely. Not to mention the fact that C's mum cooks the most delicious dinner.... I'm not sure I could have had a nicer Christmas day to be honest, because just chilling out, watching the kids playing, and L, C's sister, doing her jigsaws, whilst a cheesy film was playing on the TV, was great. I did feel very relaxed, and for me that's a huge treat.... Boxing Day was more of the same; gorgeous food, chilling out with lovely people and feeling relaxed.
Then yesterday I came home, and although it's lovely to be back, and it was great to see A again (even the cats were pleased to see me), I've been feeling very down and blah.... I'm not quite sure why. It may be just a post-Christmas reaction, or it could be because I didn't sleep very well last night. But for whatever reason I'm not great right now, and to make matters worse, the fact that I'm feeling so bad is making me feel bad...yes, really.... I've really missed writing my blog, but I've held off doing so because I really didn't just want it to be one long whine about how crap things are...for one thing I'm well aware that other people have things way worse than I do, and for another it just felt wrong... Maybe if I'd blogged I'd have felt better, but it's hard to say.... The problem is that when I feel like this I often can't pinpoint a reason as to why I feel this way; which means that I struggle to fix it. Then I feel frustrated and angry with myself for feeling like this without justification, (coming back to my earlier point about knowing others who are worse off), and so it goes in a spiral of feel crap-beat self up-feel crap ad infinitum.... The churny feeling is back in my stomach, and the lump is back in my throat....I feel as though I want to cry but I don't really, although maybe I should listen to some sad music and make myself cry, maybe it would help, I don't know.... I don't want to feel like this, I want to look forward to things, to think of what I have planned for tomorrow and to be happy, rather than to just want to go to bed and stay there.... I think part of it is the fact that, as always, after Christmas January is a long month on little money and I'm already feeling the pressure.... I love Christmas, especially choosing and giving presents....but it's becoming harder and harder to do this on a limited budget and whilst I don't mind making sacrifices in order to do so, it's still hard when the whole month is squeaky bum time, rather that just a few days. It's especially hard now because I've made such an effort and been such a good girl about paying my bills and staying in my budget, up till now....
January will also bring the deadline for the first chapter of my dissertation, as well as more doctors appointments and (hopefully) the first of my counselling appointments...so that's a LOT of things happening and I have to be honest, I am experiencing anxiety about it all... Getting over the first hurdle of starting the chapter will be the hardest part, once I've done that I'm sure I'll be ok...I'm just having a crisis of confidence at the moment....fingers crossed that I can overcome it and make a start next week.... A still has a week off school, and on Tuesday we travel to Romsey for the annual Parker family gathering (my mum's side of the family) - always a good laugh, great to see everyone again and this year even my brother is going to be there...which is a minor miracle....lol.... so I'm looking forward to that.... In the meantime, I'm going to try and get myself out of this funk.....I don't know how, but I'll do my best....
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